Warped News 05.04.06: The Post-Surgery Edition

Posted by Cris Murphy on 05.04.2006

You try typing with 9 stitches in your palm and your hand bandaged up like a mummy. You better damn well appreciate me!

Annnnnnnnnnd I'm back. After a one-week hiatus, it feels good to be back to my old stomping grounds…albeit with a large bandage and ace wrap wrapped around my right hand. Let's just say that my sex life has been pretty non-existent. I have nine stitches in my right palm after minor exploratory surgery. The doctors thought I might have a benign tumor or cyst in my hand. Turns out it was just a pushed-up blood vessel. Nothing to see here! But here I am…dedicated as always to bring to you the latest and greatest Hollywood news and some great photos of fine looking hooters. Yes…my sex life is pretty much non-existent. I'm left handed, but not in that way.

But enough of penile scabs and Frankenstein hands. It's time for the penultimate edition of Hollywood's most feared and most unknown entertainment column that comes out on Thursdays. It's the ballyhooed wonder more commonly known as…


All the News, New and Improved

Hate to say I told you so…
I've been giving you more and more information about what could be the biggest thing to rock Hollywood in ages. The Anthony Pellicano case has opened up the more seedier side of Hollywood to the glaring light of day. Pellicano is being charged with several counts of accessing private police files and illegal wire tapping. The case has already produced a perjury conviction of a very prominent director, John McTiernan, and I've been telling you that it was only a matter of time before a very famous actor and a studio head gets mentioned. Now, half of that has happened.

According to a report by the World Entertainment News Network, comedian Chris Rock hired Hollywood detective Anthony Pellicano to find incriminating information on a woman who filed a paternity claim against him. The private eye allegedly searched confidential criminal databases for incriminating information on Hungarian model Monika Zsibrita, according to court records.

Rock's spokesperson, Matt Labov, confirmed Monday that the comedian's representatives had hired Pellicano, after the model alleged she was pregnant with Rock's child in 1999. Rock was separated from his wife when he met Zsibrita and two subsequent DNA tests revealed that he was not the child's father. Labov said that Pellicano, at the time he was retained, had an "excellent reputation" as an investigator and that no one associated with Rock had any idea he would illegally access police files, as federal authorities have alleged.

Labov explains, "No one from our camp would have ever knowingly entered into an agreement with Pellicano to do anything illegal." Zsibrita is planning to file a claim against the City of Los Angeles, alleging that her civil rights were violated because her confidential records were turned over to Pellicano. According to her lawyer, Neville Johnson, "She is very upset to learn that her privacy was violated in various ways." Forget that. She has a case against Rock. He (or his people) hired Pellicano to find incriminating evidence against her. If he goes over the line, it's because he was hired to do just that.

I present to you…Wonder Woman?
After all of your votes on the 411 Forums and emails to yours truly, the fan base has spoken on who they would want to see as the new Wonder Woman in Joss Whedon's new film. There were plenty of votes for Charisma Carpenter (my personal choice). Lucy Lawless (10 years younger) and Rebecca Romijn each received several votes. Even WWE diva Victoria (right body for the role, but the acting?) and Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai (of Bride and Prejudice fame) got votes.

However, the winner by a landslide was…Morena Baccarin of Serenity and "Firefly" fame. Congrats. I'd post a picture, but there's not many juicy photos of her. Sorry.

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "Hitting the Market" Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…

Actress Gabrielle Union has given up on saving her marriage to American football star-turned-businessman Chris Howard after giving her estranged husband a lot of "space" during their separation. According to WENN, the star fears the sportsman has already moved on and she accepts their five-year marriage is well and truly over.

She tells urban magazine Sister 2 Sister, "I gave him so much space... I'm choking myself with it. I'm just learning very recently what my mistakes were. And unfortunately it's a little too late. I learned too late." But Union refuses to be bitter about the split, and still remains close to Howard - but she isn't ready for another romance, even though rapper The Game has publicly declared his love for the actress. Right. Like if you don't even have a real name, someone as classy as Union is going to be even interested in you. She'll be like, "The Who? The Game. F**k that. Get a real name and then talk to me."

