The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 1.06.14: Issue #289 - The Taint (2010)
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 01.06.2014
A look at the mega low budget horror flick from 2010 The Taint, a new B-Movie Babe a new Douchebag of the Week and more!
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #289: The Taint (2010)
Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never tried to add raisins to chicken noodle soup because it would be nasty, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number two hundred and eighty-nine, I take a look at the mega low budget horror flick from 2010, The Taint, co-directed by and starring Drew Bolduc.
The Taint (2010)
I had originally planned on reviewing The Taint back in November, but because of VCR issues I was unable to actually watch it until late December. Yes, I could have purchased the flick on DVD from the fine folks at Troma and watched it as soon as it arrived, but I thought it was important to watch the movie on the VHS tape I purchased from the fine folks at Night Force Video back at Scareacon, so I waited until my issue could be remedied. It was the right decision. The Taint is the kind of mega low budget horror movie that belongs on a shelf in the horror section of an old video store, always there for you to see but never rent because it's always out. It's strange, weird, hilarious, and disgusting all at once. It's also a movie that you're probably going to have to watch at least twice, just so you can be sure you get it. I watched it twice, and I'm still not sure I fully understand it.
The movie stars Bolduc as Phil O'Ginny, a young man trapped in a world with a contaminated water supply. The contamination, initiated by a psychotic drug company that wants men to have massive erections and great sex, causes males to go insane and kill women. All women. And when I say "kill women" I mean goddamn kill them. Phil, who hasn't been contaminated when the movie starts, has no idea what's going on until he witnesses the brutal murder of several women. While trying to escape the carnage, he runs into Misandra (Colleen Walsh), a tough as nails woman who knows how to wield a shotgun and kick ass. After dispatching several killer males, Phil teams up with Misandra and they go off into the woods to try to seek shelter.
It's at this point that the movie becomes a series of character flashbacks that show us the world before the contamination and the events that lead up to it. They're all fairly disturbing, although I think you'll laugh during the flashback concerning the creation of the contamination. It's absolutely ridiculous (the research lab looks like someone's garage. I mean, they're using banquet tables as their desks) and grows more and more disturbing as we find out what the whole point of the contamination is in the first place. The scenes involving Phil's high school gym teacher (I believe the teacher's name is Ludas but I could be wrong about that) are also quite amusing, especially when the teacher's gang of miscreants out in the woods start talking about how much they love gang rape. Tasteless? You bet. But it's still funny.
Easily the most disturbing of the flashback sequence is Misandra's, the first flashback in the movie. We see Misandra's boyfriend become contaminated and freak out, and then we see Misandra have to destroy him because he's suddenly become incredibly dangerous. She smashes his face in and exposes his brain. The effects here, as in most of the movie, are both cheap as hell looking yet strangely "realistic." I don't think I've ever been more mesmerized by an exposed brain in a movie.
You'll notice after about half an hour that the movie makers are clearly making some sort of artistic and social statement, although it doesn't appear that they're commenting on one thing. Violence against women is an obvious discussion topic, as is "the drug companies are run by nerds who want to have giant dicks so hot women will have sex with them," but I think there's also a discussion going on about the overall pointlessness of life in general. The movie seems to be saying that this pointlessness isn't necessarily something that just happens or is preordained but is instead something humanity will willfully do to itself. If you think about the scene where, even after finding out what is likely to happen with the penis enlarger drug the drug company goes ahead with creating it anyway, you want to weep for the world. Just how stupid can people, especially men, be?
The movie is also full of massively erect penises, which I suspect is in the movie to make the males in the audience squirm. How often, outside of pornography, do people see that kind of thing in a movie? And how often is that seen as a symbol of the end of the world? I was surprised, though, that the contamination wasn't something that gradually caused insanity instead of something that, once it starts working starts working at full speed. Why isn't there a scene in the movie where a woman is ripped in half in the middle of having sex because of her partner's gigantic erection? I'd imagine that would happen in a bigger budget remake. It would seem like something necessary to the plot.
The acting is generally decent throughout. Bolduc is okay as Phil, but he has more of a presence as Drew, one of the nerds responsible for creating the contamination in the first place. At times it's like he's parodying Jon Heder in Napoleon Dynamite (it's the wig). Colleen Walsh doesn't have much to do after her flashback scene, but her Misandra is a great character anyway and you immediately glom on to her as soon as you see what she went through with her boyfriend. The weirdest performance, though, goes to Cody Crenshaw as Houdini, the masked man with the chopped up face. You'll question why he's in the movie at all as soon as you see him in his full costume but he more than earns his place in the movie. Brilliant stuff.
