Warped News 02.02.06: The “My Date With Oscar” Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 02.02.2006
Why is it so wet around Ricky Martin?
Once again, another Thursday rolls around, and here I am giving you the best and funniest stories from Hollywood. Plus, boobie. To me, it's a win-win. The big story this week is the Oscar nominations. There were some surprises and some slights. But I'll get into that real soon.
This Sunday is the Super Bowl, and there's plenty of commercials to watch…along with the game. I don't care who wins. I'm a Chiefs fan, but I'll be at a very kick-ass Super Bowl party cheering on the Steelers…or the Seahawks…whichever gets me more free shots.
Well, enough of drunken Super Bowl regurgitation and Brokeback dominance. It's time for the amazing, spectacular, glamorous spectacle that blinds the senses and boggles the mind. It's the super-dazzling piece of yellow journalism that many call…
All the News, New and Improved
And the nominees are…
Nominees for the 78th Annual Academy Awards were announced on Tuesday. Here are the nominees and my picks/slights/thoughts.
Best Picture Brokeback Mountain
Capote
Crash
Good Night, and Good Luck
Munich
Winner: This will be my dark horse pick. I'm going with Crash. Brokeback Mountain is getting just way too much publicity, and I feel it's because of the wrong reasons. I'm sure the film deserves its nomination and the Oscar, but I feel a backlash hitting soon. My personal pick would be Munich.
Best Actor in a Leading Role
Phillip Seymour Hoffman – Capote
Terrance Howard – Hustle and Flow
Heath Ledger – Brokeback Mountain
Joaquin Phoenix – Walk the Line
David Strathairn – Good Night, and Good Luck
Winner: Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Actually, I'm really surprised that Terrance Howard got nominated, but he did give a great performance in Hustle and Flow. He's an up and coming star and had a lot of untapped potential before this film. Despite Heath Ledger's performance, Hoffman's was the best. He really did transform himself into the infamous writer. But don't be surprised if Phoenix takes the statue either. All in all, this will be the most hotly debated award of the night.
Best Actress in a Leading Role
Judi Dench – Mrs. Henderson Presents
Felicity Huffman – Transamerica
Keira Knightley – Pride and Prejudice
Charlize Theron – North Country
Reese Witherspoon – Walk the Line
Winner: Reese Witherspoon. She gave such a commanding performance in Walk the Line that I doubt the Academy will ignore it. However, Felicity Huffman's role is a very "courageous" role that the Academy likes to reward. I think the statue will be between these two.
Best Actor in a Supporting Role
George Clooney – Syriana
Matt Dillon – Crash
Paul Giamatti – Cinderella Man
Jake Gyllenhaal – Brokeback Mountain
William Hurt – A History of Violence
Winner: George Clooney, but not because he had the best performance. This will be a "Thank You" Oscar for Clooney for everything he's done this year in film. They won't give him the Best Director award and Crash has the Best Screenplay award sown up. Matt Dillon or Paul Giamatti deserve this award more, but politics will give it to Clooney.
Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams – Junebug
Rachel Weisz – The Constant Gardener
Catherine Keener – Capote
Frances McDormand – North Country
Michelle Williams – Brokeback Mountain
Winner: Rachel Weisz. She's getting all the awards up till now, and she won the SAG Award in this category. The same people who vote for that award will vote for her for this one as well.
Best Achievement in Directing
George Clooney – Good Night, and Good Luck
Paul Haggis – Crash
Ang Lee – Brokeback Mountain
Bennet Miller – Capote
Steven Spielberg – Munich
Winner: This will be Ang Lee's to lose. Although Haggis, Clooney and Spielberg crafted really great films, everyone is in love with Ang Lee.
Best Original Screenplay
Crash - Paul Haggis, Robert Moresco
Good Night, and Good Luck - George Clooney, Grant Heslov
Match Point - Woody Allen
The Squid and the Whale - Noah Baumbach
Syriana - Stephen Gaghan
Winner: Crash. This is where they usually honor the film that should get Best Picture but won't. Crash had the most complex and controversial story and told it so well that it shouldn't be denied.
Best Adapted Screenplay
Brokeback Mountain - Larry McMurtry, Diana Ossana
Capote - Dan Futterman
The Constant Gardener - Jeffrey Caine
A History of Violence - Josh Olson
Munich - Tony Kushner, Eric Roth
Winner: A History of Violence. This film was too good to let slip away without one Oscar. However, don't be surprised if the Academy voters give this to Brokeback Mountain, just because it wouldn't have had won enough awards for the hype it's receiving. My personal choice would be Munich.
