Warped News 04.13.06: The “Long Live Jack Bauer” Edition

Posted by Cris Murphy on 04.13.2006

There’s no Tool of the Week™…except for the American press. Long live the First Amendment!

Word up homies! It's another Thursday, which means it's another edition of your favorite boobs induced news broadcast. This week, we'll have a couple of porn stars, a couple of bad ideas becoming TV shows, and three reasons that the press sucks out the ass. Unfortunately, there's no Tool of the Week™ this week. It looks like everyone in Hollywood decided to get a little common sense this week…and I can't do Alec Baldwin every week.

With that in mind…take all of this with a grain of salt and some love in your heart. It's time for the ardent believer of fun and cleavage that's better known as…


All the News, New and Improved

The best damn news I've heard in 24 hours!
The Hollywood Reporter writes that Kiefer Sutherland has inked a new deal which will guarantee another 3 season of the hit show "24". The rich pact, which is set to begin in June, includes a two-year development deal for Sutherland's soon-to-be-launched production banner.

Details on the deal were sketchy, but sources pegged the acting portion alone at more than $40 million for the three seasons, which could make Sutherland the highest-paid actor in drama series. Just think about how much booze that will buy him…

While the deal locks Sutherland in for three additional years beyond the current fifth season of "24," the 20th TV/Imagine TV-produced show so far has been picked up for one additional season. Believe me, they'll pony up for a couple of more seasons. "24" is enjoying one of their most critically acclaimed and highest rated seasons to date. No one is thinking that the show has gone stale.

With the new deal, Sutherland also will be elevated from a co-executive producer to executive producer on "24" next season. The development portion of the deal is said to include overhead and a development fund for Sutherland's company. Sutherland will hire a development executive and will begin to develop and executive produce projects for television as well the Internet and wireless devices.

It's good to see Kiefer cash in on his success. He's been one of the best actors without a regular job for the longest time. His turn in Flatliners still gives me chills. For a while, he had been floundering in lame roles, but now, he's flourishing. God bless you, Jack Bauer.

The worst news I've heard in the last 24 hours…
According to World Entertainment News Network, Sir Sean Connery is expected to officially announce he is quitting Hollywood when he collects his Lifetime Achievement Award at the American Film Institute later this year.

Connery, who is recuperating after undergoing surgery to remove a kidney tumor in January, plans to spend his time writing books instead. He says, "I have retired for good. It's been a bit rough since Christmas but I'm perfectly OK and I feel well. In fact, I'm working on a history book." Harrison Ford, meanwhile, is campaigning for the actor to return to the screen for the upcoming fourth Indiana Jones movie.

I'm a huge fan of Connery's. I love his work. I love his voice. In fact, I do a very good Sean Connery voice that makes all of my friends laugh to no end. It'll be a dark day to see Connery retire.

Worst movie idea…ever!
Ain't It Cool News reports that producers Lawrence Bender and Mike Farrell have optioned the book, "Terri: The Truth", written by the husband of Terri Schiavo. According to the report, the producers haven't decided if the story is going to go to the big screen or the small screen.

Uhhhhhh…how about neither screen? Does the world really need a Terry Schiavo movie? Wasn't this played out way too much on 24-hour news channels anyway? Personally, I think it's beyond bad taste, but, then again, Hollywood has never has a good relationship with good taste. I think about this and remember a line from the much underrated film Soapdish: "Actors don't like to play comas. They feel it limits their range."

I'd like to welcome the Scary Movie Channel. Lord knows there's enough sequels to go around…
ABC News reports that Comcast and Sony Pictures Entertainment will unveil a new horror and thriller network this Halloween through video-on-demand, the first collaboration between the two companies under a deal to create new cable channels.

The as-yet-unnamed channel will feature over 1,000 horror and thriller movies and TV shows from the Sony/MGM libraries including "Silence of the Lambs," "I Know What You Did Last Summer," and "Panic Room." The channel, to be offered free to digital subscribers, will feature at least 20 films and some TV series, comprising 40 to 70-plus hours of programming. A quarter of the content will be changed every two weeks. The channel will be supported by advertising targeting the highly desirable youth-to-young-professional market. Ad revenue will be shared by Comcast and Sony Pictures.

The two companies said the cable channel would be the first dedicated to the horror and thriller genre. Comcast, the nation's largest cable operator with more than 21 million customers, said 20 percent of feature films released by major studios in 2005 were part of the genre. A third of those movies topped the box office on their debut. Yes, and the other two-thirds flopped egregiously.

Comcast made a decision to offer the channel through video-on-demand to keep subscribers from switching to satellite TV, which cannot duplicate the service. With the on-demand service, digital subscribers can watch a library of films, TV shows and other content whenever they want.

