Misunderstood Masterpieces: Alone in the Dark

Posted by Will Helm on 01.03.2006

…or, The Very Worst of a Very Bad Year

While there may have been terrible years in the world of cinema, 2005 may be one of the worst in recent memory. Simply scanning the wonderful resource that is the IMDB.com Bottom 100 yields an inordinate number of entries from the past twelve months. While I may have already covered one this column, specifically Son of the Mask, there are many more that will soon be featured herein, such as In the Mix, Get Rich or Die Tryin', and The Honeymooners, to name a few.

Of course, when it comes to choosing the worst movie of 2005, we have to consider past efforts, and no one director has more of an auspicious recent effort than the much – rightly maligned – Uwe Boll and his 2004 opus House of the Dead. As bad as House of the Dead may have been, unbelievably, someone let Uwe Boll make another movie and, unbelievably, it was actually worse. Yes, folks, Uwe Boll, "master" of contemporary video-game adaptations, somehow made the wonderfully terrible Alone in the Dark, based on the game of the same name. Featuring notable has-been Christian Slater, worldly skank Tara Reid, and decent actor-for-hire Stephen Dorff, Alone in the Dark grossed an unbelievable total of a little over five million dollars. Five. Million. Dollars. So . . . it features a bad director, a bad concept, a bad cast, and it did badly at the box office; is there any surprise that it's the Misunderstood Masterpieces Worst Film of 2005?

Perhaps to hammer home just how bad of an experience this is going to be, it begins with a convoluted expository monologue that can only be there to explain just what's going to be going down for the next ninety minutes. Or, at least that's what I hope it's doing, as it seems that there was an ancient culture that released an unspeakable evil upon the world. Later, some guy that worked for the United States' government's paranormal branch was fired – in what has to be the quickest jump in time in the history of film – and then, now a freelancer, he did horrid experiments to unwitting orphans. Wow . . . five minutes in and already I'm confused. Anyway, even though we've already learned about an ancient culture and the modern day, the film begins twenty-two years ago as a random scientist – assumably the scientist the scientist the monologue was speaking of – yells at a nun. Meanwhile, one of the orphans escapes while the scientist takes all of his compatriots away to parts unknown. Later, the nun lies to the cops while the escaped orphan has monsters dancing in his eyeball.

In the present day, the escaped orphan grows up to be Edward Carnby (Slater), who freaks out some kid on a plane for no particular reason. Elsewhere, on a boat, the scientist talks on the phone and orders the death of a messenger or something like that. It's all vague and hush-hush. I have a feeling I ought to get used to that. Meanwhile, back in . . . wherever, Carnby has a cynical internal monologue explaining pretty much that he's a prick, but a heroic prick. It seems that, according to his brain, he's afraid of the dark . . . or humanity should be afraid of the dark or something like that. While Carnby takes a taxi around the unknown city, some bald guy follows in another taxi. It seems that Carnby, for some reason, is investigating his own past because he's some sort of paranormal police, or so he tells his taxi driver, Chris Pontius.

After Carnby explains his raison d'être to the Wildboy, a high speed chase breaks out as he catches on that their taxi is being followed. The pair of taxis plows into a random street fair and then, in the midst of the marketplace, the evil taxi rams into Carnby's taxi. While Chris Pontius bleeds profusely in the front seat, Carnby faces off against the evil taxi driver and kicks him through a plate glass window. The evil taxi driver responds by beating up a random old guy for no particular reason. Oh, that's SO evil. As opposed to so Raven, I suppose. Later, inside a storehouse, the evil taxi driver pummels Carnby over some undefined artifact and then they fight their way into an adjacent alley. In the alley, there just happens to be a cop and the quick-thinking Carnby steals the police officer's sidearm and pumps a few rounds into the evil taxi driver, but he keeps on coming. Of course, the evil taxi driver is no match for a giant spike that Carnby throws him onto after a cursory bit of scuffling. Wow . . . can you say "anticlimactic"?

Meanwhile, at the city's local museum, assistant curator and archaeologist Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid) opens a box. Well, if it were Tara Reid opening her box, that wouldn't be big news. Luckily for her, while she quizzically wonders what's in the box, some fat security guard provides exposition for us, the viewers. Thanks, dude. Back on the boat, the scientist dredges up a mysterious box from the bottom of the ocean. In the city, Carnby looks at parking garages and then he goes home and listens to his answering machine! Feel the suspense! Some guy is having nightmares! So Carnby went from being a paranormal investigator to a psychiatrist? Whatever. Or he might even be an archaeologist himself, as, after listening to his messages, he studies an enigmatic stone circle. Ah, so the Aztecs had cock rings then.