Best Animated Film The Corpse Bride
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
Hauru no ugoku shiro
Winner: Hands down, Wallace & Gromit.
Best Achievement in Special Effects King Kong
War of the Worlds
The Chronicle of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Winner: Huh? Last time I checked, Sin City was released in 2005. It had the most original special effects and look than any film in cinematic history. Yet, it can't even get nominated for Best Special Effects? Narnia will win it because of WETA, but it doesn't deserve it.
Best Achievement in Cinematography
Batman Begins - Wally Pfister
Brokeback Mountain - Rodrigo Prieto
Good Night, and Good Luck - Robert Elswit
Memoirs of a Geisha - Dion Beebe
The New World - Emmanuel Lubezki
Winner: Brokeback Mountain. Like I said before, it needs awards for the hype. The New World has scenes that the Academy likes to reward, and Good Night, and Good Luck was done in black and white…also something that the Academy likes to reward. My personal choice – Batman Begins.
Best Achievement in Editing
Cinderella Man - Daniel P. Hanley, Mike Hill
The Constant Gardener - Claire Simpson
Crash - Hughes Winborne
Munich - Michael Kahn
Walk the Line - Michael McCusker
Winner: Munich. The film was amazing and the editing kept the pacing in line with the drama of the story at that particular moment. Munich deserves at least one Oscar, and this is its best chance.
My observations: Of course Brokeback Mountain got a lot of nominations. It probably deserved most of them. I was surprised that anyone even remembered films like North Country or Hustle and Flow, but I'm glad they did. I wasn't the biggest fan of Sin City compared to everyone else here at 411, but I do recognize the genius and innovation in the film. I'm really surprised that it didn't garner at least a Best Cinematography and Best Special Effects nomination. I wish that Mickey Rourke got a nod for Best Supporting Actor, but I can understand why he didn't. His role was just a little too "over-the-top" bloody for the Academy's taste, and the field was already stacked.
This will be an interesting award show. The politics behind everything can really play havoc with those much more deserving.
From the Best of the Best to the Worst of the Worst
As always, a day before the Oscars nominations are announced, the Golden Raspberry Awards (aka The Razzies) announced their nominations for the worst of the worst in 2005. Let's take a look…with my predictions as usual.
Worst Film of the Year Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Dirty Love
The Dukes of Hazzard
House of Wax
Son of the Mask
Loser: Where do I begin? Right now, I'd have to give the nod to The Dukes of Hazzard, although I know that Son of the Mask was a complete embarrassment. House of Wax was horrible, but not to Razzies' standards. Just give it to Broken Lizard and hope they get the hint that they've Jumped the Shark/Couch.
Worst Actor
Tom Cruise - War of the Worlds
Will Ferrell - Bewitched and Kicking & Screaming
Jamie Kennedy - Son of the Mask
The Rock - Doom
Rob Schneider - Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Loser: Jamie Kennedy. Believe me, Rob Schneider should share the award here, but it's Kennedy's to lose.
Worst Actress
Jessica Alba - Fantastic Four and Into the Blue
Hilary Duff - Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and The Perfect Man
Jennifer Lopez - Monster in Law
Jenny McCarthy - Dirty Love
Tara Reid - Alone in the Dark
Loser: How dare they put Jessica Alba in there! Ok, her performances wasn't TMC good, but it was ok. However, the award will probably go to Jenny McCarthy. I'm hearing nothing but really horrible words about this film. Although, Tara Reid should give her some competition.
Worst Supporting Actor
Hayden Christensen - Star Wars III
Alan Cumming - Son of the Mask
Bob Hoskins - Son of the Mask
Eugene Levy - Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and The Man
Burt Reynolds - The Dukes of Hazzard and The Longest Yard
Loser: Hayden Christensen by far. His only competition will be Burt Reynolds.
Worst Supporting Actress
Carmen Electra - Dirty Love
Paris Hilton - House of Wax
Katie Holmes - Batman Begins
Ashlee Simpson - Undiscovered
Jessica Simpson - The Dukes of Hazzard
Loser: They might just give it to both Simpson sisters and be done with it. However, my money is on Paris Hilton.
Most Tiresome Tabloid Target
A new category saluting the celebs we're all sick and tired of…
Tom Cruise & His Anti-Psychiatry Rant
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Oprah Winfrey's Couch, The Eiffel Tower & "Tom's Baby"
Paris Hilton
Mr. & Mrs. Britney Spears
The Simpsons: Ashlee, Jessica & Nick
Loser: It's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. I think they just added this category as a way to tell Tom Cruise to shut the hell up!
