Misunderstood Masterpieces: Double Feature

Posted by Will Helm on 02.14.2006

…or, When an Adult Film Is Copying my Shtick, I Have to Worry

You know, last year I wasn't sure if I should start a Valentine's Day tradition but, in the interest of a legacy, I suppose I have to.

Anyway, I know that it's hard to believe, but – in addition to fetishes and predilections of every shape and size – adult films have serious dramatic genres. Some have edge-of-your-seat action, some are suspenseful thrillers, some can have elements of horror, and there are a few dramas as well. Of course, it goes without saying that there is one genre that lends itself perfectly to adult cinema and that is comedy. Maybe it's because comedy keeps the action onscreen lighthearted, making things easier on the performers, or maybe it's because there is an inherent absurdity to copulating onscreen; either way, for either reason, comedy and adult films go well together.

That beings said, it isn't surprising that one of the best and most decorated adult films of the past ten years is, indeed, a comedy. Not just a comedy, though, but also a spoof . . . of ‘50s sci-fi and horror! Whoa . . . that sounds familiar, doesn't it? Well, at least the spoof part. Maybe not the sci-fi and horror part. Except during the month of October. Anyway, said film was the winner of a maybe or maybe-not unprecedented – I don't feel like doing the research – ten Adult Video News awards, this hilarious adult film comes from 1999 and goes by the title of Double Feature. It is, unsurprisingly, a Wicked Pictures release – and for those of you who know what that means . . . you know WAY too much about adult films – and it is, without a doubt, a Misunderstood Masterpiece. So, without further ado, happy Valentine's Day, dear readers . . .

In case you were expecting the film to begin with wild sexual delights, you'd be wrong, as instead there is a creepy movie usher here to introduce the films of the evening. It also doesn't help that he looks like Ted Raimi for no particular reason. Anyway, after the usher's impromptu prologue, the film cuts to some coming attractions – no pun intended. Or pun definitely intended. You make the call. The first trailer is for a charming little romp entitled "Revenge of the Gangbang Zombies." Instead of being a true-to-life recounting of the waning hours of a frat-house rave, it's just a spirited take-off of George Romero's signature oeuvre. Of course, like any other horror film of that genre, the "heroes" are comically inept so, when they run out of wood to bolster their ramshackle shack against the zombies, the male "hero" gives the female "heroine" some wood of his own.

In the following trailer – because they always come in pairs – a deflated blow-up doll is found in a field! Dum-dum-DUM! The director, perhaps showing off his film-school chops, makes everything seem like Ingmar Bergman doing film noir, especially when the grizzled detective character – who's also the same guy as the "hero" from the trailer before – slaps around another blow-up doll while interrogating it. Umm . . . I don't think she'll talk there, detective, but I could be wrong. Of course, it's all par for the course when "Death Rides a Rubber Horse"! Or so the trailer says, at least. Somehow, over the course of the trailer, the detective, like every other grizzled detective in every other erotic thriller known to mankind, has a nervous breakdown, so his chick "comforts" him . . . in a manner of speaking. Oh, and then there's a pointless trailer for "Attack of the 12-Story Dildos." They can't all be winners, folks.

Finally, after an eternity of trailers – just like at the movies! – the film cuts to the feature presentation . . . or, actually, the first of two. The title of this film is Double Feature, after all. After a little bit of introductory credits, a trio of HOT CHICK aliens wearing shiny armor – that doesn't react too well with the cameras – sit and wait in their spaceship for . . . something. There is one problem, though: the trio is currently only a duo as the usher is sitting in for the third HOT CHICK since she "was running late." It's a hard life being a HOT CHICK alien. The HOT CHICK aliens, probably up to no good, settle into an earthbound orbit and wait for . . . something else.

Meanwhile, down on the surface, two overall-clad rednecks walk through a field and speak in nonsense . . . apparently sexual nonsense, since they repeatedly say the word "penis." Oh . . . wait . . . they're actually "peanut" farmers. My mistake. You do have to consider the context, after all. Anyway, the HOT CHICK aliens, with the usher still filling in for the missing alien, prepare to beam down . . . so they land their cheap, "Made in Japan" spaceship first and then appear out of nowhere next to it. "Low budget"? What does that mean?

