Warped News 03.16.06: The “Screw Bradley!” Edition

Posted by Cris Murphy on 03.23.2006

It must be hard to be a pimp if you need your Oscar to get into a club…

I'm neck deep in March Madness right now. First, my father is staying with me for a week while he and I take in the NJCAA national basketball tournament. It's like what you see on TV, only for junior colleges. It's cool because some of the players I see this week will be starring in the NCAA tournament next year. It's like seeing a live version of "Before They Were Famous".

Plus, my beloved Jayhawks lost to Bradley. And that's all I'm going to say about that.

Plus, the Wichita State Shockers defeated a Big East team, Seton Hall, and the SEC regular season champs, Tennessee, to make it to the Sweet 16. And with George Mason upsetting North Carolina (believe me Tarheels, I know how you feel), Wichita State has a good chance to make it to the Elite 8 and a shot at UCONN and the Final Four. It's been crazy around here because of what the Shockers have done. Believe me, I'll always be a KU fan, and I bleed crimson and blue. But, it's good to see another Kansas team getting the national spotlight. And since my team is already out…GO SHOCKERS! (Plus head coach Mark Turgeon played and coached for the Jayhawks, so I'm rooting for a KU legacy).

But enough with the madness and the complete and utter disappointment. It's time to usher in another fine edition of the news report that makes Bill O'Reilly stand up and say "Oh crap! Not him again!" It's the all-encompassing Hollywood eye many people refer to as…


All the News, New and Improved

Someone may be playing with his Salty Chocolate Balls…
Last week, I reported that Isaac Hayes quit his vocal role as Chef on "South Park" because it made fun of religion, specifically Scientology. However, Roger Friedman of Fox News reports that Hayes did not quit "South Park", and hinted that the Church of Scientology may have quit for him.

Friedman wrote that Hayes was in no position to have quit anything. Contrary to news reports, the great writer, singer and musician suffered a stroke on Jan. 17th. At the time it was said that he was hospitalized and suffering from exhaustion. "It's also absolutely ridiculous to think that Hayes, who loved playing Chef on ‘South Park,' would suddenly turn against the show because they were poking fun at Scientology," Friedman wrote.

"Last November, when the ‘Trapped in a Closet' episode of the comedy aired, I saw Hayes and spent time with him in Memphis for the annual Blues Ball. If he hated the show so much, I doubt he would have performed his trademark hit song from the show, ‘Chocolate Salty Balls.' He tossed the song into the middle of one of his less salacious hits and got the whole audience in the Memphis Pyramid to sing along."

As recently as early January, before his stroke, Hayes defended the "South Park" creators in an interview with "The AV Club," the serious side of the satirical newspaper, The Onion.

AV Club: They did just do an episode that made fun of your religion, Scientology. Did that bother you?
Hayes: Well, I talked to Matt [Stone] and Trey [Parker] about that. They didn't let me know until it was done. I said, 'Guys, you have it all wrong. We're not like that. I know that's your thing, but get your information correct, because somebody might believe that [expletive], you know?' But I understand what they're doing. I told them to take a couple of Scientology courses and understand what we do. [Laughs.]

Friedman continues, "But it's hard to know anything since Hayes, like Katie Holmes, is constantly monitored by a Scientologist representative most of the time. Luckily, at the Blues Ball he was on his own, partying just with family and friends. He was very excited about having gotten married and about the impending birth of a new child. Friends in Memphis tell me that Hayes did not issue any statements on his own about South Park. They are mystified.

"‘Isaac's been concentrating on his recuperation for the last two and a half, three months,' a close friend told me."

Hayes did not suffer paralysis, but the mild stroke may have affected his speech and his memory, and has been doing home therapy since it happened.

This just got a little interesting. If Friedman and his sources are correct, then Hayes wouldn't have the ability to issue a press release or even consider his role in "South Park." Frankly, I'm surprised that Matt Stone and Trey Parker weren't informed of Hayes' stroke though. How things play out now will be intriguing. I'm sure Matt and Trey won't take all of this lying down.

WENN reports that Parker and Stone have filmed a last-minute episode of "South Park" in response to Hayes' request to be released from his contract because the show mocked his religion. Because South Park episodes only take six days to create, Stone and Parker were able to react to the current controversy soon after it happened. According to a Comedy Central press release, the show will feature, "The triumphant homecoming of school chef Jerome McElroy. While Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman are thrilled to have their old friend back, they notice that something about Chef seems different. When Chef's strange behavior starts getting him in trouble, the boys pull out all stops to save him."

