The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 10.28.13 Issue #279: Hatchet III (2013)
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 10.28.2013
In this issue The 6th Annual October Slasher Movie Celebration concludes with a look at the 2013 slasher sequel Hatchet III, plus a new batch of Things to Watch Out For This Week, a Big Question, a small tribute to Hal Needham, a new B-Movie Babe is named, a new Douchebag of the Week is crowned, and more. Check it out.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #279: Hatchet III (2013)
The 6th Annual The Gratuitous B-Movie Column October Slasher Movie Celebration: Week 5
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that thinks anyone who hands out toothbrushes for Halloween needs a stern talking to by some sort of authority, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number two hundred and seventy-nine, The 6th Annual The Gratuitous B-Movie Column October Slasher Movie Celebration concludes with a look at the uber gory slasher flick from 2013, Hatchet III, starring Danielle Harris, Zach Galligan, Caroline Williams, and the great Kane Hodder.
Hatchet III (2013)
Hatchet III, directed by BJ McDonnell, isn't as fun as the first two Hatchet movies, which is a damn shame because, as gory and nasty as they are, the first two Hatchet flicks are fun. It's also allegedly the last Hatchet movie, but I seriously doubt that franchise creator Adam Green's monster killer Victor Crowley is done ripping people apart, certainly not with the ending that's on display in part three.
Hatchet III picks up right where Hatchet II ended, with Marybeth (the returning Danielle Harris) gunning down Victory Crowley (once again Kane Hodder). After killing the monster and basically destroying him (Crowley falls on top of a giant chainsaw and is cut to pieces), Marybeth walks out of the woods, dragging Crowley's guts behind her. She arrives at the local sheriff's station, where the sheriff, a guy named Fowler (Zach Galligan) immediately arrests her. Sheriff Fowler doesn't believe Marybeth's story of killing Victor Crowley, as Crowley is considered nothing more than a nasty urban legend. However, Fowler's ex-wife Amanda (Caroline Williams) is a believer and claims to know how to rid the world of Victor Crowley once and for all. She's going to need Marybeth's help. Marybeth doesn't take much stock in Amanda's claims as she's sure that Crowley is now dead (she shot him in the head at point blank range with a shotgun and then the guy fell on top of a gigantic chainsaw. How the hell could he still be alive?).
Now, while all of that is going on, the local authorities search the woods for evidence of Marybeth's crimes. What they actually find, though, is piles of dead bodies and assorted bloody body parts. They also find Crowley's gory remains. During an attempted autopsy on the monster's remains (Sean Whalen does a great job in this extended cameo as Randy the medical examiner) Crowley springs back to life and starts killing again. The monster destroys just about everyone and everything in his path and goes back into the swamp.
So then some stuff happens, Marybeth gets out of jail and hooks up with Amanda's plan to destroy Crowley and Sheriff Fowler puts together a heavily armed posse to go into the woods and find the monster (a state police SWAT team is brought in, too, headed by Derek Mears as team leader Tyler Hawes). Now, it's at this point that the movie takes a nosedive into tediousness, as neither plotline really works out all that well. The Marybeth-Amanda team-up does lead to a funny cameo by the great Sid Haig, but the revelations that cameo brings aren't half as interesting as the movie would like to us to believe. As for the posse search, it's just a series of gory dismemberment scenes followed by more of the same. While it is fun, in a horror movie nerd kind of way, to see several practical special effects death scenes all in a row, it all becomes just too much after a while. You can only see a person's head pulled off so many times before it becomes lame.
Director McDonnell, in his debut as a full on movie director, does an okay job but lacks the goofy eye of Adam Green, who directed the first two Hatchet movies. McDonnell takes the Hatchet world far too seriously and, as a result, the movie suffers for it. Galligan's speech in the jail, where he comments on the recap story of the first two movies isn't funny, eventhough we get to see Green, once again playing a drunken partygoer, in the cell next to Marybeth reacting with surprise and disgust at his slasher movie franchise being trashed. It's just a weird moment that feels out of place. The return of Parry Shen playing a new character should also be a funny moment but it comes off as something you're supposed to notice, maybe chuckle about, and then forget.
And then there's Zach Galligan, who is horribly miscast as the sheriff. If he had been the dumbass deputy with the rocket launcher and Mears was the sheriff, okay, but Galligan just doesn't come off as a guy people are going to respect.