Once again on the boat, the scientist provides exposition regarding the mysterious crate while some Jesus-impersonating sailor is rightfully impressed. Elsewhere, Carnby does some stereotypically scientific research in his laboratory; meanwhile, the Jesus-impersonating sailor, quite curious about the contents of the box on his boat, locks up the scientist and – perhaps to get the movie moving – opens the box! Wow, I wonder if he's ever seen Raiders of the Lost Ark? Say goodbye to your face, fake Jesus! Unfortunately, we don't really find out what happened, as we cut to Carnby – and a bunch of other people – getting headaches for no discernable reason and then all the people who aren't Carnby go wandering the streets in an apparent daze. Hmm . . . so they're all stoned? Meanwhile, on the boat, the scientist is confused; elsewhere, at the museum, Aline is confused. Then again, if it's Tara Reid, when isn't she confused?

After an amount of time for a decent amount of carnage to be loosed upon the boat, the scientist exits his makeshift prison – that he locked himself in – to find fake Jesus and his fellow seamen dead; instead of calling the Coast Guard for help, the scientist merely opens a secret compartment in the now open and empty box and steals what seems to be a dinosaur tooth. OK then. Meanwhile at the United States' government's paranormal branch – which was supposed to be shuttered according to the opening monologue – Commander Richard Burke (Dorff) is concerned. Evidently the camera caught him while he was contemplating the direction of his career; in that case, I'd be concerned too. Over at the museum, the scientist calls Aline and yells at her because she opened the box. Too bad he didn't take the time to call her a "dirty slut" for it.

Carnby, who was left unconscious by his splitting headache earlier, has a flashback revealing things we pretty much could have surmised without the sledgehammer of plot smashing us in the head . . . and then his cell phone interrupts the scene. Thank you, cell phone! Some chick with no bra on calls Carnby because it seems that her husband walked out on her the night before. So why does Carnby care about that? Oh yeah, he's not just a paranormal researcher, he's also a marriage counselor. While Carnby provides another expository monologue – always the mark of cinematic quality – he meets with the braless chick and then he calls some contact he has at the government. Later, Carnby visits the orphanage from earlier in the film and he chats with the nun who, remarkably, hasn't aged in twenty-two years. Carnby, on the case, asks the nun for help in tracking down his fellow orphans . . . and then we have even more exposition. So let's see . . . we're about thirty minutes into the movie and NOTHING has happened yet. Good to know.

At a café, some nerdy guy gives Carnby some classified documents and then Carnby yells at him for no particular reason and leaves. Well, that's no way to treat your friends . . . or government contacts. Later, Carnby visits Aline at the museum, where she unsurprisingly hugs him and then slaps him across the face. Hmm . . . I sense backstory. After recovering from her wicked blow, Carnby gives Aline a pot of ancient lip balm and then Aline does some scientific stuff to it which we are to assume takes the place of her actually studying the piece; of course, I don't know why she had to do anything with it, since she seems to have a whole collection of them. Before Aline can tell us exactly what's going on – like everyone else in the movie has so far – the lights go out! Uh-oh . . . they're together in the somewhat dim! And here I thought they'd be alone in the dark, but then I'd be wrong.

While Carnby and Aline wander about, the fat and helpful security guard from earlier in the film stalks the halls quizzically. Carnby and Aline, just like former lovers, argue and bicker while they walk around aimlessly and then Aline's Spidey-sense kicks in, which can only mean that something is actually going to finally happen in this movie! Yay! And that something, anticlimactically, is an Alien-looking creature killing the fat security guard for no particular reason. You know, it's a hard life being an extraneous character. That's almost like a death warrant. Carnby and Aline, perhaps too conveniently, find the dead security guard and then they begin running for no particular reason. Luckily for them, a reason arrives as the alien chases them, breaking priceless exhibits along the way. The nerve of that extraterrestrial Philistine. The alien, perhaps looking for some nookie, attacks Aline but Carnby fends it off with a few well-placed rounds . . . and then the government shows up way after the nick of time!

Hmm . . . I sense political commentary here.

