Warped News 04.06.06: The Wonder Women Edition

Posted by Cris Murphy on 04.06.2006

Looks like everyone spying on everyone else…and it’s not George Bush!

Hello! And welcome back to the best damn entertainment news report on the World Wide Web…or at least at 411Maina…or at least on Thursdays from someone living in Kansas…who plays poker.

I don't have much time for you this week because I'm so important and busy. However, I still will give you some juicy news and jucier boobs. So, let's get started with the premiere news report that satiates your thirst for gossip, boobage and Pellicano sightings (and we're all HUGE fans of that). It's time for the wisest of them all, better known as…


All the News, New and Improved

I told you things would get interesting!
Die Hard director John McTiernan became the 14th person--and the most well-known Tinseltown figure--to be charged with a crime in relation to the federal racketeering and conspiracy case against private investigator Anthony Pellicano. According to E!Online, McTiernan, who has directed such hits as The Hunt for Red October and Predator, was charged with one count of lying to FBI investigators, according to federal court documents.

The charges read that, during a Feb. 13 interview with federal agents, McTiernan told them that he knew nothing about Pellicano's alleged wiretapping activities and had never discussed wiretapping with the detective, when in fact he had hired Pellicano to do a job for him. McTiernan allegedly commissioned the P.I. to bug the office of producer Charles Roven, whom he had worked with on the flop remake of Rollerball and then supposedly discussed the findings from that wiretap with Pellicano.

Assistant U.S. Attorney Daniel A. Saunders, who has prosecuted most of the other cases related to Pellicano, also signed off on these charges. The director, who faces five years in prison if convicted, was ordered to appear in court April 17th.

I told you this wiretapping case would bag someone famous or in a position of power in Hollywood! And we're not finished yet.

IMDB.com reports that Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone and CEO Tom Freston have given their complete backing to Paramount chief Brad Grey, maintaining that they investigated Grey's association with indicted private detective Anthony Pellicano before they named him head of the studio last year. Uh oh!

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Redstone expressed his "utmost faith" in Grey, but acknowledged: "I'm going out on a limb here. We have investigated this to the fullest. But can anybody be certain of anything but life and death?" Freston told the newspaper, "We vet this in a responsible way. ... We were assured that Grey is a witness and not a target or even a subject in the investigation." Nevertheless, the Times observed, Grey's name continues to surface in numerous newspaper articles linking him with Pellicano, and the Times itself commented that Grey's past ties to Pellicano "have put Paramount closer to the center of the escalating Pellicano imbroglio than anyone at Viacom would have liked."

I was still expecting a neurotic actor or two (Tommy, I'm looking at you) and a couple of high-level studio executives to get charged, and here's Grey's name all over the news. You know that studio executives have been using P.I.s since the 1950s to keep tabs on their contract actors. They wanted to know the dirt before the press. You have to think that some of this is still going on because these studios invest too much money on productions to have a film tank from a director/actor/actress and the skeletons in their closets. It's too bad about McTiernan. He's one of my favorite directors and has made a lot of quality films. The fact that he's being dragged into this from one of the worst film of 2002 pushes this into the tragic genre.

The list of wondrous women has grown…
Kate Beckinsale has reportedly joined the race to play Wonder Woman in Joss Whedon's upcoming comic book adaptation. The British actress is in negotiations with Whedon, according to movie gossip website joblo.com. Insiders claim Whedon is "very happy" with Beckinsale and confirmed last week that production on his highly anticipated movie adaptation of the popular comic book series will begin filming in early September.

Buffy stars Sarah Michelle Gellar and Charisma Carpenter, and Lindsay Lohan have been linked to the coveted role. Carpenter even remarked she was putting off having a second baby in the hope of landing the dream role. She recently told a reporter, "I'd like to (have another baby) eventually, but I want Wonder Woman right now. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm crossing my fingers and toes and praying."

So am I. I'll leave it up to you, my dear readers. Who do you think should play this character:


Charisma Carpenter…


or Kate Beckinsale?


Send me an email and let me know.

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Rutherford Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…

For all of my Australian readers, I post this little diddy. Note that it only makes sense in Australia, and not the U.S. for various reasons…mainly due to the fact that Australians get American TV shows later than Americans. Sorry, but that's the way the system works. Am I babbling? I think I'm babbling, and with boobies on the line, that's not a good thing. I'm still babbling…

Being brunette, she can't be a dumb blonde, so perhaps Holly Valance has suffered a stroke of amnesia. According to Autralian newspaper The Daily Telegraph, the former Neighbours babe famously fired her manager Scott Michaelson a couple of years ago because "she hated the way he made her wear hardly anything." But these days, there doesn't seem to be much difference.

