Warped News 02.16.06: The V-Day Hangover Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 02.16.2006
FLOUR BOMB! And other ways to say “I love you”…
Ah, it's Valentine's Day. A day where men spend their hard earn money for women who won't appreciate it two days later. For some, it's the only time a guy can get a hummer. For others, like me, it's a day where I can laugh at the pathetic slugs who must carry on in this inane ritual. In other words, I hid my shame in laughter.
So no candy or romance or candlelit dinners for me. I soloed the night with a nice carryout dinner from a local restaurant and College Basketball 2K6 for the Xbox. Yes, I know I'm a loser, and it takes one to know one.
Anyway, since I didn't get to write to you before this bogus holiday of love, let me extend to you few warm words of affection…Warped News style.
Feel the love. But enough with the sappy love letters and heart-shaped candies that will give your girlfriend the impression that she needs to lose weight…prompting an argument that assures that you won't be getting any for a while. Let's move on to the lovely, lacey, Cupid-esque flower whose petals shall never whither and never sour. HOW'S THAT FOR POETRY, BIATCH! It's time for…
All the News, New and Improved
Fark.com: "Tom and Katie to split. Next time make sure she's OT III before implanting a thetan"
Ok, sit down ladies and gentlemen. What I have to report just might shock the life out of you. You might convulse in desperation and claw at reality itself for a little sanity. In other words, get ready. Life & Style magazine reports that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have agreed to call off their wedding and split. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *echo*
Multiple insiders confirmed the story to the magazine, with one longtime friend of Tom's saying, "Their relationship is basically over." Another friend adds, "They both agreed that the marriage wouldn't work and they wanted to end it before they learned to hate each other."
The insiders say that the soon-to-be separated couple plan to keep up the charade of a romance until after their baby's birth this spring. In other words, business as usual. In the meantime, the couple will live in his Beverly Hills home, sleeping in separate bedrooms, through the summer. According to the report, Cruise plans to buy his baby's mama a home nearby so he can visit his child whenever he wishes.
However, it didn't take long for the TOMKAT group to issue their hearty denial. "It should be known that the story (of a breakup) is 100 percent false," spokesman Paul Bloch said in a statement sent to news agencies in response to the report.
"Mr. Cruise and Ms. Holmes are still engaged and are moving forward with their wedding plans, as well as planning for the arrival of their child. Despite the malicious fallacies put forth ... the couple is looking forward to a long and happy life together as a family." Yeah…they broke up.
Unfortunately, we'll get one more mega-blitz of news coverage about these two, then it'll be all over. Then we can get mega-blitzed about Cruise's new "relationship" with some desperate screen actress (or maybe actor).
Dammit! You can't tease us like this!
According to the website, Egotastic.com, next month's issue of Playboy will feature a bikini-clad Jessica Alba on the cover for Playboys "25 Sexist Celebrities". Will she get naked? Of course not.
Alba was named Playboy's sexist celebrity of the year, but if there are no pictures of Jessica Alba nude inside, they're just being mean. We should mount a protest against Playboy for this. WHO'S WITH ME ON THIS? No one? Ok. Other stars who made Playboy's list, but don't get naked include Scarlett Johansson, Angelina Jolie, and others.
The fallout has begun…
A few weeks ago, I reported a story about a Hollywood private detective who illegally wiretapped and searched criminal records of people for Hollywood clients. I told you then that studio bosses and A-List celebrities might get caught up in the scandal. Well, the shat hath hit the flan. The New York Times reports that several Hollywood figures whose telephone conversations were allegedly recorded by private detective Anthony Pellicano were involved in legal battles with former super agent and Disney president Michael Ovitz.
Still others battling Ovitz had their backgrounds checked illegally in law-enforcement databses, according to prosecutors who talked to the newspaper. The revelations come just days after it was reported that Ovitz had been called to testify before a grand jury about his dealings with Pellicano. Former Los Angeles Times reporter Anita Busch has subpoenaed Ovitz to give a deposition in her lawsuit against Pellicano.
