Misunderstood Masterpieces: Wing Commander

Posted by Will Helm on 05.02.2006

…or, Rubber Kitties and a Pig-Faced Spaz

All things considered, I still hate sci-fi.

In these columns, I haven't covered many science-fiction films and, on the rare occasion that I have, they haven't been good. I've commented on one of the most misunderstood and overdone films of the '90s. I've sadly skewered an entry in my favorite movie franchise of all time. I've sat through an interminable European take on the genre. I've even had to brave two entries by Kevin Costner. And who could forget the two sequels to The Matrix? Perhaps the last true sci-fi movie I've tackled was the Roger Corman-produced Kurosawa rip-off Battle Beyond the Stars . . . and that was nearly a year ago.

Of course, it is common knowledge – or at least I think it's common knowledge – that I, largely, hate sci-fi and that may very well be why the genre is underrepresented in these pages. So, perhaps in order to rectify that discrepancy somewhat, today I bring another science-fiction fueled Misunderstood Masterpiece . . . and it features one of the most significant symbiotic relationships in Hollywood as well. For those with a negligible knowledge of biology/ecology/whatever other "-ology" is involved, a symbiotic relationship occurs when two organisms, for lack of a better term, "join forces" to better their particular situations, e.g. a bird may clean bugs from an ox, while the ox provides protection for the bird. In Hollywood, there is a symbiotic relationship between two actors who seem never to be apart for very long. Those two actors are Freddie Prinze, Jr., and Matthew Lillard – a.k.a. "The Pig-Faced Spaz." Seriously . . . the dude looks like a pig. Anyway, with their relationship beginning in 1999's She's All That -- which I actually enjoy . . . I think you all can forgive a few guilty pleasures here and there – the next film in this duo's oeuvre followed nary two months after, 1999's Wing Commander, and – amazingly – it is the subject of this very column! So, can the combined power of Buffy's beau and a pig-faced spaz add up to a Misunderstood Masterpiece? Let's find out!

Because we have to go to the moon and do the other thing – not because they are easy, but because they are hard, mind you – John F. Kennedy gets the patented sci-fi expository monologue. Hmm . . . that's a new and interesting change of pace. Anyway, through a cacophonous montage of voice-over people, it is revealed that someone is using probes and then someone else is destroying probes . . . and it's the Kilrathi! Ooh . . . scary. Because the Kilrathi are blowing up probes or have weapons of mass destruction or something, the United States – or the United Confederation of Planets or something like that – goes to war against the alien insurgence. Because they kept blowing up their probes. Yup.

Meanwhile, in space, there are asteroids. As opposed to the local arcades of the late ‘70s. That was Asteroids. Or Space Invaders. Among the asteroids, hidden away from view, is a space station. No, not a moon . . . a space station. A group of guys – who sound awfully like teenagers – are flying out of there to rendezvous with some other ship. Meanwhile, inside the station, the desk clerks are bored, like interstellar analogs of Dilbert. One of them goes off to grab a cup of coffee – or the sci-fi version thereof – and, wouldn't you know it, that's when the Kilrathi decide to show up and attack the space station. The commander on duty, probably justifiably, freaks out and then the Kilrathi invade the space station and steal something called a "Navcom" . . . which just looks like a Die Hard automobile battery. I guess they need to jumpstart their warships or something.

Elsewhere, on another ship, a Scottish guy bothers sci-fi veteran David Warner. Ah, everything's under control; Sark is here. Anyway, through the awesome power of exposition, David Warner reveals that the Kilrathi, much to humanity's collective chagrin, can reach Earth in about two days since they have the car battery . . . I mean "Navcom." David Warner, two-and-a-half days from Earth, calls up another ship with a secret mission . . . and that's where Chris Blair (Prinze) and Todd Marshall (Lillard) are stationed . . . and it just happens to be the same ship that left the space station just before the Kilrathi blew it to smithereens. David Warner – since he's apparently the stand-in for Princess Leia in this picture – relays a message to Blair and gives him a secret mission . . . just like R2-D2! Hmm . . . then that would make Marshall C-3PO which is ironic since in Without a Paddle Seth Green's character repeatedly performed a dead-on C-3PO impression. So confusing. Anyway, Blair's mission – which really isn't so secret . . . more hackneyed and clichéd – is to give this secret message to some other guy . . . and the fate of the world hangs in the balance!

