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Movies/TV's 3R’s 02.19.13: Peter Dinklage, Batman, Happy Endings, Jason Statham, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 02.19.2013

Welcome to Week 189 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.

Make sure to click the Facebook "Like", Tweet button, and Google +1 links over there to the right of the article! Support 411mania, your home for the best in pop culture entertainment news. Follow me at my Twitter page:

Without any further ado, here is...

  • Peter Dinklage will play as Bolivar Trask in X-Men: Days of Future Past: Last week Bryan Singer announced (on Twitter) and welcomed Game of Throne star Peter Dinklage aboard the S.S. X-Men: Days of Future Past ship. Geeks threw their pocket protectors up in excitement while happy dancing to the finest music available: the Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade soundtrack.

    Nobody knew what character he might play, although rumors suggested he was to be the main antagonist. Well the rabbit is out of the hat now because MTV reports Dinklage might be playing Bolivar Trask, military scientist and inventor of the Sentinels. Trask appeared briefly in X-Men: The Last Stand, a film universally hated by pretty much everyone; more importantly, the actor who played Trask (Bill Duke) looks nothing like Dinklage. For one, Duke is a large black man, whereas Dinklage is the exact opposite. "What kind of funky time traveling happened to make this weird science possible?" I say facetiously and to no one in particular.

    In any case, having Tyrion freakin' Lannister portraying Trask is going to be a treat. In addition, it is also reported that Richard Nixon is set to appear in the movie. I have the perfect person in mind for such a role:

  • Jason Statham is going to be in Fast & Furious 7: Jason Statham in Fas7 & Fur7ous 7? Jason Statham in Fa7t & Fu7iou7 777.

    According to Ain't It Cool, not only is Statham set to play the villain, but the film will also go back to Tokyo. Holy cow. Vin Diesel. Paul Walker. The Rock. Statham. THEY BE NEON DRIFTIN' IN TOYKO, Y'ALL! We are one Samuel L. Jackson and Tim Roth cast signing away from this being the Pulp Fiction of street racing movies, unless you want to use It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World as the reference for having an all-star cast lineup first. I'd understand if you do. So…the Expendables of street racing movies?

    Ain't It Cool has more details about the plot of the next movie, along with Statham's role, but they are covered with nasty spoilers, so I'll be posting the link and nothing more.

    Now that I think about it, Expendables is like the Pulp Fiction of revived 80s action trope movies. What I'm getting at is if we combine Expendables, Fast & Furious, and Pulp Fiction together, how much money will it make at the box office before the universe either declares bankruptcy or explodes? I mean that in the best way possible.

    Now if you'd excuse me…I have…phone numbers to dial and dollars to think about counting. Please divert yourself with this relevant video of Vin Diesel singing Stay by Rihanna.

  • The short SNL review: Christopher Waltz does Djesus Uncrossed: I could type up a lengthy review about Christopher Waltz's solid performance on SNL and how saved us from Justin Bieber's backwash. I'm not going to do that, because the pretend trailer Djesus Uncrossed did the work for me. The video, in a representation of the episode, was excellent and totally made up for last week's snoozefest. Best of all, you can see hints of Taratino's entire film profile from within, including Kill Bill and the Pulp Fiction-esque Ving Rhames.

    "Jesus H. Christ."

    "The H is silent."


    Fred Amrisen dressed in drag was the only low point I could remember. Strong episode.

  • Elisha Cuthbert, of Happy Endings fame, named TV's most beautiful woman: The editors of Maxim Magazine named Happy Endings star Elisha Cuthbert as TV's most beautiful woman last week, and to be blunt, I see no problems here. I'm sure you could pick a handful of other TV woman to bestow such honor. To me, Cuthbert is a solid pick.

    I don't know how the list was made, but one likely scenario had Maxim grabbing all the lovely TV ladies and locking them in a room with only a pillow in hand and a goal in mind: to survive the fluffy onslaught. As you can see, Elisha clearly won the fight. A happy ending, indeed.

    Enough chitchat, time for the cover (along with an assortment of other images).

