The All-Review Edition -- Hostel, Brokeback, Capote, Wolf Creek, and the bootleg edition of Carnivale Season Two...
The Idiot Box Proper
Feh!
Feh and bleh! There is no interesting news this week, to shoot straight with you. At least, nothing that hasn't been covered already. Nothing that is actually worth making remarks about. So forget it. No news this week.
Miniature Reviews
Here are brief, capsule reviews of every movie I've seen in the last couple of months. True to the 411 Movies format, I'll rate them on a scale of 1 to 10.
Hostel
This is a movie that has more naked women in it than any non-porno I can remember seeing recently. The first half of the film is like a bawdy sex comedy, with gratuitous sex and drug use. And I have to say, I really enjoyed it. And then halfway through, the dark side hits, and all that lovely nudity is replaced by blood, gore, severed body parts, and the tortured screams of the mutilated. "Hostel" is one intense piece of work, guaranteed to shock even the most jaded horror fan. This movie is definitely not for the faint of heart or weak of stomach, but I personally loved it – and even still, I admit that loving it made me feel dirty, like I had jerked off watching a snuff movie or something. Rating 8 out of 10
Wolf Creek
In the abstract, this movie has a lot in common with "Hostel." It starts slow, as two sheilas and a bloke drive into the Australian outback to visit an old meteor crater. It is slow going at first, as the youngsters get to know each other and have fun… and then the car breaks down, and they meet Mick. Mick is a bushman, a guy so much like Crocodile Dundee that even his fellow countrymen make jokes at his expense. But the bushman has a dark side, and as the night wears on it becomes a trial of abuse, rape, torture, humiliation, and murder. Mick emerges as one of the creepiest slashers of the last decade, and puts these poor kids through hell. On the bad side, "Wolf Creek" does take too long to get started, and I would have liked more a method to Mick's madness. But still, it was a good movie. Not great, but nice and disturbing. Rating 6 out of 10
House of the Dead 2
The very definition of a low budget B movie, "HotD2" is an inept variation of the Resident Evil/Doom plot, which was in and of itself a variation on "Aliens" by James Cameron. This time the top notch special forces soldiers (all wearing body armor that looks like BMX racing gear) charge into a college campus infected with a virus that turns everyone into zombies. As bad as it is, it has two things going for it : 1) a brief appearance by Sid "Captain Spaulding" Haig, and 2) it is still better than the first "House of the Dead." Rating 3 out of 10.
Capote
Stylishly directed and wonderfully acted, "Capote" is one of those movies that is just as great as everyone says it is. It isn't the world's most exciting movie, true, but the vivid cinematography and the well-played character interaction makes this movie something that any fan of good film can enjoy. C'mon, you've got Phillip Seymour Hoffman (or as he likes to be called these days P-Hoff) Catherine Keener, and Chris Cooper all in the same movie. How could you go wrong? Rating 9 out of 10
Brokeback Mountain
You get to see Ella Enchanted's tits. Rating 9 out of 10
Wiggly Wiggly World
What on earth a review of the Wiggles doing in the Idiot Box? Well, if anyone else out there has, or has had, to take care of a 14 month old girl, you will understand that I have watched this fucking movie every single day for the last two weeks. When I sleep, when I dream, I hear Wiggles music in my head. But it would be easy to just dismiss it as "kid's stuff" (which is most certainly is) and rail against it because it isn't intended to be enjoyed by adults. I can say without hesitation that the Wiggles are head and shoulders above any other kid's music I've ever heard. And damn it, by the 20th time you hear some of the songs, they are pretty damn good. Rating 8 out of 10
Fun with Dick and Jane
See Dick.
See Dick Suck
Suck Dick Suck
See Jane
See Jane Kill Time
Kill Time Jane!
Don't see Dick
Don't see Jane
Don't see Dick and Jane
Fuck with Dick and Jane is no fun
It is no fun at all.
Bad Dick! Bad Jane!
Rating 2 out of 10
Carnivale season 2
HBO has done a lot of good tv work. "Sopranos," "Oz," Six Feet Under," "Curb Your Enthusiasm," and that's just to name a few. Well "Carnivale" deserves a spot with those other names – and it serves that spot even more than a couple of names I mentioned, and those are all damned good shows.
"Carnivale" is more than a damned good show. It's a damned great show. And season two is leaner, meaner, scarier, and all-around better than season one.
But you have to watch season one first, of course. The first season sets the table, although its pace is deliberately slow. From the opening moments of season two, the supernatural is thick in the air of every scene, and the story begins to move rather quickly. You are plunged into a mythological world in which two powerful avatars, one of Darkness, the other of Light, battle for humanity. It's heady stuff, and plays out smartly.
To put it in a nutshell for you, Ben Hawkins (Nick Stahl in the best role of his career) is an chain gang escapee who hooks up with a traveling carnival. Ben is blessed/cursed with a healing touch, but he can only heal someone by hurting someone else. The Carnivale is run by a shady freak named Management, who wants to help Ben find his legendarily fucked-up father Hack Scudder.
Meanwhile, there is Brother Justin (Clancy Brown, in the best role of his career) a preacher who is Ben's opposite number. Brother J holds sway over a rapidly growing flock of devout followers. His powers are massive, and only continue to grow as he amasses an army of zealots.
Brother Justin and Ben Hawkins are on a collision course. Season two is the story of how their paths meet, set against a backdrop of freaks, deranged hillbillies, pedophile maskmakers, hitmen, lunatics, and psychics.
"Carnivale" is one of my all-time favorite tv shows. It was canceled before it's time, and I still lament it to this day. I got the Season Two as a bootleg, as it hasn't been released officially yet. I highly recommend watching both seasons. It is a tremendous television experience.
Rating 10 out of 10
Pimping the 411
Gavin Napier answers the hard-hitting questions about wrestling minutia in "Ask 411." Good column, worth a read – and besides, how can you sleep on a guy named Gavin Napier? Sounds like he has a long handlebar moustache that he twirls while sitting in the drawing room, smoking a pipe and drawing up plans to thwart that blasted Holmes!
And definitely give a browse over at "The 411 Top 5" in which unjustly canceled shows are discussed. I don't agree with all of them, but a lot of good points are raised.
Pimping Myself!
Need some more shit to read?
Well the first place you need to go is here --
http://blog.myspace.com/natehensley
I'm using the blog to post updates and chapters on a crime novel. It's tough, violent, brutal in spots, even – but there is more going on then crime. Check it out
And after that, head over to www.Gainesvillesun.com, where I write a weekly movie review column, and have for about the last five years or so. The latest review is all about "Fun with Dick and Jane" and how it sucks! In great detail! Ch-ch-check it out.
