Warped News 01.05.06: The Official 2006 Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 01.05.2006
My alternate reality where J.Lo is dead, Hollywood doesn’t suck, and babes aplenty. Plus, you get more words like “aplenty”!
Happy New Year dear readers! I hope that you partied like it was 1999, and can recover before it's 2007. I drank quite heavily in a number of exotic drinks and champaign, and feasted on baked enchiladas and finger foods. The next day, I felt like I had the intestinal flu, but believe me, it was worth it.
In my last football update of the season, my beloved Chiefs walloped the Bengals quite thoroughly. Then I watched the Detroit (pronounced in the French, "Day-Twa") Lions get destroyed by the Steelers ground game. Thus, my beloved Chiefs will not make the playoffs…again. It's little comfort that they are only the fourth team in NFL history with 10 wins and not make the playoffs. However, I will be the first to admit that they choked. It was all their fault…that and the referees.
Anywhoo, it's time to go forth with the ultimate exploration of cinematic journalism and dime-store punditry that can only be described as…
All the News, New and Improved
J-Lo dead? Be ok with me…
A planned Jennifer Lopez version of the classic tale Carmen is reportedly being canned - because Hollywood investors don't want to see the actress/singer die at the end of the film. Well, the investors may not want to see it, but I would love it!
Director Taylor Hackford is convinced the film industry is refusing to risk $50 million because it wants to keep J.Lo in her usual lighthearted 'girl-next-door' roles. The venture, inspired by Georges Bizet's enduring opera, would instead turn Lopez into a sultry Spanish temptress who ends up being slain by her jealous lover. How many people are placing bets that it's Ben Affleck?
Hackford tells the New York Daily News, "Studios are so frightened at the moment that they are looking for outside money. There is a great deal of fear in Hollywood. Many of the films are not working (at the box office). (Carmen) is not a sweet, nice girl. This is a piece about a criminal. It has an ending that Hollywood does not like to make."
I'm sorry, but didn't MTV make a rap version of Carmen starring Beyonce? Why would anyone want to see J.Lo in a remake of an opera? That's like listening to monks chant a version of Sense and Sensibility.
However, I would see the film if they kill off J.Lo. It's cathartic.
You're my boy, Blue!
As the wind whispered a slightly off-key version of "Dust In the Wind", veteran character actor Patrick Cranshaw died of natural causes at the age of 86. Cranshaw worked for nearly half a century right up until an appearance in last year's Herbie: Fully Loaded.
He's best known as playing fraternity pledge "Blue" in Old School. He also starred in movies including The Hudsucker Proxy and Best in Show, as well as appearing in TV shows including "CHiPS" and "The Dukes of Hazzard." He passed away at his home in Fort Worth, Texas, and is survived by three children.
Hollywood: The True Hollywood Story
It's a new year, so it's always nice to try new things. This is a new section where I tell the tragic tale of Hollywood's own downward spiral. We're in the midst of the largest box office slump in quite some time…mainly due to the massive amount of crap that's hitting theaters. I see this as the drug abuse/alcoholic phase in any rock star/movie star's life…the phase right before they make a triumphant return. So, basically, this section will chronicle Hollywood's bad choices until it makes it's startling comeback.
According to ComingSoon.com, Jerry Weintraub has brought former Warner Bros. executive Rob Guralnick back to The Lot as his producing partner and president of WB-based Jerry Weintraub Productions. Variety says the move comes as Weintraub gets a script by Brian Koppelman and David Levien for yet another sequel entitled…Ocean's Thirteen.
Weintraub is in the early stages of plotting the third installment of the "franchise" with director Steven Soderbergh and his Section Eight partner George Clooney. The aim is to put the film in production later this year. The production company is also preparing for a January 31 production start on the Andy Fleming-directed Nancy Drew.
Narrator: Hollywood was reeling from it's $210 million box office disaster called King Kong. It needed help, but help never came. Instead, Hollywood turned to it's A-List to come up with a shot in the arm.
Weintraub: "We knew that sequels were getting old, and the third film in a trilogy rarely gets large box office numbers. Plus, we never really thought of Ocean's Eleven as a ‘franchise.' But we were desperate, and we thought that with George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon on board, we couldn't lose."
Narrator: But, lose they did. The third installment of Daniel Ocean's group of mad-cap thieves with high-tech toys pulled in only $7 million in it's first weekend…less than a third of what they projected.
Steven Soderbergh: "What can I say? You can only beat a dead horse for so long before people start noticing the smell. Thank god we were only up against the live-action version of Striperella starring Pamela and Louie Anderson. Otherwise, I may have had to go into porn to make a living."
Narrator: Next week on "Hollywood: The True Hollywood Story", Adam Sandler discovers a startling fact.
Adam Sandler: "I can't believe people got tired of retarded poop jokes."
