Warped News 04.20.06: The “Hellspawn Is Born” Edition

Posted by Cris Murphy on 04.20.2006

You just can’t beat Max Headroom dissecting aliens. Believe me…you can’t.

Welcome back to another edition of the wildest and weirdest news report here at 411Mania…at least on Thursdays. At this point last week, I was kneeling and praying to the porcelain god for 6 straight hours. I had one of those 24-hour bugs that had liquid spewing out of both ends of me for quite a while (and at times, at the same time). After hour 5, I realized I couldn't tough this out, so I headed over to the emergency room. With the help of some good medication and many IV bags of saline, I was able to get my stomach under control and get some actual food inside me. Believe me, I'm better now.

But, enough of regurgitating Doritos forever. It's time for a healthy dose of Hollywood grist to satisfy you lust for gossip and boobs. Get ready for the monumental vehicle on the information superhighway known as…


All the News, New and Improved

Get ready for the fireworks…
According to Studio Briefing, John McTiernan, who directed such movie blockbusters as Die Hard, The Thomas Crown Affair, and The Hunt for Red October, pleaded guilty to perjury charges. McTiernan was charged that he lied to FBI investigators about whether he knew that private detective Anthony Pellicano had engaged in illegal wiretapping on his behalf.

The director reportedly struck a plea bargain with prosecutors, in which he agreed to provide further information about Pellicano's alleged snooping. He admitted to U.S. District Judge Dale Fischer on Monday that he paid Pellicano $50,000 to wiretap producer Charles Roven in the summer of 2000. This is big news. Not only has a well-known director gone down in flames because of this wiretap scandal, but it's gives more evidence against Pellicano. This puts a lot of pressure on Pellicano to cop a plea and spill the juice on everyone he's ever spied on and for. If that happens, there are a lot of A-list actors and studio executives that will hang for this.

Case in point…in a front-page article, the New York Times reported that contacts between Pellicano and Paramount chief Brad Grey and former superagent Michael Ovitz were more extensive than they had previously acknowledged. The newspaper, citing raw FBI records, indicated that Grey, who previously had said that he was only "casually acquainted" with Pellicano, had numerous meetings with him, including several about a projected TV series about a private detective that Pellicano had come up with.

According to the government documents, the Times also reported that Ovitz acknowledged that in 2002 he had hired Pellicano to see if he could discover "embarrassing information" about 15-20 people who were "coming after" him as he was attempting to sell Artists Management, a company that he founded after he was forced to step down as President of the Walt Disney Co. Both Grey and Ovitz have maintained that they had no knowledge of Pellicano's alleged wiretapping activities on their behalf. A lawyer for Ovitz told the Times that if Pellicano "used illegal means to get information that he thought would impress Mr. Ovitz, that was not done with Mr. Ovitz's knowledge and consent."

But if the government can prove that Ovitz wanted "embarrassing information" on people, then it doesn't matter if Ovitz had knowledge. It's a conspiracy, and you don't need tacit information of what specifically is going on if you're the one who unleashed Pellicano to begin with.

I present to you…Wonder Woman?
A couple of weeks ago, I asked who would make a better Wonder Woman…Charisma Carpenter or Kate Beckinsale. Most of you dear readers who voted said Charisma…a very good choice. Then news came around that the Kate Beckinsale-Wonder Woman story was an April Fool's joke story that caught legs in the mainstream media. Now I present a new story on our favorite Amazon.

According to Contact Music.com, Wonder Woman's internet fans have waded into the ongoing casting debate about who should play the big screen superheroine. Amid reports that Charisma Carpenter is the favorite, film fans have made a last-minute attempt to turn Whedon's head towards Morena Baccarin, who starred in director Joss Whedon's "Firefly" and Serenity. Moviehole.net held a poll for fans to vote on who they would love to see as the hot Amazonian princess, and former daytime soap star Nadia Bjorlin is also among the favorites, while Carpenter comes in at three on the new Wonder Woman list. Eliza Dushku, Rebecca Romijn and Jessica Biel also received many votes.

So, here's where I come in and announce our official 411Mania poll. Who would make the best Wonder Woman?


