Warped News 03.16.06: The Shocking Edition

Posted by Cris Murphy on 03.16.2006

It’s March Madness, and I’m breaking out THE SHOCKER!

Good day my dear readers. Your humble narrator is caught up in that thing they call "March Madness." If you're reading this, I guarantee I'm somewhere that's not considered work, drinking beer and watching the first round of the NCAA Tournament. One of the first games out is Wichita St. vs. Seton Hall. Being that WSU is 40 minutes away from me, and a lot of good friends (and my brother) are WSU alumns, I shall be rooting on the Shockers (that's right, SHOCKERS! Two in the pink, one in the stink) as they participate in their first Dance in over 18 years.

Then on Friday night, my beloved Jayhawks will cream another Missouri Valley entrant, Bradley, as they make everyone forget who the living hell Bucknell is. Actually, I'm hoping Bucknell wins their first two games, so we can face them in the Sweet Sixteen, cream their living ass back to the Stone Age, and piss on their ashes. It's not that I'm bitter or anything. Go, F**cknell!

But enough of The Dance, Cinderellas and who will wear the glass slipper. It's time for the penultimate entertainment guide that escorts you through the ravenous shores of Hollywood's darker side. It time for the blissful scenery that we call…


All the News, New and Improved

This week on "North Korean Theatre Workshop"…
As far as musicals go, seeing people break into song on subjects such as starvation and public executions in North Korea may be one of the most unlikely concepts for stage entertainment in several years. But, according to the Associated Press, producers held a preview in Seoul on Tuesday of the musical called "Yoduk Story" that features goose-stepping North Korean soldiers and deprived prisoners.

The musical is about a North Korean woman's fall from a dancing revolutionary hero to a tortured inmate along with her family at Yoduk prison camp, where she bears a guard's child, and learns to forgive her brutal captors. Wow, and here I though Life Is Beautiful was a little morbid.

Songs in the musical include "You are just like germs" and "All I want is rice". The producers hope audiences can find beauty in the misery of life in the prison camps. But "Yoduk Story" writer, director and North Korean refugee Jung Sung-san says South Korean audiences have never really gotten a taste of the atrocities committed at the notorious political prisons in the North he was lucky enough to escape after three months.
"This is not somebody else's business. This is happening just a few hours from here," Jung told reporters. "We want to convey the reality of what is happening."

Well, nothing conveys the reality of horrible conditions at a prison camp than a musical about a woman who comes to grips that she's in a prison camp. Makes it seem like a fairly nice place to visit, but you don't want to stay there. I hope they incorporate other classic North Korean musical numbers such as "I'm So Ronery" and "You Are Worthless Alec Baldwin."

My childhood continues to crash headlong into Hollywood…
And we Earthlings take yet another step towards Armageddon. The Assocaited Press reports that Hollywood is ruining my childhood yet again with a proposed remake of the TV show "Welcome Back Kotter." The film will star Ice Cube as Mr. Kotter. Huh? He resembles the Puerto-Rican Jew more.

Gabe Kaplan, star of the show and very good professional poker player, shares the rights to the series and has been resisting a movie version for years. But he says he likes the way this project is shaping up.

I'll tell you where this is shaping up…into the sh*tter. This has potential to make The Dukes of Hazzard seem like Shakespeare. Why remake something if you're going to change everything about it that made it popular? Who's going to play Barbarino? This guy?



Maybe not the best idea since Jar-Jar…
Star Wars producer Rick McCallum confirmed to Empire Online that George Lucas has approved an Indiana Jones IV script and returned it to Spielberg for more polishing.

He also says the Star Wars TV show is a go - "That's not going to happen probably for another year and a half while we develop scripts and everything else. But it's fantastic; we've got some incredible writers. It's going to be much darker, much more character-based, and I think it's going to be everything the fans always wanted the prequels to be. They'll be one-hour episode. It takes place between Episodes III and IV. It's going to be all-new characters, maybe a few bounty hunters in there to start the series off".

Yeah, because we all know that basing a TV show on something as big as Star Wars, yet using characters no one knows about will pack them in. "Hey, I really like that Whatshisname! He has something about him that I can't really put my finger on. Maybe because I know nothing about him."