Worst Screen Couple
Will Ferrell & Nicole Kidman - Bewitched
Jamie Kennedy & ANYBODY Stuck Sharing the Screen with Him - Son of the Mask
Jenny McCarthy & ANYONE Dumb Enough to Befriend or Date Her - Dirty Love
Rob Schneider & His Diapers - Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
Jessica Simpson & Her "Daisy Dukes" - The Dukes of Hazzard
Loser: Well, we know that Jessica and her "Daisy Dukes" aren't going to win for WORST couple. This one will probably go to Jamie Kennedy.
Worst Remake or Sequel
Bewitched
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
The Dukes of Hazzard
House of Wax
Son of the Mask
Loser: Uh, aren't these the exact same nominees for Worst Picture minus Dirty Love? Whoever wins the Worst Picture will probably win this one as well. Take a look Hollywood. The Worst Picture category is filled with remakes and sequels. GET A CLUE!
Worst Director of the Year
John Asher - Dirty Love
Uwe Boll - Alone in the Dark
Jay Chandrasekhar - The Dukes of Hazzard
Nora Ephron - Bewitched
Lawrence Gutterman - Son of the Mask
Loser: How I would love to give this to Uwe Boll with a "Get the F**K outta Dodge" letter. However, I feel the Razzie committee will reward Chandrasekhar for his utter decimation of everything that made The Dukes of Hazzard TV show good.
Worst Screenplay
Bewitched - Nora Ephron, Delia Ephron & Adam McKay
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo - Rob Schneider, David Garrett & Jason Ward
Dirty Love - Jenny McCarthy
The Dukes of Hazzard - John O'Brien
Son of the Mask - Lance Khazei
Loser: Good Lord! Did someone actually produce a film written by Jenny McCarthy? I think John O'Brien deserves the nod for the same reason Chandrasekhar deserves his. It's really hard to screw something up that much.
She's hiding in the Slums of Beverly Hills…
According to the World Entertainment News Network, a judge has issued an arrest warrant for American Pie star Natasha Lyonne after she failed to appear in court on Friday, January 27. The troubled 26-year-old actress is facing a number of charges, including criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing. Lyonne also allegedly threatened to sexually molest her former neighbor's dog during a 2004 altercation.
Friday's hearing in Manhattan Criminal Court was rescheduled after the actress missed several court dates earlier in the week. Last week's absence marks the fourth time Lyonne has missed a court date and the third time a bench warrant has been issued for her arrest.
Yeah, she's long gone. My bet is you'll never see her again…at least until her agent convinces the judge to go light on her and just give her probation, drug/alcohol counseling, and a restraining order for the dog. Then you'll see her ugly-assed no-talent face again.
Get ready for the new celebrity porn tape…
Pamela Anderson is set to perform a sexy pole dance for Kanye West at the British Music Awards. According to FemaleFirst.co.uk, the hip-hop icon has asked the former 'Baywatch' babe to join him on stage when he performs his hit 'Gold Digger' at the prestigious ceremony on February 15.
Anderson has just shot a video with Kanye in Las Vegas and the pair reportedly hit it off.
A source told Britain's Daily Star newspaper: "Pam and Kanye got really close on the shoot so he asked her to help out at the Brits. He wants to fly her over to play the gold digger in the song on stage while he performs. She may play a pole or erotic dancer. Kanye is really excited about the idea." Gee, I've never met a stripper who was a gold digger. Why would they want to portray the stripping industry as something like that?
Pam and Kanye were recently spotted canoodling in a Los Angeles hotel - sparking rumours the pair are romantically involved. The rapper was seen stroking the curvy blonde's bottom at the Chateau Marmont hotel in West Hollywood. A source said: "Kanye was standing in front of Pamela. He reached back and was copping her butt with his hand. She was leaning into him. They looked happy together."
Well, it's nice to know that Pamela, unlike George Bush, likes black people.
Obligatory image:
Pam ain't the only one pole dancing…
Britain's Daily Sport newspaper reports that Kirsten Dunst was left speechless after an old man asked her if he could lick whipped cream off her naked body. The actress was reportedly approached by the unknown man, believed to be in his 50s, as she waited for a limousine outside a Los Angeles hotel. According to onlookers, Dunst started to walk away after the man made his illicit request, and he was allegedly overheard saying, "Wait. What's the matter? I come to watch you dance every weekend."
When the 23-year-old star confronted him about what he had said the embarrassed guy apologized, explaining he had mistaken her for a local stripper. A source is quoted by Britain's Daily Sport newspaper as saying, "Kirsten asked him what he was talking about and he said he'd confused her with a stripper from a nearby club."
