The Best Screenplays Ever, and “The Benchwarmers” Can these two polar opposites co-exist, or will the column explode?
The Idiot Box Proper
Lots of little tidbits from the world of entertainment this week.
From yahoo Here's a big spoiler alert for 24 fans: Jack Bauer survives this season. And he's in for at least 72 more hours of hell.
Kiefer Sutherland has inked a deal reportedly worth $40 million to remain on the pulse-quickening drama for another three seasons, ensuring CTU's main man will be fighting terrorists through 2009.
Fox issued a statement trumpeting Sutherland's extension but declined to confirm the financial details. The deal includes several perks for the actor, as well as a pay raise that elevates him to being the highest paid actor on a drama series, according to trade reports.
I have never been a fan of "24"
That is… until this season. Even as a casual viewer who had never before watched an entire episode, I was hooked into Season Five as soon as I was flipping channels and stumbled across it.
I was going to go into more detail about why this season is so great… but then I realized that half the writers on this site are drooling raving "24" heads. If you want more detail or insight, you should check out those guys. But honestly, I feel that 411 has enough "24" related writing these days. But trust me, this season is the best ever.
From the imdb
The greatest screenplay ever written was Casablanca, (1942)by Julius J. Epstein, Philip G. Epstein and Howard Koch, according to a vote by the members of the Writers Guild of America. The WGA announced its results for the 101 best screenplays on Thursday with these films following Casablanca on the top-ten list:
2. The Godfather, by Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola 1972
3. Chinatown, by Robert Towne 1974
4. Citizen Kane, by Herman Mankiewicz and Orson Welles 1941
5. All About Eve, by Joseph Mankiewicz 1950
6. Annie Hall, by Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman 1977
7. Sunset Boulevard, by Charles Brackett, Billy Wilder and D.M. Marshman Jr 1950
8. Network, by Paddy Chayefsky 1976
9. Some Like It Hot, by Billy Wilder and I.A.L. Diamond 1959
10. The Godfather Part II, by Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola. 1974
Very contemporary, guys. Ways to keep your fingers on the pulse of the creative edge.
Pardon my vulgarity, but what the fuck is that supposed to be? Apparently, the last great movie script was written in 1977, and since then, nothing.
What about "Fight Club"? "L.A. Confidential"? "Royal Tanenbaums"? "Goodfellas"? "Silence of the Lambs"? "The Usual Suspects"? "Pulp Fiction"? "Deuce Bigelow"?
Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one. But are we really to believe that a fair and open evaluation of the subject at hand would lead to these results? No good screenplays in almost thirty years, basically a lifetime… or more precisely, a generation or two removed from the old guys who wrote all that classic shit.
I'm not picking on any of the selections these guys made. They are all defensible choices, but I am picking on the selection process. The voters obviously are older, and skew towards their contemporaries. And they can't see anything beyond it.
From rotten tomatoes Germain points out that the number of movies not screened for press is way up -- eleven so far this year, compared to only two this time last year -- including this week's comedies "The Benchwarmers" and "Phat Girlz."
Anyone who reads our own Tim Ryan's weekly Critical Consensus has probably noticed the phrase "not screened for critics" popping up nearly every week, leading to a dearth of preview reviews
This week there were no screenings for "Scary Movie 4," continuing the trend for obvious reasons. No critics will like it anyway, so why bother? It's nice to see that Hollywood has finally given up – they as much as admit the quality of their product so far this year has been abysmal.
Movie critics don't make much of a difference, very often. So don't think I'm overestimating their importance in the food chain. All critics do is talk about things other people create – it doesn't take a degree to do it.
But still, I enjoy reading movie reviews, even if they rarely influence me. Reading reviews where movies get ripped to shreds are always enjoyable. So while I applaud the resignation of the movie studios, I mourn the abundance of terrible reviews.
Sad News
Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are engaged and expecting a baby, her publicist said Tuesday.
Listen, this is sad because I fell in love with her in "Secretary." That was a hot, hot, hot movie. Well, I can still hope that one day she and I can cheat on our spouses together. Huzzah!
Partial Reviews!
On this very site is a review of "The Benchwarmers" by a writer named Chad Webb. It is a fine review, but Chad went way, way, way too easy on this turd of a movie.
I cannot give you a full review, but I will give you an indication of its badness.
It was Date Night, you see, one of those rare nights when the wife and I can score a sitter. For the last Date Night I got to choose the movie (I chose "The Hills Have Eyes" and it was awesome) This time around the pickings were slim. "Ice Age 2" No way, jose. But the wife is a HA-YUGE "Napoleon Dynamite" fan, so she picked "The Benchwarmers."
I did not expect it to be funny, but I still hoped it would be cheesy fun.
Boy was I wrong. After sitting through a horrendous batch of previews (including an atrociously unfunny movie about Adam Sandler and a magic remote control – ugh) the movie started, and I didn't laugh for a long, long time. It felt like two or three hours, turns out it was only about half an hour.
"The Benchwarmers" did have potential. John Heder is an actor I think is funny. David Spade not so much, but at least he was a self-effacing dork. I've never been a fan of Rob Schnieders films (although I bet he is hilarious to hang out with). Jon Lovitz is also in it, alongside the effortlessly dickish Craig "Craiggers" Kilborne. So there was a chance for this movie to be funny.
But it ain't.
The story is awful, the characters poorly conceived and ill-developed. And the dialogue… I don't think I know enough synonyms for "suck-ass" to quite cover how bad the dialogue is.
So anyway, after a half hour of not laughing, my wife leans over and says "Do you want to leave?"
"Are you fucking kidding me?" I responded, always the sweet-talker.
"Let's go see ‘Slither'." She says.
So we left the theatre post haste, skipping the last hour, and went to the screen next door, where the horror comedy "Slither" was playing. It started at the same time as "Benchwarmers" so we missed the first half hour of it, and I can't give you a full review of that film either.
But I got more laughs in five minutes of "Slither" then I got in thirty of "Benchwarmers." It is a slick, gross, over-the-top horror flick about alien slugs that turn people into monsters. Blood and slime flow. Nathon Fillon ("Mal" from "Firefly" and "Serenity") stars as the local lawman, and as always he is funny and charming.
I look forward to watching "slither" in its entirety on DVD.
I look forward to never finding out what happens in the last hour of "Benchwarmers."
Pimping Myself!
Need some more shit to read?
Well the first place you need to go is here --
http://blog.myspace.com/natehensley
I'm using the blog to post updates and chapters on a crime novel. It's tough, violent, brutal in spots, even – but there is more going on then crime. Check it out
And after that, head over to www.Gainesvillesun.com, where I write a weekly movie review column, and have for about the last five years or so. The latest review compares "Brokeback Mountain" to "American Psycho." How the hell do I make that connection? Check it out!
1. The Benchwarmers, and everyone involved with it. For shame, all of you.
2. The infidels
3. President Charles Logan – damn you to hell, you magnificent bastard
4. Narnia, and all its bitch-ass denizens
5. Michael Bay (for his Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake)
