The 411 Top 5 05.04.06: Week Seven

Posted by Trevor Snyder on 05.04.2006

The Top 5 Most Annoying Celebrities

People love celebrities. We all know this. We love to watch them, love to talk about them, love to read about them.

And, we love to bitch about them.

Let's face it, nothing seems to make people happier than when something bad happens to a celebrity. For at least a little while, it makes you feel a little better about your life, doesn't it?

But have you noticed that there are certain celebrities who you'd like to see bad things happen to more than the others? The 411 crew has. And so we present:

THE TOP 5 MOST ANNOYING CELEBRITIES


Trevor Snyder

Honorable Mention: Jay Leno

5) Star Jones
4) Jessica/Ashlee Simpson
3) Larry the Cable Guy
2) Ann Coulter
1) Paris Hilton

Back in the day, Leno actually used to be pretty funny, and I'm willing to bet he's still a decent enough guy. But, the fact remains that The Tonight Show is where laughter goes to die. Apart from "headlines," which really requires no input from Leno to be funny, The Tonight Show is nothing more than bland, safe humor, the kind that appeals to those same people who for some reason willingly watch According to Jim. Every night Leno still hosts The Tonight Show is one more night Conan O'Brien isn't hosting it yet, and for that Leno makes my list.

5 - How is it that I never watch The View, and yet know way more about Star Jones' life and marriage than I ever wished to? Oh, that's right. It's because she's an egotistical maniac who actually believes everyone in the world should hear about everything in her life and use her relationship as some kind of template to follow. Anyone who actually had companies sponsor their wedding deserves to be on this list.

4 – I just can't decide which Simpson is more annoying, although I want to give the slight edge to Jessica. Yes, Ashlee is clearly less talented, and only got her record deal because of who her sister is. But at least she's given us so many memorable moments, whether it's getting busted for lip synching on SNL or being booed by an entire football stadium. As long as she keeps making a fool out of herself, I suppose I can at least get some entertainment out of her. But then you have Jessica, who just is a fool. There are always those who rush to Jessica's defense, and say she's not really as dumb as she acts on TV. Well, if that's the case, it's not any better. In fact, knowing that you have to act dumb to get famous is almost worse than actually being dumb. In either case, I feel sorry for any young girls who actually look to her as a role model.

3 – There are plenty of unfunny comedians out there, but Dan Whitney, otherwise known as Larry the Cable Guy, is a special kind of breed. Not only is his often-racist routine almost painful to listen to, but what's truly amazing is that his fans don't seem to realize that all of his jokes play off the idea that they are all ignorant white trash. And they love the guy! Not only has he given us one of the most annoying catchphrases of the modern era (although at least when someone actually says "git-r-done," you can usually be sure it's not worth wasting your time talking to them), but this year he went the extra mile and gave us a Larry The Cable Guy movie. Luckily, most people were wise enough to avoid it. But, unfortunately, that doesn't mean we've seen the last of this guy.

2 – I suppose some will suspect that I'm including Coulter purely out of some liberal bias. I know she would. But that is not at all the case. Although I do lean towards the left, I truly can tolerate most of the right's commentators, and will also freely admit that there are quite a few douche-bags on my side, too. But neither side has anyone else as mind-numbingly evil as Coulter. Instead of going with the old "let's just agree to disagree" mentality, or seeking to partake in intelligent debate, Coulter goes the extra miles and accuses liberals of treason (which, it should be noted, is punishable by death), and accuses them of terrorism. Hey, I might not like Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity, but I would never lump them in the same category as the 9/11 hijackers. Coulter seems to forget that the very formation of America was based on citizens disagreeing with their government, and that the founding fathers made sure to guarantee all future citizens that right. In Coulter's eyes, however, speaking bad about the administration simply cannot be tolerated, unless of course a Democrat is in office.

1 - Yes, this is a fairly clichéd, obvious choice. But that doesn't mean it isn't also a highly appropriate one. Hilton pretty much sums up a lot of what is wrong with America. We should all feel a little ashamed that we let someone achieve this level of fame for doing pretty much nothing but showing up at parties, being an imbecile, and screwing some guy on home video. There are plenty of people all over the world who fit those criteria; should we give them all their own reality shows?


