The Sublime Movie Digest 05.03.06
Posted by Matthew Mills on 05.03.2006
Movies, movies, movies... Eat it 'em up monkies, yum yum!
PROLOGUE
There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call… The Sublime Movie Digest.
Week TWO of the Digest is up and ready to go. Who's doing what movie this week? What's opening this weekend? Who wrote a moderately entertaining column? Is anybody even reading this one?
We answer all these questions, and MORE! Right here! Right now!
And away we go…
Yeah, a great extended opening. So it's been a fun week. I gots me a new squeeze and some new dogs (I named them Bowser, Zelda, and Kong… betcha can't guess the source material!). There was almost NO movie news this week, and even less that you care about, so bear with me on that one. To take up space, I'm going to do a feature that'll be very few and far between in this column. You'll see.
So now that that's out of the way… Let's see what we have to work with
THE NEWS YOU CARE ABOUT
Note: These are put in no particular order of importance.
Al Pacino has signed on for a role in "Ocean's Thirteen." Pacino will play Willie Banks, the owner of a high-profile Vegas casino.
Julia Roberts and Catherine Zeta-Jones won't be back for the sequel. However, Steven Soderbergh will once again direct and George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Andy Garcia, Don Cheadle, and Bernie Mac will all be back.
Credit: Variety
Oh, that's some sweet action. Al Pacino just by being Al Pacino adds some interest to this flick. The second one was kind of disappointing compared to the first, so let's hope that this one can bring back a little bit of the cleverness and slickness of the first one.
JJ Abrams is upset that the news that he will direct the next "Star Trek" movie was leaked out by Variety recently. Abrams claims that he will be producing the film and has an option to direct, but that nothing is final yet.
"The whole thing was reported entirely without our cooperation. People learned that I was producing a Star Trek film, that I had an option to direct it, they hear rumors of what the thing was going to be and ran with a story that is not entirely accurate."
Variety claimed in the original report that Abrams would direct and that the prequel would focus on the early days of Captain James T. Kirk and Spock and that Philip Seymour Hoffman was in talks to play the ship's doctor.
Credit: IMDB
Personally I don't care, but JJ Abrams is pretty groovy and I know there HAS to be a lot of trekkies out there… so… Here you go, monkies. Eat it up, yum yum!
I love channeling radio personalities.
Mike Myers is set to star in "How to Survive a Robot Uprising" for "Austin Powers" producer Michael De Luca.
The comedy is based on a manual written by Daniel H. Wilson, a doctoral candidate at the Robotics Institute of Carnegie Mellon University. Myers will play a technical administrator whose job it is to monitor any danger from the growing presence of robots and researching ways to keep those robots from taking over.
Credit: Variety
This sounds like it could be moderately interesting. Mike Myers can SOMETIMES be funny. And there might be some dim hope here, yet!
I wonder if they'll ever make The Zombie Survival Guide into a movie if this one does well?
Jon Favreau is set to direct "Iron Man," replacing Nick Cassavetes.
According to the Hollywood Reporter, "Iron Man's real identity is that of billionaire industrialist Tony Stark, who develops an armored suit that lets him fly and shoot "repulsor rays." The comic debuted in the 1960s, and Iron Man's origin involved Stark being a prisoner of the Viet Cong. The comic evolved into Stark fighting spies, both political and industrial, while also battling alcoholism."
Favreau has been hesitant of using too much CGI in the past, but says he will change his tune for this film. "I've always been very reticent to use CGI to the extent that it has been used by other filmmakers," Favreau said in an interview. "I think that now, through motion-capture and the integration of miniatures with CGI, like in 'King Kong,' I'm starting to be a lot more convinced by what the technology can do. But the idea of using CGI and relying solely on that to tell your story, those days are past. I think that integrating practical filmmaking and augmenting it with CGI is the key to making it an emotionally involved story."
"Iron Man" will be Favreau's next movie, and he hopes to go behind the camera early next year.
I'm kind of excited about that. Favreau knows how to put a film together, so there's no doubt that this will be decent at the very least. Who knows, it might even edge towards being good!
I never read comic books, but I really like all the Iron Man action figures. Yeah, I'm excited for an Iron Man movie because I like the toys. Sue me.
…And I think that that'll about do it for important stuff.
…AND THE NEWS YOU DON'T
Note: These aren't in any particular order, either.
Ben Stiller is in final talks to star in "Seven Day Itch" for the Farrelly Brothers. The film will be based on the 1972 comedy "The Heartbreak Kid." That film starred Charles Grodin as a man who goes on his honeymoon and promptly falls in love with another woman. Stiller would play Charles Grodin in the remake. Or at least he would play the character played by Charles Grodin.
Ben Stiller became a star after starring in the 1998 Farrelly Brothers comedy, "There's Something About Mary."
Credit: Variety
As many shades of awesome as Something About Mary was, Ben Stiller is getting really old to me. He's basically the same neurotic idiot in every movie, and he's in like, 27 of them a year. Yaaaawn. The last good thing he did (in my opinion) was Dodgeball, so I'm not really caring about this movie at the moment.
Sarah Jessica Parker is set to star in the upcoming thriller, "Vacancy."
The film is about a couple stranded at an isolated hotel. What they don't know, at least at first, is that there are video cameras in their room and that they're about to become the stars of a snuff film.