    There is a chance I will make love to that last GIF. A sexy lady AND ribs? I'm sold.

    Images and GIFs via, via, and via.

  • Happy Endings, bumped from Tuesdays to Fridays, got replaced with Celebrity Wife Swap and will feature Kate Gosselin and Kendra Wilkinson: I usually pick on NBC for a variety of deserved reasons. I say NBC is awful, and a grimm community of freaks and geeks usually response in agreement over the poor handling – from frequent rescheduling to unpopular cancellations to whatever Jeff Zucker thinks is a good idea (More Whitney!) – of their favorite shows. You can nibble down all the criticisms down to a recurring theme: just NBC being NBC.

    Well it's not like the other major networks are any better. While not near NBC in terms of ineptitude, ABC is no stranger dishing out the middle finger. Like, for example, their decision to move Happy Endings from Tuesdays to the TV ratings death hole known as Fridays, starting March 29th. It was done so ABC could fill the once-occupied time slot with a reality show called Celebrity Wife Swap.

    ABC announced Wednesday, Feb. 13 that Gosselin, 37, and Wilkinson, 27, will be the first stars to appear on the new season of the reality series on Feb. 26. On Celebrity Wife Swap, stars switch lifestyles, children and homes for one week to experience another celebrity's life.

    Gosselin will get to stay with Wilkinson's husband, former NFL wide receiver Hank Baskett, and their son Hank, 3, while Wilkinson will become a single mother of eight kids (twins Cara and Mady, 12, and sextuplets Aaden, Collin, Joel, Leah, Alexis and Hannah, 8), whom Gosselin shares with ex-husband Jon. - Warming Glow (via US Weekly)

    Can Kendra Wilkinson raise eight kids by herself?! Can Hank Baskett hold out long jjjuuussst enough to not pie face Kate Gosselin with a handful of mud and urine? THE FUN STARTS HERE, ONLY ON ABC!

    This is exactly why we can't have nice things.

  • Super sad Community news: hardly anyone watched Community last week: The Halloween episode "Paranormal Parentage" was better than the season premiere – still not the show from seasons 1-3 but they're getting there – although I've heard from the other side that the premiere was better. It's not going to matter in the long run if America thinks Nicki Minaj's seizure hair (the hair that causes seizures) and American Idol is a better brand of entertaining television than Troy and Abed's tribute to Calvin and Hobbes, and sadly, it is exactly what happened.

    In its second week of its fourth season and also head-to-head with Idol on Fox, NBC's Community (1.1/4) fell 42% from its season debut last week to hit a series low. - Deadline

    Community, your ratings. Woof!

    This was not a Valentine's Day issue, either. According to Zap2it's Rick Porter (via Twitter), "V-Day TV ratings are down across the across the board, but overall TV usage was only off about 5%." Perhaps if the episode had been aired on Halloween like it was supposed to, none of this would be happening. (See: previous NBC rant.)

    Engage sad Troy Hobbes image!


  • A Good Day to Die Hard was not well liked too much: Even with expectations kept in the lowest of lows, a lot of people didn't seem to like A Good Day To Die Hard (16% on Rotten Tomato), and that's a shame concerning the film is the embodiment of America, apple pie, and puppies in costume. This is not going to bode well for someone who likes Bruce Willis and an unhealthy dose of action trope in movies. Someone like me. Among the group includes 411's own Jeffrey Harris, who (to be fair) half liked it, and Nolan Woodford, who doesn't like "poorly filmed explosions and unnecessary plot twists" as much as I do. As if that's a bad thing.

    As a consolidation prize, the film did secure #1 at the box office with $25 million (an average of $7,036 from 3,553 theaters). Given the franchise's history and marketing effort, the number is viewed as a disappointment.

    I haven't seen the movie yet, but if you want to input your feelings/disgust/wonderment on the movie, feel free. I need references, as well as a good shoulder to cry on when A Good Day to Die Hard doesn't exceed what I wanted it to be.