Tim O'Sullivan

5) Michael Schumacher
4) Jade Goody
3) Harry Hill
2) David Caruso
1) Jose Mourinho

Okay, so Trevor let the boundaries go out as far as we wanted them to, and I have made the most of that. Not one film star on this list, and in fact there is the potential of there only being one name you know from this list.

@ #5 I have the cheating German F1 grand prix driver, Michael Schumacher. I would elaborate my reasoning, but I don't know how angry I will get. I dislike the fella. Nuff said.

@ #4 I have the most successful 'Big Brother' contestant in history. I guess she's affable in a wierd kind of way, but I hate the fact that she is a millionaire for being a grade A dumbass. Thus, I hate her.

@ #3 I have noted down an alleged comedian. All the British television stations are offering him all the money in the world to join their brigade, but the fucker isn't funny. Harry Hill sucks!

@ #2 I have the anti-Gil Grissom. CSI Miami could have been a great show. Instead, it's an okay show and that's because of the lead star. He kneels down, and slowly removes his sunglasses about seven times an episode and it's ridiculously annoying. Hence the reason why I am not David Caruso's biggest fan.

However, none of the aforementioned can make my blood boil as much as the Portuguese big head himself.......step forward Jose Mourinho. Now I know I shouldn't be bringing my love of that other kind of football into the movie zone, but the question was there to be answered truthfully, and this is the result. The Chelsea manager is a full blown, out and out c$#t.


Rob Bonnette

5) Bill O'Reilly
4) Lindsay Lohan
3) Ryan Seacrest
2) Paula Abdul
1) Paris Hilton

There's a reason O'Reilly wins worst person in the world so many times on Countdown with Keith Olberman; he is a jerk of the highest order. Whether it's the false accusations, the crazy declarations (like the time he claimed the people at The Factor were the only ones looking out for children anywhere) and the constant telling people to shut up whenever they dare say something contrary to what he thinks. I love it everytime Al Franken or Olbermann dig up on him, because he is just awful.

Lindsay Lohan irks me a few reasons. There's the constant excuse making for why she weighs about 20 pounds less than she should, the stupid quotes (is that a prerequisite in Hollywood for anyone under 25?), and the constant drunken escapades, car crashes, etc. Get it together, please, before you end up like Tara Reid.

Seacrest irks me because he doesn't seem to realize that he's stealing money up there. Dude, they could get anybody to do your job. People with gigs like that need to be like Dick Vitale (without the constant sucking up to Duke), who at least understands that he's not doing rocket science out there and is fortunate to be where he is.

Paula, Paula, Paula.....I used to have the biggest crush on you when I was in high school. Now I see you and hope that the producer cuts your mike off when it's your turn to talk. It used to be that you were the nice judge, the one who could sympathize with all the kids on the show. Now you just babble incoherently; you may as well be speaking Wookie language because you wouldn't be any less understandable.

Paris is easily the most annoying person to ever grace a television screen in my house. It isn't just that she only got famous because she shows up parties all over the place and got her picture taken. Or that she seems to have no shortage of stupid quotes locked and loaded whenever someone sticks a microphone in front of her. Or that she seems to be a condescending, self absorbed brat who has no idea what's going on in the world around her. It's that no one has hit that particular trifecta the way she has. It's ridiculous that she gets movie gigs now when there are struggling actors and actresses with real talent who can't get a break. Just ridiculous.


Matt Foster

5) Matt LeBlanc
4) Britney Spears
3) Ben Affleck
2) Emeril Lagasse
1) Barry Bonds

5. Matt LeBlanc just isn't funny. I'm sorry, but outside of that nice run on Friends, his career should be considered an abject failure. One giant shit-fest, yet we always have to hear about him. Why? WHY?

4. This woman is a grand slam idiot that is probably way, way unfit to be a mother. And her music is awful. I have nothing nice to say. Just leave.

3. The only time this guy makes a good movie is when he plays an insufferable prick, like Boiler Room or Mallrats. Coincidence? I think not.

2. I really hate this guy. I want to strap him to a chair Clockwork Orange-style, and constantly BAM BAM BAM him in the eyes with my personal essence. And you know what I'm talking about.

1. Barry Bonds. You ever hear the story where Barroids was sitting in front of SBC Park talking about how San Fran will never name anything after a black man, or build any monuments for him because he's black? While he sits right by a statue of Willie Mays? On a street named after Mays? Right next to Willie McCovey Cove? Total and complete asshole who is uneducated and totally, totally full of shit. I could rant all day on this guy, but I'm tired of writing about steroids.