Your casting news from Hell…
According to Variety, 20th Century Fox's film version of the classic 80's soap "Dallas" has offered some key actors some key roles. Jennifer Lopez has been offered the part of Sue Ellen Ewing, Luke Wilson is negotiating to play Bobby Ewing, John Travolta has an offer to star as J.R. Ewing and Shirley MacLaine is down for the part of Miss Ellie Ewing.

Can anyone say "cluster f**k?" I knew you could.

The film will chronicle the exploits of wealthy Texas oil millionaires, their shady business dealings and dysfunctional families. The series centered on the Ewing family, led by patriarch Jack Ewing, who started family corporation Ewing Oil. If the deals come to fruition, production is likely to commence in October after Travolta has finished up a starring role in New Line Cinema's bigscreen version of Hairspray.

Producers must have thrown darts at a dart board for this one. How the hell do you get J-LO as Sue Ellen and Luke Wilson as Bobby Ewing? It's like mixing lemonade, grape juice, cranberry cocktail and grapefruit juice together thinking you'll get "fruit punch", when all you'll get is a lot of shocked people spitting liquid out of their mouth and making a lot of red stains.

157 Channels and nothing on…
According to the Media Daily News website, the average American household received 96.4 channels in 2005 but watched only 15.4 of them. The study conducted by Nielsen Research also found that the average household watched TV 57 hours and 17 minutes per week, up from 56 hours and seven minutes during 2004, and that "given an unlimited number of media options, the average person will still opt to use a relatively small number [of channels]."

Makes an ala carte system of channels a little more feasible. If people are only going to watch 16 channels, then why not let them choose 20 channels they could watch instead of paying for 300 channels they won't watch. See, I'm always ahead of the times. More people like the FCC should listen to me.

Reason #154 to quit making horror films: pipe bombs. #1 Reason: They suck.
According to a report by ChannelCinncinatti.com, Clermont County, OH authorities spent last Friday morning investigating possible explosive devices found in a barn. The "bombs" turned out to be movie props.

A bottle collector told officers that he had found what appeared to be pipe bombs inside an abandoned barn. Inside one of several barns on the property, officers found what looked like a trunk of pipe bombs. The Cincinnati police bomb squad was called to the scene, and a robot was deployed to examine the devices.

After detonating two of them, someone told officials that a film company had shot a horror movie there in December. Upon further examination, several prop swords, guns and dead birds were found in the barn. Ok Officer! You better hold back the PETA protesters!

See, it's bad enough that 99.9% of today's horror films suck out the ass, but they have to go around and leave their stupid pipe bombs as well. Talk about a disservice to the community in more ways than one.

News from ShoWest…
ShoWest is the annual convention for movie theater owners out in Las Vegas. It attracts a lot of Hollywood's A-List to help promote upcoming movies to the people who will show them to the public. Here are some of the juicy stuff that happened this year.

Theater owners, who have long been depicted as the roadblock to digital film and exhibition, now appear ready to welcome it. Speaking Tuesday in Las Vegas during opening ceremonies of ShoWest, National Association of Theatre Owners President and CEO John Fithian said, "We stand now at the dawn of the biggest technological revolution since the advent of sound. Digital cinema starts right now, in the year 2006, and it couldn't come at a more important time."

Fithian also suggested that the failure of the Steven Soderbergh movie Bubble in January may have caused studios to reconsider plans to close the window between the time a movie is released in theaters and the time it is on DVD. Bubble bombed at the box office and drew relatively tiny sales on DVD. It was, said Fithian, a "radical, misguided" experiment, but, he added, it "caused studios and exhibitors to sit down and talk with the creative community about this issue. It got us all together." Later, he remarked, "The reality is the window is not changing. The vast majority of Hollywood knows this windows model works."

Mr. Fithian is right on the money. Sure, Hollywood experimented with the idea of simultaneous theater/DVD release. But, they should have came to the same conclusion I came up with BEFORE they released Bubble: You make too much money from theaters and DVD sales to try to put them together. You're only going to sacrifice an entire section of cash flow. Why make money 2 ways when you can continue making money 4 ways? Sure, box office is down. But that's because movie-goers are more picky about what they watch, and the films that came out in 2005 sucked something awful.