It sounds like a good idea. I like the premise of VOD, as long as they can keep the material fresh. With Hollywood producing a glutton of horror films nowadays, the channel would be able to keep stocked for quite a while. Of course, most of those movies I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole…but to each his own.

Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues
According to the Mumbai Mirror, Italy's most famous porn star, Cicciolina, has offered herself to Osama bin Laden. The 55-year-old actress said it was about time somebody tackled the terrorist and claimed she could be just the woman for the job. You know, it never occurred to me that maybe Osama would quit plotting terrorist actions if he just got laid. You never know…

Speaking at an erotic fair in Bucharest, Romania, Cicciolina said, "It is time someone did something about Bin Laden, and I am ready to do it. I am ready to make a deal, he can have me in exchange for an end to his tyranny. My breasts have only ever helped people while Bin Laden has killed thousands of innocent victims."

The blonde porn star, whose real name is Anna Ilona Staller, pointed out that Bin Laden could learn from Saddam Hussein's mistakes. In the 1990s she offered herself to Saddam Hussein if he gave up dictatorship of Iraq, and added that if he had taken up her offer "who knows what might have happened." Probably would have gotten VD.

Want to know what she looks like? Be careful what you wish for:


And here's a picture of her in her prime…for balance.


From Bin Laden to been lauding…adult film queen Jenna Jameson has a new starring role. According to the Arizona Republic, the very busty and vibrant Jameson is featured in an advertising podcast for athletic shoe company Adidas.

The ad is part of the revival of adiColor, a 1983 Adidas campaign in which the company's shoes could be personalized with colorful markers. In the podcast, Jameson vigorous battles a game of whack-a-mole, then collapses as the camera pans slowly down the curves of her body, clad in a halter top and shorts. The commercial is the latest in a string of business activities for Jameson, who has her own film production company and is the chairwoman of ClubJenna Inc., which handles the Web activities for more than a dozen adult stars. She also manages the careers of six ClubJenna girls and operates the online retail store ClubJennaMall.com.

Most recently, she became part owner of Babe's Cabaret in Scottsdale and has been at odds with city officials over strict new regulations for sexually oriented businesses. You go girl. Want to see the ad? I though you might…click here for a look.

A picture of Jenna as well? You guy must be horny…


Tune in next time for more Porn Stars In the News™!

Don't you wish celebrities would just shut the hell up…
Charlize Theron has said on TV that she would not get married until the United States recognizes gay marriages. According to a report by the BBC, Theron was presented with the Vanguard Award at the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation's (GLAAD) annual media awards in Los Angeles last week.

Last year, Theron reportedly said on TV that she would not wed boyfriend Stuart Townsend until gay marriage is legally recognized in the US. It makes you wonder what Townsend thinks about that? "What I'm gay now?"

"I feel so fortunate that I am in a relationship with a wonderful man," she said on Saturday. "I find it incredibly unfair that because of our sexual preference, we have the rights that we have, and that, because of someone else's sexual preference, they don't have those same rights."

You know, I understand where she's coming from, but do you really think that Theron is going to change the debate in this country over gay marriages? Does she really think folks in Arkansas or Utah are going to say, "What? Charlize won't get married unless we acknowledge gay marriages? Well, that would be a shame to let such a pretty woman go unmarried. We'll change our stance right now for her." If she thinks that she'll start a "marriage boycott", she just doesn't understand Generation X very well.

Reality TV claims another victim…
Steven Spielberg, whose big break came directing the TV movie "Duel," is turning again to the small screen in an attempt to find the new generation of directors. Variety reports that Fox television has greenlit the reality competition "On the Lot," from Spielberg, Mark Burnett and DreamWorks TV. The series will pit undiscovered filmmakers against one another as they attempt to win a studio development deal at Paramount-based DreamWorks.

Spielberg won't regularly appear in "On the Lot" (except for some possible cameos), but he's already at work sketching behind-the-scenes details for the show. "All through my career I've done what I can to discover new talent and give them a start," Spielberg said. "This opportunity ... allows all of us to reach out directly to open a much wider door."

The network and show producers were quick to warn that "On the Lot" shouldn't be described as "The Apprentice: Steven Spielberg." If anything, the show will be more like "American Idol." Sixteen contestants will be split into four teams and given the resources to produce a short film. Each week will focus on a different genre, including comedy, thriller, drama, romance and sci-fi.

For each film, teams will pick a leader to serve as a director. On the first episode of the week -- tagged the "Film Premiere" -- a panel of judges (including a studio exec and a film critic) will critique the shorts in front of a live studio audience, with viewers ultimately voting for their favorite. Results will be revealed on the next night's half-hour "Box Office" episode, and the losing short's director will be eliminated. Burnett and Spielberg have built in the possibility that an eliminated director can make a comeback at some point in the show.