Arnold Furious

5) Pete Doherty
4) Preston/Chantelle
3) David/Victoria Beckham
2) Jordan/Peter Andre
1) Paris Hilton

The most irritating thing about celebrities is people who are famous for nothing. On my list are a fine selection of such people. #5 is Pete Doherty. He's recently worked his way into my top 5 thanks to him injecting heroin into the arm of a passed out groupie. Of all the dumb fucking things celebrities do this ranks right up there with any I've heard of. It's one thing to do it to yourself, which he's been doing for a while, but this is just retarded. It's like funnelling drinks into a passed out guy's open mouth for laughs. Only multiplied by a thousand. What's possibly worst for me is that junkie Pete is famous for being a junkie. He's certainly not famous for his shit band Babyshambles. Pete thanks to strong press coverage has become one of Britain's most famous men. For being on crack all the time. He's a loser, he's a twat and he's a total waste of a zygote. The sooner he drops dead and helps cleanse the gene pool by removing himself from it, the better.

#4 is the first in a streak of hated celebrity couples. How do you make a celebrity twice as annoying? By marrying it to another equally annoying celebrity. At #4 we have a double whammy of nobodies made famous by appearing on Celebrity Big Brother. Yeah, "celebrity" isn't how I'd have labelled them either. Preston, surely not through any act of greed, happily re-released his band's only single on entering the house and promptly had a hit record. Unfortunately most people didn't bother checking what it sounded like before buying it. The Ordinary Boys blight on music "Boys Will Be Boys" has to be the worst song I've heard in a decade. Every time it plays on the radio I feel the need to extract Preston's smarmy grin from his face with my fist. And then just pound whatever is left into putty with a sledgehammer. As for his missus Chantelle. She's a model. She's also a fucking idiot. Not quite on Jade Goody levels but her whole persona just grates at me. Her face is on the cover of countless magazines just because she sat on her arse in a house for a month talking to Michael Barrymore and trying desperately hard not to suck any cock on the air.

#3 is a shame really. I used to be quite the fan of David Beckham. That was until he started believing his own hype. He now regards himself as one of the best footballers in the world despite not showing up at International level in 3 years and getting increasingly lazy at club level. Ever since he went to Real Madrid they've won fuck all and with good reason. But along with the now waif like Victoria he's spent more of his time trying to push the "Beckham brand" on America. Most Americans could be forgiven for trying to figure out exactly what it is they do. Well, he used to play football and she used to be a Spice Girl. Now he's a haircut/aftershave model and she's a shopper. Seriously, she shops for a living. She did try a musical comeback but that failed when she realised she had no discernable talent and she was only in the Spice Girls because she looked posh. Cunts, the pair of them. England would be better off if Dave retired freeing up the right side role for Steven Gerrard to play and allowing us to play Frank Lampard and a holding player in the middle. Team gets better and we might actually win something.

#2 would be 50% big titted gobshite and 50% Australian twat with a chiselled abdominal muscles and a brain the size of a pea. Somehow a man who had one hit single, which sucked, over a decade ago is now classified as a celebrity again because he's married to a woman who's job is getting her tits out. Oh sorry, "glamour modelling". When I was younger I had a dream that I shot Peter Andre in the head leaving his brains splattered across a wall. Of course that wouldn't happen as a head shot isn't a guaranteed brain shot with Peter. This is an ongoing trend. These people are listed because they're filthy fucking rich but also stupid beyond belief.

#1 is the absolute epitome of that. Paris Hilton. Rich beyond my wildest dreams, blessed with reasonably good looks but utterly incapable of thought. Sample Paris Hilton quotes here back that up – "I don't really think, I just walk." Uh huh. And how about this one – "Who are you wearing?" I'm going to have to stop talking about her at this point as anyone who asks that question just needs to be kneecapped. So, celebrities eh? What a bunch of pricks.


Bryan Kristopowitz

5) Jennifer Aniston (actor)
4) Kevin Smith (director)
3) Kid Rock (musician)
2) Vince McMahon (owner of WWE)
1) Bill O'Reilly ("journalist")

Honorable Mentions

Sean Hannity- I'm willing to bet he has a crush on Mark Fuhrman. They're on TV together quite a bit. Must be the whole hating black people thing. Makes 'em hard.

Harry Knowles- He participated in a commentary on the Hostel DVD.