Meanwhile, Dunst has admitted she has a crush on actress Patricia Arquette. The screen beauty has revealed she admires blonde Patricia's sexy curves and self confidence. Dunst said, "I have a girly crush on her. She's a real woman - she's not anorexic or perfectly tanned. She's not trying to be anything but what she is, and that's the most sexy thing."
What? Is everyone trying out for Brokeback Mountain 2: Cowgirls Gone Bad?
Obligatory photo:
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. With this week having the Oscar nominations, everyone seemed to be on their best behavior. I haven't found one single piece of news that indicates someone being a tool. So, never failing to have a backup plan, present to you:
The Pottery Barn Celebrity Gift of the Week™
This little ditty will be a big "thank you" to a celebrity who gives the public exactly what they want…too much information. This week's recipient of the Gift of the Week is – RICKY MARTIN.
In last week's US Magazine, there was a feature dedicated to the quotes by celebrities that gave us "too much information".
"It makes sex better…Every woman should try a Brazilian wax once." – Eva Longoria
"I have crawled into [my dog's] bed…I can curl up and sleep for an extra 20 minutes. Is that weird?" – Jennifer Aniston
"We had an intoxicatingly sexual connection…I mean, Al is a beautiful man. He's got the legs of a stallion." – Star Jones *shiver*
However, Ricky Martin took the cake when he said, "I'm open to everything…I love giving the golden showers. It's like, so sexy."
Ummm. Ok. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. For that, I would like to offer Mr. Martin the:
JANE PAISLEY SHOWER CURTAIN
Shower Curtain $59.00
Our colorful paisley freshens the look of your bath with its vivid palette.
We've chosen the soft cotton of our Jane Paisley for its beautiful drape,
then finished it with French seams and a buttonhole top. 72" sq. Imported.
Use with our Clear Vinyl Liner and Roller Rings (sold separately).
Just watch the splash and clean up when you're done. *shiver*
Jumping off a ledge for no apparent reason…
Reuters reports that Steven Soderbergh's experimental film, Bubble, has sparked a gleeful response from the nation's theater owners, who were less than enthused about its simultaneous release in both theaters and on cable.
In an unusual comment on the fortunes of a specific film, National Association of Theater Owners president and CEO John Fithian issued a statement Sunday saying "the movie has performed very poorly" and that despite media attention surrounding the film's experimental release strategy that "generated tens of millions of dollars in free publicity ... it failed in theaters."
The movie, released through billionaire Mark Cuban's 2929 Entertainment, earned just $70,664 from 32 theaters during its first weekend. A murder mystery set in a small-town toy factory, the 73-minute movie was cast with non-actors, though Entertainment Weekly's Owen Glieberman in a positive review noted their performances were "powerful enough to shame many of the performances in Hollywood movies." Overall, reviews were generally underwhelming.
2929's HDNet Movies cable channel paid $250,000 to license two airings of the film Friday, and 100,000 copies of the DVD, which goes on sale Tuesday, have been shipped to retailers. With Hollywood suffering a box office slump, some studio executives have proposed reducing the window between a film's release in cinemas and on video. Theater owners want no part of such a strategy since it would likely encourage even more people to watch movies at home than at the multiplex.
"It's important to note that this movie was designed for a niche audience," Todd Wagner, Mark Cuban's 2929 partner, said. "Going in, we knew we had a very atypical film for the marketplace, and the day-and-date strategy provided an economic framework that let us take a chance on a unique, challenging and exceptional film and make it profitable."
Fithian argued, "We're always looking for ways to improve the moviegoing experience, but the parts of the system that aren't broken -- such as staggered release -- don't need to be fixed."
I'm a big fan of Mark Cuban. I think he is what many sports franchise owners should be. However, he's dead wrong with his assumption that simultaneous releases are the answer to Hollywood's financial problems and his marketing of this particular film in general. With simultaneous release of a film, you're encouraging many people to rent a film instead of watch it in a theater. It's more than just the "theater experience" that's missing. It's economics. Couples and singles will more likely pay for the "theater experience." A family of four would spend roughly $22 to get into a family film, and spend as much as $15 on popcorn and drinks. Why do that when they can rent the same movie for $4 and spend another $4 on microwave popcorn and soda? $37 (minimum) vs. $8?
Plus, with advances in theater surround-sound systems quality at a much cheaper price than even last year, it's easier for people to get theater-type quality picture and sound at home. Cuban's plan of simultaneous release would cut out a lot of the theater box office, which is your main source for profits and publicity. All of this for slightly higher DVD rental rates? Believe me…people are not going to buy a DVD that they haven't seen yet. It's too much of an investment on something that could easily suck. So, you're gaining very little with the potential to lose a lot. How is that good business?
