Warped News 03.30.06: The “Snake Balls of Fury” Edition

Posted by Cris Murphy on 03.30.2006

Where “sipping love juice” takes on several meanings…and get your head out of the gutter you pervert!

Welcome back, dear readers, to yet another edition of my favorite Thursday movie and television news report. The fact that it is my report and it's the only one on this site on Thursdays makes no difference to me. If I was not me and was reading this column, I would read it all the same.

Now that I've stepped out of myself to complement myself, it's nice to be back after all of my recuperating. Last week, I spent the better part of 5 days watching more college basketball than man is genetically equipped to handle. The National Junior College Athletic Association national basketball championship was held where I live, and my father comes up every year to see it. That means I see as many games as I can in a 5-day period. I watched 20 games last week, and that's not counting the Sweet 16 and Elite 8 games in the NCAA tournament. My butt, as they say, is sore. However, I had a good time with my father, and he paid for all the meals. So, you can't beat that with a stick.

But enough of ballers who dribble too much, shoot too many 3-pointers and do too many fancy moves to impress big name coaches scouting the event who didn't come to see fancy dribbling, shooting and moves. It's time to alley this oop into another slam dunk edition of…


All the News, New and Improved

R.I.P. – The man behind Majestyk
According to IMDB.com, veteran director Richard Fleischer died on Saturday of natural causes at the Motion Picture And Television Hospital in Los Angeles. He was 89.

The 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea director's death has sparked a flurry of tributes from Hollywood's finest - including California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who worked with Fleischer on 1984's Conan The Destroyer. Schwarzenegger says, "(He was) a true Hollywood legend. He was a man of great talent and an extraordinary director."

Fleischer was born into a showbiz family - his father, Max Fleischer, was the animator behind Betty Boop, Popeye and Superman. Starting off making B-movies in the late 1940s, Fleischer quickly made a name for himself, going on to direct hits including Tora! Tora! Tora!, Mr. Majestyk with Charles Bronson, and the Rex Harrison Doctor Dolittle. Fleischer is survived by his wife Mary, their three children and five grandchildren.

Fleischer was a true talent in Hollywood. He came from great stock, and I'm a huge fan of his father's. However, I also grew up with Dr. Dolittle, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea and Conan the Destroyer. All fantastic films which centered around different genres. He could do it all. Our hearts, prayers and sincere condolences go out to Fleischer's family and friends.

The Bluths are out of business…
According to a report by the San Francisco Gate, "Arrested Development", one of the critically praised but low-rated shows Fox can't market so they axed it, will not be resurrected on Showtime as rumors circulating for months have suggested.

A source close to the negotiations said that creator Mitch Hurwitz had decided after a lengthy period of debating an offer from Showtime that "Arrested Development reached its end, creatively, as a series." Reached on his cell phone while filming a movie in Toronto, star Jason Bateman said he had mixed emotions about the news, saying he was sad for the series to end but happy that the beloved series will live on DVD for people to enjoy.

"I'm so proud of it and so like it as a TV fan that I'm happy we're not going to get a chance to screw it up," he said, in the deadpan style of Michael Bluth. "Our luck wouldn't have held. There would have been cast fighting. We would have messed it up."

Though Fox hasn't even officially canceled the series, Fox entertainment President Peter Liguori said months ago that the network was moving on. For a series that never attained more than cult status, "Arrested Development" set off one of the strangest behind-the-scenes bidding wars when it was clear Fox had given up on it. At first, Showtime was interested in picking up the series and moving it to pay cable, where it would not only add significant value to the Showtime lineup but also be immune to the ratings pressure of broadcast television.

Then word came that ABC wanted to get into the bidding. Once the ABC interest surfaced, sources inside Fox said the network became worried that it would suffer great embarrassment if it lost the series to a rival that managed to make it a hit. That's partly why no official cancellation came from Fox.

The Showtime offer was reportedly for two 12-episode seasons, with the entire cast coming back. Though the deal was on the table for some time, Hurwitz sounded out cast members about whether it made sense for the show to continue. Noted for his work on getting all the details right (not just the writing, but the visual humor and the ceaseless references to past episodes and previous punch lines), Hurwitz ended up putting an inordinate amount of time into the series, and no doubt that workload played a part in his decision to pass on the Showtime offer.