Outside of Galligan, the rest of the cast does a decent job. Harris is great as Marybeth. She's essentially along for the ride here, as Caroline Williams is the one that drives the story, but Harris is memorable anyway. Williams does a good job right up to the end of the movie, when she suffers through an incredibly gross special effect. The stand out performance of the movie belongs to Robert Diago DoQui as Deputy Winslow. He's funny, charismatic, and he's the only character you root for besides Marybeth and Hawes.
Hodder is, sadly, only okay as Crowley. He's intimidating and knows how to strike the right killer pose, but because the Crowley character has been reduced to nothing more than a roaring rabid shark it's amazing that he even agreed to play the character again. McDonnell could have picked any big actor/stuntman to play the part and we would have likely seen the same performance. And that's the movie's second biggest problem; Victor Crowley just isn't interesting anymore. You know that anyone and everyone that comes in contact with him are going to be destroyed and that's it. And under McDonnell's direction, again, Crowley is just a tedious character with no personality. There's just no fun to be had here.
I mean, there's a big call back to the end of the first movie, and just like the "Adam Green in jail" scene it isn't a special moment at all. It's just a thing that happens and that's all. It should be much more than that. Much more.
And that's Hatchet III in a nutshell. It needs to be more than it is in order to be successful. As it stands now, it's just an okay slasher movie with too many gory death scenes. It's worth seeing once, but I doubt many of us are going to be watching it again at a later date. I know I won't. I will watch the next Hatchet, though, whenever Adam Green and company get around to making it. Because there will be a Hatchet 4 eventually. There has to be. I just don't see how they can not do one.
So, yeah, check out Hatchet III, but don't bust your balls trying to do it. It's worth seeing it, but it isn't exactly a must see, if you know what I mean.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: If it's less than 25 I'd be shocked.
Explosions: A few. That's what happens when you someone uses a rocket launcher.
Nudity?: None that I remember.
Doobage: The ending of part 2, bloody human remains, attempted face removal, body cut in half by gigantic chainsaw, brains, a scalp, a sexy hose down, mega barfing, a cop with an eye patch, bloody body removal, a hairnet, a facial surgery mask, defibulator paddles to the head with exploding head, a head that is split right down the middle with brain exposure, bloody arm removal, face smashing, SWAT team hooey, a spooky owl, hanging testicles, a Predator jungle destruction homage, knife to the back, hook to the back, machine gun attack, body mashing, a five guy attack, gorilla press slam into a body ripped in half, face stomping, multiple big body slices, a nasty skull and spine removal, rocket launcher attack, flaming pile of metal to the back, double arm removal, a call back to the first movie, gator attack, metal grinder attack, metal door destruction, an off screen decapitation with nifty blood spray and gross neck stump, more total body destruction, severed head to the head, sharp branch through the back, a wonderful full body melt, exploding body, and an inconclusive ending.
Kim Richards?: None.
Gratuitous: Hatchet II ending, Danielle Harris, gory nastiness, Zach Galligan, Zach Galligan as a sheriff, Adam Green in jail, Caroline Williams, Sean Whalen, Parry Shen, a floating autopsy room, Derek Mears, a spooky owl, hanging testicles, spine and skull removal, rocket launcher attack, Sid Haig, homophobia, multiple decapitations, severed head to the head, a wonderful full body melt, exploding body, and an inconclusive ending.
Best lines: "I killed him. I killed him," "Are you trying to tell me that none of that blood is hers?," "We all know who Crowley is. We also know what reality is," "Be a man. Have a Twinkie," "What the fuck do you want with me?," "No offense, but fuck you! I want a fucking lawyer, not a fucking blogger!," "My father is dead. Victor Crowley killed him," "How the hell do you deal with that smell?," "What have you got in there, a nuclear warhead?," "What is in Ozona? Thomas Crowley," "I'm just making small talk, Sheriff. I don't want to hear about your divorce. No offense," "No way one person did all of this," "Fuck this shit! Your ego is putting all of us in danger!," "Good job fucktards!," "Sorry, Rick! Eat this motherfucker!," "I've only got a minute. Got a lot of irons in the fire," "Faggot? I ain't no faggot!," "I'm a veteran! I went all the way to Korea!," "See? Fuck that guy!," "Where the fuck did he get a grinder?," "Get out of my face bitch!," Daddy," and "Here's Daddy motherfucker!"