Charisma Carpenter


Morena Baccarin


Nadia Bjorlin


Eliza Dushku


Rebecca Romijn


Jessica Biel

Email me or go to the 411 Forums to submit your choice and your reasoning, and I'll post the results in a couple of weeks.

It is born…and it shall be named Damien…er…Suri
People.com announced that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise "joyously welcomed the arrival of a baby girl, Suri, today," Cruise's rep said in a statement. "The child weighed 7 pounds, 7 ounces and was 20 inches in length. Both mother and daughter are doing well."

The child, named Suri, was born in an L.A.-area hospital – just down the hall from where Brooke Shields gave birth to her daughter Grier on the same day. The name Suri has its origins in Hebrew meaning "princess," or in Persian meaning "red rose," the rep added.

Holmes, Cruise and baby Suri are back home and doing well. I'm sure Brooke Shields will send them baby gifts consisting of Holy Water and Prozac.

Meanwhile, Cruise is spending the rest of his time fending off reports that he'll dine on some afterbirth when his baby is born. In an interview with GQ, Cruise claimed he would eat the placenta after Holmes had their baby.

"I'm gonna eat the placenta, too. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there." But when a GQ magazine interviewer said it would be a big meal, Cruise replied, "OK, maybe I won't." Obviously, Cruise was kidding…at least I think he was kidding. But this is Tom Cruise. Everyone thinks he's crazy. I would believe it if someone said Tom would do this. But now that everyone has the story, Cruise and his lackeys have spent all of their time saying he didn't mean it. Way to know your public, Tom.

CSI: Max Headroom
A story from the London Times claims the creator of Max Headroom, a 1980s television cyber-presenter, has claimed he was one of the hoaxers behind the Roswell alien autopsy film, the grainy black and white footage supposedly showing a dead alien being dissected by American government scientists after a UFO crash.

Alien Autopsy, a movie about the footage, is currently on release across Britain. It stars real-life television presenters Ant and Dec. John Humphreys, a sculptor and consultant on Alien Autopsy who has also worked on special effects for Doctor Who, said it was he who made the models for the alien dissected in the original fake footage.

His confession, 11 years after the Roswell footage was first shown, will raise questions about the role of Channel 4, which unleashed Max Headroom on the world in the 1980s and bought the UK rights to screen the Roswell footage in Britain. The footage was first exposed as a fake by The Sunday Times, but an estimated billion people still watched it around the world.

Rather than being shot in 1947 near Roswell in the New Mexico desert as previously claimed, the film was actually made at a flat in Camden, north London, in 1995. Philip Mantle, a UFO researcher and author who has been investigating the Roswell hoax for 10 years, said Humphreys had been a prime suspect but had never before admitted involvement.

Mantle, who next month will deliver a lecture at Glasgow University on the Roswell story, said, "I didn't think it would take so long, but I am delighted this hoax has finally been exposed and the mystery has been solved." Humphreys says he also appeared in the Roswell film as the chief surgeon. The bug-eyed alien models were filled with sheep brains, chicken entrails and knuckle joints bought from Smithfield meat market. After filming, the dummies were cut up and dumped in bins across London.

For a few short weeks the world held its breath after the 91-minute silent film was unveiled by Ray Santilli, a London-based video distributor. He claimed to have bought the footage, shot on 14 reels, from a retired American military cameramen. Humphreys said the Roswell film was shot by himself, Santilli and three others. He said he spent four weeks fashioning the models from latex using clay sculptures.

I knew all along that the autopsy wasn't real. However, having the creator of Max Headroom involved with this just made my day. I loved Max Headroom as a kid, and it's one of the few TV shows I watched that I still miss. I can't wait for the series to come out on DVD.

The Celebrity Sex Tape Minute™
WENN reports that Colin Farrell and his former lover Nicole Narain have reportedly reached an agreement in their sex tape battle. The star and his former Playboy Playmate girlfriend filmed a sexy video during their brief relationship in 2003, which Farrell accused Narain of trying to sell with Internet Commerce Group (ICG).

