The Super Duper Happy News Report 02.24.06
Posted by Ryan Latimer on 02.24.2006
I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
Happy Friday to all you poor saps actually reading this on a Friday night. I'm also assuming you didn't do much for Valentine's Day a few days ago. Losers, all a 'ya. Wanna know what I did? Worked until 8pm then crashed on my bed to an old WWE DVD. I tire when I work. Yeah, that's it.
Well, I might as well get this over with and come right out with it. The thing I have been avoiding for weeks and attempting to work around has finally caught up with me and bit me in my sore, sorry carcass. I gotta give up the weekly Report. There, I said it. Feel free to now box my ears, stick a fork in my eye, tar and feather me in a public square and swear me off forever. I deserve it. Go hog wild.
But I have to quit fooling myself. With my new life and schedule – new job, new living arrangements, new responsibilities - the weekly new column I started out loving has become a chore, something I've been having to do on Wednesday and Thursday nights, not want to do. My loyalty and respect to 411 and its readers not withstanding, it's unfair to half-cheek a weekly online news article to an audience of readers that are kind enough to give you the time and interest to visit you and hear what you have to say. It's been wearing on me for quite some time – I've no longer look forward to writing a column people look forward to. It's not fair, not to mention fun. Simply put, I'm drained. For the time being, at least.
I want to emphasize that I am not calling it quits on 411. This site has given me far too much to just walk away. I may be saying goodbye to the Super Duper Happy News Report, but the good folks behind the certain were kind enough to keep me on as a contributor. This means the haters will still have to put up with my occasional DVD reviews, film reviews, columns and features. You're not getting rid of me that easily, even when I quit. I think that makes sense. If it doesn't, what do I care – there won't be a Report next week.
So, even though I don't need to say it, to all the poor bastards that had nothing better to do on a Friday afternoon or evening, thank you. A thousand times. It's been more than fun. And again, it's not like you'll never see me again. I'll still be here stinking up other areas of 411, and my book is (for the love of God hopefully) coming out soon and will likely be advertised here, so no tears. Or parties, for that matter. I'm not very good at rejection.
Anyway…
I wish I had something new to report here for the opener. I really do. But if I said I did it would be a big, fat lie, Whopper-sized. The brick wall that is my life has nothing new to report. Not having very much time or energy to watch new movies in the theatre or even rent anything is bad enough - this was so much easier when I was unemoployed or recovering - I barely have enough brain juice to flex my social muscles on the weekend. Oddly, this has nothing to do with the book, which is in its final stage and now in the full responsibility of my agent.
Nope, this is the sole fault of my new job, a job I thought was going to act as my holy savior from the Job From Boredom Hell prior but has now become not only a money pit, I also suck at it and have had more fun making imitation french fries at the zoo when I was 16. Did I mention I have a Bachelor's Degree in Journalism, made the Dean's List on my final year and have 3x the experience of most 23-year-olds? I don't think I did. I'm starting to wonder if I should have voted for Kerr...sorry, had to smack myself there. But seriously, pity me.
But such is a stage in life -- not knowing where it is you fit in the world and getting increasingly frustrated by the day with every bad move you make. I'll stop now before this opener becomes anymore of a bitch-fest pity party. My point is that I have virtually nothing to write about film related this week and am simply filling space, hoping I can keep this up for as long as possible before it becomes a self-parody or I shoot myself. "Insanity," that's the word.
Boo, hiss. Let's go, and considering the circumstances, it better be a goodie…
Headlines
"People Are Morons. That's It"
Disgruntled James Bond fans have set up a website campaigning for new 007 Daniel Craig to be stripped of the iconic movie role. Craig was announced as the successor to Pierce Brosnan's superspy last October and shooting began on new film Casino Royale last month. But die-hard fans of the franchise still hope to oust the British actor and replace him with a more worthy Bond - by urging cinema-goers to boycott the film when it is released. A statement on craignotbond.com reads, "Eon Productions angered fans around the world when they fired Pierce Brosnan at the height of his popularity as Bond. To add insult to injury, Eon cast a short, blond, odd-looking Daniel Craig in the role of Bond. Craig, described by The New York Times as having a 'pale, flattened face and large, fleshy ears' is a terrible choice for Bond. If Eon Productions and Sony Pictures will not accept they've made a big mistake, then Bond fans promise to boycott Casino Royale!" IMDB
Who knew so many people are that passionate about this franchise. Funny, I'm a huge Bruce Campbell deadite – I don't recall ever once putting in that much effort, passion or wasted time to devote to websites and an attempted coo in order to avoid a remake of "Evil Dead." I mean, yeah, I'm a bit skeptical on the issue, but I have more important things to do. Like dust my closet ceiling or pick the kitty litter from my cat's butt. Has that ever happened to anyone else?