It's too bad that this show won't get a second chance. However, it's nice to know that Hurwitz was able to end it on his terms. Not every producer gets that chance…especially if they're on Fox. *coughFireflycough*

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Never Too Late Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…

According to Contact Music.com, 59 year-old blonde bombshell, Loni Anderson, would only consider posing nude if she was promised a lifetime supply of Manolo Blahnik shoes or La Perla lingerie. The actress has been at the top of Hugh Hefner's wish list for years, but she has always declined his generous offers to appear nude in his publication.

She says, "Hugh started coming at me when I was 17... but I always thought of my daughter or my son or my granddaughters - you don't want them going to school with, 'Here's mom' (naked in a magazine)." But Anderson admits she'd consider a saucy offer if executives of her two favorite companies, Manolo Blahnik and La Perla, ever came calling. She adds, "I'd be in my underwear for La Perla. I'd seriously consider that."

And while I'll refrain from posting current photos of her, I'd like to give a historical pictorial tribute to the "WKRP In Cincinnati" hottie that jump-started my puberty…




Someone may be playing with his Salty Chocolate Balls…Part Deux
Last week, I reported that Isaac Hayes may not have quit his vocal role as Chef on "South Park" because it made fun of religion, specifically Scientology. The Church of Scientology may have quit for him. Well, color Fox News wrong.

This week, World Entertainment News Networks reports that Hayes slammed the Fox News report that a stroke was the real reason he quit South Park. Last week, Fox's Roger Friedman claimed Hayes had suffered a stroke in January and a mystery person has issued a press release on his behalf, declaring his reasons for leaving the program.

Hayes insists his health has nothing to do with his decision to leave the show, and says the only time he went into hospital was to receive treatment for high blood pressure and exhaustion. His spokeswoman Amy Harnell says, "That's a false report. He wasn't in the hospital for very long. He's back on his feet, and Doing really well. The press release did come from him. He is the one who decided to leave South Park. Basically, he decided to leave it behind him."

Well, I guess he's an asshole again. What can I say? You can't really be sure until it comes from the horse's ass…or in this case, his publicist (the surrogate ass).

The Celebrity Sex Tape Minute™
With the proliferation of celebrity sex tapes now in circulation (and if Jane Fonda has one, you know it's a trend), I've decided to start this new section of the Warped News to report the latest rumors and finding regarding this tantalizing subject. Personally, I would have gone with the title "When Celebrities Can't Lock Sh*t Up", but that would have been too blunt.

This may not be a sex tape, but it's the next best thing. It appears that another Britney Spears nude photo scandal may be on the horizon. According to the National Ledger, an online casino has dished out $40,000 for nude pictures of Mrs. Cletus T. Federline...nude as a teen…which may have even been taken by then-boyfriend Justin Timberlake.

The Enquirer is reporting that a friend of Britney says the star "is flipping out." She's even more furious because "the whole thing is a put up job - the photos are Britney's head put on someone else's body," the friend tells the magazine. Photoshopped photos on the internet? NEVER!

But the web site reportedly claims they are of Spears as a teen completely nude. The report then points out that Brit and JT were distraught after thieves broke into their Florida vacation home and made off with some stolen home videos back in 2001. It's not clear if they are saying that's where these photos came from and they don't name the web site. Timberlake's rep was presented with the web site's claim and replied, "It is complete bull." Sure they are. JT wants to claim them, but he doesn't want to look like a prick.

The question is, how old was she when those pictures were taken? If the answer is anything before 18, then an online casino, Justin Timberlake and those who sold it may get charged with child pornography. However, the most likely scenario is that she was 18 or 19, and this, somehow, comes as no surprise to anyone.

Oh, a flattering picture of Mrs. Cletus back when she was uber-hot? Certainly!



And it wouldn't be a 7-day week without news of yet another celebrity sex tape. Only this time, it involves a famous actress, another woman and a horse. No, it's not Madonna and Sandra Bernhard doing a donkey show in Mexico.

Contact Music.com reports that a video showing actress Sienna Miller cavorting naked with another woman and a horse has appeared on the internet. The footage was reportedly shot behind the scenes at a 2003 Pirelli calendar shoot Miller took part in before she found fame, but the Alfie actress is unlikely to be fazed by the publication of the images. She recently said in an interview, "I know what I do best - get naked!"

Yeah, but with a horse? I'm sure there's no beastiality here. And I never thought I would have to type "beastiality" into this news report ever.

Who is Sienna Miller? Why, I'm glad you asked!


That's Snakes on a Muther-Freakin' Plane to you, biatches!
There's a lot of buzz about the upcoming Samuel L. Jackson thriller, Snakes On A Plane. The coolest title of a film ever has created such a buzz among internet film fans, movie bosses have called for re-shoots - to give the film a tougher rating. That's something you don't hear too often. They're trying to get an "R" rating.

The film, which stars Jackson as an FBI agent trying to keep a federal witness alive onboard a plane full of snakes, wrapped last September, but went back before the cameras earlier this month for five days of additional shooting. The Hollywood Reporter writes that New Line Cinema opted to add new scenes to the film to take the movie from PG-13 into R-rated territory.

They claim the second round of filming became necessary after intense and growing fan interest in the film, which is scheduled to be released this summer. Among the reported additions to the film is a foul-mouthed rant from Jackson in which his agent character bellows, "I want these motherf**king snakes off the motherf**king plane!" The line is expected to take on cult status. The film-makers have reportedly added more gore, more deaths, more nudity and more snakes to the finished product. This might be the only horror/thriller movie I'll go see this year.

C'mon. Admit it. Nothing can beat the title "Snakes On a Plane." It just sums up the entire feeling of this film. They really can't miss with this no matter how bad it may be. Because everyone knows that it'll be slightly camp, and they'll go to see what kind of film would be attached to the title Snakes On a Plane and stars Sam "Bad Mutha F**ker" Jackson. It's all about the title, baby!

Forget Snakes On a Plane. It's time for Balls of Fury!
Just when I thought you couldn't beat Sam Jackson, snakes and planes, here comes Christopher Walken and ping-pong. Variety reports that Christopher Walken is set to star alongside Dan Fogler in Balls of Fury, a ping-pong comedy written by "Reno 911" creators Thomas Lennon and Robert Ben Garant.

Walken plays Fang, an evil crime lord who is also a ping-pong enthusiast. Fogler, the Tony-winning star of "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee," plays a disgraced player enlisted by the CIA to join a tournament held in Fang's lair. Lennon plays the comeback kid's East German nemesis. Doesn't this sound a lot like a ping-pong version of Enter the Dragon? Will Walken be missing a hand, but can insert a ping-pong paddle into his stump, like Kang's kung-fu bear claw? ‘Cause that would be cool.

All of this stems from the popularity of Dodgeball, so you can expect more obscure sports comedies in the near future. However, with Christopher Walken on board (and the man knows how to pick scripts), and the film being written by the guys behind "Reno 911", it sounds like Balls of Fury will be the shot to the crotch that everyone has been looking for.

Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: PORN STARS IN THE NEWS™, brought to you by Kleenex Tissues
Yet another regular feature debuts today. A growing trend in today's media circus is the amount of mainstream media outlets that report on the activities of porn stars. I will always be on the cutting edge of trends, so I shall give you the best "porn stars in mainstream media reports" that I can.

Reuters gets in on the act as it reports about a new wine hitting the market by sultry porn star Savanna Samson. Because if you think about it, it seems like the perfect gimmick: a celebrity porn star would launch her own wine, with her alluring picture on the label. The funny thing is Savanna Samson's wine did more than just that…it received a score of 90 to 91 out of 100 by wine guru Robert Parker. Just don't ask how she crushes the grapes.

It turns out Samson, the star of The New Devil in Miss Jones, has produced an exceptional wine, becoming the toast of two industries: wine-making and pornography. "I never wanted to just do gimmick. That would just happen with me being a porn star, me having a photographer shoot the label, how risque could I get on the label -- all those things," Samson, the stage name for 31-year-old Natalie Oliveros, said in an interview.

The seriousness of the idea was lining up a respected wine maker. So she convinced Italy's Robert Cipresso, also a vintner to the Vatican, to join the project. The question is HOW did she convince him? Samson went to Tuscany and tasted dozens of Cipresso's Italian-grown varieties, then she selected a mix of 70 percent Cesanese, 20 percent Sangiovese and 10 percent Montepulciano. She ordered over 400 cases.

