Martha v. Donald, the Losers, world’s best Public Enemy joke, and why I am STILL hating on Michael Bay...
As you probably know by now, the wrestling world lost another ECW alum last week, when Johnny Grunge passed away. Of course, you know what this means…
Public Enemy Reunion Finally Complete!!!
I hope you and Rocco Rock put a few angels in the Drive-By. And since its Heaven, the ref is always knocked out, and the pre-cut tables break properly every time.
‘Bay' of Pigs – Feedback for Hating on Michael Bay
From James Dude, u didn't like Armageddon? Cumon, man! What else can u ask for a flick that was tailor made for a July 4 release? Answer, nothing! Although I do agree Michael Bay fantastically disappoints at every turn in the majority of his movies, Armageddon delivers exactly what it promises, an entertaining story. It is action packed, funny at parts (see Steve Buschemi), and something that made you proud to be existing on that day. Plus when the movie ends, and you hear, "I don't wanna miss a thing" by Aerosmith, it delivers a fantastic segway to the credits and actually ends the story with credits properly, which most movies don't. I also recall that movie making a ton of money. And this is just something I was refuting on my lunch hour, so feel free to correct me if I am wrong on any account. I am just tired of people like u, who lack either the talent or ambition to put yourself behind the camera, bashing things when you have little to no credentials. Did u even attend a film class, or go to college? Thanks. I have had a really shitty day and I look forward to hearing from you. Perhaps your infinite film wisdom will enlighten me. Doubt it.
OK James, for a while I thought you had a decent letter, then you devolved into personal attacks on me because I didn't like that piece of shit movie. And it was, indeed, a piece of shit. And that Aerosmith song, like every other Aerosmith song since teaming up with Run DMC, sucked, too.
Yes, it made a lot of money, but that doesn't mean it was good. It just means it made a lot of money.
You are probably one of those people that thinks if someone attacks a movie you like, that means they are attacking YOU. Not true – a lot of my favorite movies you probably hate – Hell, a lot of my favorite movies get hated on by my fellow 411 writers. But it's just a matter of taste. You liked that shitbag movie, and I laughed out loud at its audacious awfulness. To each his own.
And for the record – you don't know what my credentials are. You are attacking me because I didn't like your little movie. I however, will take the high road and not get into name calling – because I don't know you, just like you don't know me. Me getting out of line wouldn't make up for you getting out of line.
But anyway, I think your original point in there somewhere was "why do I bash Michael Bay?" which is itself a fair question. So I'll respond…
Imagine you are given the chance of a lifetime to direct a big budget movie. Imagine this movie becomes a smash hit, opening up so many doors for you… so you follow it up with ANOTHER smash hit, and another. (I'm not mentioning the quality of these films, just that they were financially successful). And then the bottom falls out and you make an expensive dud. "Pearl Harbor" But still, you are a famous director with his choice of any number of projects.
So what do you do? You produce a remake (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) and make a sequel (Bad Boys 2). Then you produce another remake (Amityville Horror), and follow that up with a movie that steals the plot from a Mystery Science Theater movie (The Island), perhaps hoping no one will notice. After that? You produce a prequel to a movie you remade (Texas Chainsaw – the Beginning), and put 2 more remakes in the works. (Friday the 13th and The Hitcher)
THAT is why I hate on Michael Bay. Not because I dislike most of his movies (which I do – "The Rock" was the only good thing he did) but because here is a guy with the money and the power and influence to make whatever he wants – and apparently all he wants to do is steal other peoples movies and make them again.
Regardless of whatever talent or ambition I have, how can anyone respect someone who has so much, and yet aims so fucking low? I don't hate ALL remakes, but if someone starts doing nothing BUT remakes it exposes them as being entirely uncreative.
Hope this clears it up for you, James.
Oh, and that Aerosmith song really does suck.
Funny Feud of the Week
From IMDB The Martha-Donald feud escalated Tuesday as Donald Trump fired off a blistering letter, accusing Martha Stewart of lying in her interview with Newsweek in which she claimed that NBC's original plan was to put Trump's version of The Apprentice on hiatus and replace it with hers. Stewart had told the magazine that the plan was for her to "fire" Trump in the first episode and take over as the sole host. "Essentially, you made this firing up just as you made up your sell order of ImClone," Trump wrote, referring to the case that sent Stewart to prison for lying to federal investigators. (Newsweek reported that Apprentice producer Mark Burnett confirmed that the scenario described by Stewart was indeed discussed. "Thank God that didn't happen," he added.) Trump's letter also criticized Stewart's performance and said her show "lacked mood, temperament and just about everything a show needs for success. I knew it would fail as soon as I first saw it. ... Between your daughter, with her one-word statements, your letter writing and, most importantly, your totally unconvincing demeanor, it never had a chance -- much as your daytime show is not exactly setting records." Late Tuesday, Stewart responded: "The letter is so mean-spirited and reckless that I almost can't believe my longtime friend Donald Trump wrote it. I am very proud of the work we did." Appearing later on CBC's The Big Idea with Donny Deutsch, Trump remarked, "Of course the letter was mean spirited, but I think what she did was mean spirited."