After the leader of the HOT CHICK aliens scolds the late HOT CHICK alien for being . . . late, the hicks are suddenly and, without warning, mesmerized by the HOT CHICK aliens' presence. Perhaps to signify that we're not in Kansas anymore, the film goes to color and then the HOT CHICK aliens introduce the hicks to some extraterrestrial mating rituals . . . which look oddly similar to our own mating rituals. Interesting. Or perhaps not, as it seems that the HOT CHICK aliens' reproductive organs must be in their mouths. Then again, my theory may be wrong, as the hicks and the HOT CHICK aliens join together in more traditional mating rituals . . . for a very, very long time. The HOT CHICK aliens, perhaps requiring conception at all costs, try various positions for greater efficacy; that's quite interesting, I must say. Anyway, toward the end of this, the hicks – perhaps under the sway of the HOT CHICK aliens – suddenly turn feral and start growling like animals . . . and then they personally anoint the HOT CHICK aliens. Hmm . . . in some cultures, that means they're married.

Elsewhere, in a very large building, a HOT CHICK doctor (Serenity) and some other doctor guy (Randy Spears) make out in a laboratory. After a few passionate moments, the HOT CHICK doctor laments the fact that she and the dude can't be together, so she accidentally nearly chokes him out. Well, if she can't have him, no one can. Of course, it could very well be an odd precursor to a mating ritual of their own, since that is exactly what follows the near strangulation. Then again, I could be wrong, as it may be a medical checkup, since they are performing this deed on an examination table.

After a few introductory moments, my latter deduction appears to be correct, as the HOT CHICK doctor checks the dude doctor's temperature in a very unorthodox manner. Well, I've heard of "bedside manner" before, but this is a first for "bed-top manner." Maybe it's one of those New-Age medicine things. After finding that the dude's core temperature is ideal, she then has him give her a taste test . . . which would tell them something. I'm not sure what exactly, but she does seem to enjoy the testing process a great deal. Good for her; it's always nice to be comfortable around medical professionals. Then again, she is a doctor herself, so it's all good.

After the taste test is complete – and I guess the results are optimal – the HOT CHICK doctor then uses the dude doctor like a dipstick, which must mean that she wants to measure her temperature increase during the upcoming exercise. This is all so clinical. The HOT CHICK doctor should also be careful, as it does seem that she is exerting herself; luckily for her, she and her workout partner have a cool-down period scheduled, where the dude doctor takes over the action to give the HOT CHICK doctor a rest. After all this action reaches a climax, of sorts, the dude doctor must overdo himself as he blows a gasket . . . onto his colleague. What a slob!

Meanwhile, rudely, a newsman breaks into the scene to announce that the HOT CHICK aliens are invading . . . and reporter Dick Hurt is on the scene. Oh, those hilarious puns. Dick Hurt, hard-hitting journalist, rambles on while old stock footage of alien invasions attack the United States and blow up buildings in the process. Hmm . . . and here I thought the HOT CHICK aliens were just here for wanton sex, not wanton destruction. They must be REALLY horny. After the stock footage cavalcade concludes, the camera cuts back to Dick, who's very confused about the situation. Me too, Dick; me too. Of course, Dick needn't worry, as suddenly . . . military stock footage is unleashed to fight off the invading alien stock footage! Ah, there's nothing like a good, old fashioned stock-footage feud. Unfortunately for the stock-footage military, none of their stratagems work, so the callow news anchor pledges his allegiance to the HOT CHICK aliens. Honestly, I can't say I blame him.

Meanwhile, the doctors, finally finished with their medical experimentation, watch the ill-fated broadcast and immediately hatch a scheme to rid the world of the HOT CHICK aliens. Elsewhere, some military guy wants REVENGE! So much so, in fact, that he yells at some plastic army men for no particular reason . . . and then he starts playing with them. Well, I guess when you don't have anyone else to play with, you just have to play with yourself.

