David Copperfield robbed at gunpoint! Doug Henning to blame? Also, Aeon Flux mini-review, and smart remarks a'plenty...
Upcoming Idiocy!
The next few weeks the column will feature a few new recurring bits. I'm constantly trying to keep it fresh, people. (mmmmmmm… fresh people.)
So starting next week, each column will feature a Heel of the Week. To promote excellence in villainy! Nominees for "HotW" can come from any medium – movies, tv, wrestling, politics, comics, cartoons, what have you. It would be nice if it's current, but barring any spectacular old-school heel work, classic heels can be nominated, as well, if it ties into something current. (for example, if I see a rerun I've never seen and it's new to me, then that is valid.).
Each week someone new. After a while I'll keep tabs on who was already voted in, and who has won the most times. Unless I smoke too much pot and forget.
The Idiot Box Proper
Lost star Michelle Rodriguez has chosen to serve five days in a Hawaii jail over a community service stint after pleading guilty to drunk driving yesterday. The actress was asked if she'd like 240 hours of community service or incarceration by a Honolulu, Oahu judge - and she chose a prison spell. Rodriguez was given a day to put her affairs in order and she'll be taken into custody and transported to a women's prison on Hawaii today.
"Man, FUCK community service! I ain't picking up no damn garbage." Michelle Rodriguez, 2006
She just wanted to get it out of the way, then her debt is paid in plenty of time for her post-"Lost" vacation. That's gangsta!
What Would Gob Do?
Magician David Copperfield and two female assistants were robbed at gunpoint on Sunday night, after a performance in West Palm Beach, Florida. At 11:15pm, the illusionist and his assistants, Cathy Daly and Mia Volmut, were walking back to their tour bus when a black car pulled up beside them. According to a statement issued by Copperfield's representative, "At first we thought they were just more people wanting autographs. They told us to give them money and our stuff. At that point we realized that there were guns in our face." His assistants handed over money, plane tickets and other various items. Copperfield turned his pockets inside out to show he had nothing on him - a sleight of hand by the illusionist, who later showed police he was carrying a passport, wallet and cell phone.
It's the Final Countdown! But seriously, could he bake himself into a loaf of bread and then emerge and use it to feed the troops? Or cook himself into a large bisque and ladle it out for the firemen? Probably not.
I actually think it's a funny story – Copperfield getting jacked, but it is impossible for me to think about a magician without thinking about Gob Bluth from "Arrested." And that right there makes it extra funny, as will it for any "Arrested" fan who reads it.
Demonstrating that horror movies can produce a sales bonanza not only at the box office but also at the video store, Sony's Hostel took the top spot on VideoScan's First Alert DVD sales chart for the week ending April 23. The movie, marketed as a "sicker and more twisted unrated" version of the R-rated theatrical release, pushed the family film, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, to No. 2 on the sales chart after holding the top spot for two weeks. Hostel placed second on Home Media Retailing's video rental chart, narrowly losing out to Fun With Dick & Jane, which remained the leader for the second straight week
Why is this here? I just think it's interesting that a movie so violent and disturbing is so popular. Also, I think it's a sign of the times – movies like this and the "Saw" franchise are showing that in our post-9/11 world, when we are confronted with such shocking tragedy and death that in the movies, simply dying isn't scary any more. In horror movies these days, death must be preceded with rape and torture, humiliation and terror. This is what horror movies are doing, because this is what people want to see.
I'm not saying it's good or bad. I really liked "Hostel" myself. I just think it's an interesting perspective, now that Jason and Michael seem almost innocent by comparison.
Mini Review Time
The problem with Aeon Flux isn't that it is terrible. It's that the movie is so generic it shouldn't have been made at all. That there are little flashes of brilliance in the details makes it all the worse, because the overall story is so corny and derivative it plays like a parody of post-Matrix action films.
Check out this "story." It is the future, and the entire population of the planet has been wiped out by a virus, except one big city full of people. This city has been run by an eeeeeeevil dictatorship for the last 400 years. But now there is an underground rebellion to fight the Goodchild power base! Huzzah! Aeon Flux is the top assassin for the rebellion, and gets sent in to kill the leader. But wait, there is a big secret lurking behind the entire society! Goodness gracious!
It is all just so standard and played-out. It doesn't help that I was never a fan of the original cartoons. But even if I was a fan of them, that wouldn't help me like the movie any more.
There are neat touches – gadgets and gizmos and far-out technology that comes across pretty neat. A few of the ideas seemed yanked right out of Grant Morrisson's drug-addled brain. But that only heightens the dullness of the story.
And one other thing I would be remiss to overlook – the awful kung-fu. What is it with all the damned flipping and twirling? Since when is an Olympic gymnastic floor routine a kick-ass fighting style? I hate that shit!
Remember when Indiana Jones is running through that hailstorm of darts coming out of the walls in "Raiders"? He tucked his head down and ran his ass off! When running through a hailstorm of darts in her movie, Aeon Flux just tucks her head down and starts doing cartwheels. Why? Is it faster than running? No, it isn't, and it looks gay as hell.
"Aeon Flux" sux. Big thumb's down.
Pimping the 411
Make time to browse over to "The 411 Top 5" in which guilty pleasure movies are counted down. Now, what some of these dudes were thinking is beyond me. You are bound to raise an eyebrow at least once. And with all that crap, no one picked "Flash Gordon" with Sam Jones and Max von Sydow? COME ON PEOPLE!
I'm using the blog to post updates and chapters on a crime novel. It's tough, violent, brutal in spots, even – but there is more going on then crime. Check it out
And after that, head over to theGainesville Sun
, where I write a weekly movie review column, and have for about the last five years or so. The latest review is all about "Hostel" and "Wolf Creek" and other movies about torture. Yummy torture!
Off the same page you'll find a bi-weekly Podcast, featuring yours truly expounding upon B movies, music, and dumb shit with a couple of actual journalists. It's called Scene and Heard. Look for it!
