Warped News 01.19.06: The “When did I turn gay?” Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 01.19.2006
The same week Brokeback Mountain wins the Golden Globes, and I’m talking a lot about dildos and jocks. Coincidence? Yeah, it is.
Well, the Golden Globes are out, and I'm not talking about Angelina's cleavage. There were a few shockers to me. I'm surprised that "Desperate Housewives" won anything, let alone best comedy. It wasn't even close to topping any other nominee, except for the dreadful "Weeds." I'm also surprised that Brokeback Mountain won Best Screenplay. My money was on Mike Figgis for Crash.
And would it kill somebody to give Jeremy Piven the award for Best Supporting Actor? It's bad enough this category is the only one that mixed comedy, drama & TV movies genres into the same award, but my man Piven gets nixed for Paul Newman. That, my friends, is BS. Nobody commanded the screen like Piven's Ari Gold on "Entourage." Nobody.
Anyway, enough with "hugging it out" and Brokeback's dominance. It's time for the understated, never overrated and often debated (not to mention ejaculated) fun that many call…
All the News, New and Improved
On the next episode of "Being Brandon Tartikoff"…
Here's a reoccurring section of the Warped News where I profile really dumb decisions made by TV executives, primarily at the Fox Network, which prove to the world that any jackass that has two eyes and can slam his/her head into a wall repeatedly can be a TV network executive. I'm frankly shocked that no one has done a reality TV show on this. Then again, the executives who pick these types of shows would never air how pathetically easy their jobs are.
The Fox Network has announced that the two-hour series finale of the critically acclaimed and Emmy award winning show, "Arrested Development", will air Friday, February 10th, at 7 pm CST. However, the show will run opposite of the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics. The show does air during Sweeps Week, but everyone is giving up this round of Sweeps to the Winter Olympics coverage. So, basically, Fox is turning the last episodes of "Arrested Development" into cannon fodder.
But, if you're a Nielsen family, you can send Fox a powerful message. Watch "Arrested Development" instead of the stupid and contrived opening ceremonies. If the finale of the show gets fantastic ratings against an almost juggernaut, then someone like ABC or Showtime will end up pick the show up on their network, and it'll show Fox that they need some serious house cleaning in their executive branch. Only a network as stupid as Fox can screw up marketing a show that won the "Best Comedy Series" Emmy.
Is that a dildo or are you just happy to see me?
"Desperate Housewives" co-star Felicity Huffman had a hard time finding a realistic fake penis for her latest role. According to the South African Independent News and Media, the actress needed the phony phallus for her Golden Globe winning role as a transsexual in new movie Transamerica, but she admits tracking one down was more difficult than she thought.
She said, "We were on our second day of shooting, trying on some undergarments, when I realized something was missing. I had to visit loads of sex shops before I found a realistic looking flaccid penis."
Huffman revealed that she became so attached to the prosthetic penis she had to wear in the film, she gave it a name. She called it "Andy" - after a costume assistant's "idiot" ex boyfriend. "I pretty much wore it the whole time except for a couple of times in Arizona when we were in the station wagon with no air-conditioning and it was too hot."
See, now women can understand why we males name our penises. But "Andy?" You need something more masculine…mas muy macho. Something filled with sexual innuendo…like "Brutus." Roman senator & soldier. Put a knife into Julius Caesar's back. You know…strong, powerful, likes to stab things from behind.
Are you uncomfortable yet? And, no I'm not gay.
Pirates storm the capital…of West Virginia?
The Associate Press reported on a case of movie and music pirating…in the capitol building of the State of West Virginia. State investigators have stumbled onto a basement office in the West Virginia Capitol outfitted with computers, video and audio gear, and software used to pirate movies and music recordings.
"Specifically, one hard drive contained approximately 40 full-length motion videos," state Chief Technology Officer Kyle Schafer said in the Jan. 5 memo to Administration Secretary Robert Ferguson. "Two other hard drives contained over 3,500 MP3 music files consuming more than 14 [gigabytes] of hard drive space." Unfortunately, all 14 gigs of MP3 were of Billy Joe Royal. (just kidding)
Hundreds of blank DVDs, CDs and jacket covers were also found, as was software "commonly used to crack header codes on copyrighted materials such as movies and music to allow duplication," Schafer's memo said. Ferguson confirmed Tuesday that his staff found the makeshift audio-video studio amid his widening probe into spending and other abuses at the state General Services Division.
