The Super Duper Happy News Report 02.10.06
Posted by Ryan Latimer on 02.10.2006
Don't touch me.
Sorry, I ache. Everywhere. My head, my arms, my fingers, my back, my….what's that thing called? My brain. Can't forget that one.
As I mentioned in last week's report, I'm a BIT overworked at the moment. Book deal, new job, new schedule, new home, new practically everything. It wears on you fairly quickly, and as a result an online movie-related column isn't on the top of the to-do list. But because I love all of you, I do it. Very well, if I may say, and I don't complain about it. Except of course in the opening monologue whenever I get line space. But besides that…
In lieu of a weekly theatre run because of time restraints, I've been renting a lot more than usual, something made easier now that I live with my film friend with the mammoth projector TV. My latest viewing experience was "Doom," one I happen to miss in theatres in October, and boy howdy I haven't had more fun watching a movie in I don't know how long. It was loud, dark, dumb, ridiculous and totally unnecessary, and I loved every bit of it. It helped that it really captured the essence of the game I used to cherish so back when I was in jr high, but it was mostly The Rock and his dick character Sarge. Those that still think all video game movies are Uwe Boll urine-fests, watch "Doom." I joke not. There is such a thing as a "bad" movie that is still "good." Now if they could just get the rights to Wolfenstein 3D.
Last night was "Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit," another missed October release. I've always had far more respect for comedies that don't have to rely on profanity or nudity for chuckles, primarily because it is so much more difficult to do. Take "Were-Rabbit," a G-rated family flick from our friendly British allies. Touching, warm, wholesome, and best of all, amusing. Comedy is hard enough. When you can make an audience smile, you've gone above and beyond the call of duty. If the TV show has been put on DVD, I'm there. I've been missing quite the program.
But anway, let's get started so I can go back to my "life." I think I can still call it that. "Existence" may apply soon.
Headlines
"News Industry Implodes From Groundbreaking Announcement"
Best friends Matt Damon and Ben Affleck will star onscreen together for the first time in seven years when they appear in a new real-life legal drama. The pair will play lawyers battling to overturn a murder conviction in the untitled movie. The Good Will Hunting Oscar-winners have taken a number of cameo roles in the same films, but last appeared together in leading roles in 1999's Dogma. Affleck will feature as Michael Banks and Damon as J. Gordon Cooney - two lawyers who secured nine stays of execution for convicted John Tompson, but finally got him cleared of all charges after a 15-year battle. IMDB
Well, I can sleep tonight. Great timing, too. I've been tossing and turning lately.
And to think I thought the Chronicles of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon ended years ago. That is, I believed no one outside of Miramax executives still thought they were two different people. They are. Scientists have proven it. I have the press release somewhere. But don't tell the IMDB that. It's still font web page news that these two are a film item again. They play lawyers, two serious roles in a serious drama. But who cares? It's Ben Affleck and Matt Damon! Do you need anymore reason to buy a ticket? And if you do, what the blue hell is the matter with you? Now go rent "Dogma" and "Chasing Amy" and be gone.
Hey, does the curse of a starring couple apply here? I'm asking.
"Moviegoers Rejoice Over Having To Re-Purchase Entire Film Collection"
Sony Pictures announced pricing on Tuesday for upcoming home-video releases on high-definition Blu-ray discs. Older "catalog" movie titles, it said, will wholesale for $17.95; newer releases, for $23.45, about 15 percent more than conventional DVDs. Sony said it would not suggest any retail prices for the titles. Meanwhile, Home Media Retailing magazine on Tuesday quoted Disney CEO Robert Iger as saying that he was "bullish" on high-definition DVDs. "I realize it's going to go through a challenge period because of competing formats and the fact that we have to penetrate the market with new players and new software, new movies [but] I think it's something that is going to ignite the marketplace." IMDB
Hey, I can live with those kind of numbers, fifteen percent more for new releases and well under twenty for a good handful of films I feel are worthy enough to replace with the super duper version. It's not like I haven't upgraded "Army of Darkness," "Hellboy," "The Shawshank Redemption," "The Crow" and "American Psycho" once or twice before. Might as well go one more. I was expecting 25 smackers for the whole deal, showing how much I know. And we always have places like Walmart and Target to jack down prices a bit, even though I hate shopping at Walmart. Might have to bite my touge for a while until the new medium gains steam.