Farrell sued Narain last summer for allegedly planning to commercially release the 15 minute footage. The actor is also suing ICG, seeking general and compensatory damages, as well as an injunction prohibiting the promotion and sale of the tape. On Sunday, the feuding pair and their lawyers spent five hours reaching a deal, but Farrell still intends to continue his legal action against ICG. Narain's lawyer Leodis Matthews tells the New York Daily News, "It's an amicable settlement. We were able to completely resolve it. The terms are confidential." Farrell's case against ICG is set for trial in Los Angeles on July 21st. I don't care if this tape gets out or not. I just want Narain to go into porn for a living…


Also in Celebrity Sex Tape news, Sports Illustrated swimsuit covergirl Carolyn Murphy has a sex tape hitting the internet. The tape was apparently stolen from her ex-husband and contains about two hours of hardcore sex, shot over 17 days, during their honeymoon in Barbados. In January, Murphy had her ex-husband arrested for extortion, saying her ex tried to blackmail her with the release of the video.


If you're looking for a video sample…and I know you are…click here. (NOT SAFE FOR WORK!)

Has "South Park" finally gone off the deep end?
According to IMDB.com, "South Park" creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker have used the latest episode of the animated comedy to attack Comedy Central - because the network banned the use of an image of the Prophet Muhammad in an episode.

Last Wednesday's show instead featured an image of Jesus Christ defecating on President George W. Bush and the U.S. flag. The episode also featured character Kyle trying to convince a Fox Network official to show an episode of "Family Guy" with an image of the Prophet Muhammad in it. Kyle tells the network, "Either it's all okay, or none of it is. Do the right thing."

In the episode the Fox officials decided to show the image, but a caption is displayed, reading "Comedy Central have refused to broadcast an image of Muhammad on their network." The ban comes after a Danish publication published caricatures of the Prophet Muhammad that sparked riots around the world. The network is standing by its decision saying, "In light of recent world events, we feel we made the right decision."

Now, I'm not saying anything about the quality of "South Park". I love the show. I think it's the best social commentary show out there…besides "The Daily Show". But Stone and Parker need to remember that Comedy Central pays their bills. They are accountable to their viewers, and if they feel like something in their show could offend a lot of viewers, get them in major trouble with the FCC and lose a lot of sponsors and revenue, then they have every right to censor something out. When Parker and Stone start their own network, they can do whatever the hell they want. Do I agree with Trey and Matt? Yes. Do I understand why Comedy Central did what they did? Yes.

And it looks like the network kept some fundamentalist group from staging a jihad on their asses…Salman Rushdie style.

Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner is MRS. CLETUS SPEARS-FEDERLINE.

If you haven't heard yet, Britney Spears' baby fell out of his high chair and cracked his skull. According to People Magazine, a nanny was taking the seven-month-old tot from his high chair earlier this month when "something snapped," according to a report in People magazine. The baby was taken to a hospital, but was pronounced in fine condition…except for the fact he's unlucky enough to have Britney and K-Dong as parents. But with this mishap behind her, it looks like Britney is stepping up and taking a responsible approach to parenting…she's suing the manufacturer of the high chair.

According to MSNBC.com, Spears is looking into suing the maker of the chair. "The chair's back broke," a "family insider" explained. "She's going to see if there was a fault in the chair." Maybe she should see if there's a fault in the parenting. Oh, that's right. It was the nanny's fault. So, while Brit is showering Kletus with birthday cake and midgets in Vegas, the nanny is raising their son and piledriving him on the floor. The good news is that Sean can finally understand what the hell his parents are saying.

For neglecting your own responsibilities and passing the buck on to someone else, Mrs. Federline is:

Craftsman Utility Cart, Heavy-Duty Rollmaster™
Sears item #00965820000 Mfr. model #65820
This versatile cart features lift out trays on this utility cart
slide shut for a flat work surface with 4-1/2 sq. ft. of space.
Deep storage for tools and a secure lock for the security of valuables.

Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues
Once again, I stoop to popular demand for scantily clad girls to bring you another mainstream media story about porn stars and their extra-curricular activities.

The Los Angeles Times reports that Vivid Entertainment Group will begin selling 30 of its movies online, all of which can be downloaded and burned onto DVDs so that they can easily be watched on TV sets. The newspaper observed that Hollywood studios have prevented even movies distributed legally over the internet from being burned to discs, fearing piracy and the reaction from retailers.