I really hope that Trey and Matt talked to Issac before they made the show to see if he really wanted to quit. If they didn't, and Friedman is right, then things could get ugly.

The Celebrity Sex Tape Minute™
With the proliferation of celebrity sex tapes now in circulation (and if Jane Fonda has one, you know it's a trend), I've decided to start this new section of the Warped News to report the latest rumors and finding regarding this tantalizing subject. Personally, I would have gone with the title "When Celebrities Can't Lock Sh*t Up", but that would have been too blunt.

Colin Farrell's ex-girlfriend, former Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain, will receive a $3 million advance payment if the sex tape the couple made together is released. According to TheSmokingGun.com, Farrell is suing Narain and trying to stop the release of the sex tape they made three years ago during a brief romance.

The website has posted document showing Narain signed a deal with Internet Commerce Group (ICG) in October 2005, for a seven-figure payout to distribute the 14-minute video. The agreement guarantees Narain $100,000 whether or not the explicit video can be marketed, and also calls for her legal fees to be paid up to $60,000. Farrell is seeking general and compensatory damages, as well as an injunction prohibiting the promotion and sale of the tape. Superior Court Judge Elihu Berle quashed Narain's request to have the case dismissed Monday and advised her lawyers to file a response to Farrell's suit instead.

Frankly, I wouldn't want to see Colin Farrell having sex. Nicole Narain, however, I would. If she's so interested in making money on a sex tape, she should just get into porn. She wouldn't be the first Playboy Bunny to do so. And with a body like this…

…she could make a lot of money.

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…

According to hopeless drug addict, Tom Sizemore, Elizabeth Hurley had a steamy affair with him while she was still with Hugh Grant. The so-to-be Whizinator celebrity spokesman told British newspaper News of the World he enjoyed several nights of passion with Hurley in 1992 as the pair filmed Passenger 57.

Sizemore, who claims to have bedded over 2,000 women, said, "Liz is as sexy as it gets - a wild woman who knows what she wants and isn't afraid to ask for it. I fell totally head over heals in love with her. Hugh was back in London and I really thought I'd win her over. It gave me great pleasure thinking of Hugh's smug, handsome face every time I was in bed with his girlfriend!"

Of course this is the same guy who said that he had 40 women on his 40th birthday and that he'd stop taking drugs. Oh yeah, he also said that he had sex with Paris Hilton. Well, that one's almost believable.

Well, to the woman who may or may not have had sex with a sleazeball like Sizemore, a photo tribute:




Reason #14565 why Reality TV needs to die. Reason #1: It sucks.
According to the Associated Press, seven residents of a Uruguayan town were killed last Friday when they were run over by a train they were moving manually as part of a reality television show aimed at raising funds for a local hospital.

Several hundred townspeople from Young, about 235 miles west of the capital of Montevideo, were hauling a locomotive and two attached cars down a track — pushing and pulling from different sides — when some participants fell under the wheels, said a police department spokesman.

Several other people were hurt in Friday's accident, three of them critically. Eyewitness Ana Portela told a local radio station that the train was moving when "somebody slipped and fell under the locomotive, and others were falling alongside it."

"There were shouts and somebody said 'my arm!'" Portela said. "Everybody was in a state of shock."

The residents were taking part in the program "A Challenge to the Heart," in which Uruguayan communities can raise funds for local charities by completing difficult tasks set by the network, in this case moving a train a certain distance down railroad tracks.

"We're deeply saddened and Channel 10 offers its solidarity and support to the families involved in this unexpected tragedy that came, in fact, while they were trying to help others," said a spokeswoman for the network airing the reality show. Of course, the network, in the ever-widening generosity, failed to offer any money to compensate for people losing their lives pushing a train in a stunt for cheap ratings. Sure, all of it was for a good cause, but usually humiliating people isn't a good way of doing it. I'm not sure how pulling a train would humiliate someone…unless they fell under it. However, I'm going by the American model for Reality TV.

