Misunderstood Masterpieces: Catwoman
Posted by Will Helm on 03.07.2006
or, I Really Dont Feel Like Typing out the Meow Mix Theme Song; Just Hum It to Yourself
As we've seen more than a few times in this column, there have been many, many films made about male superheroes. Female superheroes, meanwhile, usually get the short shrift . . . whether they're obscure or not.
Perhaps one of the first "female superhero" films to be released is the unmitigated flop Supergirl from 1984. Fast forward eleven years and that flop is equaled by the marvelously panned Elektra an unwelcome spin-off to Daredevil. Already, not a good sign. Somewhere in between there 2004, specifically a film featuring an actress who has played the most successful female superhero to date Storm, from the X-Men series of films was released to American theaters and that film was Catwoman.
The character of Catwoman, stemming from DC Comics, is complex and, as such, ideal for a film. The alter ego of Selina Kyle, first introduced in 1940 as a villain in the Batman comics, began her comic-book life as a jewel thief. In the intervening years between then and now, she's been a revised into everything from a reformed prostitute and dominatrix to an ersatz, morally ambiguous heroine on occasion. Perhaps Catwoman's most famous portrayals are found in the old Batman television series and in the form of Michelle Pfieffer in Batman Returns, that is, as a foil and love interest for the Caped Crusader. Got all that? Good . . . now forget it all, because that's what the makers behind 2004's version of Catwoman did. So, does the judicious but, perhaps, unjustified revamp of a character such as Catwoman make a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!
Apparently, according to hieroglyphics, Egyptian people worshipped cats. And they even mummified them too. Thank you, History Channel! Also, if what the opening credits sequence is relaying is true, there has been a tradition of Catwomen throughout history, accompanied by other cheesy, cat-related silliness. Unfortunately, instead of jumping into the action, the film begins in medias res and with an expository monologue! It's like two great tastes that don't belong together. The expository monologue, in much the same vein as Sunset Boulevard or American Beauty is a post-mortem pity party, so obviously the main character is an unmarried, lonely woman. They are notable for their pity parties, you know.
Sometime before, the dead chick recounts, she was a somewhat young wannabe artist working for an ad agency and named Patience Phillips (Halle Berry). OK . . . hold on a sec. What happened to Selina Kyle? Did someone forget that plot point or something? Oh wait . . . they blew it all up. I have to remember that. Anyway, elsewhere at the ad agency, some Aryan guy (Lambert Wilson) gives a pitch to a room full of stuffy executives. Hmm . . . that Aryan guy looks awful familiar. Oh damn . . . it's the Merovingian. Anyway, while the Merovingian gives his speech, his uppity wife Laurel (Sharon Stone) interrupts him to remind everyone that she used to be the spokesmodel for their makeup line. Unfortunately for her, she's being put out to pasture for a newer model . . . and she isn't happy about it. Of course, she and her husband bicker like any good hateful married couple would after the conference.
Down in the pits of the ad agency, where Patience and her goofy, sex-crazed colleague Sally (Alex Borstein) slave away in front of computer screens, the wonderfully loving couple goes to chat with Patience. It seems that, according to the Merovingian, she put the wrong red on her ad. Yes . . . the "wrong red." Evidently she used Pantone 1795 when she should have used Pantone 187. The Merovingian, who has to get back to his busy day of torturing "the One," wants to fire Patience right then and there, but Laurel is a little more forgiving and gives Patience until midnight the night after to fix the horribly messed up ad.
That night, Patience can't sleep I wonder why? but, alas, it's not what I think, as there is actually terrible music playing across the street. Sadly, Patience is just going to have to suffer because, even though her namesake has run out, she's too mousy to do anything about the situation. Meanwhile, some cat in the alley below stares at her and then it seemingly comments on Patience's "artwork." The next morning, Patience finds the cat on the ledge outside her window. She follows it, but, upon reaching the window, she finds the cat precariously perched on a higher ledge. Patience, perhaps resigning herself to living a lonely life filled with cats and heavy drinking, attempts to rescue the cat from its precipitous state; at that very same time, rugged-yet-sensitive policeman Tom Lone (Benjamin Bratt) drives buy and, believing Patience to be crazy and suicidal she is single and getting on in years, you know he rescues her from an apparent attempt on her own life.
After Tom gives Patience a cursory interrogation, Patience rushes out the door to head to work . . . barefoot. Yes, barefoot. Once at the office, the Merovingian insults his wife because she's getting old and cranky; apparently, he also doesn't like scientists very much, because their resident researcher is getting whiny about something. While Patience tries to ignore her colleague Sally and get her revised ad done, Tom shows up to visit Patience on the job; surprisingly, he doesn't arrest her for attempted suicide and lock her up in a mental ward. Instead, he confesses that he looked at her art portfolio while he was left alone in her apartment isn't that an unreasonable search? and he also Googled her art. That sounds so dirty. Speaking of dirty, Tom wants Patience to join him for a little "coffee"; after he leaves, Patience's work friends pipe up because they want her to GET SOME!
