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The Gratuitous B-Movie Column 2.24.14 Issue #295: Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape! (2005)
Posted by Bryan Kristopowitz on 02.24.2014

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Issue #295: Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape! (2005)

Debuary: A Month of Debbie Rochon: Week 3

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the internets movie review column that has never been attacked by a rhino, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column, and I am your host Bryan Kristopowitz. In this issue, issue number two hundred and ninety-five, Debuary: A Month of Debbie Rochon concludes with a look at the low budget 2005 action comedy Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape!.

Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape! (2005)

Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape!, written and directed by Chris Seaver, is one of the strangest movies I think I've ever seen. Part sequel to Mulva: Zombie Ass Kicker! and part parody of Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill movies, Mulva 2 is a hilarious bit of mega low budget moviemaking that is nothing short of amazing. I didn't understand half of it, but even when I didn't quite get what was going on I was still having a blast. I'm sure, had I seen Zombie Ass Kicker! or any of the other movies Seaver made as part of his now retired Low Budget Pictures outfit, I would have caught every joke and reference and enjoyed it on a different level. However, because Kill Teen Ape! is my first Low Budget Pictures experience, I can only judge the movie as one single entity.

Rochon stars as Mulva, a badass killer who, much like Uma Thurman's Bride character in Kill Bill, wakes up from a violence induced coma wanting revenge. She wants to kill Teen Ape (listed in the credits as playing himself, but I'm going to venture a guess and say that Teen Ape is actually played by Seaver) for putting her in a coma and for stealing her Halloween candy. Apparently, Mulva is a bit of a candy lunatic, and stealing her Halloween candy is a truly heinous act. So, once she manages to figure out how to walk again, Mulva goes on a killing spree, tracking down all of Teen Ape's henchmen and dispatching them violently, ending with a final showdown with Teen Ape. That, as far as I can tell, is the plot of the movie.

The movie, at barely over an hour, goes by quickly, although there are a few slow points. The movie is dialogue heavy, and for the most part the sound is good enough that you can hear everything that is said by the actors (there's none of that hollow sound crap in the background when someone is talking). You'll probably want to watch the movie with headphones on a laptop so you can catch everything, though. I know I want to do that at some point. I feel as though I missed quite a bit because I was trying to take notes while watching. The only thing I want to complain about is the Teen Ape character's voice, the only voice in the movie you can barely hear. The actor's voice is severely muffled by the rubber ape mask and there are times where it sounds like Teen Ape isn't saying anything at all, he's just making noise. Why couldn't he have a microphone under his mask, or dub in his voice later? Was it too expensive?

The gore is top notch for an ultra low budget movie. It's nasty but isn't gross, and it's used for laughs more than anything else. There are several decapitations featuring massive arterial spray and they're all hilarious (my favorite is the one where Mulva, after the decapitation, walks into the background and behind a tree and then, a split second after disappearing, comes back to see if the bloody neck stump is still spraying blood into the sky. It's an inspired moment).

And then there are the action/fight scenes. If you don't laugh out loud after watching someone try to kill Mulva with paper plates thrown at her head like giant saw blades you're just not going to like the movie at all. And while there are no big time wire fights or anything like that, the movie's sword fights are acceptable, and the one-on-one fights are shot well enough that you can tell what's going on. The axe attacks are going to confuse people, though. What the heck is flying into the air there? If it isn't skin and gore what the hell is it?

Rochon does a great job as Mulva. She knows when to make the silly goings on even sillier, and she knows when to hold the goofiness back so she can dole out plot points and expand on Mulva's motivation. It's also a hoot to see an actor totally committed to an action movie that has no problem staging scenes inside what appears to be either a small warehouse or a large, cluttered garage somewhere. You just don't see that kind of thing all of the time. I do wish the movie explained Mulva's glasses, though. Why is she missing a lense? Is it a call back to the first Mulva in Zombie Ass Kicker (Rochon didn't play Mulva in ZAK, a running joke throughout the movie)?

The rest of the cast is decent, especially Lauren Seavage, who has to play a Lucy Liu parody named Puggly Ishi with gigantic ugly front teeth. Ishi is also a sort of militant lesbian, which, in this kind of movie, is hilarious. And Seaver's performance as Bonejack, a character that is an LBP regular (based on everything I've read on the internets), is also worth mentioning. You will be in awe of him.

Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape! isn't for everyone, but I think if you give the movie a chance and go along with its sense of humor you'll have a good time with it. There's an obvious passion for the movie that comes out of every performance, and it's that kind of commitment that helps you overlook whatever is "wrong" with it. I don't understand most of it, but I loved Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape! anyway. It makes me want to check out Seaver's other efforts, both from Low Budget Pictures and his new movie making outfit Warlock Home Video. The guy is a genius.

See Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape!. See it see it, see it.

So what do we have here?

Dead bodies: 10+

Explosions: None. Probably not in the budget.

Nudity?: None. Does Seaver usually feature nudity in his movies? Anyone out there know?

Doobage: Face wiping, farting, off screen breast implants, multiple black and white flashbacks, bloody eye removal, a funny eye patch gag, some stuff about revenge, a kitchen brawl, low budget kung fu, paper plate razor Frisbees, plastic container to the forehead, a vicious head lock, wrist breaking, breakfast cereal to the face, back stabbing, chocolate syrup, more low budget kung fu, a Yoda backpack (maybe. That's what it looks like to me), decapitation via fart, decapitation, bloody arm removal, plastic sword fighting, axe thrown to the chest, double bloody hand removal, giant penis on a chain, dildo to the side of the neck, a Kermit doll fishing in the background, sword dancing, another decapitation, a blood stained sword, werewolf attack, a garbage bag full of trash, ear poking, a picture of John Stamos, head crushing, a bag of Halloween candy, a big plastic knife, ball cutting, double thumb to the eye, a final decapitation, and severed head holding.

Kim Richards?: None.

Gratuitous: Debbie Rochon, Kill Bill references, Teen Ape, Debbie Rochon farting, Debbie Rochon waking up from a coma after farting, of screen breast implants, talk of Tromaville, paper plate razor Frisbees, Red Bull, a guy with a paper bag over his head, chocolate syrup, shot at Michael Jackson's skin problem, crying about Buffy getting cancelled, lesbianism, decapitation by fart, action scenes filmed in a large garage, seppuku, a Christmas Story joke, giant penis on a chain, Kermit doll fishing in the background, a werewolf, a werewolf hunter, an Indian crying about garbage, a shot at Clint Eastwood, a picture of John Stamos, a man wearing a rubber ape mask, a plastic knife, and severed head holding.

Best lines: "You're on my crotch Teen Ape!," "You know, you really filled out bitch!," "Twix! Twix! Twix!," "I am going to kill Teen Ape!," "Oh, my brain!," "That's a funny name, isn't it? Meeo Boop? What is it, Polish?," "Mulva, are you sure you don't want a last minute fuck?," "This shit's going to be good!," "Pugly! Get your stank ass out here!," "Ooh! Plastique!," "Where the fuck is this?," "This is fucking weird right here," "Dominoes motherfucker!," "Say goodbye to your jerk arm!," and "I'll see you in hell, bitch!"

Rating: 8.0/10.0


Debuary: A Month of Debbie Rochon will return in 2015!


Next Issue: Monster March begins with Sharknado!


The Gratuitous B-Movie Column: The Facebook Page!

Please check out The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page, which can be seen here. There's not much there at the moment, but, as time goes by, expect to see daily questions and musings and other B-movie hooey (this really is going to happen at some point). And it would be cool if you "liked" it, too.

The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Facebook page! Yeah!

And please check out my interview with director Brett A. Hart about the Ain't It Cool internet show and more!


A Random Rochon Fact

Debbie Rochon won the Best Actress Award at the 2010 Eerie Horror Film Festival for her role in Slime City Massacre.


Things to Watch Out For This Week: Part 1

- Thor: The Dark World: This very cool sequel once again has Chris Hemsworth's Thor kicking ass and whatnot, beating stone monsters and dark elves and all sorts of weird hooey. The ending is a little disconcerting (I won't spoil things if you haven't seen it with specifics, but I will ask is he dead or just incapacitated?) but I'm sure it will eventually be resolved at some point. Marvel movies have become automatic must sees, and Thor: The Dark World is no exception.

- Gravity: I reviewed this Oscar nominee in > this column. I'm curious to see it on TV, just to see if it has the same overall feel as it did on the big screen. I have a feeling that it won't be as "awesome" on TV. It will still, probably, be a good movie, though.

- Monsters: The Complete Series: This very cool syndicated horror anthology series, a sort of companion show to Tales from the Darkside, used to creep me out as a kid. I think the show's opening titles sequence is the big reason for that relentless chill (what the hell is the father supposed to be? A bug crossed with a potato?). Did this show freak anyone else out when it was on back in the day?

- Dark Tourist: This low budget thriller starring Michael Cudlitz and Melanie Griffith has been getting some good reviews, so, based on that fact alone it's worth a rental. It looks dark and weird based on the trailer, which is a good sign considering the movie's title. Has anyone out there seen this?

- Legit Season 1: This great comedy starring comedian Jim Jeffries is about to start its second season this Wednesday, so you'll have a day or so to get caught up with this DVD set. The show will now air on FXX instead of FX, so be sure to watch it and tell everyone you know about it. FXX has a tendency to throw away brilliant shows (I'm still pissed off about Totally Biased). Legit is well worth checking out.