Before the military guy can do anything particularly perverted with the plastic army men, the president rudely interrupts and the military guy quells the commander-in-chiefs worries by telling him that commandos have been dispatched to eliminate the HOT CHICK aliens. Of course, perhaps as a bit of hilarious social commentary, the elite commandos comically fight over trees to hide behind while reconnoitering the HOT CHICK aliens' landing site. After a few moments of buffoonery, the commandos – who certainly weren't trained by John Matrix – accost the HOT CHICK aliens . . . and they're quickly subdued. The commandos, not the HOT CHICK aliens. Seriously . . . they blew up a bunch of stock footage; you expect three witless commandos to be their undoing?

Later, the HOT CHICK aliens visit the military guy, probably to ask him why the commandos were so futile. Or, it seems, they want more information than that, as the leader of the HOT CHICK aliens personally interrogates the military guy . . . and there's physical torture involved! I guess HOT CHICK aliens aren't covered by the Geneva Conventions. The leader of the HOT CHICK aliens, proving how she ascended to her post, personally extracts secrets from the military guy and then she makes him plumb her for revelations. In the end, she rides him hard in order to find out just what she wants to know and then, after he spills forth what she wants, he becomes her willing servant. Damned traitors!

Back at the lab, the usher – who also happens to be a doctor as well . . . I guess so he can reply if anyone ever says "Is there a doctor in the house?" – comes up with some secret serum to foil the HOT CHICK aliens . . . but they pay him a visit and make him a slave as well. Later, the HOT CHICK doctor and the dude doctor come up with a strategy of their own; meanwhile, the HOT CHICK aliens, who must really be venting their frustrations as violence, wreck Washington, D.C. At the lab, the dude doctor drinks some nuclear serum and, with it, he plans to enact his REVENGE against the HOT CHICK aliens! In order to hasten his plot, he gives himself over to the HOT CHICK aliens and they simultaneously attempt to ravish him; unfortunately for them, after an eternity of trying to make him come over to their side, the dude doctor defeats the HOT CHICK aliens in his own special way. And that's the climactic conclusion. Times three.

Without nary an intermission, the film jumps directly to the next feature presentation: "Man Made Beast." Methinks there's a bit of double entendre going on there. Anyway, some HOT CHICK – who just so happens to look just like the HOT CHICK doctor from the previous segment – seduces a man in stereotypical Mexican garb. You know, I'm a rather classy guy, so I will refrain from making any bad puns involving tacos, burritos, or enchiladas. Of course, you can make all the bad puns with those Mexican food items – or any others you can think of – as you want. I'm nice like that.

After having her way with the ersatz Latino, the HOT CHICK returns to her sinister lair where it just so happens that she is, unsurprisingly, a HOT CHICK doctor. Wow . . . how original. It's not like we haven't seen that a few minutes before. Of course, things aren't quite the same as this HOT CHICK doctor is an EVIL HOT CHICK doctor! And, being an EVIL HOT CHICK doctor, she also has all the requisite gadgets that throw sparks and make noises and there might even be a Theremin thrown in there too. Of course, what EVIL HOT CHICK doctor's laboratory would be complete without the true pièce de résistance: an EVIL HOT CHICK hunchback!

After the introductions, the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor reveals to her EVIL HOT CHICK hunchback her raison d'être: she needs a man. No one wants to grow old as an EVIL HOT CHICK doctor with an EVIL HOT CHICK hunchback and a bunch of cats. That's really just pathetic. And kind of odd. Anyway, perhaps just to shoehorn in another raunchy scene, the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor recounts to her malformed assistant that, in lieu of a man, she once tried lesbianism . . . apparently in the middle of a field, for some reason. I guess that's supposed to be "romantic" or something. Because mosquitoes are always romantic. Anyway, after a tender bit of nuzzling, the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor and her lover (Stephanie Swift) must feel a chill as they then begin rubbing their nether regions together, probably to try and make a fire. Of course, that doesn't work, but it could also be because the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor's lover is a zombie . . . and not just any zombie, but a gangbang zombie! Wait . . . I thought that was another movie. This film's internal logic is quickly crumbling. Plus, I always thought it was illegal to portray necrophilia in these types of films. Hmm.