Pellicano and an associate have been implicated in an incident in which a dead fish with a rose in its mouth and a sign saying "Stop" were left in Busch's car while she was investigating a story about possible Mafia links to actor Steven Seagal. An attorney for Busch said Sunday that he suspected that Pellicano was acting on behalf of one of his clients. In a magazine interview in 2002, Ovitz alluded to the dead-fish incident in discussing two of his former lieutenants at the Creative Management Agency with whom he had had a falling-out.
The Times said that one of its own reporters, former Hollywood-based correspondent Bernard Weinraub, may have been targeted by Pellicano, who -- using a police source -- illegally ran his name through the FBI's National Crime Information Center database. Another reporter, Anita Busch of the Los Angeles Times, also had her phone conversations tapped by Pellicano, the New York Times said.
Ovitz was a big player in Hollywood, even before his 9-month stint at Disney. This could be disaster for him because he could end up in jail for these actions. But I feel that Ovitz is just the beginning. There are a lot of paranoid people in Hollywood. Studios spend billions of dollars making and promoting films. You don't think that at least once, some studio exec decided to hire Pellicano to keep tabs on some actor/actress/director that was in one of their films?
Pellicano will turn state's evidence very quickly. He'll drop names, and the police will start investigating half of Hollywood before we know it. Let's just call this the seed to what will end up being the biggest story in Hollywood in 2006.
Jack Bauer: Broadway Star
The British tabloid, The Sun, reports Kieffer Sutherland is considering making a spoof film version of his hit TV show "24." The award-winning actor, who plays federal agent Jack Bauer in the drama, says there were so many hilarious blunders while filming the popular series, that an Airplane-style movie would be a good idea.
Contact Music quotes the star as saying, "We've made a lot of jokes about that actually.
There was one scene where I was scaling the wall of the Chinese embassy and the dart gun in my holster fell out in the dark and went off and shot me in the a** halfway up the wall. There were so many things that had gone wrong when we were trying to shoot, we thought it would be very funny to do a film that was a complete spoof of ‘24.' (Like Airplane) but us doing it."
He also joked, "Either that, or a musical."
I wouldn't mind this too much. Except that Kieffer would be relegated to the Leslie Neilsen career path of stupid farce. But in light of this story, you can always start "24: The Musical" with this little diddy…to the tune of "Luck Be a Lady":
Jack be an agent toniiiiiiiiight.
Just be an agent toniiiiiiiiight.
Do it for Palmer while he keeps the public calmer.
Do it for Tony and for Chloe...and all the other Muppets?
Jack! Be an agent toniiiight!
Don't you just love when I combine "24" with a Simpsons reference? Email me if you don't get it. I'll fill you in on the joke.
File this under the "I wish I was still relevant" category…
Marilyn Manson announced at the Berlin Film Festival that he plans to direct a film based on the diary of Lewis Carroll in which he will play the part of the writer of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland."
According to the American Foreign Press, Manson said he wanted to show the dark obsessions of the Victorian author rather than make a period film because that would be "boring."
"It is very much about his obsessions, not so much about the Victorian era. There will be sex," he told reporters. I think I won't be the first to shiver at the thought of seeing a naked Marilyn Manson having sex. Manson also said he identified with Carroll and wanted to focus on the dark side of his most famous work. Gee, surprised? I really though he would focus on the lighter side of Alice. You know, the girly-girl she really was.
"I have many things in common with him. He was very much linked to his childhood. I want to take the children's story that we all know and discover the horrifying roots that grow beneath every one of its childish metaphors," he said. See, this is what happens when you tease a kid too much in high school. You get goth rockers way past their prime making stupid sh*t like this. Stop the bullying!
Alice Liddell, the young girl who inspired Carroll's greatest work and with whom he had a controversial friendship, will be played by the model Lily Cole, who has done catwalk work for fashion houses like Christian Dior and Hermes. The film will be titled "Phantasmagoria - The Visions of Lewis Carroll" and should be completed in 2007.
It'll hit video store shelves just a few days later.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - Every Man's Fantasy Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
According to the website, Dlisted.com, Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek have been rumored to be lovers for years now. But starring in the film Bandidas together has fueled reports that the two are bumping uglies…whereby killing kitten across the globe.
During a press conference for the film in Mexico, Cruz reached over and grabbed Hayek's luscious ass and said, "I grabbed Salma's ass just to keep things moving. And the energy changed when I did that. Magazines in Mexico are describing us as lesbians, people are saying we are lovers."
