Warped News 05.11.06: The Hug It Out Edition

Posted by Cris Murphy on 05.11.2006

I need some Johnny Fever…and in the non-gay porn kind of way. Perverts.

Welcome back to another edition of the often talked about, always controversial and ever-amusing (at least to me) Warped News. I'm you're still injured narrator, Cris Murphy, and I'll be your guide to what's happening in front of and behind the cameras on your favorite movies and TV shows. Consider me your guru for the next 30 minutes (or 2 hours depending on your googling) to the underbelly of Hollywood and all the tasty treats therein. I have to make this one good. I've been ordered to by a good friend. She wants to hug out it…so I'll hug it out, bitches!

So sit back, relax, take a sip of your beverage as I play Ari Gold to your Pizza Boy in the little slice of Heaven I like to call…


All the News, New and Improved

By the way, that Ari Gold thing was an "Entourage" reference, not some gay porn reference. If it was, you'd be the Pool Boy. Annnnnnnnd away I go!



It's a no-Winnie situation…
With the absolute gluttony of TV shows coming to DVD box sets, it's a mystery why some hit series of the past few decades such as "WKRP in Cincinnati," "The Wonder Years" and "Beverly Hills, 90210", haven't made their way to store shelves.

The reason: Hollywood doesn't want to pay for the music.

In a report done by The Wall Street Journal, each of these shows includes a huge soundtrack of rock/pop music, and the shows' producers paid license fees to use for broadcast, but not on DVD releases. You can't really blame them. When "WKRP" came out in the early 80's, VHS was barely visible and DVDs weren't even an idea yet.

Now, Hollywood is finding that in some cases, relicensing the music for DVDs either costs too much or is too difficult to negotiate. That has left some series in DVD limbo. For others, it has prompted studios to replace background songs with generic-sounding substitutes. In a few cases, scenes are eliminated entirely. Most DVD boxes don't notify consumers of any of these alterations.

And although Sony has "painstakingly cleared" the majority of music used in its library of TV shows for DVD release, it hasn't been able to reach a licensing deal for the Frank Sinatra song "Love and Marriage," which was heard in the opening credits of "Married... with Children," says Mr. Feingold. Sony sells DVD versions of four seasons of the popular sitcom about a dysfunctional family, replacing the Sinatra song with new theme music. "While it was a signature song, it's the content of the show that counts," says Mr. Feingold. He says DVD buyers, at least in this case, haven't been all that upset by the switch. "I've received maybe one or two emails about it," he says.

Some people in the music-licensing business say they shouldn't be blamed for such song-swapping or scene-cutting. Music-rights holders would be willing to peg the cost of licensing a song to how many DVDs are sold, which would make it cheaper for a show's producers in many cases because sales volume tends to be limited, says Jeffrey Brabec, vice president of business affairs at Chrysalis Music Group, which controls the theme songs to "The Sopranos" and "Las Vegas" (both of which were licensed for DVD release). But, he says, studios prefer to pay a flat fee no matter if one DVD is sold or one million, to protect against getting socked with huge royalty payouts if a DVD becomes a huge seller. Which is a pretty stupid way to look at things. The studios have a good idea which shows will be successful and which shows will have only moderate sales. If they adjust their thinking accordingly, then can release some shows using the royalty system, and the more popular sets with buy-out licensing. If a royalty set becomes a big hit, who's going to complain? You're still making money!

It's a shame that shows like "The Wonder Years" and "WKRP" won't get a chance to shine on DVD because some pencil-pushers don't think it's worth the money. Believe me, there are many people who pine to see turkeys thrown from helicopters and Les Nesman-award winning news anchor. The only real cost is the money not being made by failing to release these shows on DVD.

Because in MY version, Han shoots first…
According to several news reports, Lucasfilm has finally relented to world-wide consumer demand and announced that it will release the original versions of the first three Star Wars movies, unmodified by digital enhancements, on Sept. 12th. Each of the films will be released separately and will be accompanied by a second disc offering the digitally reedited version produced in 2004. Adopting the Disney method of DVD release, the original versions will be withdrawn from circulation on Dec. 31st.

This has got to stick in George Lucas' craw. For the longest time, he refused to release the original versions despite the fact that everyone who grew up seeing these films demanded it. In fact, Lucas went out of his way to make all of us feel like losers, saying that it's HIS art and he can do with it as he pleases. Too bad most of his revisions made the films worse than it was. Now, he has given in. I'm sure these discs are going to cost upwards of $30-40 a disc or around $120 for the set. So save up now. You won't be able to get them after the end of the year.

