Misunderstood Masterpieces: The Phantom

Posted by Will Helm on 02.21.2006

…or, Why Isn’t Anyone Going to Rescue Me from Bad, Obscure-Superhero Movies?

Superman. Batman. Spider-Man. Throughout the years, they've all had their heroic exploits put to celluloid, with varying results. More recently, all of them have seen – or will see, in the case of the Man of Steel – revivals in cinematic stature through great filmmakers such as Sam Raimi and Christopher Nolan. Once the subject of campy, clichéd films, the superhero has become a juggernaut in the film industry; not a few months go by without another superhero film finding its way to theaters, whether popular, well-known, or neither.

It is the neither, honestly, that intrigues me, so much so that I decided to focus on three films that feature relatively obscure superheroes that no one really wanted to see in film. Unlike more recent, surprisingly decent films like Constantine or Hellboy – both of which feature fairly obscure lead characters – the films I will cover in the next three columns – counting this one – represent the low point of obscure superheroes in film. Is it any surprise, then, that I would begin with one of the dullest superheroes ever: the Phantom?

Yes, dear readers, the Phantom, that purple-clad scourge of the daily funny pages – that no one has probably read for the last thirty years or so – once had a movie featuring his "adventures" – if one uses that word extremely loosely – released to American theaters. The year was 1996 and, hot on the heels of the (soon-to-be-waning) Batman franchise, someone somewhere decided that it would be a good idea to turn the most boring crime fighter in superhero history loose upon the silver screen. Featuring the wonderfully curious tagline "Slam Evil!" – and just why does evil need to be slammed? Can't it be pummeled? Pureed? Excised? – The Phantom garnered little critical or financial success at the box office, mainly because no one born in the past twenty years cares about the Phantom. Of course, should they have cared enough to see the movie? I think it's time to investigate further . . .

Just when I thought it was safe . . . just when I thought it was impossible to include it . . . the film begins with an introductory monologue. It seems, according to said monologist, that a long time ago, some kid survived a pirate attack and he was raised on a deserted island by a mysterious native tribe. This native tribe, while the kid was still a preschooler, gave him a powerful ring and a mission of REVENGE against the pirates who killed his family! Some undefined time later, in 1938, a truck drives through the jungle and its driver, fake Raiden (James Remar, making yet another appearance in this column) is really ticked off. Some annoying little local kid jabbers on, telling fake Raiden that he should turn around and end his search through the jungle. Or, at least, that's what fake Raiden thinks the kid is trying to tell him; the kid just wants fake Raiden to turn his map around. Oh, the hilarity of a culture clash.

After fake Raiden finally listens to the kid and turns the map around, the truck comes upon a creepy, rickety bridge in the middle of the wilderness. After some consternation and commiseration, the guys on the truck decide to walk across, leaving the kid to drive across the bridge. It's a shrewd gambit as, through the lack of the kid's weight and sheer luck, the truck makes it to the other side. Aerosmith would be proud. After the bridge, however, the kid freaks out because there is – according to the kid – a spirit that guards that part of the jungle. Fake Raiden, who had a run-in with the "spirit" before – and has a skull-shaped scar to prove it – doesn't think there's anything to worry about, so he has the kid tied up and thrown in the back of the truck. Eh, I guess they're saving him for later when they have to go back over the bridge.

Deep in the steamy jungle, the guys find a creepy cave and, as they enter, a native tribesman watches intently. Inside the cave, the ne'er-do-wells find desiccated corpses and spiders; wow . . . how original. It's not like we've seen the same thing in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, or Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. They were probably even in Allan Quartermain and the Lost City of Gold, but I've never seen that, so I don't know. Maybe that could be a future column. Anyway, among the dried out human husks and arachnids, they guys look around and, finally, one of them finds and steals a metal skull. Unfortunately for the grave-looting henchman, it makes a mummy very angry and it strangles the guy to death. The other guys, rightly freaked out, start shooting . . . and drums start playing outside. Whoa . . . I guess U2 is here to save the rainforest with a concert on location! It may be true, in fact, as the indigenous wildlife is extremely excited by the goings-on.

Meanwhile, not far from the scene, the purple warrior himself, the Phantom, rides into action. Once on the scene of the crime, the Phantom grabs a guy and smashes him against a tree mercilessly. Unfortunately for our late-arriving hero, the other guys get back to the truck . . . but the Phantom jumps onto it like every other male action hero would . . . he just happens to be wearing a purple bodysuit. After the Phantom knocks out another henchman, fake Raiden jumps to safety while the Phantom – and the local boy tied up in the back of the truck – drive onto the rickety old bridge! While the bridge slowly – very slowly – collapses around them, the Phantom rescues the boy and swings to safety; the truck falls and blows up in the bottom of the ravine. Oh well, I guess fake Raiden is never going to make it to the other side of the river now. Maybe he should've taken the truck all the way across first.

