Misunderstood Masterpieces: Serving Sara

Posted by Will Helm on 04.25.2006

…or, I Thought I Already Covered You Got Served

When it comes to comedies featuring HOT CHICKS in recent years, there has been one particular common thread among many of them . . . a particularly sarcastic common thread: Matthew Perry.

Throughout the late ‘90s and into the new Millennium, the cheeky star of Friends staked his claim on the box office in association with some of the HOTTEST of Hollywood's HOT CHICKS. When not finding his name in tabloids due to "personal demons" or starring alongside Courtney Cox-Arquette, Jennifer Aniston, and Lisa Kudrow, Perry ventured onto movie screens with a plethora of truly HOT CHICKS. How many other actors can boast that they've appeared alongside Salma Hayek (Fools Rush In), Neve Campbell (Two to Tango), and Amanda Peet and Natasha Henstridge (The Whole Nine Yards and The Whole Ten Yards)? Few . . . if any at all. Although I guess I didn't need to answer that question, considering that it's rhetorical and all.

Anyway, perhaps to increase the international flavor of Matthew Perry's co-stars – the above listed comprising of two Canadians, an American, and a Mexican . . . it's like NAFTA in HOT CHICKS! – Perry joined with his first official HOT CHICK actress from Europe in 2002's Serving Sara. And just who is this actress from the "Old World"? None other than model/actress – and former mate of Hugh Grant – Elizabeth Hurley! Just how do a prim and proper British HOT CHICK and a sarcastic Canadian end up in a film together . . . and why do I keep writing so many rhetorical questions? Well, to investigate the former, I believe it's time to consider this Misunderstood Masterpiece; for the latter, however . . . I have no clue. Anyway, let's get started!

Like many films before it – but not quite like Tomcats – the opening credits are, indeed, attempting to be wacky. I guess that makes sense, since it is a comedy and all. The credits, much to my amusement, also seemingly attempt to subliminally suggest something, as they momentarily very nearly spell out the word "vagina." Seriously . . . if you stare at a jumble of "Serving Sara" long enough, it's there. Very cagey, credits; very cagey indeed. Once the film starts proper, sarcastic lead character Joe Tyler (Matthew Perry) explains that he has a terrible job in an expository monologue. Oh no . . . I hope this isn't a science fiction movie in disguise. That's usually the only other place where expository monologues can be found. Worrisome.

Anyway, Joe, on the job, talks to a slot – maybe that's the "vagina" the credits were inferring – while dressed in a tuxedo for no particular reason. In actuality, said "slot" is in a door and the thug on the other side refuses Joe entrance into what must be a place of legitimate business. If you know what I mean. Joe, not content to be refused entry, breaks in through an adjacent unguarded window and then he zips down an elevator shaft like an ersatz Canadian James Bond. I guess we'll call him "Bond. Gordie Bond." Once at the bottom of the shaft – all the action has a strange, pornographic tone to it, doesn't it? – Gordie Bond finds himself in the midst of an illegal underground casino . . . oh, wait. A LEGITIMATE underground casino. Gordie saunters over to a blackjack table and, after bumbling his way through a bet – in that inimitable Matthew Perry way – he accuses the dealer of cheating and then he sasses at the pit boss. Of course, since he's Gordie Bond, it's all a ruse to bring out the stereotypically Italian owner of the LEGITIMATE underground casino (Joe Viterelli) and his two goons. Gordie, his quarry now revealed, serves the stereotypical LEGITIMATE Italian businessman with a subpoena and then, through subterfuge, hastily makes an exit.

After the deed is done, Gordie heads back to the home office where his boss, Cedric the Entertainer, yells at him for no particular reason. I'm getting the feeling Cedric the Entertainer is quickly becoming the "urban" Dan Aykroyd in this very column. He's already been in Man of the House, he's in this film, and I'm sure that he'll be in at least one more column in the very near future . . . if not many more. He is slated to be in the remake of the Rodney Dangerfield classic Back to School, after all. There is a reason why Mr. the Entertainer doesn't like Gordie: he's in love with Big Pussy. See . . . "vagina." Or not, as it's actually former Soprano Robert Pastore rather than a giant pudendum. Anyway, it seems the reason for Mr. the Entertainer's love of huge genitals is that Gordie is a fallen prodigy of the agency; meanwhile, "Big Pussy" confesses that he doesn't like Miami for no particular reason. No, it doesn't make any sense, so don't ask. Gordie, since he's lovably sarcastic, gives Big Pussy backhanded compliments which are apropos as Big Pussy – and his lack of a brain – screwed up the dates in his file. In order to make peace between his employees, Mr. the Entertainer gives Gordie a job in Texas . . . and hopefully it's not helping Tommy Lee Jones guard a bunch of cheerleaders at a university there. That would just be too much.

