Movies/TV's 3R’s 03.26.13: Iron Man 3, Star Trek Into Darkness, World War Z, Amanda Bynes, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 03.26.2013
From the latest Iron Man 3 TV spot and new Star Trek Into Darkness trailer to Michael Bay’s Ninja Turtle actors revealed, The Rock in Star Wars and more, 411's Porfirio Diaz breaks down the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous from the week in Movies/TV!
Welcome to Week 194 of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.
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Pepper Potts in Iron Man suit confirmed according to latest Iron Man 3 trailer: Yup. Pepper Potts has her own Iron Man (Iron Woman?) suit. Discuss. Discuss nao!
My hot take: still hot with it on, not so much when socializing with friends, learning how to make tacos, or going to a ninja party.
Georges St-Pierre gonna hand Captain America's ass on a plate in Captain America sequel: Or, OR, more like Georges St-Pierre is going to put a Capt in that ‘Meric-ass. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I've been told that mixed martial artist and current UFC Welterweight Champion, Georges St-Pierre aka GSP has been cast in Marvel's "Captain America: The Winter Soldier".
GSP will play one of the villains, Batroc the Leaper!!! - Latino Review
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha. Delightful.
St-Pierre was able to successfully defend his UFC welterweight belt against Nick Diaz at UFC 158 over the weekend. This means he can put aside his mixed martial arts career for the time being and go onto the next logical step: dethroning superheroes. Obviously.
Monday Night Trailers Fight: Star Trek Into Darkness vs. Vin Diesel's Riddick: In one corner we have the newest Star Trek trailer. I don't know what is most intriguing about it: the marvelous action, the would-be stories, the return of lens flares, or ALICE EVE RANDOM DRIVEBY UNDERWEAR SHOT. Even Scott Norwood couldn't miss it. You're probably going to want to stop at the exact scene (not for obvious reasons) and take a closer look (again, not for obvious reasons). Take a hoot a rounds I mean take a look around the middle of the scene, near the tops top! There is a hidden URL written right above the control panel. How clever. Hiding an Easter egg during a shot where people will most likely be fixated on. See it? What? Still don't notice it? What the, hey…eyes over there!
Anyway, the bit.ly link takes you to a new poster revealed at the official Star Trek Into Darkness page for Australia. Yet somehow I get the feeling you haven't gotten to this point of the paragraph. Your whole life is stuck on 1:36 now.
In the other corner is Riddick starring Vin Diesel. The trailer is about 2 minutes shorter than Star Trek's – but the space badassery is on a much larger scale. From dragons, Vin Diesel strangling dragons, and knife-throwing, to Vin Diesel's intimidating "mmhhmm," Riddick has everything you could want from a movie starring Vin Diesel.
So take your pick. Are you more excited for Star Trek's almost nude Easter egg hunt or Riddick Mass Effecting dragons?
The Rock wants to be in a Star Wars film, in a superhero film, in everything: The Rock. Will. Not. Go. Away! I love me some Rock, but I can't help but feel he wants to appear on every single set imaginable. What him for a movie? Just park an empty trailer anywhere and he'll appear. He was even making his first steps towards appearing in video games had the people behind Saints Row IVnot scrapped it. What if the world happens to stop paying attention to him? Does he wither up and die? Go back to his home planet? Troll on The Miz? (He'll take any attention he can get at this point.)
The Rock is going to be everywhere for the next three months to promote about 135 of his movies. Three of them are bound to be good. When asked about future roles, he hopes to be in a Star Wars movie one day, as well as become the next great superhero.
On what franchise he most wants to be in: "Star Wars. And that's not to say that they need it. Obviously they're doing very well. J.J. [Abrams] is just gonna crush it. I'm so excited. There's a guy, by the way, who's not just a brilliant director, but who honors and respects mythology. You've seen that with Star Trek and you're going to see that with Star Wars. I'm very excited about that."
