The Super Duper Happy News Report 01.06.06
Posted by Ryan Latimer on 01.06.2006
Insert bad Ape-fell-from-the-top-of-the-building joke here
Happy Post New Years to you all. And may you all rot in the ground.
Sorry, I'm just sore about missing the festivities this year – I worked my way through all the year-end hoopla everyone looks forward to all 364 days on the calendar. I didn't get out of my Job From Hell as quickly as I thought I was, and the result was me working 3 out of the four holidays this winter: Christmas Eve, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Bear in mind I have a 3rd shift job, and I was even originally scheduled to work all 4 but managed to wiggle free of Christmas night. C'mon, I needed SOME time to relax, society-important employer or no. At least I got paid double every night. And if I gave a crap about New Year's, I might even be upset.
I'm sure everyone has spent their Christmas gift cards on stuff they actually asked for but didn't get because your family and friends are simpletons. Just me? I went to Best Buy with $90 of credit in my pocket and had quite a selection of DVD TV sets and games to choose from. The "Firefly" DVD set, Batman TAS Vol. 4, Garfield Vol. 5, "Giest" for the GC…I decided to get creative and go with a few things I had on the list and a few oddball selections I happened to see in-store or hear about online. I left with "The Brak Show" Vol. 1, "A Charlie Brown Christmas" CD soundtrack – which WERE NOT the original recording I might add – Seal's Greatest Hits CD, and the golden egg of the lot, "The Legend of Zelda: The Completed Animated Series" on DVD. Bonus.
You may remember this little gem from Friday afternoons on the "Super Mario Bros. Super Show" from 1989, sadly not yet on DVD I found out. After viewing the set, which came with live action segments from SMBSS as extras, I can comfortably say time has NOT been kind to this one. I mean, man alive. I could say the show as a whole is cheesy, childish, petty and sloppier than a Mamwich lunch at a elementary school cafeteria, but that would be insulting to cheesy, childish, petty, sloppy Mamwich nights at an elementary school cafeteria. Of course I was satisfied with it. And may I say Captain Lou Albano was born to play Super Mario, and Link is a whiny bitch.
Caught a couple of films as well, but this intro has filled enough space as is, so I can always throw it into the discussion pile for next week. Although you can tell by my "Firefly" mention I saw "Serenity" and enjoyed it, but full mini-review to come next bedtime story, kids. And regarding "The Brak Show," I believe I'll be naming my kid Thundercleese.
Caution: News portion may suck. Most recent movie buzz has either been reported by our fine 411 staff writers or would be considered filler for even The New York Times. I know I'm going to get mail for that one.
Headlines
"Sony Releases ‘Robocop – Super Deluxe Special Extended Collector's Edition'"
Sony Pictures Home Entertainment on Tuesday announced the first 20 titles that it will release in high definition for its Blu-ray Disc system. They will be released as soon as the first Blu-ray players hit the market in the spring. Among the titles are The Fifth Element, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Desperado, For a Few Dollars More, The Guns of Navarone, Hitch, House of Flying Daggers, A Knight's Tale, Kung Fu Hustle, The Last Waltz, Legends of the Fall, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Robocop, Sense and Sensibility, Stealth, Species, SWAT and XXX. The company also said that, in the future, it plans to release high-definition versions of all movies being put out on conventional DVD. Meanwhile, 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment said today that it, too, plans to release 20 films in the Blu-ray format this spring. The films, it said, will include Fantastic Four, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Behind Enemy Lines, Kiss of the Drago and Ice Age. In a statement company president Mike Dunn said, "The release of our films on Blu-ray will provide consumers with in-home entertainment beyond anything they have imagined." IMDB
Well it's good to know we will all soon have to update the libraries we have spent 7 years building. Yes, I know it was coming sooner or later in the interest of technology and we don't necessarily have to replace every movie we've ever purchased, but allow me to say goodbye to my money in peace without judgment.
Honestly, I'm looking forward to the new medium. If shelling out a few extra bucks (what *will* they cost, anyway?) to get better resolution and noise when Robocop gets shot to death in the opening action sequence, then go nuts. Although I do wonder what number of editions this makes for the movie as well as others (753 if I added correctly), another element that irks me to no end even now. "Hey look, the 45th edition of ‘Army of Darkness' has a new audio commentary by Bruce Campbell's stunt double as well as an added deleted scene of Ash saying ‘groovy' again. Where's my wallet?"
No offense to you, Mr. Ash. Can I get you a Coke, sir?
