Misunderstood Masterpieces: Future War

Posted by Will Helm on 01.10.2006

…or, How Could You Go Wrong with Cyborgs AND Dinosaurs?

OK, somewhere I probably said that I would try and avoid doing movies already covered by Mystery Science Theater 3000 but, since I've never seen this particular episode, it's fair game to me. So there.

Throughout the history of movies, there have been certain elements or situations which can simply be called "cool." In this column alone, we've had gangs; fast cars; and – most significantly – sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. When it comes to what is considered "cool," usually the genre to look to is sci-fi. For the modern moviegoer, particularly the young male, there are few things cooler than robots, lasers, spacecraft, strange creatures, and naked breasts. Unfortunately, one of those things – particularly in sci-fi movies – is not like the others. I'll wait for you to figure out which one.

Anyway, someone must have thought it might be a good idea to combine two of the cooler sci-fi elements out there in one film. While the intent may have been wise, the follow-through is not so much because what we are left with is 1997's Future War. On the surface, all seems well, as Future War brings together the disparate elements of the cyborg and the dinosaur into one film. It's like two great cinematic tastes that taste great together. Under that aforementioned surface, however, things aren't quite what they seem, as the film was shot – twice (more on that later) – for less than a shoestring budget and featured as its lead actor B-grade action star Daniel Bernhardt, who gives the appearance of Jean-Claude Van Damme's younger, odder brother. He's like the Don Swayze to Van Damme's Patrick Swayze. Anyway, with a low budget, few-to-no stars, and a plot that has to somehow shoehorn cyborgs and dinosaurs together, is it any wonder Future War would end up a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Read on if you don't believe it worthy . . .

In a warehouse, three people wander around aimlessly. Perhaps either to increase the suspense or because the microphones were awful, the echo is astounding in the ersatz industrial maze . . . at least some of the time. To get away from the disorienting reverb, the trio climbs down a ladder; somewhere off-screen, someone plays variations on the theme of "Tubular Bells." Ooh . . . scary. One of the trio, a skinny white guy, nearly falls into an oddly placed pit, but his compatriots – a skinny white girl and a fat black guy – rescue him in the nick of time. After the skinny white guy is dragged to safety, some girl mumbles a monologue explaining that a mysterious man and some dinosaurs came into her life recently. Hmm . . . I wonder if this mysterious man was carrying lysergic acid diethylamide at the time, because that would explain how the dinosaurs got there.

Surprisingly, the movie proves my musings incorrect as, after more cursory wandering, the trio comes upon a gathering of dinosaurs! Well, color me surprised. The trio of – presumably – heroes runs away and then, on the other side of the aforementioned oddly placed pit, they safely have the room to shoot one of the terribly fake rubber dinosaurs so that it falls clumsily into the pit. Weep not for the dinosaur; he's in a better place . . . making crude petroleum for the planet. As the heroes run away more – the dinosaurs somehow having learned to navigate around the oddly placed pit – they climb back up the ladder safely . . . except for the fat black guy, who lets go for no particular reason and then is eaten by the dinosaurs. Whoops.

Meanwhile, in space – yes, in space – a very plastic-looking spaceship moves slowly across the screen. It seems, oddly, to be deserted as well. You know, there's nothing more exciting than an empty spaceship! Or not. Then again, even though the ship seems to be sans crew, somehow an alarm is set off and, surprisingly, the once-absent crew ends up dead . . . and they're cyborgs! Dum-dum-DUM! While chaos is breaking out all around him, some unidentified guy boards an escape pod which jettisons from the ship and flies away very slowly until it gets to Earth. Once on the inhabited, terrestrial planet, the escape pod hauls ass over the ocean and the land – even though it was going so slow outside of the atmosphere.

