Cartoon Violence, Oscar Madness, and the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Seven Soldiers.
The Idiot Box
By Nate Hensley
The Idiot Box Proper
From Yahoo Children's television is studded with violence, much of it darker and more realistic than when an anvil dropped on Wile E. Coyote's head, a watchdog group reported on Thursday.
The Parents Television Council analyzed 444 hours of kids' daytime programs last summer and detailed 2,794 violent incidents, even after sifting out "cartoony" moments like those involving the Road Runner. That's 6.3 incidents an hour more than the PTC found in prime time aimed at adults during a 2002 study.
Programs like "Teen Titans" on the Cartoon Network and ABC Family Channel's "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" often feature intense fights with swords, guns and lasers, the group said
The more things change, the more they stay the same, eh?
Back in the day we were told over and over how awful the cartoon violence was. Now kids are told "oh, back in our day it was ok violence – but NOW its bad violence."
I'm not saying they are wrong. As a father myself, I intend to shield my little girl from such programs and stick to Sesame Street and the Wiggles. And it's good to know that even such places as ABC Family are not above this type of broadcasting.
The Oscar for Cussing Goes To…
From the IMDB Crash contains more incidents of bad language than any film nominated over the past five years for a best-picture Oscar, according to FamilyMediaGuide.com. The website, which claims that it makes no judgments about the content of movies but provides information to visitors to its site so that they can form their own opinions, said Tuesday that the movie contains 182 expletives, including 99 utterances of the f-word. (Since the movie runs 107 minutes, that amounts to nearly one f-word per minute.)
Way to go, "Crash." In my hood, that's what we call repping to the fullest.
I don't know about you, but I'm sick up to my damn eyes hearing about the damned Academy Awards this Sunday.
So here's a little list of reasons to disregard the Oscars…
"Apocalypse Now" one of the greatest films ever made, loses Best Picture to the three-hanky Dustin Hoffman weepfest "Kramer vs. Kramer."
The following year, 1980 another all-time great film, "Raging Bull" loses to "Ordinary People."
Your Best Actress, Helen "Mad about You" Hunt.
The Dark Year, 2002, where "Chicago" wins best picture.
Still 2002, with arguably the best collection of Best Actor nominees on one show. Nicolas Cage for his brilliant turn in "Adapatation," Jack Nicholson in one of his best performances ever in "About Schmidt," and Daniel Day-Lewis in his best performance ever for "Gangs of New York." Three of the best acting jobs in the modern era. And who wins? Adrian Brody for "The Piano."
1995, the dopey feelgoodness of "Forrest Gump" takes Best Picture over the truly great films "Pulp Fiction" and "the Shawshank Redemption."
Best Picture 1998 – "Shakespeare in Love."
The Dark Year Revisited; Ben Kingsley's stunning and twisted performance in "Sexy Beast" loses out to the tearjerker "Iris."
In 2001, three truly innovative and unique films that will live on as all-time classics, "Shrek," "The Royal Tanenbaums," and "Memento," lose out to conventional fare "Gosford Park" and "A Beautiful Mind."
Your Best Actor, 1999 – Roberto Benigni.
And Marisa Tomei? No, no… its too easy. Lets move on.
After not getting awarded for some truly great performances, Al Pacino gets Best Actor for "Scent of a Woman," one of his worst.
And in the category if Grand theft Oscar, William H. Macy was robbed of an award for his performance in "Fargo," losing to Cuba Gooding Jr.
The Pull List
This week I'm going to give you a breakdown of this new Grant Morrison project, "Seven Soldiers." I personally think it's the most innovative comic series in the last… well, in a long, long time.
The set-up of the series is this – after a single issue intro comic, there are seven different four-issue mini-series. Each mini deals with one of the soldiers… who never actually meet one another. The goal they all share is the defeat of the evil Sheeda, a malevolent alien race who comes to Earth periodically to kill warriors for sport. Each of the seven stories culminates in "Seven Soldiers #1" coming out in a couple of months.
And now, the comics:
Seven Soldiers #0 – An aged Vigilante calls together a new Seven Soldiers to take down a giant spider roaming the desert. One of the Seven chickens out, and one of the others is a traitor, leading to the Six Soldiers being obliterated by the Sheeda. Also, we meet the Time Tailors, who live in a giant sewing machine somewhere in Slaughter Swamp, and stitch occurrences together. These are the men who summon the Seven Soldiers.
Shining Knight (complete) The first mini tells the tale of Sir Justin, the youngest of the Knights of Camelot. That civilization was destroyed by a Sheeda army, with only Justin surviving, by escaping through Castle Revolving with his flying horse, and landing in our time. He finds our world cold and ugly, and once again comes face to face with the Sheeda. After being arrested, Justin meets the evil Gloriana Tenebre, who bites a cop as Justin escapes. We also meet the Undying Don, an immortal crime boss who used to be called Kid Scarface with the Newsboy Army.