The result is Sogno Uno, a 2004 vintage of an Italian red wine packaged under the Savanna name with a label of Samson in a see-through gown. It was launched last month. Parker has been called the most influential wine critic in the world, and a score of 90 to 95 denotes "an outstanding wine of exceptional complexity and character." "Trust me, I didn't add any points for Ms. Samson's personal presentation," Parker wrote in his review.

The wine "really represents who I am," said Samson. "There's spiciness -- the Cesanese has the naughty side of me. And yet it's an elegant wine. I love the opera, and I'm a classically trained ballet dancer. And there is some chocolate undertone, which I just love. There's a little bit of sweetness. Like, 10 percent of the time I'm sweet," she said.

She is working on a white wine -- Sogno Due -- that could be out later this year, and also has ideas of expanding into champagne, ice wine and grappa. Samson, who was raised Catholic in upstate New York, said it was pure coincidence that Cipresso also sells wines to the Vatican. She met him through her husband, a wine merchant.

A cultured porn star? How ever will the world turn? I know you want scantly-clad pictures of Ms. Samson, so here it is:


Makes you want to feel her grapes, doesn't it?
And this concludes this week's look at…PORN STARS IN THE NEWS™!

Reason #2 why Reality TV needs to die. Reason #1: It sucks.
So, you like reality shows, do you? Well, it's time to give you a hard dose of reality. They're fake. They're really fake. Producers of reality TV shows go out of their way to manipulate and manufacture drama on their show. Case in point:

The ABC show "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" likes to tug at your heart strings by helping people who are deserving, but down on their luck, by remodeling their home. It's a nice gesture…until you find out how far they'll go to find "captivating stories."

The SmokingGun.com (God bless those guys!) posted an email from Phinel Petit-Frere, an executive from ABC, who passed along a "wishlist" of stories from Charisse Simonian, a producer for "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" that was sent to several ABC affiliates in the southeastern region of the U.S. In her "wishlist", Simonian wrote:

"We are open to any and ALL story ideas and are especially looking for the following:
-Extraordinary Mom/Dad recently diagnosed with ALS
-Family who has child w/PROGERIA (aka ‘little old man disease')
-Congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis, referred to as CIPA by the few people who know about it. (There are 17 known cases in US-let me know if one is in your town!) This is where kids cannot feel any physical pain.
-Muscular Dystrophy Child-Amazing kid who is changing people's views about MD
-MADD/Drunk Driving-Family turns tragedy into triumph after losing a child to drunk driving
-Family who has multiple children w/Down Syndrome (either adopted or biological)
-Amazing/loved Mom or Dad diagnosed w/melanoma/skin cancer
-Home Invasion-family robbed, house messed up (vandalized)-kids fear safety in their home now.
-Victims of hate crime in own home. Family's house victim of arson or severely vandalized"

While some may think this is a loving gesture to ease the pain of those in need, it's not. Basically, they're looking for specific things to exploit for ratings. Helping a simple family who has had a run a bad luck just doesn't crack it any more. They need to continue to up the stakes and give the audience something they haven't had before.

Don't get me wrong. I know a show like this can shed a spotlight on certain diseases, or help bring a community together. It happened in Wichita. But, the family ends up exploited and bad things usually happen afterwards…off camera…just like in Wichita. Someone who would want to exploit a family that has lost a child to a drunk driver or a victim of a hate crime is pretty pathetic, but welcome to reality TV. It's pretty pathetic too. I would make them the Craftsman Tool of the Week™, but that spot is already filled by someone more deserving. Plus, I wouldn't want to name them something they'd eventually use on the show.

Reason #3 why Reality TV needs to die. Reason #1: It sucks.
Paris Hilton once again shows the world her dazzling intellect, when she took a slightly wrong turn off of a yard onto a street on a lawnmower. Yes, she couldn't keep a lawnmower on a lawn.

The British tabloid The Sun was there to capture the egregiously bubble-brained heiress as she strayed off the grass and on to the road while filming an episode of "The Simple Life" in Los Angeles.

Look and laugh:


How, exactly, is this twit famous…or licensed to drive? She can't keep a lawn mower on a lawn!

Reason #15465 why Reality TV needs to die. Reason #1: It sucks.
The Kern High School District in Bakersfield, Calif., fired a 26-year-old substitute teacher after she appeared on a reality TV show. Brooke Thompson appeared on VH1's "Flavor of Love", where Reality TV God Flavor Flav (yet another reason Reality TV should die a painful death) chose a girlfriend out of several contestants. C'mon! If she whored herself out to vie for Flavor Flav's affections, then she should have seen this coming.