  • Uptown gentlemen Alec Baldwin shorts racial slurs at black photographer: Alec Baldwin is as much as terrific actor as he is an unlikable buttmunch. The airline people can arrest to that. When not attacking photographers in ugly confrontations, he goes out of his way to make more attention-grabbing headlines, this time with a New York Post reporter and her colleague, a black photographer (this part is important).

    Actor Alec Baldwin allegedly called a black Post photographer a racial epithet, a "crackhead" and a "drug dealer" during a confrontation on an East Village street yesterday morning, prompting police to intervene.

    Baldwin had first been approached by a Post reporter while walking his dogs outside his East 10th Street pad at around 10:50 a.m. He was asked for comment on a lawsuit against his wife, Hilaria, involving her work as a yoga instructor.

    The "30 Rock'' star grabbed the reporter, Tara Palmeri, by her arm and told her, "I want you to choke to death," Palmeri told police, for whom she played an audiotape of the conversation.

    He then called G.N. Miller — a decorated retired detective with the NYPD's Organized Crime Control Bureau and a staff photographer for The Post — a "coon, a drug dealer,'' Miller's police statement said. - New York Post

    And that is how Quentin Tarantino was able to think of the idea for a modern retelling of Django Unchained, replacing the plot of slavery to Alec Baldwin fighting photographers. Below is a sneak peek of the upcoming nonexistent movie.


  • Warner Bros wants us to wait 6 years for the next Batman movie: Last time on Justice League: the Warner Bros. threw out Will Beall's first script for the movie – rumor has it they locked it up in the cold depths of Arkham Asylum – and panic ensued. It is believed Warner is waiting to see how Man of Steel performs in the box office this summer before taking any more necessary steps to ensure its prized release date of 2015. Even so, the studio's answer to Marvel's The Avengers is looking bleaker by the day.

    Ah well, as long as it doesn't affect the release of a rebooted Batman film. According to Slash Film, sources tell us that Batman is definitely good to go…in about 6 years.

    Remember, the plan (allegedly) was to introduce the cinematic DCU Batman in the JL film. So, will Batman still be rebooted? And, will this rebooted Batman on film be introduced in a solo film without having it jibe with a future JL film/cinematic DCU? I asked a good FOBOF – one who keeps his/her ear close to the ground on such matters – those very questions.

    "Don't worry about the Batman [film] franchise," he/she said, "it's [Warner Bros.'] most valuable [DC Comics-based] asset." He She continued, "I believe that they are now looking at introducing [the rebooted] Batman in a solo film, though that will likely take place later than they initially planned. They are extreemly worried how [the Batman film franchise] would be affected if JUSTCE LEAGUE bombs…and rightfully so."

    "The fact that what should be the core fanbase of a Justice League film isn't on board is making them sweat as well," he/she adds.

    So I asked him/her the obvious question: If there is no JL film in 2015 and MAN OF STEEL is a big hit, when might we next see Batman on film?

    "Under that scenario, I'd say around 2019 or so." - Batman On Film

    There is no indication of the rumor being 100% accurate, though it's enough of a reason to suggest we turn over cars and burn down cities to express our outage (please do not turn over cars and burn down cities). I guess making a simple Batman reboot is becoming too much of a hassle for Warner. I would deliver them a copy of Kingdom Come, with a sticky note on it that says "Do this. Boom, script done," in an attempt to pull the studio out from under this mess, but very likely my intentions will be checked off under the comment "Office toilet paper received".

  • Big Ass Spider, a movie about a rather large spider, delivers exactly what is promised: I am in heart with giant insect movies. They're might not belong in the Criterion Collection, but then again, when films about a mutated 50-foot insect looks at you with the same taste as you would a hamburger with extra cheese, you're not getting 12 Angry Men here.

    Here's the trailer, which is like a hamburger with extra cheese – deliciously satisfying. Also, the movie is cheesy.

    Yup, delivers exactly what is promised: a man and spider pushing aside their differences to compete in the local soap box derby race. Rex Reed will try to work "Blimpo the Spider looks like it ate a nest egg of blueberry muffins before each scene" in for his upcoming review.