Eli Roth- He let Harry Knowles participate in a commentary on the Hostel DVD.

Lindsay Lohan- Does anyone really care who she dates? Or how much she's had to eat? Rich girl who doesn't want to eat? Give the food to someone who can use it. Like Bruce Ellis.

Chris Mathews- They should let Darrell Hammond do Hardball instead.

5 - Do we really need to see another special on how Brad Pitt broke her heart? Or another tabloid expose on how much money Brad is screwing her out of? Or how much she'd really like to murder Angeline Jolie (who will officially make this list in about three weeks)? She's a rich, single Hollywood star who can do no wrong. She participated in the supremely awful Derailed with Clive Owen, both of who should be exiled for that. She should either marry Vince Vaughn or do a serial killer movie so she can get an Oscar nomination. Or something. Get her off the TV. For the love of God. It's entering Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher territory here.

4 - He's funny when he's on The Tonight Show. And his movies are pretty decent (although didn't he say he wasn't going to do those Jay and Silent Bob movies anymore?). But why is it so important for him to point out again and again that he's married? Who exactly is he trying to impress? He's a nerd who got a girl. Fascinating. He's had sex. And when Lucasfilm gets the Star Wars live-action TV show thing going he's going to be all over it (after all, the nerds he makes fun of will demand that he be involved). Consider this a preemptive strike against a guy who isn't half as interesting as he's made out to be. But then again, I've never met him, I could be wrong.

3 - Yeah. He's a hick. From the "trailer park." He wears a rebel flag, thinks he's a blues musician. He's on Country Music Television singing Johnny Cash songs, hanging out with Hank Williams, Jr, attending Elton John's wedding in England, and he's out "speaking" for those with no voice or some such crap. He's making tons of money doing southern rock from the 70's, apparently trying to become the next iteration of Ted Nugent. He made an appearance in the Larry the Cable Guy movie, which is damnable. And it's really lame that he's cozying up to right wing Republican types all the while banging prostitutes and whatnot. He doesn't seem to get that they don't want him hanging around when he's caught doing that stuff (he can do that, yeah, just don't get caught. That's the only rule). He should go back to that rap metal stuff. At least that was a worthwhile gimmick

2 - He stinks up the joint every week on Raw. He screwed Bret Hart (and plenty of other performers over the years). He thinks we really want to see him do that stomping walk every week. It was fun when Stone Cold was beating the crap out of him every week (it was even fun when he was the annoying lead announcer) but his act now is old, boring, and pointless. And making people kiss his butt crack is just disgusting. Yeah, it's wrestling, but it's still disgusting. The fact that he's on TV every week, along with the rest of his family… Good God can it be over? Can this please end? And when is he going to realize that he's not the kind of scumbag that the scumbags in Hollywood want to hang out with? He's a different kind of scumbag. He's a wrestling promoter. He's not in "the entertainment business," he's not the "head of a multimedia powerhouse," and he's not making "mini movies" every week. He's a wrestling promoter. And that Muscle and Fitness crap has got to be kept off of the TV. If he wants to pose in his mirror backstage or at home, he's more than welcome. But keep that crap off of TV. Please.

1 - At least Vince McMahon kind of admits that he's "just doing a show." Bill is a professional douchebag who can't seem to admit in public that that is what he is. From his fake arguments with conservatives (please, Bill. You are a right wing loon just like Neil Cavuto and Laura Ingraham) to his laughable use of the phrase "we're looking out for you," this alleged sex pervert needs to come clean to the world, and not just about the falafel loofa. How anyone can watch his nightly TV show or listen to his radio program for more than a few minutes is beyond my comprehension. His fascination with Jesse Jackson is also quite disturbing. If and when his show moves down to the second most watched show on cable news, what is he going to do? Say that the ratings are fixed? Or is he just going to say that the secular progressives are out trying to eliminate Thanksgiving? Can't wait for December, when he's talking about the second onslaught of "The homosexuals are trying to end Christmas!" Bleh.


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Wow, not a single mention of everyone's favorite scientologist, Tom Cruise. That's somewhat surprising. Equally surprising = Paris Hilton wasn't on everyone's list.

Not that we've let off some steam, next week we'll take a chill pill and extend an olive branch to celebrity-dom, as we present The Top 5 Celebrities You'd Invite to Dinner. Let's see how Miss Hilton fares in that one.