The Super Duper Happy News Report: 02.03.06
Posted by Ryan Latimer on 02.03.2006
Honesty is the best policy. Dishonesty is the second best policy.
The Super Duper Happy News Report: 02.03.06
By: Ryan Latimer
I can be honest with you guys. You're like family, except I've never seen any of your faces, don't know your names, have no idea where you live, wouldn't bleed for you and wouldn't think twice about turning you in to the authorities to collect a bounty. Insert "that's a lot like my own family" joke here. I don't go for cheap humor.
For the past few weeks, ever since acquiring my new job, moving and getting this book deal rolling, doing this report has been more of a chore than a pleasure. I say this not to offend any of my readers or hint that I'm thinking of quitting (I'm not), I just want you all to know I'm a lazy sack of bad tasting Michigan potatoes. At least right now. Forgive me. I'll get back to liking you when I find some sort of structure.
Or perhaps I'm being too hard on myself. It's not like I'm getting paid for doing this unlike many of the other tasks taking up a good portion of my week. It was bound to wear me sooner or later. But I can't quit. I just can't. As much as a chore this is becoming at the moment, I would miss it too much. And this isn't just for publicity purposes or to hang onto my "fame," although I admit this gig would be might shiny to my book marketing once it's published (are you're fingers still crossed?). I don't have fans anyway. I have minions. Paint my house.
In all seriousness, what I'm trying to say is this: If any of my columns seem half-donkeyed for the next few weeks or months, be patient. I'm doing the best I can. For all I know my reports are fine and dandy and I'm giving myself a pounding for no reason. Wouldn't be the first time. Or perhaps my columns do suck right now and I'm now finally acknowledging the level of suckitude. Don't have a clue. At least I'm covered either way.
That said, let's movie. If it sucks, tell me. If it doesn't, you won't email anyway, so I'll just assume everything is going fine. That will be great for my denial mojo.
Oh, and sign the "Firefly" petition. I'm already going through withdrawals.
Headlines
"Winter Extended to July, Cause Unknown"
Walt Disney Pictures and Walden Media are moving ahead with a sequel to the wildly successful "The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe." Andrew Adamson is set to return to the director's chair, having just inked a deal to helm "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian." Adamson also will serve as a producer and co-writer, collaborating with returning scribes Christopher Markus and Steve McFeeley. The principal cast is coming back, as is producer Mark Johnson. A screenplay is not yet written, but production is scheduled to begin this year with an eye toward a Christmas 2007 release. "Caspian" finds the four Pevensie siblings pulled back into the land of Narnia, where 1,000 years have passed since they left. The children are again enlisted to join the colorful creatures of Narnia, who have been driven into the wild, unfriendly parts of the land. The Pevensies must struggle to overthrow a usurping king named Miraz and restore the rightful heir to the throne, the young Prince Caspian. HOLLYWOOD REPORTER
Tell you what. Slide The White Witch into the script and you've got a deal. She was the best part of the first one. I don't care if she had her face ripped off my Aslan at the end. Cheat. Write in a twin sister. Witches can go that sort of junk.
I fully admit that as much as I anticipated "Narnia" last year, I was never an expert on The Chronicles outside of general pop culture and the 80s cartoon movie that played on HBO when I was a kid. It was the trailer that pulled me in. For all I know The White Witch somehow summons her awesomeness and rises from the grave with half a kisser. I'll take that. I'll take what I can get. Without Tilda Swinton in that role, the movie wouldn't have been what it was. Admit it, all of you.
Eh, I'll see it anyway, assuming they make it as good as the first. How they will do that without Swinton as the lead baddie is going to be tough. To all those more on the up and up with The Chronicles, fill me in on the rest of the story. Does it have a chance? I'm asking.
"Shocker: Scientist Discover Hollywood May Lean Left"
Hollywood has always worn its liberal politics on its sleeve, from 1976's "All the President's Men" and 1979's "Norma Rae" to 2002's "Bowling for Columbine." With the 2006 crop of Oscar contenders, though, politics have never been more front and center. "What all these films have in common is they're about the human condition," said "Crash" co-writer Bobby Moresco. "The pendulum has swung back to movies about politics. People want films that have something to say; they're tired of fluff." The films got made because several powerful filmmakers and stars were able to push their passionate points of view onto the big screen, regardless of the commerciality of their cinematic purpose. With "Munich," Steven Spielberg finally realized his commitment to tell the story of Israel's ruthless response to the Palestinian terrorist murders of Israeli athletes at the 1972 Munich Olympics. Spielberg's agenda -- oft-stated -- was to open a dialogue so that both sides can find common ground. HOLLYWOOD REPORTER
What, no "Fahrenheit 9/11" mention? Nah, it's not like it made much of a noise around 2004. More of a blip on the radar.
