Warped News 02.09.06: The “Super Bowl-lite” Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 02.09.2006
Punting dinos and pimping boobies. Say that 5 times fast…
How was your Super Bowl Sunday? I spent mine watching my beloved KU Jayhawks come back from 16 points down with 9 minutes left in the game to defeat #18 ranked Oklahoma. Had me in a good mood for the rest of the game. Then I went to a massive Super Bowl party at a local bar where I play poker. All you can eat hot wings, BBQ ribs and much more. Plus, beer by the pitcher. Yeah, I was making a fool of myself by the end of the game. I did win $15, so I came out only slightly behind monetary-wise.
There wasn't a lot of juicy news for me to report on this week. It was mostly about Paris Hilton losing her stuff in a storage facility, and since I'm tired of her, I'm not going to bore you with it. Instead, I'm giving you 3 (that's right THREE) Babe Photo News Briefs™ this week. Soak in the fun.
Now it's time to say hello to a bunch of boobies, barbs and busts that I'd like to call…
All the News, New and Improved
Super Bowl XL: A Retrospective
As I was boozing it up with AYCE hot wings, BBQ ribs, little smokys, nachos and hot links; I was also watching a decent little game filled with commercial breaks and those pesky things called TV advertisements. Of course, during the Super Bowl is when companies shell out $2.4 million to air a 30-second spot in front of a world audience. These commercials get the most scrutiny, and so must I chime in on this year's crop.
The theme for these commercials was "beat the sh*t outta someone." Because this year, many of these commercials set out to do just that.
My favorite: The caveman FedEx commercial. It was funny on its own. But when you get a caveman punt-kicking a small dinosaur, that's high comedy. If you top it off with a reincarnation of Bambi vs. Godzilla, then you just went over the top. I about spewed beer out of my nose.
My second favorite: We're all tired of the MasterCard "priceless" commercials, aren't we? However, I have to hand it to MasterCard for coming up with the epitome of what this premise brings…its tribute to MacGyver. The spot came from out of the blue and had everyone at the Super Bowl party laughing. It's nice to see Mac getting more work.
Other favorites: Budweiser was the big winner this year with a huge crop of great commercials. The "Magic Fridge" spot was close to the top of everyone's list, as well as the streaking sheep. And the stadium card art of a beer pouring was absolutely cool. I also loved the Ameritech "Don't Judge Too Quickly" spots. All were very funny and somewhat original.
The So-So: These were spots that were ok, but not that exciting. Any spot with graphic physical comedy falls into this region. The Michelob Ultra Dark with the "cream the girl with the football" premise got a few laughs, but it was like half of the other commercials involving the same theme. I liked the cell phone security system at first, but the more I saw it, the less funny it was. The beer commercial where guys fall through the roof just was annoying…but a little funny.
The God-Awfuls: What the hell was Burger King thinking? Hey, playing off the fact that your mascot is creepy was a nice touch, but the Busby Berkeley tribute to burgers was as retarded as it sounds. By the way, Brooke Burke really needs a gig. The Oil of Oly "Self-Asteem Fund" commercial was a nice piece of sentimental crap because it came from a company that perpetuated every stereotype it condemned in the commercial to hock beauty creams. Plus, the Leonard Nemoy commercial left me a little confused. At first, I didn't even know what the hell they were hawking. Plus, why pick on the Trek geeks anymore? Haven't we had our fill of that already?
If you're wondering what in green hell I'm talking about right now, click here to see all the commercials that aired during the Super Bowl, and some that were banned!
And where WAS O.J. during all of this…
According to the Palm Beach Post, the bloodied body of Alan J. Shalleck, a collaborator on the children's book series "Curious George" was found Tuesday morning covered in black garbage bags in the driveway of his Boynon Beach home.
Shalleck's body lay in the driveway for at least a day while neighbors passed by, assuming it was merely a heap of trash. Investigators, who received an anonymous 911 call around 8:40 a.m., said they are treating the case as a "possible homicide." Ya think?
Shalleck co-edited more than 28 "Curious George" books and helped write and direct 104 film shorts. The mischievous monkey, created in 1939 by Hans and Margret Rey, makes his big screen debut Friday in movie theaters nationwide
.
A Syracuse University drama major, Shalleck got his start in 1950 in the CBS mailroom, working his way up to associate producer for "Winky Dink and You", a morning show during which kids drew on a plastic film placed on the TV screen. He later produced children's films and formed his own company. Shalleck approached Margret Rey about bringing Curious George to film in 1977. "I got $500 per ‘Curious George' story, no royalties, no residuals," Shalleck told The Palm Beach Post in 1997.