At one point during the show, Thompson spit in the face of another contestant. She later said the spit was prompted by a suggestion from the show's producers. You see! Nothing is real on Reality TV! Get used to it!

The district said Thompson was fired because her appearance on the show was too distracting to students. "We had kids that were sticking their heads in the door just to sneak a look at her and that kind of craziness that was just disruptive to the learning process," district spokesman John Tevis said.

Thompson complained that the firing was unfair, but she also said her long-term goals are in entertainment and not education. And that's another reason Reality TV isn't that real. It's not real people. It's wanna-be actors ready to sell their soul and their self-esteem for their only shot of glory. Many of them think they can spin their brief, all-too fleeting fame into a real acting career. Most all of them fail.

I say "Good job!" to the administrators at Bakersfield. If you're on a Reality TV show, you're more likely to be demonstrating the kind of behaviors you don't want your teachers to show to their students. It sets a really bad example. Get rid of them all, I'd say.

Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner: The King of Infinite Tools, SEAN PENN.

The New York Post's Page Six writes that it's a good thing for Ann Coulter that Sean Penn doesn't know voodoo. Penn has a plastic Barbie-like doll of the right-wing pundit that he likes to torture on occasion. Hmmm, I wonder if it's the Abu Ghraib Barbie with Naked On a Dog Leash Ken?

"We violate her," the Infinite Tool tells The New Yorker about his mini-Coulter. "There are cigarette burns in some funny places. She's a pure snake-oil salesman. She doesn't believe a word she says." Coulter mentioned Penn's father, blacklisted director Leo Penn, in her book, "Treason."

As if traveling to New Orleans to save people in a leaky boat completely filled with Penn's entourage wasn't hypocritical enough. For being a sick little monkey and torturing a doll like Lynndie England without a leash, and for being such a tool that I named this section after him, Mr. Penn is the:

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Frankly, I don't know why it's taken this long for Penn to make this list. He's been quiet lately, so he's been hiding under the radar. Finally, Mr. Penn gets this long-deserving honor.

Don't you wish celebrities would just shut the hell up…
Just when you thought The Cooch couldn't be a big enough whore, she proves you wrong. Sharon Stone, in her latest attempt to get her name in the news and promote her upcoming schlock film Basic Instinct 2, proclaims, in her infinite wisdom, that teenagers should practice more oral sex. I'm sure all 15 year-old boys agree with you.

Once again, this should qualify as a Tool of the Week™, but no one can beat Sean Penn. A report from ContactMusic.com says that the 48-year old actress believes that teenagers should be prepared to engage in oral sex, if it saves from them the dangers of an overly aggressive individual that is pushing them to engage in intercourse.

She explains, "I was in the store the other day and I watched a young girl trying on clothes, showing her abdomen. "Her mother was trying to talk to her about not being inappropriately luring. I said, 'Gee that would look much nicer with a camisole under.' "Her mother walked away, and I said to the girl, 'I'd like to give you a two-minute conversation about sex.' Young people talk to me about what to do if they're being pressed for sex? I tell them [what I believe]: oral sex is a hundred times safer than vaginal or anal sex. If you're in a situation where you cannot get out of sex, offer a blow job. I'm not embarrassed to tell them."

Well thank you for chiming in Ms. Stone. Of course, it would be better to teach young women that they really can't and shouldn't be pressured into sexual intercourse of any type by anyone. Young girls should be taught to be strong and say "no" until they're ready. But, when you're a media whore on many levels, you have to up the ante. Of course, before her movie was coming out, she was complaining that actresses get naked too much on camera, and that they shouldn't get naked to advance their careers. Then again, if they're being pressured into this and have no other way out, then they should just give their on-screen beau a blowjob. Worked for Chloe Sevigny.

Don't you wish celebrities would just shut the hell up…Part Deux
Super Size Me filmmaker Morgan Spurlock shocked a Pennsylvania high school last Friday when he joked about the intelligence of McDonald's employees and marijuana-smoking teachers. Ah, what a class act. Spurlock, who was nominated for an Oscar for his 2004 documentary, spoke for an hour to students and teachers at the Hatboro-Horsham High School's health fair in Horsham.