On Earth, Jesus – or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof – waits on a beach under a tarp . . . and then the expository sci-fi scroll starts rolling! Wait . . . this is like ten minutes into the movie. Now they're taking time to explain things? It's either a breach of sci-fi etiquette or a new, artsy direction for the genre. I'm voting for the former, personally. Anyway, according to the scrawl, cyborgs from the future went back to the past to kidnap dinosaurs to serve as – essentially – guard dogs and then they went ahead a few years to abscond humans to serve as their slaves. Now, why they couldn't train the dinosaurs to be slaves and knock out a step is beyond me, but I guess cyborgs aren't ones for efficiency. After the scrawl and – oddly enough – the title card, we're sent back to the action, but with the textual reminder that what we see going on is "four days before." "Four days before"? "Four days before" what, exactly? Is this "four days before" the trio in the warehouse doing their thing or before everything we've seen before the title card? Not even fifteen minutes in and already the internal logic is confounding. Thank you, movie.

Anyway, on the beach – Jesus' beach to be specific – some guy washes ashore and, disorientingly, bad camerawork is chasing him. Not only that, a cyborg is following the mysterious runaway (Bernhardt) and the cyborg unceremoniously kills fake Jesus! You sacrilegious, half-robot bastard! In addition to the runaway and the cyborg, there's also a fake plastic dinosaur there too, which the cyborg releases into the wild. Ah, I guess it's one of those repopulation programs to renew a nearly extinct species. It's nice to see the cyborgs doing something for the environment. Meanwhile, in an unspecified city, a gnarly bum does stuff next to his dumpster and drinks heartily. Before the bum can resign himself to another day wallowing in his own filth, the runaway stumbles into him and freaks him out melodramatically. Seriously, all this scene comprises is the runaway and the bum screaming at each other at the tops of their respective lungs. Oh, and then the runaway unceremoniously breaks the bum's bottle of hooch for no particular reason before running away once more. I'd say that is his particular idiom.

While the runaway attempts to get out of Dodge in a hurry, the fake plastic dinosaur eats the bum for no discernable reason. I'd have to say that's probably one of the worst days in bum history; never before has a bum had some freaky skinny guy break his bottle of rotgut and then get mauled by a dinosaur. Anyway, before the dinosaur can ingest any more transients and streetwalkers, the runaway stabs it and then, in one of those preposterous scenes only possible in low-rent sci-fi movies, the dinosaur explodes!

The runaway doesn't have time to celebrate, however, as the cyborg that followed him ashore (Kazja, who I'm not particularly goo-goo about) catches up with our skinny hero in a parking lot full of empty cardboard boxes. The runaway and the cyborg scuffle for a bit – although it doesn't seem like either of them are too pleased with the situation – and then the runaway escapes for a spell, leaving the cyborg to wander around. After some aimless meandering, the cyborg catches up with the runaway and throws him into a warehouse . . . full of empty cardboard boxes. Hmm . . . I'm sensing a theme here. There, once inside the confines of the storage building, the runaway and the cyborg fight melodramatically and the cyborg, perhaps having a malfunction in his verbal actualizer, yells when the runaway hits him. Then again, this may have been a signal to the runaway that he's found the cyborg's weak spot, so our hero kicks the half-robot villain into a pile of empty boxes and, apparently, sound effects. I never knew that kicking a cyborg would result in a car-accident sound, but now I know. After defeating the villainous cyborg, the runaway finds a refrigerated room within the confines of the warehouse and, inside the freezing room, a fake plastic dinosaur finds the runaway! Of course, as we've already learned, the dinosaurs are no match for the runaway, so he kills this one with ease and, as before, it blows up.

The runaway, finally free of his pursuers, triumphantly exits the back entrance – or the front entrance; it's not really clear which side it is – of the warehouse . . . only to be run over by a nun (Travis Brooks Stewart, who probably won a few Staci Keanan look-alike contests in her day). Man, that's really a lame way for the runaway to go out: he beats a cyborg and two fake plastic dinosaurs and then he's done in by a woman of God. Poor guy. Luckily for the runaway, the nun – in her remarkably short habit – takes pity on his broken form and she takes him back to her house . . . which doesn't have another nun in sight. Hmm . . . perhaps she's not a nun at all, then; maybe she's just crazy and thinks she's a nun. That'd be an interesting twist to the story, I must admit. Meanwhile, back in the alley from earlier in the picture, a cop named Capt. Polaris (Ray Adash) – who must've left superheroing for the police force because the pay was better – investigates the murder of the bum. Some young female cop says that a mountain lion did it, but Capt. Polaris is suspicious of the random burn marks on the ground, which we all know were caused by exploding fake plastic dinosaurs. Of course, Capt. Polaris may simply think that they were caused by exploding fake plastic mountain lions . . . but he'd be wrong. I think that's called "dramatic irony."