"Golden Globes Hires Carrot Top for 2007 Hosting Duties"
As the clock ticks ever closer to the 78th Annual Academy Awards on March 5, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has finally found a host in Jon Stewart. Sources confirmed Stewart's selection, which was reported Wednesday evening by the Los Angeles Times' Oscar watch site, theenvelope.latimes.com. An Academy spokesman declined comment. The assignment would represent the first Oscar-hosting spot for Stewart, who headlines Comedy Central's "The Daily Show." Stewart does have black-tie experience, though, having hosted the Grammy Awards in 2001 and 2002. HOLLYWOOD REPORTER
Thank the Lord I hardly ever watch this show. John f'n Stewart? That guy on all 17-year-old society rebels watch on the "Daily Show" while they toke up? That stoner guy from "Half Baked?" Ok, he was pretty good in that. But c'mon, they tired this attract-new-younger-hipper-audience thing last year with Chris Rock, and the ratings sucked. I suppose they think if they just get Stewart to stand there and look pretty with his little chin eating grin and wind tunnel-proof hair for 3 hours on stage they might get lucky. Do I sound bitter. I'm not.
I've got an idea for the Oscars. Since they appear to have this newfound fondness of childish, self-stroking know-it-all comedians for hosts, they might as well get it all out of their systems now, fast forward 5 years in the future and hire Al Franken. I hear he's a laugh riot hoot, especially when he reads one of his books.
Or, you know, they could always go with this guy again…
"Letterman Recruits Search Party for Missing Milk Bottle"
TV funnyman David Letterman traded punches with Fox News Channel yakmeister Bill O'Reilly on CBS's "Late Show" Tuesday night — taking O'Reilly to task for supporting the Iraq war in an acrimonious exchange that departed from the usual lovefest between the gap-toothed host and his guests. The normally easygoing Letterman stunned O'Reilly — and viewers — when he got into the bruising back-and-forth that stood in contrast to the usual late-night comedy chit-chat. "I have a feeling that 60 percent of what you say is crap," Letterman blasted… NEW YORK POST
Not movies, I know, but this has to be the best 2 cents I'll spend in months.
I caught the Letterman-O'Reilly faceoff by total accident on Tuesday while flipping channels, and boy howdy am I glad I had that remote with me. Anyone who knows me is aware of a few things regarding my political and humor tastes. I'm non-partisan but lean slightly right, I watch Bill O'Reilly even though he comes off foolish at times and I don't always agree with him (the entire point), and much prefer Leno over Letterman's arrogant hide. This was win-win, a perfect example of how I love Hollywood in the entertainment sense but resent the heck out of them on personal levels. Obviously, I lump Letterman in the Hollywood Wackos column even though he isn't really a movie star. He just assists the leftist, self-ego massage they give themselves.
I will go into further detail on my blog considering it's not related to the Report, but I just wanted to encourage everyone to check it out. I know some of you consider it to be cruel and unusual punishment to your computers, but you can check out the video on billoreilly.com. You've done worse to your motherboards. Ann Coulter and Michael Moore have sites, too.
"Box Office: B.O. With More Letters"
Despite a box-office surge in December thanks to the success of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and King Kong, total revenue for the year is expected to fall below $9 billion for the first time since 2001 and finish 5 percent below last year's total, with attendance down 6 percent, the Associated Press reported Sunday. The wire service said that the drop was the largest in 20 years. In Europe, the drop was even more severe. The German publication Deutsche Welle reported Sunday that the box office was down a whopping 20 percent in Germany and 10 percent in France, Spain and Italy. However, it said, ticket sales in the U.K. were about the same or slightly higher than in 2004, thanks in large part to a heavy output of locally produced movies. IMDB
We may have something here. Maybe this has been out problem the entire time, the notion that the phrase "less is more" is outdated. It seems to me – and I could be totally wrong on this – that almost every movie that comes out nowadays wants to set itself up as this epic blockbuster capable of rolling in wads of cash. The bar is set that much higher for its success, more money is spent to produce and promote it, the risk shoots up as a result and everyone ends up getting stung in the end.
I mean, really, did "The Island" need a $125 million budget for what we got? Despite its success, did "Hitch" necessitate $70 million? Has anyone ever heard of the "Saw" movies, a series that cost a combined amount of $5 million to make and grossed over $100 mill? Horror films aren't the only ones capable of being financially smart. If less people are going to go to the movies, it's simply time to manage our funds better. This isn't the 90s anymore. Problem solved. Send my check in the mail.
In this current climate, less is certainly more. Just ask the Brits.
"Director Vows Never to Make Film Based on 1972 Munich Murders"
Steven Spielberg has played down rumors he is planning to remake Mary Poppins. The Saving Private Ryan director was linked to the project by Sir Richard Eyre, the director of the London stage show of Mary Poppins. He said, "Spielberg wants to make a new film of Mary Poppins and we've talked about it a lot. "It will be hard to outdo the original but kids love the story and I'm sure that the remake will be a real success." But Spielberg's representative Marvin Levy counters, "I never heard of this and couldn't imagine Steven ever doing a remake of a classic - and a (Walt Disney) classic at that. "There's a Broadway show from Disney but nothing involving us in any way." IMDB
Yeah, I can't imagine Speilberg doing a remake of a classic either.
Except "War of the Worlds." Or a Peter Pan movie. Or whore out "Indiana Jones." Besides that, I can't imagine. Where does this guy get his representation?
