Misunderstood Masterpieces: Heartbreakers
Posted by Will Helm on 04.18.2006
… or, Jiggle What Your Mama Gave You
Last week, this very column featured a film starring one of the more recent recurring individuals in these pages, Jaime Pressly. While she may be making a run toward usurping another young, HOT CHICK actress' place in this hallowed series, the aforementioned other actress does have other tricks up her sleeve.
And in other places as well.
While Jaime Pressly may be the challenger, the undisputed HOT CHICK champion of Misunderstood Masterpieces is back this week to defend her crown. Just who is this mysterious HOT CHICK? It's not hard to figure out, considering she can be found here, here, here, and – of course – here. Yes, dear readers, back for a nearly unprecedented fourth return engagement – if only Dan Aykroyd were in fewer films – is the one, the only, Giggly Tits herself, Jennifer Love Hewitt. While in her previous appearances Giggly Tits was a HOT CHICK in peril, a lovable action sidekick, and a downright adorable veterinarian, she's due for a departure from her usual shtick. This time, instead of being totally lovable and just plain cute, Giggly Tits is evil. Well . . . somewhat evil. OK . . . she's still lovable and adorable and all that, she's just also a con woman in league with her scheming mother; all this, and more, in 2001's Heartbreakers! So, can Giggly Tits drop her usual "good girl" façade and make the switch to being evil? Let's find out!
For some reason – some unexplained reason – the music from Clue is playing in the background in the very beginning. Oddly, the opening scene is in a church but, more appropriately, a choir takes over a different melody because Sigourney Weaver is getting married! Well, she's actually not getting married – because it's just a movie – but her character, Max Conners, is tying the knot. And just who is the lucky groom to be worthy of the vessel of Zuul? Henry Hill (Ray Liotta) himself! Ever since he was a little kid he wanted to be married to Ripley. After the wedding, the reception heads back to the Copa – or a reasonable facsimile therein – where Henry flirts with his new bride until his best man cuts in . . . and a bunch of other people as well.
After Max ends up sharing a dance with the busboy, Henry finally breaks up the party and he and his newlywed wife skedaddle back to the hotel because it's NOOKIETIME! Well, it would be nookietime if Henry didn't have to navigate a comically LONG hallway while carrying his bride. Finally, after Henry reaches his room – and breaks into it because his key didn't work – Max takes the lead and strips for her new husband and then she's amazed by his raging manhood. Honestly, that's more than I ever wanted or needed to know about Ray Liotta. Ever since he was a little kid he wanted to be John Holmes. Anyway, Henry, empowered by the awesome power of his masculinity, tackles Max to the bed and then he busts her out of her overly complicated lingerie . . . somewhat. He ends up cutting her mostly out of it but, due to the massive amount of alcohol she consumed that evening, she passes out before NOOKIETIME can commence. Henry therefore quells his raging manhood by dumping a bucket of ice down his pants. If he talks in high-pitched voice for the rest of the movie, now THAT would be funny.
Oh wait . . . that was last week.
The next morning, Henry, very scarily, watches as Max wakes up from her deep, alcohol-induced slumber . . . and somehow she got changed while unconscious. Before a little morning NOOKIETIME can begin, Max gets sick and Henry, unsatisfied, goes to work instead of sticking around. Of course, since Henry is a stereotypical legitimate Italian businessman, he works at an illegal chop-shop; he is a good manager to his workers, though, so he's not all bad. He's just a very egregious stereotype.
In his office, he finds his HOT CHICK secretary bending over in a most lascivious manner . . . and it's Giggly Tits! Well, at least it's actually her character, Page Conners, who just happens to be the daughter of Henry's new wife . . . even though Henry – nor the viewer at this point – knows that. Sorry about the spoiler . . . although I think the trailers and advertising campaign sort of did that for everyone anyway. Page – in her guise as a scantily clad secretary – gives the sexually frustrated Henry some paperwork and, all the while, she displays her feminine charms in his direction. I think Fergie once referred to them as "lovely lady lumps" . . . which always sounded kind of disgusting.
