Oscars and Razzies, the Idiot Box, Comic News, and the Almighty Suck List
The List
You know, I had a big intro prepared, but I think it was pretty boring. Welcome to my take on movies, tv, and comics.
(breaking news) Oscar and Razzie Nominations
"Brokeback Mountain" leads the field of Acadamy Award contenders, to the surprise of no one, with eight nominations. The selection of actors and actresses was really excellent this year. The Best Director nods were less inspiring, but it was nice to see George Clooney nominated for helming "Good Night and Good Luck."
But on a much more interesting note, my beloved Razzie Awards made their nominations official, as well.
For the Razzie's, (The Golden Raspberry Awards, which honors the worst Hollywood has to offer) "Son of the Mask" is their "Brokeback," with a total of eight nominations. It nabbed a Worst Picture nod, along with "Dirty Love," "Deuce Bigelow European Gigilo," Dukes of Hazzard," and "House of Wax."
I have to say SHAME ON THEM for nominating "House of Wax." It was a solid little B horror picture. They are nominating it solely on the basis of Paris Hilton's presence, which I understand, but do not condone. After all, she did get a metal pipe through the head what else could you want from a movie?
The Rock gets a nod for Worst Actor for "Doom," but faces stiff competition from Will Ferrell, nominated for "Bewitched" AND "Kicking and Screaming." Will is the man to beat this year.
Man, do you guys remember when he used to be funny? When you could say (smiling) "Check it out, a new Will Ferrell movie!" instead of saying (rolling the eyes like Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack) "Christ, not another Will Ferrell movie!"
Worst Actress is probably the hottest category. We've got Jessica Alba for "Into the blue" and "Fantastic Four." Hillary Duff also gets the double-nod for "Cheaper by the Dozen 2" and "The Perfect Man" but never count out the fearsome Jennifer Lopez, for "Monster in Law."
For total coverage, check out www.Razzies.com
The Idiot Box
Rollergirl hits the skids
This story is too funny to be true. By "good" I mean "outrageous, maddening, and pathetic." You see, the network execs at ABC green-lighted a sitcom starring Heather Graham as a single girl in the big city. Everyone was trying to find a way to tap into that "Sex and the City" niche, you see, and thus the single worst series title in the history of television, "Emily's Reason's Why Not" was born.
One little slip-up said execs started promoting the show, having started production on six episodes, without ever reading a script. They were just sold on the concept, not worried about the nuts and bolts.
Now they have aired one episode, apparently read a script, and the show was been canceled after one episode.
Fucking hilarious.
The Lost Section
I'm not going to get deep into "Lost" this week, but I will in the weeks to come. Season two overview on the way, with some thoughts on what has been right and what has been wrong. But I will be speaking on the show from time to time, in great spoilerific detail, because it is one of the only shows I watch on a regular basis. It is, in fact, the only program I go out of my way to watch every week. Well, that and Oprah.
The latest installment of "Lost" was a Charlie-centric story. Right off that bat, that was a bad sign the Charlie flashbacks to his junkie days are always dull. Even his first flashback wasn't interesting, and they've been downhill since then. There were a few good ramifications presented by the episode for all intents and purposes it seems like Charlie has gone bananas. They could run with this storyline and make it mean something (perhaps the weaselly hobbit can get involved with the crazy French chick?) but as it stands, the episode was kind of a dud.
Not bad enough to make the Suck List, but not good.
The Pull List
Comics books are just as valid a form of media as movies or television or books, and I defy anyone to prove otherwise. These days, I get more satisfaction from my pull list of comics than I do from movies or television.
Be warned I am a comic fan, but not a fan boy. There is a difference.
Furthermore, SPOILER ALERT.
For those in the back, let me repeat. SPOILER ALERT.
This week I'm going to start with a little News update, for those of you folks that don't keep up with the major comings and goings in the comic universes.
Marvel de-powered all but 200 of their pantheon of mutants, in the wake of a massive crossover called "The House of M." It was a similar story to the "Age of Apocalypse" some ten years ago, only with Magneto ruling an alternate Earth instead of Apocalypse. Wolverine saves the day, gets his memories back, Scarlet Witch is the heel, but her brother Quicksilver is the real heel. But now everything is back to normal, more or less.