The camera work is decent, too. The movie is rough around the edges at times, and the sound is a little iffy in some scenes, but then you have to expect that in a mega low budget movie. You can hear the majority of the movie, and that's always a plus. The special effects are exquisitely good, both the copious bloody practical effects and the few CGI effects (the plane that crashes into the building is probably the best looking effect in the whole movie. It's also something you don't expect to see). My only real issue with the movie is that, even at barely 75 minutes it still feels too long. I have no idea what to remove from the movie, but at the same time it feels as though it could easily lose ten minutes and still work.
The Taint isn't for everyone, but I still think, if you're up for watching a strange as all hooha low budget horror flick you should seek it out and give it a shot. It's worth 75 minutes of your time. J
See The Taint. See it, see it, see it.
So what do we have here?
Dead bodies: Lots. Thousands, maybe even millions if you consider the massive contamination depicted.
Explosions: One. Several more if you count the exploding penises.
Doobage: Female breasts, a severed penis, a decapitated head, a man shitting while running, stock footage of running river water, serious barfing, public urination, multiple scenes of ejaculation, shotgun blast to the head, bouncing breasts in slow motion, an obvious mannequin thrown over the side of a bridge, fake leg removal, head put through an exposed metal pipe, head smashing, people running through a serene field in slow motion, making out, mild homophobia, exploding squirrels, fish head removal, a funny "Need Cock?" newspaper ad, more head smashing, an exposed brain, a shotgun massacre, even more head smashing, head crushing, a big rock, underwear smelling, a black and white dream featuring ejaculation on the face, fisting talk, a training montage, cheap animation about product testing on animals, horse lamp destruction, some very poor on screen fighting, bloody face removal, a very old calculator, hand touching, a very low budget science lab, talk of cock sucking, liquid removal from testicles, a hilarious propaganda movie about the Nazis coming for your cock, on screen gut removal, syringe stabbing, a head smashed in by car door, a low budget CGI plane crash, more bloody face removal, a duct tape face mask, gun play, skateboarding, excuse letter stomping, an at home abortion, metal coat hanger washing, a condom on a coat hanger, penis through the face, massive ejaculation, exploding dick, destruction of multiple penises, head sawed down the middle, a woman is whipped to death, and a surreal ending.
Kim Richards?: None.
Gratuitous:Breasts, stock footage of running river water, public urination, an obvious dummy thrown over the side of a bridge, multiple scenes of graphic murder, an exposed brain, cheap animation about product testing on animals, bloody face removal, a very old calculator, multiple erect penises, multiple scenes of ejaculation, multiple head smashings, a duct tape face mask, a "drug free school zone" sign, an at home metal coat hanger abortion, penis through the face, penis shooting, a head sawed down the middle, and a surreal ending.
Best lines: "You killed him? Shut up," "Who are you? Who was that large cocked man?," "I am so fucking thirsty!," "Fuck! I am so fucked!," "Hey, Anderson, take your shirt off!," "You are a limp dick, pathetic husk of a man," "About time, bitch," "Look! A girl! Let's gang rape her!," "Gang rape is not a joke. We take it very seriously," "You know what you are, man? A cock blocker," "Shirts and skins, boys! Ahhh! Shirts and skins!," "This is my friend's parents' basement!," "Oh, this is a gel pen? Yeah. Gel pens are great!," "So you say all of this stuff is going to help me grow a bigger johnson?," "What kind of loser doesn't have metal coat hangers?," "Ewww. Sick," "Where did the condom go?," and "How did you become such a cool and amazing woman?"
Please check out The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which can be seen here. There's not much there at the moment, but, as time goes by, expect to see daily questions and musings and other B-movie hooey. And it would be cool if you "liked" it, too.
And please check out my interview with director Brett A. Hart about the Ain't It Cool internet show and more!
Things to Watch Out For This Week: Part 1
- We Are What We Are: This is the Jim Mickle directed remake of the well known 2010 Mexican film of the same name. Mickle, who directed the awesome Mulberry St and the glorious Stake Land, knows how to make a goddamn movie, so based on that fact alone We Are What We Are is worth seeing. I can't wait to see it. Anyone get a chance to see this when it was briefly in movie theatres at the end of 2013? Anyone at all?
- Badges of Fury: A Hong Kong action flick starring Jet Li? Why the hell wouldn't I want to check it out? I am a little confused, though. Is it meant to be an action comedy or am I missing something? Regardless, it's worth seeing. It's Jet Li, man.
- Big Ass Spider!: This low budget giant monster movie has one of the greatest titles in movie history. How could you willfully turn your back on a movie called Big Ass Spider!? And with the great Ray Wise in the cast, holy hooey, the movie becomes an automatic must see. This is another low budget movie that managed to snag a small theatrical release. Did anyone out there get a chance to see it in on the big screen?