Nothing like beat a live horse until its dead…then beating it some more. Ironically, this is the only reality TV show that I have any compunction to be on. I'm an unknown filmmaker (more like writer, but I can be both if I want). This sounds like something I could do and do well. However, I really don't want to start my career as the guy who won "On the Lot". I'd rather do it through the traditional (albeit harder) way.

The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™
Yet another fantastic, trademarked segment to pay tribute to the ever-growing mistakes made by network journalists and 24-hour news networks. This award is to honor the great Bill O'Reilly, who's constant blathering continues to tell us lowly "ham and eggers" what journalism really is. Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. We wouldn't know bad journalism without you. *sarcasm included for free*

According to Studio Briefing, some journalists are questioning NBC News's ethics following its acknowledgment that it paid the organization Perverted Justice at least $100,000 to set up a pedophile sting operation in Ohio for a Dateline NBC feature. The operation was the fourth of its kind staged by the magazine show, in which Perverted Justice members pose as juveniles to lure potential pedophiles to a local house, where they are confronted by Dateline correspondent Chris Hansen in front of hidden cameras and are then arrested when Hansen's "interview" concludes. I betcha Hansen just loves confronting these a**wipes with such hardhitting questions like: "What's it feel like to get arrested on TV?" or "You like dittling kids? Does that get you off?" or "How's my hair? Do I look young and hip? Would you bang me too?"

In an interview with the Associated Press, Bob Steele, who teaches journalism ethics at the Poynter Institute in Florida, remarked, "If the journalist was paying someone for their information, cooperation and participation, the payment may taint the reliability of the story and the truth being sought. ... Credibility is affected. Some would even put the term 'checkbook journalism' on this matter." However, David Corvo, executive producer of the program, insisted that Perverted Justice was working as an NBC consultant on the program. "We think the system we set up has allowed us to keep our journalistic standards as well as perform a public service," Corvo said.

The Washington Post also noted that in the Ohio sting, Perverted Justice members were deputized by the local sheriff. Lucy Dalglish, executive director of the Reporters Committee for Freedom of the Press, told the newspaper that she had never heard of a media outlet using paid associates to act as law-enforcement officials. "It sounds to me like a very risky thing to do," she added.

Why doesn't Dateline just pay cops to give them really good tips? I bet they can get really good stories that way. They might as well, seeing that they paid Perverted Justice such a lofty amount. I have no qualms with Perverted Justice at all. This is just Dateline trying to get ratings at the expense of journalistic integrity.

The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™ - Prt Too
Hey! Wouldn't you know that Dateline gets TWO awards in the same week. Now that's dedication to sloppy reporting. According to syndicated columnist Michelle Malkin, NASCAR expressed outrage at reports that NBC's Dateline had sent "Muslim-looking men" to a race in an effort to film crowd reaction to them with hidden cameras. NASCAR spokesman Ramsey Poston told Malkin, "It is outrageous that a news organization of NBC's stature would stoop to the level of going out to create news instead of reporting news."

NBC, whose contract to televise NASCAR events expires this year and is not being renewed (so are we burning bridges now?), responded in a statement, "We were intrigued by the results of a recent Washington Post/ABC News poll and other articles regarding increasing anti-Muslim sentiments in the United States. It's very early on in our newsgathering process, but be assured we will be visiting a number of locations across the country and are confident that our reporting team is pursuing this story in a fair manner."

Yeah right. I don't like NASCAR. It's a lot like watching baseball. Sure, it's exciting when you're on the playing field, but it's rather boring to watch. However, I have to agree with the NASCAR spokesman that this smacks of a news agency creating news instead of reporting it. There are far better ways to investigate anti-Muslim sentiment in America than by hidden cameras at a NASCAR event. Sure, most people there are rednecks and proud of it, but to stoop to sending out stringers and to generate some type of crowd response is disingenuous. If there were Muslim men already there and you capture some negative crowd response, then that's a different story. You may say, "I've never seen a Muslim man at a NASCAR event." And that's the point. By putting one there for a news story, you create news instead of reporting it.

The Bil O'Riley "Realy Gratest Jurnalizm" Awrd™ - Prt Fore
When the best coverage of the media is Meredith Vieira joining the Today Show, then you're not having a good week. The New York Times reports television stations throughout the country, including several in the largest markets, are continuing to air video news releases produced by large corporations without disclosing the source, according to a study by the Wisconsin-based Center for Media and Democracy.