She adds, "I'm still in mourning... It's like your father dying and somebody being like, 'Well, I want to be your surrogate parent.' I'm not ready for that. I'm so wounded... and I feel like such a failure as a person for what I was supposed to bring to the table that I didn't."

I wouldn't mind being the one to comfort her. Until that time, a photo tribute to the hottest thing about Bring It On…except for Eliza Dushku:




War…on camera.
Reuters reports on 3 U.S. soldiers who took video cameras to Iraq, and used that footage to make their own documentary, War Tapes, which just debuted at the Tribecca Film Festival. The film's makers have strong, varied and sometimes surprising views but they agree on one thing -- Americans don't know enough about war.

War Tapes was edited from 800 hours of footage filmed over a year in Iraq. "There's three individuals, one is pro-Bush (and) pro-mission, another ... is more cynical and the third is somewhere between the two," director Deborah Scranton said at a panel discussion on Iraq and the media at the festival.

The film has graphic scenes of the aftermath of bombs, moments of tension when the soldiers come under fire, gallows humor, such as a discussion about whether a severed limb looks more like a hamburger or raw pot roast, and plenty of subversive and cynical comments about the war.

"In many ways they embody a lot of the conflicts that America struggles with about this war, with one important difference, they're fighting it too," said editor Steve James. Scranton was initially invited to be an embedded journalist with the New Hampshire National Guard but she asked if instead she could give cameras to the soldiers to make the film.

"It was true to life, and life itself isn't cut and dried," said one of those who volunteered to take a camera, Specialist Mike Moriarty, who describes himself as "pro-mission" and said he was happy with how the films portrays him.

This is just what America needs to see. It doesn't matter what you think about the war or the Bush Administration, everyone needs to see this film. It will probably give you a greater depth of what goes on in Iraq on a daily basis than what the mainstream media provides, and it'll do so from the perspective of those who actually fight the battles.

I haven't seen the film, and I can't tell you how graphic the violence or even how good the film is. But I will say that if War Tapes makes it to a theater near you, you should see it.

Are they paying these guys minimum wage or something?
The Associated Press reports that John Ventimiglia, who plays temperamental chef Artie Bucco on "The Sorpranos", was arraigned Monday on charges including drunken driving and drug possession after officers spotted his vehicle weaving in and out of traffic in Brooklyn.

A criminal complaint alleges that when police pulled him over, the actor had bloodshot eyes, slurred speech and smelled of booze. His blood-alcohol content was 0.12 -- the legal limit is 0.08 -- and he was carrying a plastic bag with cocaine residue, the complaint said. Ventimiglia, 42, was released without bail. Huh? Did they give him back his car keys and a fifth of vodka while they were at it? In a statement issued today, his attorney, Benjamin Petrofsky, said his client "feels terrible and embarrassed.'' He declined further comment.

Meanwhile, Louis Gross, who plays Tony's new bodyguard Perry Annunziata, was charged with criminal mischief in Queens after a woman reported that he broke into her home on April 18. The 23-year-old observed omerta (the Mafia's code of silence) on Monday following his release without bail. Great. Either the show is hiring REAL mafia guys for their shows, or some of these actors really think they're in the Mob.

"I don't know nothing,'' he told reporters. "I'm innocent. I'm always innocent.'' Gross's most memorable scene this season was taking a beating from Tony, who wanted to prove his might to mutinous family members. Now, it looks like his most memorable moments will be making the new fish his bitch. UFIA!

Re-release the Krakken!!
In Hollywood's constant chase to remake every movie it has already produced, Variety reports that Warner Bros. Pictures has hired screenwriter Travis Beacham to pen a remake of the 1981 cult classic, Clash of the Titans with Thunder Road Productions producing.

In 2002, Warners tapped John Glenn and Travis Adam Wright to pen the script but gave up on them. Beacham said he is writing a new script, and that he intends the redo to be darker and more realistic than the original. What? No mechanical owl? How dare you? Frankly, why would you remake a "tale of the Gods" and make it realistic? Doesn't that defeat the purpose?

The storyline will still revolve around Perseus' journey to save the Princess Andromeda, during which he must complete various tasks set out by Zeus, including capturing Pegasus and slaying Medusa. The original marked the final film on which Ray Harryhausen did special effects, as well as the last in a string of films he produced with Charles Schneer. That's what will be missed the most. I grew up watching Ray Harryhausen pictures, and Clash of the Titans was my sentimental favorite. I can't believe that Warner Bros. will sully my childhood memories yet again because they can't come up with an original idea. Thanks a lot!

