The Hardywood Holler! 01.18.06: Episode XXI: Hardy Goes Hollywood
Posted by David Hardy on 01.18.2006
Lohan is annoying, Trachtenberg is hot, J.Lo is useless and adaptations and remakes are running amok!
Yeah, I'm stumped for titles now. I just ripped off WrestleMania 21. Next week I'm doomed.
Mailbag
Got a quick blurb in regards to my Chuck Norris plugging last week.
From Evocator: Don't know if you've seen this or not, but Chuck Norris has a statement about this on his web page...
And here's his statement:
I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris
Look at him! He's so modest!
Weekend Box Office
1. Hoodwinked - $16.6 million ($16.6 million)
2. Glory Road - $16.4 million ($16.4 million)
3. Last Holiday - $15.7 million ($15.7 million)
4. The Chronicles of Narnia - $12.2 million ($263.4 million)
5. Hostel - $11.6 million ($36.8 million)
6. Fun with Dick and Jane - $10.3 million ($94.2 million)
7. King Kong - $9.2 million ($204.6 million)
8. Tristan and Isolde - $7.8 million ($7.8 million)
9. Brokeback Mountain - $7 million ($32 million)
10. Cheaper by the Dozen 2 - $6.7 million ($74.6 million)
Well, to nobody's surprise, Hostel dropped a few spots. Horror movies like that tend to have a great opening weekend then quickly drop out of the top ten. It's cool to see three movies debut in the top three spots, but nothing Queen Latifah ever does deserves to be in the top ten. Seriously, what do people see in her? She's a big waste of skin who can't act worth beans. Hell, pretty much everything she's in she plays the same roll more or less. And don't get me started on her music career. Moving along, I kind of expected Tristan and Isolde to do better than it did. Maybe it will have a better cume this week. King Kong continues to slide, falling past even Dick and Jane, which is doing surprisingly well. I really hope Narnia drops off soon. Munich continues to disappoint as it has already dropped out of the top ten.
Opening This Week
Transamerica
Underworld: Evolution
The New World
Note: These news bits aren't really organized in any way, so don't think the top one is more important than a middle or bottom one.
Raimi Is A Wee Free Man The Story: Sam Raimi will likely direct "The Wee Free Men" for Sony following "Spider-Man 3." "The Wee Free Men" would be an adaptation of Terry Pratchett's 2003 young-adult novel, which focuses on a 9-year-old girl who has to somehow travel into an alternate world to rescue her brother from an evil fairy queen. Her only assistance comes from the titular wee free men, six-inch-tall tiny ruffians with Scottish accents. Raimi hasn't directed a non-"Spider-Man" flick since 2000's "The Gift." Source: Variety
The Pink: It'll be good to see Raimi get back into another genre. He's a great director and will do a good job with this, as he does with pretty much everything else he directs. The movie sounds like something a family could enjoy.
The Stink: The story sounds bogus and unimaginitive. Also, this means we'll have to put up with another movie staring kids. Kids can't act, it's a fact of life. I wonder if they'll try to make this movie directed towards adults at all or if it will be just for the children.
Fincher To Show His Torso The Story: David Fincher is set to direct "Torso," a thriller based on a graphic novel written by Brian Michael Bendis and Marc Andrey-ko. "Torso" tells the true but relatively unknown story of Treasury Department agent Eliot Ness' time after his Al Capone days, when he moved to Cleveland to be the city's public safety officer. Torsos began appearing in the river, and Ness began receiving notes taunting him to catch the killer. Ness, who had no experience in police work, put together a team of ex-officers to apprehend the serial murderer. Source: Hollywood Reporter
The Pink: David Fincher is a great director who thrives with twisted storylines. This sounds like something that could be right up his alley. I hope that they sign some good actors to star as Ness and the criminal taunting him. The idea of torso's floating down the river is twisted. This movie sounds like it will be great!
The Stink: Hopefully it won't come across as a rehash of pretty much every other crime thriller from the past ten years. He'll have to pull our some great stops to make this one stand out, otherwise it won't generate much interest and indeed will come across as a ripoff.
J.Lo: Stock Trader The Story: Jennifer Lopez is set to star in "Bridge and Tunnel," a new romantic comedy being produced by Jane Rosenthal and Robert De Niro. Greg Berlanti will direct. The movie will tell the story of a stock trader who relies on the wits of a teen to make money in the market. Casting for the male lead is underway. Source: Variety
The Pink: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Stink: J.Lo isn't even believable as a real person. There's no way anyone is gonna buy her as a stock trader. She can't even act. The movie sounds really stupid too. I really hope this bombs. Hell, most of her movies do.
SJP Goes To The Slammer The Story: Sarah Jessica Parker is set to star in "Slammer" for director Todd Graff. The story centers on publicist Maggie Ray (Parker), who is framed for theft and shipped to Sing Sing Prison in New York. In an attempt to polish the prison's image, she produces an inmate-led musical that could save her career. Source: Hollywood Reporter
The Pink: This will probably be a good movie for women in their thirties and fourties
The Stink: This will only be a good movie for women in their thirties and fourties.