The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Theme of the Week



Nelson Frazier, Jr. "Mabel"/"Viscera"/"Big Daddy V" 1971-2014 RIP


TV Quick Hits

- The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon thoughts: Jimmy Fallon's run as host of The Tonight Show began last Monday and, so far, he hasn't been fired, so that's a good thing. And from what I've read on various websites, his opening week ratings have been decent, so that's a good thing for Fallon, producer Lorne Michaels, and NBC. However, Conan O'Brien was the new king of late night after his first week hosting The Tonight Show and look at how that worked out. No one seems to have a big head at the moment, so, in essence, Fallon is off to a good start.

I managed to see three of Fallon's first five episodes, and the only thing I would get rid of is the weird skits. The "dance off" type bits are fine and fun, but the skit with Will Ferrell and Michelle Obama was excruciating and stuff like that should be shelved until the writing staff can come up with funnier stuff. There's nothing wrong with being silly and experimenting from time to time, but Fallon should keep the really out there stuff to a minimum.

The set is weird looking. It doesn't look all that big (when he walks out from the curtain it looks like the audience is right on top of him), and at the same time it looks like Fallon is a million miles away from both The Roots and sidekick announcer Steve Higgins. Perhaps the set needs a different color scheme? The opening theme could use a little more energy. I mean, it works and whatnot, but his theme for Late Night was great and I was hoping that his Tonight Show theme would be close to that, at least energy wise. Questlove and The Roots will figure it out.

I'll probably tune in to Fallon again in about two weeks, just to see if the show is any different by then (I'll notice any changes, big or small). I want to see Fallon succeed, and hopefully he will. I mean, if Fallon fails and NBC has to find someone else to do the show who the hell is the network going to find?

Good luck, Jimmy Fallon. I'm rooting for you. Again, just keep the really out there silly stuff to a minimum. Only do a skit once a week, twice tops. And, please, don't do the "comedian disguised as a celebrity" thing again. It's just too weird.


The Gratuitous B-Movie Column B-Movie Babe of the Week: Tiffany Shepis


A Random Rochon Fact

Debbie Rochon was honored with the inaugural Ingrid Pitt Award for Excellence and Perseverance in Horror on Jan. 12, 2013.


Things to Watch Out For This Week: Part 2

- Robocroc: This low budget sci-fi monster movie could very well appear in this column next month as part of Monster March. Yes, it looks kind of cheesy, but the idea of a gigantic killer crocodile augmented by malevolent nano technology is just such a great idea. I mean, why would you not want to watch a movie about that kind of thing?

- Scarecrow: A low budget Sci Fi Channel slasher movie about a killer scarecrow? What the heck, why not? It probably won't be gory or truly nasty, but it could have some disturbing imagery in it. Very rentable.

- Surviving Evil: The great Billy Zane is in this low budget "people-going-into-the-jungle-only-to-be-attacked-by-a-monster" movie, which looks generally okay. I believe the movie was given a small theatrical release in the United Kingdom, so there's a chance that you may have seen it. The monsters we see in the trailer are pretty messed up.

- Bullet: The great Danny Trejo stars in this low budget thriller along with "Cuz" hisself Michael Banks. How many movies Machete plan on starring in? I swear it seems as though he has a new movie coming out every other week. This looks awesome, though.


The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week


This week, The Gratuitous B-Movie Column Douchebag of the Week goes to the Arizona state legislature, for passing a bill that would make it okay for businesses to discriminate against gays for "religious reasons." According to CNN, supporters of the legislation firmly believe that there's some massive social conspiracy against "people of faith," and that this bill will protect "people of faith" from being discriminated against.

Discriminated against? Really? Are there any pieces of legislation pending in the state of Arizona (or any state for that matter) where Christians and other "people of faith" are being specifically mentioned as being wrong and terrible and evil? Nope. So who the fuck is being openly discriminated against here?

This legislation is bullshit, and hopefully the state's governor, Jan Brewer, vetoes it (CNN says Brewer vetoed similar legislation last year, so there's slight hope that she will do so again). And if that doesn't happen, hopefully the state's business community has a total meltdown and flips out against the state legislature (and the governor) for allowing Arizona to become a bastion of insanity. Maybe then this kind of shit won't spread to other states (well, to the states that don't have similar legislation floating around their state governments, like Tennessee).

What the fuck is wrong with Arizona?

And then there's Fox News contributor Erick Erickson, for claiming that "businesses that serve gay couples are aiding and abetting sin." So a restaurant refusing to serve a gay couple is something Jesus would condone? Really?

You can read all about this sorry story here. And kudos to Fox News colleague Kirsten Powers for calling Erickson out on his lunacy. You would think that Erickson, and all "people of faith," would just stop this kind of hateful shit.