Separated By Birth – The Hollywood Edition
It's wonderful what you can find on the internet these days. I came across some of these photos courtesy of Cityrag.com.
#1: Ashlee Simpson and David Lee Roth
Actually, this is not a surprise. We all know both are no-talent divas, but jeez! Try to hide it a little.
#2: Jake Gyllenhaal and K.D. Lang
What not just let Lang star in Brokeback Mountain, call her Gyllenhaal, and let Heath Ledger kiss a girl.
#3: Owen Wilson and Ellen Degeneres
Not bad. Not bad.
#4: Danny Banaduce and Carrot Top
Ok, this one is just plain scary. Talk about a couple of Roid Boys…
#5: Madonna and Ace Frehley
Madonna could always use a little more makeup. If you know what I mean…
#6: Dolly Parton, Cher, Joan Rivers and Wayland Flower's puppet, Madame
Ok, so who's the puppet?
And I'll add my own…
#7: James Brown and Nick Nolte
Aw, ain't they cute! They could be twin cell mates!
On the next episode of "Being Brandon Tartikoff"…
Here's where I profile really dumb decisions made by TV executives, primarily at the Fox Network, which prove to the world that any jackass that has two eyes and can slam his/her head into a wall repeatedly can be a TV network executive. I'm frankly shocked that no one has done a reality TV show on this. Then again, the executives who pick these types of shows would never air how pathetically easy their jobs are.
According to Cinescape Online, ABC has picked up a TV pilot based on the Brangelia film, Mr. & Mrs. Smith, for midseason 2006-07 or fall 2007 consideration. The series is based on the Doug Liman directed film and will center on the married assassins for hire.
Regency TV and Fox TV Studios will produce the pilot, which was written by Simon Kinberg. Simon Kinberg, Doug Liman and Dave Bartis will executive produce, and Liman is also expected to direct.
Why did anyone go see the film? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? It was because it had Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt in it. I liked the film, but I think our resident movie guru Jacob Ziegler was right in naming it "Hot People With Guns." Will anyone care about Mr. and Mrs. Smith without Angelina and Brad? Probably not. They'll have to come up with something really, and I mean REALLY, good before anyone will give it the time of day.
Hey, can I run a network now? I have a great idea. We'll do a television series based off the hilarious film, The Munsters Go to Europe. We'll have the Munster family consist of various legendary monsters like Frankenstein, Dracula, Bride of Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and throw in a normal teenaged girl just for kicks. We'll call it…"The Munsters." It's network gold. I tells ya.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Top 99 Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
AskMen.com released their annual Top 99 Most Desirable Women list this week. As always, I will give you a sample of the women featured on the list with my own comments on why they should be higher/lower/where they are.
#77: Heather Graham
Sure, her new sit-com was cancelled after one episode, but how can you not deny her hotness. Completely underrated.
#60: Leeann Tweeden
Have people not seen her in a bikini? How is she only at #60?
#30: Trish Stratus
Really? Do I need to say more?
#5: Maria Menounous
How is a host of a TV gossip show make it to #5? She's cute, but not #5 cute.
Want to see our opinions on February's crop of films, then check out the 411 February Movies Roundtable. Thanks for giving me the drunk guy picture Mr. Rutherford.
Nathaniel Hensley gives us his views on the Oscars and Razzies, and waxes poetically on comic books in his latest Idiot Box. From someone who has enough money to keep up with DC's "Infinite Crisis" and all of its cross-overs and specials, let me just say that it's worth it. I've never seen DC or Marvel try to tell such an epic story like this before. You can tell they've put years of thought into it. Sure, I just dumped $50 on comic books this last weekend (3 weeks worth of titles), but it's worth it. Show me a novel with the same care and consideration for its mythos. I dare you!
Steve Vicious had worms. Luckily, he's cleared that up enough to give you the latest TV news and Kristin Kreuk in the latest Vicious TV News Wrap.
Arnold Furious takes a look at 5 different films, including a Kurosawa, Robert DeNiro, and a Hitchcock film in his latest Furious On Film.
Our resident movie expert, Leonard Hayhurst, answers more of your questions including why George Kennedy is kicking ninja ass for a Schaefer's in the latest Ask 411 Movies.
Mark Radulich takes a look at Mardi Gras post-Katrina. What? No co-eds lifting up their shirts for beads? Shame on you!
And finally, A CALL TO ARMS! Click here and find out how you can keep the free flow of information on the internet free.
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
Something New: Who? What? Where did this film come from?
When a Stranger Calls: A remake of a horror film. Yay?