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!
Please check out The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which can be seen here. There's not much there at the moment, but, as time goes by, expect to see daily questions and musings and other B-movie hooey. And it would be cool if you "liked" it, too.
And please check out my interview with director Brett A. Hart about the Ain't It Cool internet show and more!
Hal Needham 1931-2013 RIP
Hal Needham is a true B-movie legend. From his groundbreaking (not to mention back breaking) work as a TV and later a movie stuntman to his career as a movie director, just about everything he touched kicked ass and changed the way Hollywood made movies. Smokey & the Bandit, his first effort as a director, is a classic action comedy that still holds up today. He followed Bandit up with Hooper, Stroker Ace (one of the best racing movies of all time), Smokey & the Bandit Part II, and the two Cannonball Run movies (Needham himself competed in the first real "Cannonball Run" with the legendary Brock Yates). Needham also directed the classic wrestling comedy Body Slam with Dirk Benedict and Roddy Piper (how that movie isn't more popular I'll never know) and directed the TV movie series based on the original Bandit movies (I believe you can get a Bandit boxed set featuring all of the Bandit movies). Needham's last movie, Hard Time: Hostage Hotel, was a TV movie for TNT, part of a series starring Burt Reynolds, Needham's old pal. In retrospect that's about as fitting as it can get.
If you haven't read Needham's autobiography Stuntman!: My Car-Crashing, Plane-Jumping, Bone-Breaking, Death Defying Hollywood Life, pick up a copy here or find it at your local library. It's a great book chock full of fun stories from Needham's life (I personally love the parts dealing with Needham's time as a car owner in NASCAR).
Hal Needham. Legend. He will be missed.
The Big Question: What do you plan on watching on Halloween?
When it comes to TV watching on Halloween, I watch the same two movies every year; Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers, and The Hollywood Knights, usually in that order. I also tend to watch whatever the heck is on TV. I'm a big fan of seeing what IFC and Sundance Channel have on, as they usually have weird stuff on (or at least stuff that isn't on TV all that often). Of course, this year both channels are wimping out, with Rocky Horror on several times in a row followed by several Saw movies on IFC and something called The Returned on Sundance. I can remember flipping out like a movie nerd when IFC aired Document of the Dead, the documentary by Roy Frumkes about George A. Romero and Dawn of the Dead. IFC doesn't seem to be in that business anymore. I'm actually shocked that the channel isn't doing a Malcolm in the Middle marathon.
AMC's Fear Fest will be featuring movies from the Halloween franchise, specifically 1-6. I'll probably check those out at various parts of the day, although I doubt I'll want to watch part 6 twice in one day. I could have sworn that yesterday, as part of its zombie movie marathon before The Walking Dead the channel had a picture of Bub from Day of the Dead as part of a bumper for Return of the Living Dead. Why is that kind of thing allowed? Shouldn't someone be fired for that?
Fearnet will have Trick 'r Treat all day, something the channel has done in the past. The old Sci Fi Channel will have several A Nightmare on Elm Street sequels, Freddy vs. Jason, and Halloween 7 (what happened to that "live" ghost hunting bullshit?). Turner Classics will do its usual awesome job of showing classic horror flicks like Horror Castle, Castle of the Living Dead, and The Haunted Palace (I believe TCM will also have several Christopher Lee/Dracula movies on Thursday). None of the premium cable channels seem to be in the mood for celebrating Halloween. I believe Cinemax has Child's Play on Thursday night and that's about it. What the heck is the deal with that? Isn't that programming laziness?
So what do you guys plan on watching on Halloween? Anything a personal tradition? Or are you all too cool to watch stuff on Halloween?
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Theme of the Week
Things to Watch Out For This Week
- R.I.P.D.: This big budget action/horror/comedy is considered one of the biggest bombs of the 2013 summer movie season, which is a shame because it didn't look that bad. I didn't get a chance to see it on the big screen, but now that it's going to be out on DVD maybe it will find an audience and become one of those "cult" genre movies. That Scott Pilgrim movie bombed and look at how popular that thing is now.
