Movies/TV's 3R’s 11.20.12: Twilight, Sylvester Stallone, Billy Dee Williams, Jeremy Renner, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 11.20.2012
From the Avengers sketch on SNL and Lando’s possible return in Star Wars: Episode VII to Sylvester Stallone wanting to make another Rambo movie and more, 411's Porfirio Diaz breaks down the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous from the week in Movies/TV!
Welcome to Week 177 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.
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The Twilight nightmare is finally over…for now (and Twilight-related box office shenanigans): The end of an era – a poorly acted and excruciatingly maddening era but an era nevertheless. Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 marks the end of what I'm sure is 64% of the Internet's frustration. Rejoice and taste the fruits of a Twilight-free world! Before we get too far ahead of ourselves and dance in the rain-soaked streets, however, please remain alert that Stephenie Meyer can write more Twilight books and thus have the studio make more movies. If she ever desires to purchase another diamond-encrusted yacht for her football field-sized pool, then beware the full moon.
This is one of the reasons – or perhaps the only reason – why I'm kind of hoping the final entry in the mouth breathing Twilight franchise makes $infinity million dollars is so there can never be a reason to make another one. It came close! (Kind of.) Breaking Dawn – Part 2 hauled in $141.1 million over the weekend. It wasn't enough to break a franchise record (New Moon remains the opening weekend champion – $142.8 million in 2009) but good enough for second place on the list, along with becoming the fourth biggest opening weekend of 2012. Conclusion: Twi-Hards like movies that have people staring soullessly into each other for long periods of time.
Will the gross be enough for everyone involved to move on and never bother with the franchise again? This is the question that needs an answer soon, presumably before the masses start impulse buying Edward wigs and giant crochet colored eyeballs. One can hope the franchise can stay dormant until the end of time, but when it comes to Hollywood, we don't always get what we want. I'll be looking out for sales on cookies, instant rice, and bomb shelters during Black Friday, just in case.
Right now Rotten Tomatoes has the Twilight climax at 47%. Former Movies/TV 3R's columnist Shawn S. Lealos gave it a passable grade but he loved the fight death murder kill-fest scene at the end – the one where all the characters fight in a giant blender and Bella's dad pushes the "On" button. Post-credit footage features a scantily clad Kristen Stewart nailing the director hardcore. I'm assuming that's what happens. Shawn did say Twilight had finally done something to entertain the guys in the audience.
Speaking of something something Twilight entertainment, here's Part 2 and Part 3 of Screen Junkies' newest Honest Trailer - New Moon and Eclipse.
What's this about Guillermo del Toro wanting to direct a DC superhero team-up adaptation called Heaven Sent?: So there is a rumor floating around that future Pinocchio director Guillermo del Toro is in talks to direct a DC Comics adaptation movie so big…so…so big you couldn't get me to finish this sentence properly. (Bolded for easy spotting.)
Called HEAVEN SENT he is combining all the magical beings from DC Comics in one epic adventure. Deadman, The Spectre, Swamp Thing, Constantine Hellblazer(*ring ring ring* "Hello?" "Hello Keanu Reeves. This is Hollywood. I hope you still have your working boots on…"), Phantom Stranger, Zatanna, Zatara, and Sargon as well as Etrigan the Demon will team up to no doubt save us from the Stay Puft Marshmallow man. Now this one is a ways away, but Warner's lawyers have been working every night trying to clear the rights to all these characters. I am excited. Imagine a giant inflatable Spectre floating over San Diego ComiCon like we had with the SKY CAPTAIN Robot? Or endless screenings of the film like with SCOTT PILGRIM? Or maybe a building converted into a giant ad like with COWBOYS AND ALIENS? HEAVEN SENT is certain to RULE ComicCon in 2020! Que Bueno! - Latino Review
There is nothing official, and other than del Toro expressing strong interest in the "Avengers-like" project – ""Wow- please contact whoever said I denied it. I cannot recall ever answering a question like that. Sadly I dont do tweeter. I denied being involved in JLA but this ['Heaven Sent'] I would love to do!!!" – there is sadly nothing else to report on the matter. No scripts. No contract negotiations. The only thing powering this story right now is hope. Only hope.