The Guardian (complete) Down on his luck, Jake Jordan answers an advertisement to become the living masthead for the newspaper the Manhattan Guardian. He hits the streets to make a difference, protect the innocent… and capture exclusive headlines. His boss is a freak in a baby's body, and formerly known as Baby Brain of a gang called the Newsboy Army. The Guardian deals with some subway pirates, and then gets caught up in the mystery of Slaughter Swamp, and what happened to the Newsboy army.
Klarion the Witch Boy (complete) Klarion lives in the underground world of Limbo Town, a strict society with Puritanical views and black magic in their blood. Klarion is a mischievous boy, adept in magic (with the help of his black cat familiar) and seeks to escape the dreary life before he becomes a Grundy. (You see, when the Witch Men die they are resurrected by their descendants as Grundys, to do slave labor. This is where Solomon Grundy comes from.) Anyway, Klarion takes a journey to the surface, almost crossing paths with the Guardian, but not quite. He runs afoul of an evil man named Mr. Melmoth, who uses street children as slave labor. He works them and works them and then… sends them to Mars? Huh? Not only must Klarion defeat Melmoth, he must go back to Limbo Town and save his people.
Zatanna (complete) Zatanna's tale is a little looser and goofier, custom-built for the quirky title character. We first meet Zatanna in a support group for loser superheroes (one of whom was last seen in Seven Soliders #0) She deals with a sorcerer in a bottle, stumbles across a bloodbath between the Sheeda and the Undying Don, finds Sir Justin's flying horse, and finally butts heads with the wicked sorcerer Ali Ka Zoom, which culminates in a battle of cosmic proportions. Also there is the matter of the mysterious door, last seen in Slaughter Swamp with the Newsboy Army.
Mr. Miracle (in progress) Shilo Norman is a troubled man, still unhappy despite wealth, fame, and a great career as the world's great escape artist, Mr. Miracle. Well, while escaping from a black hole, Shilo meets Metron of the New Gods, and runs into some Sheeda-whores at a strip club. He finds himself embroiled with a pack of bums and street cripples who apparently house the immortal spirits of the New Gods themselves. Shilo gets betrayed by someone close to him, and ends up being horribly disfigured at the hands of Baron Bedlam and Darksied. Where it's going from here, I have no idea. It doesn't tie in very much to the other books, but it is a far-out read.
Frankenstein (in progress) This is a darker, more pulp-fiction style comic (and I mean that in its original sense, not in the Tarantino-coopted sense) Our intro to Frank is a straight-up horror story, with the Sheeda causing a nerd to turn evil and psychically rape his classmates. From there, we venture into sci-fi territory, as Frank goes to Mars to track down Mr. Melmoth. We find out that Melmoth was a Sheeda left behind after the last slaughter (in Camelot). The blood of Melmoth gave life to Frank, and started the bloodline of Klarion's people. This book is red-hot, and I look forward to its conclusion.
The Bulleteer (in progress) This is some thick meat to chew here, folks. The actual story of this mini-series is weak, because it is so steeped in connections to other books. This is the title that ties in plot threads from all six other minis, plus the Seven Soldiers #0, plus the original history of the classic DC team the Seven Soldiers of Victory.
Alix Harrower is turned into a superhero against her will by her husband, a scientist with a superhero fetish. He dies, and she decides to use her liquid-metal skin for the cause of justice… sort of. She signed up to be one of the Seven Soldiers mauled by the Sheeda in #0, but chickened out. She teams up with the cop bitten by Gloriana Tenebre in "Shining Knight," and gets embroiled in several encounters that throw light onto plot strands from other stories – its only halfway done, and already it has been the most plot-heavy series so far. It's like a connective string pulling everything into line for the upcoming…
Seven Soldiers #1
One of them will die. The final battle with the Sheeda is upon them. The Seven Soldiers will have to pull together to win… although they have never met, nor will they meet.
Okay, that is my recap of the mega-series, to try and give you a taste of what it is, the scale of the whole thing. Now, it may seem like I've divulged sensitive plot spoilers, and maybe I have, but I honestly haven't "spoiled" anything. This is a deep series, rich and complete – every mini series stands alone, and most single issues stand alone, too.
"Seven Soldiers" will end up being regarded as a milestone in the comics industry. It is something entirely new and innovative. Check it out.
The Suck List for 3/1/06
1. The Oscars – Just a bunch of gay cowboys eating pudding.
2. The Winter Olympics – the ratings are in, and I'm not the only one who thought they sucked.
3. The Star Wars action figure market. Man, I was given 150 still-in-the-package Star Wars figures, and I figured it would be easy to turn them over into a nice chunk of change. But eBay kinda sucks, and I can't find another decent outlet for these damned things.
4. "Lost" – two weak episodes in a row. Not a good sign. Next week I'll take a closer look at why the show is falling down.
5. Michael Bay (for his "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" remake)