- Scream Factory All Night Horror Marathon Vol. 2: Cellar Dweller, Catacombs, The Dungeonmaster, and Contamination 7: The fine folks at Shout! Factory/Scream Factory are really cranking out some fine DVDs. This "marathon" compilation of old Empire Pictures flicks and a movie that was known at one time as Creepers (that would be Contamination 7) doesn't feature any special features, but maybe, if this compilation is a big seller, Scream Factory will produce special edition releases of all four flicks in the future. I think the world would love to have a Cellar Dweller special edition DVD. I know I would.
- All Hallow's Eve: This, apparently, is some sort of anthology type deal featuring three interlocked stories and a killer clown, or something like that (that's what imdb has for the movie's plot). I like the trailer, and that DVD cover is pretty goddamn freaky. I mean, what the heck would you do if you saw that clown coming at you? #1 and #2, right?
- Bounty Killer: This low budget sort of post apocalypse action flick did receive a small theatrical release a few months ago, so there's a chance you may have already seen it. The reviews haven't been great, but then what the hell do those people know? I like the trailer and I like the premise. Easily worth a rental.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Babe of the Week: Danielle Harris
And now, some cool Halloween music to groove to
Well, you know, if grooving to music is your thing. Enjoy.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week
This week, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week goes to Jay Z, for his recent public statement regarding his lack of an immediate statement after two reported cases of alleged racial profiling at a Barney's clothing store in New York City, a store that Jay Z has partnered with for some kind of charity thing. Had Jay Z simply said something along the lines of "I abhor profiling and am waiting for all of the facts before moving forward" and left it at that he probably would have been fine. There's certainly nothing wrong with "waiting for all of the facts to come out," especially when you have no intention of backing out of the deal since it's all for charity. But turning the whole episode into a whinefest about "being demonized in the press" is just nonsense and makes him come off as looking tone deaf. And why the hell weren't his people all over this story the second he was implicated in it? Why weren't his people all over TV saying that this collaboration was all for charity?
Very poorly done, Jay Z. Very poorly done.
And then there's Brent Bozell, president of the Media Research Center, for claiming that there are "too many gay characters on TV." As the fine folks at Media Matters for America show, Brent thinks there are too many gay characters on TV, that Hollywood, in conjunction with the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), is pushing a "gay agenda," that "children are being indoctrinated into the gay agenda," and that there aren't enough media depictions of gay people being scolded for being gay. First off, what the fuck is "the gay agenda?" We keep hearing about this "agenda," this apparently massive conspiracy to destroy society, civilization, etc., but we're never told precisely what it is gay people are doing to make this social destruction a reality outside of "infiltration." Secondly, how are children being indoctrinated? In the "government schools?" And finally, why does Brent Bozell want to watch gay people humiliated on TV by religious fanatics? If he really has a hankering for that kind of thing, maybe he needs to talk to fellow ultra right wing lunatic Kirk Cameron and get him to put a scene like that in his next "Christian" movie. I'm sure Kirk would do it "for the cause."
And finally there's Universal HD, for removing T.J. Hooker reruns and replacing them with reruns of Monk. While I have nothing against Monk, that show is on several channels already (Cloo, Ion, and the My Network to name just a few), whereas Hooker was only on Universal HD. And now William Shatner's other classic TV character is nowhere to be found. Charlie's Angels reruns are gone, too. Does the world really need Monk on multiple channels simultaneously? Am I missing something here?
NASCAR and Indycar thoughts
It took all season long, but four time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon finally won a race yesterday at Martinsville, holding off Matt Kenseth for the big time victory. The race win puts Gordon 27 points behind both Kenseth and Jimmie Johnson, who are tied for the points lead with three races left to go. I was surprised at how strong Kenseth was throughout the race, as he's never been all that great at Martinsville. I was also surprised that Jimmie Johnson didn't push people out of the way at the end, as he's good at doing that kind of thing at Martinsville. Gordon sure was aggressive.
What the heck was the deal with all of the cautions? I know that Martinsville can be rough on bumpers and fenders and that turn 4 is dangerous when it comes to passing, but why were there so many spin outs everywhere else on the track? Was there a tire issue? I seem to remember one of the ESPN announcers saying that the tires only lasted around 30 laps before going away. When the heck did Martinsville become so abrasive?
Juan Pablo Montoya had an annoying day. He was up front for most of the day, but then he got a lap down after a botched pit call. He managed to get back on the lead lap and was back up front towards the end again, but then he faded and ended up 13th. Clint Bowyer had an annoying day, too, as it looked like he might be in line for a win but he could only manage a third place finish. And Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is probably going to end the year without a win. Once again the guy just doesn't have it in him to challenge for a win.
