Warped News 05.18.06: The Brand New/Old Edition
Posted by Cris Murphy on 05.18.2006
Check out Lindsay Lohan’s decent into madness…
It's glad to see you back for another Thursday filled with the latest and greatest Hollywood news. I got more juicy tidbits to tide you over for another week. I've changed a few things up a bit, but it's still the same old Warped News that you've grown to love and appreciate.
My hand has almost completely healed. I appreciate all the emails sent to me for a speedy recovery…all zero of them. Sometimes, I feel like you guys just don't give a sh*t unless I have boobs in the wings. Frankly, now that I think about it, I don't really blame you.
But it's time to take out the old and bring in the new. Forget about the old and busted "All the News…New and Improved." It's time for something more sleek and streamlined. It's time to bring the new, the shocking, the jaw-dropping news and analysis that leaves Hollywood stymied. Are you ready to hug it out?
It's tough being a Hollywood Hack…
On August 16, director Bret Ratner is scheduled to go to Paris to start filming the third installment of Rush Hour. According to Coming Soon.net, the plot of the movie starts with the duo in New York before moving to Paris, although Ratner is shooting the locations in reverse.
Obviously, Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan are back, but Ratner talked about some of the actors he'd love to bring in for the third installment. "I'll tell you who I'm going after," he said with a burst of excitement. "I want Yao Ming, the basketball player, to be in it. I want to recreate the fight sequence from the Bruce Lee movie where he fights Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, but I want to do the reverse; I want Chris Tucker to fight Yao Ming. I want that to happen. I want Aishwarya Rai [the biggest female star in Bollywood] and I would love Gong Li [last seen in Memoirs of a Geisha] to be in the movie. There's some people that I want, but I don't know if I'll be able to get them. Tony Jaa [star of last year's Ong Bak: Thai Warrior] I want, too. I love him."
I have to stop the story here. He wants to recreate the Bruce Lee/Kareem fight using Chris Tucker and Yao Ming? Are we even more scared about the quality of X-Men 3 now? You betcha ass we are. I do like the idea of getting Tony Jaa some Hollywood love. That guy is amazing! If you haven't seen Ong-Bak yet, rent it. Jaa is like a younger Jackie Chan…only he does wire-work stunts without wire-works. That's right. He does all these amazing flips and stunts without wires, but you'll swear he's using wires. He's the next big martial arts movie star.
Lindsay Lohan: The True Hollywood Story…
It looks like Lindsay Lohan is making herself about as unpopular as Paris Hilton these days by getting bratty at every opportunity. According to EntertainmentWise.com, Lohan wanted entry into "That 70's Show" star Danny Masterson's jazz night at Guy's. After the underage Lohan was refused entry she promptly called her ex-boyfriend, Wilmer Valderrama who tried to get Lohan through the doors.
However, Masterson, a devout Scientologist (God, not another one), was having none of it. He refused to let her in saying that he disagreed with the she lives her life and that, for the record, Paris Hilton would not be admitted either. The crowd that had gathered outside to witness the spectacle saw Lohan respond to her rejection by screaming at the top of her lungs and threatening to call the police. However, realising they may have been less then sympathetic to her plight, Lohan finally developed some sense and left.
I guess someone has lost the "It Girl" status when she can't get into a party thrown by the third co-star of an over-the-hill sit-com. Glad she's taking it in stride. Of course, if she wants to be taken seriously as an actress, she needs to quit trying to be a celebrity and start taking on better roles than Just My Luck.
But Lohan's decent into drug-induced madness doesn't stop at a lame party. According to IMDB.com, Lohan and Paris Hilton shocked patrons at Hollywood hotspot Hyde last week by engaging in a furious shouting match. The dunce and her sister Nicky faced-off against Lohan after they claim interrupted their evening out with friends.
Hilton's representative Elliot Mintz explains, "Paris was having a conversation with a couple of friends. Lindsay approached her table and at that moment Paris felt she was being interrupted and didn't wish to speak to Lindsay. A couple of words were exchanged and Lindsay went back to her table. I can understand how other patrons in the club could have thought it had been a bigger deal than it actually was."
Translation: Lindsay came up to her skank friend Paris and said, "Whut up, biatch?" And then Paris said, "Like…whutever. Just…you know…get the f**k outta here. You're NOT hot." And then Lindsay biatch-slapped her and said, "That's how I roll." Which made Paris and Nicky stand up and nail each side of Lindsay's head with their Prada bags and yell, "You wanna start som'in now, biatch?" And then Lindsay flipped them the bird and told them to "fist this in night-vision, you skanks."
Sources tell website Tmz.com that the source of the tension may be because Lindsay has recently been on a publicity campaign for her new film, Just My Luck, and reportedly mentioned Hilton's name in interviews with the media. The source claims Hilton doesn't want Lohan using her name to help further her career.
