The Entertainment Guide 01.16.06: The Cigarettes & Alcohol Edition
Posted by Scott Rutherford on 01.16.2006
Yes my friends, the dark cloud of 411 has returned for the year!
Fuckers, fuckers, fuckers! I told you it would be 2 weeks before you would see me again so I made you wait 4 (if you count all the days). As I said it's been a busy time doing some other things for 411 and believe it or not these things take some time to do. You're already seen a few of these things around (Roundtables) and The Movies Year End Awards are going up today (you should be able to find them easily enough) and a huge wrestling feature I have been putting together (patients, you'll know it when it comes round). So I have spent my time cutting and pasting until my eyes went square.
In the downtime I busied myself at Suicide Girls because I could. Cheap too.
Movie news is pretty slim on the ground since most people have spent the last three weeks drunk and trying to nail the hot chick with big breasts (well in Hollywood anyway), so I'm not too sure how this is going to all pan out.
Hi I'm Scott and this is you first Entertainment Guide for the year…
Holy Shit – Actual Movie News
Variety reports that Jennifer Lopez will join the New Line Cinema film "Bridge and Tunnel". The romantic comedy will have Jane Rosenthal and Robert De Niro producing and Greg Berlanti directing. The movie will tell the story of a stock trader who relies on the wits of a teen to make money in the market. Casting for the male lead is underway.
Eek! Not the best way to start the year off for me. This could be incredibly awful and shitty to boot. I don't get how a storyline like this can actually see the light of day. Sure you want "light and fluffy" fare at your cinema but a stockbroker taking tips from a teen? The only thing that doesn't completely make me throw up is the De Niro factor. He does have a good bullshit detector with movies.
++++
The Hollywood Reporter reports that Sarah Jessica Parker will star in "Slammer" for director Todd Graff and Revolution Studios. The story centers on publicist Maggie Ray (Parker), who is framed for theft and shipped to Sing Sing Prison in New York. In an attempt to polish the prison's image, she produces an inmate-led musical that could save her career. "Hairspray's" Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman will compose the songs and score for the comedy.
Great, Chicago with a bad actress in the lead. Feel the excitement.
++++
The Hollywood Reporter reports that rocker Tommy Lee will have his own documentary. Bruce Sinofsky, who directed the documentary "Metallica: Some Kind of Monster," will turn his camera on rocker Tommy Lee. The still-untitled film, in pre-production, is slated to begin shooting in the spring.
Tommy Lee is one of the great under-appreciated celebrities of our time. In a world of Paris Hilton getting headlines for doing nothing we have this tattooed weirdo, who has actual talent (that boy can play drum yo) and the ability to get himself in bizarre situations. Putting a camera on him for a few years is bound to reap some seriously funny, sad and cool moments. The real question is when will the Motley Crue biography The Dirt see the light of day as a movie?
++++
The Hollywood Reporter reports that Susan Sarandon will star as an evil queen intent on destroying true love in Walt Disney Pictures' "Enchanted." Sarandon has signed on to play Queen Narissa opposite a star-crossed princess and prince (Amy Adams and James Marsden). The Bill Kelly script centers on a princess-in-waiting who is banished from a classical animation world by a vainglorious queen and dumped into a modern-day, live-action Manhattan.
Animated features are in a sad state at the moment and I don't see it getting a boost from this. I guess it's hard to make a fairytale movie now that the Shrek movies have so successfully lampooned them. The fact that this is a Disney production offers not sense of hope or redemption.
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Variety reports that "Smallville" hottie Erica Durance, who plays Lois Lane in the WB series, has joined "The Butterfly Effect 2," in which she will co-star with Eric Lively and Dustin Milligan. The movie will not be related to the original film with Ashton Kutcher and Amy Smart, but follows a similar premise in which a character is able to travel back in time in order to change the events in the present, but finds that every little change can lead to drastic consequences.
So what your saying is that this is going to be a remake of the first with a different cast? Didn't anyone learn from the remakes of The Crow? It's a story that can only be told once and then you run out of material. Sequels are a bad idea for sure.
++++
Variety reports that Picturehouse and New Line International are partnering with Charlize Theron's Denver And Delilah Films for "The Ice at the Bottom of the World," a drama that Theron will star in and produce. Theron will play a Navy captain's daughter, who returns home to Chesapeake Bay a heroin addict and the single mother of a mixed child. The Academy Award-winning actress owns the rights to the story.
Fuck me, that's one full-on heavy storyline! I think they missed the bit about kicking her dog in the nuts to ad to her misery…So Charlize is taking her Oscar for a spin and wielding a bit of muscle to boot. These vanity projects can really bite you in the ass if your not careful (Hope Floats, Solaris, Battlefield: Earth, The Postman, The Mirror Has Two Faces) and make it hard to get more projects going. One things for certain, that title HAS to go…I can hear people getting scared of seeing this already.
++++
The Hollywood Reporter reports that Giovanni Ribisi and Gary Dourdan are joining the cast of the "Perfect Stranger" for Revolution Studios. Halle Berry and Bruce Willis already have signed on to topline the feature to be directed by James Foley ("Confidence").
Berry will play a woman who goes undercover both online and off to investigate a friend's murder. Ribisi will play Miles Haley, an IT wiz and hacker who helps Berry's character in tracking the killer online and gets her into the secret corners of the Net. Dourdan portrays Cameron, Berry's on-again, off-again boyfriend.
And what will Bruce be doing? Nailing the P.A? Ten bucks says Ribisi plays some twitchy, geek boy with no friends and no sex life. You know, like every IT guy in the world….
++++
The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that David Fincher will be directing "Torso," a thriller based on a graphic novel written by Brian Michael Bendis and Marc Andrey-ko. "Torso" tells the true but relatively unknown story of Treasury Department agent Eliot Ness' time after his Al Capone days, when he moved to Cleveland to be the city's public safety officer. Torsos began appearing in the river, and Ness began receiving notes taunting him to catch the killer. Ness, who had no experience in police work, put together a team of ex-officers to apprehend the serial murderer.
Fincher loves the easy material doesn't he? Interesting story to say the least and with his talent for the macabre I see this being something to keep an eye on. It does really come down to who plays Ness however. Please no Brad Pitt!
++++
Variety reports that Julia Roberts may return to acting again by reuniting with "Closer" director Mike Nichols in "Charlie Wilson's War," a movie which Tom Hanks is already attached to star in. The movie would tell the story of the CIA's covert operation in Afghanistan to arm the mujahideen during the 1980s. According to The Hollywood Reporter, "the covert ops were engineered by Charlie Wilson, a charismatic, wheeler-dealer, liberal Texas congressman who teamed with a rogue CIA operative. The two manipulated Congress, the CIA and a host of foreign governments in order to assist the Afghan rebels in their fight against the Soviets. Many of the men armed by the CIA went on to become the Taliban's enforcers and Osama bin Laden's protectors."
Whew! That's one hot topical story right there. Whether we see it remains to be seen because any American who has any sort of link to Osama doesn't like it being public. I'm surprised Hanks is onboard for this but that guy knows when to take risks and when to play it safe. This is a risk and one I hope gets made they way it should be.
++++
Variety reports that Daniel Waters will be writing and directing "Sex and Death 101," a comedy in which Avenue Pictures will produce and finance with Sandbar Pictures.
The movie will tell the story of a man who receives an email containing the name of every single woman he has slept with, and every single woman he will sleep with until he dies.
Colour me intrigued. The cool thing would be to throw a spanner in the works and have some name like Hilary Clinton at the bottom and imply she is the one he ends up with for the rest of his life. Joking aside, the basic promise has oddles of potential and casting needs to be spot on. If you make it some proto-hunk it will feel forced but find the right mix of geek and style and you will have a winner.
++++
UPI reports that Bond producers are still scrambling to find its leading lady, with names like Charlize Theron and Angelina Jolie supposedly to have turned "Casino Royale" down already. Daniel Craig (007) still continues to be the only cast member confirmed for the movie. Natasha Henstridge and Australian actress Kimberly Davies are reportedly two other actresses that could by vying for the role.
It's not rocket science people. The world is full of ultra-hot woman that can act. Fuck, half the Bond girls from the earlier movies can't act for shit! I will throw a name off the top of my head…Linda Cardellini. A chick with some decent buzz about her, nice to look at and would take this role with both hands and work the hell out of it. It doesn't need to be a super-fucking-star.
++++
Variety reports that Sony Screen Gems & Lionsgate have commissioned Eli Roth for a "Hostel" sequel after the successful box office showing last weekend for the first movie.
The studios are hoping for a quick turnaround to release the movie next year.
Subtext…quick, lets make another and get it out before everyone realises that saw an absolutely shit movie and get them to pay for another.
++++
Entertainment Stories of 2005
This is just a few of the biggies (and just plain tragic) from the year 2005
MICHAEL JACKSON: THE VERDICT - How can a man with a proven history of sharing his bed with underage (like under 10) boys and about a million question marks against his credibility get away with what he did? All the defence proved that in a "I said- they said" courts case not every fact is going to hold up…well fucking duh! He is a sick man (I mean that in the kindest "mentally ill" sort of way) and needs help but when a bunch of morons decided to let him get away with what he did, they just let him feel like he did nothing wrong. And make no mistake, he did wrong. For his fans that say he didn't…how about you let your 10 your old son/nephew/cousin sleep in my bed tonight. Yeah, I didn't think so.
LINDSAY LOHAN'S TOUGH YEAR – I admit I give her serious shit and I think some of it's justified but in no way do you want to see someone physically harm themselves like she did. Blame whoever you want, her father, family, management, Paris Hilton or even her but in the end she showed signs of actually coming back to the real world and truthfully, the world needs the full figured, red head back because she's a much better talent than the parade of blondes that have been around this year.
JESSICA SIMPSON - Speaking of which, the uber-stupid blonde. Released a terrible cover of a Nancy Sinatra song, a terrible remake of a TV show and had terrible luck keep her husbands dick in his pants around other woman. This is a prime example of what spoiling your children can do. Every episode of that fucking show she had on TV was her being a spoilt brat. Then along comes her sister who's even fucking worse. Well Nick Lachey got wise and got the fuck out entitling himself to half for losing his dignity and a life time of banging strippers is in front of him. I do also admit he has a giant set of balls on him describing his ideal woman as some who looks like Jessica Alba and has had sex less than ten times. I don't know if he's smart or not but he is courageous.
KATE MOSS COCAINE SCANDAL - This will be your media beat up of the year. Irony was dripping off the pages when press writers criticized Moss for taking drugs. Almost every journo in the world has done speed and coke to keep going and them condemning her was beyond moronic. The fact she did it in a recording studio, no children around, not in public and keeps a clean public profile meant jack shit to everyone. I think she should sue for compensation for her lost modelling contracts. That would be worth the price of admission.
NANNYGATE: SIENNA & JUDE - Men and their dicks, it's a thing of beauty. Not content with banging his ex-model girlfriend, Jude decides he's going to plough the nanny for fun. Sure he got caught and the "will she/wont she" BS started about Sienna leaving but Jude stayed the course. When he strays again she's got no one to blame because he has shown his colours and the press should find anything else to talk about when it occurs.
PARIS/PARIS SPLIT & NICOLE RICHIE FALLOUT - Paris Hilton. How can someone offering so little get so much attention? I guess the irony of that comment is that I am devoting a few hundred words to her as well. Hey I never said I was superior, just better looking. So she gets engaged, loses her best friend, loses her TV show, splits up with her fiancé, and takes up with an Olsen twins boyfriend. She also managed to spread more porn on the internet via her phone which contained topless photos of herself and kissing some Spanish TV chick in the process. The day she gets any attention for something positive she does with be the day the world turns purple and Tim O'Sullivan starts digging chicks.
BRAD & JEN: THE SPLIT & THE AFTERMATH - Well the press wished it but it wasn't like you needed a map to figure it out. She does about 6 movies a year and he wants a family. She is too busy to even give head, he gets dissatisfied and they split. He takes up with someone who thinks like he does (and is a major fucking hottie) and they start breeding before the year is out. She takes up with a guy that has a rep for being a ladies man and talks to the press ad nauseam about how she isn't going to share her life anymore with the media…how's that working out for you Jen?
THE TOM CRUISE CRUSADE - It's been coming for years now. We all knew Tom was a Scientology nutjob with very strong views about what they believe. He never does anything half-speed so when he decided to publicly sprout their dogma he managed to offend pretty much everyone. For those he didn't he scared off with his couch jumping and Katie Holmes love-a-thon thus showing that while he knows the chemical make-up of ridiline and how bad it is for you he learnt exactly nothing from the people around him…*cough**cough* Beniffer *cough**cough*. Thus showing he may be a movie star, but a stupid movie star to boot.
PAULA ABDUL'S 'IDOL' CONTROVERSY - She got her hand caught in the cookie jar and managed to get away with it. God knows how but she was giving unfair assistance to a contestant on American Idol this year and nothing happened. The sad thing is that the producers missed a awesome chance at revamping the show and getting rid of Abdul and her increasingly erratic behaviour from the airwaves. If she wasn't on drugs, drinking like Oliver Reed, jammed up with some 24/7 religious guru that's after she used underwear then I have no clue as to what I'm talking about.
RUSSEL CROWE'S PHONE TOSS - Love him or hate him, Russell will always wear his heart on his sleeve and promote violence when needed. It was a storm in a tea cup and some say a publicity stunt (a pretty elaborate one if it was) but Rusty showed that the words "prat" and "dickhead" are alive and well when he couldn't phone home. Dude, ET managed to keep a cool head and those fuckers left him on another world! Your phone wouldn't work, big fucking deal! You ever heard of a pay phone? You of all people could afford it.
The Rudderfids – My 2005 Movie Awards
These are just the things that piqued my interest during the year and I figure three or four of you maybe interested.
Best Movie 40 Year Old Virgin - I nearly hurt myself when I saw this film I was laughing so hard. I knew what sort of film to expect when I went to see it but I never thought they could make it past the "one not joke" territory but they did. They had me from "a chick fucking a horse".
Best Actor Johnny Depp – Charlie & The Chocolate Factory - He is the 2nd best actor of our time (Edward Norton would be the first thank you very much) and his characterisation of Willy Wonka was something to behold. He managed to completely sperate himself from Gene Wilders legendary portrayal while maintaining the character traits of Wonka. Brilliant.
Best Actress Reese Witherspoon – Walk The Line - I have a soft spot for Reese I must admit. She is always good in whatever she does and manages to turn stinkers like Sweet Home Alabama into something remotely watchable. She's been in real danger of sliding into Meg Ryan/Sandra Bullock territory of "America's Sweetheart" from which there is no escape. But thank god for this movie. This time she gets to play serious grown-up and she really shines with the extra elbowroom. Let's hope this is the start of a total Reese make-over.
Best Supporting Actor Deep Roy – Charlie & The Chocolate Factory - Laugh as you may but Roy kicked ass in this movie. He alone played all the Ompa Lumpa's and he alone made them rock. He danced, he sang, he looked suitably weird and he was pretty damn good. I say Roy for Bond with Verne Troyer as his nemesis Short Ass.
Best Supporting Actress Eva Mendes - Hitch - I don't know is she was really a supporting role but I seriously don't think she was a lead either. But she was charming and sexy in this role and made sparks with Will Smith (not a hard thing…shit Smith and co-star Kevin James had sparks) but she had a definite charm and easiness about her that is hard to find in these types of movies. She's done dick since but I predict more from her in the future.
Worst Movie Dukes 0f Hazard - How can the Broken Lizard guys fuck this up? I can only imagine the initial production meeting…
Okay, so we got a fool-proof TV show that has easy remake written all over it, so to make things hard on ourselves let's totally ignore all the good things that the TV show had going for it, cast a no talent fake stunt guy as one of the leads and Jessica Simpson as Daisy Duke despite having no talent, no charm, no charisma but a big set of tits.
Cheesiest Movie Moment Of The Year Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith…NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Starlet In Waiting Kat Dennings - 40 Year Old Virgin - Not what you can call a classic beauty this lady got many a man's (and dykes) attention for having the biggest natural set of breasts on film this year. So much talk surrounded her boobs she had to post a message on her MySpace page forbidding talk about them. Cris Murphy and myself await her first nude scene.
Overrated Film of The Year Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith - I can't really say much more about this movie because let's face it you have probably seen it already and have made up your mind. While some jacked off over it but I wonder if they actually really watched this movie. Bad acting, bad dialog and a boring storyline. I love Star Wars, I didn't love this move.
Get Him/Her Off My Screen and Out Of My Life Julia Roberts - Just stay the fuck gone. Have another baby, suck cock or play with you starfish while you go to the toilet. Anything, just don't act.
Commentary Track of the Week
I avoided it because of some sort of Anchorman hangover (you have to hear THAT commentary track) but Vince and Ben turn the Dodgeball CT into something else entirely. It's alike a performance art piece. They say nothing at all complementary about the film or the director, act like jerks and are really fucking funny the whole time. Give it a listen.
The Photo Files
Kate Bosworth
Notice anything weird about Kate? Besides the fact she's in love with a homosexual elve?
This freaky bitch has different coloured eyes! Getting her to show you her brown eye means something else entirely.
Jessica Simpson
Seems to think the best way of picking up a new guy is to look like a hooker. Well, more of a hooker than what she usually looks like.
Brigitte Neilson
After Sylvester Stallone even a horse has its appeal.
Bill Gates
Who knew that Bill was a criminal. There's hope for Charles Mason yet.
George Clooney
George and his evil eye. Just be thankful he has his pants on. We don't need to see THAT eye.
Katie Holmes
Never give head to a Scientologist.
Lindsay Lohan
I swear I'm off the junk!
Mariah Carey
No Mariah, it's hanging with your homies…not the homeless. Who does she think she's kidding?
Nicolette Sheridan
For the love of god woman, take a step back from Michael Bolton and think about what you are letting in between you legs!
Pamela Anderson
Pamela takes it this big these days.
Paris Hilton
Words cannot do her justice.
The Top Ten
Since is the first shit I have written all year I thought I would give you the ten things I want this year…
Sex With A Celebrity: She doesn't have to be overly famous but a level of fame would be nice. Envy is the big thing, if you wish it were you instead of me…that's what I'm aiming for.
Win The Lottery: I don't need millions (although it would be nice) but a few hundred thousand would go along way to putting a smile on my face.
Have My Car last More Than One Year Without Breaking Down: It's not much to ask, you buy a new car and you expect it to last 12 months without it fucking up. I have worse luck with cars than I do woman.
Meet Steve Irwin: This guy literally lives 15 minutes from my house, I've been to his Zoo like 15 times and I have never met him. This year is my year.
My Album To Retrospectively Sell Three Million Copies: Sure it was released 5 years ago and bombed because of major label politics but a platinum album would look sweet on my wall. It also helps with the first thing on my wishlist.
Go To Live In Dublin: To my faithful readers this may come as a surprise until you remember, I hate the English. Ireland, Wales and Scotland are aces in my books and Dublin is a city I want to live in for a few years.
See Every Episode Of American Chopper In One Sitting: I have only recently come around to this show (I hate TV as a general rule) and while it is more than a little repetitive I do have a motorbike itch that this show scratches.
Own An OCC Chopper: I want the Statue Of Liberty Bike that was plated in copper. Awesome. I will give a hug to anyone that gets it for me.
For Someone To Buy My Entire Wishlist From Amazon: It would be a show of love. Show me some love. Buy me some love.
That Everyone Has A Good Year: Sentimental I know, but I like the world to be happy so I can be the only miserable bastard.