Meanwhile, back at the ShoRanch, MPAA chief Dan Glickman told the ShoWest exhibitors that his organization intends to launch a marketing campaign aimed at boosting ticket sales. "Everyone knows how to sum up box office in 2005. It was down," Glickman said. "This is not breaking news. What is important in 2006 is how we respond to the changing marketplace." THERE IS NO CHANGING MARKETPLACE! YOUR MOVIES SUCKED!

However, the Los Angeles Times reported that many exhibitors had already concluded the obvious that the downtrend was primarily due to the poor quality of many films in 2005. Peter Brown, chairman of the AMC theatrical chain, told the newspaper, "There are some movies that I said, 'Even if you could see it for free, you wouldn't.'" That sums up Hollywood's problem in a nutshell. Theater owners could see that the films they were showing sucked. Yet, here's the head of the MPAA telling everyone that it's a changing marketplace. They're in denial. Sure, DVD sales are fluxuating because of a more on-demand marketplace. They should see about digital iTune sales of films, as well as high-def DVD sales. The box office will take care of itself when Hollywood starts making better films.

Speaking of bad box office, during the ShoWest convention, the MPAA disclosed that Hollywood suffered its worst year at the box office in nearly a decade -- even as marketing costs soared, especially for small films. In its annual box-office marketing report, the MPAA said that the number of admissions dropped nearly 9% to 1.4 billion, the lowest number since 1997. The overseas box office also fell 9%, according to the report. Strikingly, the report noted hat the costs of marketing small specialty films increased 33%, rising to $15.2 million from $11.4 million the previous year. On the other hand, the average cost to produce a movie fell 19% to $23.5 million.

Less independent films, less quality films released equals less box office and higher marketing costs. More bad, blockbuster-type films equals less box office and significantly higher marketing costs. At least the average cost of a film fell.

Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner: ISSAC HAYES.

I hate to do it to the man that brought us Shaft, but when you're a tool, you're a tool. Isaac Hayes quit "South Park" this week as the voice of Chef, saying he can no longer stomach its take on religion…or in this case, its take on Scientology.

Hayes, who has played Chef since 1997, said in a statement Monday that he feels a line has been crossed. "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer and outspoken Scientologist said.

"Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," he continued. "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

"South Park" co-creator Matt Stone responded sharply in an interview with The Associated Press Monday, saying, "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of Scientology... He has no problem -- and he's cashed plenty of checks -- with our show making fun of Christians. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin."

Amen. Say what you want about "South Park", but they take equal shots at everyone. They don't just pick on Christians. They pick on Jews, Mormons, Scientologists, hippies, you name it. They are equal opportunity offenders. If you think they did your faith wrong, just see what they've done to Mormons! Dumb-da-da-dumb-dumb-dumb.

A lot of groups are crying persecution from society and from the Hollywood establishment. Some of it may be true, but it's never as bad as they think it is. It's time to get a grip and realize that we make fun of everything now. You are not a victim, because I've been blasted for something just as bad. Everyone has. And if Mr. Hayes has been fighting bigotry and for civil rights for as long as he has, he should have a thicker skin than this. If it was so bad, he should have left the show before the first season ever ended.

For his thin skin and true Scientologist overreaction, Mr. Hayes is the:

Craftsman 18 in. Drum Sander with Dust Collection System
Sears item #00921568000 Mfr. model #21568
3 hp max. developed motor delivers 3450 RPM; drum operates at 4000 RPM.
Table raises and lowers. Variable 2-17 FPM conveyor belt. Maximum
sanding capacity of 18/36x5 in.

And somehow, Bill Clinton is absent from this conversation…
PRWeb is reporting that adult starlet Mary Carey is scheduled to attend the United to Victory dinner with President George W. Bush in Washington D.C on March 15th - 16th.
Carey, who was also a Republican candidate for governor of California, is going to Washington at the invitation of the National Republican Congressional Committee (NRCC). She will meet and interact with key Congressional leaders and Administration officials to discuss advancing powerful pro-business, pro-family agendas and meeting positive legislative goals. Nice to see the porn industry get more pro-family these days.