Wow . . . it's just like Bridget Jones's Diary. Just with more cats.
As Patience works, time speeds up; obviously she already has some powers affecting the temporal flux. Unfortunately, she must have slacked off a little too much that day, as, in lieu of using a messenger, she has to bring the repaired ad to the Merovingian herself. Patience, then, goes to what appears to be the Merovingian's evil lair and it's there she learns the film's shocking secret: the company's new skin cream is addictive and the main symptom of withdrawal is . . . the heartbreak of psoriasis! You have got to be kidding me. Anyway, apparently the whiny scientist the Merovingian was referring to earlier doesn't like the fact that he's designed a somewhat dangerous product, so he's having second thoughts regarding the matter. Patience, though mousy, overhears the plot and gets found out, so two thugs shoot at her. She hurriedly escapes to a toxic waste dump of some sort and then into a sewer, where the thugs flush out the pipes, blasting Patience out of the pipe and into the local river, where she drowns. Oh well . . . movie's over.
Actually, the movie is back at the beginning in medias res, remember? and, after the beginning of the movie returns for a bit, a bad CGI cat pulls Patience from the water. Don't worry . . . the movie really is just as confusing as that last sentence. While a bunch of other cats gather around to watch and/or get a bite to eat, the bad CGI cat rears back and resurrects Patience with a hearty blast of cat breath. Who knew Friskies could be that powerful? After Patience wakes up from being dead, she immediately starts trippin' ballz. Neil Patrick Harris would be proud. After stumbling around like any undead ghoul would, Patience hurries back to her apartment, where she jumps onto the fire escape and breaks in.
The next morning, she wakes up on a shelf high in the room for no apparent reason. After she gets back to her undead senses, she catches the bad CGI cat and learns of its true owner. Unsurprisingly, the cat's owner is a creepy spinster (Frances Conroy) who lives in a Victorian house in the suburbs and who owns a LOT of cats. Even more important than the cats, the creepy lady also has exposition! According to her, Egyptian cats, of which the CGI cat is one, have superpowers. Weird. Patience, rightly, is a bit freaked out by learning that she befriended and, unbeknownst to her, was brought back to life by a superpowered cat, so she leaves quickly; the creepy lady is a bit put out by this, mainly because she only wanted a little bit of company. It's a lonely life living with a bunch of cats.
Out on the street and still freaked out, Patience has an "episode." I think she seriously needs some medication at this point . . . or at least a good doctor . . . or a stake through the heart. She is undead, you know. Back at work, the Merovingian screams bloody murder at Patience for not bringing in the revised ad she was killed because of the night before. Dum-dum-DUM! Patience, perhaps taking advantage of her newfound lease on death, tells him off and gets fired; moments later, she has a bout of second thoughts, but it's all for naught. Oddly, her co-workers applaud anyway, probably because now they can raffle off the contents of her cubicle. She always had to have the "best" stapler.
Sometime later, Patience walks the streets literally, not figuratively . . . she hasn't been unemployed THAT long with overweight, slutty Sally. While Patience drools over a gaudy necklace in the window of a jewelry store, Sally has a stroke due to the EVIL skin cream she's been using. Over at the hospital, Sally seems to be alright; she's just hot for her doctor now. Patience, happy that her friend isn't as near death as she thought, abandons her to visit Tom, who's telling a bunch of kids to stay away from guns or drugs or something like that. It's whatever cops usually say to kids other than "we're charging you as an adult." While the kids play basketball after the little lecture, Tom and Patience chat for a bit using only double entendres and then the kids pressure them into doing a little one-on-one. On the basketball court, perverts. Patience, harnessing the power of R&B anytime anything vaguely interesting occurs in this film from this point on, an annoying soundtrack of R&B kicks in turns into a Harlem Globetrotter and then she fondles Tom under the auspices of playing defense. The kids, watching from the periphery, love it . . . which is more than a little creepy. To finish the scene, Patience tackles Tom while dunking over him, more than likely giving him a concussion. That'll really endear yourself to him, Patience.
While Laurel, in her office, emotes jealousy at being replaced as spokesmodel of her own makeup company, Patience hilariously eats massive amounts of tuna directly from the can. Before she can start lapping up milk out of a bowl and killing mice as presents for Tom, Sally calls from the hospital just to gossip. While Sally asks about Tom and any prospects for getting it on, Patience unwittingly jumps around her apartment and, in the meantime, gets all gooey talking about Tom. More than I needed to know, movie. Way more than I needed to know.