The review found that someone in General Services sidestepped state purchasing rules to buy more than $88,000 worth of computers and related equipment over the last three years, including the items discovered in the basement office. Not all the purchased computers and gear can be located, Ferguson said. That's because the 55" plasma screen TV is in someone's home right now.
He declined to identify who made the purchases, or whose office contained the makeshift audio-video studio. "We will hold accountable those people who have abused the letter and the spirit of the law and undermined my responsibility to safeguard the resources of the state," Ferguson said. Translation: It's my brother/cousin/uncle, and I'll make him share the wealth.
I didn't know West Virginians had computers. (in the immortal words of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, "I keeed! I keeeed!") West Virginia is a great state…for me to poop on.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
The Dutch may have liberal attitudes towards sex and soft drugs, but a TV show based on the daily life of a porn star has proved too hot to handle. Reuters reports that the Talpa TV network has cancelled "Op z'n Hollands" (The Dutch Way) after just two episodes, deeming it unsuitable for a family channel. The decision stunned both the show's production company and its star, Kim Holland.
"Maybe Talpa does not know what to do anymore to get high ratings," Holland was quoted as saying in the local press. The porn queen expressed the hope that her show would be picked up by another channel in the Netherlands.
"Op z'n Hollands," in which Holland gives viewers sexual advice based on her own experience, was originally set for eight episodes. The show's production company, Eyeworks, said Talpa was closely involved with the program's format from the start.
Here's to a show, and it's star, that hopefully makes it to Skinemax…
When jocks take off their jocks and put on make-up…
And, no I'm not gay. ESPN.com's Page 2 gave out their list of the 10 best movie and TV performances by an athlete. Then, they asked their readers to submit their best performances. Here are the lists side-by-side for comparison:
Page 2's Top 10
#1: Arnold Schwarzenegger –"The Terminator" & "Pumping Iron"
#2: Carl Weathers – "Rocky"
#3: Alex Karras – "Blazing Saddles"
#4: Ed Marinaro – "Hill Street Blues"
#5: Alex English – "The Amazing Grace & Chuck"
#6: O.J. Simpson – "The Naked Gun"
#7: The Rock – "The Mummy Returns"
#8: Cam Neely – "Dumb & Dumber"
9: Jim Brown – "The Dirty Dozen"
#10: Vinnie Jones – "Lock, Stock, & Two Smoking Barrels"
Reader's Top 10
#1: Brett Favre - "There's Something About Mary"
#2: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar - "Airplane!"
#3: Ray Allen - "He Got Game"
#4: Carl Weathers - "Rocky"
#5: Fred Dryer - "Hunter"
#6: Dan Marino - "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective"
#7: Bob Uecker - "Major League"
#8: Alex Karras - "Blazing Saddles"
#9: O.J. Simpson - "Nakes Gun"
#10: Andre the Giant - "The Princess Bride"
Frankly, there are some bad choices in both lists. Bob Uecker's performance should be very high on anyone's list. He ended up redefining how baseball commentary is done…and he did it in a movie! I still say, "Juuuuuuust a bit outside. He try to hit the corner and missed" every time I see a wild pitch. Plus, where's the great Bob Matuszak and his inspiring role in The Goonies. Plus, Jim Brown's performance in The Dirty Dozen deserves to be higher.
So, I've decided that we (this means you and me) should come up with our own list of the greatest performances by athletes in TV or film. This also includes TV commercials and sports analysis shows like "NFL Gameday" or "Inside the NFL" as well. It doesn't matter where the athlete plays (so British, Russian, Chineese, Mongolian players are also included). The only exceptions are documentaries. No documentaries are allowed.
Email me your top 5 best performances by an athlete in TV or film, and I'll compile the list along with the choices of 411Mania writers, and I'll create the coveted "Put Your Jock Where My Eyes Can See" Awards, hosted by Busta Rhymes. And, no I'm not gay.
Fear "The Cruise"…
In a report by the tabloid "The Sun", British TV executives have axed the now infamous episode of "South Park" which "outs" Tom Cruise— because they are scared the real actor will sue. The wacky cartoon shows Hollywood star Cruise refusing to come out of a closet in a reference to rumors about his sexuality. And, no I'M not gay.
His ex-wife Nicole Kidman and fellow Scientologist John Travolta are portrayed as trying to coax him out. The episode, called "Trapped in the Closet", also features Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard criticizing Cruise's acting skills.