If you can't beat ‘em, join ‘em…
According to the Associated Press, Warner Bros. has announced a strategic agreement with BitTorrent, a site typically held responsible for helping piracy, to distribute its films and television shows on the internet. With this announcement, Warner Bros has become the first major studio to provide legal video content via the BitTorrent publishing platform.

It was only a matter of time. Instead of the MPAA and the RIAA suing the pants off of teenagers and grandmothers, the should have embraced the new technology as a new means of distribution. It only took the film industry about 10 years too late.

The distribution channel will leverage BitTorrent's revolutionary "file-swarming" technology, which enables the transfer of massive files from a website to a PC with the speed and bandwidth efficiency of peer-assisted transfers. This method of delivery will qualify as the first peer-assisted network in the U.S. that combines guaranteed availability, high-quality video, and rapid download rates. It will provide a platform to offer consumers legal content on both video-on-demand (VOD) and electronic-sell-through (EST) basis to coincide with DVD releases.

Unlike other P2P file-sharing technology, BitTorrent is designed for the delivery of large files like TV programs and films. Warner Brothers will use this technology to allow users to download content ranging from blockbusters films to old television series. Initially, the service will feature more than 200 Warner Bros new releases, catalog favorites, and television series.

The download promises to be much faster than conventional downloads, depending on how many individual computers in the network have the file. The larger the number, the faster the download. Warner Bros also plans to sell permanent copies of television series and films online, that can later be burned onto backup DVDs. However the burned copies can be played only on machines that are used for download and not on standard DVD players.

Kevin Tsujihara, president of Warner Bros Home Entertainment Group, believes that if they are able to convert even 5 to 15 percent of the peer-to-peer users who currently obtain products from illegitimate sources into legitimate buyers, the new distribution channel can then be held as harboring the potential to effect a major impact on the industry. That change could bring the studio millions in untapped revenue.

Although no specific date has been given, the service is expected to start this summer. The pricing for the service has also not been announced but sources reveal that television shows might cost as little as $1 while films might cost around the same amount as DVDs. If Warner Bros was smart, it would price films cheaper than DVDs, because they save money on packaging and traditional distribution. Plus, consumers won't want to buy films at DVD prices if they can't play them on DVD machines. However, this is a big step in the right direction for the industry. Let's hope that the RIAA follows suit very soon. Maybe they'll step into the late 20th Century as well.

Don't wear really tight shorts in combat…
According to the New York Post's Page Six, Comedy Central was shocked to find out some of the biggest fans of their show "Reno 911!" came from Iraq…and I'm not talking about U.S. troops. The network was shocked when they got a request from Iraqi army troops stationed in Baghdad for merchandise from the spoof cop show.

So the obliging folks at Comedy Central sent over a whole load of stuff, and they're sponsoring a photo-essay contest that apparently involves placing the short-shorts worn by the Lt. Dangle character on old statues of Saddam Hussein. But here's the weirdest part of the story. Apparently, "the show is shown on an Arab station with Arabic subtitles," said a rep for the network, "and the Iraqis think it is a serious police drama."

Huh? How can you see a male officer with camel toe and think it's serious? That's some serious translation problems. You take a semi-improv comedy and turn it into "Hill Street Blues"?

What the hell is wrong with Bruce Willis?
How disappointed are the crew to the upcoming film Perfect Stranger? Instead of seeing Halle Berry in a sex scene (and we know how freaky she can get with one of those), they had to settle see her act out the sex scenes alone. Gee, either she's nakkid and dry humping or she's semi-masturbating. How awful. When is Perfect Stranger coming out?

The reason why Ms. Berry had to pretend to get boinked was co-star Bruce Willis couldn't make the shoot. The sexy star was forced to writhe around on a bed while the crew played a tape recording of Willis' voice. Editors later used computer technology to put the pair together - the first time the technique has been used for a sex scene. But, they should just keep that technology to themselves. This shouldn't be a new "thing" with Hollywood.

A set source says, "Halle wasn't phased performing solo. Although she, in effect, keeps her hands to herself, she is very convincing indeed in the love scenes."

Willis recently revealed he found himself blinded by Berry's beauty while making the film. He said, "I get all awkward. She's beautiful. It's almost like looking at an eclipse of the sun. You have to take a pin and poke it through a card and look at her through that. You could damage your retina." Yet, for some unknown reason, he couldn't manage to get to the set and dry hump this…



If I were in the scene, I'd have to be dead to miss it. Even if the doctor told me "either stay here and live or do the scene and die", I'd have to seriously give it some thought. I could go out fondling Halle Berry's ass. There are worse ways to die.