I don't know how far the rumor will go. We just got to the point where Warner Bros. are managing to put together an honest-to-goodness Justice League. Perhaps the movie will see the light of day, perhaps not.
But if Heaven Sent is a reality, Keanu Reeves as Constantine or GTFO. I may have mentioned it before.
Really important news: Billy Dee Williams to return as Lando Calrissian for Star Wars: Episode VII?: BEGIN SPECULATION NAO!
Last week Billy Dee Williams stated that he had some interest in being a part of Star Wars: Episode VII. Today, Movie Hole reports that along with Luke, Han and Leia having some part in the new trilogy that will start with Star Wars: Episode VII, Billy Dee Williams' Lando Calrissian is also present in the treatment, which has been written by Michael Arndt. - 411mania
Game of Thrones Season 3 Teaser?: Game of Thrones Season 3 teaser. March 31st, 2013 is so far away!
To Have and To Gold is the lost James Bond film we deserve and the one we need right now: Missing for decades (or possibly misplaced), a lost chapter of James Bond from the 70s – written, produced, and directed by Gil Edmundberry (also the film's star) who is definitely not Chris Kattan – has been extracted from the Earth by the good people at Funny or Die and given the proper treatment James Bond films deserve.
Film review: it's sooooooooooooooo meta it's righteous. ****1/2.
Oops, I forgot about The Host – the other Stephenie Meyer movie: Oh no. I had completely forgotten about Meyer's other movie. The one described as "Twilight with aliens." Yes, it will continue. Just as we thought it was over, it's not. This new thing will exist and it will tear you apart.
Can aliens be bigger drama queens than vampires? Next spring will tell. With the last installment of The Twilight Saga opening this weekend, Summit Entertainment has begun priming Twi-Hards for its next Stephenie Meyer project, The Host, which hits the big screen on March 29.
Parasitic aliens are using humans as hosts to take over the planet — steely blue irises are the giveaway that a person has been infected — and Melanie, who, with Jared, is part of a rebel group fighting back against the invasion, eventually becomes one of them.
Or does she? Meyer's book is about how Mel, who remains partially conscious, fights back against the parasite controlling her body using her emotions and memories and eventually forms a bond with it that could help save the human race. (Cue dramatic score.) As you might expect from a Meyer novel, romantic complications, angst and action scenes ensue. - Movieline
The filming of The Hobbit turned out to be Hostel for animals : Good news: the American Humane Association has determined no animals were harmed or killed during the filming of The Hobbit.
Bad news: they are not including the part where 27 animals died in a farm where the animals were being kept after the end of production. Apparently Middle Earth is code for Magic Death Trap Candy Land if you come with four legs and a tail. (Fine print: no actual magic or candy present in Magic Death Trap Candy Land.)
The Associated Press spoke to four wranglers who said the farm near Wellington was unsuitable for horses because it was peppered with bluffs, sinkholes and broken-down fencing. They said they repeatedly raised concerns about the farm with their superiors and the production company, owned by Warner Bros., but it continued to be used. They say they want their story aired publicly now to prevent similar deaths in the future. - CBSNews
Rainbow, a miniature horse, was euthanized when he broke his back after falling off a bank.
Claire, a full-sized real horse, died after falling over a bluff.
Another horse, Zeppelin's, death records say it died of natural causes. But Johnny Smythe, a wrangler on the set and amateur animal-death-conspiracy-theorist, believes a new feed caused digestive issues which killed the horse.
Six goats and six sheep died after falling into sinkholes or developing worms on the farm.
Twelve chickens were mauled to death by roaming packs of dogs after they were left out of their enclosure.
Another horse, the aptly-named Doofus, nearly died when it got its leg cut in a fence, which really seems like it's more the horse's fault than anything else.
Yikes, what a depressing list. Makes you want to hate everyone involved in the movie for improper care.