I may not be a diehard 007 follower, my email address notwithstanding (it was the first number I thought of when registering) but may I call this whole thing just a little f'n retarded? I also may not be aware of Mr. Craig's credentials, acting ability or apparent freak elf ears, but I do remember Pierce Bronsnan not exactly being Bruce Willis when it came to popularity prior to his casting, not to mention Hollywood perfect in every way (who is?). And by the way, "the height of his popularity for the role of Bond?" By my count Bronsnan has done 4 Bond films and is nearly a senior citizen. And was he actually fired as they say he was? Remember that whole was-he-fired-or-did-he-quit news blurbs? I'm asking.
Point of rant, two actually: 1) Give the poor, ugly, Gap ad reject a chance before you curse his soul and flee to the Church of Pierce. 2) You're cat and closet need attention.
"Ebert Slams New ‘Bibleman' Video: ‘Characters Not Believable'"
A Duke University study has concluded that many movie critics, faced with a huge number of films that that they are required to watch, often avoid writing reviews of the bad films they've seen while others avoid writing reviews of good films if other critics have already given them "thumbs up" notices. "Our model demonstrates that the fact that an expert is silent about a product may imply a positive or a negative review, depending on the expert," the study said. The study appraised the work of 46 critics and what they had to say -- or didn't have to say -- about 466 movies. One of the researchers, Peter Boatwright, said later that he and his colleagues did not take into account the fact that many critics mentioned in their study have little say about the selection process, since they are assigned movies to review by their editors, and that in the case of many major newspapers, a lead critic is expected to review the films that attract the greatest pre-release publicity. IMDB
So a film critic not reviewing a new movie is an indication of two possibilities: he or she did or not did like it. Insightful. I know my life still isn't complete without Rex Reed and Richard Roeper's educated opinions on "Doom" or "Freddy vs. Jason." Because we all know all movies in the world were made to compete at the Oscars. Screw fun.
I've always wondered why the mainstream critics (or ANY critic for that matter) review some of the movies they do when their opinions has less than a fraction of an iota of influence to the masses it was marketed to. They cry fowl when New Line refuses to screen the ultimate showdown of the horror icons to a bunch of snobby Pulitzer winners who could care less who Kane Hodder or Robert England is and just wonder if Tom Hanks will make a cameo. Then when "bad" movies do get screened they avoid the review entirely because it insulted their intelligence, or better yet do the review to the five people that care what the viewing experience of "Curious George" feels like through the eyes of a middle-aged man.
To every critic in America, internet or otherwise, PAID or otherwise, when the film adaptation of "Fraggle Rock" comes out, remember that kindergarten's don't know how to log onto AOL.
"Horror Icon Trades in Machete for Rocket Launcher"
Jason is coming back. Michael Bay and his Platinum Dunes are gearing up to remake "Friday the 13th" for New Line Cinema. The "Friday the 13th" series began in 1980, with Sean S. Cunningham directing the first feature, released by Paramount Pictures. After eight films the slasher series, featuring the masked killer Jason Voorhees, moved to New Line, which revived the franchise with "Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday" in 1993. New Line's most recent installment, "Freddy vs. Jason," in which Voorhees faced off against Freddy Krueger from the "Nightmare on Elm Street" series, was released in 2003, grossing more than $82 million domestically. HOLLYWOOD REPORTER
Um, wow. I'm not sure whether to be disgusted, excited or, well, a little of both. Anyone who knows me knows I'll watch "Friday the 13th" movies until the quasi-holiday gets wiped from calendars worldwide and banned by the government, but Michael Bay? A remake? My brain is a bow tie.
Odd how this came about, too. I've defended Michael Bay left and right since the day I signed onto 411. When he's on, the guy can deliver. "The Rock" is one of my favorite action movies of all time. "The Island" wasn't half bad at all. When he's off, he's not just off, he's unplugged. I'm still trying to wipe the tears of "Bad Boy II" and "Pearl Harbor" from my eyes. It all depends on which Michael Bay wakes up in the morning.
And even if the right one does wake up, this is the most coveted and insanely popular horror franchises in history. Horror franchises. I know Bay has produced a few remakes as of late – will he sit behind the camera on this one? If so, is that a good or bad thing? This is like Oliver Stone doing a romantic comedy. Oil and water. Not really sure what to think.
All we can do is wait. Cue that scary "Jason is stalking your dead @$$" music.