Anyway, Henry, at the end of his sexual rope, gives in to temptation and makes out with Page . . . and then he apologizes for it, since he's technically a newlywed. Well, maybe he isn't, as the marriage was never consummated. An interesting technicality, I must say. Anyway, Henry, after his moment of conscience, goes right back to getting it on with Page and all is well and good until Max shows up outside the office! Dum-dum-DUM! Unfortunately for Henry, he ends up with Page's hair stuck in his zipper and, through a convoluted series of events, Max catches them together and assumes the worst . . . even though almost the worst was going on. Sometime later, at the inevitable divorce proceedings, Max requests alimony of $300,000 and a Mercedes and she blackmails Henry in order to get it. You know . . . she probably shouldn't get anything as the marriage was never really consummated. It'd be really funny if the state needed to know whether they were truly married, so the justice of the peace had to watch them copulate to make sure. Either that, or it'd be kind of creepy.
Afterward, Max and Page meet up at a gas station and everyone finds out that they're actually in cahoots . . . even though it was pretty obvious from the advertising campaign. After Page steals some goof's credit card to pay for gas – even though her mom just garnered $300,000 – she and Max head off to dinner, where Max scolds her daughter regarding Page's bad habits, including smoking, eating meat, and playing cards in public . . . and then she dumps glass in her meal to get it for free. Later, Max and Page go to the bank to withdraw their money since, through the helpful power of exposition before, Page wishes to go solo so she wants her slice of the pie and a quick goodbye, but the IRS is waiting for them! It turns out, much to their chagrins, that they're actually broke . . . other than $2,600. Oh the hilarity.
In order to facilitate her escape from the "family business," Page requests one last score, but she wants to go for broke in Palm Beach, Florida. Max is a bit recalcitrant, since Palm Beach is the toughest place to work, but Page's argument convinces her. Personally, I think it's just an excuse to have Giggly Tits in a bikini as much as humanly possible. Anyway, once there, Max and Page head to the ritziest hotel in town – the Breakers, which inspired the title and then kind of ruined it because the name of the hotel was never mentioned in the movie due to an agreement – and Max pushes down Page in order to get a free room from hotel manager Ed Rooney (Jeffery Jones). Somehow, they get the biggest room in the hotel – or at least one of the biggest . . . I don't know what the average square-footage is – and, once there, they goof around like any non-dysfunctional mother and daughter would . . . even though they were just arguing about Page's desire to break away a few scenes back.
Back in New Jersey – which is littered with stereotypical legitimate Italian businessmen – Henry is upset in his office, because he's still infatuated with Max and he blames himself for their breakup. Somehow, through the helpful counsel of one of his employees, Henry discerns that the reason he's angry is because he was dumped for once . . . so he wants REVENGE! Yeah . . . I don't get it either. Down in Florida, Max and Page cruise around scouting for marks. They don't really see anything – even though Page is quite interested in a mama's boy doctor – until Max and Page find crotchety, hacking Gene Hackman . . . who's worth a few billion dollars.
Since Page wants to scam the mama's boy and Max sees riches in hacking Gene Hackman, they go back to arguing, this time over which job to take, since the rule is that you can only have one job at a time. Somehow, this leads to Max asking that Page feel her derriere in the middle of a restaurant and then Max proposes a wager to decide the next job: they have to hit on Kevin Nealon and get him to buy either of them a drink. Hmm . . . what would happen if he bought both of them a drink at the same time? I'm just wondering. Anyway, even though Page once again utilizes her prodigious feminine charms and compliments Kevin Nealon's salty nuts, Max feigns choking to win the bet.
That evening, Page scouts around and, while Hackman is off at an art auction, vandalizes his car for later in the night. Meanwhile, at the art auction, Hackman smokes just because he can – he is a tobacco magnate, after all – and Max sits a few seats away from him . . . and she steals his program. Simultaneously, Page, perhaps looking to prove herself to her mother, calls the mama's boy doctor to track down his later whereabouts so she can run a scam of her own. Page follows the maid's directions and ends up in a club . . . with Jason Lee, Zach Galifianakis, and Sarah Silverman! Well, this film just got much, much better. Jason Lee, since he's Jason Lee, hits on Page, but she spurns his advances . . . even though he's actually the bartender and doing his job. HILARITY.