Back at the nun's house, she sits down to a cup of coffee and a warm plate of sass from her buddy the fat black guy (Andre Scruggs). After he gives her what-for, they then share a tender moment for no reason in particular. OK . . . now, more and more, I'm starting to think that she thinks she's a not nun. Meanwhile, upstairs, some old crone tends to the runaway's wounds in a scene that really doesn't do anything except kill time. Downstairs, in the kitchen, the solution to the nun's mystery is solved as she confesses to the fat black guy that she's having an identity crisis, as she's very doubtful of her faithfulness to the clerical life. Uh-oh . . . I hope that doesn't mean that she wants to get it on with the runaway. The only thing that can happen from that is that she'll get pregnant and it'll turn out to be the runaway's great-grandfather or something like that. The world doesn't need an incestuous temporal loop. Luckily for us, before an odd heretical subtext can break out, the fat black guy gives the nun a stern talkin' to and then, maybe to hammer home the point I just made, some random kid shows up to botch his lines but look cute in the process.

After the pointless melodrama, the nun finally has a breakthrough and reveals to all that she used to be a junkie hooker and, predictably, she feels bad about it. I bet she didn't say "I want to be a junkie when I grow up," though. Then again, she probably didn't say "I want to be a self-loathing nun when I grow up" either. Meanwhile, perhaps as a dramatic juxtaposition, at the moment of the nun's revelation, the runaway awakens! The nun, perhaps wishing to go on a journey of self-discovery, wants to leave the house, but she's guilt-tripped into taking care of the runaway before she goes. Perhaps she isn't the best caretaker, though, as – while the runaway plays with an old radio – she brings him some food and then all the other people in the house – pretty much the fat black guy and a guy who looks like a spry Vincent "Don Vito" Margera – stand around and laugh at him. Call me skeptical of modern psychology, but I don't think that's a constructive method of therapy.

After the fat black guy and Don Vito try to make small talk, the nun shoos them away so that she can try to break through to the runaway one-on-one. Umm . . . I really don't like the direction this seems to be headed. After a few minutes of the nun patronizing the runaway with some simple questions and skepticism, she then produces his studded collar – which the old crone lifted off of the runaway in the aforementioned time-killing scene – which elicits a violent reaction from the runaway! Luckily for her, she makes a brilliant deduction about the use of the collar while the runaway has her pinned to the wall by her throat to help his point. After he releases his hold, the nun patronizes the runaway with more questions, this time about a map and where he's from. The runaway, not quite able to verbalize his backstory, simply grunts and smashes a television. Geez . . . even escaped refugees from a vague sci-fi background can be critics of broadcast content, I guess.

Later that evening, the nun once again threatens to leave but, before she can get out of there and into a presumably better movie, the runaway attempts to describe his extraterrestrial origins to her. She's still skeptical but, perhaps to convince her further, moments later a fake plastic dinosaur smashes through the window! The dinosaur, on the hunt for the runaway, knocks down a dummy standing in for fake Don Vito and then the fat black guy – who has a shotgun for undisclosed reasons – shoots at it. Wisely, if perhaps a bit selfishly, the runaway and the nun leave hastily, abandoning her friends to their certain doom. Oh well; at least they'll have died in her good graces. She is a bride of Christ, after all.

The runaway and the nun, instead of doubling back to destroy the fake plastic dinosaur – since they are only susceptible to the runaway's attacks – board a train headed to parts unknown. While in a rickety boxcar, the nun shares some beef jerky with the runaway and then he explains his backstory to her. In short, he's a slave or, as he puts it, a "tool." Well, he's got that last part right. After revealing that the reason the cyborgs need human slaves is because they have no thumbs – huh? – the runaway shocks the nun by, preposterously, quoting the Bible. The nun, taken aback by the runaway's piety, bonds with her newfound compatriot over random chapters and verses. Aww . . . isn't that sweet?