That night, Patience finally plots her REVENGE against the loud people across the street, so she gets possessed and kicks down the door to the apartment and or after-hours club residing there. She beats up some long-haired guy a bit and then she sprays the party-goers and the speakers with beer. Interesting. Upon returning to her apartment, Patience gives herself a needed makeover and then she steals a motorcycle; she must really be taking advantage of this "back from the dead" thing. Patience, looking to get herself the necklace she coveted earlier in the film, walks into the middle of a jewelry heist; she foils the crooks present with her agility and the power of R&B. She even uses one of the thieves as a surfboard and slides him, headfirst, into a wall. After the two ne'er-do-wells are incapacitated, Patience doesn't bother sticking around to explain the situation to the police; she merely makes off with a bunch of jewelry herself.
Unsurprisingly, as the unnamed city's police force seemingly has only one detective, Tom is on the case. Perhaps to make his job easier, Patience returns the bulk of the stolen goods anonymously . . . and she even includes some cupcakes too. After somewhat atoning for her recent crimes, Patience Googles goofy cat stuff . . . and the movie just replays the opening credits sequence again. Patience, perhaps finally out of her namesake, goes once more to see the creepy lady, who shows Patience a book that meows when it's opened. Either that, or the Foley artist wanted to give himself a good laugh there. Anyway, the creepy lady goes back into exposition mode and she informs a quite disbelieving Patience that the bad CGI cat resurrected her for the good of humanity. Now, why a cat would care about the good of humanity is beyond me; I guess it wouldn't be able to get its Cat Chow any other way. Also, surprisingly, being "Catwoman" is along the same lines as being a Green Lantern; it's an inherited mantle, passed from one woman to another through cats. Or something like that.
The creepy lady, as one final act, gives Patience a goofy mask and then, that night, Patience transforms into . . . BAD CGI CATWOMAN! And look out city, Catwoman is out for REVENGE! So she's going to declare war on the water? She did drown after all. Apparently not, though, as she's instead going after one of the Merovingian's thugs. She follows him to a nightclub where she (hilariously) drinks cream and then dances badly. She takes center stage as a cat-themed dominatrix, complete with a whip she acquired . . . somewhere. After flirting a little with the thug, she takes the action out into the alley, where she throttles the thug and extracts some very important information along the way. Exposition? You betcha! Later, Catwoman breaks into the Merovingian's evil lair where she finds the conscientious scientist dead! Dum-dum-DUM!
The next day, Patience visits Sally in the hospital, just so that the movie remembers that character existed. Also, apparently, even though the scientist is dead and Catwoman is apparently to blame, the Merovingian is releasing the toxic, addictive skin cream to the market in a week's time! Meanwhile, Tom does some handwriting analysis to get to the bottom of Catwoman's secret identity. Hmm . . . I wonder who it could be? Well, evidently he doesn't think it's Patience, as he visits her and they go to a fair together . . . where they get stuck on a rickety, rusty old Ferris wheel. Now, I don't know about you, but usually whenever I see anything that's rickety or rusty, I STAY AWAY. Evidently Tom and Patience ain't that bright. Anyway, while the Ferris wheel threatens to possibly eject off its moorings and roll into the heart of the city which would be, admittedly, a cool visual Tom climbs down to the bottom to help out the operator and Patience stops some annoying little brat from falling out of his car. Later, his mother sued Patience for damages and mental duress.
That night, Catwoman breaks into Laurel's house looking for the Merovingian . . . but she finds a few whacks with a golf club instead. After breaking away from a golf club-armed Laurel, Catwoman and her rival scuffle and bicker for a bit and then Laurel tells Catwoman where her husband can be found . . . and, apparently, it's Cirque du Soliel. Oh joy. At this point, one would think this were a Joel Schumacher movie. Not to worry, folks; it's just Pitof. Really. Pitof. Anyway, after the Merovingian demeans the new spokesmodel (Kim Smith) and she leaves, Catwoman shows up for a little visit in his box. That last bit just sounds wrong. After Catwoman leaves a gentle scratch as a calling card, the cops flush her out of the box and onto the stage. Catwoman, compelled by the power of R&B, retreats to backstage, where Tom corners her. After they playfully tussle for a bit, Catwoman prevents Tom from falling to his death and then, after another brief altercation, she gets away. Tom isn't a very good police officer.