While Page garners a free drink from Jason Lee through subtle subterfuge – and being a HOT CHICK – Max accidentally buys an ugly, turgid, nude statue at the art auction through a convoluted series of events, up to and including an inopportune bout of emphysema for Hackman. Behind the scenes of the auction, Max fondles the hard statue and hits on the movers who, due to their distraction, emasculate the statue! Max, unhappy with her now broken artwork, ditches it and then, after the auction, she follows Hackman from the building. Back at the club, Page tries to hit on the mama's boy doctor but he's impervious to his advances; she then tries to gain his attention by pretending to choke but, instead of working, she starts choking instead. After Jason Lee helpfully gives her the Heimlich maneuver – and through a convoluted series of events (I have a feeling I'll be typing that a lot) – she blinds the mama's boy doctor with her spit-out cherry and his mother takes him home, scolding him all the way. Meanwhile, Page curses Jason Lee for his timely intervention and then she storms from the establishment in a huff.
Later, Page – once more on the job for her mom – places a row of spikes across the road that Hackman will be driving down shortly. Unfortunately, instead of Hackman's car, the first automobile to traverse that thoroughfare is Jason Lee's! After he blows his tires and plows into a tree, Page checks on him and learns that he was only following her because she forgot her purse. In retaliation for messing up her carefully laid . . . spikes, Page pushes Jason Lee down a hill; for no explained reason, she follows him moments later. Meanwhile, back on the surface, Hackman crashes due to the spikes and then Max crashes into him. At the bottom of the hill, Page makes out with Jason Lee to distract him – it's those feminine charms again, I'll reckon – while Max hits on and then hits Hackman with a roll of quarters so she can take him to the hospital. After the job is done, Page leaves Jason Lee in the bushes, just because she can; I guess it's ample cover in case he needs to help himself out.
The next day, Page goes back to the bar, since she forgot her purse . . . again. Sheesh . . . is it bad to use the same plot device twice in the span of five minutes? I'm just wondering. Page and Jason Lee, since they're obviously star-crossed lovers, trade witty banter and then, through Sarah Silverman's helpful exposition, Page discovers that Jason Lee is rich . . . sort of. Well, if he sold his bar, he would be. But that would make Sam Malone sad. At the hospital, Max – disguised as a Russian woman – visits Hackman and they make a date for sometime in the very near future . . . and Max meets Hackman's very mean, suspicious maid (Nora Dunn) while there. Elsewhere, Page trails Jason Lee – since he's her new mark and she doesn't have any feelings for him whatsoever – while Max and Hackman hilariously go to a Russian restaurant . . . since Max is "Russian." Through a convoluted series of events involving miscommunication, Max – who is a diet-conscious vegetarian . . . or at least seems to be – accidentally orders steak Tartare, much to Hackman's lascivious glee.
Meanwhile, for all the guys dragged to watch this film, Page gets stuck in some mud. If you've ever wanted to see Giggly Tits somewhat covered in mud, then this is the film for you; everyone else, stay away . . . but I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway, Jason Lee, serendipitously, shows up to aid Page in her time of need and then she learns that he's an amateur astronomic photographer . . . which really has nothing to do with anything. Page is not amused by this low-income development, until Jason Lee shows her his giant . . . telescope. Then, just to ply her affections, he shows her a crab and a cluster . . . which, if they weren't truly celestial bodies, sound like something a doctor should check out. Oh, and they make out. Can't forget that.
At the restaurant, Max wants a little private time to work her personal magic on Hackman but, before she can do her thing on the old man, she gets picked for karaoke! Umm . . . karaoke? In a Russian restaurant? Whatever, movie. Whatever. Anyway, after a few tense moments of Max making up a song on the spot, she bumbles her way out of the situation by singing The Beatles. Ah, I guess all this movie needed to be complete was a musical number. Unfortunately, I don't know whose idea it was, so I don't know who I should get REVENGE on for thinking this. On the beach, Jason Lee and Page relax together and he – like any "sensitive" guy – wants to know about her . . . mainly because she doesn't believe a word she says. Hmm . . . and usually the roles are the other way around. I guess Heartbreakers strikes a blow for feminism. Perhaps not, though, as, before she can give Jason Lee an answer, she runs away from him and his probable desire for lovin'. Well, all men are rapists anyway; Catherine McKinnon would be proud.