Honestly, when doesn't the fate of the world hang in the balance?

Due to the abrupt change in plans – and the fate of the world hanging in the balance – the ship's crazy captain (Tchéky Karyo) gives Marshall a shortcut to follow and then he and Blair chat about a little bit of expository history. While the crazy captain and Blair are indisposed, Marshall screws up and then there's TENSION as the crazy captain reveals that the little shortcut passes near to a gravity well! What is a "gravity well"? Well – no pun intended – it's some sort of distortion in the space-time continuum. Oh great . . . now this is Star Trek. What's the likelihood they all get thrown forward in their seats or, at least, shield their eyes? Anyway, the crazy captain – since he's crazy – gets all weird and starts breaking stuff due to his frustration with Marshall's insolence. Of course, the awesome power of breaking stuff does the trick and the ship makes it through the anomaly unscathed.

Later, the crazy captain docks his ship on another, bigger ship and, once there, Blair hands over David Warner's message to the ship's captain. Due to the fact that Blair is of some weird, half-breed race – which requires the suspension of disbelief and was what he and the crazy captain were talking about earlier – the ship's Executive Officer (Jürgen Prochnow) is suspicious of Blair's heritage. I have to pity Jürgen Prochnow; his rise to stardom was propelled by his portrayal of a submarine captain in Das Boot and now, whenever he appears in a film, it has to be as some sort of seaman.

After Blair deals with implied racism among his superior officers, he retires down to the motor pool where he finds his compatriot Marshall scoping out the HOT CHICKS. Instead of checking out the females of the species – or, at least the human species, since Blair is a half-breed – Blair elects to peruse an unused fighter . . . and then some HOT CHICK (Saffron Burrows) comes over and bothers him with hypothetical tactics and such. Doesn't she know he's only interested in planes? Silly girl. Blair tries to let her know that she's not his type – since she's not a starfighter – but she's put off by his cockiness and then she reveals that she's . . . his commanding officer! Dum-dum-DUM! After ingratiating himself with his direct superior, Blair attempts to apologize profusely, but Marshall shows up moments later to help defuse the situation. Maybe to take Blair's mind off of starfighters and HOT CHICK commanding officers, Marshall takes his buddy to a party . . . and he breaks out the booze to befriend his fellow pilots. I guess driving drunk in space isn't a crime then.

Meanwhile, the captain – accompanied by the skeptical Executive Officer and the crazy captain – watches David Warner's secret message containing the captain's secret mission. According to David Warner, the captain's duty is to watch the Kilrathi and report the findings to the main fleet . . . which is due at Earth two hours AFTER the Kilrathi show up. While the crazy captain senses danger, the skeptical Executive Officer is, indeed, skeptical. Elsewhere, at the party in the barracks, Blair – due to some miscommunication – gets himself in trouble with the other pilots. Chris Blair: winning friends and influencing people. Marshall, Blair's best buddy, steps up to watch his friend's back but no fisticuffs break out because the HOT CHICK commanding officer shows up to defuse the situation. Later, just because she's the HOT CHICK commanding officer, she gives Blair a lecture about proper etiquette and such. It's too bad she didn't call him "Maverick" in the process . . . although then that would make Marshall "Goose." Unless he's already the film's "Goose" . . . but perhaps I've said too much already.

Meanwhile, back on the bridge or the conference room or wherever stuffy officers talk, the captain plies the crazy captain for advice on the situation. The skeptical Executive Officer – as per his particular idiom – is still skeptical, so the crazy captain gives the captain David Warner's ring, allowing the captain to tell off the skeptical Executive Officer . . . even though he probably could have done that all along. He is the captain of the ship, after all. Elsewhere, Blair and Marshall chat about things, like the birds and the bees and all that. Which would be apropos, since they were both in She's All That. Anyway, somehow their conversation turns to religion and Marshall, since he's all human, requests that Blair give up the cross of his half-breed creed and then he spews forth Sci-Fi Cliché #25: he won't be there to protect Blair all the time . . . which is pretty much diplomatically saying that Marshall will fail Blair at a crucial juncture somewhere in the film.