The episode was shown in America last year, but Cruise is believed to have threatened legal action if it is shown again. So it will not be screened on England's Paramount channel on Friday as planned. An insider said, "Tom is famously very litigious and will go to great lengths to protect his reputation. In the past year this has increased because he has been getting bad publicity over his over-the-top relationship with Katie Holmes. But Tom was said not to like the episode and Paramount just didn't dare risk showing it again. It's a shame that UK audiences will never see it because it's very funny."
I'm trying to understand all of this. Comedy Central aired the episode late last year and received zero lawsuits over it. Why? Because it's satire and protected under the 1st Amendment. However in England, they're scared to air the episode out of fear that Cruise (or the Church of Scientology) will sue them into the ground. I'm not sure about any free speech protections in England, but I do know that I have British readers who can easily email and counsel me more on this. *hint, hint* So, I'll refrain in calling the channel a big pussy until I get all the facts.
In America, they'd be big pussies…
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. And this week's winner is – PAMELA ANDERSON.
First came calls to remove the statue of Confederate President Jefferson Davis from the state Capitol. Now, another famous Kentuckian is under fire. An animal rights group is calling for the bust of Colonel Harland Sanders - founder of KFC - to be hauled out. Pamela Anderson is leading the charge.
"The bust of Colonel Sanders stands as a monument to cruelty and has no place in the Kentucky state Capitol," Anderson said in a statement issued by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
"We certainly appreciate everyone's right to an opinion," Gov. Ernie Fletcher's spokeswoman Jodi Whitaker said. "Colonel Sanders was one of Kentucky's most distinguished citizens, a great entrepreneur and a fine charitable man of faith, and he certainly has a place in Kentucky history. We believe he warrants appropriate recognition as such."
Anderson has been involved in a public relations campaign to raise awareness of what she calls abuse of chickens in processing plants that supply poultry to the Louisville-based chicken chain. In a letter to Fletcher, Anderson detailed alleged abuses of chickens by KFC suppliers. Among her claims, she said workers in a slaughterhouse in West Virginia have been filmed tearing the heads off live birds, spitting tobacco in their eyes, spray-painting their faces and slamming them on the ground.
"We felt the bust of Colonel Sanders is inappropriate in the state Capitol because it portrays a man who founded a company that treats chickens in a way that would be illegal if dogs or cats were the victims," said Matt Prescott, a spokesman for PETA.
Of course, facts never get in the way of PETA, especially the fact that Col. Sanders has been DEAD for 25 years. How a man who's been dead for over 2 decades can impact the processing of chickens today in a mostly mechanize world is beyond me. But, that's a little too much thinking for Pam. It gets in her way of accentuating her tits and being a slut (not that I mind).
Is it me, or am I just looking for news on Pam so I can include yet another scantily-clad picture? See, not gay. Anyway, for being one of PETA's ho's, Ms. Anderson is the…
Craftsman 5/8 in. x 60 ft. Rubber Soaker Hose
Sears item #07169256000 Mfr. model #69256
60 ft. hose is ideal for watering flowers, vegetables, shrubs, and trees.
Nickel-plated brass fittings help resist corrosion.
The power of Conan O'Brien…
One of the very few celebrities that can get away with poking their noses into politics is talk-show host Conan O'Brien. Finland's president finds her traditional support among women and the Social Democratic Party base, but lately to the surprise of many Finns — and her opponents in last Sunday's election — she has gotten an endorsement of a different sort.
The redheaded Conan O'Brien has been promoting President Tarja Halonen's re-election bid as part of a long-running joke about their supposed physical similarities. "Why do I support Tarja Halonen? Because she's got the total package: a dynamic personality, a quick mind, and most importantly — my good looks," the comedian, whose show is broadcast on cable in Finland, said in a statement to The Associated Press.
Let's take a look:
Whether O'Brien has a real interest in Finnish politics is uncertain, but his gags and mock campaign ads for Halonen have not gone unnoticed in Finland. "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" airs five days a week on SUBTV, a Finnish cable channel, with a few days' delay. Every time he mentions Finland or Halonen, local tabloids report it prominently.
"Of course, when she is mentioned so many times it's positive for our campaign," said Halonen's campaign manager, Markku Jaaskelainen. Halonen's supporters quickly saw an opportunity, and her campaign started running real ads before the O'Brien's show on Finnish TV. Halonen was hugely popular even before O'Brien discovered their similarities, but Jaaskelainen said hits on the campaign Web site have quintupled partly because of O'Brien's shows.