"The simple fact is porn is an early adopter of new media," Paul Saffo, director of the Institute for the Future in Palo Alto, told the Times. "If you're trying to get something established ... you're going to privately and secretly hope and pray that the porn industry likes your medium." The newspaper said that other porn producers are also considering a similar move, expecting that the internet will solve two of their biggest challenges, distribution and privacy.

Meanwhile, AT&T announced this week that it is teaming up with startup Akimbo on a service that would allow its customers to download movies from AT&T's service, Homezone. Akimbo provides a settop box -- no computer needed -- that receives the movies over the Internet and displays them on a TV set.

Wow. When it comes to looking at how new technology and new ways to distribute licensed video/audio, it's the porn industry that's light years ahead of its mainstream counterparts. Who would've thunk? It makes sense. You have to come up with new ways for guys to download their porn without their girlfriend/wife/mother upstairs knowing about it. While the MPAA and the RIAA are busting grandmothers and guys with cell phones, the porn industry is coming out with next generation ways to distribute digital films and making tons of money in the process. Very interesting. Oh, you wanted a picture of a porn star? Not to disappoint…here's Vivid contract girls:


Chasey Lain


Kobe Tai

Don't you wish celebrities would just shut the hell up…oh, I guess they did.
Former activist Jane Fonda says her past holds "too much baggage" in order for her to speak out publicly against the war in Iraq. According to a report by the Associated Press, the actress and former activist says she's been asked to tour the country and speak out against the war in Iraq as she did against the Vietnam conflict, but she's skeptical and indicates that her past is the problem there.

"I carry too much baggage," she says. Hanoi Jane's activism in the '60s and '70s made her a symbol of unpopular anti-war activism and the subject of thousands of bumper stickers and negative reactions
.
She recently told ABC's Good Morning America that she was thinking of going public with her opposition to the war in Iraq. "But then Cindy Sheehan filled in the gap. She's better at this than I am." Well, I'm glad someone can see when no one cares about what they think anymore. Fonda's name is too sullied in the political realm to be sticking her nose into the Iraq War on a national stage. Sure, celebrities can have their own opinion and can and should express them when asked. But no one wants to hear most of them lecturing us about societies ills, when they participate in those ills more than any of us. Thank God that Fonda has the common sense to see that a Jane Fonda Lecture Tour will do nothing but make the right look better than what it is.

The first shot in the DVD Wars is fired…
Although Toshiba's first HD DVD players went on sale at Best Buy and a few other retailers on this week (for *gasp* $499), there were reportedly few buyers, presumably because there are only a handful of movies that can be played on them. Universal and Warner Bros. each released 3 movies this week for the new HD-DVD format.

The fact that The Hollywood Reporter said that only 10,000 decks were shipped to the entire country doesn't help sales either. "The only people who bought are the cardcores [early adopters]," one unnamed industry observer told Home Media Retailing magazine. While reporters, making random checks at Best Buy stores, saw little sales activity surrounding the high-definition players, Toshiba marketing Vice President Jodi Sally commented, "Retailers who have received players to date have reported very positive sales."

I guess 5 sales nationwide are positive. Look, Toshiba may have fired the first shot, but it doesn't mean that it will win the war. At $500, a lot of people aren't going to be buying the new HD-DVD decks. Only when they come down in price will sales start picking up. Secondly, only 3 studios will be releasing movies in the new HD-DVD format. Universal is the only studio that will release solely on this format, and Warner Bros. and Paramount will release titles on both HD-DVD and Blu-ray formats. All other studios will be releasing titles on Blu-ray exclusively.

However, things are exactly rosy at Sony right now. With no Blu-ray deck or titles on the market, they can't sit around and wait for too long. Sony has announced that Blu-ray titles will be released as early as May 23rd (MY BIRTHDAY!) with players made by Samsung out in mid-June. But, Sony's new line of computers will not have any Blu-ray drives on them. It won't be until "early summer" till a Sony computer will be able to have a Blu-ray drive on them. They may lose some of the studios they have in their pocket if they can't get a Blu-ray product on the market.