On his dead DC projects Lobo and Shazam: "[Lobo] kind of came and went. It came. I thought it was interesting. Then it kind of went away... Shazam was more interesting. And really interesting to me. I would have loved that, especially the idea of playing Black Adam. Again, though, studios start to look at other properties and other superhero properties, what makes sense and what doesn't."
I'm only joshing on The Rock as a way that he'll notice me through Twitter rage and I can apologize and we can be friends and eat ice cream while hang gliding over the Rocky Mountains. What a nice summer that would be.
I'm looking forward to him appearing in a Porky's remake, a Black Vulcan superhero movie, voice work for a Gummi Bears animated reunion show, and the porn parody of Dirty Dancing cleverly titled Dirty Dancing XXX: Rock in Roll.
Forget the environment, save Happy Endings!: Happy Endings is not enjoying itself at the moment. The ratings have not been kind – even losing to Celebrity Wife Swap, the reality show that bumped off Happy Endings from its time slot in the first place. I don't want to live on this planet anymore – and there is dread hanging over the set like a black cloud in Bugs Bunny cartoons. There is a chance the incredibly clever TV show might survive for the long run, but more than likely it's going to be sent off into the big cancellation bin in the sky. A terrible terrible shame.
Thankfully ABC has not abandoned the show. The network is trying their best to pretty much focus people to tell them to save Happy Endings, even if they did put the show in their crosshair in the first place AND put it on a timeslot when few are at home AND seems to be a hypocritical move on their part anyway. Eh. They're trying, I'll give them that. Even if it's fake trying.
There is another way to save Happy Ending. You can watch this video of a glasses-tanktop combo wearing Eliza Coupe telling dirty jokes. Show your support. Watch Eliza Coupe giving you the dirty business. Then watch her show. Two times…no five times. In a row. Thank you.
Second World War Z trailer something something still kind of meh: Marc Forster's questionable adaptation of Max Brooks' popular zombie apocalypse book World War Z was supposed to have opened last December, but production was plagued with complications – Pitt and Forster at one point were not on speaking terms, they started shooting the film before the script was even finished, the whole "turning the book into a CGI mess" snafu, etc. The project was pushed back for another round of reshoots and a new third act, written under the care of Prometheus screenwriter writer Damon Lindelof.
Verdict: it looks slightly better than what we saw in the first footage and Super Bowl spot. The book's political angle, missing from its previous two showings, is caught up in the newest trailer. I have to be honest: even that looks flimsy at best. I can appreciate their willingness to go back and finally embrace some variation from the book. Baby steps forward. I still can't let go of the fact that the movie is going to be an underwhelming CGI goofball where Brad Pitt travels the global to find a cure and save his family. Hint: that is not what the book was about.
The problem is, and has been, the title. You have to wonder why Paramount would spend money to buy the rights to adapt World War Z and not have it bear a resemblance to the book when simply using another title would have been fine. Why not call the film National Geographic Magazine: Zombie Judgment Day and save a few million in the process? We would have gathered together in harmony and talk about how much of an underwhelming GGI goofball it was but with much less bile in our reviews/Facebook posts.
World War Z could still end up being a hit once it opens on June 21, 2013. World War Z could still end up being a good movie. It's just not the World War Z so many other people wanted it to be. Instead, we get Brad Pitt: The One Man Who Can Save the World From Zombie Lemmings And Oh Yeah His Family Is Along For the Ride For Some Reason. Title could use some work.
These are the guys set to be Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles, and I don't know who they are: Oh hai new Michael Bay's Ninja Turtle actors. Nice to meet you. I'm just going to cut to the chase – I don't particularly care what you do in this movie. All I'm going to tell you is that fire cures everything, especially ill-gotten movie set pieces. OK! Now with that out of the way, why don't you introduce yourselves:
Last week, I broke that Paramount Pictures had set The Hunger Games: Catching Fire newcomer Alan Ritchsonto play Raphael in the reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Allow me to lift the shell off who'll be playing the other three turtles. I'm told that Pete Ploszek will play Leonardo, Jeremy Howard will play Donatello and Noel Fisher will play Michaelangelo in the Jonathan Liebesman-directed film. Now, the turtles in the original movies were kind of interchangeable, stuffed into those cheesy costumes, but this is supposed to be a more sophisticated Avatar-like approach. - Deadline
I was going to say "Way to cheap out there, Michael Bay," but then I remembered where the rest of the movie budget is going to – April O'Neil's breast job and Gluten-Free tofu pizza. This timeline sucks.
Here is the Calvin and Hobbes animated cartoon short that will tear us apart: Calvin and Hobbies is the relief from eating yucky vegetables and having your friends give you a poisoned cupcake (one that have been dropped on the ground and sort of put under faucet water, and purposely not telling me about it. Thanks 5th grade childhood friends). Calvin and Hobbies is the belief that you can make yourself to be anything you could ever want, whatever it be an astronaut, race car driver, or Brooke Shields' underwear drawer. (I'm in a good place right now.)
That's why I'm sooooo torn about the following video. The short – created by Ugly Americans animator Adam Brown – is based one of the comic's most famous strips (using cartoonist Bill Watterson's own drawings as keyframes). Basically this is what an animated Calvin and Hobbes cartoon might look like. And it…might be…not a good thing? Maybe?
When Michael Bay say he was going to recreate the Ninja Turtle and turn them into aliens, it was like he took all of my childhood TNMT toys and threw them into a lava pit. That is the fear of what someone attempting a Calvin and Hobbes cartoon would be. On the other hand, Adam Brown made what is an absolutely perfect recreation of the comic strip. Plus, Calvin doesn't speak! An animated cartoon series, in the hands of corporate greed, would force him to have speaking lines and it'll make him sound so high-pitchy, ruining everything good and pure! Imagine if Nintendo suddenly wanted Link to have a speaking voice. All the memory, all the happiness – destroyed for profit and ratings. It'll be terrible and we'll argue about it until we die or the Earth explodes from our unified angst.
As an approximate 30-second shot, Calvin and Hobbes is perfect. As a 30-minute cartoon series, it will be very off putting.
The Shamwow Guy-directed movie inAPPropriate Comedy earned $625 per theater: Quiz time, people. These are facts:
- The sky is blue.
- Water is wet.
- Emma Stone has the hots for me.
- The Vince Offer-project inAPPropriate Comedy starring Rob Schneider, Michelle Rodriguez (things will get better, Michelle), Adrien Brody (when did he stop caring?), and Lindsay Lohan (no top billing on this column for you!) earned $172,000 from 275 theaters in its debut weekend. It was so bad Mike Ryan of the Huffington Post live-blogged it. I heard he's about to come out of that comatose soon.
12:05 p.m. Adrien Brody is playing a character named Flirty Harry, a parody of Dirty Harry. He just said, "Go ahead, make me gay." I am not making this up.
12:40 p.m. Adrien Brody's Flirty Harry just shot a man, and the bullet traveled from the man's anus into the man's mouth.
12:40 p.m. Adrien Brody has an Oscar.
12:41 p.m. For Best Actor. It's not even one of those Supporting ones.
12:53 p.m. Oh, good, an abortion sketch.
12:55 p.m. And, yep, there's your coat hanger joke.
12:55 p.m. I miss you, jokes about 127 Hours. Why did you leave me?
12:57 p.m. I hate work meetings. However, at this precise moment I wish my boss would call me in for an emergency work meeting about how to make a nifty slideshow or something. Anything.
1:05 p.m. A man just let a mouse eat cheese off of his penis.
1:06 p.m. That same man just got his penis caught in a mousetrap. - Huffington Post
Make that two car crashes Lindsay has to answer for. Hey speaking of which…
Lindsay Lohan, still out drinking despite sentence to get her to stop drinking, is upset that her birthday is going to be spend at reha…you know what, no: That's right. No. N-O. I'm not going to write about this anymore. I hereby place a moratorium on all Lindsay Lohan stories because it's becoming quite obvious that she's still not getting it and might never get it. Just the same crapover and over again. I'm done. Unless she, I don't know, breaks out of rehab and sleeps with Jon Hamm while doing body shots off Blake Lively. Then you can bet I will be here to report on it. Me or AJ Grey, who will make sure to include the words "bikini," "body," or "booty" in the title even if unnecessary. That's how he rolls.
Here are some hints of what those headlines might look like:
"4 Sexy New Booty Pics of Lindsay Lohan in Rehab." – (04.09.13) AJ Grey.
"Lindsay Lohan Looking Hot While Escaping Rehab Center." – (04.28.13) AJ Grey
"Lindsay Lohan Shows off Bikini Body as She Continues Running Amuck on Streets in Intense Fits of Rage." (04.30.13) – AJ Grey
"Lindsay Lohan's Cleavage on Display Minutes After Being Involved in (Surprise) Another Car Accident." – (05.13.13) AJ Grey
"Lindsay Lohan's Rocks Impressive Thong for Court Date." – (07.14.13) AJ Grey
"Check out Lindsay Lohan in Bra and Panties While Burning down Jennifer Lawrence's House." (09.24.13) – AJ Grey
"Lindsay Lohan Holding Bloody Head of Charlie Sheen – Hot or Not?" – (12.24.13) AJ Grey
"Lindsay Lohan Gets Sexy on Nude Beach for Teaching Course of The Theory of Quantum Entanglement." (Alternative Dimension) – AJ Grey.
Amanda Bynes wants Drake to commit murder on her downstairs lady parts: There's a fear that Amanda Bynes is turning into the new Lindsay Lohan and we will all be buried under a pile of insufferable stories relating to the plot. You know: the alcohol thing, the careless driving thing, the Twitter thing, the whole former child star thing. "Amanda Bynes is 2013's Lindsay Lohan" is what the headline will say and you will have no choice but to shut down the Internet and live out the rest of the year tending sick goats back to health or whatever. Luckily we are not at that point as of this time. Do continue to remain on alert if there is nuclear pressure out from the West Coast from Hurricane Amanda, please.
So what is the former Nickelodeon star up to these days? Something ribald, no doubt.
In case it wasn't clear the first time, Amanda Bynes wants Drake to murder her vagina. Once more, Amanda Bynes wants Drake to mur-diddly-urdler her vagina! So do we…do we do something about it? How does vagina murder even work? Is there an information desk on it? Is it like The Vagina Monologues but more NCIS-ee, followed by a haunting narrative from LL Cool J? Will Drake be prosecuted under American vagina murder laws, if our nation even has one? Will the wanted poster show up on YouPorn? How do we know if it isn't already dead? Should Amanda Bynes need a special license to post all future tweets from now on? So many questions.
I think she thinks her vagina is All That and feels that someone of Drake's credentials is What a Girl Wants but only because She's the Man who will lure Drake with her pleasures of vagina slaughter and he will be all like, "This is What I Like About You now gurl hold still while I put some Hairspray on it aww yeah das cool" and it will be gross and Charlotte's Web 2: Wilbur's Great Adventure.
Why are you not checking out ABC's ridiculous TV diving show Splash?!: You know me by now. I tend to spread a lot of guff in the direction of most reality shows. So when the story first developed about how there was going to be a reality-based diving competition show involving famous people, I immediately laughed it off as another sad attempt to celebrate celebrity celebrityness, this time amid pool water and belly flops.
I was right. I was also wrong. It is so much more.
So, I ask once again:
I can explain the last image: Louie Anderson needed help getting out of the pool. He's the clear winner of this contest.
Actually never mind. These GIFs are all you need to know about Splash.
Paperman Threesome, the obvious conclusion to Paperman: What happens if you take Disney's Oscar-winning animated short Paperman and figure out what happens past the end credits? The correct answer is paper airplanes looking for some hot threesome action duh.
The joke is ehhh okay but I'm more in awe on College Humor's pain-stalking task to recreate two and a half minutes of traditional animation, all for a simple threesome joke. Looks like everyone one else will need to step up their game. Me included, which is why I drew myself eating ice cream with The Rock Emma Stone while hang gliding over the Rocky Mountains. It's…not for public eyes.
This week's GAAVOFW introduces pups and television shows from the 90s – a combination not meant for the cynical mind. The geniuses behind the informative phenomenon Pet Collective – no strangers to this area under the banner – is responsible for a number of animal videos meant to raise awareness for adopting puppies and other cute critters. They may have outdone themselves with their latest entry, showcasing a pup named Will Sniff, how he became the Fresh Pup of Bel-Air, and dog puns. You must have a heart of black ice if you can't find a single amazing thing about a video with a cool frat doggy wearing a green shirt and rainbow cap.
And look, there's special guest star Uncle Phil, looking very spry for a 64-year-old. You lose weight, Phil? Because you lookin' good my man.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: two great tastes that taste great together.
The votes are clear. You guys prefer gray-painted cowboy street performers punching guys who deserve it (85.37%) over figuring out if two regular tires are able to catch a cement pipe from a certain height without it scattering into pieces (14.63%). I understand. Hard to resist the charms of watching a performer decking a prankster and leaving a (gray-colored) mark on his face, so maybe you were on to something. What am I talking about – of course you knew what you were doing.
Back when I was in college, my roommate showed me a children book-like story on some website about a small boy and his boyhood take on life. The poem was lively with colorful stick figure drawings and soft music, nothing too complex. At the time I was naïve to think it was nothing else but the world through the eyes of a child drawn to life. Then the screen changed dramatically. I can still hear the scream…make it stop!
So yeah, let it be known that I HATE scare jumps. Whoever invented the cruel hoax of dressing up simple-minded Internet activities for the purpose of scaring the living sh*t out of people – those are the kind of people Taylor Swift needs to condemn special places in Hell for, not Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
Internet scare pranks are the worst. As a Monday Night GIF fight, scare jump reaction GIFs are money. However I can't vouch for the authenticity of the two posted above. I've read that the first one is a fake while the second one is a bit iffy; then again MNGF wasn't created to figure out the legitimacy of every image I come across. It's for fun. All for fun and fun for all. Plus do I need to remind you that this GIF fight is about a man punching a hole through his monitor versus another man throwing a printer through the window to escape from the terror? Vote away!
Last word: Two items I want to state:
1. I was scheduled for an appearance in the Fact or Fiction wrestle column and appear I did. The reaction was…reasonably civil. As you know, the Movies/TV 3Rs column (and as a whole, a part of my writing style) is structured twofold: to give you my opinions on the latest in pop culture entertainment (occasionally presented with a course of videos, images, comedy, etc.) and to make you laugh. You may like it, you may not like it. One blurb/joke could be the greatest thing you've ever read; the next one could leave you with trigger fingers just waiting to pound on that keyboard and spread your disgust for a portion of the world to read. That's the nature of the game. You take the good, you take the bad, put it together and there you have the Internet.
Sometimes it goes horribly wrong and results in lots of smarmy backtalk in the comment section i.e. when I participated in Steve Cook's FoF last week. Apparently the same author's touch I display here does not translate well over in the wrestling zone. Caulk it up to a vast difference in readership, one I failed to heed prior to submitting my answers. Or it could be that they didn't find any redeeming factors in my responses and that I'm horrible and should be banished from online publication forever…nah, can't be it.
2. Video game remake of Ducktales, natch. Woo-hoo!