You know what this program needs? Less cowbell.
According to IMDB.com, Martin Scorsese challenging the FCC's decision to fine KCSM-TV, a PBS outlet in San Mateo, CA, for including indecent language in a program about the origins of blues music. Scorsese, who produced the program, said, "The language of blues musicians often was filled with expletives that shocked and challenged America's white dominated society of the '40s, '50s, and '60s. To accurately capture the essential character of the blues music and the subculture in which it originated and flourished, it was important to preserve in the film the actual speech and discursive formations of the participants."

The FCC also heard from CBS, which accused the commission of overstepping its authority by making "content and viewpoint-based judgments" in appraising an episode of "Without a Trace" that included scenes of a teen sex party, which the FCC deemed indecent. See, I can understand language in some aspect. But when the FCC starts censoring content, then it has stepped way over its line. If people find the content of a certain show to be awful, then they won't watch it…or boycott its sponsors. It shouldn't be up to appointed bureaucrats in Washington D.C. to determine content.

How realistic will be Val Kilmer's ponytail?
WWTTD.com and Yahoo news report that much of the talent behind the heist movie Heat, which features one of the most intense shootouts ever put on film, are in talks to contribute to a videogame version of the film. The game will combine strategy with next generation FPS play. Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro and Val Kilmer are all in negotiations to provide voices and it will be overseen by writer/director Michael Mann.

The game will either be a prequel or a sequel to the film. If it is a sequel, De Niro will appear in flashback since his bank robber character was killed in the film. Should Pacino come aboard, his character will hunt down a new heist crew.

Welcome to E3 week. News like this comes out by the boatload. However, this will be an interesting game. If Michael Mann writes the game's premise and they get at least Pacino and DeNiro involved, then you have something. No matter what, they better have at least one killer mission where the bank robbers take on the police in a gun fight in the streets…recreating the classic scene in Heat.

With the absolute success of "The Godfather" on gaming consoles, you'll see a lot more older movies converting to video games. Why doesn't Hollywood do this instead? Instead of taking older films and remaking them into trash, they should take these films and make kick-ass games out of them.

In a constant effort to remake everything Hollywood has ever made…
CNN.com reports that Glen A. Larson will write and executive produce the movie version of his series "Knight Rider" for the Weinstein Co. project. Larson said he anticipates production will begin next year. The project had previously been in development at Sony-based Revolution Studios.

"A number of people wanted to do a pure comedic send-up of it, but I always felt that would throw away the franchise," he said. "There was always some humor on the show, but this film will probably have more gallows, foxhole humor." Despite the darker tone, he said he would aim for a PG-13 rating because he doesn't want to exclude the series' core audience. Core audience? I'M THE CORE AUDIENCE, AND I'M 33! GIVE ME AN R-RATED SHOW PEOPLE!

For those of you who are too young to remember, "Knight Rider" was the story of a police investigator shot in the line of duty who is nursed back to health by a mysterious millionaire. He's given a new name (Michael Knight), a new face and a new automated, talking car to help him continue his work. God, I feel so old having to do that, but the only reason you youngsters have ever heard of "Knight Rider" is because David Hasselhoff was the star…and the numerous Homer Simpson references.

Larson wouldn't say whether Hasselhoff, who starred in the series, would appear in a cameo or if William Daniels would reprise his role as the voice of K.I.T.T. Frankly, I doubt either one of them have anything better to do. Daniels even voiced K.I.T.T. in the new AT&T commercial (was it AT&T? I don't know…the one with Robby the Robot).

Other Larson TV series being developed as film adaptations include "Magnum, P.I." at Imagine Entertainment and "The Fall Guy" at Warner Bros. Pictures. THE FALL GUY? Have we really stooped to such a lack of creativity that we have to remake a 2nd rate Lee Majors series? That coming from a man who really liked "The Fall Guy." It had Heather Thomas in skimpy bikinis on a regular basis. Who's Heather Thomas? Glad you asked…




Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues, pt. 1
This section of the Warped News is to present to you some of the ever-growing number of stories that the mainstream media dedicates to the lives of porn stars. In essence, the media whores themselves out more than who they cover. And I whore myself out for cheap hits. But I'm an internet writer, and who cares about me anyway?