- Birth of the Living Dead: I'm not sure what more can be said about George A. Romero's seminal horror flick, 1968's Night of the Living Dead, but if people want to keep making documentaries about it I'm okay with it. It's always fun watching Romero and the Latent Image gang reminisce about one of the greatest horror movies of all time. Yet another must see.
- Inequality for All: Former Clinton labor secretary Robert Reich is the star of this documentary about the economy, the middle class, and unrelenting greed. It'll be interesting to see Reich speaking about these topics in long form, as he's usually only given a few minutes to discuss these topics on cable. The man knows what he's talking about.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Theme of the Week
TV Quick Hits
- What the heck is going on with Leonard and Penny on The Big Bang Theory?: As we saw at the end of last week's episode, Leonard and Penny are apparently at yet another crossroads in their relationship. Penny is upset with Leonard because, after asking him to marry her, he balked, and Leonard is upset with himself because he doesn't know why he didn't say "yes" immediately. He seems to think that he didn't say yes because Penny was somewhat drunk when she asked, but there could be something else at work in Leonard's psyche preventing him from saying "yes." What could that thing be?
Remember that episode not that long ago where Leonard dreamed about being together with Penny again and said, at the end, that every scenario he comes up with where they're together ends badly? I'm thinking that that dream is still very much with Leonard and that, at the same time, he thinks his relationship with Penny is in a good spot and he doesn't want to do anything to change it. And when Penny went into a downward spiral after her big acting break on NCIS fizzled out Leonard went into a perpetual state of panic. She's upset! That changes everything!
Of course, there's a chance that, knowing that she was kind of drunk when she asked, Penny would rethink the proposal and tell Leonard she can't do it, so he just knew, reflexively, not to answer in the afirmative. Will he try to make that case this Thursday?
I don't think the show can realistically withstand another Leonard and Penny break-up. The show should find a way for Penny to either become a semi-famous actress or find another job outside of the Cheesecake Factory, just to keep them together. I guess the show could do a "Leonard doesn't like Penny anymore" story, but I don't think anyone would believe it. Why the hell would Leonard give up on Penny?
Hopefully this week's episode shows us where this is all going. I'm pulling for Leonard and Penny, I really am. I don't want The Big Bang Theory to end.
- Am I the only one who thinks that Michael Bolton is going to show up in a Honda Super Bowl commercial?: I'm going to assume that the Michael Bolton/Honda commercials were a hit over the holiday season as they were on damn near every commercial break. Honda, and the various TV channels, certainly wouldn't want to continue on with an ad campaign that annoyed people and made them want to turn the channel. And now, with the holiday season officially over, I think it's safe to say that we've seen the last of Michael Bolton shilling for Honda... until Super Bowl weekend.
Yeah, I think it's going to happen. Or Bolton is going to show up in some other company's commercial doing the same sort of thing he did in the Honda commercials; singing an obnoxious song. Maybe a Budweiser commercial? Perhaps a spot for Snickers?
Am I the only one who thinks this is going to happen?
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Babe of the Week: Kaley Cuoco
Things to Watch Out For This Week: Part 2
- The Following Season 1: The second season of this Kevin Bacon TV thriller is about to start, so what better way to get back into the world of The Following than with this DVD set? I knew Joe Carroll wasn't dead.
- Hidden Away: This is apparently a Lifetime movie, which sort of makes sense after watching the trailer. It certainly feels like a Lifetime movie. It still looks okay. The great Sean Patrick Flanery is in it. He's always fun to watch.
- Dead of the Nite: A low budget British horror flick "starring" the great Tony Todd? Of course I want to check it out. I'm curious to see how Todd "stars" in it. You know, is he in the movie for more than five minutes or not?
- The Woodsman: I'm not a big "found footage horror movie" guy, but this flick, from the fine folks at Maverick Entertainment, looks creepy as hell. Easily worth a rental.
- The Amityville Asylum: This movie looks both creepy and incredibly ridiculous, so of course I want to see it. But haven't we all had enough of this "Amityville" thing? Wasn't that whole thing, well, bullshit? The DVD cover is goddamn awesome, though. Should be a T-shirt.
Starting next issue: Ninja New Year!
It's going to be awesome.
The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week
This week, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week goes to the ultra right wing media machine, for once again losing its mind over the prospect of Bill de Blasio being mayor of New York City. De Blasio, the first Democrat to be elected to the NYC mayor's office in twenty years, is a proud progressive/liberal, which scares the hell out of the URWMM. Progressive Democrats aren't supposed to be that progressive. They're supposed to "come to their senses" when they come into office. De Blasio, at least at the moment, hasn't "come to his senses." He's still talking about the liberal things he talked about during his campaign. That fact, the machine, is unacceptable. Doesn't de Blasio understand that if he doesn't come to his senses the "bad guys" (minorities!) are going to run wild again? What the hell, man?
