Warped News 03.02.06: The “New Edition” Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 03.02.2006
Exercising several First Amendment rights…while exercising my 18th Amendment right as well.
Hey y'all. I'm trying something new in my columns this week…full picture support. I thought that this touch would bring an air of legitimacy that was lacking in my otherwise solid news column. In other words, I needed something to poke tiny jokes at myself and my stories, and this was the best I could come up with. Thanks to Steve Vicious for inspiring this idea.
I would also like to take this moment to pimp my new regular (actually old regular) radio show, The Warp Zone. Yes, this is where the name for this news column came from. And yes, you can listen to me every other week. The Warp Zone used to be a weekly radio show broadcasted out of Wichita, but was dropped because station management were a bunch of losers. We're podcasting the show now, so you can download it for free and get my takes on the latest Sci-Fi news. It's hosted by my brother, and former co-host of the show, Patrick Murphy, as well as the host of the former show Brian Patrick.
But enough with radio zaniness and format changes. It's time to get to the very thing you clicked on the link to see…the very thing that could change your life if you only just open your mind…the very thing that could, quite possibly, bring order to the universe. It's the dazzling, illusionary and mammilary titillation that I like to call…
All the News, New and Improved
The R.I.P Trifecta
I'd like to give my condolences to the friends and family of three television stars, who met their end this week.
Don Knotts, who played the legendary Barney Fife on "The Andy Griffith Show", died of pulmonary and respiratory complications at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills. He was 81. Knotts won an unprecedented five Best Supporting Actor Emmys in a row as the bumbling Barney Fife, and also appeared in several films including The Incredible Mr. Limpet, The Reluctant Astronaut, The Ghost and Mr. Chicken and The Apple Dumpling Gang.
Next, Dennis Weaver, who played slow-witted deputy Chester Goode in the classic TV western "Gunsmoke" and a cowboy cop in "McCloud", died last Friday at the age of 81 from complications from cancer. Weaver appeared on "Gunsmoke" for nine seasons and won one Emmy award. The actor is also well known for playing Sam McCloud, the no-nonsense lawman from New Mexico who battled crime on the streets of New York City. McCloud used wild-west tactics, such as riding his horse through the streets of Manhattan, to solve crimes. Weaver served as the president of the Screen Actors Guild from 1973-1975 and was also an activist for protecting the environment and combating world hunger.
Finally, Darren McGavin died Saturday in Los Angeles of natural causes at the age of 83. McGavin was best known as Kolchak in the cult TV series, "The Night Stalker." McGavin also starred in television's first regular series, "Crime Photographer" in 1951, and made several appearances on television shows ranging from "Mission: Impossible" to "Murphy Brown." His best-known film role was as the father in the holiday favorite, A Christmas Story.
All will be missed.
The Disney Stock Watch™ - The Holy Sh*t Edition!
Usually this is where I give you news that you're stock investment in Disney was a horrible idea. However, now I'm telling you to buy Disney stock. Hoard it if you must. Those stocks just might skyrocket. And it's all because of Barron's magazine.
Barron's on Saturday said it's possible that Apple could make a bid to buyout Disney after CEO Steve Jobs becomes its largest shareholder. Yeah, that's right. Disney could very well get bought out!
Jobs, who is the CEO of Pixar as well as Apple, will own 7% of Disney after that firm's agreement to acquire the maker computer animation studio. "I think he has an open option," Barron's quoted analyst Christopher Whalen, a New York-based managing director of Institutional Risk Analytics. "Disney is badly undervalued right now. Jobs might get an opportunity to take it out."