Following her raunchy appearance in "Entourage" (VIC-tor-REEE!), Valance makes her debut in "Prison Break" on Channel 7 this week as saucy Czech lap dancer Nika. But keen Valance viewers will have to be patient – while she appears on the show tonight – her pole dance won't air until April 19. For my American readers, you're too late. That episode aired 3 weeks ago. I caught that pole riding episode, and she was SMOKIN'!

For the Aussie who like to show a little down under…a photo tribute:





But will they give the award to Chef?
The Peabody Award winners have been announced by the University of Georgia's Grady College of Journalism and Mass Communication, with Comedy Central's irreverent "South Park" named as one of the winners. As described in a release announcing the winners, "South Park" was hailed as a "notoriously rude, undeniably fearless lampoon of all that is self-important and hypocritical in American life, regardless of race, creed, color or celebrity status."

Other entertainment shows getting the prestigious awards were "Battlestar Galactica" (the first such award for the cable network), "House", "The Shield", and "Boston Legal." According to the statement, Peabody judges called "House" "the most distinctive new doctor drama in a decade." The awards, for "excellence in news, documentary, comedy, drama, education and public service," will be handed out June 5 at a luncheon in New York hosted by Jon Stewart.

It's not so surprising that "South Park" gets an award like this. They have been the epitome of 21st century satire for the last 3 years…despite "The Daily Show" being on the same network. It won't be long before "South Park" takes on its Comedy Central brethren just to show it can.

But we named the dog Indiana…
According to WENN, Harrison Ford has thrilled fans by hinting at a reunion with Sir Sean Connery on the set of the much-anticipated fourth Indiana Jones movie. The Scottish screen legend wowed fans as the action archeologist's father in the series' third movie, Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade, and looks set to continue his role into the fourth film.

The as-yet untitled movie is still in the pre-production phase but Ford hopes to start work soon. Coy Ford smiles, "I can't really say, but I would hope." I loved Sean Connery in the third film. He was a breath of fresh air to the series. I hope that Spielberg and Lucas can bring him out of semi-retirement for the fourth film.

And on next week's episode of "The Supreme Folk", Justice Scalia flips the bird to Justice Stevens after a bitter debate over which chicken wing is the best…the left or right. Guest starring: Coolio.
The Senate Judiciary Committee passed two bills aimed at bringing television cameras into federal courtrooms, including the Supreme Court. One of the bills permits TV coverage of Supreme Court proceedings unless a court majority concludes that due process would be compromised by such coverage. So, basically, the court could vote that every court proceeding viewed would be compromised, rendering this act useless. Won't happen, but it's something to consider.

The other bill (the "Sunshine in the Courtroom Act") permits coverage of Supreme Court oral arguments and also gives authority to any presiding judge in federal courts to allow TV coverage. In an interview with Broadcasting and Cable magazine, Barbara Cochran, president of the Radio and Television News Directors Association, expressed optimism that Congress will pass the measures. "I think that members of Congress are becoming more interested in introducing TV and radio coverage as a way of holding the federal judiciary more accountable," she said.

But several sitting Supreme Court justices have expressed their undying opposition to TV coverage of the court's proceedings. In 1996, Justice David Souter famously remarked, "The day you see a camera come into our courtroom, it's going to roll over my dead body." Well, better get your heart attack going. I don't see any reason for Congress to vote this down. The public has been screaming for more transparency in government, and the Supreme Court is the last chamber to be televised.

Plus, wouldn't the inner geek in you love to see oral arguments in front of the Supreme Court? No? Ok, I guess I'm the only geek around here.

Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner: The Queen of Infinite Tools, ROSIE O'DONNELL.

According to WENN, The Big Fat Tool has challenged supermodel Naomi Campbell to a fight, insisting the manic model needs someone to "kick her a*s." O'Donnell was horrified when the Campbell was charged with assault in New York City last month after she allegedly beat her assistant with a mobile telephone. And she plans to exert her own brand of justice on the fiery model.

