Warped News 01.26.06: Only “The Cruise” Knows Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 01.26.2006
Learn the secrets of “The Rack” and how to gather Paris’ DNA on the next CSI: 411Mania…only on CBS. It’s what to watch!
Hello again dear readers. Another Thursday brings another great take on the latest Hollywood news and gossip. This week, there's plenty for everyone. We have idiots, gossip, business news and much more. So, strap in and hold on. It's a boobalicious haven for the bizarre and sublime that I like to call…
All the News, New and Improved
The Disney Stock Watch™ - The NOOOOOOOOOO! Edition
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this column, this is the section where I delve into the business dealings of the Walt Disney Company to show you why owning Disney stock is a risky business. Unfortunately, Disney has been making some great business decisions lately, and this section has not been seen in a couple of months. What I'm about to report is good news for Disney shareholders, but bad news for the rest of us.
ABC News is reporting that Disney has bought Pixar Animations for $7.4 billion. The deal makes Pixar's CEO, Steve Jobs (who also heads Apple Computer), Disney's largest shareholder. Jobs will now be a commanding presence in the film, entertainment, technology, computer and music industry through Apple's iTunes Music Store. He has ruled out becoming Disney's chairman in the future but has not turned down a board of directors position.
The all-stock deal in which 2.3 Disney shares will be issued for each Pixar share should go through by the end of the summer. For Disney and the relatively new CEO Robert Iger, the deal secures what has been a hugely valuable source of animated hits.
Disney and Pixar have released six films together, with a seventh, Cars, on the way this summer. But the partnership between the two companies had deteriorated in recent years when Jobs openly feuded with longtime Disney CEO Michael Eisner. Iger, who succeeded Eisner in October, made a priority of smoothing over relations with Jobs, and was in the midst of renegotiating the distribution pact, which expires in June with the release of Cars. In an interview with ABC News after the announcement, Jobs acknowledged Iger's role in making the agreement happen. "What this is really about is buying into Bob Iger's vision of where Disney is going," Jobs said. "I couldn't have imagined this happening a year or two ago."
Iger and Jobs also discussed the role that Apple could play as a distribution arm for Disney entertainment. Disney already has an agreement that makes some of Disney's entertainment programming available for sale at Apple's iTunes music store. "Technology is providing different ways to distribute entertainment and different ways for people to access it," Iger said. "Our deal with Apple and iTunes is a perfect example of that, and I think we'll continue to more forward."
The combined company is expected to maintain the basic working structure that Disney and Pixar relied on before, with Disney providing distribution and co-financing for Pixar's computer-animated features.
One of the questions surrounding the negotiations was what would happen to Pixar Executive Vice President John Lasseter, who has a track record of producing money-making movies. Lasseter will become the chief creative officer of the animation studios, as well as principal creative adviser at Walt Disney Imagineering.
I've gone on record many times stating that Pixar joining forces with Disney is a "no win" situation. Pixar had the clout to produce anything they wanted, without Disney breathing down their necks. Without The Mouse, Pixar could produce animated features for other companies…such as Warner Bros. owned DC Comics or Marvel Entertainment…and make a fortune off of it.
But now, they're stuck with Disney. I hope Jobs is satisfied with Iger's leadership. Because this is something he can't pull out of or renegotiate. This is permanent.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "Secrets of ‘The Rack' Revealed" Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Star Magazine reports that Jennifer Love Hewitt may soon be a centerfold. "Jennifer has received some really big-bucks offers for years from magazines, including Playboy, to pose nude," but she has always laughed off the idea, a close friend tells Star People.
Although Hewitt has a hit with CBS's "Ghost Whisperer", she still wants a film career and doesn't feel she's getting the right scripts. "She always gets offered a cute little sidekick role," another friend says. "She told me that maybe a sexy magazine layout with her showing her assets might give her a little edgier image and she might be considered for a femme fatale role. She knows she can pull it off, but she thinks casting directors aren't so sure."