With things under control – as they were before they arrived – the government strike force wanders around doing "official" things while Burke directs traffic. All is well for our favorite government agent until he comes face-to-face with Carnby and they have a bit of a scuffle for no reason in particular . . . unless they're both trying to impress Aline. I bet she'd be content to take them both at the same time. Archaeologists like to get freaky. Later, after Carnby takes his leave of Aline, he goes off to visit with his nerdy, cynical buddy from earlier in the film. It seems that he's also an expert forensic scientist, as he's doing an autopsy of the evil taxi driver and, along his spine, he finds a millipede or . . . a TINGLER! Dr. Warren Chapin would be proud.

Sometime later, the scientist, who pretty much shows up whenever he wants to in the film, goes to see Aline at the museum and he kindly apologizes to her for being cranky earlier. Now if he could apologize for this movie, that might make things even better. Of course, after atoning for his earlier actions, the scientist starts bickering with Aline because she's actually doing work instead of being simply eye candy. That'll teach her for pretending to be smart – even though she has those computers to compensate for her lack of brain cells. Oh, and the scientist is also ticked off because the government has the audacity to be guarding Aline as well. I guess he can't sexually harass her now like he used to. Oh well.

Over at the nerdy guy's science lab, Carnby – perhaps unsurprisingly – learns that he has a dead tingler inside of him; meanwhile, at another laboratory, the cranky scientist stabs at a captive alien and then he shoots up some alien-juice heroin. Elsewhere, at the nerdy guy's lab, he provides some techno-babble exposition and then he shows off some wonderfully absurd armaments. He's like a paranormal Q, I suppose. After taking his leave, Carnby gives us another monologue that, once again, tells us pretty much what we've already figured out. Thanks, Carnby.

Later, an exhausted Carnby goes to sleep and then, a few hours after, Aline comes over for a little visit and does stuff in his apartment while Carnby rests. Over at the government offices, Burke broods broodingly. Well . . . how else would he brood? Perhaps in order to break up the brooding monotony, Burke questions paranormal Q regarding his dealings with Carnby and then he gives him a stern talking-to. At the apartment, Aline joins Carnby in bed and then, totally unsurprisingly, they get it on. Elsewhere, paranormal Q's wife makes dinner – quite an odd juxtaposition with the last scene, I must say – and then the scientist shows up to kill her and give paranormal Q a Tingler for himself. Well that was probably unnecessary.

Back at Carnby's apartment, he and a post-coital Aline do random computer stuff probably pretty much just to kill time . . . and then the lights go funny which means – according to paranormal Q – that the aliens are coming! Of course, it's doubly worse for our sexually active heroes as the aliens are accompanied by . . . one of Carnby's zombie orphan buddies! Whoa . . . aliens and zombies? What's next? Vampires? The zombie buddy, of course, brought friends of his own, but Carnby has a little friend tucked away in his floorboards, which he uses to pepper the perpetrators with a furious hail of bullets. Hmm . . . it must be grandfather's arsenal. One of the aliens ends up blowing up but, of course, there's more . . . and then the government shows up, just because. Unsurprisingly, and in that classic Uwe Boll style, a pointless gunfight breaks out – in Carnby's apartment – and then Burke arrives on the scene to argue with Carnby because you know he's just jealous that Carnby got to bang Aline before Burke had a chance. Silly men. Luckily for us, before Carnby and Burke can come to blows, more zombie orphans join the party and then, perhaps to win Burke over to his side, Carnby saves the government agent from an attacking zombie. Shaun would be proud.

After the pointless gunfight subsides, the government troops are rerouted to an abandoned gold mine for no discernable reason. Seriously, it's just a random shift in setting. Sometimes I think these films involve a bunch of random scenes ham-handedly strung together, like the editor used a blender to cut and assemble the movie. It's just a guess. Anyway, along the way to the gold mine, Carnby and Burke kiss and make up – figuratively – and then, once at their destination, some random guy yells exposition to Burke while they trod masculinely. Meanwhile, Carnby wanders around and then, maybe unwisely, Burke and Aline figure out that he's probably up to something so they follow along. You know, this can't end up anything but bad. Carnby, perhaps utilizing his Spidey-sense, leads his compatriots into a very Freudian tunnel; outside, meanwhile, HOT CHICK government troops wave at machine guns while a surfer dude messes with a fuse box. No, really.