O'Donnell explains, "I just picture this cute little Mexican woman working saying, ‘Excuse me Miss Campbell can I possibly get you... ' and Naomi going, 'Get away from me, bam bam bam!' To make matters worse she had that jewel-encrusted cell phone. That's got to score with the diamonds. She looks like you could snap her in two but she's a tough-a*s, kick-a*s woman. I would actually like to fight her. I think for all the people that she's beaten up, I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her a*s."

The biggest question here is, why does anyone care? I think Naomi Campbell is a bitch that deserves to get bitch-slapped by the biggest pimp on the face of the Earth. However, I don't publicize it to national media (well, I guess except for my column and this website) and challenge her to a fight. It sounds like Rosie has missed the spotlight and wants to make headlines to get noticed…because NO ONE CARES ABOUT HER ANYMORE!

For being the ultimate female tool, Ms. O'Donnell is the:

Craftsman Personalized 44 pc. All Laser-Etched 1/4 inch 6 point Socket Set
Sears item #00942052000 Mfr. model #42052
High-visibility laser markings allow for easy identification. Set
includes 11 6-point standard (5/32 thru 9/16 in.); 12 6-point metric
(4, 5, 5.5 thru 14 mm); 10 6-point standard deep (3/16 thru 9/16 in.);
11 6-point metric deep (4 thru 14 mm).

Look, no socket wrenches…

Don't you wish celebrities would just shut the hell up…
Susan Sarandon wants the U.S. presidential elections to be monitored by outside interests. According to MSNBC.com, the Bull Durham star says that the 2004 vote was so fraudulent that we need international oversight — like troubled third-world countries do. We are the light of democracy, right? We've been doing elections for, like, a couple hundred years, right?

"I believe our next election should be monitored by international entities, just like it happened in Haiti and Iraq," Sarandon told Brazilian newspaper Folha de Sao Paulo, according to our translator. "The last one was an embarrassment. Everybody knew there was fraud, but nothing was done about it. In some states there were more votes than people able to vote." Of course, Sarandon probably couldn't name the states in which that was true, but then again, she's a celebrity. She doesn't have to back up what she says with, you know, facts or anything. Of course, it's so practical to have another nation come in a monitor our voting…for over 100 million registered voters…in millions of cities…and tens of millions of polling districts. Yeah, that will work.

Sarandon also said she isn't terribly optimistic about Democratic candidates for the next election. "I honestly hope that the Democratic Party finds a candidate for the presidency, but I recognize that the scenario isn't inspiring." Hey, welcome to the knowledge that the rest of us have had for the last 5 years!

Her assessment of President Bush's administration isn't upbeat either. "I think we've never been as close to George Orwell's ‘1984' as before," she said. "We live in a society where individual rights and legality are definitely threatened and that's scary." What the hell does she mean by "individual rights and legality"? The individual rights I understand, but what does the "legality" mean? Doesn't she realize that she's jumped the couch a long time ago? The only thing scary right now is that Sarandon still thinks we give a sh*t about what she thinks.

Those critics. What the hell do they know anyway?
Studio Briefing reports that studios are declining to arrange advance screenings for critics not only for their cheapo horror flicks, but for just about any film likely to receive negative reviews. The report noted that this year 11 movies were not screened for critics -- versus just two at this time last year.

Three of the films, Underworld: Evolution, When a Stranger Calls, and Tyler Perry's Madea's Family Reunion opened in first place at the box office. Two films scheduled to open this coming weekend, The Benchwarmers and Phat Girlz are also not being shown.

Studios declined to discuss the reasons for not screening them, but critic Richard Roeper told the A.P., "It's telling that most of them won't even comment about it, because it's obviously something they're not proud of. ... But audiences are smart. They know if a movie isn't being reviewed, it's not because the studio thinks it's great. Studios are trying to separate a moviegoer from his or her money before not only critical word but word of mouth comes down on it."

In an interview with the wire service, Disney publicity chief Dennis Rice said, "If we think screenings for the press will help open the movie, we'll do it. ... If we don't think it'll help open the movie or if the target audience is different than the critics' sensibilities, then it may make sense not to screen the movie."

Translation: We made some sh*t, and we don't want the audiences to know about it through critics. We want them to shell out $7-10 before they found out that our films are a piece of sh*t. We hate critics because they out our sh*tty films before we make a cent from it, and that ain't fair.