    The plan is for me and Larry Csonka to attend the premiere, since he hearts these things about as much as I do. Shouldn't be that hard, we do have the credentials to get past the gate after all.

    *prepares chloroform, rag*

  • Fun activity: let's count all the deaths in Quentin Tarantino movies: Spoiler: Tarantino has a hard on for violence and body counts.

    Via Vanity Fair

  • The cast of Happy Endings do the Harlem Shake: I don't know when doing the Harlem Shake and posting it on the Internet became a new thing. However, as Internet fads go, this one is amusingly delightful. You may have already grown tired of the different incarnations out there on YouTube, but so what. I say let everybody get it out of their system before moving on to upside down house surfing or something. Just sit back and watch as a legion of go getters put on their helmets and contribute to a funky dance that will certainly pass in a few weeks, much like the great Internet memes of yore. Then I took an arrow to the knee HARF HARRFFF.

    Like I said before, I find the whole thing whimsical and nonthreatening. Don't take it as a means to start your own Harlem Shake video. Only professionals of the highest caliber should be allowed to partake in the goofy rural. Take, for example, the cast of Happy Endings, who decided to make their groovy entry. I immediately fell in love. (The latest to jump on the bandwagon: the niche Wrestling Is Art promotion, TNA, and the NFL. It's spreading fast, people!)

    It starts with TV's hottest woman Elisha Cuthbert awesomely doing a silly and delightful dance before giving us the inevitable conclusion – a dance orgy with everyone from the show, including Sinbrad, Brad Williams' (played by Damon Wayans, Jr.) fun-loving dummy sidekick. You can call the latest Internet thing dumb if you want, but I like it and I like it even better when the cast from amazing television shows do it. Unfortunately the craze will take a turn for the worst once Glee gets their hands on it. You'll be given full permission to fully hate it then.

    And that fulfills the Happy Endings trifecta. Thank you for your time. I request my payment be sent by first class air mail.

  • Three words: Hedgehogs go tubing! Adorableness overload! You have been warned.

    The closest race in the short history of Monday Night GIF Fight was decided by two just votes: Batman high-fiving Superman (%50.74) escapes (much too happy) Superman patting Batman on the head (%49.26) for the well-earned victory. Last week's contest was also the highest voter output in MNHF history. Hmm…you mean to tell me people like voting for hilarious GIFs featuring two of the most iconic figures in American comic book history? Good to know.

    This week: a special wrasslin episode!






    I did this mainly in response to the IOC's awful decision to remove wrestling from the 2020 Olympics program – I know amateur and professional wrestling are mutually exclusive to each other, just play along – due to a lack of interest or whatever BS. I think former Iran Olympian and WWF Heavyweight Champion The Iron Sheik sums it up pretty well in a rational matter, and by "rational matter" I mean he plans to go on a violent camel clutch spree.

    GIF #1: C.M. Punk knee-capitating the head of Big Show seems like something C.M. Punk would do. Honestly I haven't watched a lot of wrestling lately, but I did catch snippets of the Punk-Rock feud. I think it went something like this:

    C.M. Punk: The C.M. Punk am winning again! I am the greetest!
    Rock: lol you gaymoe!
    *Rock wins title, proceeds to stuff Punk in locker for a month*

    I've watched plenty of wrestling in the past to know that is exactly what happened. Probably.

    GIF #2: I was watching potentially maniacal Austin Aries laughing until the end of time for about 10 minutes yesterday. I think I may have Asperger.

    GIF #3: So this is what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a "Macho Man" Randy Savage elbow drop. It is horrifying.

    Last word: Happy 50th Birthday to G.O.A.T. Michael Jordan. I can't think of one other athlete with as much talent, ultracompetitiveness, and the ability to skew people away from remembering him as an ungrateful towering bastard on and off the court. It's what made him Number 23. He was so amazing.

    For fun MJ reads, check out Wright Thompson's ESPN piece and Craig Ehlo's commentary on his time with – and against, mostly against – Jordan for Deadspin. Both are remarkable reads; I highly suggest clearing your work schedule to read them twice.




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