And finally there's Douchebag Hall of Famer Bill O'Reilly, for worrying about "homosexual overtones" in the Girl Scouts. As the fine folks at Media Matters reported last week, O'Reilly is terrified that the Girl Scouts has been both taken over by "secular progressives" and that because one of the group's spokespersons was in a punk band accused of having "homosexual overtones," the Girl Scouts are about to become a full on outfit of evil lesbians.

First off, what the fuck are "homosexual overtones?" And second, why would it be a problem if the Girl Scouts did become "friendly" with gays? Why is not being openly hostile to gay people a social weakness? I need someone to explain this to me.


NASCAR and Indycar thoughts

Because of the rain delay at Daytona I'm not going to be able to comment on the Daytona 500, at least not in this issue. The crawl on Fox as I write this claims the race is expected to restart at 8:30pm. Why wait around that long? I mean, yes, Daytona has lights but once you get beyond 6 pm I think it's time to call it a day and just run the rest of the race Monday, especially when you don't know if the rain is really going to stay away. And what about the fans in the stands, the ones that paid hundreds of dollars to watch the race live and in person? Why make them sit around forever?

I missed most of the Nationwide race, but it doesn't sound like I missed much. Regan Smith won the race, holding off Brad Keselowski in one of the closest finishes in Nationwide Series history. I also managed to miss most of the Camping World Truck Series race on Friday night (it had been a long day and I fell asleep right before the green flag came out). Kyle Busch won that race, and based on what I read about the race I didn't miss much there, either.

I did get to see the Battle at the Beach NASCAR Modified race held on Tuesday night on the backstretch of Daytona. Unlike the 2013 edition of "Battle," the 2014 race was a relatively calm affair. There were plenty of cautions, sure, but the yellow periods were spread out and the drivers weren't as anxious to make dive bomb passes like in 2013. 2013 Whelen Modified Tour Champion Ryan Preece had the race well in hand, leading from the pole for most of the race's 150 lap distance, but then he made a massive mistake and ran into a lapped car, destroying the left side of his car and allowing Doug Coby to sneak by and win.

Now, did NASCAR make the entrance to the corners slightly wider than last year's temporary track? Was that why the dive bomb attacks weren't as prevalent? I think it also helped that the starting field was cut back to 26 starters. Did anyone watch the K & N late model race right after the mods? I saw like the first ten laps and then had to go do something else.

I watched most of the Budweiser Duels for the Sprint Cup cars on Thursday and thought the racing was okay. Matt Kenseth and Denny Hamlin won the qualifiers. The second race, despite Hamlin's general dominance, was the better of the two. It also had the more exciting finish (boy, Clint Bowyer was one lucky guy, flipping and then landing back on all four wheels). And what the heck is going on with Jimmie Johnson? Has the magic finally left the six time championship winning team?

See how freaky Bowyer's flip was? I am still in awe of it.

Phoenix is up next for both the Sprint Cup Series and the Nationwide Series. Man, Sunday is going to be a long day, with Phoenix in the afternoon and the Oscars that evening. You know where I'll be.

Not much going on in Indycar at the moment, which is kind of sad since the start of the 2014 season is only a few weeks away. Perhaps there will be more news and whatnot once the Daytona hooha dies down, as that is the big deal at the moment in the world of racing. Hopefully we'll have a better idea of how many cars will start the season and then complete every race. The last number I heard (I believe I read it one of Robin Miller's racer.com articles) was 22 regulars with maybe two more figuring things out by the start of St. Pete. I'd be shocked if the field is larger than 24 by St. Pete.

And then the speculation begins for Indianapolis. Will there be 33 cars ready to go for the 500?


A Random Rochon Fact

Debbie Rochon has directed a movie, Model Hunger, and it should be out this year. Check out the Model Hunger website and Facebook page for details.


Well, I think that'll be about it for this issue. B-movies rule, always remember that.

If there's anything you want to see reviewed here in this column, feel free to offer a comment below or send me an e-mail. I'm always on the lookout for new stuff to watch.

And don't forget to sign up with disqus if you want to comment on this article and any other 411 article. You know you want to, so just go do it.

*** All "Random Debbie Rochon Facts" courtesy of imdb.com, wikipedia, and Debbie Rochon.com

Mulva 2: Kill Teen Ape!

Debbie Rochon- Mulva
Teen Ape- Teen Ape
Meredith Host- Heather
Lauren Seavage- Puggly Ishi
Matt Meister- The Meistro
Jen Stone- Squeaky Fromage
Emily Meister- Aereola Slim
Jason McCall- T-Bone
Mike O'May- Billingsley
Chris Seaver- Bonejack

Directed by Chris Seaver
Screenplay by Chris Seaver

Distributed by Tempe Entertainment

Runtime- 62 minutes

Buy it here


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