I really don't care about her roles. I just care about "The Rack." It has teased men for years, and I think we're due. You can't show that much cleavage for that long without some closure. A nice tasteful Playboy shoot is all we ask…or a Halle Berry Monster's Ball love scene. That's it. Is that too much to ask?
It was the folly of yoot…
A college student in South Florida claims actor Joe Pesci punched him in the face when he snapped a photograph of the star. According to a report by CBS Channel 4 in Boca Raton, Juan Carlos Montenegro of Fort Lauderdale claims Pesci gave him a fat lip Sunday in the parking lot of a Jamba Juice store in Boca Raton, Fla. He told police afterward the actor stated, "You shouldn't have been interrupting my business."
According to the police report, Montenegro, a student at Broward Community College, says he first saw the Oscar-winner in front of a Circuit City store and shook his hand. He then went inside to buy a camera, and came out to ask Pesci if he could take his picture. "Not now," was Pesci's purported response, as he kept walking to his car. Montenegro claims he followed Pesci, 62, who suddenly stopped and pulled an about face.
The student says he then snapped a photo, and the "furious" actor nailed Montenegro with a fist. "It was a shock. I didn't see it coming at all," Montenegro told the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, adding the blow made him lean over. Pesci's attorney, Jay Julien, was not available for comment.
Montenegro reportedly took pictures of both the man's face and his own injuries, and turned his camera over to police, who will determine whether there's enough evidence to turn the case over to the Palm Beach County State Attorney's Office. There were no independent witnesses to the alleged incident.
Despite being whacked, Montenegro says he's still a fan of the actor. "I may have gotten him on a bad day," he told the paper. Or, on the hand, you bugged the sh*t out of him by constantly getting in his face and following him around. Most people would want me to make Pesci my Craftsman Tool of the Week™, but if I were Pesci, I might have done the same thing. The guy went into the store, bought a camera, and pestered Pesci for a picture. As far as I'm concerned, the punk got what he deserved.
God, I hope somebody gets the title of this segment…
The MPAA: Cruel Bitch Goddess of Irony
The Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA) stands accused of breaking its own piracy guidelines after it admitted making unauthorized copies of a film submitted to it for classification. Ladies and gentlemen…the shat has hit the flan.
The Los Angeles Times reports that film director Kirby Dick is accusing the organization of illegally copying his latest documentary "This Film Is Not Yet Rated" which was sent to the MPAA back in November. The film is to debut at the Sundance Film Festival this Wednesday and happens to take a critical look at the workings of the MPAA.
According to the LA Times, Dick is "very upset and troubled" by the MPAA's admission that it had made copies of his work. The Association claims the director is just making mischief to drum up publicity for the movie. Dick's lawyer has written to the MPAA demanding explanations.
The film puts the work of the MPAA in the spotlight, accusing it of being too hard on sex, too soft on violence and publicly unaccountable. Ironically, the MPAA rated the film NC-17. According to the MPAA's own website, "Manufacturing, selling, distributing or making copies of motion pictures without the consent of the copyright owner is illegal."
Ummm, if you go after movie pirates with the tenacity of a pit bull on ‘roids, you shouldn't be copying other people's film yourself. What happened is that the MPAA probably made copies to show lawyers to see if litigation was possible. However, that is a direct violation of copyright laws. The MPAA did not buy a copy of the film and made a copy for backup purposes…the only time, at least according to the U.S. Supreme Court, where copying a film is legal. The MPAA received their copy from the filmmaker for rating purposes. It should have been stored away or destroyed after they made their ratings decision.
I think Dick *stop snickering* has a case and should take them to court. If the MPAA wants to get Medieval on the asses of movie pirates to discourage film copying, then they better not copy films themselves.
So, where's the celebrity sex tape? Not that I care this time…
WENN reports that drummer Fabrizio Moretti and girlfriend Drew Barrymore were left red-faced recently when they were caught having sex in the bathroom at a New York opera house. Sometimes, the real world is stranger than fiction.