Now we're using some common sense…
Studio Briefing reports that Kansas City-based AMC Theatres, the second largest movie chain in America, announced this week that it plans to set aside 72 screens in 39 U.S. cities to show traditional art-house fare. The exhibitor said that it planned to introduce independent and foreign film fare under a program dubbed "AMC Select."

Initial films under the program are due to debut this weekend, including the Al Gore global-warming documentary An Inconvenient Truth and Robert Altman's A Prairie Home Companion. In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, AMC CEO Peter Brown said, "We are constantly thinking about how we can get more people to come to the theaters," Brown said. "This is realizing the promise of the megaplex -- we are broadening out the depth and breadth of the [movies] available." The move puts AMC in direct competition with Mark Cuban's Landmark Theatres, which operates 57 theaters with 213 screens, making it the nation's largest art-house chain.

This is a good move, and I think you'll see more theater chains do the same. With the absolute gluttony of bad films coming out, theaters need these type of films to offset the balance. Now, I know that not all art-house films are good. In fact, there's a reason many of them are independent productions. But great stories and solid acting are a trait of art-house films…even if a good chunk of them are narcissistic. These type of films will drive more people to the theater because it gives them a viable alternative to the crap that comes out on a regular basis.

Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner is JAKE GYLLENHAAL.

According to WENN, Gyllenhaal has shocked American Gulf War veterans by joking they did nothing but masturbate during their time in the desert in 1991. The actor starred in Jarhead, a movie exposing the U.S. soldiers' lack of combat in the Middle Eastern conflict.
He said, "The U.S. soldiers were sent to the desert for 122 days and they sat in the same tent and did nothing, except a little too much masturbating." Someone should explain to Gyllenhaal that real people died in Desert Storm (yes, mainly from friendly fire, but still dead), and I can guarantee that none of them died wacking off when their tent exploded. Just because that's what you did during the making of Jarhead doesn't mean that's what the overwhelming majority of soldiers did during Desert Storm.

I'm sure the families of those who died over there don't want to hear some pompous actor tell them it was because of soldiers googling themselves in their tents. If Craftsman only had a penis deflater, we could deflate some of Jake's ego. However, we're just going to have to settle for the:


Craftsman Work Gloves
Sears item #00940514000 Mfr. model #40514
Split pigskin gloves are wear and abrasion resistant. Durable cotton
backing with built-in elastic at the wrist for a snug fit. Driver style
with keystone stitched thumb for added comfort.

Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues
This section of the Warped News is to present to you some of the ever-growing number of stories that the mainstream media dedicates to the lives of porn stars. In essence, the media whores themselves out more than who they cover. And I whore myself out for cheap hits. But I'm an internet writer, and who cares about me anyway?

Of all the news agencies, I'm kind of surprised that Reuters is the one reporting this. A new television reality show invites porn stars to test their serious acting abilities in London's theater district, raising the question: Debbie can do Dallas, but can she take on Chekhov's "The Cherry Orchard"? [editor's note: I didn't write that…Reuters did]

"My Bare Lady" will cast four leading ladies from U.S. porn studios in a classic piece of drama to be performed in London's West End. Their experiences undergoing a crash course in acting and appearing before a discerning British audience will air in three episodes on the Fox Reality cable and satellite channels this fall.

"It's a wonderful tale of redemption," said David Lyle, general manager of Fox Reality. "Do they want lines that are a little more challenging than 'Oh, here's the pool guy ...'?" The show's concept is rooted in the bankable plot conflict of many television "reality" shows: taking people out of their accustomed element to see how they fare. Oh, I guess the "make every one of them stab each other in the back to create drama" part of it was conveniently missed. "If they can move a London theater audience to applaud, they have done pretty well," Lyle said.

So here's the casting call. Which porn star would you like to see gracing the stages of London in a non-porn play? Click on the link below to email me with your top 3 votes, and I'll feature your picks next week. My top 3 would be:


Shayla LaVeaux


Vicky Vette


Devon Michaels

Who the hell is stupid enough to let this guy direct a movie?
Andy Dick was involved in a fight at a pub in Edinboro, Pennsylvania -- a fight with his producer. According to TMZ.com, the Edinboro Police Chief Jeff Craft confirmed that his officers were patrolling the bar area at the Edinboro Hotel when they saw the commotion.