Who wouldn't pay $30 to see these two in a ring slugging it out in a Battle Royal? In fact, let's put them in with K1 star Bob "The Beast" Sapp to make sure neither dunce makes it out alive…or with a face that guarantees they'll never work in Hollywood again.
Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues, pt. 1
This section of the Warped News is to present to you some of the ever-growing number of stories that the mainstream media dedicates to the lives of porn stars. In essence, the media whores themselves out more than who they cover. And I whore myself out for cheap hits. But I'm an internet writer, and who cares about me anyway?
This week's news comes from the New York Daily News. Thirty-one year-old Manhattan private banker, Kimani Rogers, who is married to a schoolteacher, won a role in a porn film — albeit a "non-active" cameo. Rogers was the winner in an online contest that allowed him to make his adult-film acting debut in a scenario that brings a whole new meaning to "reality viewing."
"Ever since [I saw] 'Boogie Nights' I've wanted to be the fly on the wall," says Rogers. "But I don't think I can act — the last acting I did was in a sixth-grade production of 'Fiddler on the Roof.'" Like you need any acting skills to be in porn. Rogers won the contest on Fleshbot.com, a porn industry blog. The website's editor John d'Addario and porn star Joanna Angel came up with the idea to hook up one lucky site visitor with the chance to appear in the latest film by Burning Angel, the name of Angel's popular Web site and production company.
"While we've run several contests on Fleshbot before — mostly DVD giveaways and the like — this was the first time we've offered a role in a porn film as a prize," says d'Addario. "True to her do-it-yourself attitude, Joanna was very enthusiastic about the idea. It was far and away the most popular contest we've ever had. We received close to 200 entries, including ones from people as far away as Boston and Washington, D.C., who told us they'd be willing to travel to NYC to attend the shoot."
Angel, a 25-year-old Rutgers grad who scored 1580 on her SATs, has starred in about 30 skin flicks, a handful of which she's written and directed for her own website. For the former college English major, penning the scripts is easily her favorite part of the process, even if it means compromising her vision on occasion. "I realized that so many people I meet want to be in my movies, but they don't really want to do, you know, what we have to do," says Angel. "They're like, 'Let me be the pizza guy!' So I thought this would be fun."
Here's the working girl in this production, Joanna Angel:
She must be the love child of David Caruso
According to reports by WENN, Mischa Barton may be set to leave "The OC". The 20-year-old actress has expressed a desire to focus on a film career. She has a film career? At least David Caruso had Hudson Hawk and King of New York on his resume before bolting "NYPD Blue."
According to TVGuide.com, "The OC" will return for its fourth season in the fall without Barton. The show will air its season finale tonight, where one character is killed-off. Producers have filmed several endings with different cast members dying, in order to keep viewers and the show's staff in the dark. One of the endings reportedly features Barton's character suffering a drug overdose. There's a cruel joke here, but I'm not going to write it.
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
This is the section where I find the biggest Hollywood tool in the news this week, and present their gallant journey into infinite toolness. This week's winner is DAVID BLAINE.
Now that he's done playing Aquaman, David Blaine has decided he wants to play Tarzan. According to the New York Post, Blaine, who last week failed in his attempt to set a world breath-holding record after submerging himself for seven days in a 2,000-gallon tank outside Lincoln Center, says his next stunt will involve living "among wild beasts."
Blaine divulged his stunt plans while testing his human aquarium upstate three days prior to kicking off the marathon dip. "I'm planning to live harmoniously among wild beasts," he told The Post. "And I'd like to do it alone in the jungle."
But at least one expert cautions him against spending too much time where the lions and tigers roam free. "I'd be amazed if he lasted a week in a place like the Sunderbunds" - a vast, swampy reserve park in northern India, said Animal Planet zoologist Dave Salmoni.
"After just 24 hours, chances are excellent that Blaine would run across a Bengal tiger - and it would eat him," he added. Salmoni says Blaine would also be hard-pressed to last a week in the wilds of the East African nation of Tanzania, where lions have eaten about 170 people thus far this year.
Tanzania it is! What gets under my skin about Blaine is that he thinks we care about these "stunts." I remember a time when magicians would make giant objects like a train or the Statue of Liberty disappear. Now, they just live in the jungle for a week…alone. Yeah, like anyone will be checking up on you with this stunt. Why doesn't he just walk across the North Pole without a jacket or out-eat Charles Barkley at a buffet? Those are real stunts.
For thinking that holding your breath and walking through a jungle deserves his own primetime special, Mr. Blaine is the…
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The next shot in the DVD Wars…
According to Studio Briefing, Sony began manufacturing high-definition Blu-ray discs at its plant in Terre Haute, IN Tuesday. In a statement, Dieter Daum, president of Sony Disc and Digital Solutions, said, "Blu-ray is going to revolutionize the way consumers enjoy and interact with high-definition entertainment content."
