Warped News 01.12.06: The Celebrity Sex Tape Season Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 01.12.2006
My tried and true methods to make Hollywood not suck. Plus boobies, the softer side of Apache Chief, and more boobies.
Welcome back to the second of many 2006 editions of your favorite Thursday pleasure…and for some of you, that's literal…Warped News. I'll be your humble narrator today, giving you all the dish on the seedier and stupider side of Hollywood.
I'm starting my diet this week. Basically, I'm eating more salad and reducing my portions. Plus, I'm eating less frozen pizza and hamburger helper. I figure I'd call it the "Should Be Common Sense" diet. I could sell it to Hollywood actress for a couple of thousand dollars every week and be their trainer. For that much moolah, I'd even let them use my finger to purge. Anyway, since the Chiefs aren't playing anymore, and I'm trying to figure out what to do when football goes away for 7 months, I think it's time to move on to that glorious bit of diatribe that infuses lengthy, good-natured debate, with a tabloid sense of decency. It's a little slice of Heaven I like to call…
All the News, New and Improved
How E! gets the juicy stuff for their True Hollywood Stories…
In what may be shaping up to become the top Hollywood scandal of the year, the former wife of actor David Carradine and a veteran Beverly Hills police officer have pleaded guilty to lying to a grand jury about alleged wiretapping practices by private-eye-to-the-stars Anthony Pellicano.
According to reports by Studio Briefing, Sandra Carradine pleaded guilty to perjury charges last Friday, admitting that she lied to a grand jury about hiring Pellicano to tap her ex-husband's telephone. Officials also said that Beverly Hills Police Department veteran Craig Stevens pleaded guilty to charges that he lied when he denied to FBI investigators that he illegally accessed state and federal law-enforcement databases to supply information about Hollywood celebrities to Pellicano. Stevens resigned from the BHPD on Friday. Both Carradine and Stevens are expected to cooperate with investigators in hopes of receiving lighter sentences.
This will get interesting. If the screws get pressed to Pellicano, he can offer up a lot of testimony about who hired him to get the dirt on Hollywood celebrities…and the answer won't be pretty. I'm sure a few studio heads, some tabloids, a network or two, and maybe even a few celebrities will get caught up in the wake of this. Meanwhile, security agencies will be raking in the dough offering counter-surveillance services to the rich and famous.
Hollywood: The True Hollywood Story
This is the continuing section where I tell the tragic tale of Hollywood's own downward spiral. We're in the midst of the largest box office slump in quite some time…mainly due to the massive amount of crap that's hitting theaters. I see this as the drug abuse/alcoholic/bulimic phase in any rock star/movie star's life…the phase right before they make a triumphant return. So, basically, this section will chronicle Hollywood's bad choices until it makes it's startling comeback.
OK! Magazine reports that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck will team up again to remake the 1969 classic film, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Damon will take Robert Redford's role of the sideburned Cassidy, while Affleck will portray the Sundance Kid, made famous by Paul Newman. A director or production date has not been set.
Do I really have to spell out how wrong this is on many levels? Let me get through the THS portion of this gag, and then I'll give you a list of how wrong this really is.
Narrator: By 2007, Hollywood was producing nothing but sequels and remakes and sequels of remakes and remakes of sequels. Box office revenues started to decline sharply. The largest decline happened in the summer of 2007, when Ben Affleck and Matt Damon decided it was a good idea to remake the western classic, Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Damon: I really wanted to team up with Ben again. The only thing we had done together in the last few years was "Project Greenlight", and we all know how that turned out.
Affleck: I always wanted to be Paul Newman, and now was my chance. I didn't know we were angering the cinema gods by doing a remake.
Narrators: And angered they were. Affleck was injured severely recreating the famous cliff jumping scene in the film. No one knew what happened, but Affleck's security cable snapped during the controlled fall, and the actor plunged into the river at terminal velocity. The star broke both femurs and his lower spine. Production was halted for 3 months while Affleck recovered. An investigation of the incident turned up nothing.