In one show, O'Brien presented a mock ad for Halonen in which he and two Finns were discussing the election while fishing on a frozen lake. When they talk about rival candidate Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen, a dead fish shoots out of the hole in the ice, prompting a joke about how the mere mention of his name causes fish to commit suicide.
"Fish recognize a bad leader," O'Brien says in broken Finnish to laughter from his studio crowd.
Halonen's opponents are not amused. "He's just making fun of the whole election," said Harri Jaskari, campaign manager for former Finance Minister Sauli Niinisto. "If this decides the election, then we're in trouble. It gives a very poor picture of Finnish democracy." You got that right!
In Helsinki, people did not seem to take offense at O'Brien's use of their presidential election for comic relief. "I think it's quite funny," said Mia Myllymaki, a 28-year-old elementary school teacher. "Of course we are proud that Conan O'Brien talks about Finland and Finnish people. ... People in the USA don't even know where Finland is, so maybe it helps if he talks about it."
NBC said O'Brien is planning a trip to Finland in February. It was not clear whether he would meet with Halonen, 62, who apparently doesn't mind being compared to the 42-year-old O'Brien. "She thinks that it's very nice that she looks the same as Conan O'Brien because Conan O'Brien is so much younger than she," said Jaaskelainen. As for their similarities, he was not as convinced. "They have red hair," Jaaskelainen said. "And same kind of nose."
For once, the courts got it right…
The fan who ran onto the field at Cleveland Browns Stadium during a Steelers-Browns game on December 24th was sentenced Tuesday to spend Super Bowl weekend in jail. The asshat in question, Nathan Mallett, will begin his three-day sentence on Feb. 3 and won't be allowed to watch the Feb. 5 game on television or listen to it on radio.
Municipal Court Judge Joan Synenberg ordered Mallett not to attend Browns games in Cleveland or any other city for five years as a condition of his probation. He also most perform 150 hours of community service with Browns charities. He could have been sentenced to up to 30 days in jail.
Mallett, who expressed remorse in court, was convicted earlier this month of misdemeanor counts of disorderly conduct while intoxicated and criminal trespassing.
He has said he raced onto the field because he was upset by Pittsburgh's 41-0 win over the Browns. His jaunt ended when Steelers linebacker James Harrison body-slammed him onto the ground and held him for police.
As important as the Super Bowl is to any football fan (this coming from experience), this and the body slam on the field was appropriate punishment for him. Let's hope idiots like this remember what happened and won't rush the field again…except if they're naked female porn stars. Then we don't care.
And now, a word from our readers…
It's always nice to hear from you readers now and again. So, this is my feedback section where I try to answer your questions.
Jake Brzovic write: Hey Chris: I don't know if you happened upon this article or any others, but the box office is down a measly 5% from last year. 5%. That's not a slump. That's 5%. Hollywood grossed 8.9 Billion dollars this year. There's nothing to
worry about at all. All businesses go up and down. When you're grossing 8.9 Billion dollars a year, you are bound to have a few years where you don't increase your profit.
I understand that there are ups and downs in a free market economy. The problem is that the film industry has seen double-digit growth every year for many years. It's not because the films have been better overall (although you can attribute huge growth over the last 3-5 years due to box office giants like the Lord of the Rings trilogy and the Star Wars prequels). The biggest reason for this growth is in the number of new theaters opening nationwide and increases in ticket prices. With more screens opening more films and prices keeping in line with inflation, you're going to see growth without a major increase in viewership.
However, this is the first year where box office revenue was down each week compared to the year before for nearly 20 weeks. That's four months where, despite more screens and higher ticket prices than a year before, Hollywood could not get people to come to the theater to see a movie. That means that the crap they put out during September through December couldn't appeal to audiences like the year before. That's including the Oscar season in December when the studios put out their best films right before everyone votes on awards.
A drop of even 5% represents a bigger loss of revenue than just 5%. With more screens and higher ticket prices than the year before, the loss represents more like a 10-15% drop in revenue. Add that to the ever-increasing costs of films today (the average is $40 million…even for a suck-out comedy like Duece Bigalow: Euopean Giggalo), and the drop in revenue hurts even more. Falling revenue plus increased overhead equals huge loss in profits. This is why Hollywood is freaking out. They try to blame it on DVD sales and rentals, but DVDs (like the article that you sent said) are staggering in sales as well. That means people REALLY don't want to see the crop of films Hollywood is pumping out. I've stopped renting at the pace I'm used to because most of the new stuff that comes out is crap I never want to see.