The Center, which monitored news programs on 69 stations over the past 10 months, said that the stations attempted to blend the fake news into their broadcasts by having reporters or anchors read scripts supplied by the corporations that produced the videos, and, in some instances, introduced company publicists as if they were actual reporters. The Center said that it plans to post some of the original video news releases, along with examples of how the stations used them, on its website, www.prwatch.org.

I've written in this very news report how local stations were using pre-produced fake news segments from the federal government to promote the Bush Administration's agenda. Now, it seem like they didn't learn their lesson. I guess corporations are hitting this bandwagon, and TV stations, in a desperate attempt at money grabbing, sacrifice every shred of integrity to air them. Welcome to the 21st Century, where all news is crafted by artisans for peak enjoyment.

Then again, I…your humble narrator…reported a practical joke as a real news story. It turns out that Kate Beckensale is not being considered as Wonder Woman in the new Joss Whedon film. It was a April Fool's Day joke that the mainstream media picked up as a real story. Then, yours truly picked it up as a real story for his popular internet column. Oh well. Guess I suck too. Thanks to (name) for sending me the REAL story.

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…

According to IMDB.com, Ali Landry married film director Alejandro Gomez Monteverde on Saturday in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. This is Landry's second marriage. She wed "Saved By The Bell" star Mario Lopez in April 2004 before splitting after seven weeks of marriage.

The 32-year-old actress reportedly met her new husband at Bible study last year and got engaged over Memorial Day weekend. Landry recently told Mexican news outlet Dolan Media Newswires, "He is so beyond amazing. And he's everything I thought was possible. He's creative, passionate and would love to help change the world. I respect him so much."

Damn! Another hottie off the market. Well, that won't keep me from offering up this celebratory photo tribute:









From Pimpstick To Pulpit

Want to write for 411 Movies? Then click here. Yes, YOU can be my colleague. What an incentive, eh?

The Vicious TV News Wrap features a very large Eva Longoria and a very nude Marcia Cross. How's that for a "Desperate Housewives" plug? Check out all the latest TV news with our very own porn baron…Steve Vicious.

For more movie news and photos of the Nitro Girls (ahhhh, Kimberly Paige), check out Chad Webb and his latest Big Screen Bulletin.

Arnold Furious takes a look at 40 Year-Old Virgin, Birth of a Nation and more in his latest Furious On Film.

Find out what our favorite movie fight scenes are in the latest 411 Top 5. And for those in the know…I am not left-handed.

Will Helm tackles Mr. Rebecca Romjjin with a look at Tomcats in his latest Misunderstood Masterpieces.

Joe Rivett takes a look at the loss of personal responsibility in his latest The Individualist. Hey Joe, look up the amount of asinine lawsuits brought upon public schools every year. Now wonder why public schools are declining.

I am a member of the European Union…at least that's what the latest The Political Pop Quiz tells me.

And finally…truth in advertising. (NSFW language)


Coming to a theatre near you…

New to theatres…
Sexy Movie 4: Avoid like the plague!
The Wild: A cheap knockoff of Madagascar.

Also in theatres…
The Benchwarmers: Review
Phat Girlz: Review
Lucky Number Slevin: Review
Take the Lead: Review
ATL: Review #1 and Review #2
Ice Age 2: Didn't meet box office expectations.
Basic Instinct 2: If Larry the Cable Guy makes more in his 2nd weekend, you're in trouble.
Slither: Review
Inside Man: As good as you think. Review #1, Review #2, and Review #3.
Larry the Cable Guy-Health Inspector: Why make this? Review.
Stay Alive: Just awful. Review #1 and Review #2
Deep Sea 3D (IMAX): Review
V For Vendetta: Review #1, Review #2 and Review #3
She's the Man: Review
Failure to Launch: Review.
The Hills Have Eyes: Review #1 and Review #2
The Libertine: Johnny Depp in another pompous costume drama.
The Shaggy Dog: Curses to Disney and Tim Allen for remaking this. Goodbye childhood.
16 Blocks: Review
Ultraviolet: The Grandaddy of Suckage. Check out my review, as well as Brian Kristopowitz's review.
Aquamarine: Review
Dave Chappelle's Block Party: Review
Running Scared: Review
Doogal: Sucks.
Madea's Family Reunion: Review
Date Movie: Poor Allyson. Review #1 and Review #2.
Eight Below: Review
Curious George: Review
The Pink Panther: Heard it wasn't half as bad I thought it would be. Review #1 and Review #2
Firewall: Review #1 and Review #2
Something New: Review


That's a wrap this week. Boy, I'm going to have to watch the news a little more carefully from now on. But, before you get too depressed, let me leave you with a little Stacy Keibler to tide you till next week.