Credit: Variety
The involvement of SJP automatically disqualifies me from any interest. I don't want to see her Triple H-esque snozz on a 40 foot screen. Sorry. Neeeext.
Adrien Brody and Lindsay Lohan will star in "Speechless."
The indie romantic comedy was once called "The Guided Man" and tells of a shy man who is asked to give a speech at a childhood friend's wedding. He turns to a service that allows someone to speak through him.
Credit: Variety
Adrien Brody is one ugly dude. Lindsay Lohan is one annoying ass chick. The two of those forces combined was just too strong and shattered my Giveadamner into pieces.
It doesn't even sound like a vaguely unique or interesting story. I mean, shit. Give us something hand made, not cookie cutter.
Catherine Keener and Vince Vaughn are set to star in "Into the Wild" for director Sean Penn. Penn also wrote the screenplay.
Emile Hirsch will star in the true story of Christopher McCandless, who graduated from college in 1992, abandoned his possessions and hitchhiked to Alaska to live in the wilderness and return to nature. He died four months later in an abandoned bus at a remote campsite.
Credit: Hollywood Reporter
Like Catherine Keener. Sometimes like Vince Vaughn. Like Emile Hirsch. Refuse to watch any movie that Sean Penn is involved with in any way. Unless he's a marionette puppet that died brutally. That's okay. Frickin' tool.
Kyle Newman has been hired to direct the upcoming "Revenge of the Nerds" remake for Fox Atomic. McG and David Manpearl are producing the remake.
Adam F. Goldberg is penning the latest draft of the script. The 1984 comedy centered on a group of college "nerds" who plot revenge against a bullying fraternity after their house is accidentally burned down by the jocks.
Credit: Hollywood Reporter
…Why?... Just… Why? I don't understand what kind of executive was handed this idea and was like "GOLDEN!" Whoever pitched him the idea must give really good head.
Man, that's just got "lame-o" written all over it. And I'm not talking about this column.
OPENING WEEKEND ROULETTE
Which one should YOU see? How the hell should I know? Let's discuss!
Opening April 21…
An American Haunting
Directed by Courtney Solomon.
Starring Donald Sutherland, Sissy Spacek, Rachel Hurd-Wood.
PROS: I've been reading about The Bell Witch since I was in fifth grade, and I've even been to the cave in person before. It's an awesome story. The previews look decent. Donald Sutherland generally brings the goods.
CONS: I don't like Sissy Spacek too much. More than likely they're going to add a bunch of stupid shit to make it more ‘exciting' and jump-scary instead of having a well thought out suspense story.
FINAL: Eh, why not. I'll go see it.
Mission: Impossible III
Directed by J.J. Abrams.
Starring Tom Cruise, Michelle Monaghan, Philip Seymour Hoffman.
PROS: Philip Seymour Hoffman. The trailer actually looks pretty decent. It can't be worse than the second one.
CONS: My favorite scientologist and yours is there. Could have a weak plot… it's got to be hard to think of clever secret agent stuff that hasn't been done before.
FINAL: Maybe a matinee in a couple of weeks.
I don't think any of the other movies are worth mentioning.
BOOKS BY FORMER ACTORS
This section is for my reviews of books that were written by people who also happen to be actors. It can be a novel, autobiography, whatever… If I was interested enough to read it, and they've been in more than one movie, then it fits here.
Title:Shroud of the Thwacker Author: Chris Elliot Released: 5 October, 2005 Review: You may recognize Chris Elliot from such cinematic gems as Cabin Boy or the pimply weird guy in Something About Mary, or perhaps even has the weird handed butler in Scary Movie 2.
Since his real career didn't seem to be working out quite as well as planned, he decided to write a book. This book is known as Shroud of the Thwacker.
So how is it? Well, it's an interesting specimen. It starts off decent and it's pretty funny. There's lots of great one liners and he has a really vivid imagination as a comedian to come up with these different situations for the characters, and the commentary to go along with it is sometimes funny.
Oh, yeah, you might be interested in what it's about. Well, it's like this, dear reader: Chris Elliot is in the present day, living in a crappy apartment in New York (next door to Yoko Ono, strangely enough). He gets bored and decides to write a book about an unsolved crime from over 100 years ago, known as Jack the Jolly Thwacker. During his research, Mr. Elliot finds out different things that were previously undiscovered, and a short time traveling spell later, is stuck in the 1860's to solve the crime. It switches from the POV of Mr. Elliot to the police chief and Mayor Teddy Roosevelt, and all comes to possibly the most anit-climatic twist ending I've ever read in a book.
I'll be honest… it starts off funny. Dick and fart jokes aside, there are occasionally hilarious situations and one liners that go with them. But by the middle of the book, it's just old and tiresome. And it gets boring. And the ending just kills the entire flow of the book.
It really gets lame there at the end.
My advice? Wait for the paperback, go to the library, or get the (I'm sure to be eventual) audio CD. And I wouldn't even do that unless you're just extremely bored and need a read that won't challenge your head too much.
Final Score: 6.0
WHEN YOU GET BORED HERE…
Check out these other fantabulous columns:
Leonard Hayhurst answers a few questions over at Ask 411Movies