This is going to go on for four years, and then four more after that if de Blasio is reelected. You would think the machine would just get over it and move on, maybe try to build up a credible contender for the mayor's office in 2017. That probably won't happen, though. I mean, the mayor's son has an afro. That has to mean something, doesn't it? Something sinister?
And then there's the ultra right wing media machine, for claiming that the recent New York Times story on the Benghazi attack, which showed that Osama bin Laden's Al Qaeda organization had nothing to do with the 9/11/2012 attack, was just a puff piece to prop up Hillary Clinton's potential presidential run in 2016. While it's true that the Times will, if she decides to run, will endorse Clinton for President, it's absolutely ridiculous to say that the Times is trying to somehow make her look good and make it easier for her to run for President in 2016 without serious evidence to back up that claim. And, at the moment, the machine has zero evidence that the Times is running interference for her (check out this story for details). So what's really going on here?
The URWMM is going to say whatever it needs to say to keep the Benghazi story going because the machine has nothing else to use against Clinton. All of the "old stuff" it has on her is just that, old stuff. Now, if the machine finds something new, like Clinton hanging out with Bill Ayers or something like that, then Benghazi will disappear, at least for a little while. But until that time it will be Benghazi all day, every day, non-stop.
What happens if she decides not to run in 2016? What does the machine do then?
And finally there's Beyonce, for claiming that the six second audio sample of the aftermath of the Challenger explosion at the beginning of her new song "XO" is a "tribute to the unselfish work of the Challenger crew with hope that they will never be forgotten." Does she really think we're all that fucking stupid? A "tribute?" Why can't she and her representatives just come out and say that the sample was included because "it sounded good and was right for the song," which is a far more plausible and realistic explanation than any "tribute" bullshit.
No one is going to make you change the song, even though the families of the Challenger disaster have asked you to do so. This story will disappear quickly and you'll be able to continue on being the Beyonce. So, again, why give out bullshit? What the hell ever happened to plausibility?
NASCAR and Indycar thoughts
Not much going on in the world of racing at the moment, 7-time Formula One champion Michael Schumacher is still in the hospital after suffering a serious head injury while skiing. I guess, in a certain respect, no news is good news for the former F1 badass. He's still in an induced coma, but it sounds like, slowly but surely, he is sort of getting better. Sort of. As I've read all over the internets, head injuries like the one Schumacher has can take a turn for the worse at a moment's notice, so, again, no news has to be considered good news in this instance.
The American sports car world is getting ready for the 24 hrs of Daytona, which takes place at the end of January (January 25th and 26th). The Daytona event will be the first race of the new combined sports car series, and everyone who is into that kind of thing is very excited. I'm interested to see how the Grand Am cars and the now former American Le Mans Series cars are going to run together, who will be faster, etc. According to an NBC Sports internet story I read the other day, NASCAR isn't going to have much of a presence in the event, with Jamie McMurray the only major NASCAR star set to compete (AJ Allmendinger is also going to compete in the race, but he's not a major NASCAR star, at least not at the moment). I'm going to assume that the Fox Sports channels will have live coverage of the race, or at least major chunks of it, as that what the old Speed Channel did back in the day. I can't seem to find any confirmation, one way or the other, anywhere on the internets. Why is it so damn hard to find information that says "yes" or "no?"
The big news in Indycar at the moment is the announcement that Allen Bestwick will become the play-by-play announcer for Indycar races on ABC starting this year. According to SB Nation, Bestwick will still work on ESPN's NASCAR broadcasts but will not appear on those broadcasts when there is a conflict with Indycar. Bestwick isn't a great announcer, but if Bob Jenkins isn't willing to come out of retirement Bestwick will just have to do. It'll be interesting to see how many times he screws up driver names during his first race. You just know it's going to happen.
Less than two weeks to go before the Chili Bowl finale, live on MAVTV. The various preliminary nights will be available on the internets, for a fee (I believe http://www.racinboys.com/ is providing coverage of the prelims for 25 bucks a day), but the main event will be live on MAVTV. The great Dave Despain will be a part of the show. I have no idea who else will be involved (Dave Argabright maybe? Rick Benjamin?). January 18th can't get here fast enough.
Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.
If there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.
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Drew Bolduc- Phil O'Ginny/Drew Colleen Walsh- Misandra Cody Crenshaw- Houdini Kenneth Hall- Ludas Gabriella Herzberg- Sandy Richard Spencer- Bob Ariel Canton- Gina Joey Tran- Boss Patrick Gaskill- Drew's Dad
Directed by Drew Bolduc and Dan Nelson Screenplay by Drew Bolduc