Misunderstood Masterpieces: Used Cars
Posted by Will Helm on 01.31.2006
...or, Where Have I Seen All These People Before?
I don't know when it happened but, sometime in the past twenty-five years or so, the concept of the "pre-owned" car came into being. It could have very well been a product of the much maligned "politically correct" movement of the era or simply just a catchy turn of marketing phrase. For some reason, whatever reason, however, cars ceased being "used" and suddenly became "pre-owned" – and probably more expensive for it.
The reason that I can put a pretty good date of twenty-five years on the shift from "used" to "pre-owned" is that, in 1980, a wacky little comedy by the name of Used Cars was released to American cinemas. A touching tale of sibling rivalry and two battling used-car dealerships on the outskirts of Phoenix, Arizona, this entertaining little gem is a surefire inclusion into the hallowed halls of Misunderstood Masterpieces. Why? Well, how many other films feature a majority of actors who have already been enshrined herein? Don't believe me? Used Cars stars Kurt Russell (Big Trouble in Little China); Gerritt Graham (Phantom of the Paradise); Deborah Harmon and the late, great Wendie Jo Sperber (Bachelor Party); Joe Flaherty (Freddy Got Fingered); David L. Lander (The Man with One Red Shoe); and Michael McKean (Clue). Amazingly, even El Guapo himself, Alfonso Arau (¡Three Amigos!) makes an appearance! Of course, despite a pedigree such as this, Used Cars still requires a proper vetting before becoming a true Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . and I'm just the man to vet.
Appropriately for the title of the picture, the film begins at, of all things, a run-down used-car lot. In one of the many GIANT late ‘70s model cars, some guy tinkers with the odometer, rolling it back a bit. And just who is this unethical gentleman? None other than notably sleazy used-car salesman Rudy Russo (Russell)! After manually adjusting the mileage of one of his automobiles, Rudy then repairs another with a strategically placed bit of chewing gum. Next thing you know, he'll get out the duct tape . . . that stuff can do anything! Before settling into a day chock full of selling lemons to unsuspecting dupes, Rudy also makes sure to hide a few broken windows and cursorily fix a few flat tires as well.
After polishing up the wonderful junk he has on the lot, Rudy gives a good natured "hello" to the crotchety proprietor of the used-car lot across the street, Roy Fuchs (Jack Warden). His charade as a friendly neighbor now finished, Rudy has a visit from the one and only El Guapo (Arau), used-car wholesaler! Fittingly for a Mexican crime lord, the cars that El Guapo delivers may or may not have been garnered legitimately, since a few of them appear to be very badly painted taxis. Rudy doesn't worry about it, however, since any car is a saleable car. And, along that line – pun very much intended – he and his overly superstitious colleague Jeff (Graham) go fishing for a customer, sending a ten-dollar bill on a line across the street as bait. The schlub over at Roy Fuchs' place crosses the road – surviving a horde of oncoming traffic – and once he's at the opposing dealership, Rudy tries to sell the guy a Buick . . . because no one buys a Buick voluntarily. Honestly, when's the last time someone got REALLY excited over a Buick? Oh, and, in addition to selling cars of dubious origin, Rudy is also running for state senate. Hmm . . . I didn't know they were working political satire into this as well.
Meanwhile, crotchety Roy Fuchs yells at his lawyer, Joe Flaherty, for no reason in particular. I guess he didn't get his fruit cup and now he's cranky. Meanwhile, over at the other dealership, Roy Fuchs' slightly less crotchety brother Luke (Warden) scolds Rudy for his less-than-ethical salesmanship. Rudy, apropos considering his aspirations, replies to his boss with a seeming stump speech, as he is an admitted politician-in-training. After getting his political jones out of the way, Rudy then proposes a very risky marketing campaign to his boss; instead of agreeing to destroy every last ounce of integrity left in his business, Luke simply consents to lending Rudy the money he needs to buy himself a nomination. Well, that's awfully nice of him, especially since he has a bit of an episode or something moments later.