Moretti tells Jane magazine, "I had sex in the bathroom at the opera a little while ago, in New York. We went to La Boheme and it was wicked boring. So we decided to go to the bathroom, and we got caught, and it was embarrassing. If we'd gone to the men's room, people would've heard it and said, 'Good on you, man.' But we were in the ladies' room, and when we heard an old woman start to tinkle, we couldn't help but crack up. I guess she told the security guy - he came in and was, like, 'Just go.'" How wicked stupid.
I don't know about you guys, but I don't consider Drew to be that much of a hottie. For cryin' out loud! Her definition of starfu**ing is schtooping Tom Green! That's the only thing worse than schtooping Dennis Rodman or Tommy Lee.
And, no, you will not get a picture of Drew in a bikini. Deal with it.
R.I.P Nice Guy
Entertainment Tonight confirmed that actor Chris Penn, who is the younger brother of Infinite Tool Sean Penn, has died. Investigators were on the scene Tuesday, where Penn was found dead in Santa Monica, CA. He was 40.
"The Penn family would appreciate the media's respect of their privacy during this difficult time," Sean's publicist said in a statement. The Los Angeles County Coroner's office has said toxicology tests will be performed but the results will not be released for several weeks.
Penn was best known as Nice Guy Eddie in Reservoir Dogs, but also appeared in movies such as Rush Hour and True Romance, and on episodes of the television shows "Entourage" and "Everwood." Penn is survived by his mother, Eileen Ryan, and brothers Sean and Michael.
Penn was a character actor who started his career off with some meaty rolls in some pretty big films…co-starred with Tom Cruise in All the Right Moves, Kevin Bacon in Footloose, and Clint Eastwood in Pale Rider. Then, he got a big boost from Reservoir Dogs. But then suddenly, his career took a sharp detour and he's playing bit roles in B-films. He was a good actor, and didn't cling to his more famous brother for notoriety. He will be missed. I swear Tom Seizemore would beat him to the grave.
Mix two 2nd-tier networks together and what do you get? A 3rd-tier network…
CBS and Warner Bros. announced via press release their intent to form a new 5th network, The CW, to be launched in the fall of 2006. It was also announced that Tribune Broadcasting and the CBS Corporation's UPN affiliates have agreed separately to sign 10-year affiliation agreements with the new network.
At the same time, it was announced that CBS Corporation and Warner Bros. Entertainment will cease operations of their respective networks -- UPN and The WB. The WB and UPN will continue to broadcast their respective network schedules independently until the fall. The CW will incorporate The WB's current scheduling model, which consists of a 6 night-13 hour primetime lineup. Basically, The CW will broadcast the best of both UPN and WB shows. In addition the WWE's "Smackdown," which has been a mainstay at UPN, is expected to play a role in the schedule.
In addition, The CW will also broadcast the Kids' WB! block of children's programming on Saturdays. Kids' WB! has been the broadcast network ratings champion since Fall 2000, capturing 16 consecutive sweep victories as the #1 Saturday morning kids' broadcaster. Of course, that's not saying much when you look at the competition.
This is an interesting concept. You take the best of two networks and put them together to form a new network that wants to compete. However, when one of those two networks is UPN, then things won't live up to expectations. Let's be honest…the only shows on UPN that pull ratings is Smackdown and "Veronica Mars." I know that "Everybody Hates Chris" is becoming a critical hit, but it's only been one season. I can't say this is a bad decision because it does make The CW a stronger network than either The WB or UPN. But I just can't help thinking that things will derail in the long run.
On the next episode of "Being Brandon Tartikoff"…
Here's a reoccurring section of the Warped News where I profile really dumb decisions made by TV executives, primarily at the Fox Network, which prove to the world that any jackass that has two eyes and can slam his/her head into a wall repeatedly can be a TV network executive. I'm frankly shocked that no one has done a reality TV show on this. Then again, the executives who pick these types of shows would never air how pathetically easy their jobs are.
This report is more of a preemptive strike. If you're a network executive, and chances are if you're reading this…you're not, please don't dignify this show with TV time. It cheapens the business…I mean more than usual. The Associated Press reports that Amy Fisher and Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco have agreed to appear together in a televised reunion. If this doesn't get the Four Horsemen mounting up, then nothing will!