The next day – or sometime later . . . the damned vague timeframe is in effect again – Max and Hackman go golfing and, all the while, he brags about smoking kids. Ah, there's nothing like social commentary in a romantic comedy. Aren't you clever, movie! Later, Hackman gives Max a gift, specifically a lighter – she was expecting an engagement ring . . . like all goofy girls would. You know, anymore I think that divorce rates are so high because girls are obsessed more with the concept of being engaged then they are with being married. When you think about it, it makes sense, too; getting engaged is all upside. She gets a giant ring and she has the fun of planning a wedding . . . because, after all, it is HER day. And then, after the marriage, she's entitled to – in many states – at least half of her husband's property in the event of a divorce. Honestly, what's so unscrupulous about what Max and Page are doing, since so many girls are already doing that anyway, albeit unintentionally? Yeah . . . I'm going to get letters for this. Anyway, one of the Conners family does get a ring, but it's Page and it's a meteor ring from Jason Lee . . . although I think she expected a rock of a different sort too.
Bitches be crazy.
Later that night, Page breaks into Hackman's compound while Hackman kills a parrot with a cigarette. Yes, it makes no sense. While Page plants evidence as per her mother's orders, Max accuses the mean maid of stealing her lighter. Upon investigation, Hackman learns that the maid – thanks to Page's handiwork – has stolen Max's lighter, jewelry, and a plethora of cartons of cigarettes . . . so Hackman has her arrested. The next day, Page – disguised as a scantily clad British domestic – applies to be Hackman's new maid; meanwhile, Jason Lee waits for her, since they have a date, but she stands him up due to the long interview process . . . which mainly involves Page fondling Hackman's genitalia after spilling coffee on him. I guess she's a "full service" housekeeper.
After the audition, Page visits Jason Lee's bar and discovers that he was waiting for her the whole time . . . because he's in love! Meanwhile, Max, watching from the periphery, is not amused by this plot development. Neither am I, Max . . . neither am I. Later, in the hotel room, Max lectures Page about being a girl and she confesses that she resents Page's existence and – in a kinda, sorta way – wishes that Page had never been born. Page, perhaps distraught at her mother's heartlessness – not that scamming men out of their money makes either of them sympathetic characters – reconciles herself at Jason Lee's . . . and they make out again. Page, due to her mother's speech, tries to prove to herself she's not in love, but it doesn't work . . . and her conscience isn't happy about it, so she bugs out again. Can you say "drawn out plot point"? I knew you could.
At lunch sometime afterward, Max meets with the IRS agent (the late, great Anne Bancroft) from earlier in the film and it's revealed that – dum-dum-DUM! – the tax trouble was all a ruse to keep Page from breaking away! The IRS agent is none other than Max's mentor in disguise! Meanwhile, Page sulks because she's giving up on Jason Lee due to her mother's interference; Jason Lee, who's just as much a stalker as Page was earlier, still wants her, so he calls her constantly. That evening, Hackman visits Max in her hotel room . . . and he has the ugly, erect – and now fully repaired – statue from earlier in the film. Well, at least it's got continuity. Meanwhile, Max has something else: fake deportation papers! Hackman is disappointed by the development because, even though Max went the extra mile of forging deportation, he was going to ask her to marry him anyway. Oh the irony!
While Page watches Jason Lee from her car, she tries to dump him over the phone. Umm . . . I think that's called "sending mixed messages." Jason Lee figures it all out and he asks Page to marry him . . . but she refuses even though she probably really, really, really, really wants to. Because, you know, it would be HER day. Over at the hotel, Hackman wants some lovin' from Max, so he strips down to his boxers and, before the passion can even ignite, he croaks! Gee . . . thanks for showing up, Mr. Hackman. Seriously . . . was his character even necessary? Anyway, once Page gets home, she and Max hide Hackman on the balcony but, through a convoluted series of events, he falls to the ground below. Oops. Luckily he didn't make much of a mess and ABSOLUTELY NO ONE SAW IT, otherwise it'd be kind of tricky to clean up.
While Max rushes down to retrieve her deceased paramour, she runs into Henry in the lobby! Uh-oh . . . it's time for some REVENGE! Or not, actually, as Henry apologizes profusely and asks Max to marry him again. Even though Max refuses at first, Henry convinces her by serenading her and making a scene, much to her embarrassment. After the happy couple reunites, Max takes Henry back up to her room and she introduces him to the wonders of BDSM . . . and then she leaves him there. With Henry safely indisposed, Max and Page bring Hackman back to his house in order to carefully set up his death scene . . . even though it's kind of hard to explain how he fell from a balcony – with all the injuries therein – and landed in his bedroom.