My sympathies and best wishes go out to the friends and family of Shalleck. I'm wondering if the producers will pull the film out of theaters this weekend out of respect or will they release a few tribute press releases to help promote the film? They are a heartless bunch aren't they?
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - Another Glorious Divorce Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Heather Locklear is now 0 for 2 in rock 'n' roll marriages. According to the Contra Costa Times, Locklear, who told reporters in December that she and Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora were "happily married," filed papers this week to dissolve the 11-year-old marriage.
"This is a private matter, and there will be no further comment at this time," Locklear's publicist, CeCe York said in a statement Thursday. Most talk right now is to December, when rumors surfaced that the marriage was in trouble because Locklear had evolved into a major league biatch who, according to a New York Daily News report at the time, required "24-hour-a-day ass-kissing," rejected her husband's wishes for a second child and irritated his Bon Jovi bandmates. "If Richie divorced her," an unnamed source told the newspaper, "nobody would be heartbroken."
The Daily News story is what prompted Locklear and Sambora to issue the "happily married" denial. Well, to the girl in Rock ‘N Roll denial, a photo tribute:
Grandpa got staked…
According to the Associated Press, Al Lewis, the cigar-chomping vampire patriarch of "The Munsters" died after several years of failing health. He was 95.
Lewis, with his wife at his bedside, passed away Friday night, said Bernard White, program director at WBAI-FM, where the actor hosted a weekly radio program for years. White made the announcement on the air during the Saturday slot where Lewis usually appeared.
Despite his work as a basketball scout, restaurateur and political candidate, his resume never eclipsed his role as Grandpa from the television sitcom. Plus, the man was as horny as I was. It seemed like every time I saw him, he was at a porn party or had a porn star at his side. I'm surprised he didn't die of a heart attack sooner. Anyway, my deepest respect and heart-felt sorry go out to the many friends and family members to Al Lewis.
This week's budget cuts brought to you by the letter G, O and P…
According to an editorial posted at Bloomberg.com, President George Bush proposed a 13% cut in funding for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting (CPB), seeking to reduce spending that has already won congressional approval and prompting a protest from the agency.
A fiscal 2007 spending plan that Bush sent to Congress today cuts $53.5 million from $400 million in grants to public TV and radio stations from CPB, the agency that funds public broadcasting. The budget, released publicly today, also cuts $50 million from $400 million approved for 2008.
"The Bush White House is taking an axe to help chop off Big Bird's head and turn Elmo out into the streets," said Jeff Chester, executive director of the Center for Digital Democracy, a public-interest group. "The administration wants to starve the Public Broadcasting Service and National Public Radio, curtailing their ability to critically report the news." Don't you just love it when politicos start with the hyperbole for a sound bite?
The 2007 budget also would end $29.7 million in funding for TV stations to convert to digital signals, which offer clearer images and sound, CPB spokesman Michael Levy said. In addition, it would eliminate $34.6 million provided last year to improve satellite technology used to connect PBS with local stations. Both programs were already approved by Congress. When all the cuts are considered, Bush's budget would reduce total CPB funding by 25 percent to $346.5 million in 2007 from $460.3 million in 2006, the budget documents show.
The nonprofit agency passes along most of its funding to public TV and radio stations. The money helps to finance PBS, NPR and the production of shows such as "Sesame Street" and "Nova." Last year, a Republican plan to cut the agency's budget by 25 percent was reversed in the House of Representatives after lobbying by broadcasters and a Washington rally of viewers and listeners. Former Chairman Kenneth Tomlinson resigned from the corporation's board last November after an internal audit found he had added conservative programming and recruited senior staff based on their Republican ties.
Many people would say that this smacks of Bush and the GOP from curtailing what many believe as a liberal-intensive broadcast medium. And both assumptions would be right. However, public broadcasting has been more than just Bill Moyers and "Frontline." Shows like Sesame Street, The Electric Company, Nova, Matinee at the Bijiou and others have sparked creativity and education in generations of children and adults.
To cut funding from that to keep some liberals quiet is not a good investment for the people. It is for Bush, but not for the rest of us. That's what is most disturbing about this. It doesn't matter what your political views are. To sacrifice some of the best educational shows ever to air on TV for personal or political gain stinks…to high heaven…and should NOT be tolerated.
I shall get off my soapbox not. Thank you.
Now we know why Madonna was in the film…
New Zealand director Lee Tamahori has been arrested for prostitution. The 55-year-old was picked up during a police prostitution sting on Hollywood's Santa Monica Boulevard on January 8th.