Dick was seen "pushing and shoving" Marshall Cook, a producer on Dick's latest film. The cops broke it up without arresting anyone. One of the bar patrons gave Dick a ride back to his hotel. Dick is in town promoting his the film that marks his directorial debut, Danny Roane.

I don't know which surprises me more…the fact that someone couldn't kick Andy Dick's ass or the fact that someone actually let him direct a movie. Five bucks the fight came about because the producer told Dick his movie sucks…well…dick. You got to know that it's a quality production if your promoting it in Edinboro, Pennsylvania. There's a hot spot for filmmaking. (no offense to the people of Edinboro)

Beware the Cruise, pt. 5
Foreign news service KP International reports that Tom Cruise has announced that he wants Grammy-winner Kanye West and Collateral co-star Jamie Foxx to be his daughter Suri's uncles.

While attending the London premiere of Mission: Impossible III, Cruise told the UK's Mirror, "Jamie Foxx is going to be uncle. I asked him today and he's accepted. He's an amazing guy." And that's not all, Suri could possibly have two uncles. "When I get back to the States I'm gonna ask Kanye West."

Cruise, as per usual, continued his ranting over his love for fiancee Katie Holmes. "I love her and I can't wait to get married to her. I can't wait to look at her and think she's all mine. I want the wedding to be in a few months. I've phoned her a billion times since I've been here. Of course I miss her, how can you not?"

I'm sorry. Did I miss the family memo? I thought uncles were the brothers of the father. Godfathers were the ones who were asked to take on a more familiar role. And you know just how much Kanye would love being a Godfather. Tom just can't keep is growing insanity secret, can he?

Beware the M:I3, pt. 1
A part of the Mission: Impossible III publicity campaign has blown cinemagoers away - after strategically placed audio boxes singing the movie theme tune were mistaken for bombs. According to IMDB.com, the promotional stunt saw newspaper racks for the Los Angeles Times fitted with a digital musical device which was set to play the distinctive tune when the door was opened.

However, some of the ill-fitted boxes became disconnected and sprouted wires, prompting alarmed customers to report potential bomb attacks. Officials from The Los Angeles Times said the stunt was designed to transform the "everyday news rack experience" into an "extraordinary mission." The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department arson squad, who destroyed a box, say, "This was the least intended outcome. We weren't expecting anything like this."

Well, when we live in a fear-induced society hell-bent on destroying terrorism, what the f**k do you expect? I don't fault MI3 all that much. They were trying something new and imaginative. I blame the people who thought they were going to blow up at a news rack. Try living in the world for a time. Get out of your apartment. Bowing to your fear only gives terrorists more incentive to be terrorists. GROW A SPINE!

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - Boner Catfight Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…

According to the New York Post, X-Men: The Last Stand director Brett Ratner never bothered to tell his "friend" Lindsay Lohan that he had a girlfriend - resulting in a loud, messy fight between the young star and Romanian IMG model Alina Puscau at Ratner's home last week.

Late Monday night, Lohan - who has become close friends with the director in the past month - and a pal decided to pop in on Ratner unannounced. "Brett wasn't returning any of her calls, so she decided to stop by and say hi," a source told Page Six. "Brett never told Lindsay he had a girlfriend. She had no idea," the source said. "He is constantly e-mailing, texting and calling her. She just wanted to hang out. He had given her the code to his house and told her to come over anytime, so she went."

But once at the house, Lohan was shocked when she found Ratner in bed with his girlfriend, Puscau. "Alina jumped out of bed and went ballistic," another source said. "They started screaming at each other and took the fight first into the living room and then out to the driveway while Brett hid in the bedroom. Lindsay said she could get Alina deported and left. What she doesn't know is that Alina and Brett are so serious, he gave her a big diamond promise ring last November which she wears on her right hand. She doesn't care that he may cheat. She's got the big diamond ring."

Lohan and Ratner patched things up enough for Lohan to return to the scene of the fight Tuesday night for a Victoria's Secret party he was hosting at his home.