Hi! I'm Death. I'll be your Fourth Horseman today.
Buy your duck tape and bottled water now. Because there's a nuclear Armeggadon a-happening soon. Contact Music.com reports that both Nicky and Paris Hilton are making an animated TV show about their lives, in the same vein as "The Simpsons". The American siblings have spoken to Interscope executive Ted Fields, who will make the series and hope to air it on US television.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! WHY WON'T THEY DIE? WHY WON'T THEY DI-HIIIIIIIEEEEEEE?????? *sobs uncontrolably*


Aaaaand I'm back. Look, I understand how people cling to their last remaining seconds of their 15 minutes of fame. It's almost a survival instinct. But it's also how you become a media whore. And we all know how much of a whore Paris already is.
It's time for the Hilton Sisters, America and the rest of the world to come to grips with this concept: this planet cannot afford another person who is famous just for being famous. We already have Joan and Melissa Rivers. We can't afford two more. Sure, being spoiled brat heiresses may drive your self-absorbed parents crazy, but there's no need to share the wealth.

However, it will be interesting to see what they do with the first episode. Maybe it will be a tutorial on how billionaires crash charity fund-raisers without paying. D'oh!

Bruce Lee – The Musical?
IMDB.com reports that Bruce Lee is set to be the subject of a new Broadway musical featuring music provided by David Bowie. To me, that has to be one of the most surreal sentences I have ever written.

Theatre bosses want the show to be ready to premiere in 2008. According to Variety.com, Tony Award-winner David Henry Hwang has been hired to write the musical and Matthew Warchus is reportedly onboard to direct. Bowie has been linked to project because he was recently spotted chatting with Wachus in Toronto, Canada - where Warchus is poised to launch his new The Lord Of The Rings musical. The Bruce Lee musical follows hot in the footsteps of plans for a musical based on kung fu movie Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

I'm still stunned. What, pray tell, in Bruce Lee's life makes you think that it's best shown in song? I can halfway understand the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon musical. It might be cool with the wire-work and love story. But, converting The Chinese Connection into a musical just doesn't cut it.

She's definitely "A Dame To Kill For"…
Actress Rosario Dawson has confirmed reports Angelina Jolie will be signing on for the sequel to Sin City and production on the film is on hold while the star is pregnant. Jolie is currently expecting a baby with Brad Pitt, but is eager to co-star with Dawson, who will reprise her part as rogue hooker Gail in the movie.

Jolie is rumored to be playing the role of "A Dame To Kill For" in the next installment of the film. Dawson says, "The film's kind of been postponed because Robert [Rodriguez] has been interested in Angelina Jolie for the lead. But she's very pregnant right now. So that's putting an understandable hold on the film."

The second film will be based on Frank Miller's graphic novel stories "A Dame to Kill For" and "Lost, Lonely and Lethal," according to website, MovieHole.net.

Interesting news. I'm glad to see a sequel in the works. I just hope the work on the stories just a little bit more. As good as the first film was, the stories were the weakest link. Strengthen up the stories, and provide the same striking visuals, and you will have a legendary film.

Things just got a little more interesting…
As the Anthony Pellicano wiretapping case continues, more news, and more ramifications for Hollywood, become public. Nicole Kidman was reportedly questioned by the FBI over Pellicano's alleged, illegal wiretapping.

A recording of the actress talking to her ex-husband Tom Cruise was found in Pellicano's office in 2002, reports gossip site PageSix.com. The recording was made shortly after the couple announced they were splitting in February 2001. During their divorce, Cruise hired Los Angeles matrimonial lawyer Dennis Wasser - who had often used Pellicano's services - while Kidman was represented by New York lawyer Bill Beslow, who consulted private detective Richie Di Sabatino.

Sabatino admits he was stunned to hear Kidman had allegedly been taped, saying, "We swept her phones and put on an encryption device, so she couldn't be wire-tapped. We tried to keep one step ahead. (The tapes the FBI heard) was probably from Tom's phone. Pellicano used to tap his own clients."

Pellicano pleaded not guilty last month to charges of racketeering, interception of electronic communications and other offences in a Los Angeles court. Besides Kidman and Cruise, the private investigator has also been accused of tapping the phones of Sylvester Stallone, Keith Carradine and producer Aaron Russo.

Beside the obvious question of why anyone would want to wiretap Keith Carradine's phone, the big question still remains if Cruise or any other high-profile actors/studio executives used Pellicano to illegally wiretap other actors/executives. We could have a huge industrial espionage or power-freak stalking actor story in the works.