Perhaps to prove just how unreliable Marshall is, he then goes on patrol – more than likely he won't come back – but come back he does, as he and his partner, Lt. Cannon Fodder (Ginny Holder), goof around while landing back on the ship after their mission concludes. Oh . . . so he's "Maverick" now? Due to Marshall's hot-dogging, he's in hot water with the HOT CHICK commanding officer but, in order to smooth the situation out, Lt. Cannon Fodder – who's also Marshall's burgeoning main squeeze – visits the HOT CHICK commanding officer with a bottle of scotch in hand later in the day. Ah . . . that's what I always do when a friend of mine gets in trouble with the boss: engage in a homoerotic tryst to ease hostilities. Yup.

Elsewhere on the ship, Lt. Chris "Emo" Blair whines to the crazy captain about something-or-other. Maybe someone posted off-color comments on his MySpace page. Luckily for "Emo" Blair – who's 50% more whiney than regular Blair – the crazy captain explains Blair's significance . . . again. Well, I guess this is for the people who weren't paying attention; then again, I can't say I blame them. The movie's already nearly half over and there hasn't been any significant space combat to kill time. Anyway, thanks to the crazy captain's exposition, Blair learns that his ancestors explored space and later developed a natural sense of direction . . . and supposedly they got God-given powers and went crazy. Isn't that always the way?

In order to hasten things along and show off all the cool stuff the director learned in film school, the ship flies into a black hole or a quasar or some other vague astronomical body. While the ship's computer – and the skeptical Executive Officer – protests the ship's current tack, the crazy captain – since he's crazy – tells the crew to ignore the ship's misgivings and they fly through the . . . thing anyway. All of a sudden, just because the director probably thought it was cool, things go into warp speed and then music-video special effects break out for no particular reason. Well, other than the fact that the ship is flying through a quasar or nova or other cosmically themed Marvel superhero.

Later, Blair and the HOT CHICK commanding officer – who may be named Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest – scan an asteroid field for . . . important plot reasons. It's all classified. Anyway, due to the movie needing to pick up the pace, the two intrepid pilots encounter . . . a Kilrathi ship! They steal a page from Han Solo and try to hide out among the asteroids but they get discovered and it's FINALLY time for action . . . except for the fact that Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest makes a tactical retreat back to the ship. Because he's adding the characteristic of "ornery" to his personality, the skeptical, ornery Executive Officer berates Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest and Blair because they got themselves found out by the enemy and mostly because he doesn't like Blair's kind. Luckily for Blair, the crazy captain is there to back him up and then he argues with the skeptical, ornery Executive Officer about their next move. It seems that the skeptical, ornery Executive Officer desires a preemptive strike against the random, undefended, and totally not obviously an ambush waiting to happy Kilrathi ship while the crazy captain wisely sues for prudence. Unfortunately for all involved – especially the scores of unnamed pilots who are probably just around to die dramatically – the captain sides with the skeptical, ornery Executive Officer. Dum-dum-DUM!

Elsewhere on the ship – since he's not good for anything else, it seems – Blair argues with Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest because everyone's putting him down because he's a minority. He finally stands up for himself and his heritage – about time, emo-boy – and she finally breaks down and provides her backstory. It seems that she was in love with a guy but he died . . . which means she's available. She's also cynical and cold but that's now inconsequential. Blair, through the awesome power of his emoting, attempts to make her nice and open up to him – in more was than one, I'm sure. Unfortunately, Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest is still afraid to love; frigid bitch.