All three have signed on for the appearance, which has yet to be sold to a network (thank God), television producer David Krieff told the New York Post. "It's time to just put it behind us," Fisher, now 31, told the newspaper. It's been over a decade. Why isn't it behind you now?
"We played this all out in a public eye. It'd be interesting to let the public see the healing process at the end. They saw everything else…why not let them see the final product?" Fisher continued. Because WE DON'T CARE!
Joey Buttafuoco, who was jailed for statutory rape following the 1992 shooting, said he planned to ask Fisher to explain her actions. "I've been asked about a million times by Mary Jo, 'Why did Amy shoot me?' I was never able to get that answer," said Buttafuoco.
"There's going to be a lot of shocking revelations, and that's why I'm excited to sit down to do this," he said. Yeah, I'm sure the money had nothing to do with it. This project just needs to die, and die quickly. If we live in the Age of Instantaneous Celebrity, it was this trio that started it. They should pay with our apathy.
Fark.com Presents: The Movie/TV Photoshop of the Week
Just because, I'm bringing this one back to show you some hysterical photoshopped pics based on movies or TV shows. This time around, they poked fun at my favorite TV show, "24."
Topic: Official photoshop contest for "24"-watching farkers to put in profile…
Harland_mtc shows us why Jack never sweats:
brakka thinks that Jack looks a lot like an owl…
Forget Nick Fury. Jocutus has replaced him with Almeida…Tony Almeida.
Finally, Folded_Soup explains it all…
Just remember, Tartus is not a sauce…
SCI FI Channel announced on January 12th that it will air the first season of the BBC's hit series "Doctor Who", starting in March. The 13 episodes, starring Christopher Eccleston as the Doctor and Billie Piper as Rose Tyler, will air as part of SCI FI Fridays at 9 p.m. ET/PT.
The series ran originally in the United Kingdom last year and was one of the network's biggest hits ever. The series continues in the U.K. with an upcoming second season that will star David Tennant as the Doctor.
Meanwhile, BBC Video announced that it has moved the proposed U.S. release date of the "Doctor Who" first-season DVD set to July 4 from its originally planned February launch.
I love the original "Doctor Who" shows that would come up every so often on PBS. K-9 was my favorite character. I'm interested in seeing where they take the Doctor Who mythos. I just never tune in to the Sci-Fi Channel anymore. They messed up more shows than Fox could ever imagine. However, I'll be looking out for this.
Who am I kidding? Here's your damn picture!
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. And this week's winner is – PARIS HILTON.
And yes, this has always gone without saying. But this week, she went over and above the call of duty. And yes, Stavros was involved.
A Hawaiian cab driver claims Paris urinated on the backseat of his cab. According to the National Enquirer magazine, the brain-dead heiress and socialite didn't even notice because she was so drunk. Taxi driver Harden Jamison claims he picked up Paris and her boyfriend Stavros Niarchos after they'd been at a party in Maui. He was left stunned after discovering a wet patch on the seat after the pair got out.
However, the quick thinking cabbie mopped the mess up with a towel, which he claims he has kept as DNA evidence of Paris' peeing. Ewwwwww! It probably, in the immortal words of Jane from "Firefly", smells like crotch.
But, we're not done with Paris yet. WENN tells us something that we already know…Paris is about as bright as a dark room. An internet news site obtained a copy of the celebrity whore's deposition in connection with a defamation lawsuit filed last year. Zeta Graff, the ex-girlfriend of Hilton's former boyfriend Paris Latsis, claimed Hilton planted lies about her in New York Post gossip column Page Six and filed for extensive damages. According to Graff's suit, Hilton fabricated a fight she had with the diamond heiress at a London club in the article, claiming Graff went "berserk" and allegedly attacked her.