Guess I'll have to buy the "White" album again…
Studio Briefing reports on the first releases for the new Blu-ray high definition DVDs. Sony Pictures Home Entertainment announced the first 20 titles that it will release include: The Fifth Element, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Desperado, For a Few Dollars More, The Guns of Navarone, Hitch, House of Flying Daggers, A Knight's Tale, Kung Fu Hustle, The Last Waltz, Legends of the Fall, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Robocop, Sense and Sensibility, Stealth, Species, SWAT and XXX. The company also said that, in the future, it plans to release high-definition versions of all movies being put out on conventional DVD. Blu-ray machines will be available in Spring 2006.
Meanwhile, 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment also announced their first line-up of titles for the Blu-ray discs. They include Fantastic Four, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Behind Enemy Lines, Kiss of the Dragon and Ice Age. Hey guys! Let's not go overboard and release, you know, big hits or anything!
Strike the first blow to Blu-ray, which makes Toshiba's HD-DVD technology one step closer to Betamax. However, HD-DVD will be the drive for all Xbox 360s, so it won't go completely belly-up. But, if Toshiba doesn't act soon and get more studios on board, then Xbox will be the only place to get the HD-DVD system…with no movies to play on it.
Shocking headline: Artist takes himself too seriously! News at eleven!
According to WENN, Oscar-winning film director Sam Mendes claims American viewers don't understand his new movie Jarhead as well as Europeans - because they expect war films to be one-sided. Ummmmm, ok?
The movie based on the novel "Jarhead: A Marine's Chronicle of the Gulf War and Other Battles" by Anthony Swofford, focuses on the frivolousness of war, rather than the glory - something Mendes feels Americans don't grasp. Mendes says, "I feel they've understood in Europe. In America, it's like talking about a different movie. Fundamentally, Jarhead disobeys all the laws of American movies, and not just the political laws of American movies right now which demand on some level to tell us which side they're on. In Europe, there's a sense this film comes from the tradition of absurdist war movies about the futility of conflict. It has more in common with Beckett, Sartre and Banuel than it does with Oliver Stone. In America, they assumed I was trying to make an Oliver Stone movie and that I'd failed."
Or maybe you just failed. I don't know what war movies Mendes has seen lately, but almost all of them deal with the futility of conflict. Platoon is out biggest example, but plenty of American war films deal with it. How about Saving Private Ryan? Sure, there's our side and that's it, but it also dealt with the absurdities of war. Causalities of War and Hamburger Hill also dealt with the insanity of fighting in the Vietnam War. Full Metal Jacket took a lot of this to the extreme…and is viewed by many Americans as a film classic. They understood it. They "got it."
If, for some unknown reason, "Americans" didn't quite get Jarhead, maybe Mendes should start looking at himself, instead of blaming his audience.
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. And this week's winner is – FRED DURST.
According to a report by ContactMusic.com, Durst insists he would be an acclaimed film director if his band, Limp Bizkit, hadn't enjoyed so much success. The tattooed idiot is set to direct two upcoming feature-length movies, Life Without Joe and Runt, but he was already in talks with studios before Limp Bizkit were catapulted onto the international stage in 2000. In other words, he thought he could be an auteur before Limp Bizkit got lucky and was pimped to the moon by MTV.
Now that he's "free" to concentrate on working behind the camera (aka Limp sucks and we all know it), Durst is adamant his talent will soon rank him alongside the most respected film-makers in Hollywood history. *muffled laugh*
He says, "While the band was taking off, I was trying to have meetings with movie people and all Limp Bizkit being successful did was hurt me and get in the way of the movie business. They don't take music people seriously. They'll take you serious if they wanna throw you in a film and let you be an actor and cash in on your success while you're hot, and that's not what I wanted to do. I was offered all kinds of cheesy movies that were really successful to direct and I was like, 'I'm not here to make movies like that.' I want to make timeless movies. I want to be beside Martin Scorsese and Wes Anderson and Paul Thomas Anderson and Francis Ford Coppola. I'm a real director."
Awwww, isn't that sweet. He's a deeeee-rec-tor.
For thinking that you're worth anything more than a chocolate starfish, Mr. Durst is the:
Craftsman Professional 1-1/2 hp Professional Dust Collector
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The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Another new segment comes this week to pay tribute to the ever-growing mistakes made by network journalists and 24-hour news networks. This award is to honor the great Bill O'Reilly, who's constant blathering continues to tell us lowly "ham and eggers" what journalism really is. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. We wouldn't know bad journalism without you. *sarcasm included for free*
The international news media in general and cable news networks in particular were left mortified Wednesday morning after their initial reports that the trapped West Virginia miners had been rescued turned out to be false.