Now here's a museum I'd visit…
The California Science Center will host the world premiere of "Marvel Super Heroes Science Exhibition" beginning March 26, 2006. The exhibit will run through September 4, 2006.

The exhibition will feature interactive experiences that will encourage visitors to learn about real life science and technology through the heroes of the Marvel Universe. "'Marvel Super Heroes' is a wonderful avenue to introduce visitors to the remarkable achievements of current science and technology—achievements that in many ways give us special powers we dream of through the comics, such as Doc Ock's dexterity with prosthetics, Iron Man's physical strength, and Daredevil's sight in the face of blindness," said Jeffrey N. Rudolph, President of the California Science Center.

In this exhibition, visitors can can:

-See if their senses are as sharp as Daredevil's when they navigate through an alleyway using their sense of touch and hearing clues ("psst over here")
-Investigate the Incredible Hulk's brain and learn which areas are responsible for generating human emotions such as rage—the key to Hulk's super abilities
-Discover what it's like to have a helping hand or three with Doctor Octopus through the engineering technology of prosthetic limbs
-Examine how lightning is created and calculate the distance of a thunderstorm that destroys a villain in the Storm exhibit.
-See how an optical illusion known as motion-induced blindness can make the Invisible Woman disappear
-Visitors can also become a real life Iron Man by stepping into an exo-suit to lift a Scion xB, a vehicle weighing nearly 2500 lbs. By experimenting with simple levers and pulleys to lift weights, they will learn what the future holds for increasing human strength.

The exhibition features over 9,000 sq. ft. of interactive experiences developed, designed and fabricated by Yellowbrick-Holman Exhibition Inc. in partnership with the Ontario Science Centre. After its debut in Los Angeles, the Ontario Science Centre will tour "Marvel Super Heroes" to other science centers and museums in North America.

How cool is this? You can become Iron Man! There's a fantastic book out there called The Science of the X-Men by Linc Yaco. He explores the possible scientific explanations behind the powers of our favorite mutant team. It's a very interesting and engaging book, especially if you are not as scientifically inclined…like me.

Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner: the THREE 6 MAFIA.

Members of Oscar-winning musical group Three 6 Mafia are 'pimping out' their Oscar around Los Angeles in order to gain access to the hottest nightclubs. The rappers, who won Best Original Song for "It's Hard Out Here For A Pimp" from the movie Hustle & Flow, have made their Oscar statuette an official member of their entourage.

According to IMDB.com, the rap group rolled up to hot spot Lobby last Thursday and were told only four people would be allowed per table, because the club was already crowded. One of the group's members pulled the statue out of a paper bag and asked, "This little man count?" A source tells Us Weekly, "Mr. Oscar sat on prime club real-estate, neatly placed on the center of the group's table, surrounded by gazers observing that glowing complexion in awe."

How sad is it that you use an Oscar statue to get into a club? Just because you beat Wayland Flower's Madame and her transsexual song, it doesn't mean you deserve anything but a statue and some praise. If you're really that good, the club would know who you are and let you in. You shouldn't need the statue to get VIP.

For tooling out their Oscar, the Three 6 Mafia are the:

Craftsman 6 in. Buffer/Polisher
Sears item #00910720000 Mfr. model #10720
3800 random orbits per minute matched to precision-tuned counterweight
system simulates hand polishing motion for a swirl-free shine. Counterweight
system reduces vibration for smooth operation.

The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Yet another fantastic, trademarked segment to pay tribute to the ever-growing mistakes made by network journalists and 24-hour news networks. This award is to honor the great Bill O'Reilly, who's constant blathering continues to tell us lowly "ham and eggers" what journalism really is. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. We wouldn't know bad journalism without you. *sarcasm included for free*

According to Studio Briefing, the president of the Radio and Television News Directors Association has expressed alarm over a report that local TV stations are increasingly pitching advertisers' product-placement deals within news programs.

In an interview with Reuters, Barbara Cochran said, "If viewers start thinking your news is for sale, then the credibility of your news is lost and your audience is lost." Cochran was referring to a report that appeared in the Hollywood Reporter this week, which claimed that several local stations, including KRON-TV in San Francisco and Spanish-language KMEX in Los Angeles, had confirmed that they had integrated products into local newscasts as part of deals with advertisers to buy packages of spots on their stations.