In "Other" Marvel news, Spider Man has been going through some changes. The last couple of years have seen a lot of talk about Peter Parker's powers being totemistic in nature. All of that came to a head in the 12-part crossover "The Other," which sees Spidey killed and reborn with "evolved" powers. He also got a new costume, which is a sort of a futuristic-armored-ninja deal that looks like the product of Iron Man and Doctor Octopus having drunken sex together. Seriously, it looks sleek, but it doesn't look like Spider Man. Why do they have to mess with things just to mess with them? Who thought Spider Man would be better if only he just had armored tentacles with stingers on the ends?
Meanwhile, DC is shaking up their entire universe with "Infinite Crisis," a sequel to the reality-shaking "Crisis on Infinite Earths" of twenty years ago. The Golden Age Superman has returned, disgusted with how today's heroes are too dark and violent, and wants to erase our reality and replace it with his own. Sounds standard, right?
But "Infinite Crisis" is not standard. DC is using this to streamline everything they have; from the eradicating of alien cultures ("The Rann-Thanagar War") to the outright obliteration of all magic in the universe by the Spectre ("Day of Vengeance") to an army of Batman-created cyborgs laying waste to the planet ("The Omac Project") to all of the world's super-villains uniting against the forces of good ("Villains United").
Paradise Island, home of Wonder Woman, is now gone from Earth. Bludhaven, scumbag sister of Gotham City and home of Nightwing, was destroyed by a nuke. The Speed Force ate Wally West and his whole family before expiring, leaving the Flash gone and the rest of the DC speedsters de-powered. The JLA has disbanded. Several folks have been killed, and everyone is pissed at Batman for unleashing Brother Eye and the Omacs on the world.
This is good stuff.
The only part I don't like is that there are just so damned many cross-overs and "epic events" these days, how can someone keep up without sacrificing the cash it takes to support other vices?
The Suck List in Detail
Beware the following two movies. They are at large, and should be considered armed (with boatloads of freshly-harvested suck) and dangerous (dangerously awful, anyway). If either of these movies are seen, please do not attempt to approach, handle, or under any circumstances view the movies.
"Transporter 2"
First up, a terrible sequel. The original "Transporter" wasn't great, but it wasn't completely worthless, either. There were a few neat car chases and one hot fight scene. The second movie ups the ante, plot-wise, but wastes our time with the cheesiest, most fake-looking action scenes since Nick Cage's big jump in "Gone in 60 Seconds."
Car stunts and cool acrobatics that should be eye-popping are instead stomach-churning, as they are all done with CGI and green-screen effects that are absolutely ridiculous looking. I cannot stress this enough watching a cartoon car just between buildings does nothing but piss me off. Therefore, none of the "exciting" action sequences are even remotely interesting. I like Jason Statham as an action-beefcake kinda guy, but he really needs to check his material a little better next time.
For good chases scenes and rousing fights, check out "Four Brothers." Unless you hate yourself and hate good movies, then you should watch "Transporter 2" and then write me an email telling me how awesome it is, and how I suk for not enjoying this turd.
From a crappy sequel to a shitty remake.
"The Fog"
I don't think anyone was surprised by the fact that this movie wasn't good. The original "The Fog" is not a classic don't get me wrong, it's good, and pretty scary in spots, but it's too uneven to be an all-time great but it had a subdued sense of dread lurking behind it. The film was low-tech, using actual fog and smoke, combined with lighting tricks and deep shadows, to create a somber and chilling feel. And since people use CGI instead of skill these days, it was obvious this movie was going to be lacking.
But even I was astounded at how amazingly bad this movie was. The creators made conscious choices to change everything about the original that worked, and trade-out for more bland, nonsensical options. The music sucks, the characters suck, the story has potential, but wastes every ounce of it, and the special effects royally suck.
The original "The Fog" featured black shapes in the mist, highlighted only by their glowing red eyes. Low-key, but effective. The new "Fog" has transparent ghosts that cast vague details over the foggy background. The effects don't look bad for a Disney movie, but they are absolutely not frightening or creepy in the least.
One month into the year, and already we have two dog-ass movies polluting the video stores. However, we do also have two great movies out there "Lord of War" and "the Aristocrats."
To recap
The Suck List for 1/31/05
1. ABC Network Executives
2. "Transporter 2"
3. "The Fog"
4. Michael Bay (permanent member, for his "Chainsaw Massacre" remake)
5. Too many comic book cross-overs. "Infinite Crisis," "House of M," "The Other," the
upcoming "Civil War" c'mon, you greedy bastards, take it easy on our wallets.