Whalen argues that Jobs' unique familiarity with both the content and technolgy sides of Hollywood make the case for a bid more compelling. "The markets and Disney shareholders would welcome a merger led by their apparent savior, Steve Jobs," Whalen concluded. However, several other financial analysts quickly dismissed the weekend report in Barron's. In an interview with the San Francisco Chronicle, Ivan Feinseth, managing director of investment consultants Matrix USA, said that a merger "would be so detrimental to both businesses." He argued that if Steve Jobs had his eye on buying Disney, he wouldn't have sold Pixar Animation to Disney and made Disney a more expensive company to buy. Tim Bajarin, president of Creative Strategies, another investment consulting company specializing in technology, told the Chronicle, "I don't believe for a second that Jobs wants to be a media mogul as much as he is a technology visionary. ... I find that idea out in left field."
It's not a bad idea at all. Jobs is already a media mogul because Pixar is one of the most successful production facilities in the world. Secondly, Jobs probably didn't have the notion of buying Disney until after he knew just how much stock he'd own. It's not like he went in the deal knowing he was going to buy Disney afterwards. But, if this open door was presented to him after he made the deal, I'm sure he wouldn't pass up the opportunity. And finally, Apple could gain so much by acquiring Disney, that it would make it worth the risk.
I know that Apple and iTunes has been offering ABC (owned by Disney) shows for download this season. And with the voracious demand for downloadable TV shows, there's big money to be made. I also know that Apple wants to make the next generation of iPods with a larger screen, much like the PSP, and they want to start offering full-length films when they do. By acquiring Disney, they have a multitude of films to offer. Unlike the AOL/TimeWarner merger, Apple and Disney have a lot to offer each other. This would be a very shrewd business move.
In other very positive Disney news, the Pixar team of Ed Catmull and John Lasseter, who will be taking over feature animation production at the Walt Disney studios, is apparently wasting no time attempting to restore energy and morale there. According to Studio Briefing, word spread on websites devoted to animation this week that Catmull and Lasseter plan to bring back to the studio some of the animation talent who were let go or who resigned in the wake of Disney's decision to abandon hand-drawn animation and focus on computer-generated animation instead.
The two reportedly have specifically singled out the veteran writer/director/producer team of John Musker and Ron Clements as ranking high on their list of persons they wished to rehire. On Tuesday, it was announced that Disney had signed composer Alan Menken, who wrote the score and original songs for The Little Mermaid, to a multipicture deal and had assigned him to write five songs for the upcoming live-action/hand-drawn animated film Enchanted.
On Tuesday, the website o-meon.com quoted a Disney animation staffer as saying, "We're just so damn happy all of this is happening. ... We just can't believe that everything we've been trying to tell [Disney management] for years if finally coming true. We finally have a chief executive in Bob Iger who understands what creativity means to the company!" Don't give Iger the credit. This comes from Lassiter and Catmull and everyone else at Pixar. Their work stemmed from hand-drawn animation, and they don't want to let it die. I'm glad to hear that Disney is going back to hand-drawn films again…unless Jobs, Lassiter and Catmull can't convince Iger.
If you got Disney stock, keep it. Buy some more. There's nothing but green skies ahead…unless you object to owning a bunch of Apple stock instead.
Beware The Cruise…ok, maybe not.
According to the Associated Press, director Jason Reitman says a projection error - not Tom Cruise - was responsible for a missing Katie Holmes' sex scene during a screening of her upcoming movie, Thank You for Smoking, at the Sundance Film Festival.
"I was sitting there in the theater, the scene was missing, and my immediate thought was, `Oh my God, Fox cut the scene out of my movie,'" Reitman told AP Radio in an interview. "And then I realized, `No, if it's at the end of the reel, the projector probably just accidentally cut it out.'"
Some blamed Cruise, Holmes' fiance, speculating that he had pressured Reitman, son of Ghostbusters director Ivan Reitman, to remove the scene. "That's a fun story. I'd read that story. The problem is that it's not true," Reitman said. "The problem with `projection error' is that it's the truth but it sounds like a lie. It sounds an awful lot like `wardrobe malfunction.'"