Our trio of heroes walks through the mine . . . and walks . . . and walks, until Carnby finds some sort of ritual marker and then another government trooper falls into a well – even though we never see more than just Carnby, Aline, and Burke enter the tunnel to begin with. I guess he caught up pretty much just to meet his doom. Elsewhere, on a wasted plain probably not far from the mine, the scientist lords over his alien hordes while I wonder just what in the world is going on in this movie . . . and just why the movie is titled Alone in the Dark. If anything, it's merely dimly lit. While our heroes make their way down the well in the mine, paranormal Q blows up the surfer dude and the fuse box and then the scientist's alien horde attacks the government troops! Hmm . . . this reminds me of something.

Down in the mine, Aline slips dramatically on the ladder, but – of course – Carnby saves her; unfortunately, some government trooper chick isn't so lucky as an Indiana Jones-influenced falling stone crushes her and then another breaks her leg melodramatically. The heroes don't have time to grieve, though, as they've now discovered an ancient temple in the bowels of the well! Dum-dum-DUM! Meanwhile, outside, one of the aliens jumps on a helicopter and brings it down. In the well, a Tingler attacks the wounded government chick, who convulses and dies . . . melodramatically. I guess she wanted to get her money's worth out of the role. Good for her. After the government chick perishes, the heroes randomly shoot at the dirt in the bottom of the well, as if that would have any effect other than wasting their ammunition. Our heroes aren't too bright. After the ground is sufficiently dead, the heroes find a mysterious brick wall – in an ancient temple, mind you – and they blow it up. Now, personally, I think it might've been a better idea to blow up the rock and get out of there, but I'm not the writer or director so what do I know.

While the government troops wander around topside, the abandoned mine turns into a rainforest for no particular reason. On the surface, some HOT CHICK government agent ends up with her head split open and then the aliens attack the lone surviving trooper. Oh well . . . I guess that's it for the movie. Or not, as the heroes underground find . . . a secret laboratory? Huh? Inside the lab they also find a revelation, specifically Carnby's orphanage cot! Wow . . . isn't it wonderfully convenient that the abandoned gold mine and ancient temple leads to the scientist's secret lair? Like I said . . . editing by Cuisinart. Anyway, unfortunately for Burke, he discovers that, much to his consternation, that the government was actually behind the TINGLERS! Dum-dum-DUM!

Before Burke can turn on his compatriots and join the scientist in his evil plans, Aline finds a mysterious, ancient door which Carnby very nearly unlocks . . . until the scientist attacks! Instead of actually subduing him and getting some exposition and explanation for the ENTIRE FILM, Burke just simply kills the scientist, allowing Carnby free reign to open up the door . . . which leads to the aliens' lair! OK, this is just too confusing at this point. I wave the white flag; unfortunately, perhaps against the Geneva Convention, the movie keeps going. I call that cruel and unusual, personally.

Anyway, the heroes – FINALLY – run away, but, just like any other extraneous character in every other action/horror/sci-fi movie ever made, Burke has to stay behind to heroically blow himself up and seemingly save the day. Meanwhile, Carnby and Aline escape the preposterously rapidly spreading explosion to surface in the front yard of the orphanage. Inside the orphanage, they find the nun dead due to suicide – or at least we think it's suicide – and then we get some artful overhead shots of an empty, evacuated city. In the abandoned city, Carnby and Aline wander around mystified while Carnby gives us another inner monologue that leads us to believe that they're the last two people on Earth . . . or they're stupid enough to think that they're the last two people on Earth. Luckily, for the future of the human race, Carnby and Aline are mysteriously attacked by . . . THE CAMERA! Dum-dum-DUM!

Call me crazy, but I am thankful for Uwe Boll's existence. Over the course of this past year, I've done some terrible films and, sadly, it does get to wear on the psyche. You'd think I'd be burnt out but, a few months ago, I had a realization: the bad films are only there to make you appreciate the good films more. For every House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, and their ilk, there's a Goodnight, And Good Luck or even a Batman Begins that you just treasure more because you know what to compare them against. For that, illogically – perhaps even immorally – I'm grateful for the careers of Uwe Boll and his colleagues and, with BloodRayne in theaters as we speak – I might just have to consider it for Worst Film of 2006, even though it was released in 2005 – it's going to be another good year.

Join me next week as I cover maybe one of the most absurdly bad films ever made. It's had the Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment, but it has yet to be a Misunderstood Masterpiece. See you then!