Later, at the local jungle police station, some British guy – after the captured henchmen confess that the Phantom somewhat foiled their evil deeds – is skeptical as to the hero's existence, but the other believes! Meanwhile, at the Phantom's headquarters, his faithful assistant (who looks like Haji from Johnny Quest) stitches the hero up and then the Phantom discovers that fake Raiden was a pirate and he's searching for a trio of ancient, evil skull sculptures . . . like the one the one guy found just before the corpse throttled him. After the Phantom reveals this shocking plot development to his associate and the audience, his dad (Patrick McGoohan) shows up on the scene to yell at him. After the thoughtful haranguing, it is discovered that the Phantom's dad – who is listed in the credits, hilariously, as "Phantom's dad" – is merely an apparition . . . or a figment of the imagination of a guy who wears a funny purple suit. Either way, it's probably a sure sign of some kind of psychoses. Either the hallucinations or the purple suit.

In the United States, tomboyish HOT CHICK Diana Palmer (Kristy Swanson) returns home to her giant mansion . . . well, actually, her rich uncle and aunt's giant mansion. It appears that there's a party going on right there, a celebration to last throughout the years, and all of the Palmers' good friends and family are there too. Now, for once, Kool and the Gang would be proud. Of course, they may not be so proud once local bad guy Xander Drax (Treat Williams) – whose name SO wants to be a palindrome but it just can't pull it off – arrives, ticking off Diana's righteous and forthright uncle (Bill Smitrovich). While Diana, headstrong as always, makes a sandwich in the kitchen and some WASP-y guy hits on her, her uncle sasses at Drax – whose descendent Hugo would go on to pester James Bond in one of his worst films – much to the chagrins of the mayor and local chief of police. Later, Diana's uncle reveals just why Drax is such a pest to him: Drax is collecting archaic relics in search of "supernatural powers" . . . and he's in league with the pirates! On that end, Diana, in lieu of her uncle, is going to the jungle to contact one of the British guys from the earlier scene. After the plot exposition meeting – like many films before, get used to it – the mayor – or the chief of police; it's not clear which – joins with Drax because they're sinisterly working together! Dum-dum-DUM!

Down at the local docks, Diana boards a seaplane – because seaplanes are cool – while two greasy, stereotypical thugs watch from an adjacent hot-dog stand. They thugs call Drax and report in and then their news is interrupted by a nerdy librarian, there for a meeting with Drax about a certain leak of information to Diana's uncle's newspaper. The librarian, unaware of Drax's intent, reassures the wealthy, nonchalant villain, but Drax blinds him with a rigged microscope anyway. I guess he had the gadget there, so he just had to use it.

Meanwhile, in the air, sky pirates attack Diana's seaplane and force it to land in the middle of the ocean. Once safely stopped, the seaplane is boarded by the sky pirates' leader, Sala (a very young Catherine Zeta-Jones), who is looking for Diana. Diana, perhaps unwisely, gives herself up to spare any of the passengers harm, so Sala just knocks her out instead. Elsewhere, in the jungles, the Phantom visits one of the British guys . . . ironically, it's the "skeptical" one. Oh those crafty British . . . his skepticism was a ruse all along. The British guy, helpfully, provides exposition for the Phantom – mainly about the sacked plane and Diana's disappearance – and the Phantom leaves soon after.

At a dock just outside the jungle, Sala and fake Raiden hold Diana hostage and fake Raiden – and Sala, just less overtly – hit on her. Whoa . . . there's nothing like some implied lesbianism in obscure superhero films. Outside, while the Phantom's wolf provides a clever distraction, the Phantom climbs aboard fake Raiden's ship and he finds – oddly – a shower full of HOT CHICKS . . . armed and dangerous HOT CHICKS. It seems, as we learn later, that all of Sala's sky pirates are women. I guess the fact that they're HOT CHICKS is an added bonus. Anyway, while the HOT CHICK sky pirates shoot at the Phantom, he quickly drops into the midst of Diana and Sala. This excites Sala – I guess she likes purple things – but, after the Phantom releases Diana, Diana knocks out Sala. I guess there weren't any sparks. Oh well.