Aaron Eckhart stars with Holmes, Maria Bello, William H. Macy and Sam Elliott in "Thank You for Smoking," adapted from Christopher Buckley's satiric novel about a tobacco-industry spin doctor. Reitman said more people probably know about his movie because the scene went missing. "The most likely reason that they would have heard of it is because of the sex scene," he said.
That's true enough. With TomKat (God fogive me for even putting that in this report) generating more press than a Presidential assassination, this "projector malfunction" is only going to help promote your movie. Thousands of horny men went to see The Gift (I not being one of them) to see Katie's naked bosoms. Now, these same people know that she has a sex scene? Bring the raincoats! Oh yeah. She's pregnant. That's kinda disgusting.
Tapping unhidden talent…
Yet even more news is coming out of the illegal wiretapping case that will rock Hollywood more than anything can imagine. For those of you new to this column, I've been informing my dear readers that private investigator to the stars, Anthony Pellicano, has been indicted of several counts of illegal wiretapping and bribing cops for access to national criminal databases.
The New York Daily News reports that Hollywood powerbroker, and lawyer to the stars, Bert Fields, is seeking help from an unlikely source, now that the fear-inducing lawyer suddenly finds himself, according to published reports, in the crosshairs of the Pellicano investigation. A source tells Daily News columnist Lloyd Grove (yes, he's a gossip columnist) that former Pellicano associate Paul Barresi has been talking to Fields' defense lawyer John Keker about the mysterious private eye's penchant for keeping important info — like the existence of illegal wiretaps — from his celebrity clients and their attorneys.
Thus, Barresi argues, Pellicano client Tom Cruise would never have known if the P.I. was tapping the phone of then-wife Nicole Kidman — and the same goes for Cruise lawyer Fields. But that brings the question, why was Cruise using Pellicano in the first place? Are there illegal wire taps of Nicole Kidman, and if so, why was anyone (especially Cruise) investigating her using Pellicano? See! These are the juicy little items that will pop up during this investigation that will help sink a few celebrities' and studio execs' careers.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Annoying Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker star as onscreen sweethearts in Failure To Launch, but according to WENN, the actor reportedly couldn't stand Parker off-screen and found her "peculiar." Sources on the set say filming was anything but fun. One insider tells MSNBC's The Scoop website, "Matthew gets along with pretty much everyone, but he basically couldn't bear Sarah."
McConaughey recently made an appearance on Oprah Winfrey's talk show and seemed to struggle when asked by Winfrey to sum-up working with Parker. The bongo playing cheeba monkey eventually came up with, "Great comedic timing." The actor then added, "Very peculiar, too. Man, she's a very interesting woman. Yeah."
To the very "peculiar" actress, a long-overdue photo tribute:
I'd rather see Paris "perform"…
According to a gossip column in the New York Daily News, a soon-to-be-published book claims there is a sex tape with Jane Fonda and her then-husband Ted Turner, in a threesome. "Prisoner of X," Allan MacDonell's account of his experiences as an editor at Hustler magazine, describes a purported video in which Fonda, Turner and an unidentified brunette have sex on camera.
Fonda is allegedly wearing artificial equipment to pleasure the alleged Turner while he services the brunette and asks the camera operator, "Are you getting this?" The racy content was corroborated by two former Hustler colleagues who say they screened the tape…former editor Mike McPadden and another ex-editor who asked for anonymity.
Both Fonda and Turner were traveling and "unavailable for comment," said their respective spokespeople.
You know what? Let's just pretend that this never came up. Ok?
Ah, the sh*t we make up to get attention on the internet…
According to a Reuters report, the winner for Hollywood's word of the year is "Brokeback." Yes, there's someone out there actually monitoring these types of things. And this group is called the Global Language Monitor. This group, who's place must rank somewhere below Federation Starship organizations, placed "Brokeback" at the top of its list of Hollywood words and phrases that captured attention this year.