Jennifer Garner: I don't know what happened. Believe me, I was nowhere to be seen on that set. Yep, was nowhere close to cutting the cable. Don't look at me that way…
Narrator: Tune in next week as Hollywood sees it's biggest flop in 3 generations…brought on by the sudden comeback of a comedic legend.
Jerry Lewis: So I thought it was time to do a comedy remake of Citizen Kane…flavin'.
Narrator: Next week on Hollywood: The True Hollywood Story.
Cris Murphy's Sure-Fired, Time-Tested, Water-Soluble Ways to Generate Box Office Revenue
This is my way of applying for a position to run a major Hollywood studio. In the wake of the last story, I feel it's my duty to reveal the tried and tested rules of creating box office success. Believe me…if you follow these simple rules, you'll get people going back to the theaters again. DVD sales be damned! If you're a Hollywood executive, take notes. These rules are for you.
1) Quit making remakes. Thousands of scripts come to Hollywood every year. Make some of them. Believe me…even the crappiest are better than 300 remakes and 200 sequels a year. If you can't improve on the original (and believe me, you can't), then don't make it. If you want to remake a film, remake John Carpenter's Vampires. That was a film that just didn't live up to its great premise. Otherwise, stop making remakes!
2) Quit making sequels. Sure, a movie gets huge box office numbers the first weekend. But look at the second, third and fourth weekends. If the numbers dropped well over half compared to the weekend before each of the next couple of weekends…guess what? It means your marketing people did a great job promoting the movie, but your director did a crappy job making it. You got people coming to the theaters in the first weekend, but a horrible film and word of mouth kept people from seeing it any time after that. If no one liked the first one…regardless of first weekend box office numbers…no one will see the second. And just forget about making a third or fourth sequel.
3) Comedic star power is dead. Hate to say it, but it is. Sure, people will want to see Brad Pitt or George Clooney or Angelina Jolie. But they've said goodbye to Eddie Murphy, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrell and others. Putting their names to a crappy film just won't cut it anymore.
4) Rule of thumb: If you don't know if the story is good, don't produce it. Don't buy a script thinking you can salvage it. Find something that has true merit and produce that instead. Hollywood is bitching that the DVD market is taking away from their box office revenue. Not the case! It's the fact that they keep pushing out crappy films with crappy stories that no one is interested in. Get better stories told by good (don't have to be great) directors, and people will come back to the theaters.
5) Uwe Boll and Paul W.S. Anderson should not touch a camera ever again. When your director has a cult following because his movies suck so bad…don't give him a chance to add your film to his stellar resume. I call this the Will Helm Theory of Misunderstoodness.
6) Video games spell D-O-O-M. I think the trend is established. Most video game films suck. Most don't even pull decent box office numbers. Why, oh why, must you continue to make them?
7) Only 4 teen films a year. Believe me, you've sucked the market dry. Generation Y has a hard enough time keeping a part-time job at Mickey D's, let alone spend money on your crappy films. Yes, by watching MTV 12 hours a day, their knowledge of what's good and what sucks is stunted. So, you can put out a bad film, and they're gullible enough to chuck $10 more than once to see it. But you have to pick and choose your battles. If you limit yourself to 4 a year, you'll guarantee yourself huge box office numbers for each. Hell, if only 4 come out a year, you might just get a lot of adult box office revenue as well.
8) "People are tired of poop jokes." In essence…a list of character archetypes that people are tired of: non-retarded retards that still get the hot chick (Happy Gilmore, Grandma's Boy), stunt people too stupid to wear protective equipment (any Johnny Knoxville-Jackass character), costumed British historical characters consumed by guilt or love (any Jane Austen story characters, Cassanova), any character that John Travolta or Ben Affleck wants to play, and the awkward-yet-hip rebel with tons of quirks (the roles Nic Cage USED to play).