And trust me, Disney affiliation or no, Iger knows what he's talking about. People will buy new DVDs if they had a sticker on them saying "Now with more packaging!" on them if the price is right and the movie is marketable. How do you think they are getting away with 20 different versions of "Evil Dead?"
"Evil Dead." That sounds good right about now. I think I'll go check it out one more time before I sell my version on eBay.
"Disney Technician Goes Insane, Fiddles With Matchbox in Office Corner"
Technicians at the Walt Disney Co. went through 339,552 original frames of 1955's The Lady and the Tramp and digitally removed 30 million pieces of dust and dirt from them, the company said in a news release. The classic animated feature is currently being shown on the big screen at the Disney-owned El Capital Theatre in Hollywood prior to the re-release of the "50th Anniversary" DVD on Feb. 28. Technicians indicated that the new film will represent an improvement over the original, which was the first animated film to be released in the CinemaScope wide-screen format. It also was originally released with a magnetic sound track, but while it was relatively simple to change the lens on projectors to show the CinemaScope movie, it was far more difficult -- and costly -- for theater owners to convert the sound systems. The result was that an optical soundtrack was included on most of the final release prints, which obscured a significant portion of the picture. IMDB
340,000 frames, 30 million pieces of dust. Question, two actually. First, does this level of accuracy occur for all old movies getting a suped up re-release? If so, I have a far higher appreciation for such re-released films, not to mention a higher threshold of financial pain for buying them. I ponder how many globs of goo they removed from "Casablanca" and "The Wizard of Oz." Makes you appreciate your copy of the 1933 "King Kong" DVD sitting on your shelf.
Two, did someone actually count the number of dust and dirt pieces? If so, someone apparently wanted a raise.
"Church of Scientology Be Down, Yo"
.Tom Cruise persuaded rapper Kanye West to change his mind about creating a new theme for Mission: Impossible III by paying him a visit. The movie star was adamant West should be involved in the soundtrack and when the rap star announced he was too busy to play around with the classic theme, Cruise refused to take no for an answer. Cruise tells MTV News, "I'm a big fan of his work and we said, 'What's Kanye doing?' - 'He's busy, busy, busy.' So... I went by and he's got two songs that he wrote that are just unbelievable - he did a version of 'Mission: Impossible' and an original... It is 'Wow'. When you see an artist that you just respect and he's so talented. I was like, 'Man, I'd love to see what he's gonna do with this.' You've got to hear what he did with it. It's Kanye West and it's really extraordinary. I looked at him and said, 'Man, you killed it.'" IMDB
Great, arrogant, self-absorbed, jerk-@$$ minds think alike, I suppose. I was actually stoked about the third "MI" when I caught the trailer with Philip Seymour Hoffman last week. Little did I know how much the film would suck without a Kanye West theme song. Because when I think of "Mission Impossible," I think Kanye West. Just the same as when I think James Bond in "Die Another Day," I think Madonna. Who doesn't.
Whatever. It still looks good, I have to admit. I haven't even seen the first two from front to back. Hoffman probably had something to do with it. Not that he needed to be in it. I love Tom Cruise. Ask anyone who reads this column. He is "Wow."
"Disgruntled Film Fan Takes Matters Into Own Hands"
BOYNTON BEACH, Fla. -- Alan Shalleck, who collaborated with the co-creator of "Curious George" to bring the mischievous monkey to television and a series of book sequels, was found dead outside his home, and police were treating the death as a possible homicide. The bloodied body of Shalleck, 76, was found Tuesday covered in garbage bags in the driveway of his mobile home. Police said it was there for at least a day before a maintenance man discovered it. Police were treating the case as a possible homicide, spokeswoman Sgt. Gladys Cannon said Wednesday, but she wouldn't disclose details about how Shalleck died. Shalleck's death came just as "Curious George" is debuting as a full-length feature film this Friday, featuring the voices of Will Ferrell, Drew Barrymore and Dick Van Dyke, among others. Shalleck, 76, was the writer and director of more than 100 short episodes of "Curious George," which were seen on the Disney Channel. HOLLYWOOD REPORTER
Hey, hey, pal. Look, I understand. Believe me. "Curious George." "The Honeymooners." "Dukes of Hazzard." "Bewitched." "The Cat in the Hat." But this is NOT the answer. At least give the movie a chance.