"Online Columnist Refuses to Turn 24"
Attention oddball filmmakers: Howard Stern wants your short films. The Howard Stern Film Festival is calling for five-minute short films that reflect "all things Howard." A winner will be chosen at an awards show April 27 in Manhattan and aired on Howard TV On Demand the next day; $25,000 in prize money will be awarded to the top three filmmakers. For more information, visit www.howard.tv. HOLLYWOOD REPORTER
Howard Stern has a film festival. So many jokes, so little time and line space. Let's just go with this one: DON'T order the buttery topping on the popcorn. The worst part? April 27th is my birthday. If you really hate me, you'll buy me tickets to this thing.
And people say this guy is conceded.
Yeah, I know I usually do five Headlines. Trust me, it's a slooooow news week. I was going to put in one regarding a "Brokeback Mountain" clothing prop being sold for $100,000 on eBay, but then I smacked myself. I'm starting to wonder if they are ever going to shut the f*** up about that film.
The (Last) Week in Box Office
1. Eight Below (2006)
$25M $25M
2. Date Movie (2006)
$21.8M $21.8M
3. The Pink Panther (2006)
$20.9M $46.5M
4. Curious George (2006)
$15.4M $33.5M
5. Final Destination 3 (2006)
$11.5M $37.3M
And hey say miracles can't happen. So "Panther," despite a 4-month delay and reshoots, reigns supreme over the marketable thriller/horror flick and the Children's Movie of the Month on its opening weekend then makes 20 more mill the following week. Color me a bit befuddled, I joke not. But on the other hand, I don't care if "Eight Below" and "Date Movie" were the only new movies last weekend, THAT is even more befuddling. That's a new word for me, by the way. Just trying it on.
I was tempted to catch "Panther" just for kicks and to see if they improved upon it at all from the delays. It's not unheard of – some mediocre-to-pretty dang good movies started out as reported stinkers and went back to school to up the grades. But I then realized that there are at least half a dozen movies I've actually looked forward to that I left behind in the past two months and I'm pressed for personal time as is. Steve Martin can wait. We ended up going to our local comedy club for the weekend. I haven't seen "Panther" yet, but I'm still willing to bet my bank account that The Stagebenders was the better deal. If these guys ever come to your neck of the woods, GO.
"Final Destination 3" is supposedly worth a few bucks to see a few idiot teenagers kick the bucket in completely asinine and impossible ways. I think Roger Ebert said it best in his weekly TV show. These kinds of films are no longer about who will die, but HOW everyone but one will die to leave room for yet another sequel if the box office permits it. Yeah, you've spent disposable income in worse ways. "Curious George" is only for kiddies. No exceptions. Not acceptable in this age of movies like "The Incredibles" and "Wallace & Gromit," clean family films everyone can enjoy. But whatever.
Smash it or Trash It
Opening today:
- Ultraviolet
- Running Scared
"My name is Violet. It used to be Alice. The new ‘Resident Evil' script was rejected and turned into a C-movie action/sci-fi flick with vampires instead of zombies. And I remember everything. I wish I couldn't remember ‘Nemesis.' If you could, try to forget it too. Drill a hole in your head if you have to. It's worth it. Ever seen ‘Pi?'Anyway, you can either see my new film this weekend or the new We-swear-Paul-Walker-is-really-a-hard@$$ crime drama ‘Running Scared.' He plays a mob flunkie who disposes of weapons from mob killings. I think they might be trying too hard there, I could be wrong. Although in the previews it looks like he is getting wacked in the melon with a hockey puck. Yeah, that looks like it hurts and all, but these are mob-type people are dealing with, here. That's probably just going to leave a welt. The world of organized crime sure has changed since I saw ‘Goodfellas.' I tell ya, Jimmy Conway and Tommy DeVito wouldn't put up with that happy horsh***. A hockey puck to the face is foreplay with their wives on a Sunday night. If they ever got ahold of Paul Walker, he would wish he was back on the set of ‘Fast and the Furious' getting jail baited by Vin Diesel. But anyway, my name is Violent…"
I hear that initial preview was tossed out the studio execs. I can't imagine why.
Say What?
This little portion of the column is a movie quote/trivia contest for the readers. The first three people to email me with the correct answer get to be important with me by having their names and locations posted. Be a winner. Be important.
Last week's quote winner (Answer: "Bring It On")
- Paul Fleuret, Moosejaw Saskatchawan
- Eric Gant, Las Vegas, NV
- Francis Bognar, Ottawa, Canada
- Alan Barker
Outie
Well that, as they say, is that. Concerning my status on 411 in general, I assure everyone you will all see me again very soon in some capacity. I may be stepping down a rung on the ladder, I'm still having too much fun painting to step off completely.
Concerning the Super Duper Happy News Report, for the time being, don't bother turning off the light. I'll get it…