Turns out the AHA only monitors animals while on the set, which means they overlooked the deadly farms where our four-legged friends stayed. I mentioned Hostel as a death trap reference for the poor horses and chickens and such, but I think one that makes more sense is the movie Cube. Who doesn't like Cube? That movie was awesome. Yeah, it was that, but instead of humans it was everyone in Animal Farm.
PETA, in an attempt to seek attention (*gasp* no, not PETA), is planning to stage a protest at various movie premieres. For once, I am OK with it (and then, I died a little inside), and if it bring out better safety standards in the future for animals looking to make their big break in movies, then so be it. At least the hobbits managed to make it out alive (that we know of so far).
Jeremy Renner parodied the Avengers on SNL, and sadly, it sucked: It was Jeremy Renner's turn to host SNL and…eehhhh he tried. Bless his heart he tried. But what we saw was a clearly nervous Renner, who had to resort to awkwardly reading cue cards for the night. He just didn't have the comedy chops necessary to make solid sketches work, and as a result, stumbled throughout the entire show. There have been worse SNL episodes but this one isn't going to be saved on the DVR, that's for sure.
As for the Avengers bit, ouch. Thor reduced to a scrunchy joke? Is that…is that a hand I see of someone holding Hulk's giant hand? Twice?! And Hulk fighting little people?!? It was awful. I usually stick up for SNL when other people tell me the show's prime relevance ended 87 years ago but that sketch was painful, and Renner stumbling on the last line didn't do him any favors. He deserves better. (His Hawkeye costume remains cool though.) (If anything, he's also a talented singer.)
Man planned to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn – Part 2 in Missouri: As you might as guessed from the tone of the column, I am not a fan of the Twilight franchise. For one thing, I'm not a 14-year-old girl. I merely collect them. (That would explain the FBI vans that keep showing up at my house.) All joking aside, no franchise – movie or otherwise – should be attached to a real-life crime scene, especially one involving theater shooting. We already had one major shooting spree at the theaters this year. I keep hoping it would be the last but never underestimate the crazy and inner awfulness of human beings.
Thus, we continue to have stories such as the 20-year-old man's plan to shoot up a theater showing Breaking Dawn – Part 2 over the weekend. Thankfully he was foiled before he could put his plan into motion. Foiled by his mom. Who named her son Blaec. Blaec Lammers. It's just one curveball after another.
Police in Missouri have arrested a man they say confessed to a plan to wage an armed assault this weekend on a movie theater screening of the film "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn — Part 2".
Blaec Lammers, 20, was arrested after his mother tipped police in small-town Bolivar, Mo., that her son had purchased weapons similar to those used in the Aurora, Colo., movie theater shooting and said she feared he might try to replicate the crime.
Lammers was charged Friday with first-degree assault, making a terroristic threat and armed criminal action. - LATimes
I hope this isn't going to become a copycat crime for all major movie releases. More important, I'm still trying to figure out how mom came up with the name Blaec. Is it pronounced "Blake" or "Bleak"? Help!
Sylvester Stallone will stop making Rambo films when you pry them from his cold dead hands: News: Sylvester Stallone wants to make a new Rambo film.
Also news: Sylvester Stallone is 108 years old.
Action hero Rambo may make a return to the big screen for one last battle, Hollywood veteran Sylvester Stallone said Wednesday in Rome where his latest gun-toting buddy flick screened its world premiere.
"The Rambo thing, that's why I don't retire. I just see a guy unable to go home. He needs war and I see him dying there," Stallone said about the Vietnam veteran he played in a series of four films from 1982 to 2008.
"If my damn body holds up, it'll be really good. Otherwise it won't be Rambo fighting, it'll be Rambo fighting arthritis," the 66-year-old said. - AFP
Synopsis: Sly is a Vietnam veteran who dismisses retirement for one last run at war! A new military regime (John Lithgow is their leader) murders his partner Apollo Creed, kidnaps his daughter (played by Estelle Getty's good friend Betty White), and infiltrates the United States Department of the Treasury, and that's when Rambo realized one man is not enough for the job anymore. Expect many bullets to the face area.