While some of the pupils enjoyed his entertaining speech, special education students and the teachers did not. During the talk, Spurlock mocked "retarded kids in the back wearing Helmets," which prompted teachers to remove the special needs students from the lecture. The school's Superintendent William Lessa says, "If you put the whole package together, the use of the F-word and poking fun at teachers and the comments about special-needs students, it just wasn't appropriate."

While being yet another runner-up for the Tool of the Week™, Spurlock claims he was baffled by the school's response, claiming he has made similar comments at other educational establishments. He remarks, "The greatest lesson those kids learned today was the importance of free speech." Too bad no one will learn the greater lesson of responsibility of that free speech. Of course if I had a speech with him in attendance, and talked at length about how retarded Super Size Me was because it was 2 hours of explaining the obvious…Hey! You get fat if all you eat is McDonald's food...I'm sure he'd up and leave. And he wouldn't be talking about freedom of speech either.

And just when you thought a nice alternative to Michael Moore comes along…

Don't you wish celebrities would just shut the hell up…Part Trey
Former coke-head Charlie Sheen refuses to accept the official explanation behind the terrorist atrocities of September 11, 2001, and believes the U.S. government covered up what really happened. Umm, 3 planes hit 3 buildings? Care to elaborate?

WENN reports that the conspiracy theorist Sheen claims the Twin Towers fell as the result of a "controlled demolition." What were the planes? Holograms? Talking on the radio program The Alex Jones Show on the GGN network, he said, "It seems to me like 19 amateurs with box-cutters taking over four commercial airliners and hitting 75 per cent of their targets, that feels like a conspiracy theory. It raises a lot of questions. A couple of years ago, it was severely unpopular to talk about any of this. It feels like from the people I talk to, and the research I've done and around my circles, it feels like the worm is turning."

Sheen also cast doubt over the plane that smashed into the side of the Pentagon in Washington DC. He added, "Just show us how this particular plane pulled off these maneuvers... It is up to us to reveal the truth. It is up to us because we owe it to the families, we owe it to the victims, we owe it to everyone's life who was drastically altered, horrifically, that day and forever. We owe it to them to uncover what happened."

My cousin was driving to work in Washington D.C. on September 11th, 2001. She saw the plane crash into the Pentagon. Her husband called in sick that day, and would have been in the Pentagon (he's an Army doctor who was stationed there) when the plane crashed. I don't know what Sheen wants, because it's obvious that first-hand accounts of eyewitnesses really don't matter that much to him.

If you want to think the Bush Administration was behind the 9/11 attacks, you're entitled to your opinion…however stupid they may be. And I'm not sticking up for the Bush Administration because there are some things about this that they are accountable for. But it takes a whole new kind of stupid to think that planes didn't crash into buildings that thousands of people on-site and millions at home watched with their own eyes. That all the people who were called by loved ones on the planes didn't really talk to them because the planes were never hijacked.

Sure, it was a controlled demolition. Hijackers rammed a 747 into a building at high speed…on purpose. Seems pretty controlled to me. What a f**king tool! You can't get more stupid or arrogant than that! I should make him the Tool of the Week™, but with Sean Penn there…F**K IT! I've talked myself into it! Forget Sean Penn. He's nothing of the tool that coke-head Charlie Sheen is! For ignoring eyewitnesses, first-hand accounts, the memories of those who died in the tragedy, and for forgetting that you were married to extremely hot Denise Richards when you cheated on her in a coke-induced haze with a coke-induced porn-slut, you are the:

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And now…a hero sighting!
With all the crappy things Hollywood does to society (bad films, exploiting the needy, opening their ill-informed traps, etc.), it's nice to see a Hollywood figure do something good for humanity. Our hero this week is Matt Dillon.

According to the World Entertainment News Network, the Crash star saved a woman from two thugs. Dillon was driving in Los Angeles when he saw the lone female being harassed by the pair, and saved the day when he grabbed a gold club from the back of his car, leaped out and frightened the assailants off.

Matt Dillon: An honorable man. God bless you, Matt Dillon. Plus, your brother rocks in "Entourage." VIC-tor-EEEEE!

