Warped News 12.29.05: The Merry New Year Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 12.29.2005
Please forgive my English which stinks. I am Cris Murphy. Exchange student from Camaroon.
I hope everyone had a very merry Christmas. Now it's time for the happy new year to come around. As usual, I got a few DVDs (including Season 1 of "The West Wing") and some money. That's all I really want. Why get entangled with a lot of useless gadgets that you'll throw away before Christmas comes back around? Give me some movies that I like, and you'll be my best friend.
Plus, the Chiefs looked like a professional football team again and trounced the San Diego Chargers into the surf. Now, we'll make the playoffs if we manage to beat Cincinnati, and if Pittsburgh loses…to Detroit…at home.
That means it's time to start preparing for the 2006 Draft with a little piece of Hollywood news that Mel Kiper, Jr. likes to call…
All the News, New and Improved
In memorium…Vincent Schiavelli
Thoughts and prayers to out to the friends and family of character actor Vincent Schiavelli. He died Monday at his home in Sicily at the age of 57. Schiavelli was best known of the Sanka drinking teacher, Mr. Vargas, in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Schiavelli also appeared as Salieri's valet in Amadeus, as patient Frederickson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, the subway ghost in Ghost, and as Chester in The People vs. Larry Flynt. He was selected in 1997 by Vanity Fair as one of the United States' best character actors.
He also wrote three cookbooks and many food articles for magazines and newspapers, possibly inheriting his love for cooking from his grandfather, who had been a cook for an Italian baron before moving to the United States, according to IMDB. His books include "Many Beautiful Things," which was published in 2002 and is a compilation of recipes and anecdotes about his visits to Polizzi Generosa, the small hilltop town that was his grandparents' birthplace.
Fare thee well, Mr. Vargas.
It's no longer time to make the donuts…
The Associated Press reports that Michael Vale, the actor best known for his portrayal of a sleepy-eyed Dunkin' Donuts baker who said "Time to make the doughnuts," has died at the age of 83. Vale died Saturday in New York City of complications from diabetes, according to son-in law Rick Reil. Vale's long-running character, "Fred the Baker," for the doughnut maker's ad campaign lasted 15 years until he retired in 1997.
Canton, Mass.-based Dunkin' Donuts said in a statement that Vale's character "became a beloved American icon that permeated our culture and touched millions with his sense of humor and humble nature."
A veteran of the Broadway stage, film and television, Vale appeared in more than 1,300 TV commercials. Growing up, he's the only reason I even knew about Dunkin' Donuts. Farewell Mr. Vale. May your afterlife have sprinkles.
Peter Jackson presents…Donkey Kong
IGN.com reports that Crystal Sky studios are ready to produce movie versions of the video games Tekken and Castlevania. Crystal Sky CEO Steven Paul said Hollywood is far from exhausting the pool of potential that exists in console games, despite numerous flops at the box office.
Paul confirmed that production on Tekken is imminent, planned for early 2006. He said that the deal for that picture came about thanks to his studio's close relationship to the Japanese companies associated with the game series, Gaga and Namco. He did not, unfortunately, address any casting. The rumor about Jet Li's involvement remains up in the air at the moment.
Paul also briefly mentioned the Castlevania film that has been previously reported on here and elsewhere. He confirmed the hiring of Paul W.S. Anderson to write and direct, saying Anderson was a natural choice due to his experience in adapting videogames to the film medium. Experience in what? Sucking? Why does Anderson even get a chance to get behind the camera again? Doesn't the words Alien vs. Predator or Mortal Combat strike fear in the hearts of studio executives like it should?
Crystal Sky is also planning a movie based on the venerable arcade hit Pac-Man. However, Paul wouldn't divulge any details at this time. Well, it makes sense that a studio willing to give Paul W.S. Anderson more work would think that a Pac-Man movie is a viable cash cow franchise. Who would they get to play the lead role, Louis Anderson?
The only time I can squeeze Spiccoli, Popeye Doyle & earthquakes in the same sentence…
The Associated Press reports that several films including the documentary Hoop Dreams and The French Connection are among the 25 movies picked this year for the National Film Registry, a compilation of significant films being preserved by the Library of Congress.