Christmas To Be Black Again The Story: Former "Buffy" co-star turned "Ice Princess" and "Eurotrip" actress Michelle Trachtenberg is set to topline horror remake "Black Christmas." The story follows a killer who terrorizes a sorority house with phone calls before he begins to murder the various sisters of the house during the annual Christmas holiday break. Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Katie Cassidy and Oliver Hudson have also joined the cast of the project which Glen Morgan is directing. Production is set begin late January in Vancouver. Source: Production Weekly
The Pink: Black Christmas is a horror classic. A remake of it will hopefully generate much interest from fans of the original, and perhaps give people insentive to check out the original. We can use more good horror movies these days and this looks to be one. Not to mention Michelle Trachtenberg is a total cutie! See for yourself:
See? Do you see!? That, above all else is the reason we should see this movie.
The Stink: I'm really getting sick of remakes. I swear, in every news recap I write, I always have to mention some kind of remake. It's getting really annoying. It's especially bad when it's good movies that are being remade, as more often then not, they turn out being really bad. I have high hopes for this one, but horror remakes don't exactly have a great track record.
Button Man To Kill On The Big Screen? The Story: "A History of Violence" exec producers Josh Braun and Roger Kass have sold off rights to "Button Man: The Killing Game" - a graphic novel by John Wagner and Arthur Ranson - to DreamWorks for a bigscreen adaptation. "Button" is a stylish thriller about a group of jaded millionaires who pit their own personal assassins against each other in a clandestine, deadly game. "Violence" was adapted from another graphic novel by Wagner co-penned with Vince Locke. "Button" producers are taking pitches from scribes in Los Angeles next week to adapt the project. Source: Variety
The Pink: This story sounds awesome. I'm actually tempted in picking up this graphic novel now. This sounds like it will be fun movie. A History Of Violence was by the same peeps and it was an excellent movie. Let's hope that this follows suit.
The Stink: How many comic adaptations do we need? Ah well, I'm not gonna complain, this sounds like a blast.
Piranha's Shred Again! The Story: Dimension Films will distribute "Piranha," the remake of the 1978 horror hit in U.S. and all English-speaking territories. Chuck Russell ("The Mask") is in negotiations to direct from a script he wrote adapting the original movie. In the remake, the story is set in Arizona's Lake Havasu, which sits on a crater formed by a prehistoric volcanic eruption. When a tremor cracks the lake floor open, prehistoric piranhas are set loose and people begin to disappear. Russell's screenplay uses elements from drafts by Josh Stolberg and Peter Goldfinger and the original screenplay by John Sayles from a story by Richard Robinson. Shooting begins in the Spring. Source: Reuters
The Pink: It'll be interesting to see if it's as campy as the original or if they'll give it a move serious feel to it. They can probably make some pretty cool looking CGI piranhas.
The Stink: Did we need this remake. The first one was cheesy enough as is, we didn't need another one.
Joaquin Owns The Night The Story: Joaquin Phoenix will reteam with his "The Yards" director James Gray on "We Own the Night", an epic crime drama about the Russian Mafia in New York City penned by Gray. Set in the 1980's, a Russian narcotics gang draws up a hit list of NYPD officers who threaten their business and are to be taken out. Its up to a night club manager to save his brother and father who are next on the list. Robert Duvall and Eva Mendes are also attached to star in the project which begins filming next month in the Big Apple. Source: Production Weekly
The Pink: Joaquin Phoenix is an awesome actor and pretty much every movie he's in turns out great. The story sounds like an interesting one and with a great actor like Phoenix attached to it, it will surely generate interest. Eva Mendes is also very good as she proved in Hitch. This should be a good one!
The Stink: Can't think of much here, I'm really looking forward to it!
Movie Reviews... In Haikus!
Hoodwinked Lil' Red Riding Hood
Run of the mill CGI
Go rent Shrek instead
Glory Road Based on true story
Of blacks playing basketball
Average at best
Last Holiday Queen La-beef-ah sucks
In this yawner of a flick
Poor LL Cool J
Tristan And Isolde Decent love story
Not as good as "Romeo"
Sophia Myles shines
Annoying Celebrity Of The Week
Yeah, you know who she is. Miss Drama Queen herself, Lindsay Lohan. She confessed in Vanity Fair that she was having problems with drugs and bullimia. Whoop-dee shit! Is that supposed to be front page news? Are we supposed to feel bad about her? Are we supposed to even care? There was a time where I thought she was attractive, about two years ago, but she's made such a spectacle of herself that I can't stand the sight of her now. Go away, Lindsay, we don't care anymore.
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The Sign Off
Ah hell, I can't stand myself, here's another pic of Michelle Trachtenberg!