Once in Texas, cowboy Ashley Williams (Bruce Campbell) drops Elizabeth Hurley off at the airport. It seems that they're married, although it isn't readily apparent as, after he sees Liz – or, her character, the titular Sara – off, he picks up Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams at another gate. Back in New York, Big Pussy apologizes to Gordie, but Gordie – inconsiderately – isn't receptive to Big Pussy's atonement. Perhaps to get some measure of revenge against his process-serving rival, Big Pussy calls Sara in order to sabotage Gordie's assignment. As if it were scripted that way, Sara leaves when Gordie shows up . . . but some well-meaning but ignorant old lady gives away Sara's ruse and Gordie gives chase! Perhaps ironically, Sara runs into an Estée Lauder spa – even though I thought she was dropped from that contract – and Gordie follows . . . and hilarity attempts to ensue. A little. Very little. Eventually, Gordie loses track of Sara, so the movie can keep going for the time being.

Back at the home office, Mr. the Entertainer once more scolds Gordie for his lack of success and he transfers the job to Big Pussy. Gordie, just like every Canadian secret agent would, tries to defend himself, but Mr. the Entertainer is unreceptive to his pleas. Later that day, Gordie rolls a flaming tire into the lobby of a hotel for seemingly no particular reason; that reason is revealed when Gordie – like his MI6 counterpart – sneaks past the distracted guards and into Sara's hotel room . . . and he steals her phone. Okay then. Gordie, new information in hand – this is strangely developing like a point-and-click adventure . . . I wonder if Sierra was involved in the script – goes to the NYPD and meets up with desk clerk Jerry Stiller. Gordie requests some addresses to go with the phone numbers he stole and then he bribes Jerry Stiller in order to glean the data.

Perhaps as an interlude in the film, Gordie retires to his blacklit apartment where he makes a reservation for "Sara" in Miami. Hmm . . . I wonder why he would do such a thing? Then, oddly, he tastes his homemade wares – and the reasons for the blacklights – some fine-crafted . . . wine. Gordie, unhappy with the vintage, spits it out unceremoniously and then he leaves the apartment; Big Pussy, moments later, enters in his stead. "Hilariously," Big Pussy tastes the wine and he likes it and then he finds "Sara's" reservation in the wastebasket, which serves as his new lead. There's nothing like continuity stemming from a throwaway line from earlier in the film.

The next day, Gordie – hot on Sara's trail – drives up to a fine house in the suburbs and, once there, he rummages through his trunk for reasons not yet apparent. Moments later, at the front door to the house, Gordie – now "disguised" as a natural-gas technician . . . which pretty much entails him putting on a baseball cap – pushes his way into the house and, once there, he gives Sara her papers . . . her DIVORCE papers! Dum-dum-DUM! Oh, Ash . . . you cad! After completing his mission, Gordie calls Mr. the Entertainer and he wants to get paid . . . double the fee Mr. the Entertainer set forth earlier. After Gordie negotiates his compensation, two of the stereotypically LEGITIMATE Italian businessman's goons from earlier in the film arrive on the scene to pummel Gordie; Sara, instead of calling the police or helping, instead watches from the house, entertained by the scene. Way to build up a sympathetic character there, movie.

Anyway, after the goons make off with Gordie's car, he hops the next bus back to New York City; unfortunately for him, while he tends to his wounds, Sara commandeers the bus and joins him in an adjacent seat. While Gordie waits for his bloody nose to stop dramatically bleeding – seriously . . . it's only a small trickle, probably for comedic effect – Sara lectures Gordie about letting her know about her impending divorce. Somehow, through her bit of rambling, Sara reveals that Big Pussy tipped her off back at the hotel – which we knew but Gordie didn't. Gordie, instead of plotting REVENGE, already knows that his REVENGE is in action as Big Pussy is stuck in Miami and arguing with a Cuban taxi driver. Oh, the hilarity. Or not.