We can only wish…as long as we can watch.
Mother Hilton will go on her hunger strike…oh, wait…
Well-known Malayalam director T. Rajeevnath, in scouting for a suitable actress to play the title role in his film on Mother Teresa, has sent feelers to "actress" Paris Hilton. "My agents in California have contacted Paris Hilton," Rajeevnath told IANS. Last train to Hell? Two tickets, please.
The director said he was impressed when he read a report sometime ago in which the hotel heiress said she had refused to pose nude in Playboy magazine and decided then to shortlist her. Huh? Is that all that qualifies for sainthood…or even integrity these days? If so, why ain't I a saint? It's not that I've been contacted to pose for Playboy. It's just…well. You know what I mean. I'm a nice guy.
The English film will be mostly shot in West Bengal and in several foreign countries. Rajeevnath has won a national award for direction, besides quite a few international awards. Mother Teresa will be his 11th commercial film and he has already sold this idea to a few international production houses including the US-based First Serve International.
"Although there are several actresses willing to play the role of Mother Teresa, the most widely respected and loved person, the history of the actress who is finally chosen for the role would have to be analyzed thoroughly before she is chosen," said Rajeevnath. Then, I guess Paris is already out?
Before we condemn the man, let's take a look at this possibility…
At least they have the same skeletal structure. Possibly dialogue in the movie would include: "Wow! You are so, like, poor. I must help you", "Ewww! Don't touch me you diseased-ridden freak!" and "Don't you know I'm, like, so special and hot?"
Believe me, it's not her first contact with white powder…
Man, talk about conflicting! Who would you root for in this scenario? According to the British paper, The Evening Standard, Paris Hilton was the target of a flour bombing by animal rights protesters from our favorite hypocritical group, PETA. PETA or Paris? Who to choose?
Hilton was reportedly hit by four flour bombs after her catwalk appearance at London Fashion Week Tuesday night. Animal rights campaigners were targeting designer Julian Macdonald, who uses fur, as he and the hotel heiress made their way to the after-show party at Cuckoo Club in Mayfair.
Earlier the hotel heiress had opened the show when she wore diamonds valued at £2 million. They were probably thicker than she was. "There is nothing remotely fashionable about the torture and death of animals killed for fur," PETA Europe's Yvonne Taylor told the BBC. "Julien Macdonald may have been able to ignore images of bloody skinned animals gasping for breath in the past, but hopefully a dash of flour will help him rise to the occasion and forsake fur once and for all." Just think of all the harmless wheat these PETA bastards tortured to make this statement. OH, THE HUMANITY! The flour bomber reportedly escaped as police arrived at the scene.
As much as I hate to admit it, I have to go with PETA on this one. Anything that humiliates Paris into obscurity is a plus in my book. However, this is a one-time thing. I never root for PETA because they're stupid, devoid of any real critical thought and hypocritical. I'll never be on their side again…unless they flour bomb Tom Cruise during a sex romp with Rob Thomas. Then we can talk.
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner: GWYNETH PALTROW.
In an interview with FemaleFirst.co.uk, Gwyneth Paltrow admits she prefers living in London to Los Angeles, because British people are "more intelligent and civilized". The actress has been accused of turning her back on her adopted home in the past, after criticizing London and the famously bad UK weather. But she insists she'd never leave the home she has made with husband Chris Martin and daughter Apple.
She says, "I love living in the UK! Brits are far more intelligent and civilized than Americans. I love the fact that you can hail a taxi and just pick up the pram and put it in the back of the cab without collapsing it. I love the parks. I love the zoo in Regents Park. I love the places I go for dinner and stuff like that, and I love my friends. It's a pretty great city, you know."
She continues, "I really don't think I'm stuck-up. And neither do the people who know me. I can be picky and super-critical about things, and I have certain standards, but I certainly don't look down on other people." Except for us slack-jawed yokels in the U.S. *yuck, yuck*
For lacking the ability to know when to just shut up, and for naming a child Apple, Ms. Paltrow is the:
Craftsman 13 pc. Hex Key Set, Ball End
Sears item #00946754000 Mfr. model #46754
13 pc. ball end hex key set includes sizes 1/20-3/8 in. Ball end gives 28 deg. greater access to fasteners.