Not so nice, however, is Roy's scheming, as he wants his brother's lot and, even more sinisterly, he wishes for his brother's demise to give it to him. I wonder if there's any weird karma going on since they're the same actor playing two different roles. That seems a bit too complicated for my tastes. Later that evening, the villainous Roy sends a henchman, who happens to be an evil mechanic, over to Luke's to cause some trouble. Luke, since he's a kind, elderly gentleman, agrees to take the henchman out for a test drive in a killer '57 Bel Air; Luke doesn't have a chance to realize something is amiss, however, as he is more concerned about a recent phone call from his prodigal daughter, who probably called just to tell him about an IMPORTANT PLOT POINT.
Anyway, the test drive, unfortunately for Luke, turns into a ride from hell and then, once they return to the lot, Luke has a fatal heart attack . . . which helps Rudy make a sale, oddly enough. The old man was a savvy businessman even in death. While Roy watches intently from across the street, Jeff freaks out while Rudy and their quiet mechanic Jim (Frank McRae) plot their next move. Meanwhile, Roy himself is plotting an evil scheme of his own; little does he know that Rudy wants some measure of REVENGE as well as the ability to keep the lot. In order to aid in the latter result, Rudy, Jeff, and Jim elect to hold an impromptu funeral for Luke behind the wheel of the old man's Edsel; during the stirring eulogy, Rudy pledges to run the lot well in Luke's unfortunate absence . . . and then they bury him, in the car, in a pit on the lot. He wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
The next day, with Luke's apparent demise on his mind, Roy comes over to his brother's lot for a little visit – with Flaherty in tow – but he's nonplussed when he learns that, according to Rudy, Luke took off to Miami for no reason in particular. Now with Luke out of the way and Roy confused as to his brother's fate, Rudy enacts his plot to help advertise the used-car business in a very unorthodox manner, specifically breaking into the broadcast of a local football game with a pirate signal! Later that evening, at said football game, Rudy and Jeff rehearse the soon-to-be-impromptu commercial and then they don comical disguises to hide their features . . . badly. Of course, that really should be a signal that hilarity is about to ensue as, once the crew breaks into the feed and the cameras start rolling, the scene breaks down into a Dada-esque festival of absurdity and nudity . . . and all the little kids watching at home love it! I guess someone was thinking about the children for once, then.
The next day, the lot is packed with curious customers willing to find out more about the business advertised in the illicit commercial, so Rudy, Jeff, and Jim work on a VERY hard sell to the bulk of them. Some of the more wonderful tactics include ethnic humor, physical violence, and – the pièce de résistance – a dog faking its own death to help sell cars. Meanwhile, across the street, a very concerned – and crotchety – Roy yells at Flaherty because he wants REVENGE against his upstart competitors. In order to help that REVENGE along, Roy enlists the help of a circus on his lot to bring in family-friendly customers. Conversely, over at Luke's, Rudy uses a little bit of titillation in the form of disco strippers to entice the masses to cross the street over to his business . . . and they do. Upset by, apparently, the rampant iniquity inherent in the used-car business, Roy takes to the airwaves to slander Rudy and his practices . . . and he does it with neither a hint of irony or hypocrisy. I guess it's one thing to hasten your brother's death, but it's another thing to involve disco strippers in legitimate auto sales.
After a long day of swindling innocent dupes, Rudy returns to his stately trailer home – I wonder if he has any Jeff Foxworthy tapes; his shtick is popular in those circles . . . ironically – where he triumphantly listens to "Hail to the Chief" while hoarding his somewhat ill-gotten gains in his refrigerator. Rudy's celebration comes to a screeching halt, however, when Jeff calls him up and tells him to turn on the television. There, Rudy watches in horror as crotchety Roy shouts a crotchety diatribe against the amoral selling tactics of Rudy and his compatriots. Dum-dum-DUM!