Back on the bus, Sara, for no reason in particular, interrogates Gordie about the nature of divorce. Evidently they don't have such things in the United Kingdom. Henry VIII must be really ticked about that too. Gordie, since he's an ersatz Canadian secret agent and international playboy, explains that men are, inherently, sleazy and then he lets slip that Sara is a HOT CHICK. After sort-of complimenting Sara, Gordie then pontificates regarding the vagaries of state-by-state divorce laws in the United States, specifically how Ash looks to make out since the divorce is based in Texas. Moments later, after Gordie then divulges that divorce laws in New York are more skewed toward the to-be-ex-wife, Sara conspires to reverse the divorce so that she is the aggrieved party and the proceedings are based in New York. Gordie, even though it is against the code of his vocation, agrees when Sara pledges $1,000,000 in fees. Of course, there's always the threat of Big Pussy, so Gordie shrewdly calls Miami and changes "Sara's" reservation there to thwart his nefarious colleague.

The covenant now set in stone, Sara and Gordie head down to Texas to go in search of Ash . . . and with Kid Rock playing in the background. Ah, there's nothing like a soundtrack to date a movie. At Ash's office building, Sara and Gordie joke around and then they take a tour of a gym? Something tells me I missed something here. Anyway, while Sara and Gordie pretend to be British – well, Gordie, at least . . . since Sara already is a Brit – Gordie breaks off to tour the men's facilities with the guide, leaving Sara – who is supposed to be inconspicuous – to freak out after seeing Ash hitting on a HOT CHICK trainer. After Sara blows her and Gordie's cover, Gordie swoops in to attempt to serve Ash with divorce papers, but the HOT CHICK trainer – inconceivably and "hilariously" – beats up Gordie. He's not a very effective secret agent, I will admit.

Their mission now failed – for the moment – Gordie and Sara argue outside of the gym. Gordie, cagey fellow that he is, elects to blackmail Sara with her divorce papers and then he tries to quit but, due to his ill-conceived agreement with Sara, he has no life and no job to go back to. Meanwhile, down in Miami, Big Pussy – "hot" on Sara's trail – learns, much to his chagrin, that Sara is no longer in Miami but is now residing in Maine. Elsewhere in Texas, Ash, enraged by Sara's evil scheme, calls Mr. the Entertainer looking for some answers to this new development. Mr. the Entertainer, consummate professional, reassures Ash . . . and then he makes fun of him and his Texas drawl.

While Mr. the Entertainer makes light of Ash's mannerisms, Ash – and his lawyer – plot REVENGE! In order to facilitate said REVENGE, Ash calls his hired goon (Terry Crews) – there sure are a lot of goons in this movie – who is busy intimidating a mailroom clerk and threatening some guy in a wheelchair. Wow . . . now that's impressively evil. Ash, wisely, orders his goon to take care of Gordie . . . which makes a lot of sense. Although it'd be quite a swerve if Ash told the goon to go get his laundry. While Ash commands his goon to enact Operation: REVENGE, Big Pussy calls up Mr. the Entertainer and he's comically freezing to death in Maine. Luckily for Big Pussy, Mr. the Entertainer puts him back on Sara's trail and headed in the direction of warmer climes, since his quarry is now in Texas. After relaying this crucial piece of information to Big Pussy, Mr. the Entertainer calls Miss Cleo in another VERY dated pop-culture reference.

Back at Ash's office building, a helpful secretary rats out Ash's current whereabouts to Sara and Gordie. With the new information, Gordie and Sara then turn their attentions toward Ash's ranch in Durango; unfortunately, once at the local airport, Sara discovers that procuring tickets won't be as easy as she thought as Ash had all of her credit cards cancelled. While Sara has a nervous breakdown in the bathroom due to her unfortunate destitution, Gordie and Big Pussy lock eyes at the airline counter . . . and then Gordie throws a crazy dog at Big Pussy. Sadly, he isn't Queen Elizabeth, so he has no experience in fighting off crazy dogs and the dog bites his bum . . . as well as more than a few other parts of Big Pussy's anatomy. While Big Pussy is being eaten – get it? "vagina"! – Gordie and Sara make a break for it and Sara ends up on a baggage conveyor belt with Gordie between her legs. Well . . . I guess it's time for a romantic interlude. We already had the foreplay with Big Pussy and the dog, after all. Perhaps my conjecture is more correct than I think as Gordie, in order to rescue Sara – as well as probably put some moves on her – tears off her pants. Smooth, Gordie; real smooth.