Greg Biffle's "conversation" with Jimmie Johnson after the race was hilarious. It wasn't as funny as Kevin Harvick's interview on Saturday after the Truck race, but it was good stuff. And speaking of Kevin Harvick, it was sad to see him completely wimp out the next day and apologize to his car owner Richard Childress and Ty Dillon. Harvick didn't say anything out of line and Childress should have just let it slide. Harvick is running for the Sprint Cup title and that's more important than his punk grandkids' feelings.
Texas is up next for all three NASCAR's major touring series. The Camping World Truck Series races on Friday night (will Darrell Wallace win two in a row?), the Nationwide Series races on Saturday, and Sprint Cup races on Sunday. In fact, all three series will be racing for the next three weeks (after Texas is Phoenix and then Homestead).
Congrats to Darrell Wallace for his first career Camping World Truck Series win. He's only the second black driver to win a major NASCAR race, making his achievement both history making and kind of sad. Why did it take fifty years for another black driver to win a major NASCAR race?
Over in Indycar, there's very little going on at the moment. I'd imagine everyone is in the midst of some down time before getting ready for the 2014 season. Justin Wilson is certainly in the middle of some down time, although not the kind of down time he expected (he left the hospital last week after suffering a broken pelvis during the last race at California). And I'd imagine that several teams are looking into finalizing their sponsorship deals for 2014, although you'd think most teams would have that kind of thing all set by now. Hopefully the series will have enough cars to fill the grid at St. Pete at the end of March.
The 2014 schedule isn't as promising as the series would like you to believe. All 18 races will be contested over five months, with the last race scheduled for Labor Day weekend in California. The series claims that it doesn't want to "compete" with the NFL, and that it's best for everyone if the season ends before the full football season gets underway. But then there are constant rumors that after the season finale in California there will be several non-points paying international events like in Australia and, maybe, in Europe somewhere. As Racer Magazine's Robin Miller has said several times, these international events are all about the series collecting a massive sanctioning fee, so it makes financial sense to seek these kinds of events out. But how long can the "non-points paying" thing last? Won't those venues want full on events that matter towards the season championship at some point? And if there are so many potential international markets to run in, why not just make them a part of the regular schedule?
The thing that irks me about these possible international events is that they will likely be street races, and the series really doesn't really need more of that kind of thing. I would like to see the series go back to that Rockingham oval in the UK, which I believe still exists. I know that won't happen, but I would still like to see it happen.
Brazil isn't part of the schedule in 2014, which is pretty shocking since the series is so popular in Brazil. The Brazil event will probably be back on the schedule in 2015. Everyone is allegedly excited by the road course event at Indy. Don't be surprised if the series tries to make everyone believe that it's going to be an amazing event. Even with the proposed renovations for the course I doubt the race will be anything more than a high speed parade. And I'm shocked that the owners haven't threatened to boycott the series for staging two oval events at the end of the season (Milwaukee will be in August instead of June in 2014). I bet that won't happen in 2015.
2014 will probably be the last year the series races at Texas, as track president Eddie Gossage has said that he will not welcome the series back to his track if it tries to have an event at the Circuit of the Americas road course. I don't quite understand why California can handle three race weekends but Texas cannot, but then the series has been looking to get out of Texas for a long time, even before Dan Wheldon died at Las Vegas. High speed oval racing just isn't their thing. And while CotA is a beautiful looking track, the actual racing on that track has been horrendous. The F-1 race last year was a bore, and the V8 Supercar events earlier this year were just terrible. But why should the on track action matter?
I'll admit that it will be nice to not have so many gaps in the season, but, in an overall sense, I think this schedule is a disgrace. And it's only going to get worse in 2015. Is anyone out there ready for more street racing?
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.
If there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
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Danielle Harris- Marybeth Kane Hodder- Victor Crowley Zach Galligan- Sheriff Fowler Caroline Williams- Amanda Parry Shen- Andrew Robert Diago DoQui- Deputy Winslow Derek Mears- Tyler Hawes Cody Blue Snider- Schneiderman Rileah Vanderbilt- Dougherty Sean Whalen- Randy Sid Haig- Abbott McMullen