Perhaps to get back at Roy for his indignation – or perhaps as another bit of political satire – Rudy plans on one-upping his last illegal transmission by a large margin, this time by breaking into the broadcast of a presidential address! Jimmy Carter's going to be very unhappy . . . if that's even possible. Maybe it's just part of the whole "general malaise" thing. Anyway, even though Jeff is quite perturbed by the concept of breaking an innumerable amount of laws and regulations just for a car commercial, he needn't worry, as they have resident techies Lenny (McKean) and Squiggy (Lander) on their side.
Unfortunately, before a full scale debate on the sanctity and cleanliness of the U.S. airwaves can break out, Rudy and Jeff are distracted by a mysterious HOT CHICK (Harmon) who is busy kicking tires of cars on the lot. While Jeff stays behind, unnerved by the presence of a red car – he's pathologically afraid of red cars, for some reason – Rudy goes out to face her alone. In lieu of actually selling her a car, and perhaps suspicious that she's a plant for the Consumer Protection Agency or Better Business Bureau, Rudy decides that the best course of action is to merely hit on her. Hmm . . . if that's what he's selling, then maybe she should at least notify Consumer Protection. Or just make sure he has some sexual protection. Trojan Man would be proud. It seems that, instead of looking for some of Rudy's sweet lovin', she's looking for the owner and proprietor of the establishment who – as we know (but she doesn't) through dramatic irony – just happens to be buried in a shallow grave on the lot. Rudy, instead of coming clean with the truth and incriminating himself in a whole host of crimes, merely tells her that Luke is off in Miami for no particular reason. The HOT CHICK is disappointed and it isn't until a bit later that Rudy figures out why . . . she's Luke's daughter! See, I told you: IMPORTANT PLOT POINT.
That night, Rudy, perhaps looking to ply the HOT CHICK with some lies and a bit of seduction, takes her out to dinner. Over quite a few cocktails at the local bowling alley, the HOT CHICK, for some reason, comes to be enamored with Rudy's apparent ethical lack of ethics . . . if that makes any sense. Don't worry; she's drunk, so it's not supposed to make sense. The HOT CHICK, with her father absent from the scene, decides to move on to Oregon the next day, much to the relief of Rudy, who doesn't want any of Luke's next of kin digging around. Or perhaps not, as Rudy, who must be feeling odd pangs of guilt or sexual attraction, wants her to stay a bit longer, so the HOT CHICK, in her drunken stupor, sticks around . . . which may or may not be what she wanted and is probably way more than she bargained for.
After learning about Rudy's change of heart, his partners in crime – literally – freak out because they want her gone from the scene; witnesses are a bad thing, folks. Rudy, meanwhile, feels guilty for his actions, so he takes the HOT CHICK out to dinner again the following night and he very nearly tells her the truth about her father. Instead, thanks to an overly helpful waiter, Rudy then is forced to offer the HOT CHICK a trip to Miami to find her father . . . but she doesn't want to go since she's into Rudy. OK, maybe it's the booze. Meanwhile, in Washington, D.C., where crazy Gary Busey and Mr. T are busy driving cabs as we speak, Lenny and Squiggy stake out the White House. Back in the finest restaurant in the suburbs of Phoenix, Rudy – after seeing President Carter coming on television and realizing what's about to go down – comically attempts to keep the HOT CHICK from seeing the VERY illegal commercial. The commercial does go through and, in it, Jeff blasts crotchety Roy's cars with a shotgun . . . as well as Jim the mechanic. Don't worry, folks; he survives. Meanwhile, crotchety Roy watches the whole thing and kicks his television in anger; elsewhere, Rudy makes out with the HOT CHICK merely to distract her, but she's into it so it's a win-win situation.