Meanwhile, in the barracks, Marshall and Lt. Cannon Fodder get it on but, before they can consummate the relationship for the fourth or fifth time, a call to arms interrupts them. Down in the hangar, Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest explains the (suicide) mission. The squadron simply has to blow up a communication ship. That's it. Nothing else. Of course, the crazy captain – since he's crazy – senses a trap but no one believes him. I'll just call him Capt. Cassandra from now on. Although perhaps I can't, as he reveals – dum-dum-DUM! – that he's actually an agent for David Warner all along and he convinces Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest that the mission REALLY IS a trap through the power of his secret identity. Perhaps to better illustrate his point, the big ship is attacked by a Kilrathi battlegroup just as the crazy captain makes the big reveal!

The skeptical, ornery Executive Officer sits back and realizes that it's all his fault . . . and then he steps to action as the ship takes a few torpedoes. Yes . . . torpedoes. The filmmakers wanted a WWII vibe in the film, so the capital ships are armed with lasers and torpedoes while the starfighters have ersatz Gatling guns. Yep. After a brief melee with the torpedoes, the rest of the squadron returns to rescue their home ship but too late for the captain, as he's dead from a slight head wound. I guess it's because he was bald; no padding for the explosions and such. That's why James T. Kirk always had a fine head of hair – or toupee: to shield him from shrapnel. Nothing was getting by that hair-helmet. The crazy captain, alongside the squadron, blows up the Kilrathi ship and then Marshall and Lt. Cannon Fodder decide to goof around and pick off the last remaining Kilrathi fighters. Hmm . . . is this a good idea? Let's find out! After a bit more hot-dogging, Marshall ends up blowing up a Kilrathi fighter, which then crashes into Lt. Cannon Fodder's fighter. They try to make it back to the ship but she crashes and dies . . . or at least we think she does. Remember that for later. Anyway, Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest pushes her wreckage off the ship and then Marshall, since he should've been afraid to love, goes batty while Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest yells at him and "Emo" Blair tries to calm him down.

Godspeed, Lt. Cannon Fodder; we REALLY hardly knew ye.

After a VERY brief funeral – which is to say "no funeral at all" – the skeptical, ornery default captain – who was once the skeptical, ornery Executive Officer – docks on an asteroid for repairs. I hope there are no mynocs or space slugs there! If so, Chewbacca can take care of it. Perhaps because every film he's been in since Das Boot has to reference Das Boot, the skeptical, ornery captain goes silent . . . and the crazy captain, just like he's done throughout the entire movie, senses danger. The Kilrathi, meanwhile, perhaps not content to let one of their ships be blown up unavenged, search for the big ship . . . using nuclear weapons. Hmm . . . I guess they do have weapons of mass destruction after all. Anyway, due to the thorough nuking, the big ship's hangar bay doors fail and "Emo" Blair is quickly being sucked out. Luckily for him, Marshall decides that he has to be there for him at this point – like they're going to kill of Blair now too; dramatic deaths are what Lt. Cannon Fodder was for – and he lashes a wire around himself and rescues Blair . . . and then he dies regretfully from internal bleeding. I guess he gets to join Lt. Cannon Fodder in that big hangar bay in the sky.

Later, after "Emo" Blair scolds Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest for being a cold, cynical commanding officer, he visits with Marshall, who's miraculously alive and just depressed. I guess nearly being torn in half will do that to a man . . . unless he's pining for Lt. Cannon Fodder. Or both. Or neither. Who knows? Not me. But I did just meet a girl named Maria. Anyway, Blair stumps for his buddy, so Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest takes that into consideration. Meanwhile, the skeptical, ornery captain and the crazy captain are worried because the ship's vital signs are slowly fading and there's a Kilrathi ship coming! Ooh . . . TENSION! Perhaps in order to speed the film along and get all the characters back into gear, the skeptical, ornery captain and the crazy captain conspire to ambush the Kilrathi ship and then Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest rallies Marshall . . . and he wants REVENGE!