According to All Headline News, teenaged porn star Stefani Morgan (she's like 19 or 20 now) is the subject of a six-page pictorial and interview in the June issue of FHM Magazine. One of the subjects covered is her current "romance" with rocker Tommy Lee. "More guys than girls ask me about Tommy in the bedroom," Morgan tells her FHM interviewer. "Everyone asks me, 'So how's the sex with Tommy?' I have no complaints." The next obvious question is when can we expect the video?

The magazine notes that since arriving in Los Angeles from her native Riverside, CA, two yeas ago, Stefani has counted among her conquests such C-List losers as Wilmer Valderrama, Jesse Metcalfe, JC Chasez and Rick Solomon. Class act you're following, Tommy.

Who's the subject of the new Tommy Lee Sex Video? Take a look:


Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues, pt. 2
Isn't it great when you get not one, but two mainstream stories about today's porn stars? And this one involves Charlie Sheen…not that it's much of a surprise.

According to the Post Chronicle, Sheen is facing possible charges in a wrongful death suit being contemplated by a dead porn star's mother. Donna Jones, mother of the now-dead Penthouse Pet and aspiring porn star, Chloe Jones, is considering filing the suit against Sheen because she believes his influence on the unfortunate starlet may have led her to commit suicide, or worse.

Jones was found dead last June in her Houston, Texas apartment, just a few short months after going public with a steamy affair she had with Sheen. Now the actor's relationship with Jones has been made infinitely more difficult with revelations from his estranged wife, Denise Richards, that she believes he may have some secrets regarding the girl's death.

Donna Jones reportedly told the Globe, "I've seen a lawyer about filing a wrongful death suit against Mr. Sheen. I think he didn't slip her the pills -- but he drove her to it with death threats. She'd (Chloe) call me 10 times a day telling me of her fears. She was terrified to death of the guy."

Denise Richards stated in legal papers filed last month that she confronted Sheen about Jones' death when she learned she reportedly from liver failure after taking an accidental overdose of prescription drugs. In the documents seeking a temporary restraining order, which she was subsequently granted by the court, sparking endless speculation and press comments by the couple, Richards said, "I saw on the news that she had died from undetermined causes. When I asked him if he had anything to do with her death, he said he had 'no comment'... This scared me." Hell, it scares me.

Richards claims Sheen made threats on her life and that of her parents if she went public with internet porn and gambling allegations. Now, he has to face public backlash on his "hit" TV series, "2 ½ Men". I don't expect the series to last for very long. Sheen has always been a wacko, yet he got sober enough to land Denise Richards. Go figure. If you're wondering about Ms. Chloe Jones, here's you picture:


Beware the Cruise, pt. 6
Do you think that Tom Cruise really weird behavior could effect box office numbers for his films? Well, DUH! According to the Associated Press, first weekend box office numbers were lower than industry expectations…a possible sign that the odd behavior of Cruise may have taken a toll on his box-office charm.

Mission: Impossible III debuted with $48.025 million, a solid opening yet well below industry expectations and almost $10 million lower than the franchise's previous installment, according to studio estimates Sunday. Industry analysts had expected the movie to open in the range of the crappy Mission: Impossible II, which debuted with $57.8 million from Friday to Sunday over Memorial Day weekend in 2000, and the even crappier…no wait, just as crappy…War of the Worlds, which premiered with $64.9 million from Friday to Sunday over Fourth of July weekend last year.

Rob Moore, Paramount's head of worldwide marketing and distribution, said he did not believe Cruise's private life had any impact on MI3's box office, but did say, "There's no question it concerns us if the press is writing about things other than the movie. If people are writing about his personal life, then by definition, they're not writing about the movie."

Factoring in higher ticket prices, the debut for MI3 looks worse. About 7.3 million people saw the new movie, compared with 10.7 million over the opening weekend for the first sequel and 10.3 million for the original, which opened with $45.4 million over Memorial Day weekend in 1996.

You know, may it be said that when you're bouncing around the world telling people how much you love Katie Holmes, then leave her in a lurch only days after she gives birth to promote a film, people are going to think that you're a loser…and creepy.

The Secret Art of Consulting…
The ABC scare-people-into-watching, made-for-TV film "Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America" has been denounced by John M. Barry, author of "The Great Influenza", who receives on-screen credit as the film's consultant. In an interview with the New York Times, Barry said, "To say it's overdone is an understatement."

He disclosed that his "consulting" amounted to nothing more than a two-hour conference call and some comments on the script. The newspaper said that Barry compared his role to that of a lawyer whose client pays for advice -- but ignores it. Ah, leave it to Hollywood to get their facts straight before they produce a film. Then again, you can't scare people into watching your retched, put-together-in-one-week film if you actually check to see if you're grasp on the subject is actually correct.