Made of tough alloy steel and as thin as an anorexic actress on meth.
Your Robert Redford Minute…
A couple of news bites centered around actor Robert Redford to round out your day. First, the New York Daily News is reporting that Redford is making plans to use his Sundance Channel, which primarily presents independent films, to air live TV dramas based on classic books and short stories.
"I did the last Playhouse 90 that was ever done," Redford said, referring to the weekly live dramatic series that aired live from Hollywood in the late 1950s. Redford told Daily News TV writer David Bianculli that once he finds financial support, he plans to contact actors and directors and offer them the opportunity to do their favorite works of literature. "Why don't we plan to take artists like myself -- I would do it in a flash -- and do short stories, and put them on as originals on the channel?" Redford asked.
It's a good idea. I always loved the concept of live broadcasts. It's why SNL has been so popular for so long. It challenges actors and directors alike to present material in an interesting way, without looking like a Broadway stage. I hope this comes to life, and starts a trend a similar shows on other networks.
Also in the news, in an interview with Newsweek magazine, Redford is quoting as saying he fears his Sundance Film Festival is growing too big, after seeing celebrities like Paris Hilton attend the event. Redford hosted his 25th annual festival in Park City, Utah, last month, which was started in 1979 to showcase low-budget, independent films and talent.
However, as the festival grows larger and larger every year, some celebrities have begun turning up just for parties, even though they have nothing to do with the films on show. Redford said in the interview, "To the outside world, it's a big fat market where you have people like Paris Hilton going to parties. Now, she doesn't have anything to do with anything. I think the festival is close to being out of control." Despite Redford's disdain for the socialite, Hilton has attended the parties of Sundance every year since 2004.
Redford is smart enough to have noticed this before now. It's what happens when you're a success. People start jumping on the bandwagon. Sundance has been the forum for independent filmmakers to get their first big break. It's become a market for films that wouldn't have seen the light of day under the studio system. It's become the hot spot to be seen if you're an actor.
Paris whoring herself out at Sundance is nothing new, and Redford knows it. If he really wants to make a statement, he'll step aside and let Sundance go. He'll start another, smaller film festival to accomplish more of what he wants to accomplish…say the Tallgrass Film Festival in Wichita, KS.
The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Yet another fantastic, trademarked segment to pay tribute to the ever-growing mistakes made by network journalists and 24-hour news networks. This award is to honor the great Bill O'Reilly, who's constant blathering continues to tell us lowly "ham and eggers" what journalism really is. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. We wouldn't know bad journalism without you. *sarcasm included for free*
According to a report by the Long Island Press, another newspaper, the Boca Raton News, reported on the alleged misconduct by World Wrestling Entertainment Chairman Vince McMahon, who has been accused by a tanning salon employee of groping her and trying to kiss her late last month in Florida. But the final line of the story claimed that McMahon was "reportedly" seeking a divorce from his wife, Linda McMahon, the CEO of WWE.
Too bad the paper mixed up that piece of information with a storyline portrayed on RAW a few years ago. To those few people who read this report who ISN'T up on their pro wrestling, a brief explanation: In 2000, as part of a storyline, Vince McMahon asked his wife for a divorce on TV after she sided with then-WWE Commissioner Mick Foley on a matchmaking decision. It was all for show and television ratings, but apparently no one at the Boca Raton News knew the difference.
When Boca Raton News Co-Editor John Johnston was contacted by the Press, he noted that his paper wasn't the only media outlet to make the error. He explained that the reporter who wrote the story had heard the erroneous divorce report from local television stations and included it in his story. He added that the paper would not be running a correction because it's impossible to define what is real and what isn't when it comes to wrestling. "You can do a correction on a fact, not on a farce," Johnston says.
Ummm…say that again? You can't correct something you know is false? Once again, journalists show that journalistic integrity is the farce of this story. If reporters can't confirm their facts before they put their story to print, then why are they journalists? They could be internet writers like me. *pause for laugh*
*continue*
It's amazing how many journalists think they are above everyone else. So, the Boca Raton Press wasn't up on their pro wrestling. In the grand scheme of things, who is? The vast majority of people aren't. That's still no excuse to take second-hand knowledge and write it up as fact. If you are a journalist, every piece of information you don't witness first-hand MUST be confirmed by at least one, preferably two, independent sources. At least that's what they taught me in Journalism 101 class at college.