See, now this is the type of artistic political expression I can take when it comes to the Oscars, movies with actual thoughtful messages, meanings and intentions –whether you and I agree with them or not - and not some jagoff piece of celluloid skid mark like a Michael Moore project getting spotlighted. Love them or hate them, I'll take 15 Crashes, Munichs and Brokeback Mountains over one far-left liberal trash heap. Funny how after all that jazz the movie got shafted anyway. That's still funny. Heck, I might even watch the show this year provided Chris Rock stays at home and Sean Penn duct tapes his mouth shut. Wouldn't want to piss off Spacolli. I've already withheld my Jude Law jokes.
Well, that is if I don't have something better going that night. Like, oh I dunno, washing my hair. Split ends, you understand.
"Filmmakers Don't Like Bush, Film At Eleven"
Steven Spielberg believes politically charged movies have become increasingly popular during George W. Bush's presidency, because film-makers are keen to distance themselves from his policies. The director is currently courting controversy with his Oscar-nominated film Munich - which focuses on the aftermath of terrorist action at the 1972 Olympic Games - and feels the Republican administration is not representing his interests. He says, "Maybe I shouldn't get into this. I just feel that filmmakers are much more proactive since the second Bush administration. I think that everybody is trying to declare their independence and state their case for the things that we believe in. No one is really representing us, so we're now representing our own feelings, and we're trying to strike back." IMDB
You're right, Steven. No one does represent you or your political point of view. Except all of news television. And the movies. And newspapers. And Hollywood. And actors. And bands. Am I missing anything? I apologize in advance. And it's not like you need someone to "represent you" anyway - your people practically own the left coast. I'd say that's quite a bit of pull when it comes to influencing the masses. Could be wrong.
Do me a favor. Make you're movies. Go hog wild. Some I may agree with. Some I may not. But don't sit there and insult my intelligence by telling me you are not being "represented" or heard. "Your side" has been heard longer than Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage stunk up the airwaves. But if you feel you still are not getting the airtime you deserve, I'm sure Air America would love to have you on. Might want to bring your checkbook.
Love me, hate me – either way I get hits.
"Reverend Grows Gargantuan Grapefruits During Live Sermon"
Christian ministers who initially enthusiastically supported the Christian-themed End of the Spear, produced by Every Tribe Entertainment, became deeply divided after they learned that one of the stars of the film, Chad Allen, is openly gay, the New York Times reported today (Thursday). Opposition to the film was led by the Rev. Jason Janz, who encouraged a boycott by fundamentalist Christians, saying that having a gay man play the role of a Christian missionary was "like Madonna playing the Virgin Mary." Every Tribe has pointed out that some of the criticism verged on threats. For example, it noted, Kevin T. Bauder, president of Central Baptist Seminary in Minneapolis, said on his website, "Granted, we must not overreact. And it would probably be an overreaction to firebomb these men's houses. But what they have done is no mistake. It is a calculated strategy." In a column for the Knight Ridder Newspapers, religion writer Jim Jones noted that the movie was "one of the most ambitious Christian films since The Passion of the Christ" and that half of the profits go to missionary work. He quoted director Jim Hanon as saying, "We know that the character in our film and the actor are not the same. ... We do not agree with Chad Allen over homosexuality. End of the Spear is not about Chad Allen, but rather it's about remarkable people who lived their faith against all odds and dared to reach out, at the cost of their lives." IMDB
Oh, SNAP. "Like Madonna playing the Virgin Mary?" C'mon, that's GOLD. Laugh. I know you want to. Who knew we Christians had such giant balls? Now I know where I got my wit gene.
This reminds me of the controversy surrounding Skid Row frontman Sebastian Bach playing Jesus on Broadway for "Jesus Christ Superstar" a few years back. From the television clips I've seen, he was good. Gotta give him that. At least there you could forget the fact that Christ was played by a drunken, druggie punk rocker as the band was a punchline at least a decade prior to the casting.
Here? This is a bit more difficult. Do I boycott a film based on the fact that a Christian missionary is played by a gay man? The problem is that either way I would feel uncomfortable – one hand I'm watching the film distracted by the idea of the controversy surrounding it, the other I avoid the film altogether and feel guilty. The result? Either way people are going to feel weird. You can't sell tickets that way. "The Passion of the Christ" this is not. Now if the studio did the casting in order to get people talking and sell tickets then I refuse to be jerked around and insulted. Hasn't anyone ever heard of just quality filmmaking over stupid tricks?