Anyway, after the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor finishes her tale of lust and loss, the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor has an idea . . . a Frankenstein-esque idea! An idea so perverse and hideous, in fact, that the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor laughs sinisterly for an overly long time! Later, while the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor is probably busy catching her breath, the EVIL HOT CHICK hunchback raids a "penile clinic" and brings back a sample to her mistress. Once back at the laboratory, the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor and the EVIL HOT CHICK hunchback, due to the origin of the "specimen," rip off a bit from Young Frankenstein, just because it's appropriate. Not funny, mind you, but appropriate.

After a few moments of tinkering and such, the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor finishes her creature and, for some reason, she dressed him up in a ruffled tuxedo. I guess she needs a date for the prom as well as a lover then. Oh . . . speaking of which; why is it that some people say "prom" and others say "the prom"? This is one of the great wonders of the universe or, at least, something that really annoys me. It's a thing, folks, and that means it needs an article. Anyway, after the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor injects some life into the creature, she goes off to celebrate for no particular reason, leaving the EVIL HOT CHICK hunchback with the creature. Maybe in order to help acclimate the creature to the world, the EVIL HOT CHICK hunchback caringly and generously gives the creature a hump of its own, right there on the table.

After the creature finishes his evil deed, he ambles out of the laboratory – then again, anyone would in that situation – and when the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor returns, she is not happy. Seriously, though; who would be happy that their EVIL HOT CHICK hunchback assistant got it on with the undead creature he or she created for a love slave? It boggles the mind sometimes. While the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor is probably busy berating the EVIL HOT CHICK hunchback, the creature stumbles through a field and then he crosses paths with a horde of gangbang zombies, just because. I guess they found that concept to be so funny that it can show up whenever in the movie. Good to know.

Elsewhere, some farmer – who looks oddly like the usher from the beginning of the film – lectures his HOT CHICK daughter about the dangers of sexual relations and such. After the farmer exits, stage right – for relatively undisclosed purposes – the HOT CHICK daughter scampers out into the woods and right into the clutches of the creature! After he finds the HOT CHICK daughter, he and she live out about a zillion dirty jokes – she is a farmer's daughter, after all – and then, in the aftermath, the farmer and the villagers chase the creature across another field. For some reason, following the maddened horde is a clutch of gangbang zombies as well . . . just because, I guess.

Somehow, the creature finds his way back to his mistress but the villagers are hot on his tail and looking for REVENGE! Once back at the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor's inner sanctum, the creature looks for refuge and the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor tries to calm the enraged mob, but to no avail. Eventually, the creature ends up back in the town – or, in this case, a ramshackle farm – where he is chained and threatened by villagers armed with plastic weapons. Luckily for the creature, the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor enters the scene to rescue him – in actuality, it's just some HOT CHICK who looks like the EVIL HOT CHICK doctor for some reason – and they proceed to copulate for an absurd amount of time. Seriously, they go at it for more than a month straight. That creature definitely is Abby Normal, to say the least. Anyway, after the session concludes, a random adult-film director enters the scene and enlists the creature to be a star. Oh the self-referential hilarity . . . and the bloopers.

Seriously, the film ends with porn bloopers. Wow.

Unbelievably, Double Feature is, regardless of its adult status, a good and entertaining film. One could, if one were so inclined, remove the explicit scenes and still have a decent and hilarious – albeit short – picture. Perhaps that's because comedy, unlike other genres, does lend itself best to adult films; it allows the good actors to shine and it also compensates for the lesser actors because they all get to camp it up. Even better, in a setting such as a horror/sci-fi spoof, the camp is inherent, so they can really cut loose . . . with their acting. I'm sure they cut loose with their other performance elements regardless of genre. Anyway, whenever you have an adult film that would be a rather remarkable film on its own, without any racy content, that makes it a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week when we start a trilogy of bad superhero movies; I assure you, next week, evil will be slammed. See you then!