Misunderstood Masterpieces: Tomcats

Posted by Will Helm on 04.11.2006

…or, Now THAT Would Have Been Funny!

Thanks to films like the American Pie franchise and other related movies, there has been a resurgence of the bawdy sex comedy in American cinema. Of course, while this trend has apparently run its course – all in the span of a few years – it still doesn't compare to the glorious "tit-coms" of the ‘80s. What is a "tit-com"? Well, as a play on the word "sitcom," the "tit-com" is a film wherein broad, wacky male-centered comedy is bolstered by a plethora of nudity, particularly of the female variety. We've covered an early example – H.O.T.S., from the ‘70s – but other paragons of the genre include such features as Bachelor Party, Valet Girls, Blue Movies, and Summer Job, to name a few.

Unfortunately, this genre has seemingly – except for rare resurgences – gone the way of the dodo in recent years; the only films remotely close to the unbridled amorality and aplomb – and humor – of the past examples come from Hightstown, N.J.'s Seduction Cinema, but there's little respect for direct-to-video soft-core girl-girl comedies. Unless it's late and you're alone and watching digital cable. Or you think that Misty Mundae actually has a natural gift for humor. Or both. Anyway, a few years ago, a film was made featuring many of the young, up-and-coming male talents of the big screen, gathering them together with a few notable HOT CHICKS of the time – who, since it was 2001, are still well known as HOT CHICKS today – for a film titled Tomcats, which was conceived to pick up the torch left behind by the "tit-coms" of two decades previous. There is one problem, though: no nudity! Whenever a discrepancy like this occurs, that can only mean one thing: it must be a Misunderstood Masterpiece! Let's find out!

Just because no one demanded it, the movie tries to ply the viewer's good graces by featuring the opening credits within a WACKY cartoon! What evils have you wrought, "Savage" Steve Holland? Anyway, it seems – as per the title's particular idiom – that cartoon cats – get it? Cats? – chase after animated HOT CHICKS. After the nutty, kah-razy cartoon concludes, the film flashes back to seven years ago, although I guess that they mean 1994, not 1999. It'd be nice if they weren't so vague about the timeframe like that. It appears, as the setting is a finely bedecked church somewhere in California and there are many, many men milling about wearing tuxedoes, that a wedding is about to commence. Of course, since guys are so averse to weddings, the groom's friends – a wacky, stereotypical bunch of masculine characters with wacky, stereotypical 1994 hairstyles – and, in particular, the lead buddy, Michael Delaney (Jerry O'Connell), rail against the institution of marriage. Michael, for one, decides that he never wants to get married and, unsurprisingly, his buddies agree. Hmm . . . I smell a set-up.

Meanwhile, inside the church, Jaime Pressly – making yet another appearance in these pages – as her character "Tricia," plans tomfoolery by putting some of the bride's father's boner pills – for lack of a better term – in a bottle of wine for the groom to enjoy that evening. Unfortunately – but hilariously – the groom and his buddies hurry things along and share the bottle of wine before the ceremony and, after seeing the effects of his creation in action, the bride's father is not happy. I guess he doesn't like the fact that his invention does really work, mainly because – as Michael explains – Viagra beat him to the market. Once the wedding begins, the groomsmen are all standing – literally and figuratively – and things get cheeky without being at all entertaining. You see, if the guys started accidentally bumping into each others' turgid members sheepishly, trying to avoid anything remotely homoerotic, now THAT would've been funny. Hmm . . . I sense a catchphrase du jour developing. Anyway, at the reception, all the guys are depressed – probably the blood loss to their brains or the fact that they'll all be impotent from the boner pill overdose have something to do with it – so they pledge to remain swingin' bachelors . . . and even make a bet against getting married, putting the pooled cash into a mutual fund for safekeeping until the last bachelor is left standing.