Anyway, thanks for writing.
Next, Mark Webb from London wants to comment on my Jordan=Pam Anderson comment from last week.
Hi Chris: In your last column you stated that Jordan was the British version of Pamela Anderson. Well I'm from England and that, my friend, is total BS. Although they both have ample 'charms' I consider Pamela to be much better in all ways. Where as Jordon is nothing but a slag, she would be more suited to be called the British Paris Hilton because she has no sense and is as dumb as a piece of wood.
I agree whole-heartedly. However, I think you're giving Pamela a little too much credit. Really, the only reason she works is because she has huge tits, a tight ass and loves to show them both off on a regular basis. It's not that there's a huge gap in talent between the two. Jordan is also a model, which means she does far more than Paris will ever do.
My comparison is that they are both blonde bombshells with big tits and a celebrity sex video on the internet. But, if you look at them side-by-side, they also look a lot alike as well. Of course, I'm not looking at their faces all that much…
Thanks for writing in. And if you want to give a shout out to me, email me and let me know how you feel. And a little word of advice to everyone…my name is CRIS and not CHRIS. No "h" in my name. My parents said that Chris with an "h" is short for Christ and that's a lot for a little kid to live up to. Needless to say, this was a joke by my parents that I didn't get for several years, and the trauma has faded quite nicely. But it does explain my twisted sense of humor.
It's about time someone did this…
Harrison Ford has given Steven Spielberg and George Lucas a two-year time frame to make the fourth Indiana Jones film. The ageing star is confident the next installment of the heroic adventurer's exploits will make it to the big screen eventually, but he's keen to hurry the process along.
The 63-year-old says, "It's looking very good to do another one. I haven't felt this positive about it happening in a long time... but if it doesn't happen in the next two years we should all forget it." The film is tentatively scheduled to begin production next year.
People have been sitting on their hands too much with this production, and a lot of this is George Lucas' fault. He wavered on a script, and wanted to help craft it. It took him 20 years to write a Star Wars prequel script. Just think of what it will take for an Indy sequel.
The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Here's another new segment to pay tribute to the ever-growing mistakes made by network journalists and 24-hour news networks. This award is in honor of the great Bill O'Reilly, whose constant blathering continues to tell us lowly "ham and eggers" what journalism really is. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. We wouldn't know bad journalism without you. *sarcasm included for free*
According to CNN, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has asked that a ban on CNN journalists in Iran be lifted and that the network be allowed to continue working in the country, according to a report by the official Iranian news agency IRNA early Tuesday.
IRNA reported Monday that the Iranian government banned CNN journalists from working in the country after a translation error broadcast by CNN mistakenly quoted Iran's president as saying his nation has the right to build nuclear weapons. The dispute arises from a moment of simultaneous translation Saturday. As Ahmadinejad was speaking, an interpreter working for a translation company hired by CNN misquoted him as having said Iran has the right to build nuclear weapons. In fact, he said Iran has the right to nuclear energy, and that "a nation that has civilization does not need nuclear weapons." He added, "our nation does not need them."
The incorrect translation was re-broadcast on CNN later Saturday. As soon as it was alerted to the error Sunday, CNN corrected the translation and clarified Ahmadinejad's remarks, and the network apologized. In a written statement, CNN said it "apologized on all its platforms which included the translation error, including CNN International, CNNUSA and CNN.com, and also expressed its regrets to the Iranian government and the Iranian ambassador to the U.N."
The translation company, Lesley Howard Languages, apologized to CNN. "Obviously, we're taking it very, very seriously. We will never use him again," owner Lesley Howard said, referring to the interpreter. She said the same interpreter, who like other interpreters is contracted for individual projects, has done good work in the past, including for CNN.
She added that there is no reason to believe the interpreter purposely gave the wrong translation. "We pride ourselves on having incredibly high standards," Howard said.
Mistakes aside, leave it to CNN to escalate tensions between the U.S. and Iran. Because what this country needs right now is another war in Arab lands. Thanks CNN for your ever-vigilant need to report the news before you can validate it, and, in the process, raise our DEFCON status a couple of points and put the military on high alert. The world owes you a great debt.
Sex and TV don't mix? Since when?