On the next episode of "Being Brandon Tartikoff"…
Here's where I profile really dumb decisions made by TV executives, primarily at the Fox Network, which prove to the world that any jackass that has two eyes and can slam his/her head into a wall repeatedly can be a TV network executive. I'm frankly shocked that no one has done a reality TV show on this. Then again, the executives who pick these types of shows would never air how pathetically easy their jobs are.
According to the New York Post, Tony Danza's daytime talk show has been cancelled by Buena Vista Television…only, they're too afraid to tell him. Danza's time slot has already been given to Rachael Ray's upcoming show. According to the buzz that someone at the Post's Page Six received at rival talk show "Live! With Regis & Kelly," Buena Vista execs Gwynne Thomas and Roni Selig have decided to cancel Danza.
"[Thomas and Selig] came to New York recently and were supposed to tell Tony, but chickened out," said one insider. "They are afraid Tony will be so upset that he won't be able to go on with the live shows every morning." The Buena Vista execs will wait until a two-week hiatus in March. "Tony will get on a plane and fly home to L.A., and the execs will shut down the show."
See how lame you can be and still have a job as a TV exec? You don't even need the cohunes to fire someone to their face. All you need to do is wait until your talent leaves the set and tear it down while he's gone. I'm not a fan of Tony Danza or even like the idea of him having a talk show. But to cancel a show like this is inexcusable. Danza used to be a boxer. I hope these executives never "run into him" accidentally on the street. It could get Buster Douglas ugly.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Magic Flute Edition
Alyson Hannigan is having a little trouble getting through your typical mall. During an interview with the New York Post, plugging her new film Date Movie, Hannigan admits that she gets a few strange remarks by people when walking through the mall.
"Well, I avoid the food court at malls now, because they tend to scream at me a lot - they scream ‘band camp' a lot. So it definitely enhanced the ‘being yelled at in public' aspect of my life. I didn't have that so much before the American Pie movies."
Her role of the flute-toting band geek in American Pie has also brought grief upon other, more innocent, flute-toting band geeks. "I actually met one poor women - who I'm sure is in therapy - who plays the flute, goes to band camp and her name is Michelle. She came up to me and said, ‘You don't understand what you've done to my life.'"
So, to honor our favorite band geek and lesbian slayer buddy, a photo tribute:
She can stick my flute up her (you know what) anytime.
From Pimpstick To Pulpit
David Hardy has even more boobies than I do this week! Plus, he has a naughty trailer from Basic Instinct 2 in his latest Hardywood Hollar. I was trying not to promote the film, otherwise I would have naked Sharon Stone pictures here. Just want you to know I'm not slacking.
Steve Vicious has mini-reviews for nearly every single show that aired last week (at least close to it), plus Mandy Moore-babalicious over at the Vicious TV News Wrap. For the record…I did not drop the "h" out of Chris. My parents did when they named me. For years they told me they did it because Chris with an "h" was short for Christ, and that's a lot for a little boy to live up to. They told me years later that it was a joke. And people wonder where my warped sense of humor comes from…
*bow-chicka-BOW-bow* Will Helm renews his Valentine's Day tradition, and analyses a porn film in his latest Misunderstood Masterpieces: Double Feature. Why is that pillow in your lap?
Chad Walsham takes a look at one of my favorite films of 2005, Murderball, in his latest Behind the Scenes.
In another Valentine's Day special, George H. Sirois breaks down one of the most awkward scenes in Pretty Woman, in his latest Scene Anatomy 101. Really, that IS an awkward scene. It looked like Richard Gere was playing with a gerbil during that scene.
New to theatres…
Date Movie: Don't we all love Alyson Hannigan?
Eight Below: Snow Dogs without the talking dogs.
Freedomland: This could be interesting…
That's another wrap for this week's Warped News. I don't want to get all sentimental or anything, but I do appreciate you, my dear readers. And I want you to know that I will always love you in that special way. For this, I give you yet another belated Valentine's Day card:
