A Bloody Good Time 12.05.13: The 10 Worst Horror Films You've Never Seen
Posted by Joseph Lee on 12.05.2013
Consider this a public service announcement. Do not seek these movies out. You'll regret it.
Opening Logo courtesy of Benjamin J. Colón (Soul Exodus)
Welcome to A Bloody Good Time.
This week's title is a bit of a hyperbole, as I didn't think "ten random horror films that are really bad" was quite as catchy. Nevertheless, these are ten of the worst horror movies I've ever seen and they're also likely to be movies a large portion of you haven't seen or even heard of. Just because they're not as infamous as a House of the Dead or a One Missed Call remake doesn't mean they're any less bad.
Don't have much else in the way of intro here. Most of these movies I caught on Netflix or in my local video stores back in the day. Sometimes it had some really cool box art that tricked me. Sometimes I was just intrigued by the people involved. Either way, not a single one of these movies I would ever want to suffer through again.
#10: Voodoo (1995)
Outside of something like White Zombie or Child's Play (even Venom was surprisingly decent), voodoo horror rarely works. I'm not sure why, it has all the tools to be something scary, but for some reason no one ever knows how to properly execute it. I think maybe because it requires a little more suspension of disbelief when someone is under a voodoo curse than if they're getting their head cut off by Jason or a ghost is destroying the home around them. I've never really seen a really good movie that focuses on straight-up voodoo.
This film was probably the first I saw from the genre and it set the stage for more terrible films down the road. It stars Corey Feldman when he was in his 20s, and this was not long after his drug use as he was trying to get his career back on track (nothing to do with this movie, I just wanted to point out that's not the reason it's bad). There's nothing wrong with Feldman in this movie, it's just the script is exceedingly dull. This is the case with a lot of voodoo movies, but this one in particular just had nothing exciting in it. It's like a bad version of The Skulls (which wasn't that good to begin with) combined with voodoo. It's not the worst thing Feldman has been involved with, but it's definitely up there.
#9: Jigsaw (2002)
This is a straight-to-video movie, which doesn't do it any favors. The fact that it's Full Moon should have meant that it would at least be cheesy fun, but it's not. It's just really, really dumb. Full Moon knows how to do low-budget B-movies, so why this one missed the mark so often is confusing as to why. The film follows a group of students on an art class assignment. They take a body part, decorate it and put them all together for the "Jigsaw" project. Then, for some reason, the monster comes to life and begins killing them. I haven't seen this movie in ten years but I don't remember it ever explaining why.
The idea isn't even that good without a proper explanation. A Frankensteinian dummy just comes to life and that's the kind of slasher we have. There are some really obvious kills (students are killed with their chosen decorated body part) and really dumb characters. The characters in general are quite bad, as was the case with many slashers that are out. They're just cannon fodder, but in this case the killer is also pretty dumb so there's not a single thing to root for. It's a lazy slasher movie with bad acting and a worse script.
#8: Tomie (1999)
This movie is not only based off of a Manga, but has spawned an entire franchise in Japan of what I assume are equally bad, confusing and dull horror films. The basic plot is that a girl named Tomie is killed, only to regenerate from her decapitated head. She then begins seducing a bunch of guys and causing them to kill each other. That's Tomie in a nutshell. She can regenerate clones of herself everything something is cut off and she causes guys to kill each other. They made nine films based off this premise. It's not scary and it's certainly not entertaining.
None of the deaths are shown on screen, just referenced after the fact. Tomie herself isn't really all that attractive as the seducer and there's a lot of dull filler that comes out of nowhere. Finally there's a twist at the end that makes absolutely no sense. The fact that she's an immortal succubus with the abilty to spawn clones eventually the entire world will be Tomie. It's an interesting idea, but apparently she'd rather spend her time being a childish brat. I haven't seen any of the sequels and don't plan to.
#7: Meadowoods (2010)
I'm thankful this didn't catch on as an indie horror darling because it's "daring" or "not mainstream" or whatever. Three college students suddenly decide they're going to pick out a random student, kill her and then film it all for a video to be found after they've all died of old age. Their plan is to bury her alive in a box, so she suffers more. This was straight to video and definitely not a studio production. If The Poughekeepsie Tapes can't even get a proper release, there's no way a studio is going to touch this. It's nihilism for the sake of nihilism.
The film is meant to be disturbing because these teens have decided it would be fun to murder, and this has happened in the past. However, the premise and idea of the story are far more frightening than the film ever is. Meadowoods features terrible handheld camera work, even worse acting and a movie that just drags on and on and on with pointless conversations between these immediately unlikable characters about how they're going to kill people. I know that we're not supposed to like them, they're going to murder an innocent person, but I still have to spend time watching them and why would I want to watch such annoying, uninteresting and poorly-acted characters?
#6: Frankenstein's Great Aunt Tillie (1984)
And you thought the Seltzer and Friedberg movies were bad. They are, of course, but at least I can sometimes tell what the jokes are supposed to be. You want to know the worst thing about this movie? Donald Pleasance is in it. That just makes me sad to see him turn up in such a pointless and lame excuse for a horror comedy. Why does this movie even exist? Who read this script and thought it was worth spending money on, let alone funny? There's not a single joke that works, if you can even call them jokes. I'm not even 100% sure what was going on and I watched it. It took two attempts, but I still watched it.