Tamahori was arraigned in a Los Angeles court last week and officially charged with soliciting. Los Angeles Police Department spokesman Officer Jason Lee (not THAT Jason Lee) says the director was dressed as a woman, and approached an undercover policeman. He says he bailed himself two hours after his arrest and booking.
Lee Tamahori directed the New Zealand box office hit Once Were Warriors, and more recently the James Bond movie Die Another Day starring Pierce Brosnan and Halle Berry.
Get ready for the sequel to Mrs. Doubtfire called Santa Monica Ho'in.
It's just not the best week for directors…
German director Werner Herzog was shot by a crazed fan during a recent interview with the BBC. The 63-year-old was chatting with movie journalist Mark Kermode about his documentary Grizzly Man, when a sniper opened fire with an air rifle. I hope police questioned Dan Haggarty. Last time I saw him, he was getting his spirit stick polished at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch (thanks to the HBO series, "Cathouse").
Kermode explains, "I thought a firecracker had gone off. Herzog, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, said, 'Oh, someone is shooting at us. We must go.' He had a bruise the size of a snooker ball, with a hole in. He just carried on with the interview while bleeding quietly in his boxer shorts." How's that for tough? You think film directors are just pansies with big egos and fancy chairs. NO! They bleed for their craft! They'll take your bullet and say "F**K YOU! I'M WORKING FOR MY ART!"
Yeah, that was a little overboard…wasn't it?
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Wish I Was a Photographer Edition
The second of three, yes three, Babe Photo News Briefs. WENN reports that Rachel McAdams lost her nerve when she turned up to pose naked for a new Vanity Fair photo spread - and it cost her a spot on the cover.
The star was invited to pose with Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson by the issue's artistic director, designer Tom Ford, but pulled out at the last minute. Ford explains, "She felt that she'd be fine with it and then she got there and she realized that she really wasn't, and that was fine... She just asked if she could be excluded from the cover." Ford himself replaced McAdams for the Annie Leibovitz cover shoot - and posed with naked Knightley and Johansson, who were also nervous about baring all to the world.
He adds, "I said to them, 'When you're 70 you're gonna look back and say, 'Thank God for this picture - look how amazing I was.'" Who the hell is Tom Ford and how did he get to be so damn lucky?
The photo in question:
Yes, I cut off an exposed Scarlett butt-crack. What do you think I do here? Post porn pictures? *DON'T ANSWER THAT*
And now, a quick hit of Ms. McAdams:
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Clever as a Foxx Edition
The third and final chapter of the BPNB…you're welcome…and clean up after yourselves.
Jamie Foxx is desperate for a date to the Oscars – preferably one with a nice butt. According to the British tabloid The Sun, the Academy Award winning actor admits he hasn't found a special woman to take to the awards ceremonies next month – and wants one with an ample behind.
When quizzed about his ideal woman by MSNBC, the actor said: "Don't be ashamed if you're a little thick. I like the thickness too. I like legs, and how do I say this… um, dumps."
Earlier this year he confessed he's aroused by curvaceous women because they remind him of a childhood crush. "A woman's posterior is the key to my heart. I know it sounds weird, but I come from Texas and when I used to play hide and seek, the girl that I would find, she was a little more round. And I got a pulse from finding that girl. I like big-boned women. I love curves. I like to feel them. That's what drives me, that Southern build."
Well, since I helped out Nick Lachey, I feel it's my obligation to suggest some "healthy" buttocked women for Mr. Foxx to take to the Oscars.
I've always been a fan of Vivica A. Fox:
Vida Guerra is too easy. Let's use supermodel Heidi Klum here…
Is Lil' Kim out of jail yet?
And finally, how can we forget Shelton Benjamin's Momma?
From Pimpstick To Pulpit
Want to win the DVD Two For the Money? Then enter 411Mania's newest contest. You only have to answer 5 Al Pacino questions. It's not that hard…right?
Steve Vicious gives me a very nice gift…Erica Durance stripping…in his latest Vicious TV News Wrap. By the way, I am a Spider-Man.
Nathaniel Hensley talks "Lost", comic books and what sucks in his latest Idiot Box.
Arnold Furious takes a look at a lost Terry Gilliam, lost dog owners, and another Hitchcock classic (no, he's not lost) in his latest Furious On Film.
Don't forget to put your two cents in at the 411 Fourm.
And finally, just for you, a hetrosexual guide to watching Brokeback Mountain.
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
Curious George: This is a little, shall I say it, curious?
The Pink Panther: A remake that never should have been made.
Firewall: Harrison Ford pumping out a paycheck until Indy 4.
Final Destination 3: Hoping this will be the final destination for this horror franchise. Let ‘em all die.