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "How does he get laid?" Edition
I'm not going to cover the FHM Hottest 100 Women that was announced this week. Scarlett Johannson won. Angelina Jolie was second. The top 10 were filled with hot actresses that I've done a number of tributes to in the past. I would just be repeating myself. And I don't want to do that…

So, I'll just report on how that FES guy on "That 70's Show" gets laid more than brick at a Mason's convention. Wilmer Valderrama spilled the beans on a bunch of his Hollywood sex conquests during an appearance on Howard Stern's morning radio program.

Among his revelations were that Lindsay Lohan was one of the best girl's he's ever had slept with, Ashlee Simpson was loud in bed and he rated Jennifer Love Hewitt an 8 out of 10 when it came to sex. The actor talked about his sexual prowess in detail, claiming that he has been with two women at once and also engaged in anal sex with a famous actress, who he refused to name. (My guess is Paris Hilton or maybe even Sharon Stone.)

The star discussed dating singer/actress Mandy Moore, whom he met when she guest starred on his hit show, saying they were each other's "first loves." Ah, how cute. Valderrama claims he is "blessed" when it comes to penis size, clocking in at "slightly bigger" than eight inches. In guys speak, that means he hovers around 6 inches. We always tack on an inch or two, especially if we're talking penis sizes on national radio.

Please forgive me, but I still can't understand how this guy…

…gets laid by some of the hottest chicks in Hollywood? Should I be impressed? Should I have hope that if he can score with these actresses, so can I? Or should I just be pissed that he takes his really bad foreign accent and acting skills and bankrolls them into hot Hollywood sex? I'll go with the latter.

So here's a tribute to a women who had her sex life publicly dissected for Howard Stern's enjoyment. Ms. Mandy Moore:






From Pimpstick To Pulpit

More Snakes On a Plane and haikus at the Hardywood Hollar with your host, David Hardy.

Steve Vicious gets a segment named after him here at the Warped News, so he can't be all bad, can he? Check out his Vicious TV News Wrap for Micha Barton photos, TV news, and the longest pimp 411Mania has ever seen…and it's to me!

What are our favorite movie action scenes? Take a look at the latest 411 Top 5. How's this for the greatest fight scene in cinematic history? The realism is just eye-popping!

Something pops out as Will Helm takes us on a journey that is Rhinestone in his latest Misunderstood Masterpieces.

Luke Duke gets arrested for drunk driving, and Leonard Hayhurst is there with more questions and answers at Ask 411 Movies.

How can I pimp everyone else without pimping my own look at the upcoming Superman book, "The Man From Krypton"?

Finally, want to see Vin Diesel breakdance…Old School style? I thought you would.


Coming to a theatre near you…

New to theatres…
ATL: How good can it be to make a film around a rapper I've never heard of?
Ice Age 2: I heard there's poo jokes, so it can't be that bad.
Basic Instinct 2: The Cooch returns! Huzzah!
Slither: Ugh. The terror would be to pay money to see this.

Also in theatres…
Inside Man: As good as you think. Review #1 and Review #2
Larry the Cable Guy-Health Inspector: Why make this? Review.
Stay Alive: Just awful. Review #1 and Review #2
Deep Sea 3D (IMAX): Review
V For Vendetta: Review #1, Review #2 and Review #3
She's the Man: Review
Failure to Launch: Review.
The Hills Have Eyes: Review #1 and Review #2
The Libertine: Johnny Depp in another pompous costume drama.
The Shaggy Dog: Curses to Disney and Tim Allen for remaking this. Goodbye childhood.
16 Blocks: Review
Ultraviolet: The Grandaddy of Suckage. Check out my review, as well as Brian Kristopowitz's review.
Aquamarine: Review
Dave Chappelle's Block Party: Review
Running Scared: Review
Doogal: Sucks.
Madea's Family Reunion: Review
Date Movie: Poor Allyson. Review #1 and Review #2.
Eight Below: Review
Curious George: Review
The Pink Panther: Heard it wasn't half as bad I thought it would be. Review #1 and Review #2
Firewall: Review #1 and Review #2
Something New: Review
When a Stranger Calls: Review
Annapolis: Review
Big Momma's House 2: Review
The Matador: Review
End of the Spear: Review
Underworld-Evolution: Review #1 and Review #2.
Munich: Review #1 and Review #2
Brokeback Mountain: Review


That's it for this week. I'm happy you spent the 2 hours it must have taken you to read this leviathan of a news report. Thanks for wasting your work hours and productivity for my humor and boobies.

And now…your Redneck Moment of Zen.