Seven years later, the guys' wacky, fat friend Steve (Horatio Sanz) weds – and please someone explain how they ended up together, please? – HOT CHICK Tricia in Vegas with Sikh Elvis presiding. I think you just have to be there. After the wedding, the groomsmen – who must feel the need to get together for every single wedding . . . even though we all know guys are stereotypically wedding-averse – celebrate the fact that the bet is down to two competing bachelors: Michael and sex-crazed jerk Kyle (Jake Busey). And, since the mutual fund did so well, it seems that the last two remaining bachelors have "four seventy-five" waiting for them when the other ties the knot. While Michael and Kyle rejoice in the fact that they stand to garner nearly $500,000 after the other gets hitched, I get the odd feeling that this is a set-up for one of them to win $4.75. Oh that wacky Internet stock bubble! Either that, or I've watched The Price Is Right's "Any Number" game one too many times.

That night, Michael and his HOT CHICK date (Julia Schultz) – who caught the bouquet at the ceremony earlier – chug bottles of vodka in bed and then strip . . . without any nudity. After Michael hits his limit – wimp – they move the proceedings out to the balcony, where sexual hijinks ensue. Of course, Michael's HOT CHICK date doesn't go all the way with him; instead, she stops and gives him an ultimatum, requesting "three little words." Michael, since he's stereotypically marriage-averse – and has a financial stake therein – freaks out and throws the HOT CHICK date out of the hotel room and out of his life. Of course, Michael's paranoia was unwarranted as all his HOT CHICK date wanted was a simple request for fellatio, rather than "I love you." Oh this wacky movie! Although if she actually wanted him to say "I love you" and he instead requested fellatio and she freaked out . . . now THAT would've been funny.

Later, Michael finds consolation in the newly married Steve and confesses that his dream girl is Judy Jetson. Umm . . . OK. Meanwhile, Steve, insipidly infatuated, states that he only wants his wife – which we all know is probably a lie. While Steve entertains himself at a blackjack table, Michael drowns his sorrows in the cleavage of a HOT CHICK (Amber Smith) at the high-rollers' craps table. While the HOT CHICK fondles the dice for Michael, Tricia watches in horror and entreats Steve to intervene and stop Michael from trying to impress the HOT CHICK with his crap skills.

Steve, caring friend that he is, steps in to keep Michael from ruining his life and Michael – who's already down $25,000 – elects to quit while he's behind . . . until the HOT CHICK screws him over, rolls the dice, and doubles Michael's losses. Of course, since he now owes the casino $50,000, Michael is in big trouble . . . or at least that's what Bill Maher said. While my gut reaction and slight knowledge of the inner workings of casinos would lead me to believe that they have the incident on tape and the casino knows full well that Michael was screwed over, according to Bill Maher, they DO have it all on tape and – I guess since she was a HOT CHICK – Michael still owes the money and he has a month to pay it off. Yeah, it makes no sense and there's no need for this shoehorned plot development, but that's beside the point. Plus, the ending is going to be VERY bad for Michael if he ends up winning $4.75. And I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that, the whole time Steve is with them and, apparently, Bill Maher also has a video of Tricia getting it on with another HOT CHICK in one of the hotel rooms, much to Steve's curiosity and chagrin. More on this inconsequential plot point later.

Oh yeah . . . and there's still no nudity.

Some time later, Michael meets up with Kyle on a golf course and they reunite like they haven't seen each other in years . . . even though they were both at Steve's wedding. Or, at least, I think they were. Honestly, I really wasn't paying much attention regarding the whereabouts of Jake Busey. Anyway, out on the links, stereotypically sex-crazed Kyle is teaching some HOT CHICK how to golf in the most lascivious manners possible. Then, after he's finished with the lesson, he and Michael relax in a golf cart and then he runs over the HOT CHICK a couple times. I'd say this was misogynistic, but it's pretty insulting towards men as well. Now, if he had run over her over and over again and then she had an orgasm, now THAT would've been funny. Or a David Cronenberg movie.