Gordie, after stripping Sara down to a semi-clothed state, waits for her to emerge with new finery and she emerges from the terminal dressed as a white-trash hooker. Or Britney Spears. Meanwhile, inside the airport, Big Pussy "helpfully" steals Gordie's wallet as Gordie and Sara drive to the ranch . . . and she requests that they stop for a hotel room. Something tells me this is another little interlude coming up. Later that evening, at the ranch, Big Pussy – who must've used a temporal warp to get there so quickly – wanders around, steps in manure, and gets shot at. Hilarity ensues. At the hotel – which Sara requested – Gordie tries to finagle a room from the desk clerk, Mike Judge. Perhaps in order to convince the creator of Beavis and Butt Head to give them a room gratis, Sara uses the awesome power of her breasts – not to be confused with the Awesome Power of Samuel L. Jackson™ . . . coming soon in a theater near you in Snakes on a Plane – and it works!

Once in the room, Sara immediately takes a shower but, as this is a PG-13 movie, there is – of course – no nudity. Even though she flashed Mike Judge earlier. She does have a very nice back, though. Anyway, after finishing her ritual cleansing, Sara forces Gordie from the bed and he – like any sarcastic secret agent would – attempts to lie between two chairs . . . until Sara stars asking him about what he wants to do with his $1,000,000. Hmm . . . let's see . . . he could buy a K-car, John Merrick's remains, or even a fur coat . . . but not a real fur coat (that's cruel). In actuality, Gordie wants to leave the secret agent business behind and become a vintner all because he was once a failed attorney due to his conscience getting the best of him. No, really. Sara, amazed by Gordie's honesty and sentimentality, lets Gordie into bed with her . . . but there's to be no shenanigans. All I want to know is how Gordie is going to buy a vineyard for only $1,000,000. Those must be some cheap grapes.

The next day, at the ranch, Sara and Gordie spy on Ash, who's doing business with a group of Japanese business-cowboys. While they watch in amazement, the goon shows up looking for them, so Gordie and Sara escape to a nearby barn . . . and therein they pose as veterinarians. This ruse is not ideal, though, as the cowboys in the barn are in dire need of bull semen. From the bull. Not for them. Perverts. Anyway, somehow the cowboys rope Gordie into doing the deed for them – since he is posing as a veterinarian and all – so they lube up his arm and Sara shoves him inside the bull's nether regions. While Gordie forcefully manually stimulates the bull, exposition happens, specifically that Ash is planning on selling the company to the Japanese business-cowboys! Dum-dum-DUM!

After leaving the bull behind, relieved and probably smoking a cigarette, Gordie and Sara run afoul of the goon and he unceremoniously wrecks their car . . . so they merely steal a conveniently parked veterinarian's truck. Hmm . . . if this were a more profound film, one could perceive that turn of events as ironic. In light of the recent events at the ranch, Ash's lawyer calls Mr. the Entertainer to find out what the deal is with Gordie and Sara; Mr. the Entertainer, in turn, calls Big Pussy, who is currently in the hospital getting – hilariously – shaved because of some shotgun pellets that need removal from his expansive, hairy back. Ah . . . that's a lovely visual to have.

While Big Pussy has his weeds whacked at the hospital, Gordie and Sara conspire to break into Ash's mansion. While Sara sneaks into the back, Gordie runs interference in the front by pretending to be a Latino relative of the housekeeper for Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams, the mansion's current resident. Ah, that crafty Gordie; there's nothing like the talents of a Canadian secret agent. Gordie, unfortunately, falls prey to his one weakness: he's quite impressed by Ash's collection of wine! Meanwhile, in another part of the house, Sara steals some of Ash's files from a safe and then she absconds some money as well – hmm . . . isn't that illegal now? – and then she goes to collect Gordie and she finds him with . . . the HOT CHICK! Catfight! Catfight! Or not, as Sara and Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams merely argue for a bit until Sara and Gordie leave . . . and steal Ash's Jaguar in the process.

Sara and Gordie, now with some spending money thanks to her crafty subterfuge – perhaps she's "Sara Bond"? – retire to a fancy hotel . . . and then I wonder when the nookie starts. Seriously, they're building up enough sexual tension here; they need to release it eventually. Perhaps the bull from earlier was a metaphor for Gordie and Sara's relationship. Or not. Anyway, while Sara draws herself a bubble bath – she's really talented with a pencil and paper . . . bad joke! Bad! – she and Gordie chat about Ash's future business plans, specifically selling the company to the Japanese business-cowboys. Now, I don't know if I'm right, but I would think now she'd want to wait to serve the divorce papers since Ash will be A LOT richer after the transaction . . . but that's just me. Perhaps she just wants to take the money and run; Billy Joe and Bobby Sue would be proud. After the business discussion, Gordie half-heartedly hits on Sara and then they give into their carnal lusts . . . and make out. Remember: PG-13. Sara then decides – since Gordie must smell of poutine, shaken, not stirred – that she needs a bath, so she retires to the bathroom and leaves Gordie to relieve himself whatever way he sees fit.

