Movies/TV's 3R’s 05.07.13: Iron Man 3, Mark Hamill, Avengers 2, Miley Cyrus, More
Posted by Porfirio Diaz on 05.07.2013
From Iron Man 3’s big opening weekend and Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver confirmed for Avengers 2 to Mark Hamill’s statement about Star Wars: Episode VII and more, 411's Porfirio Diaz breaks down the Right, wRong, and Ridiculous from the week in Movies/TV!
Welcome to of The 3 R's for the Movie/TV world.
Happy 200th Anniversary, Movies/TV 3R's. First off, a little backstory: this column was produced by Shawn S. Lealos on June 30th, 2009 and has continued to be a Monday night fixture in 411mania's television and movie zone ever since. Lealos was here for 82 of those weeks before stepping down and handing his entire world over to me on January 2011. Amazing how much my skill as a writer has evolved since those early days. *cough*
Number 200 is a pretty big deal – Did you not notice the flashing text?! – so this week we're going to (well, I'm going to anyway) change it up a bit and go completely retro in honor of this special occasion. I'm going back to the past so I could bring the past back here to you. This week's special Movies/TV 3R's column is going old school. Because what better way to celebrate 200 weeks of existence than to go back to ancient history and copy everything about it during that time.
Now without any further ado, here is...
THIS WEEK'S RELEASES:
(Click on posters for more information)
Iron Man 3 has 175 million reasons to be thankful: Let's not pretend we didn't see it coming. We all saw it coming. The only thing worth tracking was whether Iron Man 3 could beat The Avengers' $207.4 million domestic opening from last summer. Didn't quite get there, measly settling for a $175.3 million weekend opening. I bet the Marvel guys are wallowing in their yachts of sadness right now, using $100 dollar bills as Kleenex to dry their salty tears. So that's the box office side of the news. As for the actual film, holy sh*t you guys. It was the best version of the three. I originally had it ranked below the first one, but after thinking about it for the next two days, I came to a conclusion: Iron Man 3 BEST IRON MAN EVAR! While The Avengers is obviously better, Iron Man 3 is just too gnarly not to rank it as the best of the Iron Man trilogy. Selfishly, I hope this isn't Robert Downey's swansong. No one can replace the charm, the snark, the embodiment Downey brings into his role as billionaire playboy genius Tony Stark. The difference between Iron Man the Actor and Iron Man the Character are imperceptible at this point. To replace him with another would be affront to, well, everything. (Unless his non-union Mexican equivalent is right there ready and waiting. In that case, I hope you're prepared for Iron Mang.) Luckily Downey told Jon Stewart that he's "gonna renegotiate" his contract for more Iron Man films. And like that, frowns from across the land immediately turn upside down.
Here is the premiere date for season three of Wilfred: Wilfred is a very weird show, but also very excellent. Elijah Woods plays Ryan, a depressed fellow who tried to commit suicide before meeting his soulmate, a surly alcoholic pot-smoking man in a dog suit known as Wilford. To everyone else Wilfred is your typical seven-year-old pup. To Ryan, Wilfred is the Hobbes to his Calvin, if Calvin and Hobbes were thought up by Donnie Darko. As far as dark comedies go, Wilfred ranks up there as one of the best, and I'm glad the program is getting the success it so richly deserves. The third season will premiere on June 20th. Sit still until then. Good boy.
Mark Hamill hopes Star Wars: Episode VII doesn't have too much CGI as every other Star Wars fan nods in agreement: Mark Hamill made a surprise appearance in Entertainment Weekly's CapeTown Film Festival this past weekend. On top of his impromptu arrival at two screenings of Return of the Jedi, he had loads to say about the direction Star Wars: Episode VII and the films beyond should take. He thinks that "there's nothing wrong with CGI, but I think you have to have a balance…" *swoon* If you couldn't tell, that was the sound of millions of Star War fans swooning in union. Basically this boils down to "less CGI, more storytelling!" If Disney is willing to take on this strange method of moviemaking, then Star Wars: Episode VII could be the movie event worth waiting for come summer of 2015.