Later, back at the office, Laurel and the Merovingian argue and then the Merovingian discovers that, due to her use of the toxic, addictive skin cream, Laurel has rock-hard skin! Dum-dum-DUM? Elsewhere, Tom and Patience go on a date together, where she hilariously eats sushi faster than any human on Earth . . . even those crazy Japanese professional eaters. While Patience stuffs her face, Tom just starts bragging about Catwoman. Ooh . . . what a jerk! He's trying to make Patience jealous! Patience, surprisingly, isn't put off by Tom's odd fascination, but is instead interested herself. After dinner, Tom and Patience get caught in the rain there's no word on piña coladas, though and Patience "hilariously" freaks out. OK . . . she's part cat or something like that; enough, movie! They shelter themselves in Patience's apartment, where they stave off the boredom of a rainy night by getting it on with the power of R&B.
While Patience sleeps off her sexual gratification, Tom wakes up and finds possible evidence in Patience's apartment, specifically a lip print on one of her glasses. Later, Patience wakes up like she does every morning: alone. Laurel, curiously, gives her a call; meanwhile, Tom FINALLY figures out that Patience and Catwoman are one in the same . . . or at least he seems to. His detective skills aren't quite up to snuff in this film. Catwoman, meanwhile, visits Laurel and, in the process, she's framed for the murder of the Merovingian! Oh . . . you mean Laurel was behind all this the whole time? You don't say! Honestly, is it really a plot twist when the viewers can see it coming from a mile away? Perhaps the bigger twist would have been that the Merovingian was behind it all along, instead of just being a sappy, Euro-trash dupe.
Anyway, Laurel sets off the trap and the police raid the place; surprisingly, Catwoman gets away because she returns to her alter ego. It doesn't quite work out the way she planned, however, because, once she returns to her apartment, she finds Tom waiting for her with a pair of handcuffs. Ooh . . . kinky. Tom, perhaps playing a decent cop for the first time in this movie, brings Patience into the station and he interrogates her; Patience tells her everything she knows which is mostly schizophrenic and he throws her in the pokey for safekeeping. Meanwhile, he's confused. Geez . . . he figures out one thing and next thing you know he thinks he's Joe Friday.
While Tom goes off to do a little more investigating, the bad CGI cat visits Patience in jail. Somehow, the bad CGI cat inspires Patience to slip through the bars and she even, apparently, learns how to teleport through the halls of the police station. It's just one of those subtle "huh?" things. Anyway, Patience, to escape from her captors, jumps out a window and lands on the street, where she beats up a random guy and steals his Jaguar. You know, for not being the murderer she's being framed as, Catwoman is still racking up the crimes. Elsewhere, at a press conference, Laurel hands out Pokéballs filled with the evil, toxic, addictive skin cream to unwitting, vain women. After the launch, Tom stops by for a chat; meanwhile, outside, Catwoman sabotages the trucks carrying the "product" by tearing off their tires with a craftily placed chain.
Back inside, Tom plays a little hardball investigating with Laurel and she sort-of confesses to her crimes . . . and then she shoots Tom in the shoulder and tells him that she doesn't like fellatio. Well, she does say that she's done things that she didn't like doing, so what else is there to assume? Before Laurel can strike the killing blow or shot, in this case Catwoman drops by and breaks up the fun. Along the way, she kills an Asian guy and the thug from earlier, until she finally catches up with Laurel and they fight to the powerful strains of yes R&B. The fight is even, albeit boring, for a time, until the nearly invulnerable Laurel finally gains the upper hand with a shard of glass to Catwoman's leg and a good, old-fashioned pipe beating. Of course, Catwoman finally wins when she knocks Laurel out a window is defenestration an important symbol in this movie or something? to her death on the ground below. Unfortunately, Laurel doesn't break into a million pieces once there, but it's not like that'd be cool or anything anyway. In the aftermath, Catwoman thanks everyone else in the movie the creepy lady and Sally, mainly for helping out and then she dumps Tom during an internal monologue. It's alright, though, because she still has the power of R&B.
When it comes right down to it, Catwoman just had "bad idea" written all over it from the start. Whoever was truly behind this film, against all common logic, threw out an entirely valid mythos for the main character a mythos even established in Batman Returns and substituted it with their own. From that point, Catwoman ceased being Catwoman and transformed into Halle Berry in Tight Leather. As in most, if not all, films featured herein, the performances cannot truly be blamed the cast gives their all, and sometimes a little too much . . . Lambert Wilson, I'm looking at you but the creative choices that preceded the film itself are the true cause of what ails this film. Unsurprisingly, that commonality makes Catwoman an assured Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me . . . sometime in the near future . . . when I do . . . something. You see, I have a little bit of a SHOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT! I'm moving! Not to worry, dear fans (or fan . . . I never keep count); it's not going to be to another website. My real life self is moving to a new apartment at the end of this week, so I can't make any guarantees that there will be a column next week or even the week after that. Rest assured, however, that sometime in the near future I'll be back and Sylvester Stallone will be embarrassing himself in one of the greatest Misunderstood Masterpieces ever. See you then!