Down in the hangar, the crazy captain reveals his crazy plot: he's going to steal some fuel from the Kilrathi ship! The squad of commandos – of which Bill Paxton or Michael Biehn are not members – flies over to the Kilrathi ship and then, once there, they shoot a bevy of . . . of . . . giant rubbery kittens. Seriously . . . that's what the Kilrathi look like. Of course, anyone familiar with the Wing Commander video games probably knew that but there are certain things you can accept in an in-game FMV . . . and not in a big-budget Hollywood production. Heh . . . kittens. Anyway, while some of his nameless comrades fall in battle – probably because he wasn't there to back them up – Blair goes off on his own in the ship and he dramatically dispatches some Kilrathi. Then, in the most wondrous of plot twists that everyone should have seen coming, he finds the Die Hard car battery! The world is saved . . . somewhat.

Later, the skeptical, ornery captain has a problem with the ship, so he can't relay the coordinates from the Die Hard car battery to David Warner . . . only a fighter can do that! Of course, the crazy captain intervenes and volunteers Blair for the mission – hmm . . . maybe he's a traitor as well as a secret agent – and reveals that the course is through a quasar or pulsar or other space thing and that he's the only one that can be trusted due to genetics. Margaret Sanger would be proud. Then, in a (not-so) shocking turn of events, the crazy captain reveals that he's one of Blair's kind. Now Michael Hutchence would be proud.

With his mission set before him, Blair and Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest – who is to be his support – head out for the nerdy deal that he has to fly through. Unwisely, along the way, Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest breaks off from the formation – of two – to blow up a missile heading for the big ship. Unfortunately for her, the wreckage of the missile disables her ship, so she ejects and floats in her little tin can in space far from the world. In a dramatic scene, she warms up – in the cold of space – and sends Blair off to complete the mission; meanwhile, she sacrifices herself. I guess this is one of those "women don't belong on a ship" kinds of things; Marshall lives, but Lt. Cannon Fodder and now Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest are killed off. Makes one think . . . makes one think.

Back at the big ship, the crazy captain pulls rank on the skeptical, ornery captain – even though not really since he actually outranks the skeptical, ornery captain – and orders a diversionary attack on the Kilrathi to allow Blair a chance to make it to Earth. Meanwhile, Blair continues on to find David Warner . . . but he's got a Kilrathi on his tail! The kitties are pissed! So ticked off, in fact, that they followed Blair through a plot device and then they threaten Blair while he transmits the coordinates to David Warner. David Warner, meanwhile, receives the important plot information and then . . . thinks about something. Ah . . . so he's a traitor, then! The British do like their cats, after all.

Finally, the Kilrathi threaten Blair as he nears David Warner's battlegroup – or someone's battlegroup or other – and then to add some continuity to the film Blair ends up by the gravity well from the very beginning of the film! Hooray for continuity! While the crazy captain leaves the big ship to search for the remains of Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest – since she's surely dead by now – the Kilrathi fire on Blair . . . so he leads them into the gravity well to perish a horrible, molecular death. I guess he's a dog person. Anyway, due to Blair's aid, the human fleet waits for each and every Kilrathi ship to come through the quasar and then they blow each one up unceremoniously. David Warner later sends out a search for Blair – and finds him – and then they all end up on the big ship . . . and the crazy captain has Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest there too! She's only mostly dead – Miracle Max would be proud – and Blair spews forth Sci-Fi Cliché #2: he doesn't want her to die on him. Of course, she gets the joke, so they joke around and make out and live happily ever after.

Except for Lt. Cannon Fodder, since she's dead and all. But I'm sure Blair and Lt. Cmdr. Love Interest would be cool with letting Marshall in on a sympathy three-way.

If you ever wanted to see a movie with Tchéky Karyo and Jürgen Prochnow, this is the film for you! Seriously, though, that is the movie's only saving grace. Other than that, it's a dull foray into every science-fiction cliché imaginable – as if it wasn't obvious – all wrapped up in the guise of an exciting video-game adaptation. While the set design and concept is inventive – the World War II feel is certainly innovative and intriguing – the hackneyed plot – and the one dimensional characters – undermines the idea. And there's the rubber-kitten Kilrathi; villainous alien races – whose motivation is never quite elaborated – should not be laughable. Ever.

Join me next week as Freddie Prinze, Jr., and the pig-faced spaz join forces to . . . play baseball. Excitement? You betcha . . . and I'll see you then!