Big laughs. Fuck Martha Stewart! Of course your "friend" wrote it – you don't have any real friends, do you? I'd venture to say that Cruella DeVille had more folks on her speed dial than Martha. And of course, I am not speaking from personal knowledge. I do not pretend to know Martha Stewart – but I have seen her on tv a lot, and there is something about that woman that strikes me as cold, condescending, and devious.
The Pull List
A fond farewell to "The Losers," and an overdue Welcome Back for "The Hulk"
Death and Rebirth – the omega of one of the best monthly books on the market, and the re-emergence of a classic character.
RIP "The Losers" which came to its planned end of 32 issue run last week. It will be a hard book to replace – this title regularly featured the best action sequences EVER committed to the comic book medium – but on the other hand it told the story it had to tell, and now will retire gracefully instead of pushing onward to no good end.
In brief – The Losers are a squad of soldiers sent on a black-ops mission, and then betrayed by their handler and "killed in action." Only, they survived, and went to ground until they could set up a plan – to wage a war against the CIA and bring down all the corrupt motherfuckers who turned on them.
Clay – team leader.
Pooch – Pilot, driver, and life saver
Jensen – Tech geek extraordinaire… who will also shoot you in the face
Cougar – The sniper
And the wildcard – Aisha, a girl who started committing acts of terrorism against the invading Russian army when she was twelve, and who has been known to keep an ear collection.
The Losers put the ball into play, and uncover a conspiracy that goes much deeper than the CIA, and could ultimately lead to the destruction of the USA at the hands of a shadowy spook bastard named Max.
The entire run of "The Losers" is available in trade paperback form, divided up neatly into story arcs, and I recommend this brilliant comic most highly. From the first issue to the last page of issue #32, this book had me hooked.
And in the final issue, let me tell you – my favorite Loser dies, but the way he (or she) goes out is the most butch, tough, balls-out comic death I've seen in YEARS. I'm still reeling a week later.
Vaya con dios, "Losers"! Thanks for the ride.
But as one great comic dies, a formerly great comic is reborn.
You may or may not know this, but for a long time the Hulk was my favorite comic character. And I still love him, even if Marvel has knocked his dick in the dirt these last few years. Yes, Bruce Jones had an original take on the Hulk, but he ran out of gas pretty damned fast, and since then Hulkie has been passed around like a crappy White Elephant gift that no one really wants.
Until this month, with the beginning of "Planet Hulk" a long story arc that has all the potential to restore ole Green Genes to his former glory.
You see, a secret cabal of Marvel heroes (Reed Richards, Black Bolt, Dr. Strange, Namor, Iron Man, and Charles Xavier) decided that Hulk was just too dangerous to keep on Earth. So they blast him into deep space. Reed says they are sending him to a lush planet with no intelligent life – for the first time Hulk can "be left alone" like he always wanted.
Sounds nice, right? So they ditch the Hulk.
One problem – the planet Hulk lands on is ruled by an alien civilization similar to ancient Rome, with a brutal caste system and a reliance by the royalty to use public combat as a way to appease the masses.
Hulk is all grins, as you can imagine – because he now has a whole planet to smash.
It's a great first issue to the story, with lots of action, and a decent comic-book story to keep things chugging along. But let me tell you why I really, really am excited about this story – I think I know where it's going, and it could end up being the best Hulk story ever. This is just speculation, but I see it playing out like this…
Hulk spends the better part of the next year smashing this planet all to hell, and taking control of the civilization. After all, he is "strongest there is" so it's only logical he will eventually punch his way to the top. OK, so once Hulk rules a whole planet and its armies and technology, what do you think he'll do?
Invade Earth, motherfuckers.
That's right, I'm betting the Hulk will come back with a vengeance to lay waste to Earth. And the Hulk trying to take over the planet… THAT is a story I want to read. You heard it here first, people.
The Suck List for 2/15/06
1. The Winter Olympics – actually worse than regular NBC programming
2. Martha Stewart – just on general principles
3. The midget in my book club who's always stealing my ideas.
4. The Dubya – for that port deal that seems kind of shady
5. Michael Bay (for his "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake)