Back at Michael's place, we learn why he's obsessed with Judy Jetson: he's a starving cartoonist. Ah . . . it's like Better Off Dead or One Crazy Summer . . . just not half as good. While Michael sketches, Bill Maher's hilarious goons repossess his stuff. Wait . . . I thought that Michael was going to pay off the money after thirty days; why are the guys taking his stuff? Shouldn't that be done in a month and not currently? Whatever, movie; your internal logic is unsound. Later, Michael visits Steve, who does wacky things with a garden hose on his front lawn, since he's the clumsy fat guy. Of course, if, after this scene, Jimmy Fallon popped up out of the bushes and started laughing at him, now THAT would've been funny. Once inside Steve's house, there's TENSION as Steve thinks that Tricia is getting it on with the maid; meanwhile, Michael wants to know the whereabouts of a HOT CHICK from the wedding seven years prior, specifically the one portrayed by one-time über-HOT CHICK – and now emaciated shadow of her former self – Shannon Elizabeth.

After Tricia provides Shannon's whereabouts, Michael finds her dressed up as Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman on a random Los Angeles street corner. Whoa . . . now that's an interesting plot development. Of course, as is painfully obvious, Shannon isn't really a hooker, but instead an undercover cop named Natalie Parker and Michael, much to his misfortune, gets caught in her bust. Then again, would it really be a misfortune to be caught in Shannon Elizabeth's bust? I'll have to ask Joe Reitman next time I see him . . . which is never. Anyway, as seemingly Tricia screwed over Michael for no particular reason, he's hauled off to the pokey where Natalie and awesome character actor Bernie Casey play bad cop-bad cop with him during an interrogation. Somehow, the two officers construe that Michael is a sex freak – he does have a shine for Judy Jetson – but, somehow, Michael wins his freedom by drooling. Yup.

Later, Michael, now free of all charges, apparently goes insane and then is threatened by his credit card company when he asks for a raise in his limit. They say they're sending someone over to cut up his card – and, if said person arrived nary a moment afterward, now THAT would've been funny – but, instead, it's just Officer Natalie. Somehow, during Michael's bizarre confession the night before, he revealed his burgeoning plot to screw over Kyle by getting his buddy married so he can claim the fortune and pay off Bill Maher and, from there, Natalie wants in. Apparently, she wants to marry Kyle for Michael because she wants REVENGE for a tryst gone wrong after the wedding seven years ago. While Natalie states that Kyle abandoned her after popping her cherry on the beach, I'm sure that he also gave her a raging case of syphilis which is the probable cause for her mad rage. It's just a hunch.

In order to better facilitate their nefarious plan, Michael and Natalie stalk Kyle; I'm sure that the police greatly appreciate their equipment being lent out for personal use like that, but who am I to point out such plot holes? Oh wait . . . that's most of what I do. Never mind. Anyway, while Michael and Natalie argue over wacky surveillance techniques, they spy on Kyle getting it on with a HOT CHICK, which disgusts Natalie and – disturbingly – arouses Michael. Voyeurism is SO hilarious! Anyway, later, Michael, Kyle, and Steve are together in a steam room and Michael pries sensitive information regarding Kyle's likes and dislikes about the opposite sex for no apparent reason. Of course, it's all a ruse, as – after Kyle and Steve leave – Michael opens his robe to reveal a tape recorder which, much to his chagrin, electrocutes him. So that inquisition was for naught and now Michael's dead? Interesting.

Sadly, since this is merely a wacky comedy and not at all darkly humored, Michael is alive, well, and PERFECTLY UNHARMED and sitting alongside Natalie on a stakeout and listening to a crappy metal band with her. I guess they just HAD to be on the soundtrack. After Natalie puts an end to the cacophony, Michael reveals that he has a sketch of her . . . as a cat. So he's into bestiality? Ick. Anyway, before Natalie can find out more about Michael's seemingly perverted proclivities, they watch in amusement as Kyle leaps from the top floor of the house from a HOT CHICK and her cuckolded, baseball-bat wielding husband. Somehow, while eavesdropping on the whole "hilarious" scenario, Natalie infers from Kyle's comments that he doesn't like two-story houses. Of course, that'd be the first thing I'd think of.