If you can't beat them, spam them…
The Associate Press is reporting that George Clooney planned to undermine a Web site that posts celebrity sightings. Clooney has suggested swamping Gawker.com's "Gawker Stalker" feature with false notes about stars' whereabouts, spokesman Stan Rosenfield said.

In an e-mail Rosenfield recently distributed on Clooney's behalf to other high-powered publicists, the actor calls for publicity firms and their clients to join the effort against the site that some have called a threat to celebrities. "There is a simple way to render these guys useless," Clooney said in the message. "Flood their Web site with bogus sightings. Get your clients to get 10 friends to text in fake sightings of any number of stars." Clooney's campaign may be bearing fruit. Rosenfield said he heard from two publicists whose clients were said by Gawker Stalker to have been spotted in New York when the stars were actually abroad.

Although an outspoken defender of the First Amendment, Clooney has criticized tabloids and the paparazzi who shoot for them as sometimes going over the line. Gawker, a popular site, had been posting map-free "Stalker" sightings for two years. Now it pinpoints the locations of readers' random celebrity sightings on the Internet, using a Google map of Manhattan. Publicists say the new feature puts their clients in harm's way by revealing their specific whereabouts.

I hate to crash websites to serve a lesson, but I think Clooney is right on this. I know that losing privacy is one of the prices you pay for being a celebrity. However, this can easily be used by real stalkers at a detriment to human life and dignity. It's almost a virtual GPS tracking device, and that goes way beyond the line.

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
The British tabloid, The Sun, is there to report that Carmen Electra is installing an aerial circus hoop in her home so that she can thrill her hubby with X-rated nude tricks. The curvy stunner has been taking lessons in circus arts and says she can't wait to show off her new skills to husband Dave Navarro.

She told Jay Leno during an interview on "The Tonight Show", "You can pull yourself up on it and it spins. You can do all these sexy moves. I take a class. It's a circus school. I'm getting one for the house."

For the sex goddess who's spinning in my head right now, another photo tribute:











From Pimpstick To Pulpit

Check out 411Movie writers' favorite death scenes in the latest 411 Top 5. Yeah, I broke the rules again.

Steve Vicious reviews the latest TV shows as well as give us the luscious Lauren Graham in his latest Vicious TV News Wrap.

Chad Webb gives us his Top 10 Greatest Films Never Made as well as more movie news in his latest Big Sceen Bulletin.

Check out our latest 411 Movies Roundtable to see what we like about the movies of April.

And finally…XANADU!


Coming to a theatre near you…

New to theatres…
The Benchwarmers: This might suck so much, the universe will collapse on itself.
Phat Girlz: The hell?
Lucky Number Slevin: Probably the best of this weekend.
Take the Lead: Should be a nice flick to watch with your girlfriend/boyfriend…without being a "date movie."

Also in theatres…
ATL: Review
Ice Age 2: Didn't meet box office expectations.
Basic Instinct 2: If Larry the Cable Guy makes more in his 2nd weekend, you're in trouble.
Slither: Review
Inside Man: As good as you think. Review #1 and Review #2
Larry the Cable Guy-Health Inspector: Why make this? Review.
Stay Alive: Just awful. Review #1 and Review #2
Deep Sea 3D (IMAX): Review
V For Vendetta: Review #1, Review #2 and Review #3
She's the Man: Review
Failure to Launch: Review.
The Hills Have Eyes: Review #1 and Review #2
The Libertine: Johnny Depp in another pompous costume drama.
The Shaggy Dog: Curses to Disney and Tim Allen for remaking this. Goodbye childhood.
16 Blocks: Review
Ultraviolet: The Grandaddy of Suckage. Check out my review, as well as Brian Kristopowitz's review.
Aquamarine: Review
Dave Chappelle's Block Party: Review
Running Scared: Review
Doogal: Sucks.
Madea's Family Reunion: Review
Date Movie: Poor Allyson. Review #1 and Review #2.
Eight Below: Review
Curious George: Review
The Pink Panther: Heard it wasn't half as bad I thought it would be. Review #1 and Review #2
Firewall: Review #1 and Review #2
Something New: Review
When a Stranger Calls: Review
Annapolis: Review
Big Momma's House 2: Review
The Matador: Review
End of the Spear: Review
Underworld-Evolution: Review #1 and Review #2.
Munich: Review #1 and Review #2
Brokeback Mountain: Review


That's it for this week. I have to get going. I'm late enough as is. See ya!