After the broadcast, Jeff has a friendly visit from the Federal Bureau of Investigation, but he tells them that it was Iranian students that vandalized crotchety Roy's lot . . . Iranian students that looked a lot like Jeff dressed as a cowboy, but Iranian students nonetheless. Ah . . . there's nothing like dated humor. Oh . . . wait. Crotchety Roy, not so easily duped as the FBI, visits Jeff looking for a measure of REVENGE, so they have a slapstick brawl in the used-car office. Somehow, in the midst of threatening Jeff with murder, crotchety Roy has an epiphany and he suddenly goes back outside and discovers his brother's final resting place! Before Roy can bring the police down to bear on Rudy and his cohorts, the helpful dog alerts a sleeping Jim the mechanic – with a stream of urine . . . R. Kelly would be proud – to Roy's discovery! Jim the mechanic, wisely, calls up Rudy to tell him the shocking plot development; unfortunately for Rudy, he just happens to be getting it on with the HOT CHICK at the time. Damned crotchety used-car proprietors and their dead brothers! Why do they have to playa hate like that?
The next morning, unsurprisingly, there's a huge hubbub at the lot, with reporters, curious customers, and – after a brief period of calm – a horde of police officers looking for Luke's corpse. They start digging where crotchety Roy found the evidence last night, but it's all for naught as Jim the mechanic has dead Luke and his Edsel hidden behind a convenient stack of hay bales; Jim the mechanic then douses the car with gasoline and sends it careening across the street and into a convenient electrical transformer on crotchety Roy's lot, where it bursts into flames. Meanwhile, back at Rudy's trailer, there's TENSION as the HOT CHICK listens to Jim the mechanic's message from last night and learns of Rudy's terrible ruse! Back at the lot, however, crotchety Roy, thinking that he has finally inherited his brother's property, celebrates, but Rudy dashes his hopes by telling crotchety Roy that Luke's prodigal daughter is back in town and, technically, the lot is hers! Whoa . . . it's like Hamlet with used-car lots. Conveniently – why does it seem that I'm typing that a lot in this paragraph . . . this whole scene must be in place to get the movie moving toward its finale – the HOT CHICK daughter is there to inherit the lot and, instead of turning Rudy over to the police like a normal individual, she fires Rudy and his colleagues for their bad management. Well, it's not like the police can't figure out the true time of Luke's death and then figure out what's going on anyway.
Rudy, back at his trailers, attempts to sell rickety bicycles to local kids for cash, but – now an abject failure – he resigns himself to living with Jeff and Jim the mechanic . . . which sounds like the pitch for a TERRIBLE sitcom. Coming to you this fall on The CW. Jeff, perhaps the most optimistic of the lot, tells Rudy that he should bet on football to make the rest of his badly needed nomination money . . . and he and Jim the mechanic also want Rudy to call the HOT CHICK to make up with her. Of course, the possibility of them getting their jobs back is probably also in Jeff's mind, but he doesn't let it show. Well played, Jeff; well played, indeed.
Meanwhile, crotchety Roy schemes a way to get the HOT CHICK off of her lot until his lawyer, Joe Flaherty, calls up to notify him of a change in municipal plans! It seems that the local government is rushing the announcement of a freeway coming through there and crotchety Roy has to act fast in order to take advantage of it! Crotchety Roy, using the power of his deviousness, does take advantage by getting some video technician to adjust the HOT CHICK's latest – and terrible . . . there's no nudity or gunplay involved – commercial into blatant false advertising. Elsewhere, at a local bar, the kind where Bruce Springsteen would sit and talk about his glory days after they passed him by, Rudy and the guys watch the game and there's a measure of TENSION as Rudy also has forty thousand dollars riding on the game! It looks like the bet is all for naught, however, until Jeff uses his uncanny bad luck powers to wreck the bar and change the fortunes of the fake Kansas City team, who wins! Now Rudy's a shoo-in for the state senate!
The next morning, Rudy – clad in a spiffy new suit – collects his nomination money and meets with a local political boss; I guess Phoenix is lacking its own Thomas Nast, even in 1980. While Rudy and the fat-cat political guy chat in the back of a finely appointed limousine, Rudy learns about the freeway and the fate of the HOT CHICK's lot as she's now in court for false advertising and may lose it to crotchety Roy! Rudy, trusting his instincts as always, figures out that something is up with the whole scenario, so he steals his money from the political guy and makes his way to the local courthouse, perhaps to enact a JAILBREAK! AC/DC, of course, would be proud.