The next afternoon – this movie, like so many before it, moves very fast . . . and I'm not complaining – Michael and Natalie share lunch together and they both watch as Kyle tries on thongs across the street. OK . . . here's the main problem with what's replaced the glory of the "tit-com": man ass. Note to future filmmakers: the hilarity of the male derriere is played out. Anyway, after Natalie tries to forcefeed Michael sushi, she starts to fall in love with him. Yes, it makes no sense; then again, it's just a microcosm of the film as a whole so far.

That weekend, Michael goes to a luncheon with all of his ex-bachelor friends, their wives – and, in the case of one of them, his husband . . . how modern! – and their children . . . and Natalie. While all of the husbands and wives talk about birthing and such – I've noticed that this is the hallmark of reaching maturity: having nothing to talk about except medical issues – Michael starts to have a mental episode after Tricia says that he and Natalie would be good together. Hilarity ensues, including one mother having milk squeezed from a very rubber breast – note: does not count as nudity – and Natalie becoming pregnant and giving birth in the span of a minute. Now, if Jerry O'Connell's head popped out from between her legs, rather than a normal baby, THAT would've been funny.

After lunch finishes, Michael and Natalie end up on the beach together . . . at night. That must've been one LONG meal. As the waves crash into the sand, Natalie and Michael share a tender moment together . . . and then Natalie pulls a gun on him! Is that what they call "tough love"? Actually, Officer Natalie is simply pulling the gun on a perp festooning the local lifeguard station with graffiti. Mitch Buchannon is going to be so ticked! Later, continuing that theme, Natalie talks about Michael to Bernie Casey while they're on the job killing cokeheads. No, really. While Natalie seeks advice, Bernie and a random miscreant provide some, specifically to make Michael jealous in order to win his heart. Natalie, who has been a tough, smart, logical being thus far – albeit one fueled by REVENGE – instantly goes along with the idea and turns into a stereotypical girl. Why? Bitches be crazy.

The next day, or that weekend, or some time later – the movie is vague with its transitions – Michael and Kyle get in touch with their feminine sides and go makeup shopping. Much to Kyle's amazement, he finds Natalie working behind the counter. Wow . . . she really changed since the last scene; I guess she's getting in touch with her feminine side too. Kyle, who one would think is too stupid for this sort of revelation, confesses that he remembers Natalie from seven years before . . . and he greatly enjoyed taking her virginity. No word on whether or not she was conscious at the time, though.

Somehow, even though Kyle is about as disgusting as one human can be, he and Natalie retire to a nearby beach – perhaps the one where they did the deed seven years ago . . . which would be kind of icky. Michael, meanwhile – who is now instantaneously jealous of his friend and prospective girlfriend – spies on them under the auspices of rock climbing . . . until he falls to his death from his perilous precipice. Remarkably, unbelievably, indubitably, that evening Michael – who is PERFECTLY UNHARMED, by the way – watches as Kyle and Natalie dance together at his place and there's TENSION as Michael is attacked by the green-eyed monster of jealousy. Or is it envy? Well, whichever one it is, Michael is that. Meanwhile, after Michael dons some night-vision goggles and Natalie subsequently blinds him with a flash of light, Kyle strips down to a thong, ready for action. Natalie, rather than getting it on and missing her chance for REVENGE, gives Kyle an ultimatum: he can wait an indefinite amount of time to get with her or . . . something. Actually, I don't think there was really a second option. In order to satiate Kyle's cravings, Natalie leaves him with a bottle of blurred-out baby oil that he can use on himself; after she leaves, he does . . . which is far more than we needed to know.