Time will only tell who will be the next VHS, and who will be the next BetaMax.

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Babe Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…

Former Baywatch babe Gena Lee Nolin gave birth to a baby boy named Hudson Lee Hulse on Saturday in Scottsdale, Arizona. The actress, who is married to hockey player Cale Hulse, already has eight-year-old son Spencer from her former marriage to video producer Greg Fahlman. Nolin and Hulse married in September of 2004, after a friend of Nolin's set them up on a blind date. Baby Hudson weighed in at 8 pounds 6 ounces. Nolin's official representative Jerry Shandrew says, "Mother and baby are doing well and resting comfortably."

Wow! Tom and Katie, Brooke Shields and Gena Lee all had babies in the same week. Wonder if they'll grow up together and form the new hip clique in school. Probably not. Suri would do nothing except get the others to join Scientology. However, to the brand new mother…a photo tribute:








From Pimpstick To Pulpit

Bryan Kristopwitz debuts his new column What!!? This Column??! This week, he talks about why a great written show like "The Unit" is not making the ratings it should. And we're not talking about Randy Johnson. F**k the Yankees!

Mark Markham takes a stunning look at David Lynch's Wild At Heart in her latest Lost Highway.

Steve Vicious continues to pour out the TV news and reviews and includes some nudes of Real World boobs (try rhyming like that K-Fed) in the latest and greatest Vicious TV News Wrap. Word to your mother.

Chad Webb has a great look at the Best Movies Never Made and pictures of the Spice Girls (hey, it's better than giving you their songs) in his latest Big Screen Bulletin.

Check out my and other 411 writers Top 5 Unjustly Cancelled TV Shows. And let me give a hearty "you're welcome" to Arnold Furious for turning him on to "Greg the Bunny." Always glad to hear I converted yet another soul. This is what Tom Cruise must feel like.

Will Helm takes a look at Giggly-Tits (Jennifer Love-Hewitt) and the extraordinary Heartbreakers in his latest Misunderstood Masterpieces.

And since I'll be turning 34 next month, 59 Things a Man Should Never Do Past 30. Don't agree with the Oreo thing.


Coming to a theatre near you…

New to theatres…
American Dreamz: This just might surprise you.
The Sentinel: You had me at Kiefer Sutherland "tracking".
Silent Hill: Will be very silent this weekend.

Also in theatres…
Sexy Movie 4: Review
The Wild: A cheap knockoff of Madagascar.
The Benchwarmers: Review
Phat Girlz: Review
Neal Young – Heart of Gold: Review
Lucky Number Slevin: Review #1 and Review #2
Take the Lead: Review
ATL: Review #1 and Review #2
Ice Age 2: Didn't meet box office expectations.
Basic Instinct 2: If Larry the Cable Guy makes more in his 2nd weekend, you're in trouble.
Slither: Review
Inside Man: As good as you think. Review #1, Review #2, and Review #3.
Larry the Cable Guy-Health Inspector: Why make this? Review.
Stay Alive: Just awful. Review #1 and Review #2
Deep Sea 3D (IMAX): Review
V For Vendetta: Review #1, Review #2 and Review #3
She's the Man: Review
Failure to Launch: Review.
The Hills Have Eyes: Review #1 and Review #2
The Libertine: Johnny Depp in another pompous costume drama.
The Shaggy Dog: Curses to Disney and Tim Allen for remaking this. Goodbye childhood.
16 Blocks: Review
Ultraviolet: The Grandaddy of Suckage. Check out my review, as well as Brian Kristopowitz's review.
Aquamarine: Review
Dave Chappelle's Block Party: Review
Running Scared: Review
Doogal: Sucks.
Madea's Family Reunion: Review
Date Movie: Poor Allyson. Review #1 and Review #2.
Eight Below: Review
Curious George: Review
The Pink Panther: Heard it wasn't half as bad I thought it would be. Review #1 and Review #2
Firewall: Review #1 and Review #2
Something New: Review

That's it for another week of the most warped of the Warped News. I won't be here next week because I'll be getting minor surgery done on my hand. That kind of makes it hard to type. I don't know if someone will fill in for me, so if that happens, please give them all of your support.

Later!