The only thing this film has going for it is June Wilkinson walking around in skimpy outfits. That's not really an advantage of the movie, as you can just see stills of it (or even nude photo shoots) on Google. It still boggles my mind that Pleasance is in this, which is definitely the worst film he's been involved with. Sure, bring up the Halloween 5s if you want, but I'll gladly watch that movie over this any day of the week. At least that movie has Michael Myers.
#5: Oasis of the Zombies (1982)
I've gone back and forth on if the zombies in this or Umberto Lenzi's Nightmare City are the worst looking zombies I've ever seen. It's probably Nightmare City, but this is really, really close. This one was made by Jess Franco, a notorious exploitation filmmaker from the 70s and 80s. This movie is one big bag of false advertisement, as it doesn't have an oasis and it doesn't have many zombies. Of course I could have just picked up one of its alternate titles.
The make-up of grey paint and bug-eyes that you can get on any cheap Family Dollar Halloween mask. The one good zombie effect still looks incredibly fake. The movie fails to show any real gore (at least on my version, but I don't know if there are any more) so the zombies eating people is limited to extras moving their heads back and forth on a given body part with a little fake blood. In addition to that, it's a dubbed movie with really, really bad dubbing. Remember, subtitles are always the way to go.
#4: Blood and Lace
This is a movie that looks like it would be an exploitation movie from its title and trailer, but it's really not. There is zero nudity and very little gore that this particular style of film is known for. It follows an orphaned (but somehow still spoiled) brat who is about to turn 18 and gets sent to an orphan's home after her mother dies. Meanwhile, the person who killed her mother is hunting her and the orphanage is run by a corrupt woman. I'm not sure why a teenager on the verge of being an adult would be sent to an orphanage but let's run with it.
I'm surprised no one's thought to give this a PG-13 remake. I really am. I don't think anyone's going to get upset at this story being redone. It even has the lame Hollywood twist at the end, and another incredibly silly twist just for the sake of ending things on a grim note. It definitely feels like a generic Hollywood thriller that would star whichever actress is somewhat big but still doesn't have the option of turning down a paycheck. Then it would get released later when said actress has hit it big. It's House at the End of the Street, is what I'm trying to say.
#3: Rawhead Rex (1986)
Between this movie and Transmutations, Clive Barker was growing increasingly tired with Hollywood and decided he would adapt his next story himself. That film ended up being Hellraiser. It's easy to see why Rawhead Rex would cause him to give up on letting others adapt his work because it is bad. I've seen clips before. I thought maybe it could be "so bad, it's good", but it's not. It's just bad. On the other hand, Barker should have expected a terrible movie because "Rawhead Rex" is not a good story to begin with.
The actual monster (which was a 9 foot phallus with teeth in the story) looks really stupid. It's absolutely impossible to take it seriously any time it's on screen. The only thing I'll say in support of this film is that the main character, played by David Dukes, and his family feel like real people. I bought them as a family unit and it helped ease the pain a little bit. But that's not enough for a recommendation. In fact, it makes the surrounding events even worse because nothing else about it is as good as Dukes.
#2: Cut (2000)
My entire reason for seeing this movie was "Hey, Molly Ringwald's in a slasher film!". When I'm bored it doesn't take much for me to click on a film on Netflix. There's really not much to be said about Cut. It's a poor attempt at a slasher film that came out in the wake of Scream and like the worst Scream clones, it's a little too heavy on the "wink wink nudge nudge" and as a result becomes nearly unwatchable.
I'm not going to talk very much about this one. It's a generic slasher that can't even get the best parts of slashers accomplished. The cast is unlikable (and mostly poorly acted), the kills are bland, the gore is tame and the plot involves a killer being created by the cinematic "creative process". That's a new one. But hey, if you ever wanted to know how Molly Ringwald would be in a horror film, this is the film for you!
#1: DIEner (Get It?) (2010)
That little "get it" in the title wasn't added by me. That's the title of the movie. To quote Jimmy in Friday the 13th Part IV: "He thinks that's funny. He thinks that's a funny thing he's doing." This was recommended to be by a fan who swore that it was just as hilariously bad as something like Troll 2. I'm sure that's what it wanted to be. I'm sure it thinks it's clever and hip and a wonderful zombie parody but it's not. It's not funny, it's not scary and it's painful to watch.
The film is about some guy who kills people in a diner (or DIEner, if you will) and his victims then turn into zombies. Why? Because shut up and watch the movie, that's why. The movie barely runs at over an hour but it feels like an eternity. The worst thing a movie can be is boring, and the only way a comedy can be boring is if it's not funny. When a comedy isn't funny, what's left? One of the worst zombie movies I've ever seen, but not the worst. No, that comes later.
That's it for me. Leave some comments here on or my Twitter. Next week sees the return of "What If" to ABGT. If you have any scenarios you'd like me to explore, feel free to list them in the comments.
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