The (Last) Week in Box Office
1. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (2005)
$32.8M $225M
2. King Kong (2005)
$31.6M $174M
3. Fun with Dick and Jane (2005)
$21M $64.6M
4. Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (2005)
$19.3M $55.1M
5. Rumor Has It... (2005)
$11.6M $26.7M
Eeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr…BOOM! Well, I knew that tower was going to fall sooner or later.
Ok, so that's a bit harsh. "Kong" is still working it's way up slowly but surely – a tactic even the current King "Titanic" used to hit $600 million domestically – and it could still reach the sky if it stays strong. The White Witch is really giving the ape a hard time, though. Cut him some slack, whore.
"Dick and Jane" is doing relatively well with the top competition still raking up most of the revenue, so like it or not Jim Carrey still has a comedy career. That's fine with me Carrey, but so help me Bob if you go and do "The Cable Guy 2" I will burn my copy of "The Truman Show" where I stand. I don't care if it's carpet. The holiday weekend was so strong even "Cheaper" made $20 million. Yeah, yeah, I know – "family" time, and kids can't sit through a 3-hour plus ape movie. Sissies.
Smash it or Trash It
Opening today:
- Hostel
- Grandma's Boy
- Bloodrayne
- The Gathering
We call this a Fun Bag. Or for some, Sloppy Seconds. To many, leftover Christmas garbage. To those such people, if you can watch a preview for "Grandma's Boy" and say with a straight face you have not even one inkling of interest in seeing it – even if it does end up sucking - you are either lying or are of a higher lifeform not yet documented by us lowly human scum.
"Hostel" is going to be a tuffie for me. I'm a longtime horror fan desperate for any semblance of originality or excitement in this dry era of scare, yet I despise, what I like to call, "gutter horror." Without spending an essay's worth of time and screen space explaining my odd fandom, I think I can explain in two short sentences: The "Saw" series, 2004's "Dawn of the Dead," "Stigmata," "The Relic," "Resident Evil," "The Exorcism of Emily Rose": Good. "House of 1,000 Corpses," "The Devil's Rejects," "High Tension," early Peter Jackson work: Bad. You can all discuss amongst yourselves. Although I know I'm going to get a LOT of mail for that one. "Hostel" could go either way. If it's just an excuse to shed blood, spill intestines and knock off as many ‘f' words as humanly possible, I'm gone. If it actually cares about creating a story, characters and most importantly, mood and style, I'll add it to my first list.
Before you ask, no, "Bloodrayne" doesn't belong on the second list. It doesn't belong on any list.
Box Office: "Kong" and "Narnia" will stay put up top. I'll go with "Narnia."
Say What?
This little portion of the column is a movie quote/trivia contest for the readers. The first five people to email me with the correct answer get to be important with me by having their names and locations posted. Be a winner. Be important.
Last week's quote and trivia winners (Answer: "Lean on Me," Trey Parker)
- Arnie Heitz, Eugene, OR
- Alan Baker, Maine
I had a bit of a problem with my email service recently and as a result my information on last week's trivia is sketchy to put it nicely. I solved this problem by just combining all the winners from both (who didn't necessarily score both the quote and trivia questions) into one column this week. I screwed up. Sue me.
"Lean on Me" has been a personal favorite of mine light years prior to me actually becoming a film nut, and it has the honor of introducing me to a little unknown actor who played the lead role of Joe Clarke. The name escapes me at the moment. I think he played God in "Bruce Almighty." Might have also been in that prison film with Tim Robbins as an Irish guy. I'm sure I'll think of it soon enough.
On trivia, "South Park"'s Trey Parker was offered the director's chair for the Jon Lovitz's comedy "High School High," but turned it down despite being a complete unknown at the time. I know there is likely a truckload worth of jokes regarding Parker not even starting a career had he helmmed the project, but to tell you the truth I think it would have been an adequate beginner's point for a newbie filmmaker. I've seen worse comedies, and it's not like Parker was doing anything particularly worthwhile at the time anyway. Well, except "Orgazmo," but that's a whole ‘nuther bag of beans. Ah, it's not like Parker is kicking himself for that decision – too busy bathing in $1000 bills.
I will give credit to one reader who gave the answer "Barney's Great Adventure," which was technically correct, something I was not aware of at the time. The 1998 movie was reportedly offered to Parker (why???) but he was occupied with starting up "South Park," another decision I'm sure he's not hanging himself for. So technically, despite the film being released in 1998, when it was offered to him he was still a nobody, so give yourself a pat on the back.
Know-it-all.
Give me a round of trivia for table 3….
Trivia Question: Jim Carrey was originally attached to star in this comedy and even contributed to the script before pulling out. Ben Stiller took his place.
Trivia Question: Halle Berry has had quite a few hospital visits while filming a few of her movies in recent years. Name three of her injuries and what movie she was filming at the time.
I'm just now making the job transition as well as moving into a new place very soon, so don't be surprised if a Friday goes by this month where your humble web writer is absent to class. Now if you'll excuse me, I have 15 years of my life to mentally erase. You need to do that sort of thing prior to watching bad cartoons you used to enjoy when you had a recess period in school.