With the Phantom and Diana on the run, the pirates on the ship go into action and almost capture the heroes! Luckily for them, the wolf is still on board and, in order to hasten the heroes' escape, it mauls fake Raiden as a distraction. With all the hubbub going on around him, the Phantom, with Diana in tow, steals a plane from the harbor and they fly from the scene. Meanwhile, the wolf, now off the ship, runs over to tell the Phantom's horse – "What is it, Devil? Is the Phantom stuck in a well?" – to start running after the Phantom's stolen plane! Preposterous? What does that mean? Perhaps the wolf knew something the Phantom didn't, however, as the plane quickly – thanks to a few unfortunate bullet holes – runs out of fuel, so the Phantom and Diana climb down to one of the pontoons – the director must have had an obsession with seaplanes – and they fly in front of a blue screen! Ah, the excitement of bad special effects. The heroes jump onto the horse and the plane flies into a convenient cliff to explode . . . but the pirates are still on their tail! Sheesh. Luckily, after a near eternity of riding, the Phantom and Diana lose the pirates and escape with a little help from the locals.

Back at the Phantom's lair, he gives Diana a pearl necklace . . . and then the British guy shows up! Whoa . . . tag team action! Oh, wait . . . that was last week and the Phantom LITERALLY gave her a pearl necklace. The British guy is just there for the only thing he's good for: exposition. Finally, thanks to this meeting of the minds – and plotlines – all of the subplots finally get together and we know where the film is heading. The Phantom, finally in complete control of all the information, wants Diana sent back to New York; I guess her jungle expedition was all for naught, in a way. It was more like "show up, tell the hero what you know, and leave." Eh . . . I'm all for efficiency, but this is ridiculous.

Back in New York, Drax gets the silver skull from fake Raiden and Sala, who, helpfully, cleaned it with toothpaste before handing it over. Well that's awfully nice of her. After the evil Drax revels in his slight victory, he questions his henchmen as to why Diana got away back in the jungle. Fake Raiden, apprehensively, explains the situation and then Sala starts yammering on about how the Phantom loves Diana and vice versa, just because she's a HOT CHICK and she knows these kinds of things. Speaking of the Phantom, now as his alter ego, "Kit Walker," he's in New York for a visit to Diana's uncle! Hilariously, before joining with the elder Palmer, he pays a cab driver in gemstones because he doesn't have any American money. My sides . . . they are splitting. Mainly because the stitching on my shirt is weakened from repeated washings.

Elsewhere, in Drax's office building, he shows an evil slideshow to his evil cohorts revealing his evil plan for the evil skulls. It seems that, if one puts the skulls together, they form the real ultimate power in the world! Ninjas? Anyway, one of the evil cohorts – the wise Mafioso, to be specific – gets cold feet, so, while he saunters to the door – slowly – Drax kills him with a spear. No, seriously. Meanwhile, over at the local newspaper, Diana blows off the WASP-y guy from before and then she finds Kit Walker waiting for her in her uncle's office! Of course, whenever three or more of the main characters get together, there's bound to be some exposition, and that's what happens here . . . specifically, that the second of the evil skulls can be found at the local museum. Diana and Kit, both on the case, have a bit of a tiff on the way there, mainly because they have a "history" together . . . but his whole Phantom gig after the death of his father got in the way of any romance.

Over at the museum, Kit complains about the inappropriate exhibition of the skull – what an elitist! – and then, perhaps to fix the oversight himself, he breaks into the exhibit, planning to extricate the evil skull! Unfortunately for Kit, Drax and a horde of his henchmen – try to say that five times really fast – arrive on the scene to steal the evil skull from Kit. After a bit of witty banter between Drax, Diana, and Kit, the two skulls, perhaps feeling neglected, get together to smash a few windows and then burn a hole into a convenient map, presumably revealing the location of the third evil skull! Well, it's a good thing that map was there, otherwise those skulls could have been at it for much longer.

Drax, awed by the evil skulls' destructive lightshow, decides to kidnap Kit and Diana for no particular reason . . . OK, for one particular reason: he wants to know some things. In lieu of any exposition, they all just have a goofy tête-à-tête, with Sala revealing that Diana has a thing for the Phantom, much to Diana's chagrin. While Drax holds Diana as a bargaining chip, he sends fake Raiden and a couple of henchmen to eliminate Kit from the proceedings . . . permanently. Kit, unsurprisingly, escapes his bonds in a stairway and then he ducks into a machine closet to change into his uniform. While all of this is going on, Drax is elated because he's cheerfully going on a little expedition for the last skull! Yay!