Later, Natalie and Michael meet up in a library and Natalie, much to Michael's chagrin, confides that she's falling for Kyle . . . which we all know is just a ploy to make Michael jealous. Of course, it doesn't help the matter that Natalie, as a disguise, is dressed as a Soviet dissident. No, seriously. After Natalie takes her leave, Michael, upset by – yet ignorant to – Natalie's ruse, elects to get it on with the first HOT CHICK he sees . . . which just happens to be a HOT CHICK mousy librarian (Heather Stephens). Michael, since he's a literate degenerate cartoonist, hits on the librarian with an overdue copy of The Scarlet Letter because when I think "sexy," I think "Hawthorne." Then again, I guess Lady Chatterly's Lover is a bit too upfront for a first impression.

Anyway, literary discussions aside, that evening, Michael goes home with the HOT CHICK librarian and meets her grandmother, which is just sweet. Of course, we all know how this is going to end up because, as per Movie Cliché #531, all librarians – especially if they're HOT CHICKS – are sex freaks. Guess what! That applies in this situation as the HOT CHICK librarian handcuffs Michael to her bed and then, after some HILARIOUS hijinks involving pulleys and levers, she reveals herself to be a psycho dominatrix – in a super-hot purple patent-leather corset, no less – and she disciplines Michael with a Hawthorne-inspired paddle. Sadly, she's not quite in the mood, so she calls in reinforcements . . . specifically, her grandmother! Sorry, movie . . . it's too late to try to be funny. Although, if the grandmother were in the corner the whole time, nodding absent-mindedly with approval, now THAT would've been funny.

Some time afterward, Michael and Kyle take a shower together and Kyle complains about his testes. While some guy who looks like Paulie Walnuts wanders around in the background, Kyle asks Michael – politely – to fondle his junk. Michael defers, so they both visit Steve, who just happens to be a doctor . . . although he's a little apprehensive to do the deed, since he's a proctologist. I guess that's supposed to be funny or something, even though his area of expertise and Kyle's junk are in relatively the same proximity. If Steve were a dentist, however, now THAT would've been funny. Anyway, after Steve messes with Kyle's scrotum, Kyle and Michael visit a urologist (David Ogden Stiers) and Kyle finds out that he has testicular cancer. Whoa . . . I thought this was a comedy? If Kyle dies and Michael and Natalie's children end up playing on his grave in their backyard, I'm shutting the movie off.

Either that, or I'm actually watching Pearl Harbor.

After the grim diagnosis, Kyle and Michael go to a sperm bank together to make a few deposits. Now, why Michael is going is beyond me, other than for moral support. If it's any other kind of support, that's just a wee bit homoerotic. Anyway, while Kyle does his thing in a separate room – thankfully – Michael fantasizes about Natalie and then he fills a few cups full of spunk. If, afterward, his crotch were steaming as well . . . now THAT would've been funny. Next, Kyle has his ailing gonad amputated and Michael visits him in recovery. Kyle, perhaps not feeling like a complete man anymore, requests a favor of his friend: he wants his severed testicle!

Michael, for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that the screenwriter thought it was funny, decides to steal it for his buddy, so he goes to the helpfully labeled "Medical Waste" room and there, among the brain of Abby Normal and the head of Marty Feldman, he finds Kyle's nut . . . and he drops it on the floor. Somehow, Kyle's malignant man-berry has the consistency of a Superball as it bounces through the halls and, serendipitously, lands in a pan full of sticky buns. Sticky buns . . . sounds like what you get when you mix anal sex and bad aim. Anyway, through a convoluted series of events – which could sum up this movie as well – the urologist ends up eating Kyle's junk, so Michael substitutes a walnut in its place. If he had done that from the start, not only would about five minutes of unfunny gags been lost, but THAT would've been funny.