Paul JJ Payack, the head of Global Language Monitor, said the movie became a cultural phenomenon that generated a million jokes, according to Google. Overall, a Google search shows more than 38 million references to the film, although only about 10 million people saw the movie. Second place was "Brangelina," the hybrid name given to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie as Hollywood's hottest new couple. They beat out "TomKat," (oh God, twice in one column!) and "Vincifer," a hardly used term referring to Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Hardly used is right! I've never even heard of the term.
Placing third on the list was "petronoia," a phrase inspired by the film Syriana and meaning an irrational fear of the collapse of the oil industry followed by global economic crisis. And fourth place was "tuxedo," a reference to the nature film "March of the Penguins." Payack said, that "while the dialogue, not to mention the stars, were a bit stiff, the chronicle about Emperor penguins in their breeding trek across Antarctica flew to remarkable heights." Cris Murphy said, "I think Payack needs to get a life, because using ‘tuxedo' like this is tremendous stretch."
Payack said the term "pimping" was fifth on his list, thanks to the film "Hustle & Flow," which is about a pimp's dream of becoming a rap star…or what most internet writers use to link other columns and websites. It's a very common term here at 411mania. In fact, if you're ever wondering why the links sections is called "From Pimpstick to Pulpit", it's because that is the name of a very famous book written by former pimp Bishop Don "Magic" Juan about the life of a pimp and the pimp game (aka pimpin').
You know what the saddest part of all of this? I'm giving this turkey free publicity. If this wasn't such a slow news week…you know…with rumors of a Disney buyout and three TV legends dying and all.
It's always good to credit your sources…
"DaVinci Code" author Dan Brown has appeared in court accused of stealing the blockbuster's plot from a history book published in the 1980s. According to Sky News, Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh are suing their own publishers, Random House, claiming the novel lifts from their 1982 book, "The Holy Blood and the Holy Grail."
The non-fiction work deals with theories that Jesus and Mary Magdalene married, had a child, the blood line continues to this day, and the Catholic Church is trying to suppress the discovery. It is similar to the theme explored in the Dan Brown novel which won best book at last year's British Book Awards and has sold over 40 million copies worldwide.
If the two writers are successful and opt to take injunctions stopping use of their material, it could threaten the British release of the film adaptation of the novel, starring Tom Hanks and Sir Ian McKellen, which is scheduled to open on May 19th. The case, expected to last up to two weeks at the High Court, is also likely to clarify existing copyright laws over the extent to which an author can use other people's research.
This could be an interesting development. I highly doubt the courts will grant any type of injunction. Taking fictional liberties with factual research is done a lot. It's finding a story inside the numbers and the facts. If this suit is successful, Oliver Stone is going to be sweating a lot.
When in doubt, Americans are stupid…
And no, this has nothing to do with George Bush. The BBC reports that Americans know more about "The Simpsons" than the US Constitution's First Amendment. In an opinion poll conducted by the McCormick Tribune Freedom Museum, a museum dedicated to the First Amendment, found that only one in four could name more than one of the five freedoms it upholds but more than half could name at least two members of the Simpson family.
I know you thinking about this right now. What are all 5 rights protected by the First Amendment? Right now, you can only think of 2 or 3. Shame on you. Take a civics course soon.
According to the poll, about one in five thought the right to own a pet was one of the freedoms. The poll, which surveyed 1,000 random adults with an error margin of 3%, found that just 1 in a 1000 could name all 5 First Amendment rights, but 22% of Americans could name all five Simpson characters. The names of "American Idol" judges and popular advertising slogans also proved more memorable.
For you edification, the 5 rights protected by the First Amendment are: Freedom of speech, religion, press, assembly and the petition for redress of grievances. The five Simpson family members are: Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. No, I didn't have to look any of this up. By the way, you should always cherish your 18th Amendment right. It's the amendment that overturned Prohibition. Yes, Americans have a lock-solid right to drink heavily. And Europeans call us prudes!
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner: DAMON WAYANS.