Fictional films chosen by Librarian of Congress James H. Billington range from Buster Keaton's last comedy, The Cameraman (a great film), to Miracle on 34th Street to Fast Times at Ridgemont High. The new selections bring the total number of preserved films to 425.
"Sadly, our enthusiasm for watching films has proved far greater than our commitment to preserving them," Billington said. Half the movies made before 1950, and 80 percent to 90 percent of those produced before 1920, have disappeared, he said. He added that more are lost each year, partly because of the recently discovered "vinegar syndrome" that attacks the safety film used to preserve most of them.
"The films we choose are not necessarily the 'best' American films ever made or the most famous, but they are films that continue to have cultural, historical or aesthetic significance," Billington said. Billington made his selections from more than 1,000 titles nominated by the public. He held lengthy discussions with the library's motion picture division staff and members of the National Film Preservation Board.
It's a very eclectic list. When you have such classics as Cool Hand Luke and Baby Face mixed in with earthquake footage and The Rock Horror Picture Show, you have something that just about anyone can enjoy. I'm always ready to help out in film preservation, and I'm glad that the Library of Congress wants to pitch in on the effort.
The First Ever Sean Penn and Debbie Dunning Present: The Craftsman Hot Tool of the Week™
For the end of the year, I shall combine the Tool of the Week™ along with the Babe Photo News Brief™ to give you news of a really hot chick acting like a tool. On with the show…
Is Eva Longoria becoming just a little too Diva for her bikini britches? According to the San Antonio Express News, Longoria was in Detroit watching her boyfriend, Tony Parker of the San Antonio Spurs, play the Pistons. When the jumbotron put Longoria on the big screen, many Piston fans started to boo. Longoria responding by flashing her…not her breasts unfortunately…Parker's NBA Championship ring to the crowd.
But it wasn't over for the couple this week. On Monday, Parker and Longoria were pulled over in San Antonio by a traffic cop. Parker was cited for impeding traffic and failing to produce a valid Texas driver's license. But things got a little touchy. After seeing a car stopped, a bicycle officer said it was impeding traffic. When the car didn't move, the officer rapped the hood with the palm of his hand, according to a police report.
Parker, who was behind the wheel, questioned why the officer touched the car, and the couple "began screaming in a verbally abusive and demeaning manner," police said. Longoria called the police report "highly inaccurate." Uh, huh.
Police say Parker then began to drive away, almost hitting a man standing nearby. After being told to stop and get out, Parker showed a French driver's license, police said.
The officer who wrote the citations said Parker complained: "This is all the cops do, just mess with people," and that Longoria shouted from the car: "He's just a Mexican bike cop. He only wants your autograph." Longoria denied making the comment.
"It's a shame that one officer conducted himself in such an inappropriate and disorderly manner. I never made any sort of racial slurs, let alone made any comments about the officer being Mexican, as a Mexican myself," Longoria said through her publicist.
I'm sure that an officer who "only wants an autograph" will slam his hand down on your hood. That's a great way to make friends.
Here's a little photo of Ms. Longoria…
…because she's a….
Craftsman 56 in. Red Combo
56 in. red combo systems have full-extension ball bearing drawer slides that open and close easier as your load increases. Powder-coat finish gives exceptional rust resistance for a long life. And at $3300, that makes her a high-priced chest that handles plenty of tools…including French ones.
The Second Ever Sean Penn and Debbie Dunning Present: The Craftsman Hot Tool of the Week™
I don't know what it is this week, but there's a bevy of hot actresses who are acting like tools.
Life must be hard for OC star Mischa Barton. In a recent interview with Contact Music, she was quoted as saying, "Pretty people aren't as accepted as other people. It comes with all these stigmas." Yes, beautiful people have all the problems of the world thrust upon them…because they're beautiful. Forget the Kelly LeBrock "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful" routine. This goes way beyond imbecilic. Honey, if you don't want the stigma of being beautiful, then don't be in Hollywood earning millions on a crappy dog and pony show like "The OC". Don't hock cosmetics. Let your hair get a little tangled. You can make yourself look as ugly as you want to be, so you don't have to worry about those "stigmas".