Over at the court, the HOT CHICK is on trial for false advertising and, just as I said before, Rudy shows up to help out . . . but there's no JAILBREAK. AC/DC: disappointed. The HOT CHICK, on the stand and facing Judge Grandpa Al Lewis, perjures herself on Rudy's coaxing since, of course, he has a plan. After the HOT CHICK reiterates the claim that she has a "mile of cars" – which was what she was made to say in the commercial through the art of crafty editing – on her lot, lawyer Joe Flaherty freaks out and Judge Grandpa Al Lewis elects to adjourn the court until later that day when they can go out and measure the number of cars in the HOT CHICK's lot. Is it just me or does the end of that last sentence seems like it should be a double entendre? Then again, who isn't turned on by hot, car-measuring action?
Later that day, with the HOT CHICK, Jeff, Jim the mechanic, and a battalion of high school students in tow, Rudy visits El Guapo looking for two hundred and fifty cars to fill the HOT CHICK's lot. Well, if you don't like hot car-measuring action, how about some steamy lot filling, then? Rudy buys the cars and then he enlists the high school students (including a very nervy Wendie Jo Sperber) to drive them back to the used-car lot. After some comedic deliberation among the student body, they take to the road and haul ass down an empty freeway through the desert.
Meanwhile, back in whatever Phoenix suburb this film is set in, crotchety Roy celebrates his impending victory with a spirited slot-car race . . . until his elation is rudely interrupted by the news that there's an apparent convoy of used cars heading that way! C.W. McCall would be proud. Back on the road, Jeff, who acts as Rudy's vanguard and scout, informs his partners of a police roadblock up ahead, so Rudy takes the cars off-road through the desert to avoid the potential delay. It's a fair gamble, but one that crotchety Roy is onto, as he and his cronies look to cut off Rudy and his crew in the sandy wastes. Crotchety Roy, perhaps unwisely at that speed, attempts to commandeer Rudy's truck, like some sort of used-car pirate, and, in the melee, Rudy gets knocked off . . . but luckily he lands in another car. In order to rescue the HOT CHICK and the operation, Rudy slowly climbs from car to car like a used-car Errol Flynn and then he fights off crotchety Roy, leaving him lying in the desert, probably to his doom.
Elsewhere on the road, Jeff, through a convoluted series of events, freaks out because he discovers that he's driving a red car! While Rudy and the rest of the students arrive at the lot, Jeff has a superstitious episode on the side of the highway . . . which is important because his car is desperately needed to make one mile! Rudy tries to convince Jeff to get moving but, with a train a' coming, the situation looks grim. Somehow, perhaps through the intervention of his lovable dog, Jeff works through his disorder and – somehow – uses a conveniently placed flatbed tow-truck to jump the train! Meanwhile, over at the HOT CHICK's lot, there's a bit of TENSION as it seems that the lot is one car short until Jeff barrels in and – with the help of an old, flip-down license plate – the HOT CHICK makes the mile and the case is dismissed! In the brief denouement, all the (somewhat) good guys celebrate while Judge Grandpa Al Lewis has crotchety Roy arrested for contempt. Ah, there's nothing like a clichéd resolution to make everything alright.
Just like D.C. Cab before it – or, more appropriately, after it – Used Cars is an endearing little comedy that, while not necessarily being good, is at least entertaining. Sometimes it doesn't hurt to just have a fun, raunchy movie once in a while, with no dumb dramatic subplots. You see, folks . . . this is how comedies should be made. I don't need any annoying "touchy-feely" bits to ground the picture in reality; just give me chicks and guns and fire trucks and hookers and drugs and booze and I'm a happy guy. Or I'm Pat O'Brien. That being said – even though I don't remember any hookers or drugs – Used Cars makes me a happy guy and that makes Used Cars a Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . as if it wasn't apparent by the cast anyway.
Join me next week as we study the lifestyles of the rich and famous' siblings and contemplate safe driving along the way. See you then!