Wired magazine reports that Wayans has been engaged in a 14-month fight to trademark the term "Nigga" for a clothing line and retail store, a search of the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office's online database reveals. Wayans wants to dress customers in 14 kinds of attire from tops to bottoms, and use the controversial mark on "clothing, books, music and general merchandise," as well as movies, TV and the internet, according to his applications.
But, so far, his applications have been unsuccessful. Trademark examiner Kelly Boulton rejected the registration dated Dec. 22, citing a law that prohibits marks that are "immoral or scandalous." A previous attempt by Wayans was turned down on identical grounds six months earlier.
"While debate exists about in-group uses of the term, 'nigga' is almost universally understood to be derogatory," Boulton wrote to Wayans' attorney, William H. Cox, according to the application.
Cox and other representatives of the actor did not respond to interview requests about the registration. Wayans can appeal the rejection, but experts in trademark law differ on his chances for success. Lynda Zadra-Symes, a trademark lawyer in California, said Wayans may be successful. She compared "Nigga" to the successful registration of Dykes on Bikes. The San Francisco Women's Motorcycle Contingent fought the Trademark Office for three years to overturn an initial rejection of a Dykes on Bikes trademark. The mark was published Jan. 24th. "Because the application was by a group of lesbians it was eventually allowed to publish," Zadra-Symes said.
However, Tawnya Wojciechowski, another trademark attorney practicing in California, compared Wayans' application to the ongoing legal case where Washington Redskins trademarks have been challenged by seven Native Americans. "They're going to have a really tough time," Wojciechowski predicted.
Nothing like a good, positive story to end Black History Month. For giving the KKK a new line of clothing to wear besides bed sheets, Mr. Wayans is the:
Craftsman 3/8 x 4-1/2 in. Center Punch
Sears item #00942861000 Mfr. model #42861
Makes starting points for drill holes. Features 3/8 in. point, 4-1/2 inches long.
He's the spider in black… I know just about everyone on this site has already reported it, but it's cool enough that I'll chip in my little two cents as well. Sony Pictures has released the first teaser poster for the Spider-Man 3 film.
According to Sony, this is a color photograph, and not a black & white one. Which means Spidey will be sporting a new black (aka symbiote, aka Venom) costume. The movie will center on the emergence of yet another villain, the Sandman (played by Thomas Hayden Church), and will also introduce two new Spidey characters, Gwen Stacey (played by Bryce Dallas Howard) and Eddie Brock (the soon-to-be-Venom, played by Topher Grace).
Now, I'm really tingling. If they just introduce the symbiote costume and have it graph onto Brock at the end…setting up Spider-Man 4: Spidey vs. Venom, I'll be a very happy camper.
The future is here…and it's called Hi-Def Pay-Per-View.
Twentieth Century Fox is willing to make its movies available in high definition over cable and satellite within 60 days after they are released in theaters for $25-$30 per view, News Corp President and CEO Peter Chernin told a Bear Stearns media conference in Palm Beach, FL Tuesday.
When asked about such a seemingly stiff price, Chernin observed that some 1 million Americans purchased home theater systems worth $25,000 each last year and that such users would be "desperate" for high-definition fare. (He did not cite a source for that figure.)
High definition television is the next big thing. People are already hopping on this bandwagon, and before long, it'll be the standard. That means that the demand is already out there, and people are begging for more hi-def programming to enjoy on their really expensive TV. Hell, most people don't even know if they HAVE hi-def programming. They just assume that since they have the TV, they have hi-def. They don't. You need high definition programming from your cable or satellite provider (which means you need a special cable or satellite box from your provider). If 20th Century Fox can make some good money on this, you can be sure that other studios will follow their footstep immediately.
On the next episode of "Being Brandon Tartikoff"…
Here's where I profile really dumb decisions made by TV executives, primarily at the Fox Network, which prove to the world that any jackass that has two eyes and can slam his/her head into a wall repeatedly can be a TV network executive. I'm frankly shocked that no one has done a reality TV show on this. Then again, the executives who pick these types of shows would never air how pathetically easy their jobs are.