According to Studio Briefing, CNN's resident metrosexual ubergod, Anderson Cooper, was updating his hair and a report about the rescue when a woman emerged from the church where the relatives of the miners had been celebrating and interrupted his broadcast. She told Cooper that she had left the church because fights had broken out inside, then, as reported by the TVNewser blog, said, "Only one made it out alive. ... There's eleven that apparently did not make it." Cooper then asked, "Where have you gotten this information?" then, after hearing other family members crying down the road, remarked, "This is unbelievable ... I'm completely stunned." The woman continued, "It's disgraceful. It's awful. But it needs to be known. ... The story needs to change."
MSNBC correspondent Ron Allen sounded "shaky and emotional" as he reported from the church: "They're coming out. They are distraught. One relative is saying there are not a lot of survivors. I need to make sure I can confirm all this." Allen then said that the reporters' source for their initial reports that the miners had been rescued had been the families. On CNN, Cooper asked, "How in God's name did this information get given to family members?" Then Cooper should have asked, "Why didn't we verify this information before broadcasting it all around the globe?"
The Associated Press reported later that the misinformation apparently spread after some family members overheard cell phone calls at the command center indicating that the 12 miners had been found and that rescuers were checking their vital signs. However, confirmation be damned if news networks are going to break a story before anyone else. Just remember, when stuff like this happens, it's all because news networks like CNN and Fox News want to produce TV spots and promos that say "…and we were here first." It doesn't matter if the information is accurate or not, just as long as they get it on the air before all of their competition.
Am I crazy for wanting my news to be factual instead of first?
The good news: No more car crashes for Lindsay Lohan. The bad news: No more car crashes for Lindsay Lohan.
The Governator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, signed into law a new year bill restricting hardcore photographers from harming the public. According to WENN, the bill, which became law on January 1, makes anyone who commits assault in an attempt to get a photograph/video recording liable to pay triple damages and give up profits from the photograph.
Los Angeles Deputy District Attorney Bill Hodgman, who advised Reese Witherspoon when she recently filed charges against an over-zealous paparazzi who ruined a family trip to Disneyland, welcomes the new law. Hodgman urges all celebrities who become victims of ruthless photographers to contact his office. He says, "We encourage them to come to us with their complaints and then co-operate with us in an effort to bring these people to justice."
The paparazzi are getting way out of hand. However, without them, how could we see Jessica Alba preening her semi-naked ass in the sun?
Forget about Spielberg. We have the Aussies!
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oy, oy, oy! Members of the Australian film industry have expressed guarded optimism about plans by an international group of actors, directors, producers and investors to create a new major Australian film studio aimed at producing big budget blockbusters. This sounds a little like the beginnings of another United Artists. For those who are not film historians, United Artists was a studio started by four actors and a director (Mary Pickford, Douglas Fairbanks, Charlie Chaplin, William S. Hart & D.W. Griffith) to produce movies on their own. In today's Hollywood, this would add up to George Clooney, Steven Spielberg, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and Jim Carrey joining forces to start a new studio. UA stayed around until 1989 when it was bought out by MGM and became MGM/UA. One of it's biggest film properties was the Bond franchise.
The Aussie group was assembled by Bangkok-based investment company Mullis Capital Independent, with the goal of raising as much as $100 million for film productions. One of those backing the project, Simon McKeon, executive chairman of the Melbourne office of investment bank Macquarie Bank, told the Australian Associated Press, "A studio in the U.S. is all about sustainability. It's not just revolving around just one film. We have never really done that in this country before. It requires uncompromising focus on the best that the industry has to offer. If we do that, the funds will flow -- and the returns."
Let's hope they learn from Dreamworks' mistakes. This new studio really needs to get off the ground with some high-profile, critically acclaimed productions that draw box office. If they make quality films that are a little off-center, with a marketing department savvy enough to sell it to the American people, they can really make a lot of noise in Hollywood and get other studios to rethink the type of crap they usually make.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "Please Frisk Me" Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Oscar winner Mira Sorvino has a new job as an honorary deputy sheriff in Pennsylvania. Sorvino was sworn in by Lackawanna County Sheriff John Szymanski on Tuesday, and was joined by husband Chris Backus, daughter Mattea and her father Paul Sorvino, who was sworn in as a deputy sheriff by Szymanski 24 years ago. She says, "I have a picture of me as a 14-year-old, when he was sworn in."
Here's a cop I wouldn't mind pulling me over…
From Pimpstick To Pulpit
For more movies news, check out David Hardy's latest Hardywood Hollar.
New to theatres…
Bloodrayne: Our early candidate for Worst Film of 2006.
Hostel: Gee, a bloody horror film. How exciting.
Grandma's Boy: Wait a minute…THIS is the early candidate for Worst Film of 2006.
That's it for the first Warped News of 2006. Tune in next week as I'll give you more boobs, babes, tools and trades. (Not quite sure what that meant, but I'll figure it out by next week)