Gordie, perhaps before or after giving himself a helping hand – that'd be the second time he's done that today . . . just once not on himself – goes down to the hotel bar and, while Gordie is distracted by a mechanical bull, Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams shows up! She confesses to him, remarkably honestly, that she's nothing but a gold digger . . . but she ain't playin' with no broke . . . "urban individual." Ahem. Anyway, perhaps in order to solidify her financial future, Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams proposes a deal with Gordie: she'll rat out Ash for $1,000,000. Gordie, perhaps besotted by drink, afterglow, or Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams' breasts, goes along with the bargain and he brings his newfound associate up to chat with Sara, who is now finished her bath and clothed. Instead of Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams divulging Ash's whereabouts, Big Pussy – in league with Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams the whole time – busts in and hands Sara her divorce papers! OH SNAP! YOU GOT SERVED!

After Big Pussy and Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams take their leave, triumphantly, Sara scolds Gordie about screwing up – maybe she shouldn't have left him wanting female satisfaction . . . but that's a very chauvinistic view – and then she throws him out of the hotel room and out of her life. Meanwhile, Big Pussy, flushed with success, calls Mr. the Entertainer with the good news and Mr. the Entertainer celebrates the victory . . . and dances. Is that in his contracts or something? Meanwhile, in Texas, while Gordie reminisces over a picture of Big Pussy serving Sara – which sounds bizarrely dirty and slightly Sapphic – he has an epiphany! He, now empowered by his secret-agent skills and the power of continuity – calls Mr. the Entertainer with an important piece of exposition: Big Pussy screwed up the times on the papers due to the time-zone difference! OH SNAP! SHE DIDN'T GET SERVED . . . sort of.

While Mr. the Entertainer calls Big Pussy in order to let him now that he screwed up and he should fix it immediately, Gordie picks up Sara at the hotel and, to demonstrate his argument about the time and such, he points to a watch he's not wearing. What was that about continuity? I take it all back. Somehow, Gordie and Sara find Ash at a restaurant with his goon and the Japanese business-cowboys and, just because the film needs to kill about ten more minutes, a chase breaks out. Ash finds respite in a monster truck rally . . . and then everyone else in the film follows . . . except for Oscar-nominated HOT CHICK Amy Adams; I think her character has served its purpose.

While Ash hides out in the stands, Gordie and Sara, harnessing their secret agent powers, hijack the public-address system and they out Ash, leading a Carol Leifer look-alike – who may just be Carol Leifer – to freak out. Gordie, with Ash now out in the open, gives chase anew and then Big Pussy, who had commandeered one of the monster trucks for surely comedic purposes, gives chase as well and then the goon, who had stolen a motorbike for purely comedic purposes, gives chase. Got all that? Anyway, somehow, Big Pussy ends up running over the goon and Sara knocks out Ash with a six-pack – she should've used the awesome power of her breasts . . . now that would be continuity – so Gordie FINALLY serves him divorce papers. As an epilogue, Big Pussy and the goon fight into the ambulance and Sara and Gordie retire to a nice vineyard where they make terrible wine and a lot of love. Literally. Although offscreen. PG-13, remember?

When all is said and done, Serving Sara, as paint-by-numbers as it is, isn't a bad film; while the plot is hackneyed – as usual – the likable actors make the most of it. Even though Mr. the Entertainer is about as overexposed as one can get nowadays and Big Pussy is nothing without The Sopranos, the combined talents of Matthew Perry, master of sarcasm, and the always awesome Bruce Campbell make Serving Sara tolerable. If there's nothing else good on, it's not a terrible time killer . . . while not being a good movie, either. As it stands, Serving Sara is neither bad nor good . . . which makes it the best of the three films I've covered in this trilogy. Whether that's a compliment or an insult remains to be seen.

Join me next week as I begin a new trilogy investigating one of Hollywood's most apparent symbiotic relationships and, as an added bonus, it's also a video-game movie! See you then!