The company said that it expects the first releases on Blu-ray discs to hit the shelves next month. That's also when Sony expects to begin shipping its Blu-ray-equipped VAIO AR Premium laptop computer at an eye-raising price of $3,499. It has said that it expects to ship stand-alone Blu-ray players in July. Samsung said last week that it will be the first to sell a Blu-ray player when it begins shipments on June 25.
This will make things a little more interesting. When the players arrive on shelves, I'll be hoping that the price point will be cheaper than HD-DVD. Then all the players will come down in price fairly quickly. When the burners come out later in the summer, it'll fire up computer sales as well.
Don't you bring that weak tot action, Kahn!
To satiate your inner Trekkie, here's the game for you. According to TheInquirer.net, Bethesda games is coming out with the ultimate Star Trek simulator. Imagine Star Fleet battles, one on one, many on many, single player, internet, and LAN play, from all five Star Trek Generations in one game.
Want to recreate the Kahn vs. Kirk battle from Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn? Done? Sitting around your mother's basement arguing with another loser in a chat room about how the Defiant would kick the ass of the first Enterprise, even with Kirk at the helm? Well, now you can put your money where your mouth is. For some odd reason, this sounds both intriguing and pitiful.
The game, coming this autumn for the XBox360 and PC, looks to recreate the epic long fights of the Trek movies. It isn't a one shot kill, these are huge ships blasting away at each other for a long time before you end up with a clear victory, if you do at all. There is running, hiding, tactics, using nebulas to hide yourself, and all the little things from the show. You can turn tail and get out of town before you die, or go out in a blaze of glory. But can you do the Piccard Maneuver or recreate the Kobiashi Marue? I just lost 10 IQ points typing that…
The game will feature ships from all five eras of Star Trek, each of the 10 movies, and ship from "other content." Bethesda claims that the game has almost every ship that has a name, but they may have missed a minor one here and there. Users will be able to customize ships to make them your own as well as game maps and scenarios, and then whip you geeky friends' asses online. Somehow, I feel the end of all civilization coming on.
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Hot Supermodel Sex Edition
In my continuing search for more hits to my columns, I will offer up this news segment centered on nothing but a hot babe (or babes) to give me a reason to post very hot pictures of said hot babe (or babes). On with the googling…
Elle Macpherson has declared she is single and a believer in "joyous and spontaneous" sex. There is a God. A surprisingly frank Macpherson made it clear on a recent episode of "The View" that she was a single woman enjoying her independence.
In the segment before Macpherson's appearance, Barbara Walters and the show's other panellists discussed the merits of scheduling sex with partners. AAAAHHH! Please don't make me think of Barbara Walters and sex! The first question Walters hit Macpherson with when she joined her on the couch was, "Do you schedule sex?"
The 43-year-old supermodel, who split from longtime French financier boyfriend Arpad Busson last year, did not hold back. "I sort of believe in joyous spontaneity," Macpherson replied.
In honor of joyous and spontaneous sex, here's a photo tribute to our favorite Aussie supermodel:
Johnny Drama's "The Art of Name Dropping"
The Vicious TV News Wrap asked a questions that needs no answer…what type of BJ would you get from Paris Hilton? The answer: one that comes from her sister.
Matthew Mills has more movie news and breaks down this week's new released in the latest The Sublime Movie Digest.
Arnold Furious looks at 5 more movies and a Jack Bauer kill count in his latest Furious On Film. When does he watch all these films? My God! He's the Steve Vicious/Jacob Ziegler of quick reviews. Not sure what that means, but it'll work.
What are the worst comic book movies ever made? The Top 5 and us 411 staffers take a crack at it.
Coming to a theatre near you…
New to theatres…
The DiVinci Code: Already receiving bad reviews.
Over the Hedge: Yet another animal animated film. Hopefully with no penguins.
See No Evil: Kane in a horror film. What? No type casting?
Well, thanks again for tuning in to another week of the Warped News. I hope you had a great time. I know my hand did. So to send you off in a great mood, your moment of zen.
It's tough being a Hollywood Hack…
Lindsay Lohan: The True Hollywood Story…
Steve Vicious and Fox Movietone Present: Porn Stars In the News™…sponsored by Kleenex Tissues, pt. 1
She must be the love child of David Caruso
Sean Penn and Bob Villa Present: The Craftsman Tool of the Week™
The next shot in the DVD Wars…
Don't you bring that weak tot action, Kahn!
Google Presents The Babe Photo News Brief™ - The Hot Supermodel Sex Edition
Coming to a theatre near you…