Verdict: The movie will be called Rambo: Contra Infinite and will cost $70 million dollars. Save your "Movie of the Year" awards everyone because this awesome, manly, awesomely manly action flick will cause your grandpa's hearing aid to explode. In other words, yes plz Sly.
"Wacky David Hasselhoff sitting on KITT while dressed as Captain Hook" is a real sentence that really happened: Laying out on the hood of KITT in pirate gear is former Baywatch and Knight Rider star David Hasselhoff. David Hasselhoff is dressed as a pirate. He's on the hood of a talking car without a care in the world. "AARGH I'm a pirate on the S.S. KITT f**k you" says Hasselhoff, as I imagine he might say. This is why the world needs David Hasselhoff to do the things he does.
As you could see from the poster, he is playing the role of Captain Hook in a London-based performance of Peter Pan. But that's not important. What is important is the expression on his face. Look at him having the time of his time. His smile matches mine. I don't know why KITT is there but it might be because it could.
"Courtney Stodden was booked for a pole dancing performance at a gay club" is also a real sentence that almost happened: This woman again, huh? I thought once she got her own reality show we wouldn't be subjected to hearing about her every so often. Oh wait, having a reality show has the opposite effect of what I just said above. *sigh* Let's see what she's up to now.
Courtney Stodden will NOT be flaunting her suspiciously perky 18-year-old breasts at a pole dancing performance next week -- because the gay club that booked her ... just dropped her like a hot potato.
Courtney's people tell TMZ, it's unclear why her performance was abruptly canceled -- but they believe the higher ups who own the place pulled the plug on her out of "fear" ... whatever that means.
Courtney had been scheduled to ride the pole at the famous Abbey in West Hollywood the night before Thanksgiving.
Don't be too disappointed -- Courtney wasn't planning to bare her ta-tas for the show anyway ... she's holding out for a much bigger paycheck to do that. - TMZ
TMZ: the beacon of journalism.
I have nothing else to add to the story so here's a video clip of a bridge in Durham, North Carolina. It's undefeated, you know. You'll find it a much better use of your time.
Is this the epic final battle Lealos was talking about in his Twilight review? I like to think it is. A royal rumble of scrumptious cats and ducklings currently makes for majestic viewing.
Last week's poll was a rout: Rock n' roll freak cat (81.25%) over Sting holding his two confused cats while garbed in his dirty Mickey Mouse t-shirt (18.75%). I still want to know the story behind that GIF. What's his angle? Does he refer to himself as the third Insane Clown Posse? Does the Juggalo World Order know about this? Are the cats a part of his master plan to gather all the remaining Twinkies left in the world or is this just some sick sad trombone mime fetish? I MUST KNOW!
This week's theme: dancing. Nothing much, just a colorfully dressed Paul Rudd struttin' on the dance floor against a snow wolf in people clothes. This is the normalest sentence you will read all day.
Via (Along with a crazy amount of other dancing GIFs )
Man, this is hard. Both are awesomely awesome in their own awesome way. Like walking on a sidewalk and finding a dollar and four quarters. Although I find carrying loose change in your pocket a hassle. I hate it. Always shows itself to the bottom of the pocket, always buried under card-crammed wallets, essential doohickeys, hand sanitizers, and portable vibrators. I blame my poor hand-to-coin coordination skills (likely to go undrafted in the BCA [Business Cashier Association] but it will make my success story so much bigger. I'd be the John Starks of the BCA). And unless you give someone the exact change, you're only going to be given back more coins to fill your cup holder. Then you can't put your drink there because the coins make the drink ever so slightly tilted. I would still welcome having coins over not having coins but they can be a trivial pain.
The Paul Rudd GIF is the dollar I find on the sidewalk. I just like it a little bit more.
Last word: That wonderful feeling when you forget to lock your car in the church parking lot and find out later that someone easily broke in and looted one nice pair of Sky Optic sunglasses and a dollar in change? Just wonderful.
Enjoy turkey, football, and venomous night shopping everyone.