That night, after promising to now make love to every woman in the world since Natalie OBVIOUSLY wants Kyle, Michael has a sexual nightmare wherein he beds . . . every single woman in the world. Sadly, they all seem to speak English; if they spoke their respective languages – instead of dressing in their native garb like some perverted version of the opening of the Miss Universe pageant – now THAT would've been funny. Hmm . . . I get the feeling I'm saying that a little too often. The next day, Michael shares lunch with Kyle and Natalie and, over the meal, Kyle asks Natalie to marry him . . . and she says "yes." Come on . . . like she was going to say "no"? Everyone knows that she's in it for REVENGE! Later, Michael finds consolation with Steve and he confesses that he wants a relationship as solid as Steve and Tricia's; meanwhile, Steve's still obsessed by the fact that Tricia may be cheating on him . . . with other women. OK, now if I were married to Jaime Pressly and she were sleeping around with other women, I don't think I'd mind . . . I'd probably encourage it. Especially if I were Horatio Sanz.

Finally, at Kyle's bachelor party – which, sadly, doesn't feature chicks or guns or fire trucks or hookers or drugs or booze . . . OK, maybe a few of those things – Kyle enjoys himself while Michael stews on a couch. Hopefully he doesn't drink so much that he makes his own gravy. Kyle tries to cheer up his best buddy with a little HOT CHICK action, but he's having none of it. Meanwhile, Steve is . . . which is kind of hypocritical considering his rampant jealousy regarding his wife's possible Sapphic dalliances. Perhaps he should bring a few girls home with him just to soothe his wife's lust. Or, at least, possible lust.

Even more finally, it's time for Kyle and Natalie's wedding . . . and Michael – who, for some reason, wants to break it up, lose the money, and die a horrid death at the hands of Bill Maher – wakes up late! Along the way to the wedding – in a sad attempt to recreate The Graduate -- Michael steals a stripper's frilly nightgown, steps in a cello, beats it with a dolphin, is spraypainted by a bunch of animal rights activists for beating a cello with a plaster dolphin and wearing a fake leopard-skin frilly nightgown, accosts Dakota Fanning – no, really – gets chased by the police, and finally is hit by a truck. Whew.

Unbelievably, Michael is PERFECTLY UNHARMED and in time to break up . . . the wrong wedding. Michael, now $500,000 richer – talk about painting your plot into a corner; if he had garnered $4.75, now THAT . . . eh, it's not even funny anymore – pays off the unneeded plot complication – also known as Bill Maher. Later, out on the street, Michael sees Kyle with a woman that isn't Natalie so, upon Michael's request for a clarification, Kyle punches his buddy out. Once Michael comes to, Kyle recounts his wedding night for him; apparently, according to Kyle, Natalie punched him out and then annulled the wedding the next day. Luckily for Kyle, he's working that heartbroken shtick for all it's worth and he has a date with the HOT CHICK librarian. Ah, continuity. Thanks for trying, movie. Finally, Michael finds Natalie out on the street again and he proposes and, at the wedding, he gets himself punched out . . . but it's all a swerve as they really get married! Oh, and it turns out that Kyle really digs the HOT CHICK librarian dominatrix AND her grandmother and Tricia really is bisexual and she doesn't mind Steve joining in. All this and outtakes funnier than the entire movie can be yours in Tomcats!

As you can probably tell by the running theme of this column, Tomcats repeatedly sets up jokes . . . and then doesn't follow through. Maybe someone found them funny; I don't know. Maybe my comedic sensibilities are a bit more skewed to the absurd; I don't know. What I do know is that Tomcats, which features a pretty decent and likable cast, doesn't take advantage of this fact and instead dredges up old clichés and played out jokes for its brand of humor. If the movie had followed through on its promise and captured the feeling on display in the outtakes, now THAT would've been funny . . . but it's still a Misunderstood Masterpiece.

Join me next week as Giggly Tits makes a return and puts her assets to good use . . . and Dana Barrett approves! See you then!