The nun, perhaps emboldened by the runaway's religious zeal, flashes back – or forward; it's not quite clear which – to her convent, where she looks through her sentimental hooker scrapbook. After the nun reminisces of her salad days on the street, she has a chat with her superior, who has an annoyingly crooked wimple. The nun has misgivings regarding her desired station in life, but the superior, who is crotchety but understanding, gives the nun some time off from her novitiate duties; I do hope that doesn't mean that now she has license to get it on with the runaway. Suspiciously, the next scene is of the nun and the runaway returning home – somehow – and the nun reveals to her newfound friend that she doesn't know what to do about the odd predicament she's in because she is, by nature, a loner. There's no word, however, on whether or not she's a rebel or if there's things about her that the runaway couldn't, wouldn't, or shouldn't understand. Pee Wee Herman would be proud, then. The runaway, once again, uses the Bible against her, thwarting her arguments. It's sad when the extraterrestrial slave is more pious than the cleric.

Later, the nun calls an unlisted number for some undisclosed reason and then she yells at the runaway, who says that he wants to "be a man." Huh? Please don't get it on with her, runaway. Elsewhere, in a city park, some old guy reads Scary Monsters magazine and then a fake plastic dinosaur eats him. Thanks for showing up to the shoot, old guy . . . now take your paycheck and leave. Meanwhile, at a police briefing, Capt. Polaris readies his troops and reveals that they may be dealing with wild animals . . . wild, sentient animals. Little does he know that they're really . . . fake plastic dinosaurs! Dum-dum-DUM! Anyway, while the runaway and the nun are back to doing what they do best – wandering aimlessly and, now, bickering over the Bible – a fake plastic dinosaur eats some kids, so the police arrest the nun and the runaway for no particular reason. Logic? What's logic?

Meanwhile, at yet another warehouse where the fake plastic dinosaurs have a group of nervous workers trapped within, a fake reporter and his cameraman – armed with a cardboard box with a lens attached to the front – show up to cover the news. Capt. Polaris, on the scene, sends a lowly SWAT guy into the building but the fake plastic dinosaurs eat him. Doesn't Capt. Polaris know that their guns are useless against the fake plastic dinosaurs? Only the runaway can foil them! After it's pretty clear that the first SWAT guy is dead, Capt. Polaris, a horde of other SWAT officers, the runaway, and the nun all enter the warehouse since it's so safe. After the good guys inspect a bevy of carnage that used to be the first SWAT guy and the warehouse workers, another fake plastic dinosaur attacks; this time, luckily for the troops, the runaway is there to destroy the monster . . . and then get arrested for his troubles. I guess fake plastic dinosaurs are a protected species under state law.

While under lock and key in jail, the runaway slowly strips and does tai chi while having flashbacks to earlier in the film. Meanwhile, the nun and the fat black guy sulk in a car for no particular reason. Once again in space, footage recycled from the beginning of the film flies by. Later, the nun, showing unbelievable clout among the urban blight, convenes a gang summit; a fat hoodie is skeptical to the proceedings, but the nun mollifies his misgivings by informing him that there are – and I quote directly – "monsters in the hood." Yup.

Back at the police station, the runaway has a little meeting with Capt. Polaris and a court-appointed psychologist. Before Capt. Polaris can finally get to the bottom of just what is going on in his town, some seedy government agents show up to take the case off of his hands, much to Capt. Polaris' chagrin. After the seedy government agents relieve Capt. Polaris of his duty, some even seedier guy shows up to interrogate the runaway himself. While the even seedier guy questions the runaway, some of his stooges slowly pry a tracking device from the runaway's back and have it sent to an adjacent lab for testing. While the scientists in the lab do scientific things, they have a visit from another, bigger cyborg (Robert Z'Dar). The cyborg, not content to truly discern just who's guilty and who's innocent in the room, simply kills everyone, including a few random lab technicians and a couple cops who happen to have REALLY bad aim. Somehow, in the melee, the runaway kills yet another fake plastic dinosaur and then escapes.