They should have just stuck to a showing of Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. Probably a lot more scary too.

Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The "Hitting the Market" Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…

Yesterday, Horizon Productions, Inc. announced plans to transform its Lingerie Bowl franchise into a feature film. If case you've been too busy watching the commercials or Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" to notice, the Lingerie Bowl has been a pay-per-view halftime alternative from the too-often boring Super Bowl halftime shows. In the game, attractive models in skimpy costumes went head-to-head in a real tackle football game…which they played in very skimpy lingerie. Are they sure this won't be a porno?

While plot details are light (which, by the way, has to be the most "DUH" moment in writing history), the company said the movie "will feature two major sex bombshells leading their respective teams facing off in an Alien vs. Predator type format." What more information do you need? Seriously.

Horizon promises cameos from recognizable comic actors and from financially strapped former NFL players. The company also threatened that the Lingerie Bowl brand is being developed for a series of high-end sports lounges and lingerie boutiques. That's one way to make a profit: challenge Hollywood, Hooters and Victoria's Secret at the same time.

Well, here are a few Lingerie Bowl veterans to center you movie around:


Christy Hemme


Cora Skinner


Willa Ford






From Pimpstick To Pulpit

Will Helm delves deep into the nuances of Freddie Prinze, Jr. and his baseball epic, Summer Catch in his latest Misunderstood Masterpieces. Actually, this film is one of my guilty pleasure films, so I can't knock it too hard.

Matthew Mills has X-Men, "24" and more entertainment news in his latest Sublime Movie Digest.

Stevie V. breakdown everything that is TV…news, reviews, forgotten babes…and did I mention forgotten babes (Nadine Velazquez) in his latest Vicious TV News Wrap.

Chad Webb and I agree. Munich was the best film of last year. I bought it 3 minutes after I have got off work and watched it that night. Oh yeah, he also breaks down more of the DiVinci Code controversy in his latest Big Screen Bulletin.

In honor of the release of MI3, George H. Sirois takes a look at the first Mission: Impossible in his latest Scene Anatomy 101.

David Wilcox has a hard-on to knock Roger Ebert (not that I'm complaining or anything) and takes him to task yet again in his latest The Critic's Critic.

"WARNING: This motion picture contains explicit portrayals of violence; sex; violent sex; sexual violence; clowns and violent scenes of violent excess". Damn skippy!

You've got to love the internet. Without it, there would be no place I could go to get a detailed account of everyone Jack Bauer has killed on every season of "24". Plus, it details how and what weapons were used. Just brilliant!

As a former bad hurdler in high school track, this video made me both laugh and cry. Who the hell let George Costanza out of the blocks?


Coming to a theatre near you…

New to theatres…
Poseidon: Could be decent…for a remake.
Goal-The Dream Begins: Just a horrible title…
Just My Luck: Ahhhh! Lindsay Lohan trying to act…burns…my…brain! Scanners exist!

Also in theatres…
An American Hauting: Review
Hoot: The Greenpeace (non-clubbing) Seal of Approval
Mission-Impossible 3: Review #1, Review #2 and Review #3
Art School Confidential: Review
American Dreamz: Review
The Sentinel: Review
Silent Hill: Gone and forgotten.
Scary Movie 4: Review
The Wild: A cheap knockoff of Madagascar.
The Benchwarmers: Review
Phat Girlz: Review
Neal Young – Heart of Gold: Review
Lucky Number Slevin: Review #1 and Review #2
Take the Lead: Review
ATL: Review #1 and Review #2
Ice Age 2: Didn't meet box office expectations.
Basic Instinct 2: If Larry the Cable Guy makes more in his 2nd weekend, you're in trouble.
Slither: Review
Inside Man: As good as you think. Review #1, Review #2, and Review #3.
Larry the Cable Guy-Health Inspector: Why make this? Review.
Stay Alive: Just awful. Review #1 and Review #2
Deep Sea 3D (IMAX): Review
V For Vendetta: Review #1, Review #2 and Review #3
She's the Man: Review
Failure to Launch: Review.
The Hills Have Eyes: Review #1 and Review #2


That does it for another week. Tune in next week for more of the same…with a little twist (and new babe photos). My hand is healing nicely, thanks for (not) asking. My stitches are out, but my bandages are still on for another couple of weeks. It makes typing a little easier, but only a little.

Later!