Here's a pic of the not-so-beautiful Ms. Barton…
…because she's the…
Craftsman 1/2 hp Garage Door Opener
Sears item #00953992000 Mfr. model #53992
Includes a variety of security and convenience features to help protect your family and property. System includes 2 Security + ™ 3-function remotes. And really! How sexy can a garage opener be?
The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Babes of 2005 Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post a very hot picture of said hot babe (or babes). On with the show…
Here is my list of the top Babes Photo News Briefs Babes of the year 2005.
#10 – Vida Guerra
No, she's not an actress. But she is the hottest swimsuit model on the planet. And for some reason, I put her in a BHNB a while ago, and you guys are still clamoring for more pictures of her. So, here you go.
#9 – Chloe Jones
This porn star was linked to a binge coke and sex fest with none other than Charlie Sheen, which cause a near divorce between him and hottie Denice Richards. Ms. Jones later passed away from an alleged drug overdose. To honor the dead, some very hot photos of the porn slut…
#8 – Kelly Monaco
This soap opera star won the first ever "Dance With the Stars" season (like I care), and then graced all of us with a spread in Playboy. Now that's how you reward your fans!
#7 – Jennifer Aniston
It's been a rough year for the now Ms. Aniston. After her divorce from Brad Pitt, she started dating Vince Vaughn and became the first ever female GQ Man of the Year. Plus, she had a couple of movies come out. Unfortunately, one of them was with both Shirley McClane and Kevin Costner.
#6 – Pamela Anderson
The ultimate "I'd hit it once" girl, she made splashes aplenty this year with her censored pole dance during an Elton John special. Plus, we found out that Tommy Lee would rather drink than have sex with her. Shows you how messed up Tommy Lee is. She's been featured in the BPNB many times this year, so what's one more?
#5 – Lindsay Lohan
The buxom red-headed teen suddenly became less buxom when she decided to do the Nicole Richtie "Forget pole dancing. Just be the pole" Diet. Lohan went from smoking hot to heroin unsheik in about 1 week. Fortunately, she's gaining the weight and the breasts back. Unfortunately, she's the most overexposed celebrity there is, and that's with Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson in the mix.
#4 – Eva Longoria
She's hot. She's a bitch on TV. And she's proving that it's method acting. However, we can forgive her dating a Frenchman, and just concentrate on her gorgeous assets.
#3 – Jessica Alba
What can I say that hasn't already been said? Ms. Alba is probably the hottest of the Hollywood hotties. Plus, I reported in a BPNB that she likes pRoN, and even rents it herself. Plus, she likes getting caught bending over on beaches by paparazzi, because she did it over and over again.
#2 – Jessica Simpson
She went from dim-witted blonde, to Daisy Duke hotness, back to dim-witted blonde, to divorced-single-available. If it weren't for the breast of our #1, 2005 would have been the "Year of Jessica Simpson's Breasts".
#1 – Angelina Jolie
From stealing Brad Pitt to stealing southeast Asian children (then legally adopting them), 2005 has been the year of her lips. What else can you say to the best rack in Hollywood…besides "show us your t*ts"?
From Pimpstick To Pulpit
David Hardy gets first pimps with more "Pink and Stick" news and another photo of Jessica Simpson…like there isn't enough. It's all in the latest Hardywood Holler.
Leonard Hayhurst has post his 5 most influential films in the latest Ask 411 Movies. Kudos on the Melvin Van Peebles film.
George H. Sirois has been watching a lot of Star Trek movies lately. I'm getting a little worried for him.
Misunderstood Masterpieces goes above and beyond the call of duty to bring you Dennis Rodman in all of his glory. God bless you Will Helm.
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
Match Point (limited): A serious Woody Allen flick? Here's an early review
That's all I'm going to do this week. I'm on vacation, and it's the holidays. Time to give my fingers a break and start chugging some beer and preparing myself for New Years Eve. Until 2006…later!