Meanwhile, at the inner-city planning session, the gangs bicker but the nun – once again – makes peace. Unfortunately, all present at the meeting seem to be at loggerheads about what to do about the fake plastic dinosaurs until, conveniently, the runaway shows up with a vital clue! Later, the runaway and the nun, for no reason in particular, head on over to the fake plastic dinosaurs' hideout and then they . . . taunt one of the fake plastic dinosaurs. Something tells me they're not the best strategists around. Luckily, our heroes commandeer a pickup truck and drive off before they can be eaten by a fake plastic dinosaur, which would certainly end this movie on a down note. Then again, I'll take any ending at this point, just as long as it comes quickly.

After successfully making the fake plastic dinosaurs cross with their mission to antagonize them, the nun then plans a few illegal arms deals to help in her and her compatriots' quest to thwart the creatures. Something tells me that she belongs to Our Lady of Machiavelli parish; it's just a hunch. In order to hasten her plan, the nun – with the runaway by her side – does a little bit of business with some guy and his awesome porno moustache who has some cash and heroin for the nun. Whoa. Something tells me that this is going above and beyond her vows . . . unless they do want us to remember that she isn't really a total nun yet. After the transaction is completed, the nun, the runaway, and their ragtag group of allies have one last planning session while someone plays variations on the theme of "Tubular Bells" again. Hmm . . . that's odd.

Of course, it's not really that odd, as our heroes wander through a strangely familiar warehouse once again . . . which can only mean that we're back at the beginning of the movie! Whoa . . . I hope I'm not stuck in a temporal loop or anything. That'd be bad. Luckily, this time things are a little different as, while the original trio reprises their actions from earlier in the film, the rest of the crew sets up lame traps to spring upon the unsuspecting fake plastic dinosaurs. Oh, and just to hammer home that we're dealing with the World's Most Heavily Armed Nun, there's also been a bomb planted at the entrance to the fake plastic dinosaurs' hideout/warehouse.

Anyway, the scene pretty much plays out just in the beginning of the movie, as the runaway nearly falls down a pit, and then the fat black guy shoots a fake plastic dinosaur before tragically throwing himself off of a ladder to be eaten by the remaining fake plastic dinosaurs. After the fat black guy's untimely – but alluded to – death, things take a turn for the good as the gangs' traps are sprung in succession, leading to the demise of a fake plastic dinosaur via choking on a swinging barbell. You know, if I had a pen and paper, I'd diagram it for you, but you'll just have to take my word for it for the time being. After another fake plastic dinosaur eats a Green Beret, vengeance is swift against it as the hoodies drop a chain-link fence onto it and then they electrocute it. Deep within the bowels of the hideout/warehouse, the runaway fights the other, bigger cyborg and subdues him enough to allow the rest of the gang – and the runaway hot on their trail – to escape before the bomb seals up the last surviving fake plastic dinosaur. PETA is going to be pissed.

Sometime later, the nun gets . . . nunned and yet she's still reluctant; luckily for us, she finally goes through with it and becomes a full-blown cleric. Before there can be any rejoicing, the other, bigger cyborg shows up once more to wreak havoc on the cheesy church set! Luckily, the runaway is there to fend off the cyborg and his interstellar sacrilege, so he and the cyborg fight . . . just like we've seen countless other times in the movie. After a brief but tense scuffle, the runaway puts his studded collar on the bigger cyborg and then, for reasons unexplained to us, the cyborg bursts into flames. In the aftermath, the runaway is beat up and sad, but the nun tends to his wounds while he quotes the Bible again; he later recovers enough to become a social worker and the nun has a newspaper clipping – featuring an action shot from the movie as its photograph – about it in her hooker scrapbook. Weird. Just weird.

While some films have no excuse for being bad, Future War can claim to be the best product of a bad situation. Earlier in the column, when I said that the film was actually shot "twice," that wasn't necessarily an exaggeration. You see, the legacy of Future War is that, supposedly, the first cut of the film – completed in the early 1990s, which would explain the preponderance of flannel and ripped denim . . . it looks like a Nirvana video most of the time – was so bad that the producers went back and redid the movie, trying to make something out of all the incomprehensible footage. Now, whether or not they were successful in their creative vision remains a mystery, but Future War can certainly be called a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as we learn just how boring the suburbs can be with the help of a very young Matt Dillon; see you then!