On returning to Washington, Ms. Carey said, "I'm really excited to be going back to Washington D.C. to see the president again. Everyone thinks that politicians are stuffy, but we all had a great time last year." Really? Have a sex tape to prove it? Not that I'm all that interested to see Karl Rove in a sex tape…

"I'm always excited to learn more about what's going on in our nation's capital, since most people in the porn industry think an Iraqi pullout is a form of safe sex," Carey quipped. "Since I'm seriously considering running for governor of California again, I'm going to need a lot of support from Republican lawmakers nationwide - however I can get it."

I think she gets enough…if you know what I mean. Here's a look at California's next governor…

Got to admit…it's better than Arnold!

Question: Do you know who I am? Answer: A f**king cheapskate!
According to WENN, Sir Elton John has reportedly banned Paris Hilton from future post-Oscar parties, after she failed to make a compulsory donation to his AIDS charity. The dimwit and her even more dimwitted boyfriend, Stavros Niarchos III, attended John's annual Oscar bash...a party that reportedly costs $2500/person to get in. A source tells the New York Post's Page Six, "When it was suggested to her that she donate the money, Paris just said, 'Don't you know who I am?' and waltzed right in. Isn't she supposed to be wealthy? Everyone else paid. She won't be asked back."

A representative for the Elton John AIDS Foundation confirms The Gimp did not pay for her ticket. However, Hilton's spokesperson insists she intends to make a donation, saying, "Paris did instruct her accountant to cut a check for $10,000. They should get their money." Yeah, only after reports came out about her stiffing an AIDS benefit. What a dink!

Vinnie D.: Movie Mogul
Coming Soon.com recently interviewed Vin Diesel about his latest film, Find Me Guilty. During the interview, Diesel admitted that his film The Chronicles of Riddick was envisioned as a trilogy with a story arc already mapped out (there were rumors that budget bloat forced elements of two movies into one), and he sorta-confirmed that he's interested in buying back the rights to the series from Universal to do with as he pleases.

It would be nice to see another Riddick film. If we can get David Twhoy to return as director, and get some of the metaphysical crap out of the story, it could end up being something good. However, I don't want to see two films of Riddick kicking ass and that's it. I'd rather see an Ultraviolet marathon than see 4 hours of Riddick putting bodies on the floor. Make it sensible and low-key…much like Pitch Black…and Diesel could have a good franchise on his hands.

The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Yet another fantastic, trademarked segment to pay tribute to the ever-growing mistakes made by network journalists and 24-hour news networks. This award is to honor the great Bill O'Reilly, who's constant blathering continues to tell us lowly "ham and eggers" what journalism really is. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. We wouldn't know bad journalism without you. *sarcasm included for free*

The Associated Press reports that while consumers can find news in many more places, they are paradoxically are seeing fewer stories covered with less depth. A study commissioned by The Project for Excellence in Journalism found the trend on television, in newspapers and online.

Cable news outlets, for example, repeatedly tell a limited number of stories. On one day, Google News offered computer users a menu of 14,000 stories — covering only 24 separate subjects. The Washington-based think tank, in its annual state of the industry study, said many news outlets are reacting to declining circulation or viewership by cutting back on journalists. Yet, on a national level, they find it necessary to cover many of the same stories.

"It's the illusion of more information," said Tom Rosenstiel, the project's director, "but it's actually a lot of repetition." The danger of news operations stretched too thin is that it's easier for news subjects to control the flow of information, he said. One reason the Hurricane Katrina story stood out for journalists is that it was an impossible for anyone to control.

Big-city newspapers are shrinking; the number of newspaper reporters covering Philadelphia, for example, is down from 500 in 1980 to about 220 today, the report said.
Take out traffic, weather and sports and half of local television news is filled with crime and accident stories, illustrating a lack of depth.

This is something that's not new to these eyes. What the report failed to mention is that the ever-growing pressure to outscoop thousands of competitors makes it more difficult for reporters to get more in-depth on a report before they must file it. In the end, more things get lost, and fewer points of view are expressed. It also leads to the absolute lack of any integrity in the journalistic field. That's why you have CBS airing a report about a President's service record using falsified reports, when any intern with a few hours to spare could have verified the accuracy of those reports.

Plus, journalists have become more lazy, asking fewer questions and demanding better responses. They rather get a free trip to Aruba to cover a missing girl than hit a paper trail of a government conspiracy.