Marvel takes back movie rights of Ghost Rider, Blade, and Punisher: Marvel Studios president Kevin Feign addressed a number of updates in the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly. One of the more attention-grabbing headlines was the drop that Marvel has reacquired the movie rights for the Punisher, Blade, and Ghost Rider. Feige made it a point that he's in no hurry to make solo projects for these characters. Still, if you include Daredevil into the mix – whose movie rights had also returned to them recently – then the future of the Cinematic Universe suddenly looks a lot brighter than ever before. Boosh.
Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver confirmed for the future box office bonanza known as Avengers 2: Joss Whedon hinted at it. Entertainment Weekly confirmed it – the twin characters Quicksilver and Scarlett Witch will be joining The Avengers 2. Well played, Marvel. Now let us hold hands and hyperventilate into paper bags together.
Good news Office fans: Steve Carell IS returning for series finale: "Steve Carell is not coming back for The Office series finale" is what circulated around the Internet for the better part of the previous week, and I was ready to give out the biggest dismissive wank ever because of it. "What do you mean Michael Scott is not going to appear in the last episode of The Office?" I would say to no one in particular. Thankfully it turned out to be a false alarm. According to TV Line, Steve Carell will reappear as everyone's favorite boss Michael Scott in next week's finale and the world is better for it. Ha-Ha! Final episode stunt-casting!
Maxim thinks Miley Cyrus is the hottest women in the world: Uh...nope! Nope, nope, nope. I can handle People naming Gwyneth Paltrow as the Most Beautiful Woman. But Miley Cyrus? Her? Was Kate Upton taken back to her home planet? Did someone hire Billy Ray Cyrus to be the new editor? Pff…Maxim is just in the business of trolling everyone now, somehow forcing you to listen to her version of Smells Like Teen Spirit while doing so. Ah well, at least we'll always have the video clip of her twerking in a unicorn onesie for two minutes.
Bradley Cooper Luke Evans is the new Crow: The Crow remake is one of the lamer ideas to come out of the Southern California area. It would've been less lame if Channing Tatum was picked to play the lead role as it was once rumored. That would have gotten people (i.e. me) mildly half excited. Hollywood extinguished those flames out pretty quickly and instead settled for Bradley Cooper as the new Crow…that is, if it was true. The people in Tinseltown can be such kidders. Nope, the title of Crow is going to Welsh actor Luke Evans, and I still don't care because this is so dumb.
Katherine Heigi and Clive Owen cast in Survivor basically guaranteed you won't be watching Survivor: Actually that's not entirely true. Clive Owen is good people and deserves better. A lot better. Still, don't watch Survivor. Because Katherine Heigi.
TLC announces return of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: This is what you can look forward to when the reality series returns on July 17: "This summer, get ready to watch the family take part in hijinks like butter rolling, tap dancing lessons and wrestling events." No TLC, I do not what to know what hijinks can be found in butter rolling.
Reese Witherspoon in Reese Witherspoon's Arrest Video is her best performance yet: Well, at least better than Legally Blonde 2. She even busted out her expert knowledge on law that she learned on the set:
Reese: "Do you know my name sir?"
Officer: "Don't need to know."
Reese "You don't NEED to know my name?"
Officer: "Not quite yet."
Reese: "YOU'RE ABOUT TO FIND OUT WHO I AM!"
Funny enough we all did. The end.
The Hangover director has a lovely stalker friend: TMZ reports that one-night stander Juliana Shiao has been ordered to stay away from one-night standee Todd Phillips, director of The Hangover films, for 10 years. This is in part due to her aggressive stalking tactics, in which she stalked Phillips all over the place, culminating in her arrest outside of Phillips' home last January. This story is just one of many reasons why you should not engage or participate in one-night stands. Peeps be crazy, yo.
Farrah Abraham's sex tape has a freakin' trailer: You may have already known that Farrah Abraham, one of the stars of MTV's Teen Mom (ugh), was lavished with an estimated $1.5 million (Ugh) for her "private" sex tape (UGH) with co-star James Deen. You may have already known that Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom has a porno promo clip waiting for your innocent eyes at the Vivid website. (Fat chance I'm posting it here, but if you're feeling curiously masochistic, then hop on over to Gawker [NSFW!!] for the scoop.) What you may not know is that all of this is stupid. Dumb and stupid. Stupidly dumb. Oh wait, you did know. Well I'm glad we had this talk.