According to a Reuters reports, a breakthrough (if you want to call it that) in television advertising debuted without fanfare last spring as a brand-name box of crackers appeared on the CBS sitcom ''Yes, Dear" for about 20 seconds, seen but hardly noticed by millions of viewers.
Unbeknownst to them, the image of Kellogg's Club Crackers, "yellow and delicious" *product placement*, had been digitally painted onto the top of a coffee table after the scene was filmed, launching the latest advance in a marketing practice known in the industry as product placement but derided by critics as ''stealth advertising."
Executives at CBS, "Great family television" *product placement*, have used the technology to plug brands such as StarKist Tuna and Chevrolet on several other shows, including ''CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" and new sitcom ''How I Met Your Mother." David Brenner, founder and president of Marathon, said his company expects to unveil a new pact soon with the Fox network.
Blending brand names and products into television shows, as opposed to traditional ads that run during commercial breaks, has gained greater currency in recent years as the industry faces the rising popularity of TiVo ("we make TV enjoyable" *product placement*) and other devices that let viewers skip commercials. But some industry experts suggest that product placement -- digital or otherwise -- has limited value in delivering a message.
The key component in the DBI system is a process for cataloging each frame of video in a TV episode to build a list of precise scenes and positions offering advertisers the best natural fit for their products. The idea is for digitally inserted images to be visible but not overly conspicuous.
''Although we want the product to be noticed, we don't ever want it to intrude on the creative process or the creative dynamic of the show," Brenner said. ''Simply placing a can of something, or a box of Wheaties, the Breakfast of Champions *product placement*, on a table in the background . . . I'm not sure if that builds brand preference or brand loyalty, or if consumers, quite honestly, realize it's there," said David Cohen, interactive media director at advertising agency Universal McCann. Conversely, Cohen said, ''The moment it starts reeking of overt product placement . . . is when it starts losing its effectiveness and its appeal."
Nielsen Media Research ("We cancelled ‘Buffy'!" *product placement*) said network product placements in prime time last year numbered 108,261, up more than 30 percent from 2004. The trend has been most pronounced on reality series such as NBC's ''The Apprentice."
I'll go on record as saying that this is a very bad idea. It's bad enough that we, as a society, are already swamped with advertising. We can scratch our balls without hearing an ad for Tinactin *product placement*. What network execs and advertisers need to understand is that most of the general populace need a break from advertising, not more shoved down our throats. Any network who can develop that concept will win huge audiences for their shows.
Ok! You won't get naked. We know it. Sheesh!
According to the SmokingGun.com, Jessica Alba, who appears in a bikini on the cover of Playboy's March issue, is threatening to sue the magazine, claiming that Hugh Hefner & Co. are trying to make it seem that she appears in a "nude or semi-nude pictorial." Yeah, like that's going to hurt your career. You'll only be offered mega-buck movie deals from here on out. Worked for Sharon Stone…albeit showing some cooch in Basic Instinct. But it launched her into the stratosphere.
In a February 23 legal threat letter, Alba's lawyer demands that Playboy cease distributing the magazine and provide the 25-year-old actress with a "monetary settlement" for its unauthorized use of her image for commercial purposes. According to Brian Wolf, Alba's counsel, the venerable men's magazine has caused the young star "immeasurable harm" by placing her on its cover (Alba appears next to a cover line billboarding a story on the 25 sexiest celebrities).
Wolf charges that Playboy initially offered to pay Alba to appear on the cover, but that they were flatly turned down. The magazine, he added, then resorted to a ruse to obtain a promotional photo of a bikini-clad Alba from Columbia Pictures. That sultry image, from the film "Into the Blue," appears on Playboy's cover. Along with the legal letter from Wolf, a partner at the Los Angeles firm Lavely & Singer, Playboy also received a February 24 letter from a Columbia executive expressing the studio's dismay over the "outrageous, unethical behavior utilized by Playboy personnel to obtain" the Alba promotional photograph. While reserving its legal rights, the studio is demanding an apology for both it and Alba.