Hilton has since admitted the incident never took place, but has denied planting the story in the Post. According to Tmz.com, in her deposition, she was asked by Graff's lawyer if she was aware that UK tabloids had picked up the story from the Post. Hilton responded "No...there is stuff in London," at which point her own attorney, Larry Klein, points out, "London is a UK publication." Hilton then retorts, "Right. UK. Whatever."
Later on, Hilton has an inappropriate dig at her accuser, stating, "She is old and should stay at home with her child, instead of being at night clubs with young people... She is not cute at all." In yet another ill-advised comment, Hilton talks about her European travels, stating, "I was in Europe the whole summer, and all there is like French... I didn't see anything because I wasn't in America."
Seeing things like this makes you question the superiority of private schools. Anyway, because Paris pees like a race horse (which means she goes whenever, wherever) and took that day off in school when they "you know, talked about stuff", Ms. Hilton is…
My First Craftsman: Toy Big Rig Tool Box Truck
Sears item #05220952000 Mfr. model #117099
A great gift for ages 5-8, and a good place to store your urine.
The only problem with this is that I wouldn't mind having one of these. It's pretty cool!
Beware "The Cruise"…pt. 2
According to the popular World Entertainment News Network, a sex scene between Katie Holmes and Aaron Eckhart has been deleted from the new movie Thank You For Smoking…leading insiders to claim Tom Cruise exerted his superstar influence to ensure its removal.
In Thank You For Smoking, Holmes' and Eckhart's characters partake in a raunchy love scene which was conspicuous by its absence when the film was screened at the Sundance Film Festival. The sexy shots were present when the movie was shown at the Toronto Film Festival in Canada last year. Director Jason Reitman humorously told reporters at Sundance the romp was cut due to a "technical glitch," before adding, "If you want to see a sex scene with Katie Holmes, rent The Gift."
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "My Name is Hottie" Edition
Here's more googling pleasure for you. The Associated Press writes on how Jaime Pressly's breakout character on NBC's "My Name Is Earl," is more than a dozen characters from the South rolled into one. Specifically, Pressly says she modeled the way Joy talks from three states: a nasally tone she's heard from women in Virginia, the way she's seen some Arkansas women talk out of the side of their mouths, and her own fast-talking North Carolina accent.
Pressly's feisty character, Earl's ex-wife, has become a hero for women who approach Pressly and say Joy says exactly what they would like to say. "I've thoroughly enjoyed playing her from the day I set foot on that set," the 28-year-old actress said Sunday. The range she's shown with Joy - a gutsy woman who sometimes shows her insecurities - has enabled her to break down stereotypes about her as an actress, she said. "They've never looked at me as someone who could play a vulnerable role," she said.
To the woman who has broadened her range as an actor…a photo tribute.
From Pimpstick To Pulpit
The 411 Guru of Movie Reviews, Jacob Ziegler, gives us his 10 Best and Worst Films of 2005. For the record, I kinda liked Mr. & Mrs. Smith. I won't buy it, but it wasn't half bad.
Steve Vicious gives you the lowdown on the latest TV news and reviews, plus gives you an extra busty pic of Scarlett Johansson in the Vicious TV News Wrap.
It wouldn't be a Scott Rutherford column without a disturbing Muppet picture. *my eyes burn*
Arnold Furious hits you with 5 quick reviews of 5 classic films, including one of my favorites, in the latest Furious On Film. Mmmmm, Throne of Blood.
Plus, Will Helm takes a look at one of the most loved, yet Misunderstood cult comedies of all time…D.C. Cab.
My 411 Music counterpart, Rhett Walker, wants to piss you off. Don't worry, my friend. Never have truer words been spoken about Kurt Cobain and Nirvana. And let's not even mention how his suicide put that no-talent crack ho Courtney Love into the limelight…the effects of which we still feel today. As I've said many times, when Kurt Cobain pulled the trigger, my ears stopped bleeding. His didn't, but mine did.
New to theatres…
Annapolis: Wasn't this An Officer and a Gentleman?
Big Momma's House 2: I think my temple's throbbing…
Nanny McPhee: The most interesting of the group, and a family film to boot.