So, if two hot chicks were battling it out for your body, would you cower in your bedroom and wait for it to be over? Or, would you "try" to stop the fight, knowing that this is one of the coolest things to ever happen in your life? Are we all worried about the next X-Men movie now? You should be.

So, to the Romanian Hammer who, obviously, doesn't have a lot of self-esteem to be boinking someone like Bret Ratner, a photo tribute:









From Pimpstick To Pulpit

Steve Vicious has a ton of TV news (including a Maury Povitch sex scandal) and a butt-load of Rachel Bilson pics in his latest Vicious TV News Wrap.

Chad Webb breaks down the MTV Movies Awards nominees (a pathetic piece of tripe that only exists to give MTV-like "stars" an award [see Adam Sandler, Paris Hilton, Nelly]) and covers more movie news at the The Big Screen Bulletin.

It's time to pimp the new guys at 411Maina. First, a little shout out to Matthew Mills and his new news column, The Sublime Movie Digest.

David Wilcox takes movie critics to task in his new column, The Critic's Critic.

And now back to our veterans…Arnold Furious brings you everything from Poolhall Junkies to Stray Dogs in his latest Furious On Film.

George H. Sirois examines Lindsay Looney and her true breakout film, Mean Girls, in his latest Scene Anatomy 101.

Will Helm turns in another great examination of bad films with the classic sh*tstorm Sci-Fi non-epic in his latest Misunderstood Masterpieces: Wing Commander.

Sometimes, I think people have too much time on their hands. Witness Sir-Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back"…in anime. Definitely NSFW!

Forget V For Vendetta. It's time for C For Cookie.

Oh…my…God. Behold the glory of wrestling gone wrong.


Coming to a theatre near you…

New to theatres…
An American Hauting: Not really up on yet another horror film…even one based on a true story.
Hoot: The Greenpeace (non-clubbing) Seal of Approval
Mission-Impossible 3: Heard it's not that bad. It has Seymour Phillip Hoffman in it, so it should be fairly good.

Also in theatres…
Flight 93: Review #1 and Review #2
RV: Review
Hard Candy: Review
Notorius Betty Page: Review
Friends With Money: Review
American Dreamz: Review
The Sentinel: Review
Silent Hill: Review
Sexy Movie 4: Review
The Wild: A cheap knockoff of Madagascar.
The Benchwarmers: Review
Phat Girlz: Review
Neal Young – Heart of Gold: Review
Lucky Number Slevin: Review #1 and Review #2
Take the Lead: Review
ATL: Review #1 and Review #2
Ice Age 2: Didn't meet box office expectations.
Basic Instinct 2: If Larry the Cable Guy makes more in his 2nd weekend, you're in trouble.
Slither: Review
Inside Man: As good as you think. Review #1, Review #2, and Review #3.
Larry the Cable Guy-Health Inspector: Why make this? Review.
Stay Alive: Just awful. Review #1 and Review #2
Deep Sea 3D (IMAX): Review
V For Vendetta: Review #1, Review #2 and Review #3
She's the Man: Review
Failure to Launch: Review.
The Hills Have Eyes: Review #1 and Review #2
The Libertine: Johnny Depp in another pompous costume drama.
The Shaggy Dog: Curses to Disney and Tim Allen for remaking this. Goodbye childhood.
16 Blocks: Review
Ultraviolet: The Grandaddy of Suckage. Check out my review, as well as Brian Kristopowitz's review.
Aquamarine: Review
Dave Chappelle's Block Party: Review
Running Scared: Review
Doogal: Sucks.
Madea's Family Reunion: Review
Date Movie: Poor Allyson. Review #1 and Review #2.
Eight Below: Review
Curious George: Review
The Pink Panther: Heard it wasn't half as bad I thought it would be. Review #1 and Review #2
Firewall: Review #1 and Review #2
Something New: Review


Well, that's it for this week. It may not be a Mercury Grand Marquis (or mar-quiss…it's a tomato/tom[ah]to thing) Moment, but I'm still getting into the swing of things. Until next week, think grand thoughts of me and my stitches. They'll be coming out Monday. The stitches…not me.

Speaking of which…you non-Brokeback Mountain Moment of the day:



Until next week…see ya!