9) Quentin Tarantino's name is highly overrated. Now, I'm not saying his films are, but his name is. Just recently, he's attached his name to two pretty stupid horror flicks that are nothing more than just gore-fests with no terror. His name means nothing. In fact, if he doesn't write and direct it, everything else with his name on it just sucks. True Romance being one glaring exception. So, if Tarantino has his name attached to a film, but didn't write or won't direct it, stay as far away from it as you can.
10) Horror films belong in October. That's the only time a lot of people want to get scared. Right now, a new horror flick comes out every freakin' weekend of the year. Stop it! Very few of these films make it. Sure, it costs nothing to make, but you're driving your audience to DVDs instead. The flood of horror films are one of the biggest reasons Hollywood is seeing a box office slump. There's way too many of them, and most of them suck. And for God's sake, don't open one up on Christmas weekend. That's just stupid.
I'll be expecting a call from Sony or Paramount any time now. Really, I'll run your studio for you. Trust me…
Fark.com Presents the "Movie-Related Photoshop Contest of the Week"…
Since it's the new year and I'm in the mood for trying out new things, I thought it would be humorous is I could bring to you some of the joy I find every day at Fark.com. So, every week, I'll find a movie/TV related theme for their photoshop contests, and bring you the funniest of them.
This week's theme: Photoshop what a He-Man movie might look like.
Our first winner is And-1 and his prediction for the upcoming Presidential election.
And finally, minidoxigirli gives us a look at the softer side of He-Man.
I know this is some crappy photoshopping, but for some unknown reason, this just really made me laugh out loud. To see the rest of the photoshop goodness, click and enjoy.
It's January. So you know what that is? Celebrity Sex Tape Season…
IMDB.com reports that a website was reportedly selling a 15-minute video of actor Colin Farrell having sex with his onetime girlfriend, 2002 Playmate Nicole Narain. According to the report, the website was shut down following a court order Tuesday. Farrell's publicist, Danica Smith, said in a statement. "Mr. Farrell will take legal action against anyone who tries to distribute this tape," Smith said.
But almost immediately another website, IDon'tLikeYouInThatWay.com (definitely NSFW), posted blurry screen shots from the tape. It quoted the site as having declared, "Colin tried to stop us from showing you this. ... Well, here it is anyways."
Well, I can't really show you any pictures of the screencaps or the website. So, I'll just show you a couple of pictures of Nicole Narain.
What's next? "Apache Chief: The Wonder Years"?
According to both Variety and The Hollywood Reporter, actor William Toale has been cast in the title role of the WB's upcoming Aquaman series. A relative unknown in regards to television and movies, Toale most recently has appeared in a supporting role in a Broadway revival of A Streetcar Named Desire.
Executive producer Alfred Gough said, "In the [three month] search for Aquaman, we saw over 400 people in England, Australia, Canada and several U.S. cities. We saw Will's tape over Christmas, and he was the only guy we took to the network."
The pilot will begin filming in Florida in March, with Miami eyed as the leading location candidate. Gogh tells Variety, "We call him 'the much-maligned Aquaman,' but when we first pitched Smallville, Superman was considered cheesy. In the comic, Aquaman's the lost king of Atlantis, but in our version, he is Arthur Curry, this twentysomething who owns a dive shop."
The reason why "Smallville" is such a success is that we know what will happen with both Clark, Lana and Lex. We know their future. Clark will be Superman and marry Lois, Lana will still be in Smallville, and Lex will own his father's company and try to kill Superman on a regular basis. It's the "how they get there" part of the story we tune in to see on "Smallville". I don't think you have that with the Aquaman story. He's not the pop culture icon that Superman is. There's going to be something lacking in this, mainly because this is just a spin-off of the Aquaman episode from "Smallville." There's no real thought to this except, "the Aquaman episode scored big ratings, so people want to see more Aquaman." Wrong.
What they should make is a non-teen drama based on Green Arrow. You won't have to explain super powers or anything. He's just a guy who solves crimes with his trusty bow and trick arrows. Believe me…it's a gold mine.