Have to wait and see what happens. But I already don't like it.
"Ben Affleck Pens New Screenplay, Runs From Studio"
Hollywood star Tom Cruise has purchased the rights to a romantic love story as his next potential film project. The actor and his production company partners have fallen for Serendipity writer Marc Klein's untitled contemporary love story. Don Granger, an executive at Cruise's production company Cruise/Wagner, says, "We believe Marc Klein has come up with an original and very moving love story." Cruise has recently completed filming Mission: Impossible 3. IMDB
Romantic love story? That can only mean one thing: Co-star Katie Holmes. "Gigli" will have nothing on this project. The curse of co-starring lovers is too great even for the power of Tomology. I'm sure Brooke Shields is pushing for it. I wonder who will play the retarded brother.
All I ask is that Christopher Walken stays away from this one. Pacino can go.
Never underestimate the power of the handicapped. In this case, the handicapped, movie-going, paying public. My film friend watches practically everything (EVERYTHING) outside of horror. He hasn't even seen the first "Big Momma's House." Trust me, that's saying more than something. In a time when even "Serenity" and "King Kong" struggle to break even, "BMH2" should be booed out of the theatre by the three people who paid to see it and the two that didn't. Where's fate when you need it? Karma? Disgruntled projectionists?
Another surprise is "Nanny McPhee," a sleeper hit in the making if I've ever seen one. It just looked so…weird. Maybe that's the appeal. That, and laughing at British people with bad teeth. But second place over "Underworld?" Didn't see it. "Annapolis" I've heard is fairly awful, a few points less than I predicted. Picture a sequel or indirect continuation to "Stealth" with James Franco and Johanna Brewster replacing Josh Lucas and Jessica Biel. Yikes and yikes. "Hoodwinked" made fifth. Ayup.
Smash it or Trash It
Opening today:
- When a Stranger Calls
- Something New
How many times do I have to admit to you guys that I'm a sorry, addictive sucker to bad thrillers? Even I have my limits ("The Fog," for example, which I still have yet to bring myself to rent), but "When a Stranger Calls" is too good (bad) to pass up. C'mon, it's a friggin' remake to a 1979 CAROL KANE horror flick to which we already know what will happen! How can I NOT support that? Man, even *I* don't know when I'm being sarcastic anymore. Maybe I'll just go see "Hostel" instead. No, I haven't seen it yet. Torture me.
I was wrong on the Box Office last week, I'll probably be wrong this week. But bless my heart I'm trying. That at least gets me a gold star sticker. "Big Momma" wins again with "Stranger" on #2. As always, don't ever listen to me.
Say What?
This little portion of the column is a movie quote/trivia contest for the readers. The first three people to email me with the correct answer get to be important with me by having their names and locations posted. Be a winner. Be important.
Last week's trivia winners (Answer: "Commando")
--STUMPED—
You disappoint me, grasshoppers, one week after surprising me. I like your mind games. Very…me.
You know, I'm starting to wonder if people are not submitting after a certain amount of time (1 f'n day after posting) just because they feel they didn't "make it in time." To those who do so, I believe you are underestimating the power of the incorrect answer. I get a lot of them. Case in point, this week.
It was "Commando" in 1985 where the studio simply used the word Schwarzenegger in big, block lettering above the title as the sole element for selling the film, the first of Arnold for many. Many guessed "Conan the Destroyer," a good guess but one year off. While some posters and newer versions of box art may have listed Arnold's name, it was this series of movies that established him as a marketable name. "Commando" was his next project, and "Schwarzenegger" was all they needed to rake in the bucks. I know, I'm a tricky bastard. But you love playing.
You know I love trivia, but I'm going through quote withdrawl. I'm sure the feeling is mutual. Let's do ‘em both.
Name That Film (same film):
- "Why am I paying a demolition crew to sit around eating in a restaurant they're supposed to be knocking down?"
- "This is the '80s! Nobody likes reality any more."
Trivia Question: This hugely successful 90s sitcom star and sex symbol has surprisingly enough not yet had a nude scene in her 20 plus years of acting. When asked why this was the case, she said she was never asked to do one.
Outie
Now if you'll excuse me, I have the final few episodes of "Firefly" to watch. And maybe "Serenity" again. Sounds gorram shiny to me. If you're cool, you'll know what I'm talking about.