Henry, now untied thanks to a helpful, extortionist maid, follows Max and Page to Hackman's and, once there, he finds Max in a very precarious position under Hackman's corpse. Just what this movie needed: necrophilia. While Henry is obviously disgusted by Max's apparent love for the dead – which would probably explain why they never consummated their marriage . . . his pulse was a turn-off – Page shows up and then Henry has a miraculous epiphany and he realizes that Max and Page were in cahoots all along and that they're both crazy. So am I at this point, Henry; so am I.
Max, now willing to negotiate a better settlement with Henry, reveals that she wants him . . . but Henry merely wants REVENGE so he plans on exposing Max and Page's little scam. Max, master con artist that she is, convinces Henry to forget about that by telling him that she can give him a refund of his cash . . . and then she reveals to Page that the IRS thing was all a ruse. Page, rightly so, freaks out. Later, though, it turns out that Max's mentor – the ersatz IRS agent – screwed them all over and absconded with Max and Page's money all along, much to Henry's doubly gulled chagrin. Henry, perhaps wisely, takes back the Mercedes and hightails it out of there, leaving Max to FINALLY realize just how terrible a mother she is and break down on a bench.
In order to cheer up Max, Page reveals that she's willing to set up Jason Lee and, somehow, Henry gets in on the action too. Then, immediately after, Jason Lee and Page get engaged but, unfortunately for the criminal masterminds behind the plot, he's unwilling to sell the bar. Page, disappointed by this development, attempts to dump Jason Lee but, before she can break away, Henry and Max show up posing as two relatives to really press the issue. Later, they all go on a cruise to celebrate and Max, in one of those creepy scenes this film is oh-so good at, hits on Jason Lee; luckily, Page and her feminine charms distract him while Henry shoots at fish. No, I'm not lying.
A few moments later – since this movie REALLY has to pick up the pace after wasting nearly two hours – Page and Max go shopping for a wedding dress and then Page gets hitched on the beach. After the wedding, Max once again hits on Jason Lee at the reception but – ironically – he's not that receptive to it. Later, Page half-heartedly fakes passing out at the hotel, leaving Jason Lee to visit Max in her room where she tries, once more, to seduce him. Yet again, it doesn't work and – this time – Max is amazed that Jason Lee really does love Page . . . and not just her lovely lady lumps. Of course, this is all moot when, after Page punches out Henry, she finds an unconscious Jason Lee in bed with Max! Dum-dum-DUM?
Unsurprisingly after this engineered betrayal, Page and Jason Lee get divorced and Page gets paid. Henry, meanwhile, confesses that he really does love Max and Max, following suit, confides that she set up Jason Lee and drugged him when her advances didn't work. Henry, showing a conscience for the first time in the movie, exclaims that he doesn't want Jason Lee's blood money and then he lectures Max about the importance of being a good, honest, and honorable parent. Umm . . . I think it's a little late for that, Hank. Later, Max finally tells Page the truth about everything that's been going on for the past ten minutes and Page, unsurprisingly, tries to kill her. Max, perhaps fearing for her life, apologizes . . . and then she and her daughter bond for the first time ever. Why yes . . . it doesn't make a lick of sense. Max ends up with Henry and Page, Jason Lee, and the bar get back together . . . and then Max and Henry plot REVENGE against Max's mentor. Oh the hilarity.
When it all comes down to it, Heartbreakers takes a fairly original plot – female con artists trying to do their job while trying not to fall in love – and totally mishandles it in every way, shape, and form. First, for what was apparently trying to be a romantic comedy, the film is neither romantic nor comedic and – even if it were either – it is still far too long and, hence, dull to be of any entertainment value. Heartbreakers also totally wastes Gene Hackman on an altogether pointless plotline that doesn't really go anywhere except as a plot contrivance to reveal the ruse to Ray Liotta's character (who really isn't Henry Hill, by the way). None of the characters – save Jason Lee and his cohorts in the bar – are remotely likable since they're all mainly self-absorbed rather than sympathetic. If one were to remake Heartbreakers and streamline it – taking out the pointless plotlines and adding some sympathetic qualities to fully-realized characters – it could be a nifty and inventive little flick; as it stands now, it's just a Misunderstood Masterpiece.
Join me next week as Matthew Perry bumbles his way through a movie in that way that only Matthew Perry can . . . just with a British HOT CHICK by his side. See you then!