Get her a ham sammich: Pt. 2
It's been a busy week for Lindsay Lohan. First, she is romantically linked to Leonardo DeCaprio (like I freakin' care). Then, she's hospitalized because of an asthma attack (something I can relate to all too well). Then, a friend of hers was spotted carrying in things for Lindsay's stay in the hospital in a clear paper bad, which included Coco Puffs and a pregnancy test. Ooops. At least she's eating. And now this…
Lindsay Lohan is "appalled" by her interview published in Vanity Fair magazine last week, in which she "admitted" having suffered from bulimia. WENN reports that in an interview with reporter Evgenia Peretz, Lohan was quoted as saying, "I was making myself sick," and admitted she had dabbled in drugs in the past. Referring to watching her May appearance on Saturday Night Live, Lohan said, "I just started bawling. I knew I had a problem, and I couldn't admit it. I saw that 'SNL' after I did it. My arms were disgusting. I had no arms."
However, in a statement released to Teen People magazine on Tuesday, Lohan denies discussing her alleged bulimia with the magazine. Lohan says, "The words that I gave to the writer for Vanity Fair were misused and misconstrued, and I'm appalled with the way it was done. Aside from (the writer's) lies and changing of my words, I am blessed to have this job and wonderful family that I do." Lohan's publicist Leslie Sloane Zelnick says her client has never suffered from the eating disorder.
In response, a statement from Vanity Fair reads, "Evgenia Peretz is one of our most reliable reporters. Every word Lindsay Lohan told her is on tape. Vanity Fair stands by the story." Here's a good way to tell if the magazine misrepresented the truth…there will be a lawsuit…usually filed before any statements are made.
There won't be one in this case because Lohan knows she was being recorded and knows that it will be used against her in a court case. However, the public doesn't have access to that tape, so she can deny and blame the magazine as much as she wants. However, I doubt anyone will believe her. I'm sure she's just working out to get that incredible Skelator-like body.
At least she looks like she's put some of the weight back on…
I said "some" of the weight. At least she's getting the rack back.
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. And this week's winner is – TERRENCE MALIK.
According to IMDB.com, Malik withdrew his latest film, The New World, from cinema screens just days after its release because he was convinced it needed more editing. Way to wait until the last moment…wait…it's beyond the last moment!
The bizarre recall came nine days after the historical drama made its debut in theaters, but Malick is confident his cuts will be beneficial. The film, which focuses on the clash between Native Americans and English settlers in the seventeenth century, has been cut by the director by 17 minutes. The revised version will be re-released on January 20th.
Let me guess as to why the film was yanked and re-edited…because Malik is a hack. I never understood how a film like The Thin Red Line got so much critical acclaim. It was boring, and, in some instances, confusing as hell. Yet, he gets carte blanche to pull a film out of theaters NINE DAYS after it's been released (probably in limited release) in theaters because he wants to do some more editing. He probably just got a few friends to see it and said it sucked and was too long.
For not keeping to a deadline…and by signaling to everyone how much his film really sucks, Mr. Malik is the:
Craftsman 9-1/2 in. Scraper/Pry Bar
Sears item #00937359000 Mfr. model #2232
Used for lifting and removing trim, molding and baseboards, or removing metal lids. Also excellent for scraping paint and preparing rough surfaces before painting. sharp corners on the scraper help get into corners and tight areas. Scraper is made of high carbon steel for superior strength.
Next, they'll just beam the movie directly to my brain…
Studio Briefing reports that the Rupert Murdoch controlled BSkyB, the U.K./Ireland home-satellite service, has launched a new service allowing subscribers to download movies and sports programs via the Internet. Some 200 movies are included in the initial package, including recent films like Spider-Man 2 and The Day After Tomorrow and classic films like Alien and Dr. Strangelove.
Subscribers will have the choice of watching the movies on their personal computers or on mobile phones but will not be able to transfer them to DVDs or watch them on portable video players like the iPod or PlayStation Portable. *wonder what they'll do to keep that from happening* They will also be able to access dozens of news stories and video clips from Sky News and Sky Sports.
Sky COO Richard Freudenstein said, "Families' entertainment needs are changing fast and audiences increasingly expect to be able to access content whenever and wherever they want. We are giving millions of viewers the ability to download movies legally or to keep up with Sky on the move."
It's the next evolution of digital distribution, and it's good to see the entertainment industry on the forefront of this one. After burning a lot of bridges in the past and not accepting the coming of the digital age, the music and movie industries lost a lot of money…money they deserved to lose. If you don't adapt to new technology, you're going to get burned. It'll be interesting to see how this works out, and if we'll see anything like this in the U.S. any time soon.
The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Another new segment comes this week to pay tribute to the ever-growing mistakes made by network journalists and 24-hour news networks. This award is to honor the great Bill O'Reilly, who's constant blathering continues to tell us lowly "ham and eggers" what journalism really is. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. We wouldn't know bad journalism without you. *sarcasm included for free*
Studio Briefing reports that "Meet the Press" moderator Tim Russert was aware that Vice President Cheney's top aide, Scooter Libby, was lying when Libby testified that he first heard that Valerie Plame was a CIA agent from Russert during a telephone conversation in July 2003. Russert initially declined to discuss that conversation with the special prosecutor probing the leak of Plame's name, according to court documents released on Monday.
Russert, who is also Washington bureau chief for NBC News, had argued that he should not have to testify about the conversation with Libby because it would harm his relationship with other sources. Ordered by a federal judge to do so and released by Libby from any promise of confidentiality, Russert eventually told a grand jury that Plame's name did not come up in his conversations with Libby.
What the hell is going on with this? I can understand that Russert wants to keep his reputation with his sources and not give up information. But when he was released by Libby from any confidentiality and ordered by a federal judge to testify, what does he do? Lie. That's one way to keep your reputation with your sources…by ruining your reputation with your audience.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
According to the British entertainment blog, Monsters and Critics, glamour model Jordan has set her sights on landing a part as a Bond girl in the next James Bond film, Casino Royale.
The film, which will be Daniel Craig's debut in the role of the suave secret agent, has been highlighted by Jordan, real name Katie Price, as the ideal place to kick off her career in the movies. The curvaceous slut is reportedly in talks with Bond producers, who are apparently keen to get a hot model cameo in the movie.
Should Jordan be successful in winning the part, she would play one of French gangster Monsieur Le Chiffre's sexy casino croupiers. Jordan's Bond move comes just days after she stated that she wanted to land a role in the latest "Doctor Who" series. The model said she wanted to play an evil alien who could use her bosoms as weapons. "I could be a baddie who doesn't speak but kills with my ample charms."
From the looks of it, yes she could. So for the woman who's the UK's version of Pamela Anderson…a photo tribute.
From Pimpstick To Pulpit
It's time to give a holla out to David Hardy as he waxes poetic on Hostel and on Spike Jonze in the latest Hardywood Holler.
Steve Vicious shows us how low MTV has fallen in the latest Vicious TV News Wrap.
And since I've already dropped his name earlier, enjoy more Misunderstood Masterpieces with the incomparable Will Helm.
You can't give Leonard Hayhurst a question he can't answer…at least not yet. Check out the latest Ask 411 Movies.
Brandon Crow asks, "Where are the Democrats?" The answer: up there own asses. Maybe Brandon gives a better answer in his latest Murmur of Crow.
My counterpart at 411Music, Mr. Rhett Walker, keeps sending me boobies, so I'll keep pimping him. Check out his Southern Fried Chronicle. Thanks for the Schick commercial. It looks like a bustier Christy Hemme.
And here are some of the boobies he sent me…and it's NSFW.
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
Glory Road: The film I'll see this weekend.
Hoodwinked: Don't know about this animated film. Could be funny.
Last Holiday: It's probably not good, but I want Queen Latifah to succeed.
Tristan & Isolde: Chick flick galore.