After the now officially-clad Phantom dispatches a few henchmen, he preposterously uses his guns – he is, perhaps, the only superhero I know of that regularly carries a sidearm – to slide down an elevator cable in order to follow Drax on his little jaunt to a mysterious island. While Drax drives away from the scene in luxury, the Phantom hails a cab . . . but the police – thanks to Drax's association with their chief – flush him out of the hack and onto the roofs of the cars driving – slowly – down the boulevard. Finally, the Phantom, down to his last option, horsejacks a mounted police officer and he rides off after Drax . . . with two motorcycle patrolmen in tow. The Phantom, looking to lose his trailers, rides into the zoo and he hides out with a tiger. Later, the cabbie from earlier in the picture shows up to drive the Phantom over to the docks; along the way, the Phantom has another chat with his dead father . . . and he swears REVENGE against fake Raiden for murdering his father! Dum-dum-DUM!

Down at the docks, the Drax, Sala, fake Raiden, some henchmen, and Diana all board a – guess what! – seaplane and then, just before takeoff, the Phantom hitches a ride . . . on the outside of the plane. After an indeterminate amount of time – which probably should've been enough to kill the interloper hanging from the plane's pontoon the entire flight, regardless of whether he's a superhero or not – the evildoers land at a mysterious island. Just beforehand, the Phantom goes swimming and, unfortunately for him, his makeup runs a bit. Note to superheroes: waterproof makeup is the way to go.

On the island, Drax and his cronies, in a fit of Freudian pique, find a cave and, inside, the legendary pirates' hideout! After Sala, perhaps feeling for Diana – implied lesbianism is all the rage – rescues her fellow female from the clutches of a sleazy pirate, Drax has a chat with the leader of the pirate clan (Asian-for-hire Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa). The pirate leader, shockingly, outwits Drax – who is probably going to get voted off the island for this – and then he shoots a turncoat mobster with a cannon. Yup . . . a cannon. It's one of those things you just have to see. After a little more commiseration, the Phantom, tired of all the talking, swings in to fight! He's a man of action, not a man of words, that Phantom.

During the fight, Sala, unsurprisingly – since she's a woman and, hence, mercurial (don't blame me, blame the screenwriters) – switches sides and fights for the Phantom and Diana. Either that, or she's just looking for a little three-way action. After taking out a score of henchmen, the Phantom finally faces off against the pirate leader, who his ancestors had sworn REVENGE against long ago. Those Phantoms . . . they seemingly wrote the book on REVENGE. Anticlimactically, after a cursory swordfight, the Phantom foils the pirate leader by moving out of the way during a coup de grâce, allowing the pirate leader to fall into a moat and be eaten by sharks. Does that count as proper REVENGE, even though it's indirect? We might need a ruling on that.

Somehow, after the fighting subsides a bit, through a convoluted series of events, Drax ends up with the third skull. Meanwhile, the Phantom beats up fake Raiden after putting Diana and Sala safely inside a miniature submarine. Oh yeah . . . they're going to get it on. While the Phantom finally defeats fake Raiden and steals back his dad's belt, the evil skulls freak out and Drax accidentally nukes fake Raiden. OK . . . indirect REVENGE #2. I think the Phantom really needs a REVENGE referee to keep all of this straight. Anyway, after a bit of witty banter and some cheesy special effects, the Phantom evaporates Drax by deflecting the evil skulls' blast with his ring of REVENGE power. OK . . . enough friggin' revenge already!

After all that action, the pirate island blows up but the Phantom and the HOT CHICKS escape in time. Somehow, the Phantom and Diana end up back at the Phantom's hideout and he explains to her the legacy of the mantle of the Phantom – which is pretty worthless now that the pirates and the evil skulls have been thwarted – to Diana. She leaves to go back to New York but, moments after, the Phantom's dead father shows up to tell his son that he really likes her – ick – so the Phantom goes galloping after Diana. On the beach, they share a moment and, seemingly, get engaged . . . mainly because Diana figured out the Phantom's alter ego long ago. Wow . . . that's a first. How novel!

Honestly, I would love to know just whose idea it was to make a film about the Phantom. A relatively boring, obscure, and archaic superhero with an equally boring alter ego – although I can't say that Billy Zane's performance was bad . . . good acting can only go so far – makes a relatively boring film. There are way too many plotlines running concurrently for the first half, there's far too much REVENGE, the film goes into hyper-speed in the second half, and all of the bad guys are defeated very anticlimactically. Add that to all the usual superhero clichés – remember those? – and what you have is a reason why obscure superheroes probably shouldn't have had movies made about them and you definitely have a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as, well, I really don't know who the next obscure superhero is, but I'm sure he knows. He definitely knows. See you then!