Someone is getting a little too big for her britches? Playboy wants to crown you the sexiest celebrity in the world, and you worry that you won't get anything but stripper roles. I think playing a stripper in Sin City and wearing a bikini throughout Into the Blue already solidified that. Guess this is the perfect segue into yet another…
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Angry Geek Edition
The New York Daily News reports that organizers of the inaugural New York ComicCon were cast as villains when they had to turn away hundreds of ticket-holders because of dangerous overcrowding. After 10,000 people crammed into the Javits Center, fire marshals ordered the event managers to stop registering guests - even those who had already paid their $25.
Comics fans were infuriated by the snafu and showered the convention bosses with the kind of vitriol usually reserved for Lex Luthor. Roger Bilheimer, a spokesman for the Comic-Con, said organizers expected only 15,000 fans to show up over three days and were caught off guard by yesterday's mob scene.
The highlight of the convention was a special appearance by Milla Jovovich, the star of Ultraviolet, a meet-and-greet with wresting star Kane. Yeah, Kane…er…Milla will pack the house with geeks in an instant. She's like the next generation of Ripley from the Alien films…only much hotter and likes to get naked.
So, here's a photo tribute to the one person who delivers the geeks in droves:
Ha! Ha! Made you look!
From Pimpstick To Pulpit
Want to win the 3rd season of "3rd Rock From the Sun"? Click here and find out how you can. Another great 411Maina contest!
David Hardy shows us why Paris Hilton is so f**king deluded and graces us with more pithy haikus in his latest Hardywood Holler.
I want to thank Steve Vicious for inspiring the new column design. And God bless you, Steve Vicious, for giving us NSFW links to naked Kelly Monaco pictures in his latest Vicious TV News Wrap. Frankly, I don't know why I bother pimping anything else. You're already gone by now. In fact, you're not even reading this. Horny, no-good bastards…
Think winning an Oscar will make you and A-List star? Think again. To kick off our Oscar Week coverage, Scott Rutherford explains why winning isn't always a career booster.
As if those who dress up in Jedi outfits 24/7 have a lack of a significant other, here's a guy who wants us all to know that "The Force is a fiction that exists only in the minds of deluded Jedi practitioners." Well, DUH! Ladies and Gentlemen, it's just a movie. Let it go. I'm a Sci-Fi geek, and I don't have to dress up like a Jedi to feel loved, or have to criticize anyone who does. Can't we all just get along?
"This movie is going to redefine cinema as we know it. This movie is going to be the most important film of the 21st century. This movie is Snakes on a Plane."
New to theatres…
16 Blocks: Gotta go see Mos Def
Ultraviolet: It may suck, but it'll look good doing it.
Aquamarine: Wasn't this Splash?
Dave Chappelle's Block Party: I'm Dave Chappelle, bitch!
Well that it for this packed out edition of The Warped News. I hope you like the new format, because if you didn't, it's too much work to keep it up. Let me know what you think!
The R.I.P Trifecta
The Disney Stock Watch™ - The Holy Sh*t Edition!
Beware The Cruise…ok, maybe not.
Tapping unhidden talent…
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Annoying Edition
I'd rather see Paris "perform"…
Ah, the sh*t we make up to get attention on the internet…
It's always good to credit your sources…
When in doubt, Americans are stupid…
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
He's the spider in black…
The future is here…and it's called Hi-Def Pay-Per-View.
On the next episode of "Being Brandon Tartikoff"…
Ok! You won't get naked. We know it. Sheesh!
Ha! Ha! Made you look!
From Pimpstick To Pulpit
Coming to a theatre near you…