KRON President and GM Mark Antonitis told the trade publication, "When you're an independent, you've got to do what you can to survive. You bank on your credibility as a news organization every day, but you also have to be successful as a business. You have to be creative for your advertisers without compromising the credibility of your news organization."

Well, product placement definitively compromises your credibility. If your newscasts and anchors are for sale, then it's not a complete jump in logic to think that your news is for sale. I've already blasted news broadcasts for accepting money from the Bush government to broadcast pre-produced info pieces as their own. It's unethical and smacks of propaganda. Selling your broadcast (in ways other than blocked TV commercial spots) sells out your ethics and your integrity. Sure, it's hard to compete, but if your news broadcast loses its integrity, why have a news broadcast?

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
Shannon Elizabeth's estranged husband Joseph D. Reitman is seeking half of the property and assets they accumulated during their eight years living together. The 37-year-old actor began living with Elizabeth in 1997, and the couple married in Mexico in June 2002. They announced their separation in March 2005.

Reitman has filed papers in Los Angeles Superior Court, claiming the couple spent their five years of co-habiting prior to their marriage under the agreement "to be equal partners in the acquisition of assets and in financial affairs whether such transactions were separate or joint." Reitman claims he put his own his career on hold to support Elizabeth, saying, "Enhanced by plaintiff's coaching, connections, training, assistance and efforts, defendant (Elizabeth) was able to become a successful actress."

Whatever. I'm sure if she could become a decent poker player without him, she could become a decent actress without him. With her face and body, she's a shoe-in without any help.





From Pimpstick To Pulpit



The 411 Top 5 has returned featuring our picks for the best nude scenes in Hollywood history. Yet, no pictures. What's up with that?

In his latest Hardywood Hollar, David Hardy gives you more news you can use, movie reviews and haikus. Believe me, I wasn't even TRYING to rhyme! Plus, David, all I see in Spidey's eye is the inside of Spidey's arm. I'm having trouble seeing any woman or Venom or anything else. Maybe I'm just blind.

Arnold Furious gives you five more quick reviews of current films like Mr. & Mrs. Smith and classic noir films like The Big Sleep in his latest Furious On Film.

Over at The Vicious TV News Wrap, Mr. Vicious Goes to Washington…or its 411 equivalent, as he campaigns to be 411Mania.com President. You got to give me more than Kobe Tai. I need some Devon Michaels and Jenna Jamison. Is this reference cheap enough to give you a visual of Ms. Michaels? I think it is!



Personally, I don't know why I'd pimp Ask 411 Movies because he supports Bucknell. But, Leonard Hayhurst is one of my editors and an overall good guy. Plus, he answers all your Oscar upset questions and a lot more. By the way, F**K BRADLEY, TOO! Not that I'm bitter or anything…


Coming to a theatre near you…

New to theatres…
Inside Man: Denzel, Jodie and Clive. Oh my!
Larry the Cable Guy-Health Inspector: Git ‘r done…somewhere else.
Stay Alive: Please kill off Frankie Muniz first!

Also in theatres…
V For Vendetta: Review #1, Review #2 and Review #3
She's the Man: Review
Failure to Launch: Review.
The Hills Have Eyes: Review #1 and Review #2
The Libertine: Johnny Depp in another pompous costume drama.
The Shaggy Dog: Curses to Disney and Tim Allen for remaking this. Goodbye childhood.
16 Blocks: Review
Ultraviolet: The Grandaddy of Suckage. Check out my review, as well as Brian Kristopowitz's review.
Aquamarine: Review
Dave Chappelle's Block Party: Review
Running Scared: Review
Doogal: Sucks.
Madea's Family Reunion: Review
Date Movie: Poor Allyson. Review #1 and Review #2.
Eight Below: Review
Curious George: Review
The Pink Panther: Heard it wasn't half as bad I thought it would be. Review #1 and Review #2
Firewall: Review #1 and Review #2
Something New: Review
When a Stranger Calls: Review
Annapolis: Review
Big Momma's House 2: Review
The Matador: Review
End of the Spear: Review
Underworld-Evolution: Review #1 and Review #2.
Munich: Review #1 and Review #2
Brokeback Mountain: Review


That's it for another Thursday. I gotta cut this off short so I can get to the games. Until next week, see ya!