Reuters reports on a study by an Italian sexologist who has found that couples who have a TV set in their bedroom have sex half as often as those who don't. "If there's no television in the bedroom, the frequency (of sexual intercourse) doubles," said Serenella Salomoni whose team of psychologists questioned 523 Italian couples to see what effect television had on their sex lives.
On average, Italians who live without TV in the bedroom have sex twice a week, or eight times a month. This drops to an average of four times a month for those with a TV, the study found. For the over-50s the effect is even more marked, with the average of seven couplings a month falling to just 1.5 times.
The study found certain programs are far more likely to impede passion than others. Violent films will put a stop to sexual relations for half of all couples, while reality shows stem passion for a third of couples. In America, Bill O'Reilly stops passion in everything, everywhere…except falafels.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "Free Nick Lachey!" Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Jessica Simpson's soon to be ex-husband, Nick Lachey, is narrowing down his search for a new woman after splitting from the singer last year. He told Elle magazine that he wants a Jessica Alba look-a-like who has bedded fewer than 10 guys.
The former boy band star is on the hunt for his next great love, even though he admits "Jessica is the hottest woman I've ever seen". But Lachey reveals he desires a sexy Latina lover. He says, "Jessica Alba's beautiful. So is Eva Mendes." He also has fixed ideas about his next woman's sexual history: "I'm all for 10 (sexual partners) and under, but, of course, as you get older, that number becomes less realistic." Lachey also expects his new lady to understand his love of sports - unlike Simpson - and appreciate his musical career. *laugh* He adds, "I hope that she'll at least respect my music. If she didn't like it, I could live with that."
Well, ever the do-gooder that I am, I'll help Mr. Lachey in finding just the right woman to woo. Obviously, intelligence is not that big of a deal. However, it looks like she needs to be busty, Latin (or "look Latin"), and is not a slut. I'll try my best.
I'll refrain from the Jessica Alba reference because of the overexposure backlash that might happen to my column (I get enough of that with Pam Anderson…and Angelina Jolie…and Vida Guerra). However, there's always my personal favorite…Vida Guerra.
However, she likes to shoot naked pictures of herself with her cell phone. Maybe not in the "10 or less sexual partners" category.
Sofia Vergara is a nice choice…
She's Latin, hot as hell, busty, and stupid enough to date Tom Cruise. The added bonus is that she has one fewer sexual partners than what we think.
The "out of left field" pick would be sultry former MTV VJ, Daisy Fuentes.
She's Latin, hot and about as obscure as Lachey will be in a year or two. Should make for a good couple, although she's probably smarter than Jessica. Not sure about the sexual partner side of things, but I'm willing guess that she's a fine woman with unimpeachable morals.
You could always go for hottie porn star Nikki Nova.
Being a porn star, she comes nowhere close to the "10 and under" requirement. Then again, after taking one look at her, I doubt he'll mind.
I'll also include an Anglo for Mr. Lachey, in case he's still in the mood for Jessica-lite. Here's former WWE Diva Christy Hemme.
She's busty, not that bright and unemployed…just like Nick. However, if she's a ring rat like Lita…
…then the "10 and under" thing is out of the question.
Finally, I'll submit the hot piece of Latina that gets every boy band singer "up and going"…Ricky Martin.
Did I burn your eyeballs out with that one? Good! That's for all of you perverts who only click on my column for the pictures and fail to read the rest of the column. Quit wasting paper towels in the employee bathroom, you googler! And, no I'm not gay.
From Pimpstick To Pulpit
Holla atcha playa! David Hardy has more news and haiku reviews for you, including several cute pictures of Umad herself, Michelle Trachtenberg, in the latest Hardywood Holler.
Steve Vicious gives way too much publicity to MTV and their crappy shows. Otherwise, it's another stellar edition of The Vicious TV News Wrap.
George H. Sirois should get a medal for doing the impossible…finding something good about Batman & Robin. Check out his latest Scene Anatomy 101.
Finally, this week marks the third anniversary of the great and powerful Trogdor the Burninator. If you want to see how the legend became reality, click here. Happy Trogday!
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
Underworld-Evolution: Hope this is as good as the first.
The New World: Terrance Malick and his second opening for the film. What a dink…
That's a wrap for another week at the Warped News. To keep you warm during the cold winter days, picture yourself enjoying the tropical ocean on a jet-ski.
Of course having Trish Stratus on the jet-ski doesn't hurt. See you next week.