In all seriousness, if this is a homicide, as always I hope the perp gets what's coming to him ‘em. If there is no death penalty in Florida, I have just the thing. Three words: Uwe Boll marathon. No earplugs.
The (Last) Week in Box Office
1. When a Stranger Calls (2006)
$22M $22M
2. Big Momma's House 2 (2006)
$13.3M $45.4M
3. Nanny McPhee (2005)
$9.9M $26.6M
4. Brokeback Mountain (2005)
$5.68M $59.8M
5. Hoodwinked (2005)
$5.3M $44.1M
Wow. Sure it's a paltry $22 million debut weekend, but with the momentum "When a Stranger Calls" had behind it leading up to launch, it's lucky to be ranked. Like I mentioned earlier, I didn't go see it like I planned, but I'm not exactly missing it. I know where he's calling from anyway.
I'm think about unloading money into "Nanny McPhee" and "Brokeback Mountain" just to distance "Big Momma's House 2" as far away from success as humanly possible, but I fight the urge every time. I know I brought this up last week, but in the current film financial climate this turd should be at the bottom 100 at IMDB. I wouldn't normally care so much – dumb, bad movies make money all the time – but there are just too many worthwhile films struggling to feed their families. Did I mention the box office takes for "Serenity" or "King Kong?" I don't think I did.
I'll get used to it. Not like things are changing anytime soon. Speaking of which…
Smash it or Trash It
Opening today:
- Curious George
- Final Destination 3
- Firewall
- The Pink Panther
So, "Pink Panther" finally shows its notorious face after a months-long delay from late last year. I can't remember the last instance of a long delayed film being worth more than 2 bucks at the drive in, hence said delays, but I suppose there are always exceptions. Except with "The Pink Panther."
I'll give "Curious George" the benefit of the doubt – it's a kid/family flick. No one over the age of 8 cares what critics or online pundits say about it. We all went for that sort of thing when we were that age, too. "Firewall" is a wide release Harrison Ford flick I've never even heard of until recently, so "Final Destination 3" is my frontrunner on likelihood to earn my dollars. And ok, it does look sweet. Roller coasters are freaky in and of itself. One going nucking futs on you in the middle of the ride courtesy of a pissed off Grim Reaper is doubly so. Although let's call it a series after number three. Luck has been pressed as is.
BO: "Final Destination" wins with "Panther" and George" on 2 and 3. As always, don't listen to me.
Say What?
This little portion of the column is a movie quote/trivia contest for the readers. The first five people to email me with the correct answer get to be important with me by having their names and locations posted. Be a winner. Be important.
Last week's quote/trivia winners (Answer: "Batteries Not Included," Julia Louis-Dreyfus)
- Eric Gant
- Allan Reid, Northern Ireland
- Jim Bowerman
- Francis Bognar, Ottawa, Canada
- Jonathan DeSteno, Woodbridge,NJ
Good girls and boys. Some even claimed the "Batteries Not Included" quotes were too easy. That's the kind of useless film knowledge I want in my readers. I haven't even seen the movie in ages. It just kind of popped up in my head and I looked up some old quotes. Take a bow. The students have become the teachers. For today.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Elaine of "Seinfeld" mega fame, has yet to do a nude scene in his 20+ years of being an actress. The fact that she has yet to do one isn't what was so striking – when asked why she never did (I forget who asked the question and when), she said she was never even approached to do one. Who knew? There are moral people in Hollywood. That, or the thought of Elaine topless or nude in Playboy would be just too f'n odd to enjoy. I'm going for Option B.
I'll go easy on you this week.
Name That Film (same):
- "Yeah, she's got a lot to hang on to. What's the plural for 'butt'? On one person, I mean."
Outie
I see the Firefly petition is only at 9,000 or so signatures. We are aiming for 100,000. That show ain't gonna revive itself, people. Get to work. I'll turn this column around right now. Don't think I won't. If that thing ain't on at least 10,000 by next Friday, don't count on me being here. I'll do it.