In this weeks edition of "Sour Grapes"…
Coming in a close second for the Tool of the Week™, Brokeback Mountain author Annie Proulx has verbally slapped the Academy Awards for giving the Best Picture Oscar to Crash at this year's ceremony. According to WENN, the British newspaper The Guardian published an essay by Proulx describing Academy voters as "out of touch" and "segregated" from current issues, and insists they were easily influenced by Crash's production company Lions Gate Entertainment.

She writes, "Roughly 6,000 film industry voters, most in the Los Angeles area, many living cloistered lives behind wrought-iron gates or in deluxe rest homes, out of touch not only with the shifting larger culture and the yeasty ferment that is America these days, but also out of touch with their own segregated city, decide which films are good. And rumor has it that Lions Gate inundated the academy voters with DVD copies of 'Trash' - excuse me, ‘Crash' - a few weeks before the ballot deadline. Next year we can look to the awards for controversial themes on the punishment of adulterers with a branding iron in the shape of the letter A, runaway slaves, and the debate over free silver."

You know, it could be that Crash is a better movie. And if you think I'm wrong…WELCOME TO WORLD OF OPINION! That's why the film didn't get the Oscar. Other people thought Crash was a better film. Get used to it. You had gay cowboys. Whooptie-sh*t.

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…

British DVD company, Lovefilm, conducted a poll to see what people thought was the sexiest moment on film. The spanking scene from the movie Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhaal earned to top position. And while I don't think Maggie is much of a babe, I know that is just my opinion. So, here's the winner, Ms. Gyllenhaal:


And while we're here, let's honor some of the other babes who made the list:

#9: Naomi Watts - Mulholland Drive



#6: Neve Campbell & Denise Richards - Wild Things



#5: Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair - Cruel Intentions


>From Pimpstick To Pulpit

David Hardy goes "cowabunga" on our asses in the latest Hardywood Hollar.

Arnold Furious gives us 5 quick film reviews for Rambo III, Sanjuro and others in his latest Furious On Film.

Steve Vicious has TV show reviews, TV shows coming to DVD, TV and more TV (did I mention he has some news about TV?) in his latest Vicious TV News Wrap.

George H. Sirois interviews Erin Cahill, the star of the new TV series "Free Ride." He's not your average Barbara Walters…

Joe Rivett explains why John McCain hasn't got the Republican nomination sown up just yet. C'mon Joe! They're dead without him. I'm voting McCain '08 even if he doesn't run.

How well do you know about U.S. Presidents? Take 411Mania's first Political Pop Quiz and find out.

Want to measure the speed of light with chocolate chips? Here's how!

Here's some really cool 3-D sidewalk art. Check out the Batman & Robin!

And finally, I'm a member of the starship Serenity (from "Firefly").


Coming to a theatre near you…

New to theatres…
V For Vendetta: The only film you need to see this weekend.
She's the Man: Like I said, V For Vendetta is the only film you need to see this weekend.

Also in theatres…
Failure to Launch: Review.
The Hills Have Eyes: Review #1 and Review #2
The Libertine: Johnny Depp in another pompous costume drama.
The Shaggy Dog: Curses to Disney and Tim Allen for remaking this. Goodbye childhood.
16 Blocks: Review
Ultraviolet: The Grandaddy of Suckage. Check out my review, as well as Brian Kristopowitz's review.
Aquamarine: Review
Dave Chappelle's Block Party: Review
Running Scared: Review
Doogal: Sucks.
Madea's Family Reunion: Review
Date Movie: Poor Allyson. Review #1 and Review #2.
Eight Below: Review
Curious George: Review
The Pink Panther: Heard it wasn't half as bad I thought it would be. Review #1 and Review #2
Firewall: Review #1 and Review #2
Something New: Review
When a Stranger Calls: Review
Annapolis: Review
Big Momma's House 2: Review
The Matador: Review
End of the Spear: Review
Underworld-Evolution: Review #1 and Review #2.
Munich: Review #1 and Review #2
Brokeback Mountain: Review


Well, that's it for another Thursday and another edition of The Warped News. Hoist up a beer and cheer on my beloved Jayhawks if you would.

And for those of you who are cheering for Wichita St.: